Special Containment Procedures: Information about SCP-8461 on the internet or social media is to be monitored and deleted by Foundation web crawler Theta-17 ("Penny Wise, Pound Foolish").
Any accounts suspected of having visited SCP-8461 related pages must be immediately blocked. Affected devices are to be confiscated, and related data must be deleted; devices may only be returned to the users after the administration of Class A amnestics.
When an external order is detected, MTF Alpha-4 ("Pony Express") is to be deployed to the delivery destination. They are responsible for recovering the goods and associated devices, as well as administering amnestics.
Description: SCP-8461 is an anomalous phenomenon occurring on UberEATS, a food delivery platform owned by Uber Inc. The anomaly manifests as a hidden interface that cannot be accessed through conventional methods; it must be triggered by entering specific discount codes (e.g., ALMOST2024 (Expired), ANY-[REDACTED]). Once activated, the affected application or webpage redirects the user to a store information page titled "Get Almost, Almost Anything."
SCP-8461 allows users to search for and order items that are theoretically non-tradable, abstract, non-existent, or even anomalous. Prices are typically displayed in local currency. However, when an item involves cross-temporal, multi-universal, or reality-bending properties or if the system detects the user is unable to pay the monetary amount, the payment method will change to forms including but not limited to the following ones:
- Human tissues or organs: For example, three fingernails, one milliliter of blood, or half a liver.
- Physiological health: For example, loss of smell for 5 minutes, reduced vision, or partial pulmonary fibrosis.
- Psychological categories: For example, the happiness derived from eating sweets, or a memory of a childhood playmate.
- Abstract concepts: For example, future luck, sense of presence, or dignity.
The item also produce potent cognitohazards, causing users to ignore the anomalous nature of the items. In their eyes, these goods appear to be of exceptional value, which in turn leads them to place an order.
SCP-8461-A are humanoid entities generated by SCP-8461, wearing fluorescent green and black windbreakers and gloves in all observed cases. They wear full-face helmets, with their facial features obscured by opaque black visors, and carry black or green reflective thermal bags, all objects are unable to be removed.
Once an order’s status changes to "Out for Delivery," SCP-8461 will dispatch an SCP-8461-A for delivery. According to the delivery driver tracking on the interface, the entity will appear in the uninhabited area closest to the customer and begin approaching at a speed of approximately 40 km/h. Before completing the task, SCP-8461-A is capable of ignoring the laws of physics, moving at a constant velocity or vertically, and passing through solid obstacles, allowing the entity to travel in a direct line between itself and the customer. Physical contact between the customer and the product packaging is the only condition for the task to be considered complete, at which point the object designated as payment disappears instantly.
All goods delivered via SCP-8461 are contained within SCP-8461-B, a green kraft paper bag measuring 24 cm in height, 24 cm in width, and 14 cm in depth that is indestructible and non-flammable. Despite its fixed external dimensions, the object is capable of housing items with a volume far exceeding its own capacity. Regardless of the contents, its weight remains consistently between 800 and 850 grams. While the item is inside, its physical state is in complete stasis, and it cannot be removed by pouring. When taking out an item, the bag's opening exhibits abnormal resilience and elasticity, automatically adjusting its size to match the cross-section of the item being withdrawn. Once the item has been completely removed from the bag, all anomalous properties of SCP-8461-B permanently cease to function.
Addendum 1: Discovery Log
SCP-8461 was first discovered on May 9, 2022, following a homicide case in Munich. Hans Schultz, 32, allegedly shot and killed five colleagues who had long bullied him at [REDACTED] Bar around 3:00 AM local time. The police later arrested the suspect at his residence and recovered a nearly brand-new Beretta Model 38, four 40-round magazines, and 120 9×19mm Parabellum bullets from his vehicle.
Addendum 2: Experimental LogExcerpt from Munich Police Interrogation Transcript
From: Officer Karl Meyer
Subject: Hans Schultz
Before the interrogation began, the prosecution informed the defendant of his rights in accordance with Section 136 of the “Strafprozessordnung”; the defendant declined to appoint legal counsel.
Meyer: Please look at this photograph…Mr. Schultz. We found this weapon in your vehicle. This is what you used to kill those five people at the [REDACTED] Bar that day, isn't it?
Schultz: Yes, Officer.
Meyer: (Taps fingers on the table) This is a Beretta Model 38. This model went out of production over forty years ago, and the serial number indicates it was manufactured in 1942. Yet, according to forensic results, this thing is impossibly new. There isn't a speck of rust, and the lubricating oil on it perfectly matches the composition used back then. Where did you get this gun?
Schultz: (Eyes wandering) It was delivered, Officer.
Meyer: (Stops writing) Pardon?
Schultz: I ordered it on UberEATS, Officer.
Meyer: (Frowning) Are you joking? What you can get on UberEATS should be your dinner… not a brand-new WWII military weapon manufactured in the 40s! If you don't want to talk about it, you can exercise your right to remain silent instead of making up such a blatant lie!
Schultz: I’m telling the truth, Officer. (Breathing becomes rapid) I finally got home and hadn't eaten anything that day. Stefan and the others had thrown my breakfast and lunch into the paper shredder again. I was starving, so I wanted to order delivery.
Meyer: Then why did you buy a gun on UberEATS eventually?
Schultz: I entered a discount code I saw that morning… I think it was ALMOST2022. After that, my phone started acting strange. It automatically redirected to a store page; the gun was in the first slot of the recommended items. It was labeled as brand new, included four magazines, and cost only 5 dollars after the first-order discount.
Meyer: What was the name of the store?
Schultz: It was called "Get Almost, Almost Anything" It’s strange… when I saw it, I didn't think it was weird at all. It felt as normal as ordering pasta.
Meyer: So you placed the order.
Schultz: Yes… the doorbell rang less than three minutes later. The delivery driver was standing at the door.
Meyer: What did the driver look like?
Schultz: His face was covered by the helmet visor. He shoved the bag toward me, took my money, and then he was gone.
Meyer: He was gone?
Schultz: Yes… after that, I stuffed everything into a gym bag and went to the bar. Those bastards were still laughing when I walked in… until I blew Günther's head off… (Laughing wildly) Their fearful faces were so funny…
Note 1: The serial number on the weapon was investigated and confirmed to match a firearm reported stolen from the Brescia National Arms Factory in 1942. It is hypothesized that SCP-8461 may possess the ability to create temporospatial anomalies.
Note 2: The Foundation intervened after reports from undercover agents. Class B amnestics were administered to all involved personnel. Hans Schultz’s mobile phone and all evidence were confiscated, and Schultz was recruited as a Class D personnel.
Lead Researcher Dr. Vincent Miller
Subject D-77231, D-33019, D-55114, D-46330, D-10145, D-66067, D-26212
Device: iPhone 13 Pro, Operating System: iOS 14
| Exp. No. | Date | Item Ordered | Price | Result |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| EXP-8461-01 | 2022-05-20 07:46:23 PM | Big Mac Meal (with Large Fries and Coke) | 9 USD | Success. The meal arrived 4 minutes later, fresh and warm. Contents were perfectly consistent with McDonald's recipe. |
| EXP-8461-02 | 2022-07-08 10:57:34 AM | Épée de Charles X | 18,500,000 USD | Success. The item arrived 6 minutes later; appraisal confirmed it as the authentic artifact stolen from the Louvre in 1976. |
| EXP-8461-03 | 2022-08-27 09:33:47 PM | A living Dodo bird | One knuckle from each index finger | Success. Genetic testing of the creature taken out from SCP-8461-B confirmed it to be a healthy 5-year-old male Raphus cucullatus. Upon D-55114 contacting SCP-8461-B, the first knuckles of both index fingers vanished instantly; the incision was as clean as a surgical amputation with no open wound. |
| EXP-8461-04 | 2022-09-25 04:30:41 PM | Observer: An SCP Foundation Journal, July 2059 Classic Entity Edition | Dr. Miller's memories of his eldest daughter | Success. The cover documented a breach with SCP-█████ in 20██. Memory testing on Dr. Miller indicated that all memories of his eldest daughter were completely erased, with an effect comparable to Class-C amnestics. |
| EXP-8461-05 | 2022-10-06 03:19:27 PM | The World's Best Tothbrush | Your weekend this week | Success. Surveillance footage showed SCP-8461-A entering directly from the bathroom wall in Site-19 where SCP-063 is contained and taking the item; this experiment was designated a containment breach. Upon delivery, SCP-8461-B was not penetrated by SCP-063. Dr. Miller subsequently contacted Site-19 to request temporary use before returning it the following day. D-10145 fell into a deep coma at 2022-10-09 12:00:00 AM until 2022-10-10 11:59:59 PM. |
| EXP-8461-06 | 2022-10-30 01:09:21 PM | Four hours of silence | D-66067's linguistic ability | Success. Sound wave conduction through any medium at the site ceased; decibel meters recorded zero until 05:09:21 PM. Subsequently, D-66067's language center was severely damaged, rendering the subject unable to comprehend language. |
| EXP-8461-07 | 2022-11-19 12:05:37 PM | The death of SCP-682 | N/A | Failure. The screen displayed "No matching results." |