SCP-3301 Testing Log

SCP-3301 » SCP-3301 Testing Log

Archivist Notice 07/02/2017: In keeping with proper Foundation testing protocols, all instances of SCP-3301’s active state are to be recorded for analysis and archival. The following is an example of proper test log format, and should be used in all future instances of test logging.

Archivist Notice 07/03/2017: Due to a rash of inaccurate test logs, strict protocols have been implemented to allow for the review of logs thought to be exaggerated or outright false. If you have any questions, contact your local Archival Technician for more details.

+ Open Log 3301|XXX

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+ Open Log 3301|008

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Log ID: 3301|008

Participants: Dr. Avery Bone and Dr. Eila Harris, Dr. Owen Mars and Dr. Cotter Davis, Dr. Francis LaFleur and Director Arnold Camp.

Game Board: Echoes of the Mariana

Winner: Dr. Francis LaFleur and Director Arnold Camp

Victory Condition: Mr. Survivor

Difficulty Setting: Apollyon

Runtime: 0h 1m 21s

Payout: $50

Game Summary: In the shortest run of SCP-3301 thus far, Dr. Avery Bone and Dr. Owen Mars of the SCP-3301 research team ran the first test thus far of the “Apollyon²” difficulty setting.

The game map, Echoes of the Mariana, had all three teams start with their players on the edge of a high cliff next to a raging ocean, with a storm overhead. As the game began, Dr. Davis was suddenly stricken with blindness, and stumbled backwards over the edge of the cliff. Dr. LaFleur’s first draw was a Yellow Card called “Business Expenses” which granted he and Director Camp $50. Additionally, while Director Camp had been stricken with a pox on the opening of the game, one of Dr. LaFleur’s pre-game draws was a White Card called “Panacea” which was used to heal Director Camp’s pox.

After Dr. Bone’s draw, Dr. Harris began to move towards a small concrete structure when she was accosted by three incorporeal, humanoid entities, which were revealed to be a Supreme Divine entity called “The Three Brothers”. With no proper equipment to protect herself and no cards available for Dr. Bone to use in defense his piece, Dr. Harris was swiftly killed by the entity. Immediately upon her death, the game ended and Dr. LaFleur and Director Camp were pronounced “MR. SURVIVOR”.

Notable Cards Drawn:

The Three Brothers card.

Card Color: Orange
Card Title: The Three Brothers

Subtitle: Love to Gamble

Type: Anomaly, Sentient, Divine

Description: Three cursed siblings who were bound by Fate to ferry the souls of the departed towards the dark nothingness beyond life. Picked up a penchant for card games somewhere along the way.

Stats: 29 ATK / 34 DEF / 37 HP

Audio Recording Transcript Excerpts

[BEGIN LOG]

Dr. Mars: Alrighty then, let’s kick this bad boy off. I’ll draw first… and the game is afoot!

Dr. Davis: Oh my god! Oh my god! I can’t see! I’m blind, I can’t see!

Dr. Mars: Wh— Cotter? Oh no, Cotter, hang on, I can… I’ve got… uh… oh no.

Dr. Davis: Owen? Owen, help me! I can’t, I can’t— (screams as he falls off a cliff)

Dr. Mars: Cotter? Cotter! Oh goddammit, Cotter.

Silence throughout the group.

Dr. LaFleur: So… good first turn.

Dr. Mars: I… Jesus. Does it hurt? Like, I haven’t played before, does it hurt them?

Dr. Bone: Pretty tremendously at the time, but they don’t seem to remember the pain afterwards, so… not in the long term, no. Still though, it’s rough to hear.

Dr. Mars: Yeah, I… Jesus.

Dr. LaFleur: Either way, my turn. How you doing down there, boss?

Director Camp: (Incoherant screaming) My skin! Oh god my skin! It’s a pox!

Dr. LaFleur: Woof. Really rough first round. Good thing is, I drew this… “Panacea”, so I’m going to play that… and we should be good! How about now?

Director Camp: Huh. Yeah, I feel much better. That was pretty horrid, I’m not going to lie. Where to next?

Dr. LaFleur: Well… my options seem to be limited here. I’m thinking something like… nah, let’s save that. (Pauses) Alright, let’s just do this. (Cash register sound is heard above Dr. LaFleur)

Director Camp: Nice.

Dr. LaFleur: You’re damn right.

Dr. Bone: Alright, time to stop messing around. Let’s get serious. You ready to make this thing happen, Eila?

Dr. Harris: Hell yeah, Avery. Let’s do this.

Dr. Bone: Excellent. We’re a little short on items at the moment, so let’s just… go check out this building over here.

Dr. Harris: On it. (Sounds of running) Whoa there. There’s something in the road. What is it?

Dr. Mars: Huh. Orange card. What is it?

Dr. Bone: It’s… uh… called “The Three Brothers”… it’s a Divine thing.

Dr. Harris: What’s it do?

Incorporeal Humanoid Entities: Nothing good.

Dr. Harris: Wha- oh god I’m dying! Avery! Help—

Dr. Bone: What? What just happened?

Dr. LaFleur: I think you just lost.

Victory music sounds and fireworks are heard above the players.

Director Camp: Oh shit, did we win? Is it over?

Dr. Bone: Ok, so… Apollyon mode sucks.

Dr. LaFleur: Speak for yourself. I’ve got fifty bucks waiting for me.

[END LOG]

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Log ID: 3301|012

Participants: Director Liam Deets and Sgt. Hannah Washington of MTF Omega-12, Agent Andrea Adams and Spc. Iris Thompson of MTF Alpha-9, Agent Sasha Merlo and Agent Clarissa Shaw of MTF Gamma-13, and Sgt. Irantu and Spc. Nanku of MTF Tau-5.

Game Board: Anantashesha's Domain

Winner: Sgt. Irantu and Spc. Nanku

Victory Condition: Mr. Finder

Difficulty Setting: Euclid

Runtime: 0h 45m 12 seconds

Payout: $602

Game Summary: The game took place in a heavily stylized replica of the SCPF Eremita. On the first turn, Sgt. Washington used her reality altering abilities to materialize a modified Colt AR-15, which she then fired at Spc. Nanku. Sgt. Washington was promptly admonished for apparent rule breaking and terminated by what appeared to be a giant flaming angel's sword. Spc. Nanku, despite sustaining multiple gunshots, was relatively unphased.

The game then proceeded normally until turn 14, when Agent Shaw discovered the hidden golden anomaly but was temporarily paralyzed by a cognitohazard that was protecting it. Spc. Thompson then proceeded to acquire the anomaly.

Before Spc. Thompson succeeded at containing the anomaly, Agent Shaw recovered enough to use her red card "The Nerfing Gun" to transform Spc. Thompson into an Orangutan. Spc. Nanku, who until that point had been occupied in a fistfight with a sepia-toned humanoid that self identified as "Murphy Law," then arrived and was able to contain the anomaly, and thus winning the game.

Notable Cards Drawn:

Nerfing Gun card.

Card Color: Red
Card Title: The Nerfing Gun

Subtitle: A low effort pun

Type: Weapon, Ranged

Description: A fancy Nerf gun that makes everything worse. Excels at ethically questionable humanoid transfiguration. Expires after one use.

Stats: Transfiguration Attack / - 10 ACC

Audio Recording Transcript Excerpts

[BEGIN LOG]

Director Deets: Alright Hannah, just like we planned. We'll show them who the real anomalous task force is.

Sgt. Washington: Yes sir. Alright nuts and bolts, let's see how you like hot iron!

Sgt. Washington: What do you mean reality bending is cheating, that wasn't in the rules! You have got be fucking kidding m—

Spc. Nanku: …Is this how all board games are supposed to start?

Sgt. Irantu: That was rude.

Director Deets: Um, sorry. Why do they have you two playing this anyway?

Sgt. Irantu: I've been told it is a part of our emotional development training. The captain thought it was a good idea since the first time any of us felt emotion was during a game of Monopoly. Having extreme rage as a reference point is very helpful in understanding others.

Agent Shaw: The Nerfing Gun huh? I remember this one. About time those idiots help me instead of being a pain.

Agent Shaw: Aha, here it is. I wonder why it would be on a nightstand of all things? Eh, who ca-

Agent Merlo: YES, CLARISSA! Wooohooo! Fuck you Adams, my agent found the anomaly first! Wait, Clarissa? Clarissa! GET UP!

Agent Adams: Why am I here? I don't even like boardgames.

Spc. Thompson: Yes, I got it! Oh wow this is amazing. Andrea, did I ever tell you Jumanji was my favorite movie as a kid, this is like a dream come- OOH AAH

Agent Shaw: What's the matter Thompson, you're just monkeying around? Oh god that was a bad pun, stupid gun must be rubbing off on me.

Spc. Nanku: So, do I win?

Victory music sounds are heard. Sound is distorted due to surrounding water.

Spc. Nanku: A-hem, I'd just like to say that you don't miss all the shots you don't take. This an inspiring victory quote that I read. What is inspiring exactly?

Director Deets: Well… that was almost right.

[END LOG]

+ Open Log 3301|017

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Log ID: 3301|017

Participants: Agent Dumas and Agent Tucker, Doctor Perkins and Agent Steele, Researcher Patel and Special-Detainee Justice Locke, Researcher Dumas and D-101 (awarded game time for good behavior).

Game Board: 20,000 Leagues under the Red Sea

Winner: Agent Dumas, Agent Tucker

Victory Condition: MR. GENOCIDE

Difficulty Setting: Maksur

Runtime: 4h 28m 14s

Payout: $100,000,000

Game Summary: Each player received a gunshot wound upon the game's opening: Agent Tucker was shot in the toe, Agent Steele was shot in the elbow, S.D. Locke was shot in the face yet survived, D-101 reported feeling something rush through his hair just above his scalp.

The players began in a sparsely-wooded locale illuminated by a bright, red sun; and were situated on different banks of a large, red lake. Each team was able to equip themselves with a variety of weapons due to R. Dumas playing a White card titled "Global Occult Coincidence", which replaced each player's hand with 10 Red cards.

Players spent the next several rounds destroying anomalies, having brokered a "truce" spearheaded by Researcher Patel - who coerced his opponents into aiming for the MR. COALITION win-condition. By the third hour, Dr. Perkins and Agent Steele had the lead, at 21 anomalies destroyed. Agent Dumas then drew a companion card, "The Night Hauler", which allowed Agent Tucker to move about the game area unrestricted by die-rolls.

At the behest of Agent Dumas, who had earlier uncovered a clue as to the whereabouts of the game's hidden card; Agent Tucker quickly moved across the playing field, exploring every space contained within the game board. The team conspired to find the object, and thereby achieve the MR. FINDER win-condition. Said item ("Murphy's Trademarked Trilby") was found in the north-eastern portion of the map, guarded by a supreme divine being ("Celestial Cicada"). Agent Tucker was able to abscond with the hidden item due to his speed-boost, and avoid the entity altogether. Their turn ended as Agent Tucker took a shortcut over the red lake, attempting to reach their containment facility. The companion vehicle and the hidden item fell into the lake's center.

Dumas and Tucker's turn revealed over three dozen Orange cards, four of which were divine-class or higher. The players regrouped near the Southern wall of the map, joined by Agent Tucker on his team's next turn, and fended off attacks with their remaining cards. Their efforts were assisted by R. Patel's companion card "The Rookie", which destroyed several anomalies - placing his team in the lead. The companion card itself was destroyed once the entity "Summer's Exile" reached the party's location.

At four hours, 27 minutes into play all players had depleted most of their HP defending themselves. R. Patel's team still held the lead, and the only entity remaining was "A Lady Who Does Not Approve of Your Life Choices, Yet Cannot Look Away", which did not attack; it appeared to be content staring at players from afar, out-of-reach of their weapons. On Dumas/Tucker's turn, Dumas rolled a twelve, and directed Tucker to abandon his opponents. At the end of his turn, Dumas activated a trap card "Suspiciously Scurrying Sand", killing all other players and awarding his team the MR. GENOCIDE win-condition.

Notable Cards Drawn:

Card Color: Green

Card Title: Suspiciously Scurrying Sand

Subtitle: Did… did that dune just move?

Type: Trap

Description: They have a nasty habit of working their way into one's swim-trunks, play some Beach Boys when deploying this card for maximum yucks!

Night Hauler card.

Card Color: Blue
Card Title: The Night Hauler

Subtitle: Keeps on truckin'.

Type: Companion

Description: Hitch a ride with Momentum Incarnate! You're free to move about the board without rolling dice (turns are limited to two minutes in duration, don't hog the fun) while accompanied by this companion! Mind those Orange cards, Leroy!

Stats: 12 ATK / 4 DEF / 6 HP

Audio Recording Transcript Excerpts

S.D. Locke: [Mumbles incoherently] …them?

A. Tucker: For the last time, we can't understand a damn thing you say!

R. Patel: It is not his fault he was shot in the face.

A. Dumas: Yea, whose idea was it to play on Maksur anyways?

R. Dumas: I thought it'd make for an interesting challenge, you can only play on "Safe" so many times before it starts to get old.

D-101: So, how many of these things are left, anyways?

Dr. Perkins: Not sure. We killed all the gods and monsters, Locke took out the infovore…

D-101: Shit! Right there! D'ya see her?

A. Tucker: Ah!

A. Dumas: Oh, right. Ugh, that one gives me the willies like you wouldn't believe.

Dr. Perkins: The hell is it doing all the way over there anyways?

R. Patel: It doesn't matter. Someone needs to get over there and finish it, so we can end the session.

D-101: You mean so you can win.

A. Dumas: Well, it's our turn now. Lessee… twelve! Nice!

A. Tucker: Sweet, let's take her out - you got any good gear for me boss?

A. Dumas: Er…yea. Just, just move to the edge of our turn radius.

D-101: Finally.

R. Dumas: Just hurry up and end it hun, I can't feel my ass anymore.

A. Dumas: [Dramatically] I now activate… my trap card! Bwahahaha!

[S.D. Locke, D-101, and Agent Steele can be heard screaming. Victory music and fireworks can be heard, and the announcer congratulates "MR. GENOCIDE"].

A. Dumas: That's what you get when you cross the 'mas!

R. Dumas: What? You — I can't— [sigh] You're a goddamn insufferable prick, you know that?

A. Dumas: An insufferable prick who just won us a hundred-million dollars!

[At this point, the game produced currency equal to the Agents' winnings. This was the first and only recorded instance of the payout being produced in false game notes or "play money".]

R. Dumas: We're getting a divorce.

[END LOG]

+ Open Log 3301|021

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Log ID: 3301|021

Participants: Sgt. (S.) Kadowski and Cpl. Winston, Agent Chang and Agent Arch of MTF Gamma-4, Sgt. Wyte and Agent (D.) Kadowski, Agent Samson and Agent Karlyle of DTF Sigma-6, Agent Peterson and Agent Quinzeen of MTF Eta-10, Researcher Pentach and D-93017.

Game Board: Imbrium Crater

Winner: None. (See game summary.)

Victory Condition: None.

Difficulty Setting: Apollyon.

Runtime: 0h 10m 00 seconds

Payout: None.

Game Summary: The game was set within the Mare Imbrium crater, with an unmanned facility located in the approximate centre of the map. Each player's "containment facility" featured an underground portion with a high-speed rail tunnel connecting to the central facility; they were otherwise wholly independent from each-other.

At the start of the game, a flare of light occurred on the board and a ten-minute countdown appeared above the primary players; secondary players reported that the sun was undergoing a supernova event. All secondary players reported impediment or ailment: Agent Arch and Agent Quinzeen reported blindness; Cpl. Winston and Agent (D.) Kadowski reported flu symptoms and severe fever; Agent Karlyle reported nausea, internal pain and difficulty moving; D-93017 reported all symptoms.

Researcher Pentach equipped D-93017 with the Blue Card "████ ███", manifesting a human male with no apparent in-game function; the entity was amnesic and was mostly unaware of the game in progress. Researcher Pentach directs D-93017 towards the underground rail tunnel; D-93017, impeded by blindness and severe fever, repeatedly ignored directions and travelled in incorrect directions. At the end of the turn, Researcher Pentach drew the Black Card "Eternal Interest", forcing him to discard one card every turn or D-93017 would be automatically killed. (Time remaining: 9m 27s.)

Sgt. (S.) Kadowski used the Yellow Card "Never Overestimate The Use of SCPs", to grant his team $500. Cpl. Winston was then instructed to find a spacesuit before Sgt. (S.) Kadowski drew to end his turn. (Time remaining: 9m 20s.)

Agent Samson equipped Agent Karlyle with the Red Card "Rayman's Laygun", then directed them to the medical wing of their facility. Agent Samson drew the Black Card "Chaos Hole" at the end of their turn, permanently disabling their high-speed rail. (Time remaining: 9m 11s.)

Agent Peterson equipped Agent Quinzeen with the Red Card "Anti-matterman's Perfecto-suit", enabling them to traverse the lunar surface. Agent Quinzeen's training with cognitohazards assisted them in navigating despite blindness, and they reach the surface exit. Agent Peterson draws the Black Card "Neutralised", expending "Anti-matterman's Perfecto-suit".

Agent Chang instructed Agent Arch to find supplies; impeded by blindness, they encountered the Supreme Divine Orange Card "Mysterious Mega-Malicious Meta-Meme", which immediately killed them. (Time remaining: 9m 05s.)

Sgt. Wyte equipped Agent (D.) Kadowski with the Red Card "Night Vision Goggles". Agent (D.) Kadowski discovered and equipped themselves with the Red Card "Spacesuit", enabling them to traverse the lunar surface. Sgt. Wyte then drew the Purple Card "Mr. Redd O. P. Discontinued C. P.", which attacked and killed Agent (D.) Kadowski. (Time remaining: 8m 54s.)

Researcher Pentach equipped D-93017 with the Red Card "Map Map", enabling them to see (but not identify) all active cards on the map. An Orange Card — assumed to be the second Supreme Divine entity spawned on the fourth turn — was seen navigating towards D-93017. Researcher Pentach directed D-93017 to the high-speed rail, but D-93017 again failed to follow instructions.

At this point, Researcher Pentach attempted to cheat by introducing a foreign card — "Pot of Greed", from the Yu-Gi-Oh card game — to the game. SCP-3301 accepted the card, dispensing two cards; both cards were copies of the Black Card "Pot of Weed", forcing Researcher Pentach to immediately draw two more cards for each. All four drawn cards were additional copies of "Pot of Weed"; all cards that Researcher Pentach drew using "Pot of Weed" were, invariably, additional copies of "Pot of Weed".

Researcher Pentach's behaviour rapidly degraded in a manner indicative of a psychoactive drug overdose; upon reaching 256 copies of "Pot of Weed", Researcher Pentach became incapable of any further action, apparently lapsing into a vegetative state.³ Other players were unable to execute any tasks, as Researcher Pentach had been unable to end their turn.

Once the timer reached zero, the entire map — and all items and players on it — was simultaneously vaporised, ending the game with no victor and no payout.

Notable Cards Drawn:

Card Color: Blue

Card Title: ████ ███⁴

Subtitle: ████ ██ ████

Type: Companion

Description: ███████ ██ ████████, ████████ ███. ███ ████ ██ █████ ███████████ █████, ███ ████ █████ ██ █████████! ██ ██ ████ ██ ██████ ████ ██ ███ ██ ████ ████████ █████, ███ ██ ██████; ████ ████ ███ ████ █████ ███████ ████.

Stats: ██ ATK / ██ DEF / ██ HP

Card Color: Black

Card Title: Pot of Weed

Description: THERE IS A PLACE IN HELL FOR CHEATERS AND A HOLE JUST YOUR SIZE. Draw two cards, but you still take damage.

Effect: The player draws two cards, and begins experiencing symptoms of psychoactive drug exposure; each successive use of "Pot of Weed" increases the intensity of these symptoms.

The Mr. Redd card.

Card Color: Purple
Card Title: Mr. Redd O. P. Discontinued C. P.

Subtitle: The King of Crimson

Type: Wondertainment

Description: The unrecallable and sinister Mr. Redd! Able to attack from a distance with a -1 ATK debuff per space between him and his target! Ignores DEF when attacking! Able to equip Red Cards from defeated players! Best before: encountered!

Stats: 40 ATK / 20 DEF / 60 HP

Audio Recording Transcript Excerpts

[BEGIN LOG]

Agent Chang: I'm telling you, it's between me and Cap'. You lot are too soft.

Researcher Pentach: I'm just as soft as you are. None of us have played this before.

Sgt. Kadowski: The map is home turf for us - low grav, vacuum. You landlubbers aren't trained for it.

Sgt. Wyte: "Land lobbers!" Just because your team's named after a pirate, doesn't mean -

Cpl. Winston: (Distant) Could we begin, please?

Researcher Pentach: Alright alright, I'll draw my -

Agent Samson: Sweet easter, what the hell was that? You alright down there Doug?

Agent Karlyle: (Distant) Fuck me. I feel like I got hit by a train, and the fucking sun exploded.

D-93017: (Distant) The hell have you done to me! I can't see shit!

Agent Samson: The fucking — Oh shit, timer. Hurry up Pentach, we've only got ten minutes.

Researcher Pentach: Don't call me Pentach. You call me Kyle, or Researcher Pentach, or you don't -

Agent Peterson: Just shut up and do something.

Researcher Pentach: I'll use, uh… the hell does this thing do? The card is just blacked out.

D-93017: (Distant) Who — Who's there? Who are you?

Summoned Entity: … I don't know. Who are you?

Researcher Pentach: There's something coming your way. Go west four — no, west you fucking — turn the fuck around! The other fucking way!

Agent Chang: (Laughter)

Researcher Pentach: Shut up, this isn't fucking fair and you know it.

Agent Peterson: It is plenty fair. You've just been particularly unlucky.

Researcher Pentach: Fuck this.

Sgt. Wyte: Hey, you can't do that!

Researcher Pentach: Oh really? Then why did it just work?

Sgt. Kaderowski: Pentach. That's cheating.

Researcher Pentach: Kiss my ass. Lets see what… Fuck, both black… wait… why are these Black Cards?

Agent Chang: What are they?

Researcher Pentach: Same thing, twice; I draw two cards for each. But why is it…

Agent Samson: Wondertainment don't make many mistakes. They're black for a reason.

Researcher Pentach: Hoo, pulled… four more of 'em. Sweet.

Researcher Pentach: Hey… hey it's… it's more of them…

Sgt. Kadowski: Are you ok, Kyle?

Researcher Pentach: (Slurred) Y-yeah, I'm… I'm… whoo, more pots… p-ot…

Sgt. Wyte: Pentach, stop. This isn't — no, stop -

Researcher Pentach: (Heavily slurred) Fuggoff… my turn… p-o-t, he… he he he he… weed. We-ee-ee-ed.

Agent Samson: Pentach, stop, this isn't…

Researcher Pentach: (Incoherent mumbling, gurgling)

Cpl. Winston: (Distant) What's going on up there? Is it our turn yet?

Sgt. Kadowski: Pentach has had an… event, and looks like he won't be continuing. I'll —

???: Please wait for the previous player to end their turn.

Sgt. Kadowski: … Damn it.

Agent Chang: You're fucking joking. He can't, he's fucking…

Agent Kadowski: (Distant) The explosion is… getting very close now. Are you sure there is nothing that can be done?

???: Please wait for the previous player to end their turn.

Agent Quinzeen: (Distant) It's getting really warm in here, you know.

Sgt. Wyte: And three, two, one…

Agent Chang: And we all fucking loose, god fucking damn it Kyle. Perfect fucking map to sort out who'se best, time limit for pressure, and you had to fucking ruin it.

Researcher Pentach: (Slurred) Hey, it's… not my, not my fault…

Agent Peterson: Shut up. You always fucking ruin everything, Pentach. Get the fuck out.

Additional Note/s:

Researcher Pentach appears to have been banned from participating in future games; despite all attempts for Researcher Pentach to function as a primary or secondary player, SCP-3301 will uniformly treat them as a spectator of the initiating game. It is currently unknown when this ban will expire, if at all.

+ Open Log 3301|028

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Log ID: 3301|028

Participants: Dr. King and D-93017, Researcher John and D-85493

Game Board: Appleseeds

Winner: Dr. King and D-93017

Victory Condition: Mr. Appleseeds

Difficulty Setting: Safe⁵

Runtime: 75h 43m 29 seconds

Payout: 400,000 appleseeds

Game Summary:

Map was a flat, featureless plane comprised entirely of appleseeds; only the top ten centimetres of appleseeds were loose, with the remainder compacted into a solid surface.

All cards in both player's hands are variously coloured copies of "Appleseed".

Dr. King uses a Green Card "Appleseed." A single appleseed manifests in the air next to D-93017. D-93017 begins searching the map; Dr. King draws a Black Card "Appleseed", manifesting another single appleseed next to D-93017.

Researcher John equips D-85493 with a Blue Card "Appleseed"; a single appleseed manifests in D-85493's hand. Researcher John draws a Red Card "Appleseed".

No remarkable events occurred for the following seventy-five consecutive hours, as all cards drawn and encountered on the map were universally colour variants of "Appleseed"; although Researcher John and Dr. King could identify map tiles containing Orange or Purple "Appleseed" cards, D-93017 and D-85493 were unable to distinguish their in-game appearance from other loose apple seeds.

The game abruptly ended when Dr. King equipped D-93017 with a Red Card "Appleseed", thereby filling all available slots with various copies of "Appleseed" and achieving the previously unknown "Mr. Appleseed" victory condition. The room SCP-3301 was used in was progressively filled with an estimated 400,000 apple seeds following the conclusion of the game.

Notable Cards Drawn:

The Appleseed card.

Card Color: Varied.⁶
Card Title: Appleseed

Subtitle: Seed of Apple

Type: Seed

Description: An appleseed. Nothing personal, Mr. King — it's just the rules.

Stats:⁷ 00 ATK / 00 DEF / 00 HP

Audio Recording Transcript Excerpts

[BEGIN LOG]

Researcher John: It'll be fine. Just play a round with us, ok?

Dr. King: We both fucking know what's going to happen.

Researcher John: Come on, it's a card game. There's no way…

Researcher John: Eighty-five, what… what are you standing on?

D-85493: It's apple seeds. Just apple seeds for miles.

Dr. King: (Incoherent yelling)

Researcher John: Calm down, just draw your cards and we'll - oh boy.

Dr. King: It's apple seeds, isn't it? All the cards are apple seeds, aren't they?

Researcher John: I'm so sorry.

Dr. King: I've drawn my hand. Oh boy, I wonder what I'll pick? I wonder what card I'll use first?

Dr. King: (Shouting) Oh I know, I'll fucking use an apple seed! That will fucking work! Thats perfect! Perfect thing to use in a field filled to the fucking brim with fucking APPLE SEEDS!

Dr. King: (Muffled sobbing)

+ Open Log 3301|033

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Log ID: 3301|033

Participants: Agent Helen Zhao and Agent Zoe Smith of MTF Eta-11, AIC-Glacon and Agent Thomas Pankin of MTF Mu-4, Dr. Logan Igotta and Dr. Lakshmi Agarwal, Researcher Joseph Bell and Medical Officer James Candle of MTF Eta-13

Game Board: Beneath Site-46

Winner: Draw

Victory Condition: Mr. Forgetful

Difficulty Setting: Keter

Runtime: 1hr 48min 12s

Payout: N/A

Game Summary: This iteration was notable for including several anomalies not known to the Foundation. It is unclear whether these were generated for the game, or whether equivalent real-world anomalies are currently undiscovered or may arise in future.

Each team started the game within an underground Foundation facility. Within moments, a containment breach alarm sounded, and all teams were chased by a large humanoid and an aggressive canid entity. Agent Candle retreated behind a bulkhead, closing it behind him and locking out the other players, who continued to flee.

At the suggestion of AIC-Glacon, Agent Pankin logged into a computer terminal, activating an effect card ("Swipe Left - No, your other-other-Left") which attached to Dr. Agarwal. The card caused all monsters in the game to become companions of Dr. Agarwal. It also caused an unexpected error to AIC-Glacon, which shut down. Dr. Agarwal advanced with her new humanoid and canid companions, and Agents Smith and Pankin ran towards the Site exit.

As Agent Smith emerged from the Site, her entry into the sunlight triggered a Green trap card ("Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows"). Agent Smith's Hit Points were reduced to zero, but she remained active in the game, her body melting into a glutinous mass. Agent Pankin, trapped by the approaching companions of Dr. Agarwal, attempted to use a Red Card ("Green Goo Gun") on the remains of Agent Smith, but the weapon's only effect was to lubricate the creature, delaying its efforts to breach the Site entrance. Agent Pankin was eventually attacked and consumed - his Hit Points were also reduced to zero, and his body fused into the liquid mass.

The amorphous biomass spoke to Dr. Agarwal, stating that it was her companion and encouraging her to join it. Her companions attacked the creature, but were absorbed by it. Dr. Igotta used a final companion card: "Sister Semaphore", a cosmic being which flew upwards into the atmosphere and disappeared. And then the sun went out.

The gelatinous biomass collapsed, losing all function. However the previously absorbed bodies of Agents Smith and Pankin remained at zero Hit Points, and their coating of green goo suddenly [DATA EXPUNGED].

As the remaining players panicked, and mere seconds from [DATA EXPUNGED], Agent Candle arrived, and combined the Green Goo Gun card with his one remaining red card ("Don't forget your eel juice"), firing the resulting weapon upwards at the primary players.

All players awoke simultaneously with no memory of the events of the game, or of the reason for their presence in the game board. No prize money was awarded.

Participants have professed no recollection of game events, which have been reconstructed entirely from recordings. For security and psychological reasons, events of this iteration remain classified to participants.

Notable Cards Drawn:

The Avery card.

Card Color: Orange
Card Title: Avery

Subtitle: Someone is going to be boned

Type: Anomaly | Sentient | Animal

Description: A slavering white wendigo with the power to control bone growth. What's not to love?

Stats: 9 ATK / 5 DEF / 6 HP

Audio Recording Transcript Excerpts

[BEGIN LOG]

Agent Zhao: Watch your six, Zoe! Some kind of dog on the ceiling!

<growling noises>

Agent Pankin: This way, come on!

AIC-Glacon: I would advise against that direction.

Unknown: <singing> Food, glorious food!

Agent Smith: What the hell? Hey Candle, wait for us, don't you dare -

M.O. Candle: I'm sorry!

Dr. Agarwal: Cowardly bastard. Let's get out of here.

AIC-Glacon: What is your desired outcome from this experience?

Agent Pankin: Well I sure as hell don't want to lose, Glacon!

AIC-Glacon: My calculations indicate that the use of this card at this time will ensure that you do not lose.

Agent Pankin: Okay, logging in - it should effect the nearest player. Sorry, Lakshmi!

Dr. Agarwal: I don't feel anything.

Agent Pankin: What gives, Glacon?

AIC-Glacon: I cannot provide an answer to that query, Agent. Unfortunately the high volume of data released in the program you have activated will temporarily overwhelm my processing capacity. I should, perhaps, have mentioned this eventuality before advising, -ing, -ing, -ing…

Researcher Bell: I think he's crashed, Thomas.

Agent Pankin: Dammit, now what do I do? Those things are right outside!

Unknown: <singing> Lakshmi, Lakshmi, give me your answer, do…

Unknown: Ar ruv roo.

Dr. Agarwal: I'm sorry what now?

Agent Zhao: Keep going, Zoe - you're almost out.

Agent Smith: Okay, I'm - aaaaaagggghh!

Agent Zhao: Zoe!

Dr. Igotta: Jesus.

Researcher Bell: Oh god, that's - that's horrible. James, you have to do something. James?

Dr. Agarwal: Shit - it's absorbed all of my companions.

Unknown: I'm your companion, Lakshmi. All of us are. Join us.

Dr. Igotta: Lakshmi, run.

Unknown: All of you can join us - we will be beautiful together.

Researcher Bell: Is it - is it looking at us? Can we just stop now, please?

Dr. Igotta: Yeah, this ceased to be fun a long while back.

Agent Zhao: <muffled sobbing> I can still hear her.

Dr. Agarwal: <screams> The green is [DATA EXPUNGED]! It's [DATA EXPUNGED]! Logan, I don't want to die!

Dr. Igotta: I'm sorry, Lakshmi. It - it will be okay. I promise.

Dr. Agarwal: It's so dark.

Researcher Bell: I can barely see anything down there.

Agent Zhao: So dark.

Dr. Agarwal: Please, I don't want to die.

M.O. Candle: You won't - at least not alone.

Researcher Bell: James!

Dr. Igotta: Finally!

M.O. Candle: Okay, here goes nothing…

[DATA EXPUNGED]

Agent Smith: Ugh - what - where am I? I don't feel well.

M.O. Candle: Don't get up - let me check. Can you tell me your name?

<Victory music sounds are heard, but tail off rapidly.>

Unknown: Uh, congratulations, I guess? Did anyone win? Why are we here? Is it a sphere, perhaps? Who is Doctor Wondertainment?

Dr. Igotta: Wondertainment - huh, that explains a lot. But also nothing.

Agent Pankin: Um, what just happened?

AIC-Glacon: Despite having been inactivated and thus unable to observe subsequent proceedings, I surmise that my previous calculation was correct, and that your actions ensured that you did not lose the game.

Dr. Agarwal: We were playing a game?

+ Open Log 3301|042

- Close Log

Log ID: 3301|042

Participants: Dr. Westrin and Junior Researcher Kim, D-1886 and Dr. Messer

Game Board: Dr. Jones' Locker

Winner: Dr. Westrin and Junior Researcher Kim

Victory Condition: MR. ESCHATOLOGY

Difficulty Setting: Maksur

Runtime: 25h 17m 28s

Payout: $216,145

Game Summary: Each player received a gunshot wound upon entering. However, instead of a random location, each player was shot in their left eye. Eyepatches manifested near their vicinity, which they eventually put on.

Each team started on a beach on an island in the middle of a large body of water. No other land is seen by the players. Dr Westrin draws the card "Deep Below The Reef", which allows him access to a secret area of the game board. A loud foghorn is heard in the distance, and a large sunken cargo ship appears at the beach.

Dr. Messer immediately plays the card "Starry Night", which reduces visibility of everyone in the area. This allows Dr. Messer to draw and play a card, which is revealed to be "Lost Love at Sea". Another foghorn, this time slightly louder, is heard in the distance, and two boats appear that try and attempt to hinder Dr. Westrin's advancement to the cargo ship.

While this plays out, D-1886 plays green card "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", which summons an oil tanker off the coast of the island. Another foghorn is heard, even louder than the last, in the distance once more. The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald prepares to destroy the cargo ship. JR Kim plays the card "Yin-Yang", which allows the user to play two divine beings in one turn.

With this, she summons the supreme divine card "The Great Leviathan". Due to its immense size, it causes the nearby terrain to change; mountains, crevices, and large earthquakes appear on the island and volcanic activity begins to rise. JR Kim also plays a supreme divine card called "The Eel". The Eel and The Great Leviathan charge at D-1886 and the oil tanker, instantly annihilating them both.

Dr. Westrin successfully makes it to the cargo ship, and finds a small lockbox inside. Opening the lockbox, Dr. Westrin discovers the supreme divine card "The S-C-P-S Midnight Jacket", and immediately plays it. One last foghorn is heard in the distance, and a supremely large wormhole is seen at an unknown distance. A large metal spacecraft is seen exiting the wormhole. It is currently theorized that the spacecraft was approximately the size of Manhattan.

An unidentified object around the size of a human is seen being detached from the spacecraft, which appears to be an escape pod. Once it lands on the island, an entity exits it. The entity appears as an extremely large orangutan in stereotypical sailor's clothes, smoking a pipe, and holding a finished Rubik's Cube in their hand. A necklace is seen around their neck.

The entity speaks through American Sign Language, and speaks with the players for a short time. After 15 minutes, the entity reenters the escape pod. It begins to fly back into the spacecraft. Eventually, several large objects that resemble anchors are shot out of the spacecraft and begin to impale The Eel and The Great Leviathan, and begin to drag them up into the craft. Immediately afterwards, the game ends and Dr. Westrin and Junior Researcher Kim are rewarded the "Mr. ESCHATOLOGY" win-condition.

Notable Cards Drawn:

Card Color: Red

Card Title: The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

Subtitle: Do not come near, lest your boat be your own tomb.

Type: Structure

Description: A giant oil tanker, which instantly destroys all ships that come near it. Comes equipped with other weaponry for other types of enemies, such as harpoons, cannons, torpedoes, etc.

Stats: 15 ATK / 85 DEF / 30 HP

Card Color: Orange

Card Title: The S.C.P.S Midnight Jacket

Subtitle: The Terror of the Seas

Type: Supreme Divine

Description: Dead Foundations Write No Tales

Stats: ?? ATK / ?? DEF / ?? HP

Audio Recording Transcript Excerpts

[BEGIN LOG]

Dr. Westrin: Jesus Christ, I've gone blind!

D-1886: Ah, fuck! W-why the fuck did they have to shoot my eye.

Junior Researcher Kim: It shot my eye too. The hell..

Dr. Westrin: Look, here are some eyepatches.

Dr. Messer: Yeah, this was definitely done on purpose, especially considering we're on an island in the middle of the ocean. Yar har, I guess.

Dr. Westrin: Damn, look at the size of that ship. I'm going over.

JR Kim: Er, did you just hear that lou-

Dr. Messer: (In the distance) Oh no you ain't. Take this!

JR Kim: Fucking shit, it's pitch black.

Dr. Westrin: I can still see the ship. Cover my back, I'm going over.

(Two small boats appear on the shore. They begin to charge at Dr. Westrin.)

JR Kim: I swear I can hear something over in the dist-

(One of the boats successfully rams Dr. Westrin, he is flung over near the cargo ship. The boats appear to face towards Kim.)

JR Kim: Shit.

Dr. Messer: 1886, do you have anything to destroy the cargo ship. I've distracted them for now.

D-1886: Yeah, hold on a sec. (Pause) Here we go.

(D-1886 plays the card.)

Dr. Messer: Did you hear that? It sounds like a foghorn.

D-1886: Did ya say something, I was staring at the giant ass ship that just appeared in front of us.

JR Kim: (Draws a card.) Oooh-ho-hoo, hope you guys are ready to get demolished.

(The Great Leviathan and The Eel appear behind her)

JR Kim: Let's see you kill these guys.

(Dr. Messer is seen quickly running away from The Wreck and D-1886)

D-1886: Shit.

Dr. Westrin: I got it, I got the card. It's called "The S.C.P.S Midnight Jacket, and the description says "Dead Foundations Tell No Tales".

JR Kim: Play it then, quickly, before Messer can attack back.

(Dr. Westrin plays the card. The foghorn is head, and the wormhole is spotted in the distance.)

Dr. Messer: Er….. what did you do.

Dr. Westrin: I have no idea.

(The escape pod from the spacecraft is seen ejecting, and lands right next to Westrin, Kim and Messer.)

Entity: (In sign language:) Hello. You are from the Foundation, correct?

JR Kim: You could say that, yes. Who are you?

Entity: (In sign language:) Names Bright. Was setting sail in case we ever found our target.

Jr Kim: Target?

Entity: (In sign language:) Yes madam. We call them the Woodpeckers. They've been tearing up the multiverse, and plundering everything in site. They've already plundered, what, 5 or 6 billion universes so far? We have been sent to destroy them.

JR Kim: Why do you need such a humongous spacecraft?

Entity: First off, it's not a spacecraft, it's a dimensional craft. Second off, the Woodpeckers ship is also extremely huge. (The entity takes a puff from their pipe.) Say, have you seen the Woodpeckers around here at all lately.

JR Kim: No sir.

Entity: Good. You got off lucky.

(The entity returns to their pod, and begins to fly back up to the spacecraft. The Eel and The Great Leviathan are seen being pulled by the ship.)

Dr. Messer: Did that monkey just….. take the Eel and the Leviathan.

Dr. Westrin: Looks like it.

+ Open Log 3301|065

- Close Log

Log ID: 3301|065

Participants: Dr Tiber and Dr Larch, Agent Kane and Agent Gold of MTF Lambda-5 ("White Rabbits"), Agent McKinnon and Agent Fole of PTF Delta-43, Senior Researcher Croche and D-08723, and Dir. Leeds and Special Agent Lockheed.

Game Board: The Grove of Those Forgotten

Winner: Agent Kane and Agent Gold

Victory Condition: MR. COALITION

Difficulty Setting: Apollyon

Runtime: 14h 27m 33s

Payout: $609,312

Game Summary: The game was begun as the latest in an unofficial 'testing initiative' between several Foundation researchers in an attempt to beat SCP-3301's 'Apollyon' difficulty (as 'MR SURVIVOR' did not count as an official 'win' in that difficulty). Although apparently located within the forest which begs for silence, the inherent nomenclative hazards were avoided through the use of a system of automatic verbal alterations for all players and entities, similar to Protocol 4000-Eshu.

Upon beginning the game, Agent Fole and Special Agent Lockheed were both afflicted with blindness. However, as per the terms of an agreement between the researchers involved in this round, they were assisted by the other players in order to maximise their chances of winning.

Initial turns consisted of exploring the thicket of lost things, upon which D-08723 encountered the orange card "The Wizard and the Archway". They were almost devoured, saved only by the intervention of Agent Gold who used the Red Card "Immolation" to neutralise the entity.

With the appearance of the two Supreme Divine Beings on Turn 4 (The First Unanswered Question and PERFECT HATRED), players immediately began to search for a method to delay the arrival of the currently unbeatable hostile entities, aided when D-08723 found and equipped the Blue Card "Cheese is Risen", who transmuted incoming attacks into various types of "Cheese" cards (which could be consumed to regain HP).

Once Agent Fole found and summoned the Divine Orange Card "Where is Harold Holt?" (which immediately began accosting both hostile Supreme Divine Beings simultaneously), an agreement was formed between the players to split into two groups.

One, formed of Dr Larch, Special Agent Lockheed, and D-08723, would attempt to achieve the 'MR FINDER' win condition under the guidance of the Companion Card "Amogus", which could find hidden anomalies by denoting areas of 'high suspicion'. The other, formed of Agents Gold and Agent Fole, would attempt to achieve the 'MR COLLECTOR' or 'MR COALITION' win conditions by exploring the board and neutralising any roving entities they found.

The game continued like this for some time, both teams managing to avoid the hostile Supreme Divine Beings through the clever application of various cards, most notably the Green Trap Card "Ex Nihilo Nihil Fit", which, upon being tripped by "PERFECT HATRED", removed it from existence for the next 19.78 turns, unless it was able to escape prior to this.

Although the first team seemed set to achieve the 'MR FINDER' win condition after disabling the antimemetic hazard that protected the hidden card and successfully avoiding the hostile entities on the boards, plans changed when "Amogus" noted a tile where 'nothing was suspicious' in front of them, resulting in the removal of the team and the hidden golden anomaly from existence when they encountered "Nothing" on that tile.

Immediately following this, "PERFECT HATRED" escaped from "Ex Nihilo Nihil Fit" and "Where is Harold Holt?" was destroyed by "The First Unanswered Question", both entities turning their attentions to the remaining players.

As the situation seemed hopeless, Agent Gold allowed Agent Fole to attempt to kill her, thereby earning the 'MR SURVIVOR' win condition. However, at the last possible moment, Agent Gold found the White Card "I'm So Meta, Even This Card", which added the cards "The Palisade Plan" and "The Fourth Horseman" to Agent Gold's hand.

With both Supreme Divine Beings headed towards her, Agent Gold played the Green Card "The Fourth Horseman" on her own tile, followed immediately after by the use of the Blue Card "The Palisade Plan", transporting both her and Agent Fole to another universe (a space off the board) temporarily. When the Supreme Divine Beings reached Agent Gold's former tile of residence, "The Fourth Horseman"'s effect activated, immediately killing every entity on the board and awarding Agents Gold and Kane the 'MR COALITION' win condition.

Notable Cards Drawn:

Card Color: Orange

Card Title: PERFECT HATRED

Subtitle: A Decidedly Imperfect Termination Attempt.

Type: Anomaly | Sentient | Supreme Divine

Description: The perfect expression of pure hatred. Don't mess with the lizard, children.

Stats: ?? ATK / ?? DEF / ?? HP | (All values were listed as STACK_OVERFLOW_ERROR instead of as numbers)

Card Color: Blue

Card Title: Amogus

Subtitle: Red is Sus! Red is Sus!

Type: Companion

Description: Always watching for suspicious activity. Has a hard time making friends, the poor chap.

Stats: 2 ATK / 2 DEF / 4 HP

Card Color: White

Card Title: I'm So Meta, Even This Card

Description: I sincerely hope you're enjoying this game. Have fun!

Effect: Grants the player 1-7 cards of various types. All cards are either very powerful on their own, powerful in conjunction with one another, or both.

Audio Recording Transcript Excerpts

[BEGIN LOG]
D-08723: Well, at least it looks nice here. I got a little worried when the announcer started speaking in green.
Agent Fole: [Grumbling] Of course I'm blind again. My one opportunity to see the fae garden, and I can't goddamn see.
D-08723: Hang on. How are you speaking in green as well? What the hell?
Special Agent Lockheed: This place of wistful longing can only be referred to like this. If we give it an official name, we get cursed by… something.
D-08723: You mean, I can speak in green as well? Like this? "Wow, this graveyard of epiphets is real pretty". [Gasp] Holy shit.
Agent Gold: Pretty wild, huh?

Dir. Leeds: Oh, that's not good.
Dr Larch: What is it?
Dir. Leeds: I knew it was gonna be bad, but… wow.
D-08723: I've seen a lot of shit in these testing sessions, doc, and everyone else a whole lot more. Lay it on us.
Dir. Leeds: Your opponents are An Echoing Light in Infinite Darkness and… something that took an entire alternate universe for its own. Something vaguely reptilian.
(Silence.)
Agent Gold: Well. We're probably fucked, aren't we?

Snr Researcher Croche: We'll split up. We've got old Cheesus to protect us and our suspicious friend here to sniff anything out, so we'll go look for the golden anomaly and try to get the 'MR FINDER' win. You guys…
Agent Fole: Yeah, I got it. We'll just try not to die and kill anything in our way.
Snr Researcher Croche: Spot on. Alright people, let's hop to it. We might actually have a chance.

Amogus: There's nothing suspicious here.
Dr Tiber: You heard the man. You guys are safe to go. (To himself) Oh my god, we might actually win!
(Dr Larch, Special Agent Lockheed, and D-08723 move forward, and are erased from existence by "Nothing", along with the golden anomaly.)
Dr Tiber: …
Dr Tiber: Well, that's just not very fair, is it?

Agent Kane: Just let him kill you, Charlie. We're screwed anyway.
Agent Fole: I hate to say it, but we're kinda out of options here. Plus, I'd like to do something before I die. I've kinda just been blind this whole time.
Agent McKinnon: You were our comic relief, Jason. You were the most important role of all.
Agent Fole: Please shut up.
Agent Gold: Alright, alright. At least make my death funny, oka- wait. What's this? "I'm So Meta, Even This Card"? The hell is this?
Dr Larch: What are you waiting for? Play it! It could be our last chance!
(Agent Gold plays the card.)
Agent Gold: …oh my god.
Dir. Leeds: What is it?
Agent Gold: I think I have an idea.

Agent Fole: No way.
Agent Gold: Yes way. They may be gods, but that thing? It doesn't care. (To the board) Checkmate, you bastards.
("The Fourth Horseman" activates. All entities on the board are killed instantaneously, and Agent Gold is awarded the 'MR COALITION' win condition. All players can be heard cheering raucously.)
Announcer: My sincere congratulations on beating Apollyon difficulty! But the challenge is not over yet. Check the rulebook. I've got a little surprise for you!
(As the game concludes, Dir. Leeds checks the SCP-3301 rulebook. His smile slowly disappears.)
D-08723: What is it, doc?
Dir. Leeds: Looks like our work isn't over yet. (He shows the rest of the players the rulebook.)
Agent Kane: '[DIFFICULTY EXPUNGED]'? You're kidding.
Dr Larch: They could have at least come up with an actual name, goddammit.
(Silence.)
Special Agent Lockheed: So, uh, who's up for another round?
(Collective groaning.)