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I bet you're wondering how you got here.

You're probably asking yourself why there is green text in this document. Why is the background entirely made of squids? Why am I holding a squid? Why am I a squid foundation researcher?

Well, the answer starts with a story, and like all stories, it has a beginning…1


Artistic depiction of SCP-6700-04 derived from the Atlantic Mural in Carnegie Hall.

Item #: SCP-67002

Object Class: Thaumiel

Special Containment Procedures: Murals depicting SCP-6700 have been identified on at least one island, reef, atoll, or rock in all seven oceans, and every marginal sea. Access to these murals have been restricted to the public where possible, though murals in locations such as Carnegie Hall, the French Quarter of New Orleans, Tokyo Bay, and Saint Marks Square have proven difficult to secure. Temples, complexes, shrines, and protective enclosures around these murals have either been restored or are in the process of being restored. Religious texts containing references to SCP-6700 have been obtained and subsequently replaced by authentic replicates. All references to SCP-6700 in historical texts have been altered.

SCP-6700 must be performed on the summer and winter solstices,3 and the spring and autumn equinoxes4 on or near murals which depict it. Failure to perform SCP-6700 at a minimum of all major oceanic locations in multiple equinox/solstice cycles previously contributed to several catastrophic atmospheric phenomena across multiple historical periods. SCP-6700 should be performed with a cast of three main performers: two Finnfolk or humans identifying as female or nonbinary and one human or Finnfolk identifying as male or nonbinary.

In addition to performers, SCP-6700 requires a choir of at least seven individuals. While a minimum of seven members of the choir are needed for the successful implementation of SCP-6700, a larger choir has been found to positively impact local conditions. Instrumentation is also encouraged, but not necessary. SCP-6700 performers are provided with copies of Act 4 and subject to Class A amnestics following performance.

Each time SCP-6700 is performed a quantity of the cutest little squickie squiddies equivalent to multiples of 3, 4, 5, or 6 should be present.

You really know how to make a girl happy. All hail the くコ:彡.

Given the highly destructive nature of SCP-6700-03, the presence of non-performing observers is discouraged. The secondary anomalous effects of SCP-6700 leads to increased erosion as well as explosive population growth in marine and coastal animal and plant life. Foundation personnel are coordinating with local governments to ensure buffering of susceptible coastal ecosystems against further erosion and to enact population controls to prevent the creation of oxygen deadzones.5

SCP-6700-04 is uncontainable. Observers and performers must be prepared for deviations from SCP-6700's written script including: altered causality, type blue manifestations, long periods of standing/dancing/singing, monologues, extended narrative exposition, out of body experiences, intense esoteric experiences, vertigo, practical jokes, nausea, and increased flatulence.

Bonus and style points to Dr. Estrella, the counter whoopie cushion was great. Didn't see that one coming, and I'm semi-omniscient! Send more like her next time you want to talk, I might actually say something.

Attempts to transcribe SCP-6700 performances via standard reporting practices and clinical tone result in significant alterations to match descriptive writing styles typically associated with narrative prose. All attempts to correct these transcripts result in database reversions to narrative prose. SCP-6700-04 has taken to making changes and adding commentary to SCP-6700's documentation, prominently inline text additions/modifications and footnotes, which reappear on removal. In the interest of cooperation, no further attempts to remove SCP-6700-04's revisions will be made.

Thanks babe, promise I'm not pulling an Odysseus here. Isn't like the Foundation has an eye I can poke out, and then abscond with their sheep. Wait…

Description: SCP-6700 is a music-based religious ritual previously practiced in varying forms by both major and obscure non-Abrahamic faiths. More specifically, SCP-6700 is a seasonal celebration of an unknown deific figure a deific figure that was previously unknown. (See Transcribed Performance Log SCP-6700-TP-703).6

SCP-6700 depicts a partially fictionalized version of two events primarily significant to the Finnfolk,7,8 which had entered the cultural lexicon of human polytheistic and monotheistic faiths by 2000 B.C. Three acts of SCP-6700 focus on 'The Great Sealing War.'9(See SCP-6700-Structure-01). The fourth act of SCP-6700 focuses on "The Great Reawakening War."10 (See SCP-6700-Structure-01). SCP-6700's primary anomalous properties begin at the start of each performance and directly affect its actors.

Performance focuses primarily around three actors who, for the duration of SCP-6700, experience temporary anomalous alterations to their appearance and personality to match the part they are playing, thus becoming SCP-6700-01, SCP-6700-02, and SCP-6700-03. SCP-6700-01 is a historical figure, Triemedes "The Uniter" Aquailian, Warrior Queen of the Finnfolk.11 SCP-6700-02 has no given name in historical texts/records, and is instead referred to by several epithets in Greco-Roman, Chinese, Japanese, Indonesian, Hindu, and Orcadian sources for SCP-6700.12 SCP-6700-03 is a right bastard of a male deific figure, believed to be ███-███-██.13 SCP-6700-03 is highly destructive, often resulting in physical damage to surrounding structures during performance, and has caused grievous injuries to observers during previous performances.

Addition of supporting roles is currently approved in certain locations due to the enhanced positive impact that these additions have on manifestation of secondary anomalous effects.

When all conditions are met at the start of a performance, SCP-6700 results in the manifestation of SCP-6700-04. SCP-6700-04 is a feminine human figure, with four yellow eyes, red hair, and blue, green, and teal decorative tattoos across her entire body. SCP-6700-04 interacts with the performative elements of SCP-6700 as if she were an actor that would make the likes of Shakespeare blush in his pantaloons, is capable of causing physical changes to causality,14 and has a tendency to pause or disrupt SCP-6700 performances to preferentially interact with Finnfolk and SCP Foundation observers. SCP-6700-04 is believed to be responsible for SCP-6700's anomalous properties, but confirmation has been difficult. In previous interactions where she has chosen to directly address observers, SCP-6700-04 either avoids giving answers to esoteric and qualitative questions about her nature or answers them with vague and contradictory statements.

Eh. I don't know, I just don't enjoy answering questions from someone who has no reaction or sense of humor. I think of it like being, too professional. It's far more fun for me to see the wrinkled brows, or screams of existential terror. Maybe one day you'll send in someone who can actually, you know, be worth the effort for answering questions, but this ain't it chief.

Murals of SCP-6700 depict Me! In all my glory, cradling the earth with so many arms. Pats arm. SCP-6700-01 and SCP-6700-02 flank her on either side. SCP-6700-0315 stands across a body of water from SCP-6700-04 with storm clouds behind him.

SCP-6700's secondary anomalous properties manifest at the start of a performance and expand outwards if the performance meets certain conditions. Successfully achieving performance conditions results in the following effects, which last for 90 days:

  • Dispersal of storm conditions, even during typhoons and hurricanes.
  • Calmer seas.
  • Rapid proliferation of wildlife in the sea, ocean, or coastal areas, requiring careful management to avoid overpopulation and creation of oxygen deadzones.16
  • Increased crop yields in coastal regions.
  • Slower spread of pathogens among coastal populations.
  • Increased erosion of coastlines requiring careful management and buffering of vulnerable ecosystems and landmasses such as islands with sand and dirt barriers.

Failure to perform SCP-6700 greatly increases the risk of exacerbated natural phenomena, ranging from coastal famines and outbreaks of pathogenic disease, to higher incidence of severe atmospheric phenomena. A significant proportion of 16th–20th century cyclonic systems and great storms are believed to have been significantly intensified by failures to perform SCP-6700.

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