Item #: SCP-8759-J
Object Class: Ke-deer
Special Containment Proce-deers: SCP-8759-J is to be kept lock-ed, buck-led, secured, antler-locked, hoof-fastened, and otherwise deer-ly contained inside a secure, opaque cardboard tube at Site-88. Under absolutely no circumstances is the poster to be unrolled, unfurled, unfolded, unveiled, unwrapped, unbuckled, un-antlered, or otherwise allowed to experience freedom. The poster is not to be framed, mounted, hung, displayed, pinned, taped, stapled, nailed, screwed, glued, blu-tacked, deer-tacked, or even politely leaned against a wall. The consequences would be truly stag-gering.
Oh Deer!
Buck, I'm getting fired.
The containment tube itself must be inspected every morning for signs of buckling, antler growth, hoofprints, suspicious woodland activity, unexplained foliage, or any evidence that the cardboard has developed a deer purpose. Should the tube begin making noises resembling "mrrrr," "snort," "honk," "hoof," or a disappointed human saying "oh deer," personnel are to immediately evacuate the containment wing and notify the Department of Cervid Emergencies.
Personnel assigned to transport SCP-8759-J must wear heavy blindfolds and must have no eye-deer where they are walking. Personnel are forbidden from looking at the poster, looking at the tube, looking at the floor, looking at the ceiling, looking at anything that looks vaguely like an antler, or looking at another employee who has looked at an antler. In fact, personnel are encouraged to have no deer-ection whatsoever.
Transport personnel must be guided entirely by Site-88 security canines, who are somehow immune to the anomaly. Researchers have attempted to determine why the dogs are immune. The current theory is that dogs simply don't give a buck.
The dogs themselves have demonstrated mild dis-doe-n toward SCP-8759-J. Several have refused to approach the containment tube. One judgmental German Shepherd stared at the poster for twelve seconds, sighed, and walked away. When asked for comment, the dog reportedly replied:
"Ruff."
Researchers have interpreted this as a formal scientific objection.
Attempts to recruit deer as containment personnel have been universally unsuccessful. The deer refused to sign the paperwork, refused to wear Foundation uniforms, refused to answer questions, and repeatedly demanded hazard pay in hay. The Foundation has therefore discontinued the Deer Security Initiative until further notice.
If a containment breach occurs and SCP-8759-J is exposed to the public, MTF-Lambda-4 ("Birdwatchers") will be deployed immediately to hunt down, track down, buck down, hoof it toward, chase, corner, surround, apprehend, and generally deer-ail the image.
Nobody knows why they are called Birdwatchers.
They don't know either.
The deer certainly don't know.
One member of MTF-Lambda-4 has requested that the unit be renamed "Deer Hunters," but this request was rejected because "that would make too much sense."
All witnesses exposed to SCP-8759-J must be administered Class-A amnestics. If they continue to remember the poster, they must be administered Class-B amnestics. If they continue remembering it after Class-B, Class-C. If they continue after Class-C, Class-D. If they continue after Class-D, personnel are instructed to simply tell them:
"Please stop."
If they still cannot deer-sist from making deer jokes, they must be quarantined until they demonstrate appropriate doe-corum, buck-iety, antlerlectual restraint, and sufficient emotional maturity to resist saying "Oh deer."
Personnel who respond to the phrase "Oh deer" with "Oh buck" will be considered beyond saving.
Any staff member caught using phrases such as "Oh deer," "Pass the buck," "I fawn-d it," "Deer God," "What in the hoof?", "Have you herd?", "That's stag-gering," "I'm fawn-d of it," "Doe tell me more," "Buck off," "Get the buck out of here," "This is getting out of hoof," "That's un-be-leaf-able," "I'm all ears," "Deer-ly beloved," "For deer life," "Doe not enter," "Antler that later," "You herd me," "Buck to basics," "Stag-nant situation," "Deer diary," "Fawn of the Dead," "The buck stops here," "No ifs, ands, or bucks," or literally any sentence whatsoever containing the word "deer" near the containment sector will be immediately reassigned to Keter cleaning duty.
This policy has resulted in 97% of Site 88 personnel being reassigned.
The remaining 3% are lying.
Incident 8759-J-1
[BEGIN LOG]
Dr. Soshiki: Testing microphone. Alright. SCP-8759-J is secured, the observation window is intact, and absolutely nothing unusual is happening. Let's begin the evaluation. The object appears to be a standard wall poster depicting a male white-tailed deer, approximately 24 by 36 inches, with no visible anomalous properties. The image is rather clea-
Dr. Soshiki: Oh no.
Agent Cooper: Sir?
Dr. Soshiki: Oh god. It's starting.
Agent Cooper: What's starting?
Dr. Soshiki: The puns.
Agent Cooper: I don't understand.
Dr. Soshiki: Exactly. You have no eye-deer what's happening.
Agent Cooper: …
Dr. Soshiki: I'm sorry. I can't stop. Cooper, this containment cell is absolutely buck-wild.
Agent Cooper: Sir, please maintain professionalism.
Dr. Soshiki: I'm trying! But the atmosphere here is getting increasingly deer-anged!
Agent Cooper: You need to calm down.
Dr. Soshiki: I CAN'T. I'M LOSING MY MIND. I HAVE NO EYE-DEER HOW TO STOP IT!
Agent Cooper: You mean you have no eye-deer?
Dr. Soshiki: DON'T ENCOURAGE ME!
Agent Cooper: I'm not encouraging you. I'm just trying to keep this under control.
Dr. Soshiki: Then control your doe-minant emotions!
Agent Cooper: That's not even a pun.
Dr. Soshiki: It doesn't matter anymore!
Agent Cooper: Wait.
Dr. Soshiki: What?
Agent Cooper: I think it's hitting me too.
Dr. Soshiki: Oh deer.
Agent Cooper: The threat level of this anomaly is… stag-gering.
Dr. Soshiki: NO.
Agent Cooper: I'm feeling a little fawn-t of breath.
Dr. Soshiki: STOP.
Agent Cooper: We need to call the 05 Council.
Dr. Soshiki: Yes! Finally, something sensible!
Agent Cooper: It's a matter of doe or die.
Dr. Soshiki: THAT WASN'T SENSIBLE!
Agent Cooper: I'm sorry. The urge is just too deer-sistible.
Dr. Soshiki: Have some doe-corum!
Agent Cooper: I'm trying!
Dr. Soshiki: We're Foundation personnel! We have standards!
Agent Cooper: Had standards.
Dr. Soshiki: …
Agent Cooper: We had them.
Dr. Soshiki: I missed my daughter's wedding for this job.
Agent Cooper: I'm sorry, sir.
Dr. Soshiki: I missed her graduation. I missed her birthday. I missed Christmas.
Agent Cooper: Sir…
Dr. Soshiki: I have deer-ly departed from my senses.
Agent Cooper: …
Dr. Soshiki: I hate myself.
Agent Cooper: Don't be so hard on yourself.
Dr. Soshiki: Why?
Agent Cooper: Because you're doing your best.
Dr. Soshiki: Thank you.
Agent Cooper: Besides, every cloud has a silver antler.
Dr. Soshiki: TRANQUILIZE ME.
Agent Cooper: Wait, why?
Dr. Soshiki: BEFORE I MAKE ANOTHER ONE.
Agent Cooper: Oh.
Dr. Soshiki: Oh deer.
Agent Cooper: Oh deer.
Dr. Soshiki: OH DEER.
Agent Cooper: OH DEER.
Dr. Soshiki: This is getting out of hoof!
Agent Cooper: We need to fawn-d a solution!
Dr. Soshiki: That's not even how you pronounce "found"!
Agent Cooper: I know. I'm just having a bad doe.
Dr. Soshiki: I am going to lose my antler-mind.
Agent Cooper: Maybe we should take a step back and rein-deer the situation.
Dr. Soshiki: REASSESS!
Agent Cooper: Yes, that too.
Dr. Soshiki: We're supposed to be conducting research!
Agent Cooper: Re-deer-ch.
Dr. Soshiki: STOP.
Agent Cooper: Preliminary findings?
Dr. Soshiki: NO.
Agent Cooper: Prelimin-deer-y findings.
Dr. Soshiki: I SWEAR TO GOD.
Agent Cooper: The evidence is compelling.
Dr. Soshiki: It's stag-gering.
Agent Cooper: You said it!
Dr. Soshiki: I DIDN'T MEAN TO!
Agent Cooper: We're in too deep now.
Dr. Soshiki: We're in the deer-endgame.
Agent Cooper: That's a good one.
Dr. Soshiki: IT IS NOT.
Agent Cooper: Come on, sir. Don't be so fawn-d of yourself.
Dr. Soshiki: I'm going to scream.
Agent Cooper: Please don't.
Dr. Soshiki: WHY?
Agent Cooper: Because you'll scare the deer.
Dr. Soshiki: THERE IS NO DEER IN HERE!
Agent Cooper: …
Dr. Soshiki: …
Agent Cooper: Then why is there hoofing coming from the ceiling?
Dr. Soshiki: WHAT?
Agent Cooper: Never mind.
Dr. Soshiki: No. No, no, no, no. Don't you dare say it.
Agent Cooper: It's probably just a deer-conditioning problem.
Dr. Soshiki: TRANQUILIZE ME.
Agent Cooper: Right away.
Dr. Soshiki: Wait. Before you do…
Agent Cooper: Yes?
Dr. Soshiki: I just realized something.
Agent Cooper: What?
Dr. Soshiki: We're both completely screwed.
Agent Cooper: Why?
Dr. Soshiki: Because we're trapped in a room with a deer poster.
Agent Cooper: So?
Dr. Soshiki: So we're poster-child victims.
Agent Cooper: …
Dr. Soshiki: …
Agent Cooper: That was terrible.
Dr. Soshiki: I know.
Agent Cooper: I respect it.
Dr. Soshiki: OH DEER!
Agent Cooper: OH DEER!
Dr. Soshiki: OH DEER!
[END LOG]
Note: Both Dr. Soshiki and Agent Cooper were subsequently tranquilized. They are currently recovering in the medical wing. Dr. Soshiki has shown improvement, although he was overheard asking a nurse for “two bucks” for the vending machine.
The nurse subsequently requested reassignment.
Her request was approved.
She was reassigned to SCP-8759-J containment.
She immediately requested reassignment again.
Her request was denied.
The nurse has since begun making deer puns.
The situation is now considered deer-ly concerning.
Test 8759-01
Subject: D-4432 (A cartel enforcer known for refusing to cooperate with authorities).
Procedure: D-4432 was placed in an interrogation room with SCP-8759-J was unrolled on the table in front of him.
[BEGIN LOG]
Dr. Soshiki: D-4432, please describe what you see on the table.
D-4432: (Stares at SCP-8759-J. His expression immediately changes.) No.
Dr. Soshiki: No?
D-4432: No. Absolutely not.
Dr. Soshiki: You haven't even answered the question.
D-4432: I know what you're trying to do.
Dr. Soshiki: And what, exactly, are we trying to do?
D-4432: Make me talk.
Dr. Soshiki: Correct.
D-4432: Well, it ain't happening.
Dr. Soshiki: Then describe the poster.
D-4432: (Continues staring.) It's a deer.
Dr. Soshiki: Good. And what else?
D-4432: Two antlers. Four hooves. Two ears.
Dr. Soshiki: Excellent. Now, tell me how you feel.
D-4432: (Long pause.) Uneasy.
Dr. Soshiki: Why?
D-4432: Because that deer looks like it isn’t en-deer-ing.
Dr. Soshiki: …
D-4432: …
Dr. Soshiki: You resisted for approximately eleven seconds.
D-4432: I tried.
Dr. Soshiki: Try harder.
D-4432: I can't.
Dr. Soshiki: You can.
D-4432: No, I can't.
Dr. Soshiki: Why not?
D-4432: Because I'm already in too deep.
Dr. Soshiki: D-4432, remain calm.
D-4432: I am calm.
Dr. Soshiki: You're sweating.
D-4432: That's because this is getting stag-gering.
Dr. Soshiki: Oh, for fuck's sake.
D-4432: I don't know what's happening to me.
Dr. Soshiki: You're experiencing the cognitohazard. Look away from the poster.
D-4432: I can't.
Dr. Soshiki: Why?
D-4432: No eye-deer.
Dr. Soshiki: Look at the wall.
D-4432: Which wall?
Dr. Soshiki: Any wall.
D-4432: This is a very con-deer-ning situation.
Dr. Soshiki: That's not even the word!
D-4432: I know!
Dr. Soshiki: Tell me your name.
D-4432: D-4432.
Dr. Soshiki: Your real name.
D-4432: You don't get to know that.
Dr. Soshiki: Fair enough. Tell me what you did before coming here.
D-4432: Nothing.
Dr. Soshiki: You were a cartel enforcer.
D-4432: Was.
Dr. Soshiki: And now?
D-4432: Now I'm a deer-sonnel member.
Dr. Soshiki: You are a Class-D personnel member.
D-4432: That's what I said.
Dr. Soshiki: No, it isn't.
D-4432: It is now.
Dr. Soshiki: Please stop.
D-4432: I can't. The urge is deer-isistible.
Dr. Soshiki: That's not a word.
D-4432: Neither is half the stuff I've said today.
Dr. Soshiki: We're going to administer amnestics.
D-4432: Amnestics?
Dr. Soshiki: Yes.
D-4432: Will they work?
Dr. Soshiki: Probably not.
D-4432: Then we're fawn-damentally screwed.
Dr. Soshiki: Stop making puns.
D-4432: I CAN'T!
Dr. Soshiki: Why?
D-4432: Because every time I try to say something normal, another one comes out!
Dr. Soshiki: Give me an example.
D-4432: Fine. The deer is…
Dr. Soshiki: Yes?
D-4432: …deer.
Dr. Soshiki: That's normal.
D-4432: Wait.
Dr. Soshiki: What?
D-4432: I found something.
Dr. Soshiki: What did you find?
D-4432: I fawn-d it.
Dr. Soshiki: You were already saying "found."
D-4432: I know.
Dr. Soshiki: Why did you do that?
D-4432: Because the deer made me.
Dr. Soshiki: The poster cannot make you do anything.
D-4432: Then why am I like this?
Dr. Soshiki: Cognitohazard.
D-4432: That's a big word.
Dr. Soshiki: Yes.
D-4432: Cognitohaz-antler.
Dr. Soshiki: I'm going to leave.
D-4432: Don't.
Dr. Soshiki: Why?
D-4432: I need someone to talk to.
Dr. Soshiki: About what?
D-4432: My feelings.
Dr. Soshiki: Your feelings?
D-4432: Yeah.
Dr. Soshiki: Go ahead.
D-4432: I feel…
Dr. Soshiki: Yes?
D-4432: …fawn-d.
Dr. Soshiki: That's "fond."
D-4432: I know.
Dr. Soshiki: You need to resist.
D-4432: I'm trying.
Dr. Soshiki: Think of something else.
D-4432: Okay.
Dr. Soshiki: What are you thinking about?
D-4432: My old life.
Dr. Soshiki: Good.
D-4432: I used to work for a very dangerous organization.
Dr. Soshiki: Excellent. Keep going.
D-4432: We transported drugs.
Dr. Soshiki: Good.
D-4432: Guns.
Dr. Soshiki: Good.
D-4432: Money.
Dr. Soshiki: Good.
D-4432: Deer.
Dr. Soshiki: What?
D-4432: Deer.
Dr. Soshiki: You transported deer?
D-4432: No.
Dr. Soshiki: Then why did you say deer?
D-4432: I don't know.
Dr. Soshiki: Are you sure?
D-4432: No eye-deer.
Dr. Soshiki: Of course.
D-4432: Wait! I remembered something!
Dr. Soshiki: What?
D-4432: What do you call a deer who loves to bake?
Dr. Soshiki: D-4432, don't.
D-4432: A cookie doe!
Dr. Soshiki: That's not even remotely funny.
D-4432: I know!
Dr. Soshiki: Then why are you laughing?
D-4432: Because it hurts.
Dr. Soshiki: What hurts?
D-4432: My dignity.
Dr. Soshiki: Finally, something sensible.
D-4432: It's been doe-pleted.
Dr. Soshiki: …
D-4432: I'm sorry.
Dr. Soshiki: Don't apologize.
D-4432: Why?
Dr. Soshiki: Because I know you're not in control of this.
D-4432: Thank you.
Dr. Soshiki: Now, look away from the poster.
D-4432: Okay.
Dr. Soshiki: Good.
D-4432: I'm looking away.
Dr. Soshiki: Excellent.
D-4432: I can do this.
Dr. Soshiki: Yes.
D-4432: I am stronger than the deer.
Dr. Soshiki: Yes.
D-4432: I am stronger than the buck.
Dr. Soshiki: Yes.
D-4432: I am stronger than the fawn.
Dr. Soshiki: Yes.
D-4432: I am stronger than the stag.
Dr. Soshiki: Yes.
D-4432: I am stronger than the antlers.
Dr. Soshiki: Yes.
D-4432: I am stronger than the hoof.
Dr. Soshiki: Yes.
D-4432: I am stronger than the herd.
Dr. Soshiki: Yes.
D-4432: I am-
Dr. Soshiki: Don't say it.
D-4432: …
Dr. Soshiki: Don't.
D-4432: …
Dr. Soshiki: Please.
D-4432: Oh deer.
Dr. Soshiki: GET THE AMNESTICS.
D-4432: WAIT! BEFORE YOU DO!
Dr. Soshiki: What?!
D-4432: I just thought of something.
Dr. Soshiki: What?
D-4432: Do you want to hear a joke about doe-nuts?
Dr. Soshiki: NO.
D-4432: Why not?
Dr. Soshiki: Because I know where this is going.
D-4432: You have no eye-deer.
Dr. Soshiki: D-4432.
D-4432: What?
Dr. Soshiki: I'm begging you.
D-4432: Fine.
Dr. Soshiki: Thank you.
D-4432: The joke is half-baked.
Dr. Soshiki: That's not a doe-nut joke.
D-4432: I know.
Dr. Soshiki: Then why did you say it?
D-4432: I panicked.
Dr. Soshiki: Understandable.
D-4432: I'm sorry.
Dr. Soshiki: It's alright.
D-4432: Also…
Dr. Soshiki: What?
D-4432: Buck off.
Dr. Soshiki: What did you just say?
D-4432: Buck off.
Dr. Soshiki: You're still affected.
D-4432: Probably.
Dr. Soshiki: Medical team!
D-4432: Hurry up! Before I make another one!
Dr. Soshiki: Too late.
D-4432: What?
Dr. Soshiki: You already did.
D-4432: Oh.
Dr. Soshiki: …
D-4432: Oh deer.
Dr. Soshiki: OH DEER.
[END LOG]
Note: D-4432 was removed from the interrogation room and placed in temporary isolation.
D-4432 later spent three hours attempting to tell Foundation personnel a joke involving "doe-nuts," despite repeatedly forgetting the punchline.
At 19:43, D-4432 successfully remembered the joke, laughed uncontrollably, and immediately forgot it again.
At 20:12, he requested a "deer burger."
This request was denied.
D-4432 responded by stating that the Foundation had "no doe-corum."
He was then placed under observation until symptoms subsided.
Emails:
Dr. Soshiki,
I received your incident report regarding SCP-8759-J. While I understand the psychological toll this anomaly takes on your team, your vocabulary choices in an official HR filing are completely unacceptable.
You cannot describe your understaffed department as being "utterly fawn-dled by scheduling issues." Furthermore, requesting a budget increase because your team needs "more dough to buy doe-nuts to maintain doe-corum" is a mockery of our financial guidelines. Please edit this report immediately.