In which Bohart is laughed out of a Site.
Site-333, c. 1989, prior to burning down in 1992.
Item #: SCP-8911
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: As SCP-8911 only affects Site-333's interior, no direct containment procedures are necessary. All personnel stationed at Site-333 are to be briefed on SCP-8911 and must report any instances of the anomaly taking place in their presence.
Description: SCP-8911 is an auditory anomaly manifesting at Site-333. Affected personnel report hearing a sound, similar to that of a pre-recorded laugh track used in various popular sitcoms, at seemingly random moments and locations. The source of the anomaly is yet to be traced.
Addendum 8911.1: The following is an abridged log of recorded SCP-8911 instances and attempts to intentionally manifest the anomaly.
23/01/1991: Dr. Rutherford cuts his finger while examining documents; SCP-8911 is heard in his office for approximately five seconds. The anomaly was reported shortly afterward, and SCP-8911 was classified.
24/01/1991: D-1221 is instructed to cut his right index finger with a sheet of paper in a controlled environment. D-1221 complies, however, SCP-8911 fails to manifest.
24/01/1991: D-1221 is instructed to cut his left index finger with a sheet of paper in a controlled environment. D-1221 complies, however, SCP-8911 fails to manifest.
24/01/1991: D-1221 expels flatulence. SCP-8911 is heard for approximately 5 seconds within the testing chamber.
24/01/1991: D-1221 is ordered to slip on a banana peel in a controlled environment. D-1221 complies, however, SCP-8911 fails to manifest.
24/01/1991: D-1221 is ordered to slip on a banana peel in a controlled environment. D-1221 refuses to comply and is subdued by Guard Newby. After issuing a beating to D-1221, Newby backs away from him and slips on the banana peel. SCP-8911 is heard for approximately 7 seconds within the testing chamber.
25/02/1991. Dr. Haaland is informed that his residence has been destroyed by a kitchen fire. SCP-8911 is heard throughout the personnel offices for 15 seconds, alongside loud clapping.
01/03/1991. Researcher Quinn is informed of his termination due to unrelated protocol violations. SCP-8911 is heard in the entirety of Site-333, alongside loud clapping and cheering for 20 seconds.
Addendum 8911.2: Following various noise and disruption complaints caused by SCP-8911, Site-333 administration voted on attempting to decommission the anomaly. The ensuing vote resulted in a 5-2-2 score in favor of decommissioning SCP-8911. Attached below is an abridged log of attempted measures taken.
Plan: Site-333 open mic comedy night.
Reasoning Conspectus: SCP-8911 reacts to humorous events, perhaps giving it more of what it wants will sate it and it will go away.
Status: APPROVED
Results: SCP-8911 failed to manifest once throughout the 4 hours of the event. Decommissioning attempt failed.
Plan: Kill the entire D-class population of Site-333.
Reasoning Conspectus: SCP-8911 is known to enjoy the suffering of others. By inflicting suffering, we may appease it and cause it to demanifest.
Status: DENIED
Results: Researcher Carlos was admonished for this suggestion. SCP-8911 was heard throughout the Site when Carlos was informed he would be docked a month of pay for his behavior.
Addendum 8911.3: On 30/06/1991, Vincent Bohart was scheduled to visit Site-333 and take over from Director Nolan Goode. As he arrived, it was noted that SCP-8911 began to be audible throughout the Site. Attached below is an interview carried out with Bohart following his arrival and discovery of interaction with SCP-8911.
Interviewed: V. Bohart
Interviewee: N. Goode, Site-333 Director
Note: The interview began outside of Site-333 approximately 15 minutes after Bohart's arrival and discovery of interaction with SCP-8911.
<BEGIN LOG>
Goode: Hello, Vince.
Bohart: Hey, Nolan. Your Site is laughing at me.
Goode: Yup. I see you discovered our Site's little, uh, problem.
Bohart: Problem? Here I was thinking that it was just some cruel prank on me.
Goode: No, we wouldn't do that to you.
Bohart: That's good to hear at least. So what is this, some sort of anomaly? And what's with the recorder? Don't tell me you're going to interview me.
Goode: I just want to record everything we do for posterity. As for it being an anomaly, yes. Here, let me show you the documentation.
[There is a brief silence as Bohart reviews SCP-8911's documentation.]
Bohart: Well I'll be damned. Okay. So you have a canned laugh anomaly affecting your Site. But why does it go off when I enter the building?
Goode: Maybe you're just naturally funny.
Bohart: [Bohart laughs.] You think so?
Goode: Maybe. Or maybe the things that happen to you are funny too.
Bohart: Well, funny things do happen to me. And I think I'm pretty funny too.
Goode: Fair enough. Why don't we go talk inside? It's almost lunchtime.
Bohart: I don't want the mean laughter SCP to laugh at me just for existing though.
Goode: Oh, stop it. We've dealt with it for months, surely a few hours of it won't hurt you.
Bohart: Fine. Does the cafeteria have saltwater taffy?
Goode: It does, yes.
[Bohart and Goode approach the Site. The slight creaking sound of the doors opening is audible after Goode inputs his security code. SCP-8911 is heard as Bohart enters, with loud clapping, cheering, and whooping.]
Bohart: [Yelling over SCP-8911] Yes, yes, very funny. I love an audience! How are we tonight, Atlantic City?
Goode: [Yelling over SCP-8911] Come on, this way.
Bohart: Wow, this place is nice. You have a whole cafeteria here?
Goode: Uh, I think that's pretty standard. What do you normally do for lunch?
Bohart: I just grab stuff from the breakroom fridge [chuckles]. It's a great thing about working with the anomalous, plenty of reasons an employee's lunch could go missing.
[Bohart begins walking backwards, looking at the opposite direction.]
Goode: Vince, look out behind y—
Bohart: Whoa!
[Bohart slips and falls on the recently cleaned floor, landing on top of the wet floor sign.]
Goode: You okay there?
[SCP-8911 becomes uproarious in volume, reaching 180 dB throughout the site.]
Bohart: About as good as someone who just fell could be…
[Bohart attempts to stand but slips on the wet ground again. His left shoe slips off and hits him in the groin.]
Goode: Let me help you up.
[SCP-8911's laughter appears to become labored, with various previously laughing voices beginning to cough.]
Bohart: [Gasping] I uh, I don't want to get up and fall again.
Goode: Come on now. Don't be like that.
[Goode helps Bohart to his feet, but his glasses fall from his face and hit the ground. One of the lenses is cracked.]
Bohart: Great. Just fucking fantastic.
[Bohart bends over to pick up his glasses and puts them back on.]
Goode: There you are. Alright, let's go get you an icepack from the cafeteria.
[SCP-8911's laughter has been largely reduced to coughing and wheezing and lowering in volume.]
Bohart: Let me just get my shoe. Fucking laughing Site.
[Bohart's glasses drop from his face again, and he accidentally steps on them. The glasses are broken beyond repair.]
[SCP-8911's volume has become minimal, with very few voices still wheezing.]
Goode: I uh… I'm sorry Vince. At least the Foundation has good optometrists, right?
Bohart: I guess. Especially now that I'm getting a promotion, right?
[Bohart bends over to pick up his glasses and shoe. As he fully leans over, he expels flatulence.]
[SCP-8911 produces a final, hacking cough, then ceases.]
Bohart: Oops. Excuse me.
[There is a ten-second silence.]
Goode: Vincent, I think we just successfully decommissioned 8911.
Bohart: We?! What do you mean we?!
Goode: Okay, don't get mad at me, but…
[Goode turns off his recording device.]
<END LOG>
Note: SCP-8911 has failed to manifest in Site-333 following this event. Director Goode was commended for utilizing Bohart's accident-prone nature to the benefit of the Site and Dir. Bohart was awarded a free meal voucher redeemable in the Site's cafeteria. The anomaly's documentation is currently pending reclassification to Decommissioned.