INTERVIEW LOG
DATE: 3/1/22
NOTE: While additional Foundation staff attempted to close off the alleyway from civilian view and amnesticize the witnesses, Martin Greaze conversed with the agent accompanying him.
POI-792: Ah, Greazus, they really need to work on their aim.
Agent Marigold: Holy shit, how the hell is it still speaking?
POI-792: Yeah, I’m a little surprised myself honestly. Usually this doesn’t happen.
Five seconds of silence pass within the alleyway.
POI-792 What’s with you people? You need to lighten up, this isn’t a funeral yet.
Agent Marigold: Right. Uh. Not exactly used to having a businessman with red pudding for a head talking to me. What is your name?
Agent Marigold visibly gags.
POI-792: You can read my nametag same as I can’t, pal. I don’t have eyes anymore but I can still tell you don’t exactly have an excuse.
Agent Marigold: You’re Martin Greaze?
POI-792: Yup, that’s my name. Don’t wear it out because I don’t have champion and claimer of titles from the deep groves insurance.
Agent Marigold: Yikes. How’d you end up like this?
POI-792: Well, plain and simple, I had a magazine emptied into my skull.
Agent Marigold: Yeah, well, we can see that- I mean, what events led up to the shooting?
POI-792: Now you’re just talking too seriously. This just happens once in a while, and you’re acting like you’re watching somebody dying.
Agent Marigold: You mean, you’re not bleeding out right now and not talking out of a lump of raw hamburger?
POI-792: Of course I’m not dying, stupid. I don’t know what they taught you in basic training, but once in a while you just have to have that little hint of rebellion removed, ya know?
Agent Marigold: Uh. Elaborate on that, please.
POI-792: Well, lemme put it this way. Ever have thoughts about just dropping it all, quitting your job, and moving out to the countryside?
Agent Marigold: Not particularly, no.
POI-792: Good for you, you’re showing admirable loyalty to your employer. We’d give you a nice little gift basket for that. Next question, would you go up to your boss and ask for a raise?
Agent Marigold: I’m paid pretty well as it is, but who wouldn’t want to go for a raise?
POI-792: Ugh. There’s always one of them. We here at Greazeburger really, really don’t like it when the employees get… self-assertive…
POI-792: You see here, uh, Agent So-And-So, Greazeburger’s a family. A real big family. And families should never, ever fight. How do you stop a fight, fellow content employee?
Agent Marigold: Well, I’d make both sides talk about their frustrations so an agreement could be made.
POI-792: Yeah, and you said ‘both’. There wouldn’t be any fights if there was only one side, and that’s what we’re doing here. We fire the employees who might start a bit of a feud in the Greazeburger family, that’s how you keep the family happy.
Agent Marigold: Is ‘firing’ a euphemism for something?
POI-792: Of course not! What do we look like, barbarians? We’re all from the same bloodline, it’s really, really easy to just make a copy of a rebellious worker when they’re first hired and fill them in after the original is fired. Like, super easy. Maybe takes five minutes, tops.
Agent Marigold: So, you clone workers who want fairer treatment and then fire them? Doesn’t that seem a little… evil?
POI-792: Of course not? How could it be evil if everyone wants to do it? I’d bet my blood-soaked suspenders that whatever primitive, backwards, and unrefined followers of the Holy Corporate Need you have down here would do the same thing if they were smart enough to.
Agent Marigold: That just seems exceptionally evil.
POI-792: Nonsense! Evil is just crime you can’t monetize, it’s no longer illegal when you make money.
Agent Marigold: I don’t exactly know how to respond to that, but alright.
POI-792: We’re making a fuckton of money by the way, so we can’t be evil. That’s how it works.
Agent Marigold: So, if you just fire workers, what are you doing here like this?
POI-792: Nah, I just submitted my resignation. You know how it is, worrying that you have a little too much concern for the underlings and you’re starting to feel something warm and fuzzy inside for some people you thought you never cared about, so I just took the easy way out, quit, and let the new Martin Greaze take my position. I made the choice to end up this way, and as long as the River of Greaze flows, I’m sure other people here will.
Agent Marigold: What’ll happen to you?
POI-792: I’d guess I have maybe three minutes or so remaining, it’s not really my concern. I know the new Martin’s already been briefed about my history and has no doubt completed the paperwork I hadn’t finished, so there’s not really anything left to do other than talk.
Agent Marigold: Right. But here’s the thing. Firing and resignation to you mean murder, and what, you just replace them with a clone?
POI-792: Of course not! What do you think this is, a charity? We only clone important family members, like me. The rest we just dispose of.
Agent Marigold: What’s with that? If you can just replace people that easily, why bother with the killing?
POI-792: That’s how we tie up loose ends, we don’t want the troublesome ones coming back to be a thorn in our sides.
Agent Marigold: Doesn’t it seem excessive to dump them on Earth and then kill them?
POI-792: Unfortunately, we’re taking all the right precautions. Most of us have all kinds of crazy whatsits and alterations added that give all kinds of odd properties. We don’t exactly have a database for what gets installed in who, and telling whether Jimbo Greaze or Jimmy Greaze had the Turbo Flesh Gator Regenerator Refrigerator Inator is basically impossible.
Agent Marigold: And your point?
POI-792: Well, firing them on Earth, or firing them first and then dumping them on Earth is our way of making sure they don’t come back to bite us on the butt. If you know some of your targets might be almost invincible, it’s best to include an extra layer of security to help you sleep at night.
Agent Marigold: So, stranding them in a foreign dimension is just an additional layer of security?
POI-792: Yup! And all this is to prevent the absolute worst outcome, the-.
POI-792 chokes, and regurgitates a yellow, opaque mucus onto the pavement.
POI-792: Uck. We really, really don’t want a-
Agent Marigold: Come on, spit it out!
POI-792: The absolute last thing we want is a-
POI-792 begins to whisper to Agent Marigold.
POI-792: U…u….union.
POI-792 begins to convulse violently as they begin emitting large quantities of smoke. Agent Marigold attempts to cover the smoke with their jacket, but fails as POI-792 suddenly explodes in a shower of yellow bile and bursts into blue flame.
Agent Marigold: Holy fuck!
Additional Foundation agents rush into the alleyway, and find the burning remnants of POI-792, as well as the unharmed Agent Marigold, who is covered in bile and blood.
Agent Marigold: Urgh. We’ll need to call Kensing about this, and maybe get a towel.