rating: +3+x

Item #: SCP-3837

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3837 is to be kept in a standard humanoid containment chamber at Site-42. No meals are to be near 7 meters of SCP-3837's housing area. All questions from SCP-3837 regarding if one has consumed corn are to be either denied or ignored.

Requests from SCP-3837 are to be reviewed by Project Lead Dr. Stockman.

Description: SCP-3837 is a sapient ear of corn (Zea mays) partially covered with leaves. It has thin makeshift arms and legs composed of 0.6 mm thick stalks, and it stands 0.2 m tall. Its arms terminate in four digits, one of which is an opposable thumb.

SCP-3837 is capable of vocalizing in English via unknown means. It is also capable of reacting to visual or auditory stimuli. For example, covering it under a blanket will render it to be unable to see. Also, SCP-3837 is able to 'sleep' despite not needing to, but has stated to do so to "dream of new things" when it is bored.

SCP-3837 is egotistical and partially illogical. It can be irritable and has an intense dislike for goats (Capra aegagrus hircus) or anyone that consumes corn. It conceives 'inventions' that serve no purpose or any function for its endeavor.

SCP-3837 was found on 5/12/97 at a farm in Kentucky attempting to attack livestock with a spoon. The owner of the property contacted authorities, and was recovered by Mobile Task Force Iota-10 ("Damn Feds"). Since its initial containment, SCP-3837 has shown no signs of aging.

Addendum 01: Interview Transcript

Interviewed: SCP-3837

Interviewer: Dr. Pattinson

<Begin Log>

SCP-3837: Tell me human have you consumed my brethren?

Dr. Pattinson: No. I'm just here to ask you some questions.

SCP-3837: Well, okay. Ask away.

Dr. Pattinson: (Sighs) So, how were you created?

SCP-3837: I grew like all fine corn do! You know, with a bit of sunshine and water. Then, I awoken with my siblings to protect all of corn kind from the goats and all who eats corn! It's really simple.

Dr. Pattinson: Siblings?

SCP-3837: Yes, but sadly they are no longer with me. The Goatman had ate them at birth. (Raises a fist dramatically)

Dr. Pattinson: The Goatman?

SCP-3837: Yes! Baw and all! I speculate it could be the lord of the goats due to its different looks to any other smelly goat. Obviously, I was luckily the only survivor of that encounter. May we have a moment of silence for my fallen corn?

SCP-3837 is silent for four seconds before resuming.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Dr. Pattinson: Your siblings. Anyway, how did you survive?

SCP-3837: I'm not so sure. Maybe he got full? Who knows, but he made a big mistake! I will come and get revenge one day. I don't think soon but eventually I will. I just need to think of how I'll build a corn bomb that will turn him and all corn eaters into corn. Or maybe build a cannon that shoots grapefruits. I'm not sure, but I'll think of something.

Dr. Pattinson: Yes, well, next question. Why this dislike for goats in particular? You constantly mention them explicitly.

SCP-3837: Because they single us out, the corn, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! I feel that is obvious. Also, it is my duty to get rid of them before we the corn perish. A world without corn would suck!

Dr. Pattinson: Yes, well, I think we are done.

SCP-3837: I was thinking the same…sorta. Anyway, back to planning or whatever I was doing before you showed up.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: An investigation has shown a farmer, named Elliot Pines, had made a report of his crops being destroyed. Agents were sent to interrogate Mr. Pines and the transcript of the interview is available in Addendum 03.

Addendum 02: Observation Log

SCP-3837 was exposed to an ear of corn to see if any anomalous interaction would occur.

Observational Log 3837 Summary

Subject: SCP-3837

Preface: A bowl containing an ear of corn was placed on a table, and SCP-3837 was brought in the testing chamber shortly after.

Observation Notes: After roughly one minute of idly standing, SCP-3837 approaches the table and climbs onto the chair. SCP-3837 then climbed on to the table and moved to the ear of corn. SCP-3837 then begins to speak to it as if it were a female, and starts flirting with it. Below is an excerpt of its 'conversation':

SCP-3837: Listen, I got arms and I'm, like pretty tall. You have the most beautiful kernels and leaves! We are practically perfect together! How about we go on a thing humans call a date?

Brief silence

SCP-3837: Playing hard to get, are we? Well, I don't give up so easily!

Brief silence.

SCP-3837: Silent treatment, huh? Well, two can play that game!

SCP-3837 turns its back to the corn and remains silent for four seconds before resuming.

SCP-3837: Oh, I can't stay mad at you. Bring it here, my sweet kernel.

SCP-3837 hugs the ear of corn.

SCP-3837 'converses' with the corn for seven minutes before walking away and stepping down from the table. Personnel entered the chamber to return SCP-3837 to its cell. During transport, it boasted to personnel that it got the phone number

Incident Report 3837: SCP-3837 managed to escape its chamber, due to a malfunction from a breach that occurred. SCP-3837 wandered the facility and found itself in the cafeteria, which at the time was serving corn. SCP-3837 reacted in fright and stated "Oh my cob!" before 'fainting'. SCP-3837 was motionless and returned to its chamber where it 'awoken'. SCP-3837 asked personnel if it were sleeping, and personnel successfully persuaded it that the incident was just a nightmare.

Addendum 03: SCP-3837's place of origin was located on the property of Mr. Elliot Pines, who had made a phone call detailing a creature eating his corn. Below is a transcript of the interview with Mr. Pines.

Interviewed: Mr. Elliot Pines

Interviewer: Agent Vincent Hernandez

<Begin Log>

Agent Hernandez: Alright, please tell me what happened with your corn.

Mr. Pines: Some damn thing that looks like a goat ate my damn corn! I been growing them for a while and it ruined it all! It needs to be hunted for damaging my livelihood, and for leaving me a mess to clean up.

Agent Hernandez: What type of corn were you growing?

Mr. Pines: Boy, what are you talking about? Are you stupid or something? There is no other type of corn. Are you guys going to help me kill the damn-

Agent Hernandez: Calm down, sir. So you are sure you were just growing corn?

Mr. Pines: Uh, yeah. What is this-

Agent Hernandez: We have one of your corn in our custody, and we need you to start talking. How did you make it and why were you-

(Mr. Pines rises from chair and pulls out an ear of corn from within his coat, and raises it into the air.)

Mr. Pines: Praise Srqnabotf! (Throws corn to the floor)

Agent Hernandez: What the-

<End Log>

Closing Statement: The room suddenly began to be filled halfway with popcorn. Agent Hernandez was retrieved and unharmed while Mr. Pines was not found. Mr. Pines have been designated POI-3837 and efforts are being made to track him.

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