13/08/15
can't leave. none of us can. but i have my camera. i'll take pictures every now and then. make sure i know it happened, that it's not just some terrible dream.
06/10/15
Tristan was telling me about a few years ago. he's been here since he was 11. at one point, he, Alexis, and Lee were the only ones here. he was telling me about how the three of them used to ride down the street in the old red wagon in Kate's yard. Lee cut himself on the rust one day, and that was when they knew it was time to stop, so they repurposed it into a flower bed. it's gone to seed now, but still pretty.
asked him why nobody ever crossed the border. he answered that he'd done that a couple times, but the air felt so different, so wrong, like he wasn't supposed to be there, that he crossed back almost immediately. he said that, a while back, there was a kid named Dylon who was pretty brave, so he crossed the border and nobody ever saw him again.
asked if there were anything keeping them from leaving besides fear. he said no, but even if there was nothing stopping us, we could only get so far before we run out of food.
stupid.
24/04/16
animals can pass through. was watching the robins the other day, noticed they disappeared once they crossed the border, but reappeared once they crossed back.
thought it was a pretty big development, and brought it to Tristan, but he said they already knew. said that's where we get our meat: wait on the roof with a rifle and some ammo, and just put one in. according to him, Lee's the best marksman.
asked him about contacting the outside world with it, he shot the idea down (heh). few years back, they sent out letters calling for help. didn't get a single response, so they gave up.
i'm gonna try and send some more things out. talked with Marshal about possibly catching one of the cats and tying a message to its neck. an sos. not sure what anyone on the other side would do, but it's better than not trying at all.
10/07/16
glad i was wearing the gray pants when i crossed over. thorns bounce off them like they're nothing. the green shirt's pretty nice, but it's gotten significantly dirtier since i got here. i don't wear it every day, yes, but it's still a nice reminder.
getting thinner, too. it was always on the agenda but farming for your food has a way of making you reconsider your eating-priorities. hair's short, which isn't flattering to my face, but who gives a shit. we all look pretty terrible. comradeship that way.
i keep thinking about death. it'd be so, so easy. we have a couple rifles and boxes of ammo in storage, because who the fuck in 'below grade' doesn't have them. feel like it'd be a public service, too; apparently, every couple of years, someone bites the big one of their own accord and we dine good on them for the next couple weeks, make jerky out of their flesh that'll last through winter.
i should feel nauseated by that, but i don't. i just feel hungry. i'd ask for forgiveness if i thought he was still looking out for me
21/04/17
we buried Molly today.
she was on John's roof, trying to patch a leak. fell and snapped her tibia in half like it was a twig, bone poking through skin and everything. Alexis said it would be pretty easy to heal, but she must've got some dirt in it or something, because about two nights later she woke everyone up with her screaming. definitely had a fever, and could hardly stand up. Alexis said the break had probably gotten infected. suspected septic shock. we don't have antibiotics.
called a meeting in the kitchen that night. Alexis didn't attend, was busy staying by Molly's side, but said that she wouldn't be surprised if the infection killed Molly's organs within a matter of days. had to decide whether to try and treat with what we had, or put her out of her misery.
majority ruled. Kate slugged me in the jaw. said a lot of other terrible things. i didn't stop her. Molly didn't stop us as we hauled her out to the yard.
found a piece of her skull in the grass after it was done. went to the water pump and cleaned it off. it's sitting on the nightstand right now.
she'll come with us if we ever decide to leave.
25/11/17
there's some old construction equipment near the school. Marshal and i set to work devising new rules for tic-tac-toe to make it more challenging, which was fun. it's getting harder to keep myself occupied. there are only so many interactions a group of fifteen people can have with each other. but while i'd rather be back in belgrade with my family, i'm grateful that the others are here.
isn't that weird? i've stopped feeling suicidal. dunno what changed. maybe i've just stopped seeing this as a thing that can ruin my life and see it as a thing that can ruin other lives. what use am i to the farm if i'm dead?
nothing to do except keep going.
12/07/18
got a reply back today, thank christ.
some dog trotted out into the street from the south. Emma broke down crying, mostly on account of it looking a lot like omnias, her old mastiff. thing had a vest on, black, military-issue, with pockets. went through them and found a message from someone who said he was with the u.s. government. wanted a response back if there was anyone here. wrote a letter explaining our situation and sent the dog back across the border.
word got around fast. it was kinda funny: all fifteen of us sitting on the street at the edge of the border awaiting something, anything. omnias ii returned about ten minutes later with some water, granola bars, and a letter saying that they could send supplies if any were necessary. we agreed on a list of things and sent it back, and waited. nobody moved from that spot, not for an hour, except for Lee, who went to go take something off the fire.
after a while, the dog came back, with everything we'd requested, plus two gallon baggies of homemade snickerdoodles. John was bawling his eyes out, which would have been pretty satisfying to see, except that i was too.
01/01/19
high spirits all around. literal spirits, too; we celebrated new years for the first time in god knows how long, and the folk on the other side were more than happy to provide us with enough booze to incapacitate a small militia.
never seen everybody in such a good mood, not since i first came to this place, and apparently before that too, if Tristan is to be believed. we're getting fresh food, newspapers, new clothes. hell, we've even got little portable heaters in all the houses. that's a luxury i never would have even dreamed of a year ago. there's even talk that maybe we'll find some way to escape, get back to the real world. trying not to get everyone too excited, but they're pretty high already.
06/01/19
starting to think maybe Alexis' plan isn't so crazy after all. sometimes it's all i can do not to hope.