rating: +169+x

The acquisition of sufficient D-Class Personnel has plagued our organization — both practically and morally — since its conception.

Our pursuit of a labour force capable of Securely undertaking research initiatives, Containing anomalous threats, and Protecting humanity has led us to be complacent in atrocities: perpetuating an unfair criminal justice system, exploiting those most in need of societal support, and refusing to acknowledge the most basic principles of human rights and liberty.

We have done this because there was no other choice.

This is no longer the case; from this day forward, our Foundation will no longer drag innocent souls into the dark with us — they will remain free in the light.

We have a new approach.

It's very ethical.

Vanessa Woodford,
Ethics Committee — Acquisitions Representative.

Item#: SCP-6269
Containment Class:
Secondary Class:
Disruption Class:
Risk Class:

SCP-6269 Control Room D-76F-32B.

Site-77-Prime,-SubPrime. Acquisitions, Engineering, Human Resources.
-Prime,-SubPrime; Others (for Acquisitions). Dir. G Greeboni, Evan Pereira, Janice Reilly, 7,300+ other assigned personnel.

I've heard some folk asking "how do we know that SCP-6269 is ethical?" Well, I'm going to take a moment to allay any such, unnecessary, concerns.

In the entire multiverse, the SCP Foundation-PRIME is the only iteration of the SCP Foundation to operate SCP-6269; no equivalent project exists in any other universe. This implies that every other SCP Foundation resides in a less ethical universe because they have not developed SCP-6269 for their own ethical acquisition of D-Class personnel. Therefore, using SCP-6269 to acquire D-Class from those non-Prime universes is entirely ethical, as any non-Prime individual resides in a less ethical universe than their -Prime Universe counterpart.

I hope this explains it. If anyone has any further hesitations, they're welcome to request permission to view SCP-6269 in operation, to see how ethical it is themselves.

Your friend,
Vanessa Woodford,
Ethics Committee — Acquisitions Representative.



The following log includes a selection of SCP-6269's recorded acquisitions. The full Acquisitions Log is available upon request.

ACQUISITION(S): D-114239, D-453234

NOTES: D-453234 witnessed the retrieval of D-114239, noting the comfortable grip of SCP-6269-CLAW and the ethical nature with which he was acquired. During routine post-acquisition surveillance, it was noted that D-453234 had been shouting requests for acquisition through SCP-6269-HOLE.

During a post-acquisition interview, D-453234 reported that he was content in the manner – and ethicality – of his acquisition. Additionally, he reported that his back pain had subsided after acquisition..This was deemed tangential to the role of SCP-6269, but well within ethical grounds.

ACQUISITION(S): D-234765, D-173524, D-653458, et. al.

NOTES: Fifteen D-Class personnel were retrieved from SCP-6269-HOLE to test the carrying capacity of SCP-6269-CLAW. All D-Class present reported no significant discomfort to Foundation personnel, with monitoring devices only detecting a minor heart-rate elevation from D-173452 during acquisition, caused by his apparent surprise at the ethicality of SCP-6269's operation.

The operator was lauded for their cost-efficiency, however it is not recommended that this maneuver be attempted by most operators, due to the difficulty associated with safely and ethically grabbing fifteen personnel at once.

ACQUISITION(S): N/A (previously 1 male American bulldog).Temporarily Designated D-101: Dog-Class Personnel.

NOTES: In response to decreased worker morale, SCP-6269 was used to acquire 1 male American bulldog after a -CLAW operator located a spare quarter underneath the cockpit. Worker morale was boosted temporarily until Dir. Greeboni returned the bulldog to AU-467845-A.

Foundation personnel were reminded by Dir. Greeboni that returning the bulldog to its previous owner was the most ethical decision; worker morale appears to be boosted significantly.

ACQUISITION(S): 2019 Nissan Sentra (Previously D-234523)

NOTES: Minor difficulty with retrieving acquisition was reported by -SCREEN operators due to the limited size of -HOLE.

The issue was resolved once -HOLE was expanded. Item was requisitioned by Dir. Greeboni for the ethical transportation of personnel essential for the continued operation of SCP-6269.

NOTES: While attempting to acquire D-345731, SCP-6269 halted all operations for nearly 2 hours as the supply of funds was briefly interrupted due to a logistical error. While D-345731 was later retrieved, further SCP-6269 operations will be suspended until an efficient, ethical, and reliable method of delivering funds is determined.
ACQUISITION(S): Roll of quarters — USD$
NOTES: Funding issue resolved.

SCP-6269 — INCIDENT: 001


SITUATION: Following acquisition #7203244, Operator Angelica Spear reported "whirring noises" coming from SCP-6269-CLAW. Operator Spear spent several hours attempting to locate the source of the noise, without success. The following acquisition logs detail Operator Spear’s creative attempts to solve the first issue to have beset SCP-6269 since operation began.

NOTES: Immediately following Acquisition 7203244, Operator Spear retrieved an iteration of themselves, presumably with the intention to fix the noise emanating from the machine. As SCP-6269 was not present in their universe, D-763547 was unable to provide meaningful insight, and the acquisition proceeded as normal.
UNIVERSE: AU-234897-A, AU-234897-B, 10 entries omitted.
ACQUISITION(S): D-876452, D-876453, 10 entries omitted.

NOTES: Operator Spear picked out 12 iterations of themself, prioritizing universes where iterations had any meaningful background working with heavy machinery..While the operation of SCP-6269 is restricted to certified operators only, the acquisition of alternate versions of oneself is considered ethical as long as non-Prime individuals act as consultants. After successfully explaining the situation, all 12 iterations of Angelica Spear brainstormed a viable solution. The application of WD-40 to SCP-6269-CLAW was deemed the most ethical solution.

Following the resolution of the issue, all non-Prime iterations of Operator Spear were assigned as D-Class personnel as per standard acquisition protocol.

RESOLUTION: Following Operator Spear’s quick thinking, Issue 001 was resolved, and application of WD-40 was appended to SCP-6269’s containment protocols.

SCP-6269 — INCIDENT: 002


SITUATION: During a routine sweep, SCP Foundation-Prime webcrawlers identified an account on the social media platform Twitter that had been routinely sharing covert information regarding the existence of SCP-6269. This account: @mcm_worker — detailed the operational capacities of SCP-6269, its employment for the acquisition of D-Class Personnel, and the personal information of technicians and operators assigned to SCP-6269. Due to the strict confidentiality clauses laid out in the DotMCM:EATM, it was assumed that these 'tweets' were not produced by any personnel within the Department of Acquisitions; as such, the most likely explanation was the complex machinery composing SCP-6269 had become self-aware.

NORMALCY-THREATENING CONTENT: The following are a selection of 'tweets' shared by @mcm_worker:

We grab them so gently. With a very tender grip. To keep things ethical.

10:14 PM · Jan 9, 2022 · Twitter for Android

Running out of quarters for today

6:58 PM · Jan 9, 2022 · Twitter for Android

you-prime will never get taken by the Claw. so if u get taken by the Claw, u aren't you-prime

2:17 PM · Jan 15, 2022 · Twitter for Android

RESPONSE: To determine the cause of this data-security breach, a full examination of SCP-6269's physical and digital systems was undertaken, and the social media account of @mcm_worker taken down. However, due to the intensive process of examining SCP-6269's components within -SubPrime and the potential for the continued distribution of normalcy-threatening content, the acquisition of a specialist was approved as an additional emergency response measure.


ACQUISITION(S): Dir. Place H. MD., PhD.-OG_CaN43..Dir. Place H. MD., PhD.-Prime had been instrumental in the construction of SCP-6269-HOLE, but inadvertently fell into the aperture while demonstrating the insufficiency of the safety railings. His current whereabouts remain unknown.

LOCATION: Acquisition Retrieval Area - Site-77-Prime


  • Dir. G Greeboni,
  • Dir. Place H. MD., PhD.-OG_CaN43,
  • Operator Evan Pereira.

FOREWORD: Following the acquisition of Dir. Place H. MD., PhD.-OG_CaN43, Dir. G Greeboni questioned the individual on a potential response to the current condition of SCP-6269.


Dir. Place H.: What the hell, where am I?! Hey, someone let me down from this thing!

Dir. Greeboni: No can do. The DotMCM:EATM states we aren't allowed to do that until we're certain the acquisition was successful. This is Dir. Place H., I assume?

Dir. Place H.: The… acquisition? Wait how is this thing holding me like this? It's only got, what, two prongs?!

Dir. Greeboni: Put him down, Evan; good work there with the claw, by the way.

Evan: Thanks!

Dir. Greeboni: Okay, Dir. Place H., welcome to universe-Prime—

Dir. Place H.: "Universe-Prime?" Isn't that a little egotistical of you guys?

Dir. Greeboni: I don't make the names. Speaking of though, mine is Dir. Greeboni, and that's Evan over there.

Evan: Hi. Thanks for leaving your food on the table when we grabbed you, it can make a mess going through the universe hole.

Dir. Place H.: The wha—

Dir. Greeboni: Let's cut to the chase, alright? We brought you here because we need your help. It's the first time we've done something like this, but we're pretty sure it's all ethical, so no worries.

Dir. Greeboni: Anyway, we've been watching you through the monitor, and of all the Dir. Place H.-s out there, you're the most impressive we've come across.

Evan: Loved seeing that thing you did with the machine!

Dir. Greeboni: That's enough, Evan. We need to stay focused. [Pause] As I was saying, you've already been introduced to SCP-6269-CLAW. It's apart of a complex eigenmachine developed by the SCP Foundation-Prime that's recently—

Dir. Place H.: Started to do weird, unexpected things?

Evan: Yeah! How did you know?

Dir. Place. H: Call it a hunch. So what, is it unravelling the fabric of reality? Creating new meta-narrative layers? Maybe expanding into a new axis of time?

Dir. Greeboni: Not exactly. It's tweeting.

Dir. Place. H: Tweeting? Like… Twitter tweeting?

Dir. Greeboni: Precisely. We're working through a complete diagnosis. Our most likely assumption is the machine's become sentient, but we've yet to locate where that intelligence has become centralized or how it's accessing the internet.

Dir. Place. H.: Wait, how do you know it's SCP-6269? Have you reviewed the internet access of your personnel?

Dir. Greeboni: Well, that would be pretty unethical wouldn't it?

Dir. Place. H.: …no?

Dir. Greeboni: Hm… you're right. Actually, I'm pretty sure the DotMCM:EATM does mention something about that—

Dir Place. H.: The what?

Dir. Greeboni: —I'll have to go get my copy.

Dir. Place. H.: Okay… sure, whatever. Look, are we done here? Cause I'd really like to go back now.

Dir. Greeboni: Go back where? Evan, proceed with the acquisition.


AFTERWORD: Dir. Place H. was designated D-Class Personnel #7362HA61. A review of employee internet access and usage was debated by the Acquisitions Department and determined to be ethical.


SCP-6269 Operator, Evan Pereira utilizing a component of SCP-6269-SCREEN.



FOREWORD: Following a review of on-site internet usage and activity logs, the identity behind the @mcm_worker account was identified, and an interview was held between them and Director Greeboni. In accordance with the DotMCM:EATM, the employee was afforded anonymity in records during the investigation, and is identified in the following log as “Bluebird.”


Bluebird: So you have a problem with me?

Dir. Greeboni: Bluebird, we don’t have a problem with you. We have a problem with your social media… habits.

Bluebird: I’ve been reaching all my targets this month. So what if I spend my downtime on my phone? The DotMCM:EATM cites enjoying downtime as an important facet of employee mental health.

Dir. Greeboni: I should have been more specific. The Department has a problem with your Twitter account. You’re posting confidential information about SCP-6269 online. It’s not appropriate.

Bluebird: Dude I’m literally just hanging out on there. People like hearing about it. They think it’s neat.

Dir. Greeboni: Frankly, the opinion of outsiders isn’t a major concern for the Department. The fact that they even have an opinion is.

Bluebird: Alright, well, have it your way. But I’ve been keeping track of anyone who supports the Claw, anyone who understands just how ethical it is. Everyone who follows me loves the Claw. Take a look at this and tell me what I’m doing is a “Harmful Breach of Confidentiality” as defined in Section 2B of Chapter 12 in the DotMCM:EATM.

Bluebird slides their phone, unlocked, across the table.

Dir. Greeboni: Are you really citing my own manual to me? I know what’s defined as– wait. You only have twenty followers?

Bluebird: Yeah, not bad, huh? Got them all in only a month.

Dir. Greeboni: That’s… that’s not even a single crate’s worth of amnestics.

Bluebird: Well there’s no need to be rude. Twitter’s a hard place to build a following for a guy like me.

Dir. Greeboni: I apologize, I wasn’t trying to be rude. I’m just shocked. This was reported to me as a massive breach of security. I recognize more than half of these names from inside this department!

Bluebird: Yeah, some of my friends here like to hear my thoughts on what we do. They say I have a “unique way of seeing the world,” which is pretty cool, I think.

Dir. Greeboni: Well. This certainly changes things. I came in here expecting to have to shut the account down and ethically fire you. I was even considering termination.

Bluebird: I’m sure you’re aware that Section 1L of Chapter 12 in the DotMCM:EATM specifically and ethically prevents, except in cases where unethical events have occurred, the restriction of the social media activities of employees.

Dir. Greeboni: I’m aware. That’s my point; there’s no breach of ethical guidelines here. There’s hardly any suspect activity to speak of, this is a drop in the ocean! How amenable would you be to something of a compromise?

Bluebird: What do you have in mind?


AFTERWORD: During the subsequent discussions between Director Greeboni and Bluebird, it was deemed permissible for the @mcm_worker account to remain active. However, this was permitted with the following caveats:

  • The account be made private, thus accessible only to whitelisted employees of the SCP Foundation. [ENACTED]
  • All non-Foundation users whose accounts came into contact with the @mcm_worker account be located and amnesticised. [ENACTED]
  • The content of the account be exhaustively scoured for unethical material. [ENACTED].During this investigation it was found that, due to the focus on the topic of SCP-6269, no such material had existed on the account since its inception.

A follow-up report identified that this intervention was successful; no mentions of machinery similar to SCP-6269 have been found online, and employee morale was found to be ethically augmented by the existence of the account.

There are those who look upon the grandest works of our Foundation, and see only the propensity for failure. They conceive of our greatest achievements, our noblest pursuits, as expressions of our hubris; they foretell our impending doom.

But there are no gods to punish us for ascending beyond our station. We will not let others dictate our limitations upon pen and paper. Nor shall we cower to the beast that screams 'be not.'

We are not an organization of myth and impulse — We are built upon sound principles: a stable bedrock on which society can endure. We know our worth in adherence to the ethics which govern our conduct and hold us responsible, in trust to society and humanity.

Thus, should it truly come as a surprise that sometimes we get it right?



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