[Dr. Lillihammer powers on her laptop. She is sitting in her living quarters at her personal desk. She sips from a coffee mug as she logs into the webportal provided by GOI-5889’s registration process. As the session initiates, Dr. Lillihammer demanifests from her living quarters and appears in a brightly lit conference center.]
Lillihammer: What in the fu–
[Dr. Lillihammer drops her cup of coffee, which shatters on the floor. Dr. William Wettle manifests next to her just in time to have the coffee splash over his slacks.]
Wettle: Son of a bi– Lillian?
Lillihammer: Wettle? What are you doing here? Also, what happened?
Wettle: I got an invitation to join in on a webinar for media literacy and then boom, here I am having your coffee splashed all over me.
Lillihammer: Focus, Wettle. We were just nabbed from the Site under unknown anomalous means.
Unknown individual: Hello! Drs. Wettle and Lillihammer, so nice to finally meet you!
[A female humanoid entity approaches the two researchers. The entity is dressed in a navy blue skirt suit with bright yellow tie, and has a bloody bandage wrapped around the top 50% of her head, covering her eyes and nose. Dirty red hair can be seen slipping out of the bandage and hanging roughly to her shoulders. The suit is immaculate except for droplets of blood on the lapels.]
Unknown individual: [Shaking Wettle’s hand vigorously.] I’m Mari MacPhaerson, we chatted over email. Welcome!
[Lillihammer takes a step back from the entity.]
MacPhaerson: What’s wrong? You did sign up for the seminar, right?
Lillihammer: You seem to be bleeding.
MacPhaerson: That’s just my excited face! We’re so glad you’ve come. Please step up to the registration table with the other attendees and get your name tags!
[The entity turns away to speak with someone else, who darts around her with a wide-eyed look and heads towards the registration table on the other side of the hall.]
MacPhaerson: Does my soul good to see the enthusiasm for media literacy! Okay, you two have fun! I’ll be wanting to hear what you think during the breakout sessions!
[Lillihammer turns to Wettle.]
Lillihammer: I don’t have the faintest clue how we got brought here, and it’s pissing me off. But the thing I don't get most of all? Why the hell are you here, Wettle?
Wettle: Are you kidding? What's more relevant to media than replication?
[Lillihammer groans audibly.]
Wettle: What now?
Lillihammer: I just hate it when you're right. It happens so rarely; I never see it coming.
[Lillihammer and Wettle spend approximately ten minutes trying to secure an exit from the building, but cannot find any doors or windows that lead to the exterior. Given the lack of available exits, the researchers decide to sit in on the seminars.]
Lillihammer: It just occurred to me that you intentionally signed up for a VKTM seminar without official approval. You imbecile.
Wettle: [Mumbling.] I skimmed the email.
[Extraneous fifteen minutes cut for brevity, in which Lillihammer and Wettle go through the registration table and are shown to the first session’s meeting room. The first brief meeting outlines the roadmap for the seminars during the day; said roadmap is recreated below.]
[The following is an abridged transcript the sessions provided. Only those sections relevant to the anomaly have been included with this file.]
THEORY: Authors and Audiences
[The conference room is lit by fluorescent bulbs and populated with over fifty other attendees, each with a name tag and sitting in a folding plastic chair. At the front of the room is a stage with podium. The presenter walks up behind the podium and adjusts the microphone. He is a male humanoid of advanced age with lightly purple hued skin. His voice is strong but metallic. He has no nose, but instead an empty cavity.]
Presenter-Alpha: My name is Rodolfo “Boots” Gorsach. No, you may not call me “Boots.” I am here to discuss the first of today’s seminars: Authors and Audiences.
Lillihammer: [Speaking sotto voce.] Jesus, he’s a barrel of laughs.
Wettle: [Normal volume.] I don’t know, I like him.
[A woman in front of the two researchers turns around to “shhh” Wettle. Lillihammer covers her mouth to laugh.]
Presenter-Alpha: Please no talking, it’s rude.
Lillihammer: Yeah, Wettle.
Wettle: What is this, high school? I’m a doctor!
Presenter-Alpha: Are you two quite finished? Or perhaps you would like to give the presentation?
[Neither researcher says anything.]
Presenter-Alpha: Thank you. Hmmmmm. Where was I? Ah, so, the central concept at play here is the vast difference between those who make media and those who consume it. Authors design the content, audiences consume it. Easy right? Well, there’s more to it. If you want to consume media intelligently – or create media with the intent of it being consumed intelligently – the art is important. What do I mean by art? I mean the coding and implanting of meaning in your media, of course. It can get messy.
[Lillihammer raises her hand.]
Presenter-Alpha: What? Usually questions are for the end, young lady.
Lillihammer: Apologies, Mr. Gorsach, but when you say “messy” what do you mean?
Presenter-Alpha: What do I mean? All the viscera, obviously! Now, can I continue? Please hold any further questions to the end.
THEORY: Messages and Meanings
[This session’s presenter is a large female entity, height estimated at just under three meters. She is wearing a white-on-white three piece suit. Her voice is quiet but melodic, speech often echoed with a sound matching that of an 1874 Stradivarius violin being plucked. She introduces herself as Herbacious Willoughby.]
Presenter-Beta: Meaning is easy: what the author intends the media to say, and how it could be interpreted. We don’t really need to belabor that point I think. Now, the important thing to understand about messages is that the medium matters. What form is your media taking? A novel, a radio show, a dark ritual of Saranür, a podcast, a film – each has its own positives and negatives regarding the communication of the meaning you as media providers will intend.
[Wettle clears his throat and just starts speaking at a loud volume.]
Wettle: What was that middle one you mentioned?
Presenter-Beta: Radio show. I know, it’s a wonder to all of us that people still listen to radio. I’m not surprised you forgot it exists. Moving right along.
THEORY: Representations and Reality
[The presenter of this session is a quadrupedal entity resembling a moose with stark gray fur from the neck down. Instead of a typical head, the entity has three screens on articulated arms that continually flash through various images. The presenter’s voice is an 87.89% match to that of deceased TV host Regis Philbin. The entity does not provide a name.]
Presenter-Gamma: NOW LISTEN HERE! REPRESENTATION IS THE WAY YOU FRAME THE MEDIA IN QUESTION. PRODUCTION QUALITY, VECTOR, LENGTH, STAR POWER, WRITING – ALL THESE THINGS MAKE UP REPRESENTATION. IT’S THE BOW AND WRAPPING PAPER YOU PUT ON A GIFT FOR YOUR SWEETIE ON SAMHAIN.
[Presenter-Gamma proceeds to cough for twelve minutes. During this period the images on entity's screens depict war, disease, poverty, and common violence.]
Wettle: Jeez, someone get him a lozenge.
Lillihammer: Where would you put it?
Presenter-Gamma: EXCUSE ME, MY ALLERGIES HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE ALL WEEK. NOW WHERE WAS I? AH YES, WHEREAS REALITY IS WHAT THE MEDIA IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO IMPART. TAKE A CAR COMMERCIAL OR ADVERT FOR HEALTH INSURANCE COMMUNICATING THE JOYS IN LIFE, THAT IS THE REPRESENTATION. THE REALITY IS, THEY WANT YOU TO BUY A THING.
[Lillihammer and Wettle are in a cafeteria, sitting at a round table with food in front of them. Surrounding them are other attendees at other tables. Several of the individuals seen on Lillihammer’s body camera look emotionally distressed, many are not eating. One woman wearing a white blazer and pencil skirt is rocking herself back and forth. She has a nametag that reads “Ainsley Earhardt.”]
Lillihammer: I can’t believe you’re eating that.
[Wettle is mechanically eating the meal in front of him: ham sandwich on rye with avocado and a bag of chips.]
Wettle: I’m hungry, Lillian.
Lillihammer: Look where we are, I’m not eating a thing here. Besides, Grimm Countenance Protocol strictly prohibits the consumption of food while in an unknown extradimensional space.
Wettle: I notice you’re not holding back from drinking the coffee.
Lillihammer: I’m not a monster. It’s arabica.
[Wettle nearly falls from his seat as a loud voice starts speaking behind him.]
MacPhaerson: Oh, I’m so glad you like the food, William! I had it flown in from my favorite place in Philly. [The entity turns to Lillihammer.] Not hungry, Lillian?
Lillihammer: No, I’m fine. Just coffee for me.
MacPhaerson: There are vegan and vegetarian options, if you prefer? I want you to have a good time!
[MacPhaerson leans over the table as she’s speaking to Lillihammer. Some blood droplets fall from her bandages and land on Wettle’s sandwich.]
Lillihammer: No, thank you though. Actually, I have a question, if you don’t mind?
MacPhaerson: Of course I don’t mind! That’s what I’m here for.
Lillihammer: What is it you people are trying to do here? Like, what’s the purpose of kidnapping fifty something professionals to attend a seminar in an undisclosed location?
MacPhaerson: Hmmm, people… Oh! You mean Vikander-Kneed! People, right. We’re people. Um, our goal is to increase media literacy, of course. It’s all part of the Better TomorrowTM.
Lillihammer: Right. Well, then how about this? Who are the other attendees?
MacPhaerson: Academics, professionals in the advertising and media production industry, cultists, and many more! You should introduce yourselves, you never know when some networking could lead to a new connection!
[MacPhaerson moves on to another table. Wettle is staring at the drops of blood on his sandwich.]
Lillihammer: Still hungry, Willie?
[Wettle groans and pushes his plate away from him.]
APPLICATION: Making Media that Matters
[Gorsach has returned to present for this session. Occasionally he pulls a bottle of Coca-Cola brand soft drink to his nose cavity and pours some inside. Every time he does this he makes a noise that is interpreted to represent pleasure.]
Presenter-Alpha: Now for the good stuff. How do we make media that matters? See, the question I’m asking is, how do we make sure your media is content that makes an impact on the community? Well, lemme tell you, it’s not simple… first you–
[The remainder of this session’s recording has been redacted for fear of memetic corruption and for reasons of good taste.]
[Approximately one hour passes. Wettle and Lillihammer exit the conference room. Her breathing and heartrate are elevated; it is clear she has been crying. She rubs at her eyes. Wettle stops by a trash can to vomit.]
APPLICATION: Audience Engagement
[This session’s presenters are Presenter-Gamma and an entity consisting of a shower of sparks in the shape of a human male. It is introduced as Javier Karnellian.]
Presenter-Gamma: WE’VE COVERED THE BASICS BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE ALL REALLY HERE FOR: “HOW DO WE GET THE AUDIENCE TO ENGAGE WITH THE MEDIA?” I’LL TELL YOU, THERE’S NO ONE BETTER TO SPEAK ON THAT SUBJECT THAN MY FRIEND, JAVIER. TAKE IT AWAY.
Presenter-Epsilon: [Static and the sounds of screeching metal for three minutes.]
Presenter-Gamma: EXACTLY, MEMETICS! IF YOU WANT YOUR AUDIENCE TO ENGAGE WITH WHATEVER MEDIA YOU’RE SLINGING, YOU GOTTA ENCODE THAT SUCKER WITH A MEMETIC VIRUS. IN THIS DAY AND AGE OF TWITTER AND TIKTOK, PEOPLE ONLY SEEM TO CONSUME IN SMALL BURSTS OF ATTENTION. SO, YOU GOTTA WORM YOUR WAY INTO THEIR HEADS AND GET THEM TO SPREAD THAT ENGAGEMENT LIKE THE MEMETIC VECTORS THEY’VE BEEN TRAINED TO BE THEIR WHOLE LIVES.
Presenter-Epsilon: [Cacophonous explosions, reminiscent of a fireworks display persist for ninety-six seconds.]
Presenter-Gamma: OF COURSE, ALWAYS MEME RESPONSIBLY. WE’RE NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF SCORCHING BRAIN PANS AFTER ALL! [Entity laughs loudly.]
[Presenter-Gamma coughs for thirty seconds.]
Presenter-Epsilon: [Wailing and more screeching metal sounds for twenty-two seconds.]
Presenter-Gamma: NO NO, I’M ALRIGHT. JUST THESE DAMN ALLERGIES. ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, YOU CAN’T TRUST THE AUDIENCE TO GET OBSESSIVELY INVESTED IN YOUR MEDIA AS EASY AS IT WAS IN THE OLD DAYS. THIS ISN’T CHARITY, RIGHT? THIS IS ABOUT SELLING PRODUCTS. SO, TRUST ME WHEN I SAY, PUT AN INFECTIOUS MEMETIC CENTER INTO WHATEVER YOUR MEDIA IS, THAT’S THE TICKET.
APPLICATION: Reading Between the Lines
[Herbacious Willoughby makes a return as presenter for the final session.]
Presenter-Beta: So, in conclusion, the important thing to realize is if you’re injecting code and compulsions into your media then Disney is certainly doing it too. What, you think the Marvel movies are reinforcing the military industrial complex and making heroes outta billionaires because the source material says so? Media is there to communicate ideas, and the best way for someone to do that is to encode that media with a forced compulsion to the audience to do what they want.
[Willoughby takes a sip of water and gargles for thirty seconds.]
Presenter-Beta: You gotta be on your guard when you’re checking out the competition. You don’t want that memetic cluster you spent weeks – and literal pints of blood – on for that Viagra commercial to get mixed up with Warner’s new compulsion to start a cannibalistic cell of Randian philosophy just because you weren’t paying attention. Cross pollination of media memetics is dangerous stuff, just look at the Kardashians! They haven’t finished picking out the viscera from the crater and it’s been almost six months.
