Item #: SCP-729-J
Object Class: Keter Thaumiel123
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-729-J currently resides in Dr. Niles Hessen's office on her desk. Where, pray to god, it will stay. Request testing at your own risk. It breaches containment at an alarming frequency, but even MTF Nu-7 ("Hammer Down") refuses to go near the fucking thing, so it does whatever the hell it wants. We are all at its mercy. Dr. Hessen has been commanded to turn in SCP-729-J for it to be properly contained…as soon as someone can get up the courage to write her an email.
Description: SCP-729-J is SUPPOSED to be a toy, but I want to know who the sick fuck was that wanted to give this thing to children. The label SAYS it's made of polyester fiber, but we all know it's made of the devil's couch stuffing. Or something.
Its reign of terror began during a containment breach of SCP-106. SCP-106 had managed to trap Dr. Hessen in her office and had successfully corroded a hole in the door when it caught sight of that goddamn thing SCP-729-J. SCP-106 stopped moving completely and began staring at SCP-729-J, showing no interest in Dr. Hessen. SCP-106 then began moving backwards out of Dr. Hessen's office, never breaking visual contact with that eldritch horror SCP-729-J, until it reached the end of the hall and promptly rematerialized back in its containment cell. It should be noted that SCP-106's middle fingers were raised for the entirety of the encounter with SCP-729-J. SCP-106's reaction is, frankly, perfectly understandable, and several researchers who witnessed the event were found huddling with SCP-106 in its containment cell.
TESTING LOGS:
Effects: SCP-2006 screeched upon being introduced, and assumed a form identical to SCP-729-J. SCP-2006 has not changed form since the encounter.
Effects: SCP-729-J was sent through the wormhole to the SCP-1322 society. It was returned 6 minutes later, tied to a white flag.
Effects: When Dr. Hessen was told to walk through a door with 303 on the other side while holding SCP-729-J, SCP-303 promptly opened the door for Dr. Hessen and ushered her through before quickly exiting the room, with Dr. Hessen showing no sign of the usual fear response. SCP-303 was found six hours later in an abandoned storage closet in a fetal position, sucking its thumb.
Effects: SCP-729-J was put on a fishing hook and lowered into the sea, to where the current position of SCP-3000 was found with radar. After 2 hours of lowering it into the sea, Dr. Saarland complained about a cramp in his hand from unwinding the fishing pole and Dr. Bayer took over. Another 50 minutes later the assumed depth of SCP-3000 was reached. After 2 minutes, a tug was felt on the fishing pole and SCP-3000's presence swiftly disappeared from the radar. As Dr. Bayer also complained of his hand hurting, retrieval of the end of the fishing line was postponed.
I told them both they should do stretches beforehand, but no, "We play Halo every Friday!", "Our wrists are trained!". Should have listened. - Dr. Baden
The next day, after proper warmup, SCP-729-J was successfully retrieved, along with a crudely written note attached to it, reading: Alright, I thought we had a deal. I turn some consciousnesses to spaghetti, and you guys get your regrety-forgety. But, okay, you won. You get the forgety stuff for free. Lifetime supply. But please, just this one condition! Keep. That thing. Out. Of. My. Ocean! I'll go for a while. I need to calm down.
SCP-055
Effects: Dr. Hessen walked into the containment chamber of SCP-055 holding SCP-729-J. About 5 minutes later, the containment chamber opened and a calico cat ran into Dr. Hessen's office.
Oh, Pudding, come here! I brought a new friend for you! -Dr. Hessen
Wait, we even had a 055? And it's a cat named Pudding? -Dr. Aksum
SCP-650
Effects: Dr. Hessen was told to directly observe SCP-650 in its containment cell whilst holding SCP-729-J. Before Dr. Hessen could be asked to break her line of sight with SCP-650, the lighting within SCP-650's containment cell briefly deactivated and the sound of quick, heavy footsteps could be heard from its room, according to Dr. Hessen. When the power to SCP-650's chamber was restored, SCP-650 had completely vanished from its containment site and was nowhere to be found near Dr. Hessen; however, onsite staff noted that a sign of the cross had been crudely carved into a wall of SCP-650's containment cell directly facing Dr. Hessen's position. A containment breach alert was sounded; after two hours of extensive searching, SCP-650 was discovered hiding within a storage closet, apparently having attempted to bury its head into the floor. SCP-650 was eventually returned to its containment cell, but has since constantly faced the wall with the engraved cross and has not moved from its position.
Effects: When exposed to SCP-729-J, all copies made by SCP-1048 became immobile and have not regained mobility since exposure. SCP-1048 appeared alarmed by this, making a gesture like the sign of the cross, and retreated behind its copies. SCP-1048 regained the ability to make copies of itself when SCP-729-J was removed. It now frequently produces art that depict SCP-729-J as monstrous in some form, and cowers if shown a picture of SCP-729-J.
Not even the teddy? Aww… Poor Mr. Buns. He just wants some friends! - Dr. Hessen
Try 2317. Maybe then that hellbeast can be with its own kind. -Dr. Yvaine
SCP-2317
Effects: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Note: SCP-2317-K was observed repairing all seven of the chains attached to the ceiling of its containment following exposure to the nightmare that is SCP-729-J.
It wouldn't play with him either! - Dr. Hessen
… My god. - Dr. Yvaine
SCP-682
Effects: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Long story short, we reclassed SCP-682 as Neutralized. You don't even want to fucking know how this little fucker killed it. - Dr. Foxfield
SCP-076
Effects: SCP-729-J was placed inside SCP-076’s containment area when scans showed that SCP-076-2’s heart was beginning to beat. All humans exited the room, and researchers watched behind a camera. When SCP-076-2 got out of SCP-076-1, instead of looking for the nearest human, he looked straight at 729-J. SCP-076-2 materialized an American M9-Flamethrower and the corresponding fuel pack. He attempted to use it on SCP-729-J, but the flamethrower did nothing to it. When SCP-076-2 ran out of fuel and saw that 729-J was unharmed, he ran back into SCP-076-1 and curled up into a ball. Crying sounds were heard coming from the inside of SCP-076-1. It has been 2 weeks, and SCP-076-2 has yet to come out of that position.
Wait…..since when could 076-2 create flamethrowers?! - Dr. █████
SCP-073
Effects: When exposed to SCP-729-J, SCP-073 took a cup of water, and proceeded to bless it. SCP-073 then vocalized the phrase: “FUCK OFF, DICKNIPS!” and soaked the little shit in the holy water.SCP-073 remained under a table for the remainder of the test, with its fingers in the form of a cross.
SCP-187
Effects: Upon being exposed to SCP-729-J, SCP-187 began to vomit and froth at the mouth. SCP-187 displays rapid emotional changes, switching from screaming and babbling to squealing and cooing. SCP-187 is immediately removed.Upon being interviewed, SCP-187 said "How can such a thing be so ungodly yet so cute?!" SCP-187 is currently undergoing therapy.
SCP-1915
Effects: SCP-729-J is exposed to SCP-1915. Upon exposure, SCP-1915 exclaimed while raising his arms high into the air "I QUIT!"SCP-1915 breaches containment and [DATA EXPUNGED]
SCP-1915 is currently believed to be conversing with SCP-3812 about the futility of Narratives and plot points, currently debating which of their creators have the smallest dick.
SCP-4812-K
Effects: SCP-729-J is launched straight at SCP-4812-K.SCP-4812-K begins to scream and writhe around, before charging towards SCP-225-1, killing itself.
SCP-4812-S and -E are reported at this time to breach containment, both self terminating. SCP-729-J is retrieved and given back hastily by the GOC, stating it killed the Eros entity by landing on it.
Note: Upon being asked how he is still capable of talking and reacting in a calm and stoic manner around that goddamn thing, Dr. Gears spoke calmly, stating "I have actually soiled my pants the first time I looked at it, and Now I have a super toilet in the observation deck, with a throw up bucket and shower included. I honestly am as disgusted by it as you are."
SCP-173
Effects: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Don't ask about it. No, the war head did not destroy either of them. No, there was no grand battle. Yes, there was a discussion. No, do not go and try searching for the Koitern or the [DATA LOST]. No, not even the Wanderer's Library. Yes, they did don sombreros. No, we have yet to remove them. NO; We will not try this again, less we see an AZ-Class "Fiesta" scenario. Yes, that is all we found in the second SCP-5000 suit that showed up in SCP-173s containment chamber. -Green
I don’t know. I think he looks cute with it! -Dr.Hessen
SCP-001
Effects: Tom Brady, Quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, was abducted and forced to throw SCP-729-J into SCP-001’s radius. SCP-001 immediately looked at 729-J and bowed. A mouth shaped opening appeared on SCP-001’s head, and in a loud voice, it said “My lord.” SCP-001 then picked up 729-J and put it in the garden on the other side of the gate that SCP-001 guarded. 729-J was only able to be retrieved when SCP-001 was allowed to have SCP-999 for a day.
Don’t worry, Tom Brady was given, as SCP-3000 so gracefully put it, ‘regrety-forgety’. - Dr. [REDACTED], head of the Amnestics department
Editor’s Note: It should be noted that, when asked for the reasoning behind what it had done, SCP-001 responded with a single word: Fear.
SCP-049
Effects: When exposed to SCP-729-J, SCP-049 appeared to stagger, grasping its head with its hand and falling to its knees, stating "The Pestilence… it's… too strong…" SCP-049 then attempted to crawl towards SCP-729-J, vocalizing "I must… cure you…" but fell to the ground and fell unconscious.
Damn, guess that dude's too strong a plague, even for 049. -Dr. Brine
SCP-294
Effects: D-382563 was asked to type ‘SCP729J’ on SCP-294’s keyboard. He initially refused, stating that he had heard stories of 729-J from the other Class-D’s, and that he “wanted nothing to do with that creature of Satan”. D-382563 was held at gunpoint by a security officer until he obliged to type it. 294 produced a titanium cup, with the words ‘This is the only thing that can hold a liquid of this toxicity’ imprinted on the outside of it. The cup was then filled with a neon yellow liquid. D-382563 was, again, held at gunpoint, until he drank the liquid. After D-382563 drank it, his eyes turned red, and then promptly [DATA EXPUNGED]. His whole body then turned inside out. Flaming skeleton hands emerged from the ground and dragged him down into the floor. When D-382563 was gone, a note appeared where he was dragged into the ground. The note read ‘That little shitstain of a toy did not come from here, and I beg you to keep it FAR away from here. -Satan’.
G-G-Get me the FUCK out of here! -Dr. Roshland, an hour before resigning.
SCP-914
Effects: SCP-729-J was placed in the intake booth of SCP-914 by Dr. Hessen. SCP-914 was set to "Rough" by Dr. ███████ in order to, "Finally terminate this god forsaken abomination". When attempting to turn the key, SCP-914 refused to operate while SCP-729-J was in the intake. Investigation of SCP-914 shows that a note was found in the output booth. The note read, "This is one thing that can not be refined. I don't care how many times you try, get that shit out of here."
SCP-231
Effects: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Procedure 110-Montauk has now been replaced with periodic exposure to SCP-729-J, given the much higher levels of emotional distress produced by the latter.
SCP-096
Effects: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Poor 096, no one should be subjected to that cotton-stuffed eldritch horror. Long story short, 096 was in a state where it cared more about getting that piece of ████ out of its containment cell, which is why the incident was concluded with relatively low casualties. At least we know what it looks like! I heard one of the researchers call him hot, and I don't know if that is disturbing or if I agree. - Doctor Seraphim, excerpt from interview with Dr. █████.
SCP-001
Effects: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Notes: The Scarlet King fled from it while crying repeating the phrase "please forgive me I repent for stealing Gods sandwich and destroying the multiverse" Dear Fucking SCP-343 it Scared The Scarlet King .
Note: There is no record of a test between SCP-729-J and SCP-001-TUFTO taking place. Junior Researcher James has been reprimanded for making unsupervised additions to this page.
Son, I really am beginning to think your security clearance shouldn't be enough to view any of this. Also, please don't forget to come to my office and drop 50 cents into the swear jar as soon as you're available. - Researcher ███████
SCP-131
Effects: Upon the sight of SCP-729-J, both SCP-131-A and SCP-131-B closed their eyes and started babbling at an extremely panicked tone. After 10 minutes they rolled away at a velocity greater than ever recorded before, bumping into multiple objects and personnel, leading to minor injuries and one major injury. After 4 hours, both subjects started to calm down, opened their eyes, and engaged in regular activities.
Since when do these guys have eyelids?! -Dr. Vuur
●●|●●●●●|●●|●
Effects: ●●|●●●●●|●●|●’s description was written on SCP-729-J. ●●|●●●●●|●●|● manifested to remove SCP-729-J, however, immediately started backing away with both of his middle fingers tendrils (?) raised after viewing it, similar to SCP-106.
You’re telling me 729-J scared ●●|●●●●●|●●|●, WHO SCARED THE FUCKING GOD OF LOGIC? Getitawayfrommerightnow. - Dr. Une
Effects: SCP-999 experienced a chromatic shift to a pale yellow complexion following exposure to SCP-729-J, resulting in temporary immobilization and unexpectedly vanishing through rapid evaporation. Subsequently, reintegrating within its designated containment area, refraining from human interaction for the ensuing 24 hour period.
999 could do that? I request a proposal to test more SCPs with SCP-729-J to reveal more of their "Hidden talents". - Dr. Avenlee
Are you fucking insane? - O5-1
SCP-3008
Effects: SCP-729-J was thrown into SCP-3008. Almost 5 seconds later, an instance of SCP-3008-2 threw him out with a note saying: "Ok we'll stop killing people who dont leave the store. Just please NEVER BRING THAT ELDRITCH HORROR INTO OUR STORE!!!"
SCP-001
Effects: SCP-729-J was transported to the alternate timeline with the ongoing XK-Class scenario. The next day, a piece of paper covered in blood appeared along with SCP-729-J. The note reads: "Ok fine you win. I guess we will never get to turn all humans into blobs of flesh. But we can both agree that that vile entity is worse than the damage we did." - SCP-001-
Nope. - Dr. Clef
Effects: SCP-729-J was attached to a drone and lowered into SCP-087. SCP-087-1 appeared and rather than being the chaser, it was the chased. Note that the crying sounds turned into terrified screams. Once the drone reached the bottom, the source of the crying became apparent. It was SCP-096's younger brother, the popular guy (now referred to as SCP-8796.) Was crying because it didn't get attention.
“If SCP-096 has a little brother than- oh shit. I don't want to know what SCP-096's mom looks like.” -Agent ███████
Effects: SCP-729-J Was put in the same room as an SCP-008 infected. The subject began scratching on the walls of the room, like it was begging to be let out. The subject started to rot at an exponential rate, similar to hosts of SCP-035. Eventually, the subject completely rotted away, reduced to nothing more than a pile of bones.
I don’t blame it. -Senior Researcher O.P.P
My cute Hamilpeep did that? -Dr. Hessen
Effects: When SCP-729-J was brought to Jupiter SCP-2399 called back all of its self repair drones and initiated a self-destruct sequence destroying itself and Jupiter creating a black hole the mass of Jupiter.
SCP-4521
Effects: As SCP-729-J was brought close to SCP-4521, the tree began to emit vibrations that slowly grew in intensity the closer 729-J got. When we placed it at the very base of 4521, it finally began to scream very loudly, not even stopping to take a breath; and we honestly do not blame it. It should be noted that even after the eldritch horror was taken away, SCP-4521 kept on screaming bloody murder and hasn’t ceased since, so we reclassified it as “Explained.”
Dear God it was so terrifying, it made even 4521 scream. -Dr. ██████
Junior Researcher ███████
Effects: SCP-729-J was placed on the backside of the door to Junior Researcher ███████s room. Junior Researcher ███████ was later found outside Site-██ with a broken arm and leg from having jumped out his second story window in an attempt to escape SCP-729-J.
Note: SCP-729-J was placed in Junior Researcher ███████s room as part of a prank in a then ongoing prank war among Site-██ research staff. Junior Researcher ███████ however was not partaking in the prank war nor was he aware of it. The room he occupied in the staff dormitory previously housed Research Director Clark who was partaking in the prank war. Director Clark had moved out of the room to live off site the week prior. Due to a clerical error in the Site-██ personnel dossier the room was incorrectly listed as Director Clarks residence. The individuals involved in this prank have been reprimanded but SCP-729-J has not been confiscated.
SCP-1233
Effects: SCP-729-J was strategically placed so that SCP-1233 would come across it during its more recent arrival event.After encountering SCP-729-J, SCP-1233 maintained uninterrupted eye4 contact for 30 minutes before saying, "To imagine that such monstrosities that make even the horrifying Moon Monsters seem like one of what the earthlings call elephants exist so close to the Moon. LISTEN TO ME, FOUL BEAST! IF YOU EVER APPROACH THE MOON, I MOON CHAMPION, WILL BE READY TO FACE YOU!"
Following this, SCP-1233's jetpack activated, and it flew away with both its middle fingers raised.
SCP-1959
Effects: SCP-729-J was launched towards SCP-1959 through the use of SCP-1543-02.SCP-1959 ended up catching SCP-729-J in its arms, at which point it began to vibrate at great speeds. After 20 minutes a ████████ left SCP-1959's body before fleeing into space.
The now unconscious SCP-1959 was recovered and reclassified as neutralized, as it seems to have lost its anomalous properties.
You guys are so lucky that godforsaken thing didn't destroy The Sun Launcher. - Captain of the Mobile Task Force in charge of SCP-1543.
SCP-1440
Effects: After coming into contact with SCP-729-J, SCP-1440 grabbed its chest before collapsing onto the ground. Further analysis showed SCP-1440 had died from a fatal heart attack. A note was found in SCP-1440's pocket reading:No matter how much I hate him, not even that bastard deserved coming face to face with that monstrosity that's even outside my reach. - All-Death
SCP-2719
Effects:
Pointer Outcome SCP-729-J Was inside. SCP-729-J Went inside. SCP-729-J Went inside. SCP-729-J Went as far away as humanly possible. SCP-729-J was recovered near the remains of Jupiter.
Note: On ██/██/20██ a message appeared in a Foundation terminal accessible only to the O5 Council. The message was as follows:
For a long time we believed that we were unstoppable in our ability to erase the enemies of the Foundation, but we've come across a weed that cannot be removed. After ██x10^████! unsuccessful activations of Protocol Alpha-1-7, we surrender. The light of SCP has abandoned us, and now we'll die in the dark, but there will be no light.
Further investigation of Victoria Crater on Mars has been unable to find any lead into the recently disappeared SCP-4011.
Well, at least it took care of that thing for us. - Dr. Alexander Cuco.
On ██/██/2022, the Ethics Committee made contact with Dr. Wondertainment as well as Marshall, Carter, and Dark for possible leads on the source of this fucking thing SCP-729-J.
Response from DW: Look, we make toys. Sometimes lethal, yes, but we don't go raiding Mr. Scarlett's playpen. And before you ask, no, it's not AWCY either. We forwarded some of their higher-ups that pic you sent us, and I'm pretty sure I could hear the screaming from my office.
Response from MC&D: Our organization's purpose is to produce a profit. How in the blue fuck do you think we could expect to sell this hellspawn to anyone? On an unrelated note, if you wouldn't mind forwarding Dr. Hessen's contact info, we have a few XK-Class items sitting around that no one's been willing to purchase yet.
Interview Log:
Interviewed: Dr. Hessen
Interviewer: Dr. Yvaine
Foreword: SCP-729-J was "contained," if you can call it that, in Dr. Hessen's purse, despite multiple pleas to please just put the goddamn thing away.
<Begin Log>
Dr. Yvaine: Dr. Hessen. Tell us the means by which you obtained SCP-729-J.
Dr. Hessen: I mean, it was a little gift I ordered for myself online. Easter, you know?
Dr. Yvaine: Nothing odd at all about its manufacturing?
Dr. Hessen: Nope!
Dr. Yvaine: And yet we've scoured the factory where it was made for evidence of satanic rituals. Odd.
Dr. Hessen: But yeah, he… came in the mail! It was one of the special scented ones.
Dr. Yvaine: Dear god… [Addressing Dr. Hessen's purse] - I'm sorry I feasted upon your brethren. Let me live, and it'll never happen again, I promise. Just have mercy. [Addressing Dr. Hessen] What is the nature of your immunity to SCP-729-J's effects?
Dr. Hessen: Properties? I mean, it's a plushie. I have it right here. [Dr. Hessen begins removing SCP-729-J oh god does she think we want that thing anywhere near us?!]Dr. Yvaine: NO NO NO FUCK GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME -
Dr. Yvaine began to scream as Dr. Hessen almost caused that horrifying cotton stuffed ████ to get close to breaching. Dr. Yvaine was found in the containment of SCP-343 on their knees crying and speaking what could be only described as a mix of sobs and pleads for forgiveness, while SCP-343 was seen crying and praying as well.
<End Log>Closing Statement: Interview was terminated due to imminent containment breach.
ADDENDUM: Incident Log
Incident Report:
On 1/29/2026 SCP-729-J was not observed in Dr. Hessen's office. Instead, it was seen in Site Director Theron Sherman's office. Site Director Sherman has still not entered his office even after that motherfucking thing SCP-729-J was removed. Site Director Sherman has no comment.
