By Marceline D. Raynes
Item #: SCP-7169
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Discoveries regarding SCP-7169 within the civilian scientific community are to be censored.
SCP-7169's Tinder profile has been expunged. A Foundation-made webcrawler has been discreetly implemented into the site's source code to screen for any future communication attempts by the anomaly.
SCP-7169, as observed from Space Force 3
Description:
SCP-7169 is a sapient, terrestrial exoplanet orbiting the star Alkaid within the Ursa Major constellation. The anomaly is roughly 12,000 kilometers in diameter with an approximate mass of 4.868 × 1024 kg, and orbits its star at a rate of approximately 47,000 km/hr.
Although SCP-7169 does not possess any evidence of advanced civilization on its surface1, the anomaly is capable of instantaneous communication with Earth via the Internet, which it has so far used exclusively to engage with the online dating service, Tinder. Barring one incident, SCP-7169's activity on Tinder has been unsuccessful in finding suitable partners.
Attempted Communication
Terrance Cassidy, a Foundation janitor, discovered SCP-7169 while attempting to find a suitable partner during his off hours. Cassidy was reprimanded for his delay in reporting his discovery to Foundation researchers and was promptly fired.
Sexy hot planet gf
cool pics, make those youself?
You could say that ;] like?
yeah theyre cool as shit!
man, gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous
howd you do it?
hehe, thanks
idk, really.
couuple billion years as a hot could of gas
lots of time as that gas getting hotter and
turning into an iron core,
little more time waiting for asteroids
and other space rocks to crash into
each other. Simple stuff, really
wow ur really into this roleplay stuff, huh?
You have no idea babe ;]
so waht are you into?
o, you know, looking at cool rock
formations, feeling the sun on my back
dodging sketchy asteroids, vibing mostly
no i mean like, sex stuff.
thats why youre here right?
i mean, isnt that what people download the app for?
OH!
You shoulda been more specific, hun.
imreally into orbits
Orbits?
Yeah. Ooooorbits.
Kinda freaky, I know
I hope you don't find that weird.
nah i dont judge
ive never heard of someone with an orbit kink before?
I really like it when a moon gets all
down and dirty with my gravity.
That tug and pull on my oceans just
gets a planetoid's core molten, ya know?
stuff like that makes my core quiver.
shit girl im down withh taht
good, its been so long since ive been with anyone
there aren't that many planetoids in
travelling distance from me but_
I can literally see you from here.
damn i can see your fine atmosphere from here
Oh yeah, talk dirty to me. Tell me what you're gonna do to me.
Girl im gonna orbit you so hard
that youre oceans are gonna make tidal waves
Oooooh fuck yes
im about to rock your world with planetary collision
Fuck ysss give it to me.
float around up in my nasty gravity
collide with my surface
imma slide all my terrain on your surface
and make you erupt all over my face
ogod, im gon n ablow
Yeah, erupt for me girl
mmmy tec tonic plat es… my pla tes r
spew that hot magma all over my crust
thers magma ans oot all seeping deep into my crust
why dont you get down in my mantle and…
magnetize it ;]
damn girl, thats fire. imma get
all up in thta mantle and service you
mmm yes you massive pit of gravity
wanna meet up?
i can zap you to me if thats easier
wouldnt want your star feeling any type of way
dont know wht that means but im into it
gimme a few cycles. stay sexy ;)
Three weeks after the conclusion of this exchange, Terrance Cassidy spontaneously dissappeared from his residence during a momentary lapse in Foundation surveillance2. A number of contraceptives were found in dissarray within the residence, all severely burned. A large hole in the ceiling of Cassidy's home was present, although the cause of the structural damage is unclear.
Since this incident, SCP-7169 and Terrance Cassidy have deleted their Tinder profiles. The anomaly has thus far not attempted to re-establish its connection to the site, or any other web address on the Internet. All attempted communications with the anomaly have been met with a single phrase response, detailed below:
Happily engaged. Kindly fuck off my DMs
Investigations into Terrance Cassidy's whereabouts are on-going.