SCP-7806 Blu-Ray insert.
Special Containment Procedures
Three copies of SCP-7806 are kept in Low-Yield Storage Facility 1 at Site-43. No attempts to acquire further copies are to be made at this time. Staff are permitted to view SCP-7806 for research purposes. Requests for recreational access must be denied, and promptly reported to the Ethics Committee.
Description
SCP-7806 is a Blu-Ray box set compiling episodes of Ali's Knees, an unaired television program purportedly dedicated to filming the knees of Swedish actress Alicia Amanda Vikander in widescreen closeup. Footage focuses on Vikander's knees exclusively. Each episode is twenty-four hours in length, and covers one full day in its protagonist's life at an unspecified date. Each copy of SCP-7806 displays Vikander's knees from a different angle. The angle will occasionally shift, and digital editing is occasionally in evidence, apparently to prevent anything other than Vikander's knees from appearing in the frame. Once the viewer has witnessed a full episode, they are required to insert the next disc into their machine to resume playback; any footage which would have been presented during the time required to perform this action will be missed. Once the full set of discs has been exhausted, the viewer is presented with a 1-800 telephone number for use in ordering the next 'season'. Each season is equivalent to one calendar month.
Two attempts have been made to call the provided number. The first returned a busy signal, and the second was blocked.
Due to the tight focus, video editing, and uncertain date, confirmation of the subject's identity is impossible. No concealed cameras have been discovered in Vikander's presence, and she is unaware of the existence of this program.
Discovery
Three copies of SCP-7806 and a 'burner' cellphone were recovered during a raid of an anomalous media shop in Lincoln, Nebraska on 8 October 2022. The phone contained text message records apparently representing the negotiations which resulted in SCP-7806's creation. A full transcript is provided below.
Mari McPhaerson calling dado! We at Vikander-Kneed Technical Media are overjoyed to hear from you again.
right
okay
you are receiving dado demand for make recompense after disastrous very bad first deal, yes
Can't say I agree with that characterization, fella, but we sure did get your request! I'll need a little clarification before we can proceed, though.
dado has already explained this
dado talked to the moose
Well that's great, and very progressive of you I might add, but you must have misunderstood our complaints directory. You should have selected "human operator." The moose operator is strictly for moose complaints. Nobody in the human complaints department speaks moose, and all I've got here is a complaint in moose-speak.
okay
weird but okay
dado is demand new media product of dados choosing as recompsen
recompnse
compensation
You want us to make more media for you?! Well, why didn't you say so! We're very excited to be partnering with your fine financial figure once more.
no
no partners
u make media, dado sell
no partners
I see.
You're asking us to produce a media program, and then sign away the rights to you?
yes
dado demands exclusive vikanders knees media project
You know, I think we've got just the thing? I bet you'll be really pleased with how this turns out.
wait
dado has instructions for media
hello
hello
Despite the apparent commercial intent behind this conversation, and its obvious results, there is no indication that dado ever attempted to sell SCP-7806. McPhaerson eventually resumed contact to determine the reason; these records were also recovered at the scene.
Howdy, partner!
not partners
Wow. We brought a beautiful media baby into the world together, and it all meant nothing to you? That's really hurtful, man.
what u want
It's like we don't even know each other anymore. You've been so distant! For example: you never put Ali's Knees on the open marketplace of ideas, where it could grow and flourish into a pillar of global media. Now I have to ask — even though the thought is patently ridiculous, it's right here in the script I got from our lawyers — are you in some way dissatisfied with our product?
no
is that all
u there
Sorry, you're not upset about Ali's Knees? Not at all? Obviously the content is unimpeachable, but we thought maybe you didn't like the box art, or the title. We considered calling it da Ali's Knees do, but almost nobody in the office thought the gag was landing. It played well with the moose audience, though. I think.
whatever
whatever
Just to be clear: you do still plan to release this program to the teeming masses, right?
no
I don't understand.
k
Alright, well, I have to come clean. Those aren't Alicia Vikander's knees at all.
They're my knees.
Are you watching? I'll move them.
I moved them.
Were you watching?
dado is satisfied with arrangement
You're just going to sit on an entire warehouse of knee photography?
dado is satisfied
Call records show that the phone was also used, twice, to call the 1-800 number appearing at the end of each season of SCP-7806.
Update: On 13 November 2022, each copy of SCP-7806 in Foundation possession was spontaneously altered via unknown means. The program is now entitled Moosonee, and consists of realtime footage of the eponymous Canadian town from a static position high above the Moose River. Each episode begins with an unexplicated title card:
SCP-7806 title card.
Further updates to this file are pending, as largely unsuccessful attempts to sell the first forty-seven seasons of SCP-7806 have subsequently flooded the open market.
