SCP-5906
rating: +34+x

Item #: SCP-5906

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Online web crawlers are to monitor for instances of SCP-5906, and remove them from public view. Amnestics are to be appropriately distributed to anyone that viewed an instance. Several copies of SCP-5906 are to be kept in secure video storage.

Description: SCP-5906 is an instructional video guide titled "How to perfectly kiss vertically". It randomly manifests on various websites able to support video content. All are labeled as being from an individual or possibly a group of individuals called "XOXO". Efforts to trace them have been unsuccessful.

SCP-5906 explains to viewers how to kiss their romantic partners at a perfectly vertical angle by mutilation of their faces. Particularly, it advocates for the removal of a subject's nose. The guide often manifests with English audio, but it has been found dubbed in French, Korean, Chinese, and Japanese.

No severe compulsive effects are present in those that view SCP-5906, but all subjects express a sense of enlightenment from direct exposure to it. A few have stated they are also willing to follow SCP-5906's instructions. All subjects fail to recognize the disturbing and dangerous nature of the procedure when informed. Affected individuals cannot spread SCP-5906's anomalous influence, and amnestics are able to treat exposure. The only way to know SCP-5906's contents without being affected by it is through audio, and transcripts of it; see Addendum 02.

On 03/12/16, SCP-5906 came to the Foundation's attention when a young couple living in Tokyo, Japan were hospitalized. Subjects had disfigured their faces, and were suffering from shock and blood loss. They reported the cause of their actions to be SCP-5906, which they had viewed online. Several officers of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department were exposed to SCP-5906. Foundation agents stationed in Tokyo were deployed, and enacted containment procedures. An interview with one of the hospitalized couple was performed; see Addendum 01.

Addendum 01: Interview Log

Interview Log 5906

Interviewer: Agent Akari Sato

Interviewed: Jiro Miyazaki

Foreword: The subject had exited from surgery, and was later conscious enough to be questioned by Agent Sato while under sedation. Both spoke the Tokyo dialect of Japanese for the duration of the interview.

[BEGIN LOG]

Agent Sato: Miyazaki-san, can you hear me?

Miyazaki: Yes.

Agent Sato: Excellent. I like to ask you a few questions, Miyazaki-san. Is that okay?

Miyazaki: Manami… [NOTE: Name of the subject's romantic partner. At the time, she was in critical condition, and was being operated on.]

Agent Sato: She's fine. Don't worry about her. Please focus on answering my questions for now. Why did you two do this to yourselves?

Miyazaki: Not… a bad idea.

Agent Sato: Explain to me what do you mean?

Miyazaki: Seemed more… romantic. It felt right.

Agent Sato: What made it romantic?

Miyazaki: For us to (Takes a large breath) love each other aligned.

Agent Sato: Aligned? I am not sure if I follow you.

Miyazaki: Whole in place. No crookedness. Pure.

Agent Sato: What is in place?

Miyazaki: Our lips. Hers was so sweet. Sweeter than before… Cursed noses.

Agent Sato: What about noses?

Miyazaki: Cursed things that bind us from really loving.

Agent Sato: Is this conviction formed from the video you watched?

Miyazaki: Yes. It was filled with loving truth.

Agent Sato: (Sighs) We will have to see about that.

Miyazaki: Manami?

Agent Sato: Again, she is doing fine.

Miyazaki: Can I see her?

Agent Sato: Not at this time but you will soon. Thank you for speaking with me. I will leave you to rest.

Miyazaki: Wait, if you see her, tell her I can't wait to see her face again.

Agent Sato: I will be sure to tell her.

[END LOG]

Afterword: Agent Sato was going to interview the subject's significant other, Manami Shimakura, but she had expired due to a subarachnoid hemorrhage. Cover story of the couples' injuries was labeled to be the result of a car accident.

Addendum 02: Transcript of SCP-5906's contents.

VIDEO LOG


[BEGIN LOG]

Title card is presented, stating "XOXO proudly presents: How to perfectly kiss vertically" in red colored font.

Video cuts to a man and a woman in formal attire. Both appear to be of Asian descent, and in their twenties. They have not been able to be identified. The two are seated on a red couch with a table in front of them that is partially out of the frame. The man begins to speak directly at the camera.

Unknown Male: Hello everyone. Today, we are going to show you XOXO's1 guide on how to perfectly kiss your spouse vertically. This is a whole new level to have in a romantic relationship since our nose hinders us from it.

Unknown Male: Let me ask you this. Have you ever felt cheated that you had to crook your head to the side to kiss your significant other because of your nose? It's like crooking your heart. It's an unnecessary obstacle just to show a loved one affection. It's worse if you have a large nose.

Unknown Male: In this guide, we will demonstrate the removal of our nasally bondage. It is the ultimate release and aphrodisiac.

Unknown Female: Sure is!

Unknown Male: First step, get something sharp to use. (Reaches to the table and is now holding a pair of long scissors.) Any blade will do but scissors are recommended.

Woman reaches to the table to acquire scissors herself. She continuously smiles at the camera.

Unknown Male: Scissors are perfect since they have two blades for two holes for you to insert them (Lifts nose up to show off nostrils). Other than scissors, you could use the claw of a hammer or even a sharp pencil if you lack a good blade. Once you have something, you can attempt removal.

Both individuals raise the scissors up to their faces. The male places the blades into his nostrils before continuing to speak.

Unknown Male: Some quick trivia. Did you know studies have found the nose to be the primary cause for all troubles in a relationship? That means without a nose, there would be less to no heartbreak in the world. 10 out 10 people agree. Studies have also found that tilting your head for a kiss does in fact crook the soul. It is also like crossing your fingers during a promise. Anyway, let us resume the guide.

The man jams the scissors further up his nostrils. Blood can be seen leaking out. The woman places her nose between the blades of the scissor.

Unknown Male: I almost forgot. You will have a bit of a small nosebleed, but once that nose is gone you will never have to worry about that ever again. Have some tissues nearby just in case. Now, closely watch us.

The two proceed to remove their noses. They pull at the top of their noses as they cut it. Blood begins to stream down their faces. Subjects do not display any pain responses and perform the procedure without pausing.

Upon completion, the subjects throw their severed noses onto the table. Male begins to talk but partially struggles due to blood flowing over his mouth. Woman is smiling at the camera.

Unknown Male: Wow, such a release. I feel like a new man (Chuckles).

Unknown Female: You have a bit dangling there. (Points at a small piece of the upper cartilage that is hanging from the male subject.)

Unknown Male: I will trim it later. (To the camera) Now we will demonstrate the kiss. This is what it looks like to kiss vertically without that pesky nose.

The two subjects proceed to kiss each other, smearing blood around their mouths. They press hard on each others' faces. Subjects cease and look at the camera.

Unknown Male: See how nice that looks? The absent nose is like a second mouth, which is like getting two kisses at the same time. The folds of freshly cut flesh meet those of your partner as if they will fuse to one another. It feels like being whole. Whole with our newly-made hole. Through our hole. Holes. (Spits out blood)

Unknown Female: (Still looking at the camera) So handsome.

Unknown Male: It is definitely an attractive new look anyone can have. So pure, so right. Nothing compares to being able to perfectly kiss that special someone vertically and close.

The two are silent while staring at the camera for six seconds. Both then proceed to talk to each other.

Unknown Male: I wonder why we were ever cursed this way to begin with.

Unknown Female: I don't know. Can you imagine?

Unknown Male: Maybe if I tried.

Unknown Female: Maybe.. It is probably easy, too. That's if we could even imagine at all.

Unknown Male: Maybe we don't need to bother with imagining that. All one needs is love in the present as a guide.

Unknown Female: Perhaps. Who even cares about the past anymore? Not XOXO, that is for sure.

Unknown Male: (Looks at the camera) Thanks for watching this guide. XOXO is happy to help you with your relationships. Until next time, we hope you all have a wonderful life. Goodbye!

Unknown Female: Bye!

Stock audio of people clapping is played. The camera slowly looks down at the severed noses on the table, and slowly zooms in on them. Briefly one can see the legs of the two subjects move away from the table. Sounds of rushing footsteps could be heard.

[END LOG]


Afterword: SCP-5906 ends with red text on a black background. The text reads, "See more guides by XOXO" with a list of supposed guides they have produced. They are titled:

  • "How to French kiss with all of your tongue without restrictions"
  • "How to know if your partner is honest through enhanced interrogation techniques for a healthy relationship"
  • "How to actually heat things up in bed"

These guides have yet to be encountered by the Foundation.

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