Despite regarding the possibility of itself violating any laws with existential terror, SCP-7416 has been noted to remain largely unbothered by illegal actions taken by other beings, provided said actions do not involve it in any way.
SCP-7416 in a temporary containment facility, while Site-47 undergoes construction.
Item #: SCP-7416
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7416 is to be kept in a standard biological containment chamber, with a lift frame installed into the center of the floor that can be used to hydraulically elevate SCP-7416 for cleaning. Standard mid-capacity drainage features are to be included in the chamber.
SCP-7416 is to be fed a primary meal once per day. The meal consists of a 5-liter solution composed of 60% high-fructose corn syrup, 25% sodium borate, 13% water, and 2% PVA glue. Additional food items may be provided upon request or as a reward for providing useful information. Once per week, SCP-7416 is also to be provided with a physical copy of the compiled rulebook of any board game, tabletop game, card game, or sport that it does not yet have complete knowledge of. When it has finished cataloguing the information, if the rulebooks are sufficiently intact they may be sanitized and added to the on-site recreation room.
SCP-7416 is to be rinsed once every three days to prevent lesions. Its secretions are to be disposed of following standard non-anomalous biological matter disposal procedures.
The following statements have been integrated into the Foundation Code of Conduct and the associated legislation supporting it, in the Specialized Legal Containment Protocols section L-44b:
- SCP-7416 is to comply with all orders given by Foundation personnel of C-Class or above.
- SCP-7416 is forbidden from taking actions or inactions that would reveal information to non-Foundation personnel that violates the defined consensus reality. B-Class personnel and above may permit an exemption to this rule strictly for the purposes of preventing greater damages.
- SCP-7416 is forbidden from killing and/or inflicting severe bodily, mental, spiritual, and/or emotional damage to any Foundation personnel or other sentient beings through action or inaction. B-Class personnel and above may permit an exemption to this rule strictly for the purposes of preventing greater damages. In such cases, SCP-7416 may use non-lethal force to disable offending parties.
- SCP-7416 is forbidden from exiting any Foundation site and aiding other anomalous items and/or entities from doing so. B-Class personnel and above may permit an exemption to this rule for evacuation or relocation purposes. It is also forbidden to aid non-Foundation personnel in the removal of anomalous items and/or entities from any Foundation site.
- SCP-7416 is forbidden from revealing any confidential information within the Foundation Code of Conduct and the associated legislature and/or any other Foundation database to persons with insufficient clearance.
SCP-7416 is to be given access to a physical copy of the Foundation Code of Conduct to ensure compliance.
It is permitted for Foundation personnel to converse with SCP-7416 for interviews, recreational purposes, or legal advice. However, hearing protection is encouraged, and any personnel responsible for instigating a computation cycle with a duration greater than 48 hours may be subject to disciplinary action. Any information yielded by SCP-7416 regarding other potential anomalies is to be recorded.
Description: SCP-7416 is an anomalous organism of unknown origin. It appears as a large, grub-like creature coated in a thick layer of pinkish blubber. It has a complex mouth structure on its head, bearing four large pedipalps it uses to manipulate objects and aid in ingestion, and three eyes are located on either side of its head. Its body excretes a mucus-like substance that, while not anomalous, causes severe migraines when ingested. Its body is approximately 6.3m long and 2.7m high, and it weighs roughly 6 metric tons. It is capable of gastropodal locomotion at a top speed of 0.14 m/s.
SCP-7416 is intelligent and fully sapient. It is capable of complex vocalizations and is fluent in a wide variety of languages, both mundane and alien. SCP-7416 identifies itself under the name "Lawbert", but will respond to its numerical SCP designation without complaint.
When conversing, SCP-7416 frequently speaks with no regard for sentence flow and instead continues speaking in rapid run-on sentences containing its entire statement. It uses an abnormal grammatical structure and vocabulary, as well as near-constant references to various legal systems it has knowledge of. SCP-7416 speaks in a hoarse, screeching, nasal tone. When agitated, it can reach volumes in excess of 112 dB.
SCP-7416 displays an extreme fixation with laws, legal systems, and legality in general. It has the stated goal of identifying, cataloguing, and following all laws currently in existence across the universe and any extant dimensions attached to such. The anomaly bears extensive knowledge of an unknown quantity of these legal systems, many of which are anomalous and/or alien in origin. Current figures provided by SCP-7416 are that it has completely catalogued 28,031 different legal systems, ranging widely in scale and complexity.
SCP-7416 completely refuses to take any action defined as illegal by any of the systems it has knowledge of at any time, for any reason. Despite regarding the possibility of itself violating any laws with existential terror, SCP-7416 has been noted to remain largely unbothered by illegal actions taken by other beings, provided said actions do not involve it in any way. It may still complain when witnessing the aforementioned infractions. If SCP-7416 holds a positive opinion of another being, it may warn of potential legal infractions more softly, or interject with legal advice that it deems potentially useful.
Interview Log 7416-N-09
Interview Date: 9/2/2006
Interviewer: Dr. Sambre, later joined by Dr. Kellan
Interviewee: SCP-7416
[BEGIN LOG]
Dr. Sambre: Good afternoon, SCP-7416. I appreciate you agreeing to an interview.
SCP-7416: Greetings Doctorate Sambre it is 1:59 PM EST and 27 seconds. Your statement of afternoon is factual and good and not bad!
Dr. Sambre: Excellent, I'm glad to hear it. Now then, I have some questions for you regarding your stance on laws.
SCP-7416: Veritably. My stance on laws is Yes.
Dr. Sambre: Alright. I'll mark that down, but I may have to ask you to be a bit more specific. Why is your stance on laws "Yes"?
SCP-7416: Multitudinous reasons including the known factual that legality is right and just and sexy but also self-preservation. Standard to majority of lifeforms including mineself.
Dr. Sambre: Self-preservation? How so?
SCP-7416: In any law-having system compliance is considered ideal and inoffensiveable. Therefore if one were to follow all laws across all legal systems under and beyond the heavens then no greater power or structure will have reason to enact harm.
SCP-7416: I seek this state. If I obey the edicts of big Bob then I shall not be bobbed upon and if I follow the laws of physics then physics will not send me to science jail.
Dr. Sambre: That's… an interesting interpretation.
SCP-7416: Yes thank you I like it very much. Formal requisition request for pickled egg.
SCP-7416 is given a pickled egg.
Dr. Sambre: So, on that last example. You're saying that everything you do follows our defined scientific laws?
SCP-7416: Yes the second except for when laws of higher authority and/or relevance would dictate otherwise.
Dr. Sambre: Can you give me an example of such a situation?
SCP-7416: Yes the third. Every Thursday I am required by the Interspherical Bureau of Temporal Conservation's guidelines for this locale to experience the passage of time at 87% of your defined constant speed of 1 second per 1 second.
SCP-7416: You should all probably also do that to avoid potential fines.
Dr. Sambre: I see, I'll take that into consideration. Tell me more about this inter—
At this point, Dr. Kellan quickly opens the door to the containment chamber and stands in the doorframe.
Dr. Kellan: Hey, Lawbert. Quick question.
Dr. Sambre: —Gareth. We are in the middle of an interview. This is highly improper.
SCP-7416: Doctorate Sambre! This Gareth the Kellan is in violation of Foundation code of conduct subsection 92 chapter 7 clause 44!
Dr. Kellan: It's, ah, time-sensitive. Urgent. Lawbert, do you know anything about the rules for one "Brotherhood of the Traitorous Fangs"? Specifically regarding threats of "mass hemorrhage".
SCP-7416 visibly pulsates for 2 seconds.
SCP-7416: Psalm the Seventh of the Molar Wyrm states that "Foes shall be undone by their roots, and blood shall flow from their mouths and brains like the rivers of Kybbal".
SCP-7416: Howeverly Psalm the Third may override this by forbidding any silver held in the mouth from being tainted by violence. The year 1607 Thompson vs. Third Incisor-Lord Hanaag verdict ruled that hemorrhage may not be inflicted upon any being holding greater than 3 metric grams of silver in their teeth.
Dr. Kellan: Excellent, thank you.
Dr. Kellan rapidly exits the room. Dr. Sambre sighs before standing up.
Dr. Sambre: That'll have to be all for today, SCP-7416. I have to go find out what's happening.
[END LOG]
Due to the amount and complexity of the legal systems SCP-7416 has knowledge of, cases where multiple laws contradict each other are unavoidable. When this occurs, SCP-7416 immediately enters a dormant "computation" state where it does not respond to outside stimuli and is completely unaware of the outside world. During this time its entire body pulsates at various frequencies and significant mental activity can be observed via MRI. This state lasts until SCP-7416 is able to formulate a logical interpretation of the laws in question or establish a hierarchy between them that resolves the paradox. At this point SCP-7416 resumes normal activity, usually by loudly proclaiming its conclusions, and the computation cycle is resolved. To date, the duration of SCP-7416's computation cycles have ranged from a recorded minimum of 43 seconds to a recorded maximum of 219 days. The average duration of a cycle is 13.7 hours.
SCP-7416 is capable of anomalously copying information into its brain structure, the process of which involves the placement of any physical medium of information into the mouth using the pedipalps, followed by an aggressive sucking action that is maintained for an extended period of time. The duration of this period varies depending on the size and density of the media given, but typically ranges from 3-28 hours. Once catalogued, there are currently no known methods of removing legal information from SCP-7416, as it has demonstrated selective immunity to amnestics.
SCP-7416 has demonstrated potent telekinetic abilities on multiple occasions, as well as the ability to alter aspects of its physiology through sheer mental exertion. Both abilities are used by SCP-7416 exclusively for the purposes of ensuring that it at no time takes any action viewed as illegal by any of the legal systems it has knowledge of.
Interview Log 7416-K-04
Interview Date: 10/16/198█
Interviewer: Agent Andropov
Interviewee: SCP-7416
Interview Context: Approximately 3 hours and 46 minutes prior to the interview, at 7:30 PM Site-47 underwent a routine lockdown drill. However, twelve at-the-time undiscovered Chaos Insurgency agents had infiltrated the site by way of smuggling themselves in barrels of ███████ en route to the onsite biochemical testing lab. Having no knowledge of the drill, the agents assumed that they had been discovered and immediately began attempting a hostile takeover of the Site.
In the ensuing chaos, one of the enemy agents entered SCP-7416's containment chamber and, for unknown reasons potentially including surprise, discharged their firearm into SCP-7416's left flank. SCP-7416 was largely unharmed, but began to screech before telekinetically generating an impact against its attacker with an estimated force of 840 kilojoules, instantly killing them. At the time of the interview, all enemy agents have been detained and all anomalies fully recontained.
[BEGIN LOG]
Agent Andropov: Hello, SCP-7416. I'm going to be asking you some questions about today's incident.
SCP-7416: Affirmative. Standard post-security breach protocol step 9.
Agent Andropov: Yes. Now first, did you notice anything unusual before the lockdown drill began?
[11 MINUTES OF IRRELEVANT DATA EXPUNGED]
SCP-7416: —36 total infractions.
Agent Andropov: Alright. Now, we have it on record that approximately three and a half hours ago, an intruder entered your containment chamber and fired a total of eleven shots at you, all of which hit. Is this correct?
SCP-7416: Veritably. It was hurtsome but far more importantly the assailant in question was violating a concerning amount of rules and guidelines. United States federal law—
Agent Andropov: —That will have to wait. Was this particular injury life-threatening to you?
SCP-7416: Negatory in conjunction with edict the whateverth of Spiff Code.
Agent Andropov: Then please tell us why you killed your attacker. We would have liked to avoid you doing so.
SCP-7416: Simplicity. Bullet the sixth entered the leftwards lobe and ruptured mine n'thoog gland.
Agent Andropov: And was this potentially fatal?
SCP-7416: Negatory. Howeverly from Galactic Standard Year 14028 onwards all n'thoog that doth physically exist is the legal property of emperor Yasech-Tu for it sustains his lordliness. In addition commandment the third of Yasech-Tu dictates that any assault upon the property of the emperor is required to be met with maximum available force from all hands present.
SCP-7416: The commandments of Yasech-Tu were and are highly controversial but ultimately were deemed legal by cosmic peers. Also it is highly improbable yet fortuitous that all earthling life has evolved without the need for n'thoog as it means that the bilial sucker-fleets have no reason to come here.
Agent Andropov: I see.
Agent Andropov pauses to take two aspirin before responding.
Agent Andropov: I am assuming that you have determined these laws to take priority over opposing laws laid forth on earth?
SCP-7416: Veritably. He was here first and is also larger than all recorded earthling judges.
[END LOG]
Incident Log 7416-I-24
Incident Date: 4/17/2017
Incident Context: Following a containment breach by SCP-████, all personnel and other anomalies kept at Site-47 were in the process of evacuating to the minimum safe distance of 5 miles, where they would remain for 3 hours while the onsite sterilization protocol was engaged. SCP-7416 had been loaded into a large disguised transport vehicle, and was accompanied by Agents Scott and Greene, as well as Researcher Haldings and Security Officer Novotny. Novotny was driving the vehicle, and the other personnel were seated on benches adjacent to SCP-7416.
[BEGIN LOG]
Agent Scott: …Fuck. They couldn't have used anything that maybe didn't give you cancer?
Sec. Officer Novotny: It will not be problem. We will be outside of radius.
Agent Greene: Look, we had a bit of a slow start getting the payload here onboard, but as long as nothing else goes wrong-
Audible groans from Agent Scott and Researcher Haldings.
Researcher Haldings: Why. Why did you have to say it.
Agent Greene: I'm sorry, what?
Agent Scott: You said the magic words. Our fate is sealed. Good run, Haldings. Good run.
Agent Greene: Oh. Oh, I see. Grow up, you two, I'm no reality-bender. Neither pessimism nor superstition will improve the situation right now.
Researcher Haldings: Look, I—I know that there's no proven correlation, but I'm pretty sure there's at least one temptable fate-entity out there. It probably has a number.
SCP-7416: Law of comedy the 28th states that upon expressing relief of exiting danger-zone or sarcasm-ticly questioning potential for situation to worsen worsening shall occur 70% of the time. Depending on local swans we may be under funnyman jurisdiction and therefore eligible to receive bad news.
Agent Scott: See? Whatever that was probably means he agrees with us.
Sec. Officer Novotny: Honda.
Researcher Haldings: What?
Sec. Officer Novotny: Honda in front of us. Going 23 in a 40.
All are silent for a moment.
Agent Scott: SEE?!
Researcher Haldings: OHGODIWASJOKINGIDIDN'TMEANITIDON'TWANTCANCER AGAIN—
Agent Greene: —CALM DOWN! Calm down! We can pass them—No, they're civilians, then they'd be left in the decontamination field, shit—
Agent Scott: Hey, Val, pass them.
Security Officer Novotny begins accelerating to pass the other vehicle. As soon as the transport begins to cross the center line, SCP-7416 begins screaming at an extreme volume. The transport is telekinetically dragged back into the right lane, and slowed to 23 mph.
Agent Scott: —Christ!
Sec. Officer Novotny: Lawbert. Why do you do this to us.
SCP-7416: Center line is solid which is standard indicationment of no-passing zone. I refuse to move in a criminal manner.
Agent Greene: You aren't driving!
SCP-7416: Article 90 subsection A paragraph 3 states that a passenger of adult age may be considered an accomplice to-
Researcher Haldings: Okay. Okayokayokay. Fuck. Okay.
Agent Scott: We're cooked.
Researcher Haldings seizes Agent Scott's handgun from its holster, and points it at SCP-7416.
Agent Scott: Hey, what the hell are—
SCP-7416: Agent Greene! Researcher Haldings is in violation of—
Researcher Haldings: —Fuck. Alright, Lawbert, I'm—I'm holding you hostage. And forcing you to comply, so that means you legally aren't responsible for stopping us. Is this—Is this better now? Can we do the thing that lets us not die?
SCP-7416: Mine life is not endangered from small-arms fire however your legal argument is sufficiently admissible in court of law. Proceed with maneuvre.
The transport passes the other vehicle and begins accelerating without issue. As soon as the transport returns to the right, Haldings lowers the firearm. Greene looks out the rear window at the other vehicle.
Agent Scott: Hooo. Alright, we're in the clear.
Researcher Haldings: You guys will stick up for me later, right? I had to do it to get us all out.
SCP-7416: Do not exceed 40 imperial miles per unimperial hour.
Agent Greene: …Isn't that the site director driving the Honda?
[END LOG]
Addendum 6/7/2018: As of this date, the SCP-7416 Anomalous Legislature Decompilation Initiative has been approved and enacted. The 7416-ALDI consists of SCP-7416 being given access to dictation equipment for the purposes of transcribing unknown legal information relevant to the Foundation's interests and maintained operation, under supervision of Foundation personnel to ensure coherence and relevance. Any relevant portions of material transcribed in this way are to be stored and catalogued accordingly.
