SCP-3305

Info

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SCP-3305: The Father, The Son, And The Holy Toast

When they pass around the crackers during communion, they aren't kidding when they say that's the body of Christ.

This SCP is dedicated to Taylor and Joy, who helped me get this stupid, stupid picture.

Author: Captain Kirby

SCPs

SCP Number	Rating
SCP-3393	1023
Captain Kirby's Proposal	662
SCP-4514	532
SCP-5552	517
SCP-3448	495
SCP-3844	447
SCP-3388	432
SCP-5003	396
SCP-3866	379
SCP-3305	377
SCP-3449	339
SCP-4877	320
SCP-4321	316
SCP-016-J	222
SCP-3123	199
SCP-3511	192
SPC-1057	191
SCP-3393-EX	181
SCP-3633	175
SCP-4925	169
SCP-6007	165
SCP-4479	158
SCP-3767	153
SCP-4775	136
SCP-4316	134
SCP-4034	126
SCP-3650	93
SCP-5877	91
SCP-5448	70
SCP-5779	63
SCP-3203	61
SCP-3405	48
SCP-3481	46

Tales

Title	Rating
Impossible-To-Destroy Reptile	405
In The Clutches Of Life	319
Numbers, Like Stories, Never Die	271
Excerpts From The Societal Census Programme ΩK-Class Report	198
With The Reaper On Retirement	192
Tales of the Ethics Committee: 5 Reasons The Foundation Wants A Robot Army	184
The Tombstone of Alto Clef	160
Do You Remember Funerals?	145
Don't Get Used To It	133
The Many Portraits Of Jack Bright	128
Group Date	128
Where Death Used To Live	126
Monochrome	120
From The Clutches Of Life	120
Project Damnerung	120
Hello, My Name Isn't	117
Hundred-Year Favor	103
Even The Most Masked Of Men Become Themselves Behind Closed Doors	92
You Have 18 Unread Messages	91
Everyday Is Somebody's Birthday	80
The Shape of a Noose	66
A Failed Two Weeks Notice	59
Rocks And Trees Are Not Good Company	59
'Til Death Do Us Part	56
Pink Cracks in a Digital Wall	55
Poky And Pal Scheme Together	52
Is Anybody Home?	50
Poky And Pal Arm Themselves	46
Carnivores	44
A Eulogy In 11/8 Time	43
I Felt Numb	38
Virtue	36
When It Rains, It Pours	36
It's A Nice Day Out	35
I Am Wonderful	32
Attempts To Salvage Thought	30
They Are Not Laughing With You	23
Containment's A Beach	20

GOI Formats

Title	Rating
Captain Kirby's Proposal, Or Something	170
My Head Is On Fire And I'm (Not) Ok	88
Project Proposals 2004-013/2014-114/2024-072: "Losing Your Cool"	61

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More information

More information

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SCP-3250 - Jesus Fried Chicken by minmin and LilyFlower

Public knowledge of the substitution of Kentucky Fried Chicken's secret "Eleven Secret Herbs and Spices" recipe is to be suppressed.

SCP-3166 - You Have No Idea How Alone You Are, Garfield by Tanhony

The exterior layer of SCP-3166's body resembles a crudely-made costume of the character Garfield, which field inspection has shown to be composed of legitimate cat fur. However, analysis of SCP-3166's composition in the field has shown that its interior mass is composed entirely out of pasta: specifically, lasagna.

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Picture of SCP-3305 confiscated during Event SCP-3305-A

Item #: SCP-3305

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: MTF Gamma-84 (Holy Toasters) are to be permanently stationed at SCP-3305. All personnel attempting to gain access to SCP-3305 without prior approval are to be detained, administered Class-A amnestics, and released.

Should SCP-3305-1 manifest, it is to be detained by MTF Gamma-84 and transferred to Site-19, where it will be stored in a standard humanoid containment chamber. Protocol Judas is to be executed in the event of a containment breach meeting the required criteria.

Open Protocol Judas

Protocol Judas was a method of containment proposed by Dr. Teller to successfully detain and terminate SCP-3305-1, while causing minimal physical and psychological damage to those under its effects. This is only to be considered in the event of a containment breach where SCP-3305-1 is summoned, and has made contact with a civilian population.

Phase 1: MTF Gamma-84 will bring a D-Class person with an ailment (from now on referred to as the Patient) to a building near SCP-3305-1. All smoke detectors inside the building will be disabled, and the Patient must be kept in a room which is not visible to the outside. Airplanes equipped with the suitable amounts of gaseous Class-B amnestics shall be positioned near the civilian population.

Phase 2: MTF Gamma-84 will request the assistance of SCP-3305-1 in healing the Patient. It is imperative that no civilian personnel be allowed inside the building with SCP-3305-1. Given the nature of SCP-3305-1, if the request is made in earnest, it will comply.

Phase 3: Once the Patient has been cured by SCP-3305-1 and cleared the premises, MTF Gamma-84 shall incinerate SCP-3305-1.

Phase 4: The airplanes shall dispense the Class-B amnestics over the civilian population.

Phase 5: MTF Gamma-84 is to perform a survey of the civilian population to identify individuals who retain memories of SCP-3305-1, and administer Class-B amnestics as needed.

Description: SCP-3305 is a collection of five trees in the ██████████ Forest with slices of white bread stapled to them. All attempts to remove the bread from the trees have failed.

If a particular ritual is performed at SCP-3305 (See Document SCP-3305-R), then a humanoid composed of bread will appear (SCP-3305-1). SCP-3305-1 will offer parts of itself to eat, and puncture itself to produce wine to drink. This bread and wine have restorative properties, as individuals who have consumed them report being cured of all physical and mental illnesses.

All individuals who consume part of SCP-3305-1 worship it, as well as bread in general. The form of this worship varies highly between individuals. Similarities between this effect and those observed in SCP-3250 and SCP-2867 are under investigation.

While amnestics can successfully erase memories of interaction with SCP-3305-1, subjects under SCP-3305-1’s effects still believe in the existence of SCP-3305-1, and will continue to worship bread. Only after SCP-3305-1 has been terminated do amnestics become effective at erasing all memories regarding SCP-3305-1.

Additional Documents:

Open SCP-3305-R

Materials needed: Fifty loaves of white bread, 3.79 liters of red wine, a virgin, 18.14 kilograms of homemade dough, 14.4 cubic centimeters of flour, 3.79 liters of gasoline, matches, and a bible.

• Lay the loaves between the stapled pieces of bread to form a pentagram. (This will require all fifty loaves, assuming each loaf is approximately 30.48 centimeters long).
• Pour wine over all of the loaves of bread.
• Move the virgin into the center of the pentagram.
• Cover the virgin with the dough, so none of the virgin’s skin can be seen.
• Sprinkle the flour over the virgin, and all loaves of bread.
• Douse the virgin in 3.03 liters of gasoline, and each piece of bread in 0.19 liters.
• Ignite all 5 pieces of bread.
• Ignite the virgin.
• From the bible, read aloud verse Mark 14:22-24.

After the dough rises, it takes the form of SCP-3305-1. It is unknown what happens to the virgin, as all testing indicates SCP-3305-1 is made entirely of bread and wine.

Open Event SCP-3305-A

The following is The Foundation’s current understanding of what occurred during Event SCP-3305-A. All information was gathered from SCP-3305-1, local authorities before being amnestied, and Foundation personnel present.

Day 1: An unknown group performs the ritual described in document SCP-3305-R. SCP-3305-1 manifests and is led to an abandoned church near the small town ██████. He is hidden for the rest of the day.

Day 2: During the morning mass, wine and bread from SCP-3305-1 are served to attendees. 80% of ██████ was present, and consumed part of SCP-3305-1. At the end of the sermon, SCP-3305-1 introduced itself. All civilians in attendance acknowledge SCP-3305-1 as the personification of a deity. A banquet was held, using bread and wine from SCP-3305-1.

Day 3: SCP-3305-1 visits the rest of ██████. Those who appear to be afraid of SCP-3305-1 are reprimanded against the anomaly’s will. SCP-3305-1 feeds one civilian afflicted with Alzheimer’s Disease a portion of itself. The civilian claims a miracle has occurred, and can now remember his past clearly.

Days 4-7: Those who refuse to consume part of SCP-3305-1 are discriminated against by approximately 40% of those under the effects of SCP-3305-1. These individuals are often refused service, and are called “Gluten-Free”. SCP-3305-1 is unaware of the abusive treatment. Each night, SCP-3305-1 offers pieces of himself for consumption. It is estimated that 90% of the town have consumed a portion of SCP-3305-1 by Day 7.

Day 8: Joseph Westing, the inventor of the “Gluten-Free” slur, announces the creation of The Westing Church of Wonderbread. Its tenets are similar to those advocated by SCP-3305-1, however, they believe that “White bread is a superior bread”. 40% of ██████ joins The Westing Church of Wonderbread.

Day 9-11: Members of The Westing Church of Wonderbread become increasingly hostile toward “Gluten-Free” civilians. On Day 11, the Patrickson family is forced out of ██████. The accounts of the Patrickson family are the first reports The Foundation has received regarding SCP-3305. MTF Gamma-84 is sent to investigate.

Day 12: Members of The Westing Church of Wonderbread attack a bakery. Two civilians are stabbed to death with sharpened, stale baguettes, and four are beaten with the same weapons. SCP-3305-1 publicly denounces The Westing Church of Wonderbread. MTF Gamma-84 arrives at ██████. MTF Gamma-84 detains SCP-3305-1, and requests transport for SCP-3305-1 to Site 19.

Day 13: While attempting to administer amnestics to the residents of ██████, The Westing Church of Wonderbread riot. Four Foundation employees and twenty civilians are injured. After the altercation, Class-B amnestics are successfully administered to the rest of the population. SCP-3305-1 is interviewed by Site 19 personnel. See SCP-3305 Interview Log for the full transcript.

Day 14: Residents of ██████ return to worshipping bread, referencing SCP-3305-1. The individuals responsible for The Westing Church of Wonderbread create another organization called The King’s Hawaiian Congregation. When asked about this, SCP-3305-1 replied, “They can still feel my presence, so they still know. Although, what more is faith than a feeling?” Dr. Teller requests the termination of SCP-3305-1.

Day 15: Site Director Rogers approves Dr. Teller’s termination request. SCP-3305-1 does not resist personnel during the process. SCP-3305-1 is terminated via incineration.

Day 16: The aviation division of MTF Gamma-84 administers a gaseous amnestic to the residents of ██████ via an air drop. The rest of MTF Gamma-84 surveys the town and administers amnestics to those who did not encounter the gaseous amnestic. All memories of SCP-3305-1 are erased, and all evidence that SCP-3305 exists is confiscated. MTF Gamma-84 is assigned to monitor SCP-3305.

Open SCP-3305 Interview Log

<Start Log>

Dr. Teller: Hello. I'm sure you’ve been told that you’ve been brought here for questioning.

SCP-3305-1: I have. There is nothing for me to hide.

Dr. Teller: Well, it’s good to know you don’t feel uncomfortable. Can you tell me where you come from?

SCP-3305-1: I come from The Great Bakery. I have returned to once again enlighten men and women in the ways of The Baker, and to let them feast upon my body.

Dr. Teller: Returned? When were you here last?

SCP-3305-1: I know not the passage of time between my last appearance and now. I can say for certain that massive bounds in culture and technology have taken place. I am quite impressed.

Dr. Teller: Fair enough. What happened to you during your last appearance?

SCP-3305-1: I attempted to do the same as I did these past weeks. I brought bread, and urged people to break it with one another. The only difference was that back then, bread and wine were scarce, so I was considered a blessing and a miracle.

Dr. Teller: Do you not consider yourself those things?

SCP-3305-1: No, no. I’m just a humble butter knife, spreading the words of The Baker.

Dr. Teller: Do you feel pain when you tear off pieces of yourself?

SCP-3305-1: I do, but I have grown used to it. I have suffered for the masses in other terrible ways. Giving away my blood and flesh to feed the hungry is but a prick in comparison. Speaking of which, I believe I have not offered you any.

SCP-3305-1 removes a small piece of bread from its arm and offers it to Dr. Teller.

Dr. Teller: Thank you, but I ate earlier, so I’m not hungry.

SCP-3305-1: Very well.

Dr. Teller: Are you aware of the actions of a group called “The Westing Church of Wonderbread”? They were responsible for an attack on a bakery in town for selling, and I quote, “Whole Grain, the heathen’s bread”.

SCP-3305-1: I have.

Dr. Teller: Have you spoken to this group at all?

SCP-3305-1: Not directly, but I should have. I do not condone their message. Wonderbread is terribly bland. I much prefer Pepperidge Farm.

<End Log>