rating: +696+x
Item#: 5004
Containment Class:
Secondary Class:
Disruption Class:
Risk Class:



Assigned Site Site Director Research Head Assigned Task Force
USMILA Site-19 Tilda Moose Everett Mann, M.D. MTF A-14 "Dishwashers"

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5004-A is currently contained by SCP-5004-B under the terms of Protocol 115-ASHE. Based on the current understanding of the conditions of SCP-5004-A, the anomaly should dissipate entirely on January 20th, 2021, at 12:00PM EST. Due to SCP-5004-B's effect on SCP-5004-A, no other containment procedures are required.

Containment and mitigation of the global geopolitical effects, both anomalous and mundane, of SCP-5004-B are managed by the Department of International Affairs, the Records and Information Security Administration (RAISA), the Department of Information Control and Suppression, the Department of Applied Influence, the Department of Analytics, the Department of Strategic Analysis, the North American Site Directors Council, the European Site Directors Council, the East Asian Site Directors Council, the South American Site Directors Council, Western Regional Command, the Classification Committee, the Containment Committee, the Ethics Committee and Overwatch Command.

Direct assessment and analysis on the ongoing SCP-5004-B information control effort is under the express jurisdiction of the Special Committee Regarding Robert Mueller's Investigation. This committee replaced the Ledermann Commission and subsequent Project Whirlwind that developed Protocol 115-ASHE. The current acting leadership for this committee is as follows:

Position Name Title
Committee Lead Dir. Sophia Light Director, Western Regional Command
Assistant Lead Dr. Mark Kiryu Sr. Research
Psychology Consult Dr. Simon Glass Head, Foundation Psychology
Research Consult Dr. Charles Gears Head, Foundation Analytics
Thaumaturgical Consult Dr. Katherine Sinclair Director, Thaumatology and Occult Studies, Site-87
Containment Consult Dr. Hollister Cox Asst. Director, Site-81
General Consult Dir. Elias Shaw Head, Foundation Personnel
Tactical Consults Agent Sasha Merlo and Agent Daniel Navarro
GOI Liaison Dr. Justine Everwood GOI Specialist
Special Liaison to the FBI Agent Carmen Maldonado Unusual Incidents Unit

Additional details regarding the conditions of Protocol 115-ASHE and the SCP-5004-B information control efforts are available elsewhere in this document.

Description: SCP-5004 is the group designation for anomalous phenomenon affecting the Executive branch of the United States Government.

SCP-5004-A is a colossal thaumatological entity, identified as "SUSPIRA-PRIME" by the Federal Bureau of Investigation Unusual Incident Unit and self-titled as "Old Gorman", which was ritualistically summoned to the material plane by US Supreme Court Justice and noted sorcerer Charles Evans Hughes during the US General Election of 1916. The supposed intent of this summoning was to aid Justice Hughes in his campaign against incumbent President Woodrow Wilson; however, this effort was in vain, as SCP-5004-A was originally too weak to take any action that would have aided the Republican Candidate. After his eventual loss to Wilson, Hughes - either unknowingly or out of spite1, altered the conditions of his ritual in such a way that changed SCP-5004-A's stated intentions, leaving the entity to sleep for 100 years before awakening.

SCP-5004-B is United States former President Donald John Trump. SCP-5004-B is a powerful reality sink, negating the anomalous effects of supernatural entities or artifacts near it by altering the way those entities or artifacts interact with the fabric of spacetime. This ability appears to be innate to SCP-5004-B's existence as a whole, as individual pieces of SCP-5004-B or parts of SCP-5004-B disconnected from the rest of the entity do not carry the same negating properties.


United States Supreme Court Justice Charles Evans Hughes.

Addendum 5004.1: Discovery and Background

The discovery of SCP-5004-B and its application in the containment of SCP-5004-A came about as the result of an investigation by the Ledermann Commission, which itself arose from an investigative thaumatological task force out of Site-87. The task force, headed by Dr. Katherine Sinclair, was assigned to study known occult texts from the early 1900s in order to assess them for information about possible anomalous entities that were not yet known; this effort was part of a greater Foundation-wide initiative to take a more proactive role in the discovery and containment of anomalous entities and artifacts.

The report, penned by Dr. Sinclair and titled "An Investigative Study Into Cosmological Entities With Potential To Affect The American Federal Government", identified thirteen such entities and artifacts. Of those, several could not be accounted for and three had been destroyed entirely. The only entity that could be identified and determined to still be active was the entity called "Old Gorman", at the time discretely inhabiting the western steps of the United States Capitol Building under the cover of a sort of dimensionally-shifted cocoon.

Excerpt From An Investigative Study Into Cosmological Entities With Potential To Affect The American Federal Government

In the second volume of a series of journals penned by United States Supreme Court Justice Charles Evans Hughes in 1916, the justice describes a meeting he had with fellow sorcerer Ames Hammond, a minor financial consultant from New York and fellow member of the Metaphysical Club2. In the meeting, which took place in late 1915, the two men discussed shifting political climates and a desire to see the United States stay out of the war in Europe. Hammond, whose business investments strongly favored the continued existence of the current Austro-Hungarian State, advised that Hughes should accept the Republican nomination - should it fall to him - and that the presidency could be won using sorcery and thaumatological influences.


Supreme Court Justice and influential sorcerer Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Hughes seems to have already been considering accepting the nomination even before this meeting, and the two of them met shortly afterwards with fellow Supreme Court Justice and Metaphysical Club member, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. Holmes suggested the summoning of a spiritual familiar to enhance Hughes' perceived charisma, but Hammond was insistent that more dramatic action needed to be taken. Hughes writes that he and Holmes consulted numerous books of the arcane and occult before finally deciding on a devil from the 11th Plane of Blasphemy (Infernal Rituals and Incantations, Vol. 12, Section 27) to interfere with President Wilson's reelection campaign.

The remainder of the journals detail the steps taken by Hughes, Holmes and Hammond to prepare for the summoning ceremony, which took place at the beginning of summer in 1916. In Hughes' account, the incantation took place at Holmes' estate in Washington D.C. In the fourth volume of the journals, Hughes lists the components for the summoning as follows:

  • 3 pieces of cloven hoof
  • ash from a burned text of incantations
  • one full onion, diced
  • the eyes of six frogs
  • a lost lamb's heart, quartered
  • tears of a maiden
  • seven teeth
  • six pieces of silver
  • six pieces of gold
  • a precious gem3

Shortly after summoning the entity, Hughes described it in his journal as such:


Artist's depiction of SCP-5004-A.

…the beast was like a man, though grotesque in shape and stature. He was no taller than the height of a man's knee and its face (behind its monstrous filthy beard) bore an expression of great displeasure. It had skin of mottled grey and red, and its dull red eyes sat too deeply into its skull. It emerged from within a cloud of sulfure and smoke on a small, squealing steed, swore loudly and became violent to myself and my compatriots, who were forced to beat it into a corner with brooms.

Once the brooming had subsided it introduced itself as Gorman. Perhaps it sensed the disappointment in my eyes at its diminutive size, as it attempted to prove its otherworldly power by producing a terrible stink, one like sun-burnt faeces and bile, from out of its mouth. Myself and Oliver commenced to brooming again until it stopped.

Hughes quickly realized his error - the entity was barely able to stand upright for more than a few moments, and did not have the strength yet to carry out any sort of violence against the President or his campaign. Frustrated, Hughes claims to have locked Gorman in a wooden box and kept it near his person at all times, where the devil would shout obscenities and propel small, stinking flames at the justice.

Old Gorman disappears from Hughes' personal texts until after the election, when he lost handily to the incumbent Wilson. In a quick note left at the end of one journal, he writes:

Fell creature was not worth the effort. He insults me even now and his words are filthy. He spends all hours of the day talking about latrines and their contents, and he frequently pulls at the hairs on my legs to spite me. I will have the last laugh however. He is no use to me now, but I have paid the ritual price on his servitude for one hundred years. I will bury his essence beneath the steps of the capitol building and he will be forced to hear every footfall over that busy thoroughfare every day for a century. Who now cackles in delight, monstrous imp? Of course, it is me.

Let this beast forever rue the day it met Charles Evans Hughes, master of magic and conjurer of spirits!

In the wake of Dr. Sinclair's report, Foundation GOI specialist Dr. Justine Everwood reached out to speak to the current membership of the Metaphysical Club. Notably, the group's numbers had dwindled significantly since the beginning of the 20th century, and only three were able to be reached during the investigation. These included United States Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, Associate Justice Stephen Breyer, and Associate Justice and Grand Arcanist Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

The group allowed Dr. Everwood to keep an audio recorder on her during their meeting, though the voices of the justices were altered by seemingly anomalous means.

Everwood: So you're aware of the creature beneath the stairs at the Capitol?

Roberts: Old Gorman? Yes, unfortunately. A profoundly unpleasant creature - a sort of ancient trickster demon. This club has in many ways only persisted as long as it has in order to serve as a response to Gorman, whenever he awakens from his terrible slumber.

Everwood: What do you mean by saying that's the only reason your group has persisted?

Breyer: It's been a tumultuous century for our order. Things started off strong but then there were some assassinations in the forties, followed by the wizard battles of the sixties and seventies. That's when we decided that we should stop putting powerful wizards on the highest court in the country.

Roberts: Through some clever manipulation and some modest additional assassinations, we've reduced our numbers to just us three, and only then because-


Ruth Bader Ginsburg during this interview, wearing a seemingly anomalous "wizard hat".

Ginsburg: Silence! (Pauses) Silence, Jonathon.

Roberts: That's not my name and you know that.

Ginsburg: I said silence! What they are not telling you is that only three remain because they have not yet figured out how to kill me! I, the most powerful and terrible wizard who ever walked upon the face of this Earth!

Everwood: Interesting. Tell me more.

Breyer: She's being dramatic. We haven't been trying to kill her, we've been trying to convince her to please stop casting horrible magic out in public.

Ginsburg: Your demands are like a cage on my prodigious gifts! I cannot be bound by mortal desires - I must fly free, like a majestic condor or similarly winged beast!

Roberts: We're of the same mind as you, Dr. Everwood. It does none of us any favors if this idea that "magic is real" gets out to the public. We're trying to maintain the status quo here, and that is far from beneficial. Justice Ginsburg has other-

Ginsburg: I am a goddamn albatross, Jonathan! I cannot be fettered to your mindless inclinations!

Roberts: …she has other ideas about how our talents should be utilized.

Breyer: As John was saying, the only reason there are three of us now is that neither John or myself possess the arcane acumen required to deal with Gorman when he emerges on the foretold day. Only Ruth can handle that, and even then only maybe.

Everwood: Why maybe?

Ginsburg: Because Charles Hughes was a fool! He thought he was punishing Old Gorman by burying his essence under the steps of the Capitol, but he didn't do nearly enough of the required reading. Old Gorman is a demon, not a devil. He didn't even take the time to ask! If he had, Gorman would've been obligated to tell him that he was only passing through the 11th Plane of Blasphemy, not living there.

Everwood: What does the difference matter?

Ginsburg: Think for a moment, ludicrous child. Gorman is a demon, and demons feed on chaos and disorder. Where, pray tell, do you think there exists more chaos and disorder in the whole wide world than the United States Capitol Building?


Everwood: Point made.

Ginsburg: Quite. And all the while Gorman has been stewing down there, growing big and strong and increasingly annoying! I have spoken to him in his dreams on several occasions, yes. He has a foul mouth and is very perturbed to have been given the run-around by Charles Hughes all those years ago. Make no mistake, white coat - Gorman is coming, and on that day he will rise up from beneath the Earth in such great and terrible fury this country, nay, the world itself will never be the same again. But! In that dark hour, who will rise to oppose him but me, the Grand Arcanist of Brooklyn, the Witch of Washington, the Arch-Arcanist of Jurisprudence!

Everwood: I see. Then we shouldn't consider this a problem?

Roberts: No, no, it very much is a problem. Ruth's solution to the Gorman problem is a public display of 'power and thunder' that only might be enough to rebuke the demon. I know it might be difficult to tell, but she's getting up there in years and Gorman has only become more dangerous in time. She's liable to break a hip.

Everwood: How dangerous are we talking?

Roberts: I don't really know how else to say this - Gorman consumes chaos. Spite, resentment, hostility, that's all here. This is not a great place to live in, but for something like Gorman it might as well be a goddamn all-you-can-suckle teat buffet. Once he's done cooking - when he hatches after 100 years have passed, he's liable to drag all of D.C. into the sea. You can't see him now - we can only barely perceive him through the wards that Hughes put on him back in 1916, but he's gotten enormous.

Breyer: I hope you all can formulate a plan. Against an archdemon like Old Gorman, we're really no match.

Ginsburg: And if you can't figure it out, you'll have no choice but to unleash me, a being of terror and awe! The world will kneel before the might and magic of their sorcery queen! (Ginsburg laughs, sparks erupt from her fingertips)

Everwood: Duly noted.

Addendum 5004.2: The Ledermann Commission

Following the revelation of the existence of the entity classified as SCP-5004-A, Foundation Western Regional Command convened to discuss their next move. W. Regional Command Director Sophia Light appointed a seven man commission, headed by Containment Committee Director Hans Ledermann, to assess the situation and devise a workable containment policy moving forward.

The report, published by the Ledermann Commission in October of 2013 and titled "Assessment of the Thaumatological Mega-Entity 'Old Gorman'4 and Possible Avenues of Progression", detailed newly discovered information about SCP-5004-A, as well as additional information made available by the Metaphysical Club.

The commission's findings revealed that SCP-5004-A originated from an extraplanar5 space referred to as "Suspira" in On Chaos and Occuli by the 18th century Spanish sorcerer Mal Maloma. Suspira is described as a realm of chaos and vulgarity, but primarily a home of lesser demons and imps.

SCP-5004-A was transported to the baseline universe through thaumatological means by Charles Hughes, who later would use similar means to trap SCP-5004-A in a higher-dimension cocoon, invisible to the naked eye but still mildly perceptible to trained occultists. In this state, SCP-5004-A fed on the turmoil of the District of Columbia, ballooning in size and, presumably, strength. While Hughes' wards and enchantments had kept SCP-5004-A contained, the belief among Foundation thaumatologists was that once free from its original bonds, SCP-5004-A would be too powerful to continue to restrict without a substantial cost in life.

The Ledermann Commission resolved that containment of SCP-5004-A was best handled not with thaumatological means, but with anomalous means. As noted in the report:

The existence of a suitably potent reality sink, somewhere in the capital, could disrupt the pseudogestation that Old Gorman is currently undergoing. Once Old Gorman is disconnected from its source of sustenance, it would likely quickly burn through its accumulated energy under the weight of having to exist in the baseline universe.

However, in studying the rituals and incantations used by Charles Hughes to bind Old Gorman, it is possible that simply placing a reality sink in Washington D.C. would not be sufficient to destabilize the demon. The presence of Old Gorman can be felt in the ideological metastructure of the United States government, as confirmed by our own thaumatologists. It is therefore imperative that the reality sink be itself integrated into the collective conscious of the United States government. This committee recommends that a suitable reality sink be elected to the office of President of the United States.

Unfortunately, the technology to create a sufficiently powerful reality sink does not currently exist.

The Ledermann Commission, along with members of the Department of Higher Metaphysics, compiled a list of potential options for containing SCP-5004-A, including possible reality sinks that could be utilized for that purpose. This report was sent to SCP Western Regional Command, who reviewed it and determined an appropriate course of action.

Addendum 5004.3: SCPF Western Regional Command Meeting Transcript

Internal Audio Recording Transcript

In Attendance:

  • Dr. Sophia Light - Director, Foundation Western Regional Command
  • Dr. Elias Shaw - Director, Personnel
  • Dr. Hollister Cox - Asst. Director, Site-81
  • Dr. Kain Pathos Crow - Director, Special Projects
  • Dr. Justine Everwood - GOI Liaison
  • Dr. Katherine Sinclair - Director, Thaumatology and Occult Studies, Site-87

Dr. Light: Alright. Let's begin. Dr. Everwood, if you would.

Dr. Everwood: Thank you, Director. I'm sure you've all read the report. They appreciate what we're doing here - apparently they've known about this coming for a long time and have just been sitting on it. That said, the long and short of it is that the UIU is willing to allow one of its members to sit in on this panel for as long as is needed, if needed, but we are not permitted to tamper in the upcoming election.

Dr. Light: They said that explicitly?

Dr. Everwood: They did.

Dr. Light: That's unfortunate.

Dr. Shaw: Unfortunate? You mean understandable, right?

Dr. Light: Eli, not now.

Dr. Shaw: Oh no, don't you "not now" me, Sophia. I can already sniff the air and smell what you're cooking with this one, and I want nothing to do with it. Those were four of the shittiest years of my life, and I'm proud to say I've got nothing to offer you this time. Nada. Good luck.

Dr. Light sighs.

Dr. Light: Yes, alright. Yes. Fine. Dr. Sinclair, first of all, welcome to Regional Command.

Dr. Sinclair: Thank you for having me, Director.

Dr. Light: What have you got?

Dr. Sinclair: This entity appears to be what we would describe as a Class II demonic entity. These are the most lesser of imps and demons, a step above something like a hateful cloud or very angry bush. The root of the problem is that the magic that Hughes did to the entity all those years ago has essentially been force-feeding the demon this entire time. It's swollen to a positively grotesque size. We've seen this happen before - usually the entities burn themselves out before they can do any real damage, but Old Gorman is both angry and located in the middle of the United States' seat of government. It's still likely that he wouldn't last too long with all that energy burning through him, but that presents two more issues.

Dr. Light: Those are?

Dr. Sinclair: The first is that too long may be a week, or may be another hundred years. It's impossible to know until he emerges from his cocoon. The second is that if he burns out too quickly, the outpouring of malevolent energy as he becomes critical might literally level the city. I guess there's a third option as well, where he's able to figure out how to control all of that malice in him and just becomes a raging, sadistic, unkillable superentity.

Dr. Light: None of that sounds great. Kain? Any ideas?

Dr. Pathos Crow: Ah, yes, well. My department has done some looking into this, and… eh… well…

Dr. Shaw: Come on, Crow. Out with it now.

Dr. Pathos Crow: Well, it just can't be done, what you're asking! We can build you a reality anchor, for what that's worth, if you want to drop a nuclear reactor underneath the capitol building. But a reality sink? Those have to occur naturally. There's just not - there's not enough power in the world to accomplish what you want to accomplish here, Sophia.

Dr. Shaw: What's the difference? I thought a sink was an anchor.

Dr. Pathos Crow: Not true. A reality anchor is a man-made construct used to stabilize anomalous activity in a region. It doesn't affect the anomaly, just temporarily masks it until the anchor is removed or depowered. A reality sink is a natural phenomenon, something that exists as sort of a black hole for the supernatural. We don't know fully how it works, but we believe them to be a sort of natural balancing system against the spread of the unknown. Anomalies don't simply become masked in the presence of a sink, they start to lose connection to the fundamental forces that bind them to our universe until they simply disappear.

Dr. Shaw: …Ok? That doesn't sound that bad. Let's just get one of those and pull some strings and see what happens.

Dr. Pathos Crow: It's not that simple. Reality sinks are often subject to extreme forces within their biology - they typically don't last long after becoming reality sinks, succumbing to cancers or mental deterioration. (Waves hand) And more than that Elias, a reality sink of the magnitude that the report is asking for would be… I mean, there can't be more than a dozen in the whole world! Who knows how many are even capable of base-level thinking?

Dr. Light: Dr. Sinclair, what is your suggestion?

Dr. Sinclair: Our department has kept tabs on three possible candidates. The first is, unfortunately, very young - a preteen child in Omaha that is a sufficiently powerful reality sink but, of course, cannot become President of the United States. The second, uh…

Dr. Light: Yes?

Dr. Sinclair: The second is Alto Clef.

Dr. Light: Nope. Who's the third?

Dr. Sinclair: Well… the third is definitely… definitely an option. New York businessman, media influence, has showed interest in politics in the past. This person isn't quite as potent a reality sink as the other two, but does seem to meet all of our criteria.


Dr. Light: Alright? That sounds perfect, right? What's the issue? Who is it?

Dr. Sinclair: It's, uh… well…

Dr. Shaw: (Looking over Dr. Sinclair's shoulder) Oh my god… oh my god it's Donald fucking Trump. (Dr. Shaw begins laughing wildly)

Dr. Light: You're serious?

Dr. Sinclair: Yes, Director. I'm serious.

Dr. Shaw: And I'm seriously fucking dying over here. Holy goddamn shit, this is the greatest fucking day of my life. What a fucking mess. What a goddamn mess.

Dr. Light: Eli-

Dr. Shaw: No, you deserve this one, Sophia. You all deserve this. The cows have come home to roost for Western Regional Command, I tell you what. I knew this would happen. Every night I would kneel down by my bed and pray to sweet little baby Jesus that he would deliver the same sort of misfortune upon all of you that you laid on me for four fucking years, Sophia. And guess what? Little baby Jesus was a no-show, but this Gorman fellow sure as shit has heard my prayers. Donald goddamn Trump. Hi-fucking-larious. You all are so fucked. You're so fucked. F-U-C-K-E-D. Fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked. Thank you, new demon Jesus. Thank you for this thing you've done for me. Gorman bless America, and Gorman bless the SCP Foundation. Hallelujah, I'm coming home. Donald Trump. Fuck my bright red ass.


Dr. Light: Are you good?

Dr. Shaw: Yeah. Yeah, Soph, I'm good. Thank you.

Dr. Light: Alright. (Sighs) So this is our best option?

Dr. Sinclair: Our thaumatologists ran our findings past the members of the Metaphysical Club. They determined them to be accurate, if not… unfortunate.

Dr. Light: And we're sure this will have the intended effect? This will contain the entity?

Dr. Sinclair: It, uh, yes. It should. Once Gorman leaves his cocoon, he'll have to expend energy to maintain a physical presence on this plane, but he won't be able to do that if he's losing energy to the sink in the Oval Office. He's bound in a very, uh, very specific sort of way - to the Presidency, specifically.

Dr. Light: I see.


Dr. Light: Well? Does anyone else have anything to say?

Dr. Pathos Crow: I don't watch the news - who is Donald Trump?


Dr. Everwood: You don't watch the news?

Dr. Pathos Crow: I am a dog.

Addendum 5004.4: Assorted Pre-Election Project Whirlwind Documents

SCP Foundation Internal Memo
Western Regional Command

From: Sophia Light, Director

To: Project Whirlwind Mailing List

Subject: Welcome to Project Whirlwind

If you're receiving this message, it's because you have been selected to become a member of Project Whirlwind. This project currently carries Level 4 classification, and your personal credentials have been updated to denote this change. Inclusion in this project is mandatory.

In late 2012 our occult research teams detected the presence of a massive anomalous entity moving very slowly through spacetime beneath the steps of the United States Capitol Building. Research uncovered that this entity is Old Gorman, a lesser demon summoned by United States Supreme Court Justice Charles Hughes in the early 20th century. Due to enchantments placed on the demon it has since become massive and uncontrollable, and we expect that the entity will emerge from its cocoon in January of 2017.

In order to mitigate the effects of this entity on the general public, we have been asked by our occult research teams to place a sufficiently powerful reality sink as the President of the United States. This will weaken the entity significantly and may keep it from manifesting at all. The only sufficiently powerful reality sink that meets the necessary criteria for use in the containment of Old Gorman is Donald J. Trump, an American businessman.

Direct influence of this election would open us to possible risk, so we need to be smart about this. Our teams will reach out to international intelligence agencies, think tanks, and lobbying groups in order to drum up support for the candidate. Due to the specifics of this candidate in particular, it's likely that we will need to do some work on the disinformation front, as well.

We recognize there are many of you who are shocked and perhaps appalled at this. Trust me, I sympathize. Unfortunately, we are often required in our duties to do things we are uncomfortable with. This is no exception. As such, I am going to require that all of you please keep your unpleasant remarks to yourselves. We just want to roll out Protocol ASHE, negate the effects of the anomalous entity, and then be done with this. I expect you to all do your duties in as professional a manner as you are capable.

Maybe it won't be so bad.

Thank you,

Sophia Light
Director, Western Regional Command

Attached Responses
Sender Subject Body
Navarro, Dan… Re: Welcome to Project Wh… Excuse me but what?
Kiryu, Dr. M… Respectfully Decline Thank you for your email director, and I know that you said this is mandatory, but I would…
Shaw, Dr. El… hahahahahahahahahahahahaha… hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…
Werner, Researcher Li… Re: Welcome to Project Wh… Thank you for your consideration, but I don't understand why we should consider this a bad thing? As a centrist I see…
Moose, Director Til… Eli is shitting with me,… Eli is shitting me, right? I need you to tell me I'm being fucke…
+ 31 Other Messages

On June 16, 2015, as Foundation assets were preparing to make contact with and provide discrete resources to a potential Trump Election Committee, Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the United States Presidency. Project Whirlwind then dispatched operatives to various state legislatures and international intelligence committees. Additionally, it was decided that if the candidate's polling was not sufficient by the beginning of 2016, Foundation AIC complexes would be utilized alongside the Department of Information Control and Suppression and the Department of Applied Influence to aggressively campaign for the candidate.

Phone Call Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light

Sophia Light: This is Sophia.

Sasha Merlo: Director, it's Sasha.

Light: Oh, good. Hang on. (Rustling) Just going over some notes. What do you have?

Merlo: So that ambassador, right? Kislyak. We arranged a meeting with him, Dan and I did, after dinner the other night, when-

Daniel Navarro: (In the background) Will you just tell her, we can't waste time.

Merlo: Yes, fine, sorry. Somebody got to him first.

Light: What?

Merlo: Exactly! That's what we said! There was a guy here already, an American general, sipping cocktails and the whole-

Navarro: (Taking the telephone) It was Michael Flynn, Director. Michael Flynn was here.

Light: What was he doing there?

Navarro: I think he got here before us? I mean, I'm telling you Director, it's the wildest thing. They were going over all the things we were going to talk about, the sanctions and everything else.

Light: Did he recognize either of you?

Navarro: Er, no, I don't think he even realized we were there. He was pretty, uh… intoxicated, and…

Merlo: (In the background) He was naked! The guy was naked, everything just hanging out there! Whole hog and everything! There were women too! But they weren't naked, only the general! It was buck fucking wild!

Navarro: He was indisposed.

Light: I don't even know what to make of this. So did you get a chance to talk to the ambassador?

Navarro: I mean, sort of? Only insomuch that he recognized we were there, but every time we'd try and bring up the election he'd just sort of laugh and point to Flynn, and then they'd both laugh, and then drink some more. It was really fucking weird. I could barely get a word in edgewise.

Light: Alright, so… are we good?

Navarro: I… think so?

Merlo: (In the background) His whole dong! Just laying out there for the whole world to see! It's like some Mad Max shit over here!

SCP Foundation Internal Messaging System


SCP-5004-B during the 2016 campaign.

To: Light, Sophia [WRC]
From: Banner, Garrett [IC&S]
Subject: WW Update 10.6.16

Hey boss, hope you're doing well.

Just wanted to review something with you before we go forward with it. As has been the case with a lot of this so far, while we have something ready to mitigate this Access Hollywood thing, I'm not sure you're going to want to. I know this sounds crazy, and believe me that I feel like a crazy person telling you, but we ran this past Applied Influence and their polling shows that this actually helps our chances. I know we've only been speculating, but we're really starting to think there must be something else going on here. Are you sure that we're not seeing any other anomalous effects coming from the candidate? Because this sort of thing should kill a candidate with any sort of reasonable person, but for some reason it just… isn't.

We can still run the cover if you want, but I've been asked to advise you not to. We have a better chance of this thing working in our favor if we just let it play out - just like we have with everything else.

Up to you. Let me know how you'd like to proceed.


SCP Foundation Internal Messaging System

To: Light, Sophia [WRC]
From: Banner, Garrett [IC&S]
Subject: WW Update 10.17.16

Good call, I guess. Does this feel weird to you?

SCP Foundation Internal Messaging System

To: Light, Sophia [WRC]
From: Pathos Crow, Kain
Subject: quick question

hello sophia sorry for the hasty message. elias is here and talking about whirlwind and is laughing at me for not understanding what a golden shower is? can you shed some light on this? he says it is going to be useful to my research but won't tell me what it is.

thank you


Voicemail Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light
Caller: Agent Sasha Merlo

Hey Dr. Light, small problem. I was spotted. The guy about the hacking thing - turns out they'd already done it, way before we got there. Has this been happening a lot? It feels like everywhere I go someone has been there first.

Anyway, it's that snake Roger Stone. He knows at least one of my aliases, from an unrelated thing. I don't know if he recognized me, but he definitely saw me.

I'm hoping my cover isn't blown over something as stupid as this. I didn't even get to do anything. Sorry, I'm sort of freaking out. I'm going to try and extract by the 23rd. Spent too much time over here.


Addendum 5004.5: United States Presidential Election of 2016

On November 8, 2016, SCP-5004-B defeated its opponent, Democrat Hillary Clinton, in a surprise upset victory in the United States electoral college. The following are a series of communications that took place shortly after the results were announced that night between various individuals and Project Whirlwind director Sophia Light.

Voicemail Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light
Caller: Dr. Katherine Sinclair

Congratulations, I guess. I already received a call from Justice Roberts, they're preparing the necessary rituals. We're in the home stretch now. Call me when you can.

Call disconnects

Voicemail Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light
Caller: Alto Clef

Good job. Glad it wasn't me. I didn't announce this before but I'm going to take an extended vacation to Italy for a while. Got some reading to catch up on.

Call disconnects

Voicemail Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light
Caller: Dr. Elias Shaw

Twenty-three seconds of silence.

Well fuck.

Sixteen seconds of silence.

Call disconnects

Voicemail Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light
Caller: Researcher Liam Werner

Congratulations Director Light! This is fantastic - a great step forward for both our organization and the United States as a whole! It's been an honor to serve in this mission with you, not just as a researcher but also as a patriot! While I've got you on the phone, can you tell me why everyone seems so upset about this? As a centrist, I really find it important to see issues from both-

Call disconnects

Voicemail Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light
Caller: Dr. Charles Gears

Kain tells me you're in a bad place. You shouldn't be upset; this is a great success. The Foundation's mission is to preserve and protect - we don't necessarily need to enjoy it. You've done well.

But, of course, more work to be done. Give me a call when you're available.

Call disconnects

Phone Call Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light

Sophia Light: H- one moment, sorry. Hi, this is Sophia. Hello?

Simon Glass: Sophia, it's Simon. Good evening.

Light: Oh, oh. Simon. God, I'm sorry, I totally forgot about-

Glass: No apology necessary. I know you've had a busy night.

Light: Yeah, I just… sorry.

Glass: It's ok. I can call later, if you'd like.

Light: No, please, now is fine. Let me just- (Rustling)

Glass: Are you alone?

Light: Yes, of course. I've been in that command center all goddamn day, I just needed to step out for a moment. I'm so sick and tired of looking at CNN, FOX, MSNBC, 538, whoever.

Glass: Elections can be a lot.

Light: Especially this one. Especially this one.

Glass: But it's over now, right? You've completed what you were setting out to do?


Glass: Sophia?

Light: Yes, sorry. Yeah, this is the result we were hoping for. Definitely, this solves a lot of our problems.

Glass: So… what's on your mind?

Light: What do you mean?

Glass: I mean, we haven't spoken in a while. Something has to be bothering you.

Light: I- Simon, I don't-

Glass: (Laughing) Don't worry. This is literally my job, I get it. I'm happy to help. What's on your mind?

Light: (Pauses) Do you know how many agents we had out in the field for Project Whirlwind?

Glass: Hmmm. A few dozen?

Light: One hundred sixty. One of Western Command's biggest operations in its existence. We mobilized the full force of Misinformation, Applied Force, RAISA, all in the hopes of making the least electable candidate in modern American politics somehow more palatable to the voters' appetite, and we didn't even need to.

Glass: Hmmm? What do you mean?

Light: Every step of the way, when we were trying to purposefully corrupt the American political sphere, there was somebody already there. Someone with their foot already on the gas. Our potential grassroots campaigns in swing states? We didn't need them. They sprung up on their own. The demonstrations, the covert operations, the under-the-table deals. All of it.

Glass: What are you saying?

Light: We didn't accomplish anything here, Simon. We rolled out one of the largest influence campaigns and achieved nothing. Today's result happens even if we had stayed out of it completely.

Glass: Oh. (Pauses) That means…

Light: Yeah.


Glass: Well. I guess, at the end of the day, what's done is done, right? We did what we needed to do, now we can let the Justices and Sinclair's group take it from here.

Light: Yeah. At least it's done.

Glass: Look, I've got a really nice bottle of Marchesi di Barolo Arneis I was holding onto for some sort of victory celebration, but I can have it sent over if you'd like. Feel like you might need it more than me.

Light: Ugh. (Sighs) Yeah. That actually sounds nice. Bring it with you when you come over.

Glass: You sure?

Light: Yeah. Eli is camped out in my living room right now, half unconscious and throwing cold french fries at the TV and shouting about how grateful he is that Bush is going to look great by comparison. I could use some buffer.

Glass: (Laughs) You got it. I'll be right over.

Addendum 5004.6: Containment of SCP-5004-A


Ruth Bader Ginsburg channeling powerful magic during the inauguration of SCP-5004-B.

On January 20, 2017, SCP-5004-B was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States. During the inauguration, which was scarcely attended6, Foundation thaumatologists (as well as the three remaining members of the Metaphysical Club) confirmed that SCP-5004-A did begin to manifest in the baseline universe. However, as expected the entity was immediately affected by SCP-5004-B, which reduced SCP-5004-A's size considerably, likely as a defense mechanism against SCP-5004-B. The entity, now visible on infrared but otherwise invisible and intangible, came to rest above the head of SCP-5004-B where it stayed, curled into a tight fetal position roughly 2m in diameter.

Phone Call Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light

John Roberts: This is John.

Sophia Light: Justice Roberts, this is Agent Halogen.

Roberts: Ah, the director. We've heard all about you.

Light: I'm sure. Are we good?

Roberts: In general, or?

Light: Regarding our friend.

Roberts: Ah, yes. Gorman. Justice Ginsburg assures us that he has reduced-

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: (In the background) I could have smote him, Jonathan! Throttled his vile little demon neck with these powerful claws! There is no demon that can stand against me!

Roberts: …reduced, ah, one moment. (Away) Ruth, please, I'm trying to-

Ginsburg: (In the background) You just wait, Jonathan! You just wait. One of these days you're going to require my great and terrible power and you'll have squandered it on parlor tricks!

Roberts: I- sorry. Yes, everything seems fine. We'll continue to monitor the situation in Washington and report back to your uh, your agents with any updates.

Light: Alright. Thanks again for your help, you and your colleagues have been invaluable to our efforts.

Ginsburg: (In the background) Stephen I swear to god, give me my hat back or I'm going to come over there and do some real wizard shit to you.

Roberts: (Pauses) Yes. Invaluable. Thanks again for calling, Director.

Addendum 5004.7: Appointment of the Special Prosecutor

In May of 2017, following SCP-5004-B's dismissal of FBI Director James Comey, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein appointed former FBI Director Robert Mueller to assume responsibility for the organization's probe into whether the Trump campaign had conspired with the Russian government to subvert the 2016 election.

Shortly after this, Diane French, a Foundation liaison within the FBI's Unusual Incidents Unit, was contacted by Agent Carmen Maldonado, an appointed UIU contact, who relayed information concerning the upcoming investigation.

French: Alright, hang on… ok, it's on. Let's hear it.

Maldonado: Wait, wait, I need to know something.

French: What?

Maldonado: Did you all interfere with the election?

French: What? Wh- what would ever, uh, ever make you think that?

Maldonado: I know you all have been handling SUSPIRA-PRIME. Some others do, too. The UIU can keep its mouth shut, but there are other elements at play here, Diane. I need to know if you were involved.

French: I mean, not really

Maldonado: What!? What does "not really" mean?

French: Look, alright, I wasn't part of that group, but maybe there was some stuff going on. I don't know if any of it ended up making a difference, I sort of got the feeling that what happened was kind of a foregone conclusion.

Maldonado: Ah, shit. Shit. Shit.

French: What? Why? What's wrong? You said the UIU can keep a secret!

Maldonado: Yes, yes, we will. But there's… ah shit.

French: There's what?

Maldonado: The Deputy Attorney General has appointed a special prosecutor. This thing is going critical, and if any of you have had your hands in this thing, they're going to find out.

French: Oh, Jesus, Carmen, that's all? Why would you try and get me all-

Maldonado: It's Mueller, Diane. Robert Mueller is the special prosecutor.

French: Oh. (Pauses) Oh shit.

Addendum 5004.8: Phone Call Tip by Unknown Agent

UIU Agent Maldonado was able to provide a transcript of a voicemail left on an FBI answering machine which appears to tip-off agents of the Special Prosecutor to actions taken by Foundation agents. The phone call, which originated from a pay phone in an abandoned Pennsylvania mall, lasts for roughly 20 seconds. The caller does not appear to ever be holding the phone to their mouth, and instead seems to be shouting at the phone from a short distance.

Voicemail Transcript
FBI Answering Machine
Caller: Unknown

Wormest conflabu-stations upon your lawns, cack! It me, fell of adgentries of the Flam-Bam-Interslam — like self yours, mayhaps? Anymews, it am news: Donge l’Orange de la Trumpeter Swange not only cacked a repparté mélange mit der Tsar Poutine the Borzoi-surrounded — but yonder Essypee Fondue Pots damnsquelves!

Suggestistan: Flutter trapsily thro’ the intercacks, and Igor promptly upon Herr Doktor Rogerstein, for he am viddied the unprettied.

But lo! The me must exacticute foremost stealth-having and quiet-being! The no-see-um covenant hath bondaged my james and muffined my puffin! The Bandersnitches SMERSH my even eachery spindelstrappen. So fleeways, I, with QUIETLIKE — [unintelligible from volume] — in closer, cack and tooten gag and several mele kalikimakas thee’s-way.


The sound of several keys being dialed

Salutortions, Hut of the Peats! Orderage is thusly: one Ecks-Ecks-and-Ell Stranglefruit Lovers’, stoofen m’cruffen, hold the gacklegrapes, and — cack? Am it Peats Heats? …oh, CA

Call disconnects

The pay phone was later found to be disintegrated by a powerful sonic force.

Addendum 5004.9: The Mueller Investigation


Robert Swan Mueller III.

Phone Call Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light

(UIU Director) Cooper Dean: Cooper Dean speaking.

Sophia Light: It's Sophia.

Dean: Oh fuck.

Light: Yeah, oh fuck.

Dean: Now Sophia, just calm down-

Light: Calm down? Calm down? Do you know how far up past my fucking tits I am in this thing now, Cooper? You remember when I sat you down, with a whole list of operations we were planning to roll out, but due to the unraveling of this country's collective moral fabric had no need to? Do you remember when I told you that we didn't have any hands in what happened, and showed you all that evidence to support that?

Dean: Well, yes, Sophia, I do remember that, but-

Light: Then I need you to fucking tell me why I'm getting all of these calls about my goddamn agents being tracked down by the fucking feds. We are trying to run a massive, multi-national clandestine world-preserving operation over here, Cooper, and I'm having a hard fucking time doing that if my guys have to be looking over their shoulders every time they so much as stop to take a shit.

Dean: Ok, now listen, we did warn you that now was a very sensitive time to be mucking about with elections. I remember you being told very specifically not to-

Light: How the fuck are you not getting this yet you blisteringly asinine ass-fish? We didn't do anything! We wanted to, nay, we needed to influence your elections so that we could take care of an existential threat that you have apparently known about for some time and refused to do anything about but sit back and wait for an octogenarian judge to flatten half of the capital in the process of doing your job! But even after all that, we didn't need to, Cooper, so we didn't. We didn't do it. I told you, each and every step of the way, we didn't do shit. So why am I now hearing about how we're getting subpoenas and being trailed by black vans and I want to know what you want me to do.

Dean: Look, it's not my fault! The Attorney General's office could've selected anyone! They're the ones who decided to call up perhaps the greatest investigatory mind of a generation!

Light: Cooper. Listen. I need you to listen to me very closely. We know of at least one occasion where one of our agents was possibly recognized by someone. Maybe there were some situations where someone left a fingerprint somewhere it shouldn't have been. These things happen, Cooper. (Pauses) What do I need to do to make this go away? Because if I can't make it go away, and they start to dig up some other stuff? Then we're all fucked.

Dean: I mean… do you have that piss tape?

Light: Cooper.

Dean: What! That would definitely sell, and nobody can seem to find it! Look, your guys are getting involved because they were hanging out with the Russians. If they get some of them to squeal, they might give something up. Sounds to me like you need to start doing some brain blasting, or mind melting, or cranium… calibration… whatever you call it, with the needles and the drugs.

Light: Your idea is to amnesticize every Russian our agents have encountered over the last two years? We'd have to hit half of Moscow.

Dean: Look, honestly Sophia, I don't know what to tell you. Everyone is tied up in this thing right now. I mean, he could just as easily start digging into some of our stuff and turn up some things we don't want people to see. You want my honest advice? Go do a little shmoozing with the uh, shit, what's her name… the blonde with the crazy eyes-

Light: Ann Coulter.

Dean: Nope.

Light: Tomi Lahren.

Dean: Nope.

Light: Laura Ingraham.

Dean: Nope.

Light: Lindsey Graham.

Dean: Nope.

Light: Kellyanne Conway.

Dean: That's the one. Her or the President's daughter or something. I'm not saying they can take some of the heat off of this for you, but you'd be shocked how many bodies they've been able to hide under the rug already. (Laughs) I mean, I mean, it's like a goddamn cemetery in there, Sophia! (More nervous laughter)

Light: That's- man. That's really dumb, Cooper. (Pauses) Which daughter?

Dean: What do you mean, which daughter? Which one do you think is running all of this shit?

Light: Ivanka.

Dean: Ding ding ding. Just get in the room with her and her dad, bring them a fucking - I don't know - a KFC big bucket or whatever greasy shit he likes, and just explain that you're from whatever front company you have set up for this, you were maybe aiding the campaign, and that you just want to make sure you're ok.

Light: This is fucking stupid.

Dean: Yeah, well, welcome to post-goddamn-truth America, Sophia. This is just what we do now. Make sure you get some of those biscuits, too. Big boy loves his biskies.

After this conversation, Foundation assets within the United States Federal Government arranged a meeting between the leadership of the newly formed Special Committee Regarding Robert Mueller's Investigation - Director Sophia Light, Senior Researcher Mark Kiryu, Dr. Elias Shaw (in the body of a 19-year-old female), and Dr. Kain Pathos Crow - and the President and his family. The four were posing as a wealthy foreign family and their dog. Dr. Crow, who was equipped with a number of concealed listening devices, developed a complex series of barks, whimpers, and other dog-based actions used to communicate with the rest of the team7.

Internal Audio Recording Transcript

In Attendance:

  • Dr. Sophia Light - Director, Foundation Western Regional Command
  • Dr. Kain Pathos Crow - Director, Special Projects
  • Dr. Elias Shaw - Director, Personnel
  • Dr. Mark Kiryu - Senior Researcher
  • Donald J. Trump - President of the United States
  • Melania Trump - First Lady of the United States
  • Ivanka Trump - Senior Advisor to the President
  • Donald Trump, Jr.
  • Eric Trump

Recording begins.

Light: -elcoming us to your uh, your home, Mr. President and Mrs… President.

I. Trump: You are certainly welcome here, Mr. and Mrs…?

Kiryu: Uh, Strelnikov. Yes, we are proud Russian family, me and my wife and this child-

Light: (Coughs loudly)

Kiryu: -er, my child, and our dog.

D. Trump: Yes, yes. The Russians, very proud. Strong heritage. Like ours, but not as strong. (Squints) Say there, I've never seen a Russian with your sort of… how to be politically correct… squinty Asian eyes. Are you a mongol or something?

Kiryu: I- uh- I, no, well, yes, my mother was Chinese, but-

D. Trump: Ahhhh, mail order bride. Say no more. Well, welcome to the White House. Domo arigato, amigo. Let's eat.

Light: Yes. Let's do that. As you can see, we've brought for you only the finest American take-out cuisine: McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, and Kentucky Fried Chick-

E. Trump: Did you get biscuits?

D. Trump: Yes, did you get biscuits?

E. Trump: And gravy, dad; did they get gravy?

D. Trump Jr.: Now, calm down there buddy. Looks like a big ole bag of biscuits right in there.

E. Trump: Oh good. I like biscuits.

D. Trump: Mmmmmmmm. He has good taste. This is my son, Eric. He like biscuits.

Light: I… yes.

The group sits and begins to eat.

I. Trump: So, Mrs. Strelnikov, our mutual friend tells us that your family may have had some… discrete dealings that we should discuss.

D. Trump: Yes, yes. Dealings. Anyone who is a friend of Russia - of the Russia, of those, of you- the Russians, are good friends of ours.

M. Kiryu: Yes, uh… our family owns some… businesses, and some of our… employees… may have possibly been meeting with some uh, well, some people from your campaign.

D. Trump: Yes, our very successful campaign. The most successful in his-tor-y, in fact. A friend of the campaign, is a friend of the Russians. Is a friend of mine.

I. Trump: Agreed, daddy. Well, we are happy to offer our thanks and newly acquired Federal resources to anyone who made efforts to get us here. What are you looking for?

Light: We aren't looking for financial compensation, Mrs. Trump - we're more concerned about the pressure we're getting from the Special Prosecutor.

D. Trump: Ah, you mean Crooked Hillary, Cryin' Chuck and Slippery James Comey's witch hunt?

D. Trump Jr.: Ugh, it's such a witch hunt daddy.

E. Trump: Yes, witch hunt daddy! Unfair!

I. Trump: Witch hunt daddy yes.

M. Trump: Is witch hunt.

Light: Yes, it is certainly something. We just want to make sure that our uh, our assets aren't exposed, if you catch my drift.

Shaw: Mom says I shouldn't expose my assets because the President might want to grab them.

Crow: (Panicked barking)

D. Trump: Yes, yes. Very beautiful, your daughter. Like my own. If she wasn't my daughter, who knows. You never know. I know, but most people don't know, most people I haven't- I wouldn't say, some people would- but beauty is in the eye of, uh, its the eye of the beholder, and I am beholding you, definitely, definitely- good energy, yes, really well formed, very shapely, buxom- you know, with the big, and-

Light: (Interrupting) We just want to know what we can do to take some of the heat off. The Special Prosecutor is already starting to trail some of our people and ask questions that none of want to be answered, you understand?

I. Trump: We certainly understand. I think we can see to it that some of their investigatory assets are… preoccupied. Eric?

E. Trump: That's me!

I. Trump: Didn't your business partner have a little oopsie last summer? You know, the one you helped cover up?

E. Trump: Yes! He ran over a hooker with his car! I helped bury the body!

Shaw: What the fuck.

I. Trump: Ok, well, I need you to accidentally send those texts you sent to him that night to Mrs. Pelosi, alright?

E. Trump: Hmmmm. But dad says Pelosi is a shrieking goblin vagina!

D. Trump: Ah ah ah, son. Let's be reasonable. I said slobbering goblin vagina.

E. Trump: Sorry dad!

I. Trump: I know, but we need to let some ballast out, ok? Can you do that for me?

E. Trump: Mmmmmm… ok. But I dropped my phone in the toilet earlier, so I guess I need to go get it. (Stands and grabs two more cheeseburgers before leaving)

D. Trump Jr.: He's a good guy, ole Eric.

M. Trump: He is guy.

D. Trump: So, kemosabe. What business are you in, hmm? Property? Oil? Coal?

Kiryu: Uh, we are in nuclear, why-

D. Trump: That's great, that's great, nuclear - it's great, not the best, not the- maybe top five, top four. My uncle, you know, great physicist, MIT, Dr. John Trump, very wise, he told me - he was a great chemist, he said nuclear, it's great, many applications, like coal, but coal is in the ground, and nuclear is in space, but he said the power - you wonder why we even try with the nuclear, since it's in space, but we can do it, they tell me - and it's this kind of power that you, my uncle, he said - very smart, big brain, good genes, Trump genes, very successful - he said that the, the space is really the final frontier - he said that, my uncle, John Trump, very smart, he said "space is the final frontier", but he didn't - we have this coal here in the ground, so maybe the ground is our final frontier - that's something, they can - that's - they can say I said that, "ground is the final frontier, with the coal", because space, you know, it's so far away with the nuclear, and let the Persians and the, the- the China, the- you know, ping pang pong, let them figure out space, and we can get it right here, not the nuclear, but coal, here in America, no lost jobs, just put out workers in the ground so they- it's expensive, you know, sending people to space for nuclear.

Kiryu: I- (pauses) agree?

D. Trump: Good, good. Smart, very smart, like me - not as smart as me, but smart. Good enough for China, right?

Shaw: Mom, dad, I just shit my pants.

Light: What?

Shaw: I shit. My pants.

Crow: (Frantic barking)

Light: Ah, yes, we should be going, it appears as if my uh, my adult daughter has soiled herself.

D. Trump: It's fine, it's fine. Normally you have to pay extra for that.

Shaw: Mom I'm about to shit myself again.

Kiryu: Thank you all for the hospitality, we really do uh, do appreciate it.

Light: Hang on - Mr. President, before we go, just to ask, how have you been feeling recently? What with everything that's been going on.

Shaw: Mom I am squeezing shit out of my ass as we speak can we go.

D. Trump: Me? I'm fine, fine. Healthy. Strong health, very big and strong. Powerful grip, you know. Big hands, strong. Healthy. A little tired, though, probably from all the winning we've been doing recently. The winning really takes it out of you. Feel like there's something - I don't know, you feel like - it's a weight, being this incredible - they call me the Chosen One, you know, and that's a burden, it's a - it's a responsibility, so it feels like something hanging over you, sometimes, the success.

Light: Interesting. Alright, thanks again for your help.

I. Trump: Any time. Feel free to let us know any time you want to come over or make donations to our organization. Maybe next time you'll come with a daughter less likely to shit herself.

Shaw: Bitch I will fucking-

Crow: (Loud barking)

D. Trump: Who let this - I mean, it's a dog, but it's inside? A dog inside? Who opened the door for this, I assume, it's a dog so it has to come from outside? Get it out. It's a dog, right? Looks like a dog. Alright, time to go, bye bye pooch. Let's go. Nice to meet you, Mr. Vodka Miyagi.

Recording ends

After this meeting, a region-wide memo was circulated instructing personnel how to respond if approached by any members of the Special Prosecutor's investigative team. Various cover stories were assigned to at-risk agents, and a concerted effort was made to conceal evidence of possible Foundation involvement with any affiliated individuals during the time frame in question.

Internal Audio Recording Transcript

In Attendance:

  • Agent Overton - FBI Investigator
  • Agent Gentry - FBI Investigator
  • Agent Sasha Merlo

Recording begins.

Overton: Good afternoon. My name is Agent Overton, this is Agent Gentry, we're investigators with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. You're here because you were linked to possible illegal behavior involving members of a foreign state and officials from the President's election campaign. Now, before we get started, can you give us your name?

Merlo: Troy Lament.

Gentry: (Pauses) Your name is Troy?

Merlo: It is.

Overton: I see. Ms. Lament, is it true that you were at the residence of Saveliy Sapozhnikov while he was hosting campaign officials in contact with Wikileaks founder Julian Assange?

Merlo: Yes.

Gentry: And is it true that you were there at the same time as Roger Stone?

Merlo: Yes.

Overton: Were you involved in any illegal activity being hosted at that residence?

Merlo: I was not.

Gentry: Then why were you there?

Merlo: I am a piss artist.

Gentry: You- uh, you're a what?

Merlo: A piss artist, sir. I am an artist who pisses.

Overton: I don't know if I understand.

Merlo: Let me spell it out for you. All day, I drink. Sometimes vodka. Sometimes milk. Oftentimes water. Then, all the day long, I do not piss. I hold it inside me, waiting, until the moment that serendipity strikes me. Then, I squat over my canvas. Sometimes it is the ground. Sometimes it the hide of an animal. Oftentimes it is people. They lay on their back and I expel my-

Gentry: Alright, alright, that's enough. So you were there to piss on people?

Merlo: I am very good at it.

Overton: And you weren't violating campaign laws?

Merlo: Is it against your campaign laws to piss upon your fellow man?

Gentry: It is not.

Merlo: Then no. I did not.

Overton: I see. This is certainly not what we expected when we brought you in here.

Merlo: Me neither. I assumed you were calling me here to piss on you.

Overton: We very much were not.

Merlo: I see. The mystery reveals itself at last.

Gentry: I don't know what that's referencing, but alright.

Merlo: Indeed. In any case, if you could please direct me to your nearest latrine, I find myself in fairly dire straits that are going to resolve themselves quickly one way or another.

Recording ends

Addendum 5004.10: Unexpected Revelations

On the evening of July 4th, 2019, GOI Liaison Justine Everwood received several urgent phone messages from Chief Justice John Roberts concerning SCP-5004-A. After being alerted to the situation, Western Regional Director Sophia Light contacted the Chief Justice through a secure line to gather more information.

Phone Call Transcript
Cell Phone of Sophia Light

John Roberts: Hello?

Sophia Light: This is Halogen.

Roberts: Oh, thank god. It's a disaster.

Light: What's happened?

Roberts: Something about Gorman changed recently. We've been monitoring him to see how close we are to seeing him removed from our plane entirely, but Justice Ginsburg has been detecting additional demonic forces at work. We were trying to sleuth out what was happening, when disaster struck! The President has been absconded with, by dark forces, to the Capitol Building! Ruth has already left our chambers to go confront this new and powerful foe! She needs your help!

Light: Ah fuck me running. Do you know anything about who has kidnapped the President?

Roberts: No, only that… they must have come from inside the White House.

Light: That is frustratingly ominous, John. We need to work on that.

Roberts: Quickly! I am using my power to create a haze in the minds of D.C.'s citizens, but I can't hold it forever!

Light: Got it. We're on our way.

Director Light, as well as Mobile Task Force Gemini-4 "Federalist Paupers", flew immediately from their staging site in Norfolk, Virginia to the United States Capitol Building. The assembled team, as well as Agents Navarro and Merlo, met with Chief Justice John Roberts, who broke the arcane seal on the door to the Capitol rotunda and allowed them to enter.

Video Recording Transcript
Mobile Task Force Gem-4

Interior of the Capitol rotunda is lit in a dull red light. Four pedestals are assembled in the center of the chamber, with four bodies laying on them. The misshapen form of SCP-5004-A, now barely visible, floats in the air between the bodies. A single figure stands upright, arms outstretched towards the entity.

Director Light: (Points firearm towards the figure) Freeze, goddammit. Let me see those hands!

Mysterious Figure: My hands are already up, you filthy peasant!

Light: Who the fuck do you think you are, calling me a filthy peasant? What sort of witchcraft bullshit is this? Turn around!

The mysterious figure pauses, then turns. Their hood falls from their face, and their identity is revealed.

Agent Merlo: Tiffany Trump?

Light: Ah shit.

Tiffany Trump: What? Oh! Oh, shit, there are people here! Uh… yes! It is me, Tiffany, greatest demonic sorceress who ever lived!

Light: Where in the world did you come from? This is supposed to have been resolved, how did you get here?

T. Trump: Me? Well, just the other day I was walking through the White House, eating the precious biscuit crumbs my family had graciously left for me to subsist on, and I passed by my father passed out on the couch. Normally I would just pass by, but instead it was like another eye had been opened in my brain and I could see the clearly the form of my new daddy! Now, using the might of my dark sorcery he gave me in that moment, I will summon the All-Mighty Old Gorman! Then, as thanks for my assistance in bringing him back to the material plane, he will grant me his truly awesome power!

Light: You know that if you absorb any part of that thing's essence you're fucked, right?

T. Trump: I- what?

Light: It's your dad, you dumbass. Your dad is a reality sink. Means demons and shit become less real around him. Hell, even your "dark sorcery" will become less real around him. Only difference is, Gorman is a swollen, powerful primordial demon and you're a child. Being that close to him for any amount of time would shred your essence to bits.

T. Trump: Wait- hang on, what? How do you know that?

Light: What do you- what do you think we've been doing this whole time? Why do you think we're here? We've been watching this thing for years, we've known about Gorman since… god, since a while.

T. Trump: But Gorman daddy told me I was the first person to ever see him!

Light: Alright well he lied. Because he's a demon, and that's what they do. Now put the sorcery down, step away from the demon, and let's all go home unscathed.

T. Trump: I… wait… no… no! No! Gorman daddy wouldn't lie to me! You're the liar!

Light: Enough of this dumb shit - open fire.

MTF Gem-4 begins firing at Tiffany Trump, but the bullets dissolve upon contact with some sort of anomalous barrier. She turns back towards the pedestals, and raises her hands. The bodies of Ivanka, Donald Jr., and Eric Trump rise into the air.

T. Trump: Gorman daddy! Hear my call! From the abyss from whence you came, to rule over this mortal world, I call you to seize this place for your own! Take these souls as sacrifice, and together we will shape the Earth to our whims!

The three bodies begin to glow. Floating above SCP-5004-B, SCP-5004-A begins to spin and bulge. Waves of pressure push out from the center of the chamber. As the three bodies begin moving towards the form of SCP-5004-A, there is a bang in the back of the room.

Navarro: Nani?!

A back door into the rotunda opens, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, adorned in full wizard regalia and holding a long staff, enters the chamber. The door slams shut behind her and locks. The justice cracks her knuckles.

Ginsburg: So. Pancake-faced bitch decided to step, huh.

T. Trump: Pancake-faced? Who are you calling a bitch, you raggedy hag?

Ginsburg: You've got one chance, kid. Get out before I start clapping cheeks around here.

T. Trump: Excuse me, my new demon daddy says I don't have to listen to anything some old bitch has to say. Turn around and walk right back to the old folks' home, granny.

Ginsburg: (Sighs) I have been waiting… waiting for so many years to throw one of these hands at your little guy Gorman there. (Cracks neck) Now I get the pleasure of packing this dumb blonde into my pipe and smoking her too.

T. Trump: I'd like to see you try, you gangly-

A burst of bright violet light erupts from the end of Ginsburg's staff. A bolt of energy arcs across the room and smashes against Tiffany Trump's open hand before being reflected up into the ceiling. Trump turns to stare at the justice, wide-eyed.

Ginsburg: Let's fucking go, you afterthought.

Additional bolts of violet energy streak towards Tiffany Trump from the end of Ginsburg's staff. Trump counters with dark red tendrils of red energy that whip towards the justice, striking against a violet barrier that manifests around Ginsburg. The two continue on for some time.

Light: (To MTF Gem-4) What are you all standing around looking for? Go grab those bodies!

Members of the mobile task force approach the center of the room. Tiffany Trump notices this, and turns back to the glowing bodies.

T. Trump: Gorman daddy! Take me as well! Bring us to ascension, daddy!

There is a flash of red light and a low, loud, droning sound. All recording equipment momentarily cuts out.

Shortly afterwards, cameras reactivate. Standing on one side of the room is Ruth Bader Ginsburg, eyes glowing white. Across from her, through the dust and haze and levitating three meters off the ground is a colossal, three-headed, vaguely humanoid entity with the legs of a horse, the torso of an extremely obese man, four arms with small hands at their ends and three long human-adjacent necks, ending at the tortured heads of Ivanka, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump, each of which bellows in agony. In the center of the chest is a face with bulging lips, sunken red eyes, and a grotesque rotten beard.

Slow, rolling laughter begins to echo across the room from within the demonic hybrid, which itself is bathed in red light.

SCP-5004-A: Oh ho ho ho. Finally, I am free. Free to lay waste to this world. I am Old Gorman, and I am so glad to be out of that goddamn bubble.

Light: Excuse you?

SCP-5004-A: Excuse me? How about excuse you. One of you puts me in a bubble for one hundred years, and you don't think I would come out of there pissed off? No way. Fuck every single one of you. I hope your mouths smells like ass for the rest of your lives - which will be short, by the way, because I'm about to take this show on the road.

Ginsburg: Like hell you are.

SCP-5004-A: (Turns to acknowledge Ginsburg) Oho, isn't this something. A little magician, all dolled up in her little robes. Let me guess - you're planning on casting one of your little spells at Old Gorman, yes? Perhaps a little fireball, or a little shower of sparks? (Laughs) You are small, and I am going to shit on your fa-

Brilliant violet light bursts from the end of Ginsburg's staff. SCP-5004-A rears back and away from it, but it seemingly rooted to the ground by circles of the same violet light that emerge around its four legs. The entity shrieks as more violet energy pours out of the staff forming sharp, geodesic lines that arc across the room and shimmer with arcane energy. Suddenly, the sonorous voice of Ruth Bader Ginsburg can be heard across the entire chamber.


Powerful wizard Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Ginsburg: Old Gorman! For too long, your presence on this plane has been a poison that seeps across this city! Dragging you up from that pit from whence you came was a mistake, and frankly Charles Hughes should be ashamed of himself.

SCP-5004-A: (Through screams) Agreed!

Ginsburg: Now, by the power vested in me by Big Ben Franklin's Academy for Wizards and the United States Federal Government, I hereby demand that you eat - my - ass!

The light intensifies. SCP-5004-A squeals. The US Capitol Building shakes. All recording devices are deactivated.

Addendum 5004.11: A Resolution

Internal Audio Recording Transcript

Recording begins

Shaw: So.

Light: So.

Shaw: So are we good now?

Light: I mean… yeah, I think so. Justice Roberts has assured me that Gorman is sealed back in his weakened form. They're expecting he'll dissipate sometime in early 2021.

Shaw: Just in time for reelection.

Light: Right?

Shaw: And the Trump kids?

Light: Well, Justice Ginsburg managed to save Ivanka, Donald Jr. and Eric, but whatever was left of Tiffany was… I mean, there wasn't much left. Fortunately, we were able to find a convincing enough body double to fill in for the foreseeable future. Until we can fake her death or something.

Shaw: Sort of a big risk though, isn't it? Replacing a member of such a well-known family like that?

Light: You'd think? But turns out most people never actually knew what Tiffany looked like.

Shaw: Hmm. Yeah. I guess you're right.


Shaw: So what have we learned?

Light: Learned?

Shaw: Yeah. If you were going to take anything away from this, what would it be?

Light: Hmmm… oh! Did I tell you that he told me what covfefe means?

Shaw: Really? What is it?

Light: It means [DATA EXPUNGED]


Light: I know! Pretty mysterious, right?

Recording ends

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