"I’ve got a vice-grip on my Tourette’s. Latched onto its cock like a misplaced fish.”
Item #: SCP-8205
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8205 is confined within the basement pipe network of ██████ ████████.1 Motion sensors have been installed at certain parts of the network in order to prevent the anomaly's egress from the building.
If at any point personnel do not hear SCP-8205 shout an expletive when it reaches a dead end, an alarm is to be sounded for potential containment breach.
Description: SCP-8205 is a presumably former human whose anatomy has been heavily warped; specifically, its body is elongated on the vertical axis, to an estimated length of 20 meters. Its structure additionally acts as a non-Newtonian fluid, with changes to its morphology a frequent occurrence. Due to its severe disfigurement, it is unable to walk and experiences strong difficulty crawling. SCP-8205's primary form of locomotion is sliding through hollow cylindrical objects, most commonly pipes.
SCP-8205 is anomalously adept at this form of traversal, with current measurements placing its maximum speed at 44km/h. The currently accepted theory is the subject’s anomalous movement is partly gravitational in nature: it has been observed that major movements on SCP-8205's part involve a point (or multiple) on its mass pulling the rest of the body forward. Minor movements are the result of it tensing and releasing muscles and skin, with varying levels of articulation. Of note is that SCP-8205 is only able to utilize its gravitational anomaly while in structures it considers to be pipes.
A secondary anomalous property the entity possesses is remote manipulation of objects and structures it considers to be pipes. Testing for telekinesis, animus-based telepathy, and retro-causal temporal editing have yielded no results; testing for ontokinesis has been inconclusive. SCP-8205 mainly uses this ability to create new pathways to travel through, though the full capabilities of this property is unknown.
SCP-8205's personality is highly abrasive, exhibiting varying levels of hostility to all organisms it encounters. The actions the subject takes are unpredictable and driven by obtuse logic, with the only consistent behavior being its attempts to escape containment.
Discovery: On the 17th of September, 2023, maintenance workers at ██████ ████████ reported sounds of whispering coming from the basement pipes. Because all employees at the plant were well-versed on procedure when dealing with GoI-952, the workers elected to ignore it.
Three days later, a pipe blockage was encountered in the basement. Inspection revealed what was initially believed to be a fatberg,2 before the organic material shot out and punched each worker present in the face simultaneously. After communication with the entity revealed it to be an anomaly unrelated to GoI-952, the Foundation was notified and containment established.
Interview Log:
Interviewed: SCP-8205
Interviewer: Dr. Jebet Oei
Foreword: Personnel arrived at ██████ ████████ from the nearby Site-393, with Dr. Oei electing to conduct the interview. SCP-8205 conversed with Dr. Oei through an open pipe, with its eye protruding from another.
<Begin Log>
Dr. Oei: Can you please state your name for the record?
SCP-8205: I'm Pipeman, you stupid asshole!
Dr. Oei: I- well, alright. I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about yourself? But how do you feel right now? If you are feeling unwell, we can postpone the questions for another day.
SCP-8205: I don't get sick, my immune cells are twice as big as the average person's.
Dr. Oei: I don't just mean illness. How do you feel physically? Are you experiencing any discomfort from being confined to such a tight space?
SCP-8205: What kind of idiot fucking dumb moron question is that? Of course I feel fine, I'm Pipeman! I have the longest body in the world!
Dr. Oei: Uh… How did you gain such a long body? Were you born this way, or did some event in your life cause this change?
SCP-8205: I used to be an investor, with a habit of "going long" on assets: buying stocks and bonds that'll increase in value over time. And I was the best at it; I went long on every investment! I was rolling in dough. I was the longest investor in the world! But my way of life eventually came crashing down along with the stock market. GameStop, Build-a-Bear, the value of all my assets plummeted. I was forced to sell all my valuables just to keep the repo men from taking my kidneys and thyroids. I lost everything! My TV, my bike, I even had to release my prized axolotls into the Chicago River.
The world government failed me. If the pillars of society were gonna prevent me from going long, then I'd just have to make my own pillar, a hollow pillar, a tube you could say! So I threw myself into a vacuum tube, and elongated my form beyond human imagination just like Elon did with his kid I think!
Dr. Oei: We've noticed that you're able to manipulate pipes and tubes without touching them. How is that?
SCP-8205: I've eaten so much iron that it's created a polar charge in my bloodstream and given me the ability to move pipes through the power of magnosis!
Dr. Oei: You… eat iron?
SCP-8205: I eat iron blocks, banana peels, greeting cards, and whatever the hell else I find in the pipes.
Dr. Oei: How have you been able to subsist solely off of refuse found in pipe systems?
SCP-8205: Sewer workers tried to assassinate me by force feeding me sludge. Little did they know, that sludge was filled with fluoride! Now I got the strongest teeth in the world, baby! I can break any rat's ass!
Dr. Oei: How did you arrive in this facility?
SCP-8205: I lost a golfball, so I fought the alligator to get it back. The bitch kicked my ass then waffle stomped me down another drain and I ended up here.
Dr. Oei: So-
SCP-8205: But I got the golfball back.
Dr. Oei: What did you do with the golfball?
SCP-8205: I put it on a shelf.
Dr. Oei: What shelf?
SCP-8205: A shelf, you nitwit!
Dr. Oei: …Right. You mentioned you used to be an investor. Do you remember what your name used to be back then? Or the company or firm you used to work for, if any?
SCP-8205: I'm not telling you my secret identity what the fuck? See, there's this little thing called "kayfabe," which means— I forget what it means but it's the same idea, orthogonally.
Dr. Oei: Well, you are within your right to withhold any information you're not comfortable sharing.
SCP-8205: More like within my blight! I've been stuck in this brick-biome for the past 36 hours.3
A wet slithering sound echos through the pipe system above, before ending in a loud metallic bang.
SCP-8205: Cock!
Dr. Oei: Unfortunately, I'm afraid you'll have to stay here a little while longer. There's been a—
SCP-8205: Fuck that. The laws of the universe can't constrain me; I slide right through them!
SCP-8205's eye shoots forward in an attempt to hit Dr. Oei. He dodges, before being hit from a different pipe and knocked over.
SCP-8205: I'm the Dan Cooper of leaving buildings!
<End Log>Closing Statement: Dr. Oei was treated for his injury and returned to duty.
Further Information: After containment was stabilized, research into SCP-8205's pre-containment history began. Reports, sightings, and footage of the entity's activity between 2021-2023 were collected. It is unknown how these events escaped the Foundation's notice.
SCP-8205's actions during this period were seemingly random, with no identifiable modus operandi.4 The majority of these records are unremarkable in terms of research value, but three noteworthy cases have been included below.
Incident X-A:
<Begin Log>
The sound of PIPEMAN5 slithering and banging in the pipes dominates the audio. Crunching sand begins to pierce through as a wheel-shaped mass of flesh rolls into camera view. It is unknown how this intruder evaded security's notice.
Unknown: So, this is what you've been reduced to. A beast outwitted by crows.
PIPEMAN ceases its escape attempts, pushing the majority of its face out of a pipe to face the intruder.
PIPEMAN: Ballman…
WHEELMAN:6 It's Wheelman now, thanks to you. After you forced me into that hydraulic press, I've been… permanently disfigured.
PIPEMAN: That haircut you had when I first met you was the only perm disfigurement I saw.
WHEELMAN: (Ignoring it.) The doctors were finally on the verge of figuring out how to free me from the caul, after 38 years! Now, this fleshy film is the only thing keeping me alive.
PIPEMAN: Those doctors should've called it quits, you've been more hassle than it's worth, and your parents probably feel the same way.
WHEELMAN: I can see your Tourette's are your most striking feature, as always.
PIPEMAN: I’ve got a vice-grip on my Tourette’s. Latched onto its cock like a misplaced fish.
(A pause.)
(WHEELMAN begins rolling in place.)
WHEELMAN: I've been training, Pipeman, on the racetracks of Indiana.
PIPEMAN: The only track you're gonna be on is the one-way conveyor belt to jail.
WHEELMAN: You are the one who is literally imprisoned!
(WHEELMAN speeds up.)
PIPEMAN: Hah! When you get to be as slippery as me, you—
(WHEELMAN launches himself forward, crashing through the tangle of pipes containing PIPEMAN. He looks behind at the wreckage and sees PIPEMAN's partially exposed arm slipping into another pipe.)
PIPEMAN: I’m like baby-batter fallen out of a condom: loose and unsightly.
(PIPEMAN retreats further into the pipe network. WHEELMAN gives chase, attempting to slam himself into pipes holding PIPEMAN, but missing.)
PIPEMAN: Some good those racetracks did you!
(WHEELMAN increases his speed, placing himself directly under PIPEMAN.)
PIPEMAN: Shit!
(WHEELMAN jumps, breaking the pipe above and spilling portions of PIPEMAN out. WHEELMAN rolls his body against it, causing PIPEMAN's flesh to fly off from the high speed. PIPEMAN sucks the rest of itself further in to escape damage; it travels to a collection of pipes and uses its anomalous abilities to point them at WHEELMAN. PIPEMAN shoots portions of itself at WHEELMAN, who spins to deflect them.)
WHEELMAN: You know what the difference between us is, Pipeman?
PIPEMAN: That you suck.
(WHEELMAN slams into a mass of pipes.)
WHEELMAN: I didn't wish to be a Wheelman, or a Ballman. I was born this way. But you chose this life, you threw away everything you had to become Pipeman.
PIPEMAN: I became Pipeman because I had nothing left!
(WHEELMAN slams into a mass of pipes again.)
WHEELMAN: You were normal! You abandoned the real world, while I desperately clung to it… to whichever parts would accept me.
PIPEMAN: Like your fugly wife?
WHEELMAN: BE QUIET!
(WHEELMAN slams into the mass of pipes and spins rapidly, destroying them. He looks for any sign of PIPEMAN in the wreckage.)
PIPEMAN: Over here.
(PIPEMAN taunts WHEELMAN before sliding down a pipe. The other chases it along the length of the pipe; at the same time, PIPEMAN uses its anomalous abilities to create two walls of pipes on the sides of WHEELMAN's path, narrowing its direction.)
(PIPEMAN's pipe reaches a dead end. It disconnects the pipe from the dead end and faces WHEELMAN.)
WHEELMAN: Your stupidity ends here.
PIPEMAN: Guess again, finkrat. Take a look around you.
(WHEELMAN is situated within a large, round enclosure made of tightly packed pipes. The path behind him is sealed away by more pipes.)
WHEELMAN: What is this?
PIPEMAN: See, I knew my long body wouldn't be enough to beat you. So I had to think smart. Whenever I get pissed off at something, I chase after it and try to grab it and nrrgh, so I knew you'd do the same thing if I pushed your buttons.
(Pipes from above begin pouring large amounts of water into the enclosure.)
PIPEMAN: You may be moderately fast on land, but I doubt your wheel powers will do you much good underwater!
WHEELMAN: No, how can you… no!
(WHEELMAN attempts to slam through the walls, but fails due to the water impeding his speed.)
WHEELMAN: I'll kill you! I'll kill—
(WHEELMAN's voice is drowned out by the water. Due to the lighting of the basement, he is unable to be seen once fully submerged.)
PIPEMAN: Senorita, Wheelman.
(PIPEMAN travels back through the pipe.)
PIPEMAN: Now, to leave this fucking stinking pla—
(PIPEMAN's entire body flies out of an open pipe7 and falls to the floor.)
PIPEMAN: Ah… no… please, I'm a little baby. I'm undercooked, put me back in the oven. I'm not done, I'm undercooked. I'm not done.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Maintenance personnel later entered the basement and repaired all damages and modifications to the pipe network, before returning SCP-8205 to its containment.
POI-8205's body could not be found.