Artist's Rendition of SCP-7308
Item #: SCP-7308
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7308 is contained within a standard humanoid containment cell in Site-309.
Description: SCP-7308 appears to be a red sphere approximately two meters in diameter. All attempts to perceive the true appearance of SCP-7308 have been unsuccessful.
Addendum:
Discovery
SCP-7308 was discovered in Poplar Grove, Illinois after reports of an "orb" wandering a local apple orchard. Following the capture of SCP-7308, Gate B of Site-309 was blasted down by Soupglop, a known reality bender residing in Three Portlands, demanding that SCP-7308 be returned to her.
After fourteen hours of standard de-escalation procedures, Dr. Noah Addams managed to conduct an interview with Soupglop.
<Begin Log>
Dr. Addams: Are you ready to cooperate? Or am I going to have to call in the tranq unit again?
Soupglop: Fine. Fine. But mark my words, young man, I'm gonna be casting sooooo many hexes on you later. I'm gonna…
Soupglop gestures her hands in the air wildly.
Soupglop: And you're gonna be SORRY.
Dr. Addams: I… Okay. Well, to start, what is SCP-7308?
Soupglop: Ha! What is it? It's my INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, that's what it is.
Dr. Addams: To be clear, I'm talking about the… red circle thing.
Soupglop: Wait, circle? I thought I upgraded to the orb package! Goddammit. I'm so fucking mad. I suck at contracts. Always using so much LANGUAGE. I—
Dr. Addams: No— it's— you did fine. It's an orb. I just misspoke. Sorry.
Soupglop: Huh. How the fuck did you go from orb to circle? There's a whole DIMENSION of difference. I thought you people were supposed to be smart!
Dr. Addams: I just misspoke. I'd appreciate moving on now.
Soupglop: Peh. Fine.
Dr. Addams: So, again. What is SCP-7308, and why can we only perceive it as an orb?
Soupglop: You see him like that because you hold no shares! Nobody does! Because all the shares are mine. I copyrighted him!
Dr. Addams: Well… then what do you see it as?
Soupglop: He's a large man with white fur. He has big muscles. He would be my husband but he's kind of stupid, so I copyrighted him instead. I call him "Yeti" and he's one of a kind. That's why Lord Alrights allowed me to finalize the ritual.
Dr. Addams: Hm. One moment, please.
Dr. Addams stands, retrieves a manilla folder, then pushes it towards Soupglop. She begins inspecting its contents.
Dr. Addams: Did you know that there are countless entities that are almost identical to your "Yeti"? Therefore…
Soupglop: Oh… oh no.
A tear in reality suddenly forms above Soupglop. An eye emerges, staring directly at her.
UNKNOWN: SOUPGLOP. YOU HAVE LIED, AND BETRAYED LORD ALRIGHTS. FOR THIS YOU WILL BE PUNISHED.
Soupglop: Wait, wait, I didn't know! I didn't—
UNKNOWN: IGNORANCE IS NOT FORGIVEN. PERISH.
Soupglop disintegrates into a pile of salt, and the tear closes.
<End Log>
Following the interview, it was discovered that SCP-7308 had disintegrated into a pile of ground black pepper. Reclassification to Neutralized pending.