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>USER: Jbaxter
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Welcome, John. How can I help you today?
>open_case SCP-6945
Bringing up relevant files
Site-78 Budgetary Meeting 12/06/22
Personnel Present:
Site-78 Department Head of Parabiological Sciences, Arms and Equipment, Maria Johnston
Site-78 Department Head of MAUDE, Gregory Chudley
Midwest Command Heads of Human Resources, John and Deborah Baxter
[Recording start]
John: Alright it is 0930 on Tuesday the… twelfth. All requested individuals have arrived for the meeting. State your names for the recording. John Baxter.
Deborah: Deborah Baxter.
Maria: Maria Johnston.
Gregory: Do we really need to do this? It’s just a budgetary meeting.
John and Deborah: Yes.
Gregory: *sighs* Gregory Chudley.
Deborah: Now that the formalities have been taken care of, what did you want to discuss?
Researcher Chudley reaches down into a briefcase and pulls out a manilla folder.
Gregory: We are formally requesting a budget increase for future containment efforts for SCP-6945.
John and Deborah exchange looks.
John: Alright, what are your terms?
Researcher Johnston fingers open the manilla folder and pulls out a spreadsheet before clearing her throat.
Maria: We are asking for a 16% increase in funding towards our security detail for the room it's contained in. We also request an increase in cameras monitoring the room from to get a better coverage of the room’s interior within the room to monitor everything the anomaly is doing, as well as staff to operate the cameras.
John: I suppose those terms are acceptable. Anything else?
Maria: Well, we were also hoping for-
Gregory: We need a Scranton Reality Anchor.
John: What do you mean you need a Scranton Reality Anchor? Every site has the budget for at least one. What happened to it?
Maria: We were never given the money. We were told when active containment operations at Site-78 began that we'd get a grant for them. Money never showed.
Deborah: Are you implying that Midwest Command never sent the funds? Don't be silly. Our department would never misplace a substantial sum of money.
Maria: Misplace? No. Reassign to somewhere you deem more important? That sounds more likely to me but were not here to argue about the past. If you just take a look at the document, you'd understand-
John and Deborah's mouths turn to a frown..
Deborah: We have. If you are formally requesting we read through the document alongside the authors in order to fully understand your reasoning, however, well…
She looks to John.
Deborah: I suppose we can allow that.
Maria: Wonderful! If you’ll open up to the beginning of the document…
Maria: After this point, the anomaly took full control over the breakroom and turned our lives into a living hell.
Gregory: My Moth-Man lunch box has been trapped in there for almost two weeks now. I miss his little beady eyes every day.
John: Well, I see why you may be frustrated at that, but it doesn’t really seem to me to need any major increases in any budgetary limits.
Gregory: You haven’t seen the security logs from the day after.
John: Security logs? Plural?
Gregory: It was rough for everybody.
Deborah: Yes, well, I’m certain having a little ghoul in your break room-
Gregory: Goblin.
Deborah: Excuse me?
Gregory: It is a goblin. Ghouls are, y’know, like… ghoulish.
Deborah: Is that supposed to mean something to me or are you just saying words?
Gregory: Come on, you know. Ghouls are all… fleshy… and gray. Goblins are all green or brownish and scream a lot and-
Maria: Chudley, now is NOT the time.
Gregory: Come on, I can’t just LET her challenge me on my goblin lore and trivia-
Maria: Greg. Just. Pull out the security logs.
Gregory: (mutters something under his breath, defeated)
[Begin Log]
[Resarcher Jerry Johanssen is seen within the breakroom speaking to SCP-6945.]
SCP-6945: Incomprehensible screeching.
Jerry: Calm down, little buddy. No need to get so heated.
SCP-6945: (Spit flies out of SCP-6945’s mouth onto Researcher Johannsen) SILENCE, YOU UNADULTERATED CUR! YOU WILL REFER TO ME ONLY AS “YOUR HOLINESS”, “MY LORD”, OR “THE INSATIABLE SCRATNECK”! NOW PAY YOUR TAXES, FOOL.
Jerry: Taxes? You think I work in Wyoming because I want to pay taxes?
SCP-6945: IF YOU SHAN’T PAY THE TAX, THEN YOU PAY THE CONSEQUENCES. YOU SHALL FEEL THE PAIN OF TEN THOUSAND STARS EXPLODING AT ONCE. ENJOY YOUR ETERNAL TORMENT, YOU INSOLENT BOOB!
SCP-6945 grabs Researcher Johannsen by the arm, and his lab coat’s sleeve transmutes into a brown liquid. Researcher Johannsen begins to cry out in pain as the brown liquid runs off his arm, scorching his epidermis. SCP-6945 laughs maniacally
[End Log]
Maria: See? This is exactly what we need it for! Who knows what kind of artifacts it might have underneath that cloak? Just because it hasn’t harmed anyone YET, doesn’t mean it won’t! It literally declared itself as a reality bender.
John and Deborah whisper something to each other for a moment before turning back to Researchers Johnston and Chudley. John clears his throat.
John: Well, we see your… valid concerns around the situation. However…
Deborah: We had a situation with the Pataphysics department last month that unfortunately tied up our remaining free SRAs. Classified research, I’m sure you understand.
Gregory: Classified to two department heads? That’s bullshit! You’re just trying to trick us with bureaucratic malarkey to prevent our departments from getting the proper budgeting!
Maria: Chudley.
Gregory: How the hell do you expect us to get anything done if we can’t even stay in the same room as the anomaly without risk of banishment? This is ridiculous!
Maria: Chudley! That’s enough.
Researcher Johnston turns to John and Deborah.
Maria: We highly implore you to reconsider. Please.
Deborah: We’re sorry. We need more to go off of than a egomaniacal boast. This is out of our range of options. Until circumstances worsen, all we can approve is increased security.
John: Meeting adjourned.
[END RECORDING]
Site-78 Budgetary Meeting #2 12/07/22
Personnel Present:
Site-78 Department Head of Parabiological Sciences, Arms and Equipment, Maria Johnston
Site-78 Department Head of MAUDE, Gregory Chudley
Midwest Command Heads of Human Resources, John and Deborah Baxter
[Begin Log]
John: Johnston, Chudley, it is good to see you both agai- Johnston, what is that all over you?
Maria: Oh, this?
Johnston raises her arms up, she appears to be covered in soot.
Maria: This is from the 12th siege of Hallway 6B. I got too close to one of my bouncing ball grenades. Had to send that little bastard flying back into the breakroom because SOMEONE wouldn’t allow us to have an SRA.
Deborah: You detonated SCP-6952 based explosives on site? Johnston, that is a violation of-
Maria: I don’t want to hear it. Richter has authorized my department to use every method at our disposal to contain SCP-6945. We’re at war now.
John: I beg your pardon?
Gregory: At the beginning of the month, he sent a scroll with a declaration of war. Now he’s been launching consistent attacks to annex Hallway 6B. Johnston and the Street Samurai just barely managed to keep him from taking it 30 minutes ago.
John: Well it sounds like you all have everything under control. I assume this is to request an order for an SRA?
Gregory: Yes, please. That hallway leads to my department and the last thing I need is a Goblin with delusions of grandeur putting on the world's unluckiest pair of jorts.
Deborah: That would be quite unfortunate, Chudley, but our hands our tied. We just sent the last of the extra funds for your site a few weeks ago for a plasma weaponry project.
Chudley looks over at Johnston.
Maria: …Yes. You did. And those weapons were useless against -6945's reality warping.
Deborah: Now you can see why we don't have any funds to spare for an SRA, perhaps you should have thought about your current issues rather than yet another weapons project.
Gregory: God, this is such horeseshit.
Maria: Wait, Chudley, can you pull out Addendum 02 for me, please?
Gregory: Yeah, sure.
Addendum 6945.02: Updated list of SCP-6945-X instances + Damage Reports
| Foundation Designation | SCP-6945's chosen name | Description |
|---|---|---|
| SCP-6945-C | “Ring of Lock Doors” | A small, golden ring, inlaid with gemstones. Has the anomalous property of locking any door that leads into the room that SCP-6945 is in. |
| SCP-6945-D | “Force Crossbow of Exhaustion” | A wooden hand crossbow that does not require bolts. When fired, an arrow manifests and is released. Does not physically harm the target in any way. However, it does instantly expel all air from their lungs forcefully. |
| SCP-6945-E | “Glove of Transformation" | A glove made of black and red silks. SCP-6945 claims that it can transmute matter into any form that it chooses but has thus far only been known to transform matter into gravy. |
As of 12/7/22, the “war” between SCP-6945 and Site-78 has injured several personnel and has cost an estimated 90 to 95 thousand dollars. A list of these expenses are included below. No monetary amount has been provided as they are still being tallied and added to the previous estimation.
- Medical Bills
- Agent Michaela Avalerra of MTF-Omega 45 experienced extreme anaphylactic shock when teleported face-first into a garlic souffle.
- Nine Security officers received second-degree burns from their weapons being converted into gravy.
- Sixteen researchers had to undergo asthma breathing treatments due to contact with SCP-6945-D.
- Cleaning
- Between the 1st and 6th sieges, approximately sixty gallons of gravy were generated from sudden transmutation.
- “The Gravy Flood of the Sixth Siege” flooded the Department of MAUDE1 which is still being power washed.
- Repairs to walls and ducts from the detonation of explosives.
- Equipment replacement
- Six hundred gauss rounds, twelve bouncing ball grenades, thirteen Adamantite blades.
- An unknown amount of Mundane and Uneventful paperwork.
- An estimated 27 Mundane Artifacts have been permanently stained brown due to prolonged exposure to gravy.
John and Deborah pull their eyes up from the document.
John: Ninety…. THOUSAND?
Deborah: WHY WEREN’T WE INFORMED OF THIS?
Maria: We’ve been trying to reach you for weeks. If you would have just picked up the phone and scheduled this meeting earlier, we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Chudley: And if you would have given us the approval for an SRA in the FIRST meeting, we wouldn’t have had to go this far over budget to begin with!
John: We may have erred, yes. But you have to understand that Midwest Command has its priorities. You’ve gotten by in the past with little to no resources and now Site-78 has over twenty anomalies within its care.
John pauses.
John: You have to understand, fifteen thousand dollars for an SRA is a lot of money to grant a site of your size.
Gregory: And ninety thousand dollars isn’t? How much money in damages does our facility have to go through before you approve a fifteen thousand dollar budgetary increase for a single SRA? A million dollars? Two? Five? And what if we start having actual casualties? How many HR meetings with injured foundation staff due to YOUR negligence of funding? How many-
John: WE GET IT.
Gregory: And?
John: We, uh…
Deborah: We’ll approve the budget increase for an SRA. Some money will need to be shuffled around but we will make it work. Meeting adjourned.
Attention: A new addition to the SCP-6945 file has just been uploaded to the database. Display file?
/display
Addendum 6945.03: Capture
On 15/7/22, one Scranton Reality Anchor arrived at Site-78 which was placed inside of the Parabiological Science Department and turned on. Agents of MTF-Omega 45 were sent in the breakroom to apprehend SCP-6945. The anomaly found that its items were no longer effective, allowing for the capture and containment of the anomaly inside of a standard containment cell.
The following interview was performed by Researcher Maria Johnston following capture.
[Begin Log]
[SCP-6945 is seated in front of Researcher Johnston. A large welt can be seen on top of its bald green head.]
Maria: How are you feeling, SCP-6945? I hope you're adjusting to ruling your very own cell in our dungeon.
Johnston appears to hold back a snicker.
SCP-6945: RELEASE ME! I SHALL NOT BE AWAY FROM MY KINGDOM FOR LONG.
Maria: It was never your kingdom! It was the place where I had my lunch. You made me pay twenty bucks for my Mountain Dew Kickstart and now I'm getting my fucking refund.
SCP-6945: I SHOULD HAVE CHARGED YOU A THOUSAND GOLD, WITCH! IF IT WEREN’T FOR THAT INFERNAL MACHINE YOU USED TO DAMPEN MY POWER, YOU WOULD BE THE ONE GROVELING!
Maria: That’s what they all say. Now, if you wouldn’t mind. I have some questions for you and there’s no weaseling out of these. Got it?
SCP-6945: I DID NOT ESCAPE MY LAST REALM IN ORDER TO BE SUBJUGATED IN ANOTHER. BEGONE!
Maria: You were subjugated in your previous realm? Could you elaborate on that? What was this place called?
SCP-6945: DID YOU NOT HEAR ME? I REFUSE TO TALK TO SUCH A LOWLY-
Johnston reaches into a container by her side and pulls a cooked rat from it. She tosses it on the ground in front of SCP-6945.
Maria: Not even for fresh meat? There's more where that came from if you answer my Duchess's questions.
SCP-6945: I SUPPOSE I CAN GIVE INTO THOSE DEMANDS.
SCP-6945 picks up the rat and consumes it before speaking.
SCP-6945: I KNOW NOT OF THE NAME OF THE LAND I COME FROM. I WAS A SIMPLE SCAVENGER FOR A CRUEL ORC WARLORD. HE HAD NO RESPECT FOR HIS SUBJECTS. THIS IS WHY I CAME HERE.
Maria: But how did you get here?
SCP-6945: I KEPT MANY TRINKETS FROM MY MASTER. I HOPED ONE DAY TO FIND SOMETHING I COULD USE TO OVERTHROW HIM. BUT INSTEAD I CAME ACROSS A SCROLL ONE DAY. IT CONTAINED A SPELL THAT GRANTED IT'S READER ONE WISH. I WISHED TO BE TRANSPORTED TO A REALM WHERE I COULD BE GRANTED MY OWN KINGDOM TO RULE.
Maria: I see. But why not take pity on us as subjects? It seems to me that you were acting as cruel as your former master. Most of us can only afford to pay for that food once, y’know.
SCP-6945: BUT WHAT ABOUT POOR SCRATNECK? HOW ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO ACQUIRE MONETARY CURRENCY? I DON'T WANT TO SCAVENGE FOR OTHERS AGAIN!
Maria: Our world is a little bit different than yours. Workers have the right to 30-minute break for lunch. Something you decided to make harder for us.
SCP-6945: I MADE SKIP WORKERS SUFFER LIKE SCRATNECK?
SCP-6945 is quiet for a moment.
SCP-6945: I MAY HAVE GONE A LITTLE TOO FAR. IT MATTERS NOT NOW. I HAVE LOST MY KINGDOM.
Maria: I promise we won’t treat you as badly as your previous boss. You’ll have to be kept within this cell, we’ll make sure you have food and water. No greens right?
SCP-6945: IS THIS “CELL” AN IMPORTANT AREA?
Johnston remains silent for a moment.
Maria: …Yes. It’s the cell for SCP-6945, the most dangerous anomaly in our little kingdom. In fact, the whole world could end if he ever got out.
SCP-6945 stares into his crystal orb, implanted within the table.
SCP-6945: WELL… PERHAPS DUTCHESS RICHTER AND MYSELF COULD DRAFT A TREATY TO… ALLOW THIS CHAMBER TO CONSTITUTE MY KINGDOM. NO MORE UNJUST TAXATION ON YOUR CONSUMABLES.
Maria: Well what is a containment cell other than a room to take a break from a world that might reject you? In that way, it’s similar to your previous kingdom.
SCP-6945: I SUPPOSE THAT IS TRUE. WHEN CAN NEGOTIATIONS BEGIN?
Maria: Well, you’ve answered what questions I have. I’ll communicate to the Duchess about your treaty.
SCP-6945: RETURN TO ME WITH THE TREATY. I SHALL SIGN IT SO LONG AS THE TERMS ARE FAIR. FOR BOTH PARTIES.
Maria: Alright. Just no more gravy.