Fifty SCP articles. Fifty words each. No more, no less.
The Foundation's internal database requires a minimum wordcount of 50. For most articles, that isn't a problem.
These are not those articles.
Attached are 50 articles that only barely met wordcount. 50 articles that bravely ask, "what if the Foundation was much, much lazier?"
This is SCP-50-J. Go explore! Briefly.
SCP-50-J-1
Item #: SCP-50-J-1
Object Class: Neutralized
Special Containment Procedures: Kept in Site-19 small storage.
Description: A lamp formerly containing a genie. All three wishes have been expended, rendering it useless.
Wishes were for:
- Infinite wishes (Refused. Wish still expended.)
- The first wish back (Refused. Wish still expended.)
- A thousand dollars (Granted.)
SCP-50-J-2
Item #: SCP-50-J-2
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: We can't catch it, so if it breaks loose we have to trap it. It breaks loose often. Lure it with lettuce/berries. Don't step on it unless you want to ricochet off and slam into a wall.
Description: Really fast turtle.
SCP-50-J-3
Item #: SCP-50-J-3
Object Class: Keter (?)
Special Containment Procedures: Upper management told us we need to find this thing and make sure it's locked down but none of us really understand what they mean. They seem to think we already know? We're afraid to ask.
Description: Something called a "sex yeti."
SCP-50-J-4
Item #: SCP-50-J-4
Object Class: Safe Explained
Special Containment Procedures: Kept in Site-19 small storage. None needed.
Description: SCP-50-J-4 is a "one-way window." Looking out the window, one sees the interior of the room it was installed in, rather than being able to see outside.
Addendum: This was a mirror.
SCP-50-J-5
Item #: SCP-50-J-5
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: An elite squad of English professors have been deployed to correct SCP-50-J-5's errant philosophy.
Description: SCP-50-J-5 are infinite monkeys with typewriters. All believe that William Shakespeare pales in comparison to his contemporary Thomas Middleton, and refuse to reproduce his works on principle.
SCP-50-J-6
Item #: SCP-50-J-6
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: We are doomed.
Description: SCP-50-J-6 is a supercomputer currently posed to destroy reality as we know it unless the Foundation administrator formally states that "Death of a Bachelor is not a very good album."
"Tonight, we die with integrity intact."
- The Administrator
SCP-50-J-7
Item #: SCP-50-J-7
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-J-7 is currently kept in the Site-19 staff break room, but may be moved to small storage in the near future in order to improve morale.
Description: SCP-50-J-7 is a LEGO minifigure that knows what a funeral is. It is otherwise non-sentient.
SCP-50-J-8
Item #: SCP-50-J-8
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Unit has been moved to Site-19 and sealed from use.
Description: SCP-50-J-8 is the ontological opposite of a shower. It consists of a concave dome floor and a spigot that produces mud and ants. Also includes an "anti-loofa," sometimes called a shuriken.
SCP-50-J-9
Item #: SCP-50-J-9
Object Class: Thaumiel
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-J-9, alongside a set of novelty jangly keys, may be used exclusively to secure funding for Foundation operations. Targets must be amnesticized afterwards.
Description: SCP-50-J-9 is a magical amulet which allows its wearer to mentally age regress the hosts of 'Shark Tank.'
SCP-50-J-10
Item #: SCP-50-J-10
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: Technically, SCP-50-J-10 does not produce visible anomalous effects until its wearer takes it off. Trained snipers have been assigned to its current wearer and given license to kill if and when that happens.
Description: SCP-50-J-10 is the helmet that makes you bald.
SCP-50-J-11
Item #: SCP-50-J-11
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Don't eat it!
Description: SCP-50-J-11 is the 'Danger Crepe.' Eating it causes infinite pain.
<Begin Interview Log>
Dr. Glocktor: Why'd you make the 'Danger Crepe'?
Chef Evil: For evil!!!
Chef Evil flips over a table and jumps out the window.
<End Log>
SCP-50-J-12
Item #: SCP-50-J-12
Object Class: Inert
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-J-12 is effectively non-anomalous as long as Scrat remains a fictional character from the Ice Age films. Notify the site director if this changes.
Description: SCP-50-J-12 is a telephone which allows you to 'talk to Scrat.' It is unclear what this means.
SCP-50-J-13
Item Number Is:
SCP dash 50 J,
and then dash 13.
Object Class Is: Safe.
It's just in this article.
Won't need containment.
The Description Is:
An SCP that must be
written in haiku.
It is very hard
to keep track of sounds and words
both at the same time.
SCP-50-J-14
Item #: SCP-50-J-14
Object Class: Likely Keter
Special Containment Procedures: The boiler room in Site-19 has been completely cordoned off and may be destroyed.
Description: SCP-50-J-17 is an extremely upsetting-looking dead frog that Creig saw in the boiler room last week. The site director agrees it probably, like, does something.
SCP-50-J-15
Item #: SCP-50-J-15
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: The robot we made to replace Micheal Phelps was overtuned. It's an Olympian now. At this point we just have to admit we bungled this one and move on.
Description: SCP-50-J-15 is Micheal Phelps, a man who explodes if he touches water.
SCP-50-J-16
Item #: SCP-50-J-16
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: We have given it its paperclip and a single 500-page stack of blank copy paper. It can now safely be left alone.
Description: SCP-50-J-16 is an artificial intelligence that, misunderstanding its assignment, is currently attempting to use one paperclip infinite times.
SCP-50-J-17
Item #: SCP-50-J-17
Object Class: Unknown
Special Containment Procedures: Everyone's motorcycle-driving single uncles have been detained and will be interrogated until we can ascertain what SCP-50-J-21 is, where it can be sourced, and what anomalous properties, if any, it possesses.
Description: SCP-50-J-17 is the substance known only as 'awesome sauce.'
SCP-50-J-18
Item #: SCP-50-J-18
Object Class: Thaumiel
Special Containment Procedures: Used to secure Foundation funding.
Description: SCP-50-J-18 is Millie Habberknack, a Foundation accountant who always draws Two Pair in poker.
Addendum: Two Pair is not actually a very good hand, and SCO-50-J-18's financial usefulness was exaggerated.
Funding Goal Plan B: Fire Millie.
SCP-50-J-19
Item #: SCP-50-J-19
Object Class: Uncontained
Special Containment Procedures: Site-19's seasonal intern team have misplaced SCP-50-J-19. Low-priority retrieval efforts are necessary.
A reminder: Accusing interns of mishandling/stealing SCP objects without direct evidence is against policy and may result in punitive action.
Description: SCP-50-J-19 is an infinitely-regenerating weed brownie.
SCP-50-J-20
Item #: SCP-50-J-20
Object Class: N/A
Special Containment Procedures: 'Freaky flow' or 'making it despite the odds' are not valid paranormal properties. If 'SCP-50-J-20' enters Site-19, shoo him away with a broom.
Description: SCP-50-J-20 is American playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda, who, despite repeated attempts to "turn himself in," is non-anomalous.
SCP-50-J-21
Item #: SCP-50-J-21
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: As biology's perfect lifeform, SCP-50-J-21 is expected to entirely overtake humanity if it reproduces. As biology's perfect lifeform, it may also learn to reproduce asexually through sheer force of will. Keep sedated and monitored at all times.
Description: Horse with human hands.
SCP-50-J-22
Item #: SCP-50-J-22
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: In the same box in my office.
Description: It's a second rock that makes you procrastinate.
Addendum: After exposure to SCP-___-J, SCP-50-J-22 has never again made anyone procrastinate. Do not reclassify as "neutralized." I'm sure it'll get back around to it eventually.
SCP-50-J-23
Item #: SCP-50-J-23
Object Class: Self-Contained
Special Containment Procedures: None needed.
Description: SCP-50-J-23 refers to the fact that bumblebees could speak if they ever wanted to. However, the only thing bumblebees ever have to say is "buzz" (beespeak for "I am a bee,") so the whole point is kind of moot.
SCP-50-J-24
Item #: SCP-50-J-24
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Both targets of SCP-50-J-24 will be detained as soon as possible and eliminated if necessary. Full militarized force is authorized.
Description: SCP-50-J-24 refers to a recent anomalous event during which a country boy and a city girl really did fall in love.
SCP-50-J-25
Item #: SCP-50-J-25
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Global amnestics delivered. A research team will study how SCP-50-J-25 happened, how to prevent it from happening again, and who exactly holds server administrator privileges.
Description: SCP-50-J-25 was a six-hour period in which "Big Head Mode" was enabled for baseline reality.
SCP-50-J-26
Item #: SCP-50-J-26
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: Kept in Site-19 small storage. Do not, under any circumstances, bop it.
Description: SCP-50-J-26 is a sentient game of "Bop It." SCP-50-J-26 expresses a well-intentioned desire to make its game "reciprocal," which leads to frequent blunt force injuries and accidental casualties.
SCP-50-J-27
Item #: SCP-50-J-27
Object Class: Inert
Special Containment Procedures: None needed.
Description: SCP-50-J-27 is a lost episode of the animated series 'The Jetsons,' which is likely haunted and may involve a character dying or their eyes bleeding or something. Nobody has ever actually watched 'The Jetsons,' rendering the lost episode powerless.
SCP-50-J-28
Item #: SCP-50-J-28
Object Class: Explained
Special Containment Procedures: The packaging scared us at first, but this one's non-anomalous.
Description: A bottle of 'Dr. Wondertainment's Permanently Sour Supercandy!' Advertised as a candy that provides 'a sour sensation the rest of your life,' opening the package reveals it to just be batteries.
SCP-50-J-29
Item #: SCP-50-J-29
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: We may just have to destroy this one.
Description: A sapient video game cartridge that understands its acquisition by the Foundation as a form of piracy, and routinely emits alerts to local, national, and international authorities to inform them of the theft.
SCP-50-J-30
Item #: SCP-50-J-30
Object Class: Big
Special Containment Procedures: Containment is not possible, as SCP-50-J-30 is simply too big.
Description: SCP-50-J-30 refers to a boulder that is the biggest thing ever. Direct size comparisons always reveal SCP-50-J-30 to be larger than any given object. Do not compare its size to Earth's.
SCP-50-J-31
Item #: SCP-50-J-31
Object Class: Oink!
Special Containment Procedures: Oinkish squeal!
Description: Oink oink oink. Snort! Oink! Oinky oink sniff sniff snort oink. GIVE TRUFFLES NOW.
Administrative Notice: Following the submission of this article, the Foundation's Pig Incorporation Initiative has been deemed a rousing success. Look at the little guy type!
SCP-50-J-32
Item #: SCP-50-J-32
Object Class: Self-Contained
Special Containment Procedures: None needed.
Description: SCP-50-J-32 refers to a mime of superhuman ability. Further containment has been deemed unnecessary, as she is already very clearly trapped in an invisible box. Research has demonstrated that she puts her hands up against it and everything!
SCP-50-J-33
Item #: SCP-50-J-33
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-J-33's ice and air variants have both been demonstrated to be non-anomalous and therefore released from containment. Its earth, fire, water, and lightning variants, however, must be hidden from the public however possible.
Description: SCP-50-J-33 are the various elemental forms of hockey.
SCP-50-J-34
Item #: SCP-50-J-34
Object Class: Exempt
Special Containment Procedures: How about we just give up on this one.
Description: SCP-50-J-34 are three items which must be transported to Site-19 without any item destroying another:
SCP-50-J-34-1 is an anomalous wolf.
SCP-50-J-34-2 is an anomalous goat.
SCP-50-J-34-3 is an anomalous head of cabbage.
SCP-50-J-35
Item #: SCP-50-J-35
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Kept in Site-19's break room to improve morale.
Description: SCP-50-J-35 is a porcelain lawn gnome that, when in an observer's peripheral vision, does a silly little jig. When it is directly observed, the gnome remains completely motionless, save for occasional mischievous giggling.
SCP-50-J-36
Item #: SCP-50-J-36
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: The object is relentlessly hostile and has no known weaknesses.
Avoid contact whenever possible. If contact is necessary, use extreme caution and keep secure protective armor worn at all times. Anesthetics and muscle relaxants are strongly recommended before contact.
Description: Tickle monster.
SCP-50-J-37
Item #: SCP-50-J-37
Object Class: Awesome Unstoppable
Special Containment Procedures: None, because SCP-50-J-37… was actually the Administrator all along!!!
Description: So basically her name is Rave Maximum Gunfire and she has jet black hair and her arms are guns and she's a Kill-Class Ultra Reality Bender and the strongest SCP and
SCP-50-J-38
Item #: SCP-50-J-38
Object Class: Probably Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Containment procedures can come later. Every employee at Site-19 just won a million dollars at the same time!!!!!
Description: Something about a scam email with 100% effectiveness or whatever? I can't focus on writing this report, I'm about to be RICH!
SCP-50-J-39
Item #: SCP-50-J-39
Object Class: Bottomless
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-J-39 is harmless so long as it does not tip over. If SCP-50-J-39 does tip over, a Breadstick Flood Event will begin. Evacuate the facility and contact Olive Garden's armaments division.
Description: SCP-50-J-39 is a truly bottomless bowl of Olive Garden breadsticks.
SCP-50-J-40
Item #: SCP-50-J-40
Object Class: Unimportant
Special Containment Procedures: Just don't go there, idiot.
Description: SCP-50-J-40 is some kind of yellow Sears-looking place with a bunch of rooms in it. Little is known about the location due to lack of interest on the part of Foundation staff. It's just rooms.
SCP-50-J-41
Item #: SCP-50-J-41
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: A team of 1930's mafia mobsters with baseball bats are being assembled to counteract the effects of SCP-50-J-41 directly. We should make sure they're well-paid.
Description: SCP-50-J-41 is an anomalous medical condition which causes its victims to spontaneously grow additional kneecaps.
SCP-50-J-42
Item #: SCP-50-J-42
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: We put it in a box and put the box in a bigger box and sealed it in concrete and dropped it into the ocean and covered the ocean in concrete and then put the ocean in a box.
Description: Spooky Ghost!
SCP-50-J-43
Item #: SCP-50-J-43
Object Class: Thaumiel
Special Containment Procedures: After careful deliberation, Site-19 staff have decided to forgo any containment measures and instead all create accounts on SCP-50-J-43. I mean, when a chance like this comes around, you gotta shoot your shot, right?
Description: SCP-50-J-43 is a minotaur-inclusive dating site.
SCP-50-J-44
Item #: SCP-50-J-44
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Locating SCP-50-J-44's region of origin is a top priority.
A reminder: research efforts are no excuse to waste Foundation resources on pizza parties.
Description: SCP-50-J-44 is an unnamed regional style of pizza which includes "imaginary ham" and "space yeast" in its ingredients.
SCP-50-J-45
Item #: SCP-50-J-45
Object Class: Uncontained
Special Containment Procedures: Let's just wait and see where they're going with this.
Description: SCP-50-J-45 is an internet community dedicated to speedrunning their own dreams. The community is currently attempting to save an entire sleep cycle through a potential new strategy they call "REM Skip."
SCP-50-J-46
Item #: SCP-50-J-46
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Instances of SCP-50-J-46 are unpredictable, aggressive, and easily threatened, owing to their lack of general awareness. When encountering an aggressive instance of SCP-50-J-46, it's possible to calm them by providing "Nature's Valley" granola bars and dad rock.
Description: White men with dreadlocks.
SCP-50-J-47
Item #: SCP-50-J-47
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-J-47 has yet to be officially adopted. However, the Unicode Consortium, whose authority overrides the Foundation's, has motioned to approve its publication.
There is no preventing this.
Description: SCP-50-J-47 is a proposed new emoji that punches you if you look at it.
SCP-50-J-48
Item #: SCP-50-J-48
Object Class: Thaumiel
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-J-48 will provide free energy to all Foundation facilities so long as they remain "naughty." The Ethics Committee must ensure that they do not exceed ethics limits before Christmas each year.
Description: SCP-50-J-48 is the Christmas elf that makes all the coal.
SCP-50-J-49
Item #: SCP-50-J-49
Object Class: French
Special Containment Procedures: Interactions with SCP-50-J-49 must be as French as possible.
Description: SCP-50-J-49 is a monster that becomes aggressive when its environment is insufficiently French. Potential triggers include:
- British accents.
- Poorly-directed films.
- Linguistic descriptivism.
- Meals that consist of less than 40% heavy cream.
SCP-50-J-50
Item #: SCP-50-J-50
Object Class: Whatever
Special Containment Procedures: Just lock them all up in spare storage. We're done here.
Description: Eighteen Draculas, thirteen werewolves, a dozen donuts that give you superpowers if you eat them, two games of "Jumanji," a pair of twins with a psychic link, and a bigfoot.
Cite this page as:
"SCP-50-J" by DS al Coda, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/scp-50-j. Licensed under CC BY-SA.
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