I can assure you that your taxes will be done correctly, and your account maintained with the utmost accuracy, courtesy, and security, with unbeatable professional service on the side!
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Info
"Certified Platypus Accountant" by
Mister_Toasty
⚠️ Content warning: This article contains multiple acts of comic violence towards an animal.
I have an Author Page!
Item Number: SCP-8042
Containment Class: Thaumiel
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8042 is currently contracted as a financial advisor and accountant for Wilson's Wildlife Solutions, and is to be given one month off work per year for its personal leisure. It simultaneously works alongside Foundation accountants as a freelance tax agent for various entities and Groups of Interest. Priority is to be given for high-risk anomalous entities.
Description: SCP-8042 is a sapient male Ornithorhynchus anatinus1, capable of instantaneous spatial and dimensional translocation, and is anomalously durable. It has an obsession with finances, and displays a manic desire to maintain them for any entity it encounters, to the point where it is willing to risk its own safety to achieve its goal. SCP-8042 possesses a photographic memory regarding taxation and finances, and is completely impervious to memetic hazards in this regard. SCP-8042 can also anomalously produce economic records for any entity it encounters, regardless of whether or not said entity has ever possessed any finances.
Whenever SCP-8042 engages an entity regarding its finances, anomalous or otherwise, it temporarily renders said entity indolent and docile, where it may remain in this state for a minimum of three hours. It is hypothesized that these effects are Reality Anchoring in nature, but as this has no effect on entities with long-term business relationships with a separate accountant, the data is inconclusive.
SCP-8042. Photographed by Wilson's Wildlife employee Charlotte Worth.
Discovery: During a routine inspection of Wilson's Wildlife Solutions, MTF Beta-4 (Castaways) encountered SCP-8042 inside an administrative office, working alongside several other accountants. Information regarding the entity was provided by WWS and supplemented by SCP-8042 itself during a later interaction (See Addendum-1). Due to its capabilities, it was initially registered as a Keter-class object; subsequent negotiations with WWS representatives and SCP-8042 have since altered its class to its current designation.
Addendum-1: An interaction with SCP-8042, conducted by Beta-4 Captain Natalia Szabo.
Szabo: So: you're a platypus.
SCP-8042: Yes ma'am: Joriah Shenandoah Cuthbert, eleven years old2, CPA3. "J.S." to my friends.
Szabo: That's…
SCP-8042: Certified Platypus Accountant. (SCP-8042 indicates its Master of Accounting and Taxation Degrees) What can I do for you?
Szabo: You…went to school for that?
SCP-8042: Yes ma'am, at the University of Melbourne.
Szabo: Can you verify this?
SCP-8042: Certainly, ma'am4.
Szabo: And…why did you go into accounting?
SCP-8042: Oh, because I love numbers, ma'am, and economic organization and record-keeping excites me. I guess it takes all kinds, huh? Wakk waak.
Szabo: I…see.
SCP-8042: Of course, my parents thought that I should just spend my life swimming around, eating larvae, worms, and shrimp like every other platypus, but I had a different goal in mind! I had ambitions! And look where I am now.
Szabo: (stammering) Y-yes. So you're one of Wilson's accountants.
SCP-8042: Not just their accountant, ma'am: their chief accountant! And I run a tight ship, too: clean, precise, accurate, and on the level. But that's only my side job. Otherwise, I'm strictly freelance.
Szabo: What do you mean?
SCP-8042: Tax season, ma'am, tax season! Let me tell you, it's the most stressful time of the year, wakk! You wouldn't believe the kinds of people I've ran into during that time period! The horror stories, wakk wakk, would make your gizzard churn. So many people wait until the last minute — and their taxes are either so far behind that they predate the Pyramids, or so sloppy that sometimes I just want to sit down and cry! That's why I have to take a whole month off after everything's over. Waaaaakk.
(silence. Captain Szabo appears stunned.)
SCP-8042: Yes, I know. It's disheartening, and yet so preventable! But I'm always willing to help people, because it's my job and I love it. Yes, yes, equal parts challenging and rewarding, wakk, though hardly ever gratifying. Not too many people like an accountant getting on their case.
Szabo: Wh-what… (Szabo pauses to drink from a flask.) What sorts of clients do you have, if you don't mind my asking?
SCP-8042: I don't mind, ma'am, though I can't divulge the state of their finances. I take confidentiality very seriously!
Szabo: Uh, of course, of course. I'd just like to…uh, see who you've assisted.
SCP-8042: I'd be glad to. Heh, I always like to round off a few of my high-profile clientele to — oh, shoot, I just forgot!
Szabo: What?
SCP-8042: I was supposed to meet some new clients today. Heh, I guess I lost track of time!
Szabo: New…clients?
SCP-8042: Yes. How do you think I stay in business, ma'am? By sitting on my keister? (laughs and quacks) Of course, I could just send them an email or call them, but I prefer the personal touch, you know? People like it when there's a face they can attach to the name! It really platypusizes the relationship! Tell you what — um, Byron? Charlotte? Does anyone—
(Byron McLeod, an employee of WWS, quickly enters the room.)
McLeod: Yes? Did someone say my name?
SCP-8042: Ah, glad I caught you! I have to go meet some clients for awhile. Would it be all right if Captain Szabo accompanies me?
McLeod: It's all right by me. We just need to check you out.
SCP-8042: Of course, of course. If you'll excuse me, ma'am: I won't be but a moment.
(McLeod assists SCP-8042 with the checkout process. Szabo notes that SCP-8042 has some difficulty writing with a pen.)
Szabo: So, um, how did you acquire this, uh… The services of this individual?
McLeod: Oh, (laughs) he just came in through the front door around early March last year, begging to do our taxes for us. The little fella was so persistent that we figured, "why not give him a chance?", and he's been with us ever since.
Szabo: (nods slowly) And do you have any records of where he was before that?
McLeod: Well, platypuses are native only to eastern Australia. As far as we know, he was swimming along merrily in some river until he started attending University. Oh, before I forget, would you mind doing me a favor? There's a carrying case in that refrigerator over there; it's got J.S.'s meals for the day. Could you take that with you, please?
Szabo: Uh, sure.
(Szabo opens the refrigerator and takes out a large cooler. Inside are packets full of various worms, centipedes, larva, and raw shellfish. Szabo cringes and immediately closes the cooler.)
McLeod: Thanks. Just make sure he eats every two hours, okay?
(SCP-8042 finishes checking out and approaches Szabo.)
SCP-8042: There, that wasn't so bad. You'll get to see me in action today, Captain Szabo! Our first destination is…give me just a moment… (It examines a cellular telephone.) The Orkney Islands!
Szabo: Um…all right. I'm guessing you have a…boat or airplane or…
SCP-8042: No, I hate riding in vehicles: it rattles me horribly and upsets my digestion. I have a much better way of getting there. If you'll just take my foot?
(Szabo hesitates.)
SCP-8042: Don't worry, I had my venom sacs surgically removed. Had to, after a handshake went…uh, particularly sour, shall we say.
(Szabo cautiously takes SCP-8042's foot, and is instantaneously transported to Sule Skerry, an island in the Orcadian archipelago. She becomes disoriented and confused.)
Szabo: What the…how did we…
SCP-8042: See? Much better than flying in a jet! Now where's my client? My sources say that they should be…ah!
(SCP-8042 waddles away from Szabo. She notices an SCP-3456 instance in the distance and immediately lays flat on the ground.)
Szabo: (hissing) Stop! What the hell do you think you're doing?! Do you have any idea what that thing is?!
SCP-8042: Of course I do, it's my new client.
Szabo: Like hell it is!
(SCP-8042 ignores her and continues to approach the SCP-3456 instance, quacking softly.)
SCP-8042: You're free to stay where you are, but I have an obligation to fulfill.
(Szabo curses to herself. She reaches into her breast pocket, removing a Foundation-made headpiece. She throws it to SCP-8042.)
Szabo: At least wear this. I want to hear this tax pitch of yours.
SCP-8042: Heh, you're in for a treat, then. (SCP-8042 retrieves the headpiece and affixes it in place.) Waak, this reminds me of my days as a service operator! All right, Captain, time to watch a professional in action!
Szabo: Just so you know, I'm not taking responsibility for this when you get killed, all right?
SCP-8042: Heh, I'll be fine. This is all in a day's work for me.
(SCP-8042 waddles closer to the SCP-3456 instance. It notices 8042 and approaches it rapidly)
Szabo: (whispering) Your funeral, pal. Damn, what am I gonna tell the folks at Wilson's?
SCP-8042: Greetings, sir! Um, or…ma'am? Which is it? Sir? Ma'am? Anyway—
(SCP-3456 immediately stomps on SCP-8042. Szabo is heard sighing. Suddenly, SCP-8042 springs up, seemingly unharmed.)
SCP-8042: Ow. I think there's been a misunderstanding, wak. I just want to do your taxes. Here's my ca—
(SCP-3456 stomps on SCP-8042 several more times. Eventually it gets back up.)
SCP-8042: M…my card, wak. (It holds up a business card.) My sources tell me that you, sir, are in need of — umm, it is "sir", isn't it?
(SCP-3456 picks SCP-8042 up and throws it at the equine section of its body, which begins chewing SCP-8042 viciously.)
SCP-8042: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! S-sir! M-ma'am! P-please stop for a minute! This is — ow — serious! Tax season is right around — ow, ow, ow — the corner, wak! And I can assure you — ow, ow — please let me down! Ow! Ow!
(SCP-3456 spits SCP-8042 out. It shakes itself.)
SCP-8042: Ah, thank you! As I was saying, I can assure you that your taxes will be done correctly, and your account maintained with the utmost accuracy, courtesy, and security, with unbeatable professional service on the side! What do you say?
(SCP-3456 screeches. Szabo is heard grunting in pain.)
SCP-8042: Wonderful! Now let me see… (SCP-8042 examines its cellular phone. After a few seconds, it emits a distressed cry.) Waaaak, wak-wak! According to my records, you've been unemployed your whole life! Oh dear, oh dearie me.
(SCP-3456 appears confused.)
SCP-8042: Are you sure you have no income to claim, sir? You may as well be honest with me, it's not my place to judge you. Do you have any social security to declare? What about temporary government assistance? Let's see… You fall under the HMR&C5, I could provide you with a—
(SCP-3456 picks SCP-8042 off the ground and begins clawing at it.)
SCP-8042: Wak! Wak! Wak! Wak! Sir, please, this isn't helping! I don't care if you're unemployed, or if your skin was flayed off and you're fused to a horse, you still need to do your taxes! Let me help you! I…I'll waive all charges!!
(SCP-8042 is thrown to the ground. It sighs and stands back up.)
SCP-8042: Ah, thank you. Now we're getting somewhere. Don't worry, I can probably find a homestead exemption for you, and your return might just zero out anyway. Of course, you will have to sign an authorization form…
(SCP-8042 continues to interact with the SCP-3456 instance, which has become docile.)
Szabo: (whispering) Son of a bitch.
(Thirty minutes pass. SCP-8042 presents an authorization form, which SCP-3456 signs using its own blood.)
SCP-8042: Thank you, sir! See, that wasn't so bad, was it? Just call me again when you find work and I'll help walk you through the rest! (SCP-3456 remains indolent as SCP-8042 waddles back to Szabo.) All right! On to the next one!
Note: The SCP-3456 instance remained stationary for five hours. Foundation observers described it as "appearing physically, mentally, and emotionally drained".
Location: an undisclosed city, inside a section quarantined by the Foundation.
SCP-8042: This is where my next client is. Let me just check my bearings for a second. (SCP-8042 produces its cellphone, muttering to itself as it studies.)
Szabo: So who's providing you with all these clients?
SCP-8042: Oh, you know: friends, current clients, word of mouth. Wak, sometimes my mother calls me and gives me leads. Ah, over there! (It points to a narrow street and waddles towards it. Two minutes later, a distinct barking can be heard.)
Szabo: Stop for a moment! (She produces a pair of binoculars and peers through them. Szabo later claimed she could see SCP-1111-2 in the distance; Foundation security drones in the area confirmed this.) Uh, would you mind if I hung back here and watched? I wouldn't want to interfere with your…work.
SCP-8042: Hehnk, good idea. I prefer to speak to my clients one-on-one anyway. Be back shortly!
(SCP-8042 approaches SCP-1111-2. As it comes within twenty meters of the entity, SCP-1111-1 intercepts it, barking loudly.)
SCP-8042: Hehhnkk, good doggie, nice doggie. I don't think I have any treats for — OWW!
(SCP-8042 wails loudly as SCP-1111-1 bites into it, shaking it violently.)
SCP-8042: WAAK, WAK-WAK-WAK! S-SIR! Could I interest you in — acck! Gaakk! Sir, please! I — could you please call off your dog, sir?! I want to talk about your financial future!!
(SCP-8042 continues to wail as it attempts to communicate with SCP-1111-2. SCP-1111-1 eventually throws it aside, where it slams into a nearby building and falls to the street. It groans and slowly stands up.)
SCP-8042: Captain, can you still hear me?
Szabo: Yep. Your client doesn't seem very interested in your proposal.
SCP-8042: Don't worry, this is all part of the job. I'm sure we can come to a compromise. (SCP-8042 clears its throat and waddles toward SCP-1111-2 again.) Sir, if I'm not mistaken, you appear to be deceased. Do you have a personal representative that I can—
(SCP-1111-1 attacks SCP-8042 again. It yells in pain until it's tossed aside.)
SCP-8042: Wa-waak, waak! (gasping) Ah…I take it this dog is your representative? N-not to worry, sir, I can — wakk — work around that. I'll just have to file a State Return…
(SCP-1111-1 attacks SCP-8042 again. SCP-1111-2 is seen gesturing while its lips move, mouthing the words "No, down boy." SCP-1111-1 continues attacking SCP-8042 for fifteen seconds before releasing it.)
SCP-8042: Wak! Wakk, waakk. (It shakes itself.) Sir, if you have any possessions of value, I'll need to file those. I assume they're going to The Estate of…ah, what is your dog's name, sir? Loyal? H-how appropri—
(SCP-1111-1 attacks SCP-8042 again. It finally pins SCP-8042 to the ground, growling sharply.)
SCP-8042: W-w-wak! D-do you have a trust? A will? Any way to divvy up your remaining income? Tax season's just around the corner, you know! I, I could get a few bankers or attorneys to help you out if you want! I, I take all forms of worms and larvae as payment — and crawfish, if you've got any.
(SCP-1111-1 clamps its teeth over SCP-8042's head, shaking it violently. SCP-1111-2 continues mouthing words.)
SCP-8042: (muffled) Sir, please! Your returns have to — ow, ow, ow — be filed within six months! Ack — otherwise, your representative won't be — ow — able to benefit from — WAAAK!!
(SCP-1111-2 mouths the words "Let him go". SCP-1111-1 releases SCP-8042.)
SCP-8042: Aah, thank you! (laughs nervously) N-nice doggie, good doggie… N-now, let me see if I can't get you removed from social security. Also, we'll need to protect your identity so other people don't go masquerading as you. Now where'd I put that form…?
(SCP-8042 continues interacting with SCP-1111-2 while 1111-1 remains docile. Foundation drones see Szabo shaking her head, covering it with her hand. After ninety minutes, SCP-8042 returns to Szabo.)
SCP-8042: Well, I admit that could have gone much better, but I think I have all the loose ends tied up. That gentleman can rest easy now. Hehnk, believe it or not, this isn't the first time I've had a pet as a beneficiary. Anyway, I'd say that's enough for today. What say we head on back to Wilson's and have an early dinner?
Szabo: As long as I don't have to eat anything out of that cooler.
SCP-8042: Hehnk, suit yourself! More for me, I suppose.
After concluding her affairs with WWS, Szabo reported her discovery to the Foundation. It was determined that further studies of SCP-8042 were necessary in order to fully understand its effects on anomalous entities. Due to her familiarity with the entity, Captain Szabo was selected to accompany SCP-8042 during its activities.
Location: North Sea, 330 km southeast of Faroe Island. Szabo is observing SCP-8042 via a Foundation drone security feed.
Date: 22nd September
(SCP-8042 is seen swimming out to sea.)
Szabo: Are you sure you wouldn't rather use a boat?
SCP-8042: Don't be silly, Captain: we platypuses are natural swimmers! Besides, I could use the exercise. All right, these are the coordinates. According to my insider information, this is the only time of year these clients are available. If I don't close this deal now, they won't be back until the spring, and then it'll be too late!
(SCP-8042 stops swimming and produces some paperwork as it waits.)
(An alarm sounds. Naval Task Force Delta-7 is put on alert.)
SCP-8042: Here they come!
(SCP-3700-1 rises from the sea. Delta-7 remains on standby. SCP-8042 produces a bullhorn from its fur.)
SCP-8042: Excuse me, sir! Or ma'am! Tax season is right around the corner, and I'm the perfect platypus to—
(SCP-3700-2 rises from the sea.)
SCP-8042: Oh, dear.
(The two entities immediately begin attacking each other. SCP-8042 is submerged during the attack. 3700-2 ensnares 3700-1, biting it and dragging it underwater. Seventeen seconds pass before both entities emerge, with SCP-8042 clinging to 3700-1's carapace.)
SCP-8042: I can see you're having a domestic dispute! I promise I won't take up much of your time! I…I just want to do your taxes!
(3700-2 bites 3700-1 again, consuming SCP-8042 in the process. 3700-1 clutches 3700-2's neck in its pincers and throttles it.)
Szabo: (sighs) I wonder if GRU Division "P" will take me back.
(SCP-8042's muffled voice is heard emitting from 3700-2.)
SCP-8042: You can file separately if you want! I don't mind! Do you two have children or offspring to consider? Multiple businesses, maybe? Are either of you planning on retiring?
(3700-1 smashes its pincer on 3700-2's head, forcing it to regurgitate SCP-8042. SCP-8042 is flung into the air and catches 3700-1's eye stalk as it flails.)
SCP-8042: Ma'am, I need to know if you've kept any receipts! I take it that — waak — you've done a lot of traveling? If it's a business expense, I need to know about it! I know this all sounds very complicated, but—
(3700-2 emits blue fire onto 3700-1 and SCP-8042. Both entities screech in pain.)
SCP-8042: Waak, would you please calm down for a second, sir?! I'm here to help you! Your accounts will be maintained with the utmost accuracy, courtesy, and securi—
(3700-1's eyes emit waves of gamma radiation, forcing 3700-2 to release its grip. It strikes 3700-2 several times with its pincers, flinging SCP-8042 away. Maelstroms form, drawing SCP-8042 under. It does not emerge for four minutes. After reorienting itself, SCP-8042 paddles over to 3700-2 and clings on as 3700-1 tackles it.)
SCP-8042: Sir, ma'am, if you don't file your taxes, a revenue notice is sent! Penalties and interests occur every thirty days! If there's an issue, or you forgot something, your return could be rejected! I know you don't want that, waak!
(Both entities stop fighting. SCP-8042 catches its breath.)
SCP-8042: Ah, thank you! Goodness sakes! Now: let's get your files pulled up here. I'm pretty sure I saw some cargo ships attached to your bodies, so don't tell me you don't have anything to declare. Also, considering the nature of your, uh, relationship, is it safe to assume you two have health insurance?
(Both entities groan softly.)
SCP-8042: Ah, wonderful! While I'm pulling all this up, why don't you produce some of those receipts? And you may as well include any dependents, and any sort of contribution towards your retirement. It's all reportable!
(3700-2 roars quietly.)
SCP-8042: Now-now, don't worry, my rates are fair, and if you'll cooperate, I think you'll find yourself done in no time.
(SCP-8042 continues negotiating with the SCP-3700 instances.)
Szabo: Delta-7, are you getting all this?
Delta-7: Roger that. Seeing. Having trouble believing.
Szabo: So it's not just me.
Delta-7: No comment, Captain. Awaiting further orders from base.
(Two hours pass before SCP-8042 finishes. Both SCP-3700 instances submerge without concluding their confrontation. SCP-8042 begins swimming back to the mainland.)
SCP-8042: Aaah, a job well done! I don't know about you, Captain, but I could use a break! How about I take you out to lunch? My treat.
Szabo: Do I even dare ask what you have in mind?
SCP-8042: Wak, I mean a restaurant!
Szabo: Oh. Wait: you mean you…go out to eat at restaurants?
SCP-8042: Only when I'm with a client. Wak, or if I want something a little fancier than what Wilson's provides!
(silence)
Szabo: And nobody in the restaurant thinks it's strange when a talking platypus walks up to them?
SCP-8042: (laugh-quacks) Captain, I'm not a fool. I only head out to the restaurants that Wilson's Wildlife approves of. Hehnk! Regular establishments just don't cater to platypuses like me. Trust me, I know a good place.
Szabo: All right, as long as you're buying.
Location: Fifteen meters away from the entrance to SCP-6001. Captain Szabo is seated at a nearby observation post.
Date: 18th November
(Remote Foundation security feeds show SCP-8042 approaching the entrance to SCP-6001 and de-materializing. It re-materializes half an hour later, appearing distressed.)
Szabo: That was quick. Did they sign up?
SCP-8042: Waak, waak, waaak! What a complete nightmare. Can you believe they don't even have taxes there? I mean, they know what they are, they just don't use them! What kind of cruel, sick place does that? Ha! I waddled my webbed feet out of there as quickly as I could!
(Szabo snickers to herself as SCP-8042 approaches her, sits down, and sighs.)
Szabo: "Making a hell out of heaven or a heaven out of hell…"
SCP-8042: Hehnk? What's that?
Szabo: Nothing. How many more clients do you have?
SCP-8042: Just one more this week, and it's a big one. (It laughs proudly.) I don't just do taxes for individuals and couples, Captain. Oh, no: I even work for corporations!
Szabo: Really? Any I might know of?
(SCP-8042 puffs its chest out, slapping it with a webbed foot.)
SCP-8042: Marshall, Carter, & Dark for one!
(Szabo's eyes widen.)
Szabo: Are you serious? You do accounting for MC&D?
SCP-8042: Yes, or at least I used to. They wanted someone to work year-round for them, but my contract with Wilson's forbids that. Still, they were very courteous and professional, and we parted on good terms.
Szabo: (whistles) Color me impressed.
SCP-8042: I've also done taxes for IKEA, or at least one of their stores. Boy, what a stubborn lot they were!
(Szabo turns pale.)
Szabo: You've…done taxes for IKEA.
SCP-8042: Hmm, yes, and I almost regret it. Terrible communication during the daytime, and violence during the night! I managed to score a few private clients the last time I was in their store, though. Had to promise them I'd get them out, which was odd, but…a client is a client!6
Szabo: (muttering) Of course you do taxes for 3008, why wouldn't you?
SCP-8042: Hehnk? What's that?
Szabo: Never mind. So who will you be seeing next?
SCP-8042: A Mr. Wondertainment — wak, or is it Ms. Wondertainment? The instructions were a bit unusual.
Szabo: (grumbles) Fantastic.
Location: directly in front of a Wondertainment, Co. Factory
Date: 20th November
(Dr. Wondertainment is carefully reading a document. He is currently male.)
Wondertainment: Hmm, yes, yes, I see, yes, hmm. Taxes, you say? Accounting, is it?
SCP-8042: Yes. You seem to be in need of someone who can keep your financial affairs in order, and tax season's right around the corner!
Wondertainment: Ho, ho, yes, they are a bother and a nuisance. Keeping track of all my profits and losses, net gains, the cost of my goods, the transaction data…
SCP-8042: Not to mention the dividends, the taxable interest from loans, all your stocks, the adjusted journal entries every month, the use-in-excise files… Oh, and employee healthcare provisions!
Wondertainment: Yes, yes, and on top of all that, I have to worry about the federal returns on all my territories! If you think going international with my business is stressful enough, imagine going multiversal! Oh, and all the partnership returns I have to file! Some of them, I don't even think I could describe, much less file a relevant form for!
SCP-8042: Frankly, it's more stress than you deserve, sir.
Wondertainment:Yes, I'd love nothing more than to wave my hand and send all that flying away in a puff of smoke, but even I must follow a few rules! Tax season is the one time of year that I must take seriously. Very painful, yes, quite embarrassing—and yet you say you'd take that proverbial bullet for me?
SCP-8042: With a smile, my good doctor.
Wondertainment: Ah, indeed, and platypuses are remarkable accountants, or so I've been told. The last individual I trusted with my taxes was a lizard, but he didn't… Well, to put it politely, he didn't have a sense of humor.
SCP-8042: Well I love a good joke, wak-wak.
Wondertainment: Is that so? (Wondertainment smiles, twirling his mustache.) Well then, how about a proposition? I'll agree to hire you on as an accountant, if!!!
(He pauses dramatically.)
Wondertainment: You agree to my terms.
SCP-8042: And what are your terms?
Wondertainment: You must accomplish thr-r-r-r-r-r-ree tasks for me, to prove that you have a sense of humor! First, I want you to walk through that door and out the other side. (He indicates the entrance to his factory.)
SCP-8042: That's it?
Wondertainment: Yes. That's it. Oh, and you have to survive the ordeal. Naturally.
SCP-8042: Hahnk! This'll be easy! (It waddles up to the door.)
Szabo: All right, have fun. I think I'll take the long way around.
Wondertainment: Oh no, my dear: you're going with him!
SCP-8042: Wakk?
Szabo: What?! Wait: he's the one who wants to do your taxes; I'm just following along to keep track of him.
Wondertainment: Ah, so his health and safety is a concern of yours?
Szabo: (stammers) Well, I…it…I mean you… The relationship between Wilson's and the Foundation would—
Wondertainment: Then perhaps you should continue to monitor him, yes? You wouldn't want my relationship with the Foundation to suffer, either, would you?
(Szabo continues to stammer as she glances between Wondertainment and SCP-8042. Finally she throws her arms up in resignation.)
Szabo: Fine, have it your way. So we just go through that door and out the other side.
Wondertainment: That is correct, my dear. (He chuckles grimly.)
Szabo: (sighs) All right. Lead the way, Cuthbert.
(Szabo and SCP-8042 enter the factory together. They find themselves in a colorful reception area.)
Szabo: Well, at least it's well-lit.
(Suddenly, all the lights go out. Szabo sighs.)
Szabo: I fully deserve that.
(She produces a flashlight, and the two make it through the reception area. They soon find a hallway branching off in two directions. On the right is a brightly-lit sign reading "SEKRIT [sic] EXIT! Totally safe! (trust me!)". The left sign is adorned with a plastic skeleton draped over it, and reads "DANGER! Deadly lazors [sic] ahead! 100% chance of mutilation!")
SCP-8042: Ha! See? We're almost out of here! (It waddles to the right path.)
Szabo: No, wait. (She points to the left path.) We go down here.
SCP-8042: B-but it says—
Szabo: Trust me, Cuthbert: this is Wondertainment we're talking about.
(SCP-8042 hesitates. Szabo produces a dummy grenade from her belt and throws it down the right path. It bounces on the floor once before a hidden panel opens and a stream of flames incinerate it.)
Szabo: See? Down here.
SCP-8042: W-well, if you're certain, captain.
(They take two steps down the left path before a trap door opens beneath them. Wondertainment is heard laughing over the P.A. system as they fall.)
Wondertainment: Hahahahahahaaa! SECRET THIRD OPTION!!
(Szabo and SCP-8042 fall down a chute and land on top of a large mass.)
Szabo: Ow. Ugh, I guess had that coming to me. Well-played, doctor. You okay, Cuthbert?
SCP-8042: Wak, just some ruffled fur. Nothing a mouthful of wriggling shrimp can't fix! Hehnk, where are we?
Szabo: No idea. Damn, I lost my flashlight while we were falling. I don't suppose the doctor would be willing to turn the lights back—
(Suddenly the lights come back on. Szabo and SCP-8042 look down, discovering they have landed on a large red entity. It roars, flailing countless appendages. Szabo and SCP-8042 yell in surprise and fall off.)
Wondertainment: OH MY GOD, IT'S A MONSTER! WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?!
(SCP-8042 panics and tries running away. Szabo holds her ground and produces her sidearm. She fires four shots at the entity. It falls over, but quickly gets back up.)
Szabo: (sighs) I don't know why I thought that would work.
(The entity wraps one of its appendages around SCP-8042, squeezing it. Another disarms Szabo. She rolls out of the way and produces a live grenade.)
Szabo: Cuthbert! Fire in the hole!
(The entity wraps an appendage around Szabo's arm, preventing her from using the grenade. A second appendage wraps around her waist. She attempts to free herself.)
Szabo: Augh! Damn it! Why is it so sticky?!
(Her eyes suddenly widen in realization.)
Szabo: Oh. I get it.
(She reaches into her belt, producing a serrated knife, and cuts herself loose. Szabo quickly rolls under another appendage and frees SCP-8042. Two appendages pin her to the floor, causing her to drop her knife.)
Szabo: Hey! Cuthbert! A little help here?
SCP-8042: W-wakk, but I hate violence! I'm an accountant, not a fighter.
Szabo: JUST DO IT, YOU PIECE OF—
(An appendage wraps around her head. SCP-8042 cringes as it takes the knife and quickly cuts Szabo loose. It eagerly hands the knife back.)
Szabo: Thanks. Watch it!
(Another appendage snaps at them; Szabo and SCP-8042 dive for cover. Szabo grabs SCP-8042 and hurls it at the entity, where it becomes stuck. She uses this distraction to charge at the entity, plunging her knife into it and cutting diagonally. The entity roars and flails in pain. Szabo peels SCP-8042 off and stands back as the entity rolls around, finally collapsing and laying still. They take a moment to catch their breath.)
SCP-8042: Ca…captain, that was…that was marvelous! How did you…
Szabo: Simple. (She approaches the motionless entity and nudges it with her foot.) It's red tape. You literally cut through it.
(SCP-8042 laugh-quacks as they find an exit and make their way back outside, where Dr. Wondertainment awaits them. She is currently female.)
Wondertainment: Ah, well-done, well-done, both of you! I hope it wasn't too rough for you in there? Of course, you could have just taken the long way around.
(Szabo glares at her.)
Wondertainment: Kidding, kidding! (laughs nervously) And now, for your final task! You must prove to me that—
SCP-8042: Wakk, but didn't you say you had three tasks for us?
Wondertainment: Well, yes, but the so-called "Rule of Thr-r-r-r-r-ree" is so banal! So stale! So…ugh, predictable! Nobody expects to only have two tasks to complete! Besides, all this talk about taxes and finances has exhausted me. I may just shut down early today so I can relax.
Szabo: Fair enough. What do you want us to do?
Wondertainment: Behold! (She removes her hat, firing off several sparklers from it.) You must prove to me that your wits are as sharp as your sword! Answer my — oh, hold on a second. (Wondertainment quickly stomps out a stray sparkler.) Sorry! Answer my riddle and my services are yours—or is it "your services are mine"?
Szabo: So we just need to answer one riddle and we're done?
Wondertainment: Correct!
SCP-8042: Wak, I'm ready!
Wondertainment: Good! Ahem: "When stormclouds gather and raindrops fall, you'll be glad you have this fella; but don't name it anything mundane at all, no! Don't call it an umbrella!" What is it?
(SCP-8042 mutters quietly to itself.)
Szabo: Do you want me to help?
SCP-8042: No, I want to do it myself! You took the last one, now I want to give this one a try.
(It continues to mutter to itself. Szabo shrugs at Wondertainment. She types a word on her cell phone and presents it to Wondertainment, who winks and places a finger on her lips.)7
Szabo: Hey, if you don't need me for anything else, do you mind if I call it a day? I'd like to report back to base and…find a good tavern to self-amnesticize in while I wonder what I'm doing with my life.
SCP-8042: Don't you want me to take you back?
Szabo: I'll call up Zeta-158, they owe me a favor.
SCP-8042: Oh. Well, if you're sure…
Szabo: I am very positive.
SCP-8042: Wak, all right. And be sure to put in a good word for me with the Foundation! I've been wanting to do their taxes for years now!
Szabo: Oh, I'm sure they'll arrange something.
SCP-8042: Thanks, Captain. You'd really be doing me a favor! Hehnk, now…I'm pretty sure it's not a parasol…hmm…
(Szabo looks at SCP-8042 one more time before bidding Wondertainment farewell. The doctor tips her hat and bows as SCP-8042 continues trying to solve the riddle.)
Addendum-2: Following Captain Szabo's report, SCP-8042 was contacted by the Foundation, who made an arrangement with Wilson's Wildlife to acquire its services on an as-needed basis. Captain Szabo was given a week's paid leave as compensation.
Addendum-3: Two weeks after receiving Captain Szabo's report, Foundation astronomers detected an object passing beyond Mercury's orbit approaching the sun. SCP-179 was observed waking up from its stasis, and appeared puzzled as the object approached it. Sounds of faint, mechanical breathing could be heard from the object as it drew closer to SCP-179. The object then sent a transmission, which was recorded:
Object: Pardonnez-moi, madame. Parles-tu Anglais? Mon Français est terrible!
(SCP-179 is seen mouthing words in French and English.)
Object: Ah, good! Can I interest you and… (A pause. The object glances at the sun.) …your brother in a financial representative? According to my information, your social security has ended and you're no longer receiving life insurance. Don't worry: taxes are quite minimal for people in your age bracket; I'll just need you to fill out a POA file. Do either of you have a trust or savings? Is your brother in your will?
(SCP-179 blinks, appearing confused.)
Object: I wouldn't put it off any longer than necessary, ma'am! After all, la saison des impôts approche à grands pas!9
