by DrApricus
SCP-8350 at a conference in Singapore, 2022.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8350 instances are employed and housed at Site-322, where the Department of Public Affairs is also headquartered.
Description: SCP-8350 designates an endangered species of intelligent polymorphs capable of human speech, named the Apaseans, with less than 200 remaining members, individually designated as SCP-8350 instances. Apaseans are distinguished from similar species of shapeshifters by their unique memetic ability to deceive and persuade others on a large scale and with significant efficacy..When an SCP-8350 instance is performing this ability, regardless of its current form, bright green rings appear around their irises, which can be captured by cameras but are not often cognized by persons at that moment.
Furthermore, SCP-8350 instances do not have a known default form and instead often assume the shape of a Homo sapiens or another common animal, primarily as a survival instinct. Geographical and historical evidence suggests SCP-8350 was once an intraterrestrial species and integrated into human civilization in the late Neolithic Era around 6,000 B.C.E., characterizing the ascent of SCP-8350 instances to the Earth's surface. The cause of this migration is largely unknown but generally thought to be the result of mass predation by other intraterrestrial species.
As of January 2021, SCP-8350 comprises the Department of Public Affairs.
NOTICE FROM THE RECORDS AND INFORMATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION
The following documents attached to the SCP-8350 file, including addenda, incident reports, and transcripts, have since been archived at the request of the Internal Arbitration Bureau.The Internal Arbitration Bureau (IAB) is an independent administrative authority within the Foundation that serves to resolve security breaches and prevent conflicts that may arise as a result of disputes between personnel or departments. for the protection of the Department of Public Affairs due to being outdated. However, the documents will remain available for viewing in this file for contextual purposes and understanding.
— Maria Jones, Director, RAISA
Dr. Klein Warden, Head of the Polymorphs Department, and Dir. Paul Lague of Site-322 stand in front a large mechanical device resembling that of a train engine.
Warden: She's a beaut, isn't she?
Lague: You gendered the big clacking machine?
Warden: Some people have boats, some have cars, some have motorcycles, etcetera. This is my motorcycle, right here.
Lague walks around the device and inspects it.
Lague: Well, I will concede that it's one hell of a machine. I feel like Alan Turing right now.
Warden: Wouldn't I be the Alan in this case?
Lague: Whatever. It's a cool ass machine. Okay?
Warden: Damn right. Have I ever told you how much I liked puzzles?
Lague: You haven't, but I could infer that.
Warden: This new species of polymorphs you brought to me is quite the puzzle.
Lague: Yeah, I was throwing everything I could at them. Eventually, a friend of mine, Dr. Coix convinced me to get an expert to take a look. Not even he could crack it. "It" being how to contain these things.
Warden gestures to the machine in front of them and nods.
Warden: This girl right here's the solution to that puzzle. I call her Miracle.
Lague: Miracle? You named the machine after your daughter?
Warden: Well, this thing's name is actually the Miracrum Shaper, but Miracle is a little nickname I gave her.
Lague: I presume it does exactly what I think it does.
Warden: Stops polymorphs from shapeshifting? It should. Paratech isn't exactly a science, though.
Lague: Have you tested it?
Warden: Not yet.
Lague: But it works, right? Dr. Coix wants to get this thing in the field as soon as possible.
Warden: I'm like 98 percent sure it will. If it doesn't work, a whole lot of really talented engineers will be out of a job. What's Dr. Coix's deal anyways?
Lague: You mean his deal with the Apaseans? He's been on the forefront of efforts to track them for a long time now. At this point, I'm convinced it's just inertia.
Warden: Been there. But you realize that the possible applications of this machine extend beyond just containing the ah-pa-shawns—
Lague: [interrupting] Ah-pay-shuns.
Warden: Right. Anyway, the applications go beyond containing the uh-pay-shins—
Lague: [interrupting again] Ah-pay-shuns.
Warden: That's what I said, damnit. My point is that the applications of this machine could also be used to cover a whole wide array of polymorphs. It could be an essential piece of tech for my department.
Lague: Uh, remind me again, how much did this one machine cost to build?
Warden pauses.
Warden: I see your point.
Lague: We need to know it works before we start making more. There's an Apasean in custody as we speak who would be a great subject for a test run. Is Miracle ready to clip her wings?
Warden: [grins] I'll have it inspected by Engineering really quick and then we can get this down to your site in the morning.
Lague: Amazing.
Addendum 1: Archived testing logs of the Miracrum Shaper machine in select cases of captured SCP-8350 instances.
The Miracrum Shaper.
To: djwattson@scip.net, orsharon@scip.net, +37 others
From: arcoix@scip.net
Subject: Update on Polymorphs and Miracrum
This update is being sent to all Department of Polymorphs employees and staff working on the Miracrum Shaper project/other efforts aiming to further secure the detainment of polymorph anomalies.
As of this morning, SCP-8350 (the Apaseans) has been declared the primary target of the Miracrum Shaper project and affiliated efforts. This is due to their mass disruption potential and highly deceptive nature. External disclosures of this project and herein Level-4 classified. The Head of the Department of Polymorphs, klwarden@scip.net, and myself are to be notified of any and all developments regarding the species or capture of its members. For access to the item file, please see Dr. Warden, myself, or a RAISA official.
— Dr. Anthony Coix, Site-322 Command
Addendum 1.1: Interview between Dr. Klein Warden and a captured, unnamed SCP-8350 instance.
TRANSCRIPT
« BEGIN LOG »
An SCP-8350 instance is contained within a 40-square-meter fenced grassland plot outside Site-112. Interviewer Dr. Warden approaches the fence, where the instance is waiting on the other side. The Miracrum Shaper has been activated to protect the area.
Warden: Do you talk, too?
SCP-8350: No.
Warden: [rolling eyes] Clearly.
SCP-8350: Shit. Wait, how did you know I could talk?
Warden: You're an Apasean. Our task forces tracked you down in Turkey after receiving reports of a striped hyena rapidly changing shapes.
SCP-8350: Listen here, it's harder than it sounds. Okay? Was I the only one caught?
Warden: So, there were more of you in Turkey?
SCP-8350: Shit!
Warden: I work for an organization that has a keen interest in locating the rest of your species. We have no interest in hurting any of you. What can you tell me?
SCP-8350: Excuse you? I'm not a narc!
Warden: Okay, then. Do you have a name?
SCP-8350 ponders.
SCP-8350: A name? Never thought about that. I guess I never needed one. Wait, nope, I'm still not talking to you. I'm not a narc and I'm not a snitch!
Warden: Where do you guys get your names?
SCP-8350: I'm not talking to you.
Warden: You said there were more of you in Turkey. How many?
SCP-8350: Hey! I never said anything about those nine guys—shit!
Warden: So there's nine more. Is that it?
SCP-8350: Okay! You wore me down! Listen, you're not gonna find many of us anywhere. There are so few of us left in the world.
Warden is taken aback.
Warden: What do you mean?
SCP-8350: In the last hundred years, only a handful of us survived. There's only a couple tens of us left.
Warden: Do you all travel together?
SCP-8350: Why would we? No, we travel in small clusters. If we need to find each other, we know how.
Warden: How is that?
SCP-8350: Aye! I'm already talking, don't get greedy.
Warden: Okay, okay.
SCP-8350: I don't know what to do, guy. Can you just let me out of here?
Warden: That's not going to happen, I'm afraid. But if you keep talking, we can give you more comforting accommodations.
Green rings slowly appear around SCP-8350's irises.
SCP-8350: I want to go home, Klein.
Warden: How the hell do you know my name?
SCP-8350: You have a family. As do I. I just want to see them.
Warden: You can see them if you tell us where to find them.
SCP-8350: I already told you, I'm not a narc.
Warden: Then tough shit.
SCP-8350: Just lift the latch on the gate and let me free. I haven't hurt anyone.
Warden: Again, that isn't happening.
Warden opens the enclosure's gate, ostensibly without realizing.
SCP-8350: You just did.
Warden: What are you talking about?
SCP-8350 leaps out the opened gate. Warden draws his firearm and pursues the instance. SCP-8350 ultimately outruns Warden and disappears.
Warden: How the fuck did he open the gate?
« END LOG »
Addendum 1.2: Assessment of the effects the Miracrum Shaper has on various captured SCP-8350 instances.
| Instance # | Notable Effects | Containment Status |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | The instance was incapable of changing its total form. Small aspects like hair color, facial shape, ligament positions, and number of digits could be modified. | BREACHED |
| 2 | The instance was intermittently incapable of changing any aspects of its appearance. Its memetic capabilities were unaffected, a finding that is universal across examined instances. | BREACHED |
| 3 | The instance remained capable of accelerating and decelerating body movement, bodily systems, and natural chemical compound production, despite being incapable of changing its appearance. | BREACHED |
| 4 | The instance was capable of deceiving monitoring personnel into believing its appearance was different than what it was in reality. | BREACHED |
Addendum 1.3: Interview between Dr. Klein Warden, Head of the Polymorphs Department, and a captured SCP-8350 instance named Al Lias.
TRANSCRIPT
« BEGIN LOG »
Lias: Who are you?
Warden takes a seat across from Lias, who has been handcuffed to a table. The Miracrum Shaper is active, preventing Lias from shapeshifting.
Warden: Name's Klein, and I hear that you go by Al. Let's get started, shall we?
Lias: You honestly expect me to provide you with anything?
Warden: If you want to leave this room, then yes. There are eight security officers in there…
Warden points at the one-way glass window perpendicular to them both.
Warden: And another six waiting outside. They are prepared to gun you down or myself if you pull any tricks with me. You will only be leaving this room on my terms. Is that understood?
Lias: Yeah. Sure, man.
Warden: We have reason to believe the Apaseans are critically endangered, contrary to our original estimate of several tens of thousands in the world.
Lias: You're just now learning this? We engineered that number a while ago.
Warden: You artificially magnified the size of your own species?
Lias: Shapeshifters of all creeds are about the size of their game, Klein. You should know that.
Warden: So, it's just plain vanity, then?
Lias: More or less. It's mostly for our own survival. Humans and other mammals have a simple evolutionary strategy to scare off competition, and that is pumping yourselves up and looking bigger and more threatening than you actually are.
Warden: And Apaseans are different?
Lias: We and our competition are intellectual species. When you can take the shape of anyone and anything, size eventually ceases to be a fear factor. Numbers, however, can be a lot more intimidating. Sheer manpower.
Warden: And so your species is in danger? Because there are so few of you around today.
Lias: We'll outlast.
Warden: And your kind are so confident in that you're willing to constantly poke the Foundation with a stick.
Lias: [chuckles] We have been minding our business on the surface in secret for centuries. Then, you all come along and vow to lock us in cages. Who's the real one poking with a stick? Besides, if you want to talk to someone who knows anything about those conspiracies, you've got the wrong Apasean.
Warden: Where would I find the right Apasean?
Lias: It's not a far and wide search. You already have him in custody.
« END LOG »
Conclusion: The Miracrum Shaper machine has proven ineffective in the containment of SCP-8350. The project, and all allocated funds, have been relinquished to the Department of Polymorphs for research, development, and containment efforts of anomalies under their jurisdiction. Site-322 is actively looking into alternative means of containment. The subject identified by Al Lias in Addendum 1.3 has become a focal point of interest for the SCP-8350 research team and Site-322.
An SCP-8350 instance named Bob Humanman is escorted into Dr. Anthony Coix's office by three Mobile Task Force operatives. Dr. Warden is sitting next to Coix.
Humanman: Again, Dr. Coix? This is the second time this week.
Coix: Hello, Mr. Humanman. How was the flight?
Humanman: You mean where I was tied up, gagged, and blindfolded? Yeah, not the most pleasant experience.
Coix: You can't be too careful.
Humanman: Yeah, yeah. What is this about?
Humanman looks at Warden.
Humanman: And who is this clown?
Coix: A friend of mine. He's been overseeing your containment.
Humanman: Oh, so he's the reason I've been living like shit for the past month. You bet your ass that I'll have my way with him—
Humanman approaches Warden but is restrained to his seat by the operatives.
Warden: I'll remind you, Bob, that keeping you in check hasn't exactly been a cakewalk for me.
Humanman: [sarcastically] Oh, boo-hoo. Is keeping someone hostage against their will a lot of work for you?
Warden: If you listen to Dr. Coix, you might not have to be under my supervision much longer.
Warden turns to Coix, who focuses his attention on Humanman.
Coix: How would you like to work for the Foundation?
Humanman titters.
Humanman: Are you fucking crazy? No.
Warden: I told you he would say no.
Coix: Bob, hear me out, at least.
Humanman: Pass. In what world would I do that?
Coix: If you'd listen, you'd realize it is in your best interest.
Humanman: Yeah, right. You have no leverage, you buy any intelligence we feed you, and you never see it coming, no matter how many times we do it. In what world is this not a gigantic trap?
Coix: That's actually what I would like to discuss with you, and it's not a trap, I assure you.
Humanman: I don't care.
Coix: Well, you're in my office, so I will just talk. Your little stunts have used up a lot of our resources, I admit it, but they've also used up a lot of yours. The Apaseans can't keep playing this game of cat and mouse forever, and Mr. Humanman, you're running out of cards up your sleeve to play. So, I have come up with a solution that benefits both parties. You may even earn a sliver of freedom, to the dismay of my friend here.
Coix gestures to Warden.
Humanman: Yeah, yeah. Let's say that I accept your little deal. All goes well, and then you suddenly pull the rug or highlight some fine print or technicality, and—boom—I've fallen into your trap. Not again, Anthony! Not again!
Coix: Mr. Humanman, I already have you in custody, and you are absolutely not slipping out of here again. I promise you that. No, I am serious, and you'll be interested if you hear me out.
Humanman ponders for a moment.
Humanman: Seeing as I don't have a choice, I suppose I'll bite. I have nothing better to do.
Coix: All of your brothers and sisters turn themselves into the Foundation.
Humanman snorts.
Coix: You all work for our public relations office, and, in turn, we prevent your species from dying out.
Humanman's face flushes.
Coix: Yeah, we know. Your friends spilled the beans, and we're aware that your kind is bordering on being critically endangered. What was the figure? Three hundred? No, that was the high-ball estimate. Either way, the Apaseans dying out would be bad for the both of us, because I see a lot of potential in you guys. We have the resources necessary to ensure that is never a concern for any of you ever again.
Humanman: I'm sorry, and all you want us to do for you is public outreach?
Warden: [interjecting] And to stay out of any goddamn trouble.
Coix leans back in his chair.
Coix: Do you know how many Apaseans we have captured and lost? Our recovery and containment efforts have never been in higher swing, and even when we strip away your ability to change form, you slip right through our fingers. To actually contain you all would be a security nightmare. So, we instead employ you and put all of this to rest. Because honestly, who better for the task of handling public affairs, essentially tricking people, than the only people that can trick us?
Humanman: So, why exactly am I here? Like, me specifically.
Coix: I want you to head the department.
Humanman: Are you stupid? Why?
Coix: Because I know very well that you only got caught again because you wanted to be. You're only here by your own volition. You're an ass, and you just want to see people trip over themselves, but I also know you care about your brothers and sisters. All I'm asking of you is for you to shift away from deceiving us and instead deceive the world. I know you're all about the size of your game.
Humanman: Tempting, tempting.
Coix: You're stuck here anyway, so you might as well make yourself useful. Otherwise, Dr. Warden can escort you back to your containment chamber.
Humanman is silent for a moment.
Humanman: I'll see what the others think. If they're in, I'm in.
Coix: Good.
Coix extends his arm to shake Humanman's hand, who does not reciprocate.
Addendum 2: Excerpt from the Department of Public Affairs introductory.
Public Affairs Department (Introduction)
Est. 1999, Shaping Collective Perception
The importance of having a proficient public affairs office cannot be overstated. Any organization must maintain a positive public appearance—unless, of course, having a public appearance at all is the exact opposite of your organization's goal. The Foundation is one such exception. Within an organization that regularly confronts malevolent gods and world-eating horrors alike, the greatest threats are those threatening to lift the Veil. There is no greater danger to the Foundation than having its operations known to the world. It is paramount that the Foundation and all things anomalous are kept entirely hidden from the general public.
Many people believe that public affairs offices are meant to inform the public and keep them in the loop, to be transparent and honest with the world, to maintain a facade of trustworthiness. In truth, this is a misconception. The goal of public affairs, even outside the Foundation, is to keep the boiling masses to a simmer through generality and deceit. Of course, that works for a typical corporation. However, more extreme measures are necessary for an atypical corporation such as the Foundation. The only way to protect normalcy as we know it is to manufacture what is true and manipulate what is not in the eyes of the public. Otherwise, the world falls apart.
— Martin Senatore, Former Director of Public Affairs
Veritas est fluida. This is our motto, which is Latin for "truth is fluid." The Department of Public Affairs exercises this idea in everything it does, from marketing to campaigning to managing Foundation fronts, particularly those affiliated with the media. The department is responsible for everything pertaining to disinformation and maintaining the Foundation's ideal public image, which is having no public image. We cover up the Foundation's discrepancies and public incidents and filter every faucet through which information flows, from print to television, to radio, to social media.
The Department of Public Affairs has overseen over 1,800 disinformation campaigns in the 25 years since our conception. We were preceded by the Public Relations Bureau, which was preceded by the Office of Disinformation, which was preceded by the Narrative Orchestration Commission, which was preceded by the Ministry of Information. The Foundation's central office for public relations has seen more iterations than any other department. So, what sets us apart from our predecessors? None of them have had a remotely similar impact on public perception.
Never before has it been as easy to spread information as today, nor has it ever been easier to convince an ordinary person to believe something untrue. The widespread adoption of the internet has unlocked the ability for anyone and everyone to broadcast to a global audience. You can imagine how a department such as ours could exploit such technology. The chances are that what you think you know about the Foundation is but smoke and mirrors. You're welcome.
[Excerpt from "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: An Introduction to Public Affairs and Outreach"]
Dir. Paul Lague and Dr. Martin Senatore chat in the Site-322 break room.
Lague: You don't know. Maybe it'll be a rousing success after all. Ant is calculated; he's careful.
Senatore: It's a fucking joke. He's being a lunatic.
Lague: I have my reservations, but I also have full faith—
Coix enters and pours himself a glass of coffee by the coffee machine.
Coix: Don't let me interrupt. As you two were.
Neither speaks.
Coix: Ah, you guys are talking about me. I see.
Lague: Ant, don't be silly. We're talking about the new, incoming hires, not you specifically.
Coix shifts his attention to Senatore.
Coix: In which case, please share your concerns, Martin.
Senatore: There are just a lot of risks with this pet project of yours that I'm afraid haven't been thoroughly evaluated.
Coix: You're afraid that I, of all people, have not been thorough enough? Go on.
Senatore: That's not what I mean. I'm just saying, for one, Apaseans are pathological liars. Even you know that. That's what they're known for! We have been in conflict with them for years. Second, you're entrusting some asshole with my department, sir!
Lague: [smirks] Technically, not your department anymore.
Coix: So, Martin, you have an issue with the new department head?
Senatore: Of course I do. His name is Bob fucking Humanman. What kind of a name is that?
Coix: I have been tracking the Apaseans for years. I know what they value, I know what makes them tick, and what we found out in the Miracrum trials was the Hail Mary we needed. This deal is in their best interests, and they know that. For that, I trust them to do their jobs.
Lague shrugs his shoulders and turns to look at Senatore.
Senatore: [sighs] Alright, fine. I'm still mighty skeptical, but they're certainly an eccentric case, and eccentric cases call for eccentric solutions. If you believe the Apaseans are what the department needs, then I stand with you.
Coix: Thank you, Martin.
Senatore: But, if I may, why did you choose Bob Humanman as the director? He's not exactly up to the task.
Lague: Actually, I second Marty on that. Bob's incompetent, if not a sociopath. With the history you two have, you still want him to head a department?
Senatore: I mean, how can you even be sure Mr. Humanman can follow basic protocol? Are we just supposed to take your word for it? Remember what happened when the Polymorphs Department was handling him?
Coix: Martin, if you're so worried about this, how about you supervise the new director for a few weeks and make sure he acclimates well to his new position?
Senatore: Wait, no. I don't think that's necessary.
Coix: No, no, you're right. Someone needs to make sure he is up to the task and stays in line, and you have the experience. So, you'll be supervising him for the foreseeable future until he has your full support.
Senatore buries his head in his hands.
Coix: This is a big leap, I admit, but it will pan out for us in the long haul—I know that much. Not only will this put the Foundation's conflict with the Apaseans to bed, but it will be our biggest step in communication technology and propaganda since the internet. It's genius, really.
Lague: Ant, you know you have my support.
Coix: By the way, I should be the first to tell both of you that this Public Affairs office makeover stays under wraps for the time being. Understood? You'll receive a memo from the Internal Arbitration Bureau, but I thought I'd make it clear so you don't spill the beans before then. Nobody else knows we've already swapped out all the staff.
Lague: Wait, did we do that already?
Coix: Two weeks ago, actually. You would know if you read the briefs I sent you.
Lague: Ant, you send me way too many damn papers.
Coix: The new hires have been working under the guise of the old staff to make sure the transition is as smooth as possible.
Senatore: I wasn't informed about this. I even met with the a temporary appointee filling my position. Who was that guy?
Coix: Bob. You couldn't even tell, could you?
Addendum 3: Audio transcript from Director Paul Lague's office security camera.
TRANSCRIPT
« BEGIN LOG »
Bob Humanman (pictured left), Director of Public Affairs.
Humanman enters Lague's office.
Humanman: A word, please.
Lague: Oh hey, Bob. Yes, take a seat.
Humanman takes a seat across from Lague, who begins spinning around in circles in his chair.
Humanman: Can I get one of those spinny chairs?
Lague: One of these? Sure. But anyways, how are things?
Humanman: You humans just continue to amaze me. Did you know that old people on Facebook will believe literally anything?
Lague: Yeah, I buy that.
Humanman: The department barely even has to touch that place. You should hear the stuff they believe about vaccines! They are so far gone from reality.
Lague: It sounds like you've adjusted well in your first few months.
Humanman: Sure, except for the fact that Matthew guy is still breathing on my neck all the time. Is this whole supervision thing necessary?
Lague: Matthew? Do you mean Marty?
Humanman: I mean, I get the apprehension and all, but I appointed my vice head, my advisors, a factotum, division leads, and all that nonsense within the first month. On top of that, everything has been running perfectly since. No major incidents to speak of yet. The transition has been smooth like butter.
Lague: No incidents… yet?
Humanman: I'm being what people call "cautiously optimistic."
Lague: [exhales] Of course. That aside, I honestly had my doubts when Anthony brought you in, but my mind has since been changed.
Humanman: I appreciate that. Oh, and I've been giving the files and anomalies at this site a gander like you suggested, and apparently, there's this freaky vending machine you guys have lying around. Do you mind—
Lague: [interrupting] Okay, no. Why don't we skip to why you're here?
Humanman: Right, right. I want to talk about the department. For starters, I want to know how long I, and by extension my whole team, is going to be on that Marty guy's leash.
Lague: He was assigned to oversee you until he was satisfied with your leadership. It's a lot of power… yadda, yadda, yadda. It was Ant's call, you get it. He's hardly impeded your operations to my knowledge.
Humanman: So, you still don't trust me after all.
Lague: I never said that! Speaking as your boss, the productivity boom in your department is nothing to scoff at. It's impressive, really, as if you all were born for this line of work.
Humanman: Can we talk about my proposition then?
Lague: You mean the one you sent Ant in the form of a Google Slides presentation? Sure. What about it?
Humanman: I presume he forwarded it to you?
Lague: He did, yes. But unfortunately, as a director with responsibilities and whatnot, there is a big likelihood it would get killed by my superiors if I signed off on it right now. It needs to be assessed first.
Humanman: My department has been configuring it and vetting it for over a week. What's there to assess?
Lague: I mean by a third party, by the relevant authorities that could implement this. Your proposal wants to open up a few hundred new locations, which is totally plausible, but it would also allow the department to get in bed with world leaders and governments.
Humanman: Asia alone has almost 5 billion people. If we coordinate with the governments of China, Indonesia, Pakistan, India, and etcetera, the Foundation's influence over the international media would not just extend to the tens of millions and hundreds of millions as you said, but to the billions—and in only a matter of minutes rather than weeks or months.
Lague: You don't have to pitch it to me, Bob. You have to pitch it to the people who would be making it happen. You'll need the vouches from the other departments and divisions that would see this through.
Humanman: You sound like Dr. Coix.
Lague: Quiet. Listen, all of this is to say that it's easier said than done, and you're going to have to get your hands dirty in the ring.
Humanman: What is there you could do to help?
Lague: Not much. After all, this is an inter-department and international matter. But what I can do is put through a recommendation to RAISA to have the proposal assessed. It's the quickest way to collect vouches.
Humanman: You keep talking about vouches, but vouches for what?
Lague: For when you take it to the O5, of course.
« END LOG »
To: bjhumanman@scip.net
From: arcoix@scip.net
Subject: Proposal No. 9544 Assessment Scheduled
Hello, Mr. Humanman.
I am messaging you on behalf of Site Director Lague to inform you that his request for an assessment of Proposal Number 9544 to the Records and Information Security Administration has been approved. The Administration will be sending representatives of the Engineering Division and the Oversight Committee to the Public Affairs Department headquarters on Tuesday.
Shower beforehand, be cordial, be respectful, and do not make any inappropriate comments, so no sex jokes. Understood?
— Dr. Anthony Coix, Site-322 Command
To: arcoix@scip.net
From: bjhumanman@scip.net
Subject: Re: Proposal No. 9544 Assessment Scheduled
Fine.
Bob Humanman and Susan Lastname, also an SCP-8350 instance and the Chief Advisor of the Public Affairs Department, talk in passing inside the department headquarters control room.
Susan Lastname, Chief Advisor of Public Affairs.
Humanman: Your job is advising, right? Advise me.
Lastname: What is it now, boss? I'm about to meet with the media team to discuss the new PayPal scandal. Involves an SCP.
Humanman: Which one? Can I guess? How about the goblin with a drinking problem.
Lastname: What? No. What are you—nevermind. What is it you need? Walk and talk.
Lastname, carrying folders and papers, rushes out the control room with Humanman following.
Humanman: Remember that proposal you and the team here helped me write?
Lastname: The one that you insisted on revising ad nauseum to the point nobody in their right mind would approve it? Yeah, I remember. I thought you hated bureaucracy.
Humanman: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyways, the ol' director is having it assessed by some fucking engineers and a fucking committee.
Lastname: I take it you aren't happy about that?
Humanman: People aren't supposed to compromise. I'm used to always getting my way.
Humanman and Lastname stop walking and pause in the hallway.
Lastname: As am I, boss, but that doesn't fly here. Outside, you tell someone to heel, and they heel—that's why the Foundation hired us. But here, they do not heel.
Humanman: Not easily, Susan. Not easily. In any regard, what am I going to do about the assessment?
Lastname: It should be pretty straightforward, no? Did the Site Director give you any advice?
Humanman: Something about showing my hands and being a corridor. I skimmed the email.
Lastname: You mean being cordial?
Humanman: That would make a lot more sense.
Lastname: I would strongly advise that, yes. If you want to get anywhere with this proposal, you need to act like a boss, boss. This isn't just about you, but our department and our people.
Humanman: I know that.
Lastname: Have you looked into candidates for the new positions that will open if the proposal is seen through?
Humanman: Shit! Am I supposed to have people ready?
Lastname: Don't worry. Your factotum, Al Lias, and I have already been working on it. We've drawn up a list of possible regional directors for the department now that we're physically expanding abroad.
Humanman: Oh, sick! Okay, we'll unpack that later.
Lastname: Good idea. We'll also discuss communications management and other nooks and crannies then. Now, I'm running late, so is there anything else?
Humanman: Nope. Go figure out the deal with that alcoholic troll.
Lastname: [exasperated] That's—okay, I'm going.
Addendum 4: Logs from the assessment of Proposal No 9544.
PROPOSAL No 9544
Dept. P.A. Expansion
Summary: Proposal No 9544 will add 675 new sites globally to host the Public Affairs Department and its operations. SCP-8350 instances currently on payroll will be tasked with the recruitment of the necessary employees required for operations at the new sites to run smoothly.
New cover-up locations, hosting facilities, and department offices per the proposal.
Addendum 4.1: Assessment by representative of the Engineering Division, Philip Jaroslav.
TRANSCRIPT
« BEGIN LOG »
Jaroslav and Humanman arrive separately at a retired Foundation front business in Nicaragua.
Humanman: Hey, man.
Jaroslav: As you were, Mr. Humanman
The two pause.
Humanman: Uh, so what's up with the freaky-deaky building?
Jaroslav: [gestures to the building] This is why the Engineering Division is willing to hear out your proposal. Our operations have been stretched very thin with similar recent expansions being approved for other departments. Fortunately for you, the Foundation has been slow in demolishing offices that were constructed for now-defunct programs and departments. There are several hundred still standing.
Humanman: So, we'll be getting leftovers?
Jaroslav: No, we'd be refurbishing these locations.
Humanman: Oh. I was looking forward to working out of a dark, rundown facility like in the spy thrillers and crime dramas.
Jaroslav: [rolling eyes] Anyway. We have also identified a plethora of running Foundation fronts that Public Affairs could operate out of. Mobile sites, if you will.
Humanman: See, now we're talking. Very the Continental.
Jaroslav: I will presume that is some popular culture reference. In any regard, the mobile sites and refurbished facilities easily meet your request of 675 facilities.
Humanman: Without spreading your staff much thinner?
Jaroslav: Not necessarily. My higher-ups believe that the funds that would be allocated to the Engineering Division for these new locations is inadequate compensation.
Humanman: Inadequate compensation? You mean you want more money?
Jaroslav: Yes. Are you familiar with a quid-pro-quo?
Humanman: Yes.
Jaroslav: Our funding has continued to see cuts for the past few quarters. If you can see to it that the Engineering Division is funded justly through your proposal, not just for the new sites but also to recuperate the cuts we've incurred, then you will have our vouch.
Humanman: And how would I do that?
Jaroslav: Affix a new provision to your proposal or something. Legislatures do it all the time. Or you can negotiate with the Financial Department's budgeting team and do another quid-pro-quo with them.
Humanman: And I would convince them… how?
Jaroslav: I think you know where this is going.
Humanman: Oh.
Jaroslav: You know our terms. Now, would you like a tour of the facility? We've yet to refurbish it, obviously, but I think you'd like to know what you'll be working with.
Humanman: Of course.
« END LOG »
Support Status: PENDING/UNCONFIRMED
Addendum 4.2: Assessment by representative of the Oversight Committee, Oma Fran.
TRANSCRIPT
« BEGIN LOG »
Humanman meets with Fran in her office at Site-57.
Fran: Hello, Mr. Humanman.
Humanman: Heyo, what's go—er, how are you?
Fran: I'm alright. Shall we begin? This shouldn't take too long.
Humanman: Thank God.
Fran: First, I know that the geography of these new proposed locations is out of my realm of scrutiny, but per your proposal, at least one location would open in Afghanistan, Haiti, and Yemen respectively.
Humanman: Yes, we want all of our bases covered.
Fran: To be frank, we don't necessarily have a good relationship with the governments of those countries. I'm not Foreign Relations, so I'm not one to comment on the section in your proposal about coordination with local governments, but I have concerns about establishing a propaganda manufacturer staffed by Foundation employees in those regions.
Humanman: Applied Force, Alchemy, Tactical Theology, Antiquity, and Atypical Persuasion all operate in those regions.
Fran: Yes, but those are departments with armed personnel and treaties with the Yemeni, Afghan, and Haitian governments. I can't imagine a department focused on running contradictory propaganda reaching a similar agreement.
Humanman: And what if we did get them to reach an agreement with us?
Fran: How would you go about achieving that?
Humanman: We simply use our persuasive abilities on them.
Fran: Are you suggesting you and your staff would anomalously manipulate government leaders to achieve the goals of your proposal?
Humanman: I was told I would have to get my hands dirty.
Humanman and Fran sit in brief silence.
Fran: Well, damn. That just might work.
Humanman: Will the Oversight Committee vouch?
Fran: Using deceptive tactics to sway powerful entities in our favor? That sounds right up our alley. I'll put in a good word to the chairwoman.
Humanman: Thank you so much.
« END LOG »
Support Status: IN AFFIRMATION
Susan Lastname and Dude (no recorded last name), also an SCP-8350 instance and public affairs officer, meet with Humanman in his office.
Dude, Captain of the Public Affairs Print Division.
Dude: Sweet pad, boss!
Humanman: Pretty awesome, right? I even get my own spinny chair.
Dude: Is that why you insist on taking the form of a human? Their bodies are so awkward, though.
Humanman: It's a lot more comfortable when you remove the organs and genitals.
Dude: See, this is why you're the head honcho around here.
Humanman: Was there something you two wanted to see me about?
Humanman turns his attention to Lastname.
Humanman: Susan, you're awfully quiet. Hit me!
Lastname: Uh, okay?
Lastname slaps Humanman across the face.
Humanman: Damnit, Susan! It's an expression!
Lastname: Sorry. Um, we're here to update you on the team's progress with the project.
Humanman: The ordeal with France or the thing about the McDonald's reptile meat?
Dude: I'm sorry, the McDonald's what now?
Lastname: [rolling eyes] Boss, the one about the ive-oh-fay ommand-cay.
Dude: Bless you.
Humanman: Well, how's it going, Susan? Hit m—I mean, share with me.
Lastname: You have a meeting with the O5 at two o'clock tomorrow. O5-1 will be in attendance. He's who you'll need to convince.
Humanman: I still think we should've gone with the codenames.
Lastname: [sighs] Again, boss, the ones you suggested were completely inappropriate.
Humanman: Whatever, whatever. Do we have the doppelgängers?
Lastname: All six of them, boss.
Humanman: Six? I thought we needed seven for a majority.
Lastname: The seventh one had complications, but we'll be fine without them.
There is a pause.
Humanman: Uh, okay? And where are the six originals?
Lastname: We told them they had won an all-expenses-paid free vacation. As we speak, they're on a first-class flight to the Bahamas, where they will enjoy a week-long stay at a five-star resort followed by a three-day luxury cruise.
Humanman and Dude: Lucky.
Lastname: Boss, you must bring your A-game tomorrow. Okay?
Humanman: I always bring my A-game. What did I tell you? This is all just a bunch of bureaucratic shit. All we need is for Big—I mean, O5-1 to sign off.
Lastname: As your Chief Advisor, it's my job to ensure everything goes smoothly. So, none of your antics, don't be sarcastic, don't play coy, and stay on topic.
Humanman: [rolling eyes] You sound like Paul.
Lastname: It's really simple, boss. Just take everything you would normally do and do the exact opposite. If you screw this up, we're toast.
Dude: Someone said toast?
Humanman: [groaning] Ugh, fine.
Dude: And make sure to complement the guy's hair. I assume he has awesome hair.
Lastname: Lastly, don't listen to Dude whatsoever. Now, where is your suit?
Humanman: I'm supposed to have a suit?
Addendum 5: Minutes of Bob Humanman's meeting with the O5 command.
TRANSCRIPT
Bob Humanman (pictured far left) speaking before the O5 command. O5-1 is pictured top center-left.
« BEGIN LOG »
Mobile Task Force Alpha-1 operatives remove Humanman's blindfold and show him to his seat. The Miracrum Shaper has been activated to protect the O5's conference room and prevent infiltrations after the meeting has begun.
Humanman: Again with the blindfold.
O5-1: Shall we begin?
Humanman: Yes, yes. Thank you for taking the time to have me.
O5-1: Of course, Mr. Humanman. I've heard a lot about you.
Humanman: And I've heard a lot about you.
O5-1 raises an eyebrow.
O5-1: Have you now? From whom?
Humanman: No, sorry, I mean, I haven't actually heard anything about you. I was trying to reciprocate the compliment. I, uh…
Humanman looks at O5-1's bald head.
Humanman: I like what you've done with your hair.
O5-1: Excuse me?
A few O5 lower their heads, one rubbing her eyebrows.
Humanman: Never mind. Y'know what? I'll start with what I've prepared.
O5-1: Good idea, Mr. Humanman. As the proponent of this proposal, why don't you introduce it.
Humanman: If you look at the first reference, you'll see a copy of my proposal, number 9-5-4-4.
O5-1 opens the Manila folder in front of him, and the other O5 follow suit and open theirs.
Humanman: In 2020, a proposal was approved to add 1,000 new locations for the Department of Culinary Anomalies.
O5-6: To be fair, a lot of cooking goes on in the world. Lots of anomalies.
Humanman: What my proposal seeks to do is bring the total facility count for my department, Public Affairs, up to 700 in total. In my opinion, the needs of my department and what it is aiming to achieve are magnitudes more important than what is done by culinary anomalies. Comparing divisions alone, we have the News Broadcasting Division, the Public Office Division, the Motion Picture Division, and the Social Media Division to their Dry-Heat Cooking Division and Moist-Heat Cooking Division. It should be a no-brainer.
O5-1: You are correct, and if it was Senatore sitting in your chair, this would be a no-brainer. Boom! The department can have those locations. But you're not Senatore, are you?
Humanman: I could be. I could also be Abe Lincoln or any president really. I could be a dinosaur, a bird, or even a half-dinosaur, half-bird hybrid.
O5-9: Boss—I mean, Mr. Humanman, I think you're missing the point.
O5-1: Thank you, Nine. Mr. Humanman, what I mean to say is that you and I have no history nor rapport, and I have no reason to see this through. In fact, I've heard you were quite the difficulty for one of our Department Heads in the past. I would be willing to approve the new locations if the Engineering Division vouched for it, which they have yet to, but even so, that is only a fraction of the expansion.
Humanman: I know, I know. The proposal also seeks to expand our communications with world leaders, governments, and international organizations. If you turn to the third and fourth references…
The O5 briefly shuffle through the papers in their folders.
Humanman: You'll see the Assistant Director of the Foreign Affairs Office and the Chairwoman of the Oversight Committee have respectively vouched for this proposal. Additionally, I have the support of my superior, Site Director Lague.
O5-1: Those are mighty credible, Mr. Humanman, but I have also been informed that the evermore International Relations Bureau refused to vouch for your proposal.
Humanman: Are international relations and foreign affairs not literal synonyms?
O5-1: There is a divide on where our various agencies stand on your proposal.
Humanman: You ask ten doctors what's wrong with a patient, there is going to be at least one dissenter. The fact of the matter is that this organization maintains normalcy through control, and there is no stronger means than propaganda. Public Affairs has made great use of the resources provided to it, and the Foundation has the capability to expand those resources, all to its own benefit.
O5-7 nods his head.
O5-7: I agree with the proponent's notion.
O5-1 glances at O5-7 and then shifts his attention back to Humanman.
O5-1: I'll reiterate that we have no rapport, you and I. Why should I, and by extension, this council, trust you in this expansion?
Humanman: In this book I read recently, the authoritarian state controls its people by forcing two contradicting narratives on them simultaneously, doublethink. The Foundation currently operates similarly when it needs to clean up its messes and lick its wounds. It's easier said than done to convince a person to trust you over their own senses, especially in a day and age where everyone and everything is on camera and under perpetual scrutiny.
O5-1: And you aim to..?
O5-1 trails off inquisitively.
Humanman: Eradicate the need for a competing narrative altogether.
Several O5 lean forward in their chairs.
Humanman: If we bend world leaders to our side and make the world population doubt their own senses and reasoning, our sole, uncontested narrative will effectively become truth.
O5-1: Is this a guarantee?
Humanman: Only once we have a location in every country, state, and territory and a communications line with every minister, president, monarch, emperor, chancellor, and premier in the world.
The O5 nod along with Humanman. O5-2 leans into O5-1 and whispers in his ear. After a moment, he sits back upright.
O5-1: Mr. Humanman.
Humanman: Yes?
O5-1: Two has informed me of a development with your proposal. The Communications Director of the Engineering Division has offered his vouch. Congratulations.
Humanman: Does that mean the department is getting its expansion?
O5-1: The council and I wish to iron out any further details and concerns, but after that, if we are satisfied, I will move your proposal to a vote.
Remainder of transcript abridged.
« END LOG »
| PROPOSAL No 9544 VOTE | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| YAY | NAY | ABSTAIN | |
| O5-1 | X | ||
| O5-2 | X | ||
| O5-3 | X | ||
| O5-4 | X | ||
| O5-5 | X | ||
| O5-6 | X | ||
| O5-7 | X | ||
| O5-8 | X | ||
| O5-9 | X | ||
| O5-10 | X | ||
| O5-11 | X | ||
| O5-12 | X | ||
| O5-13 | X | ||
Lastname meets Humanman in Site-01's entrance block with Alpha-1 operatives on patrol.
Humanman: What time is it?
Lastname: Almost eight. You were in there for a really long time. You're still breathing, so I assume it went as planned?
Humanman: Like clockwork. The meeting got out after like 30 minutes, and the rest of the time I spent chatting up the people in the site. It's not every day you get to be inside the big oh-one.
Lastname: Fun. It's a shame then that we'll both be amnesticized on the train..
Humanman: Oh, I don't care what anyone in there said, as long as I made a good impression on them. It never hurts to have powerful people on your side.
Lastname: And now you're starting to think like a true bureaucrat.
Humanman: I don't want to hear it. Though, I just realized, what are we going to do about the doppelgängers? They're still in there.
Lastname: They'll switch out in a day or two when the originals get in, just like the first time around. But, if I may, how did you know any of that would work, the whole switch-a-roo scheme?
Humanman: Well, the O5 and everyone else we had to go through were so convinced that we were powerless against them that they let their guard down. When you want to see things in black and white, like whatever the hell memetics are, the gray will slip through.
Lastname: The gray being?
Humanman: [chuckles] Something like an all-expenses paid vacation. They didn't even expect us to have people in there already. By the time the meeting started, that mirror crumbs thing already locked our guys into their forms.
Lastname: If it's all that easy, why be subservient to them? Why work for them?
Humanman: Our goal is the same as theirs, is it not? The Foundation wants to maintain normalcy by staying in the shadows, and we've practically been doing just that for two hundred years. Together, we are strengthened.
Lastname: I suppose when you frame it like that. But, all of that aside, there's one thing I'm still confused about, boss.
Humanman: And what's that?
Lastname: One of our guys on the inside said the Foreign Affairs Office backed our proposal, but they never even assessed it. How did you get the assistant director to vouch for it?
Humanman: I called in a favor.
Lastname: A favor? For what?
Humanman: Well, it turns out everyone needs something. That's all I'll say.
Dr. Coix and Dr. Warden appear around the corner, and Humanman and Lastname halt.
Humanman: Hello, Dr. Coix, Dr. Warden.
Warden: Oh, it's you again.
Coix: Relax, Klein. Anyways, Mr. Humanman, I hear the proposal went through. Congratulations.
Warden: I'll second that congratulations. You've come a long way, you bastard.
Humanman: Why thank you. Did word travel that quickly?
Coix: Site-322 command received a memo about it shortly after. Dr. Warden and I are here to see Recruitment about the new staffing.
Humanman: Well, the department is about to get a lot bigger, huh? Do you think I'm up to the task?
Coix: I was right about you taking over the department to begin with. Was I not?
Humanman: I never thanked you for that, by the way.
Coix: Please, you don't have to. It would be deeply unsettling coming from you, trust me.
Humanman: You're right. So, what's next?
Coix: What's next? You keep doing what you're doing.
Humanman: Just with a lot more people in a lot more places. We Apaseans will have to teach the new hires how to take on our abilities.
Coix tilts his head in confusion.
Coix: It can be taught? I didn't even know that was possible.
Humanman: Of course. It's like learning a language.
Coix: [clenching teeth] Great.
Warden rubs his eyebrows.
Warden: That's just lovely.
Humanman does not reply. He instead extends his arm to Coix, and they shake hands.
