The first recorded instance of SCP-5889 occurred in the Colorado town of Crested Butte on 14 November, 1959:
Radio Personality: Hello Beautious Buttes! This is Kilimanjaro and the Duke, with your Saturday evening dementia radio hour. Got anything to add to that, Dukey?
[The sound of metal scraping and squealing as it tears is heard for the next thirty seconds. The frequency and pitch were such that glass reportedly cracked within five miles of the Downtown Crested Butte area.]
Radio Personality: Now, don’t that just beat all. Folks, I never feel more alive than when Duke is pontificating!
[Airhorn sound effect is heard.]
Radio Personality: Oh, hot damn! We got ourselves a request for a shout out to one of our listeners. Amy Kling, we sure hope you can hear us because we’ve got a message from someone special. Your mother wants you to know she’s fine, she’s doing well, and you don’t have to worry.
Radio Personality: She wanted to keep you updated about the rat that broke in and been giving her trouble. He started nibbling down by her toes, and she thinks he likes her, ‘cuz he’s been going hog wild down there for the last hour.
Radio Personality: The maggots crawled through her left eye yesterday, but she’s still got the right eye, and hell, not much to see down there. Anyway, Amy, your momma just wanted you to know that she’s liquefying right according to schedule, and she can’t wait to see you next week!
[More metal shrieking noises.]
Radio Personality: Good point, Duke! It’s time for the weath–
An instance of SCP-5889 was recorded on 26 January, 1961, in Macon, Georgia, and represents an excerpt of a debate between two academics:
Prof. Keller: See, that’s not what I mean, I’m talking about control. We all walk around with this obsessive need to keep a vise grip on every aspect of our lives. We should let some things go.
Dr. Irving-Waites: So, what? Sacrifice my independence? No, thank you. Free will is pretty goddamn important to me.
Prof. Keller: I’m not talking about being a slave to them, I’m saying you don’t need to decide every single aspect in your life to be happy. There’s no such thing as determinism. Take three things out of your daily activities and let them decide for you, I guarantee you’ll be happier.
Dr. Irving-Waites: Like what sort of things?
Prof. Keller: Take for example… your finances, your voting and whether or not you go to church that week. Small things.
Dr. Irving-Waites: See, that doesn’t sound great to me. They’re lizards, not people, after all.
Prof. Keller: Nonsense! Reptiles have been evolving and surviving longer than humanity has been breaking rocks. The wisdom of the reptilian elite, of which I am blessed to claim a part of, is something ancient and mystical. You can literally learn more listening to a lizard in an hour than you would in a full day at a university. It’s hard to walk around with a gecko balanced on your shoulder, but you get used to the stares.
Recorded on 18 April, 1972, this SCP-5889 instance occurred in the area of the Rogue River Valley, Oregon:
News Anchor: Sorry to interrupt our normally scheduled program, folks, but we have some breaking news. Reporters here at VKTM-66.3 have uncovered the real reason for President John F. Kennedy’s assassination: he was a stupid fucking capitalist asshole who was friends with mobsters and illustrated everything most corrupt with this country. We shot him in the head, twice. His wife picked up part of his brains, because she was the embodiment of women’s subservience to the patriarchy in this nation. National goddamn TV and his brains were all over the trunk of that car. And for what? To serve as a warning.
[Panicked murmuring can be heard for roughly eight seconds.]
News Anchor: You hear that? That’s the sound of your pathetic misconceptions about homosexuality, about race, about gender, about socialism, about education. Someone should kick you in the brain, Mike. Yeah. You. Michael Sinclair, 4543 Rosewater Drive, Grants Pass, Oregon, ZIP code 97526. Someone should kick you in the brain. Maybe your wife would pick up the little pieces, but I doubt it with the way you speak to her like she’s property.
[Panicked murmuring can be heard for roughly twelve seconds.]
News Anchor: Guess what? You don’t matter at all to America. This country is gonna kill you, and it’s gonna refuse to offer treatment along the way. And when your brain is kicked in, bet you’ll be wishing the socialist agenda would stick its nose into your business and pay for all them surgeries, so you don’t end up a goddamn vegetable.
News Anchor: We now return you to the regularly scheduled programming of Dollies’ Dixie Corner. But from all of us at VKTM-66.3, I’d like to wish the corpse of JFK a merry ‘fuck you’. Fuck you too, Mike.
An instance of SCP-5889 occurred on 3 July, 1987, in San Diego, California, exactly at midnight:
Announcer: Usually, we here at VKTM-66.3 like to sign off on a message of positivity. But we just can’t do that today. Today is the day they won. Today is the day they finally broke down the doors of the Gubernatorial Mansion in Sacramento and dragged out our beloved Governor Deukmejian.
[Indecipherable chanting begins in the background.]
Announcer: Those dirty Satanist pigs pulled the governor out into the street and they forced him to drink goat’s blood and take the Dark Lord’s Sacrament. And you know what that means? You know what that means? Christianity is now forbidden by law. It’s in the State Constitution!
[Chanting gets louder but is not in any recognizable language.]
Announcer: So, throw away your bibles and let’s gather up the pastors and nuns and priests and imams and rabbis, because they only get two choices: convert or die. Boy those conservative Christian types warned us about ungodliness and we just didn’t listen. If only we had listened!
[Chanting grows quieter and then fades out entirely.]
Announcer: This concludes our scheduled programming, and we’ll see you tomorrow for Kilimanjaro and the Duke, at six AM sharp!
[Thirty seconds of silence.]
Announcer: …Praise the dark lord.
An instance of SCP-5889 occurred on 27 May, 2002, in Beaumont, Indiana. It was an excerpt of the morning show previously recorded by Kilimanjaro and the Duke, two radio personalities employed by VKTM-66.3:
Kilimanjaro: Hey there, we’re back from commercial and we got one hell of a scoop for our favorite listeners: Marjorie Schuul, that itch you feel on your back side? Those’re spiders, and they just entered your cavities. I don’t wanna say which ones, ‘cuz this is a family show, but I assume that’s gonna itch something fierce. Well don’t you worry… they’re only inside ya to lay some three to four thousand eggs. And when they hatch, I’m sure they’ll burrow right through your intestines lickety-split!
[Sixteen separate airhorns are fired into the microphone for twelve seconds.]
Kilimanjaro: You liked Charlotte’s Web just a little too much, Marjorie. Read more interesting books next time.
An instance of SCP-5889 occurred on 9 August, 1997, in Miami, Florida. The recording represents an adult-themed, late night radio show:
Madeline: Oh hello there you naughty listeners. You're listening to Late. Night. VKTM. For those of you that haven't tuned in before, my name is Mistress Madeline, and I can't wait to get to know you better. If you want to get to know li’l old me, what are you waiting for? Pick up your phone and pound in that number.
[A moaning sound is heard.]
Madeline: Oh! That sound means we have someone on the line. What's your name, handsome?
Dinesh: Hey Maddy, it's Dinesh here. I've been a big fan for a long time, I can't believe I got through to you.
Madeline: Hey there, Dinesh! I'm so glad you did get to me! Where are you calling from?
Dinesh: I'm in my car with the radio on. My wife's in the house, asleep in bed. She doesn't know I listen to you, but I do this every night.
Madeline: Ohhh, saucy! I love it when people tell me they sneak listen to me. Tell me about yourself, what do you do for a living? You gonna treat me right?
Dinesh: Well, uh, I don't know. I just work in an office.
Madeline: That doesn't rule you out, sweetheart. When was your last promotion?
Dinesh: Some time ago, to be honest. I tell my wife I'm doing well, but I don't want to lie to you.
Madeline: Well, I've got a task for you to do, so you're going to listen to your mistress right now. Understood?
Dinesh: [Panting sounds can be heard.] Yes, anything.
Madeline: So you're going to walk into your boss's office tomorrow at work. Storm in, it doesn't matter what he's doing.
Dinesh: Uhh, what next?
Madeline: You're going to get down on your knees in front of him, then gaze up at him with puppy-dog eyes, and you beg him.
Dinesh: Um….
Madeline: Don’t worry, you trust your mistress, don’t you? So, you’re on your knees and you’re begging. You’re begging for that boss to give you some sort of validation. It's gonna hurt your pride, but I’m worth it. Keep going. Throw in some tears, tell him your baby is depending on you.
Dinesh: Okay, um… anything for you…
Madeline: Then, you stay on your knees, and you wait there ‘til he gives you something, even if it’s just a pat on the head. And then I want you to say: ‘Thank you for fucking me,’ because that's what's happening everyday you're in that dead end job. Stay on your knees, and crawl out the office. Pathetic. Go back to your wife.
Dinesh: Wait, no I-
Madeline: Well, that was good for me. Next caller.
An instance of SCP-5889 occurred on 14 October, 2004, in Billings, Montana. The recording represents an excerpt of a call-in talk radio show:
Hartwell: Hey listeners, you're on with Veronica Hartwell. We'll be together for the next two hours, and I want to hear from you. Are you having relationship problems? Maybe you're struggling with your life goals? Or are you just struggling to get by? Call me up, we'll have a chat, and I'll pretend to listen like you matter. Ha! Just kidding you.
[A man can be heard wailing on the recording but the host does not acknowledge it.]
Hartwell: Let's open up the lines. Hi, you're live on VKTM with Veronica Hartwell! What's on your mind, my dear?
[Ten seconds pass without anyone speaking. The wailing increases in volume.]
Hartwell: Sorry about that, it looks like the line went dead. Caller, please give us another ring. Let's go to the next listener. Hi, you're on live on VKTM-66.3, what do you want to discuss tonight?
[Twenty seconds pass with no one speaking. The wailing is now so loud that when the host begins speaking, she has to raise her voice to be heard. Still, she does not acknowledge the wailing.]
Hartwell: Huh… Okay then… Maybe another caller? Hi, you're live on air with me, Veronica Hartwell, what can I help you with?
[Thirty-five seconds of moaning can be heard, then the moaning ceases.]
Hartwell: Is anyone out there? Can anyone hear me?
The most recent noteworthy recording of an SCP-5889 event occurred on 12 February 2013, in Huntington, West Virginia. The instance was a thirty-minute episode of a talk show about mental health hosted by Dr. Emily Goddard, PhD:
Dr. Goddard: Okay, Glenn. Let’s get down to the core of the issue here. Your girlfriend is angry because you’ve invested so much of your identity in the myth of masculinity.
Glenn: Wait, you think men are a myth?
Dr. Goddard: Absolutely, we’re all myths, Glenn. Humanity is a myth. You think you’re a living, feeling being with emotions and history? Please. You’re a corpse waiting to happen. And everyone around you is already dead. I’m not being figurative here, they’re literally dead bodies.
Glenn: I don’t understand.
Dr. Goddard: Your girlfriend? Dead. Your mom and dad? Dead. Your fifth-grade sweetheart, your math tutor in high school, your boss? All dead. You ever hear of Cotard’s Delusion?
Glenn: No, what’s that?
Dr. Goddard: Never mind, the point is that it’s not a delusion. You’re dead, they’re dead. Nothing you do even matters. You have as much tangible impact on the world around you as a pile of dirt.
Glenn: Fuck.
Dr. Goddard: So, the next time you’re worried about saying the wrong thing or not quite understanding someone’s reaction, just remember, you’re a walking bundle of decomposing matter and the soul, if it was ever real, left your body a long time ago. ‘Fuck’ is basically the only sane thing any of us have to say about this existence.
Glenn: Thanks, Doc. You’ve really put things in perspective.
Dr. Goddard: No problem, Glenn. It’s what I do.
