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Item #: SCP-244

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: None are needed at present time, but the object is to be closely monitored, and if at all possible, removed from Kain Pathos Crow’s possession and submitted for further study and experimentation.

Description: Object is a large, bipedal spherical device one point three five (1.35) meters in diameter, with the upper quarter of the sphere missing and leading into a cockpit of sorts. Item possesses two pairs of prehensile arms, each arm having six highly dexterous fingers and two thumbs. There are exposed patches of clockwork, tubing, cables, and hydraulics in the object's outer chassis.

SCP-244 is constructed of 226.8 kg (500 lb) of SCP-143, 9.07 kg (20 lb) of SCP-148, 136.08 kg (300 lb) of copper, 113.4 kg (250 lb) of titanium, 45.36 kg (100 lb) of rubber, 27.22 kg (60 lb) of glass, 13.61 kg (30 lb) of high-end military grade electronics, 2.27 kg (5 lb) of SCP-447-2, and several components that had been run through SCP-914 on various settings, including three (3) Cray supercomputers, 7.26 kg (16 lb) of uranium-234, nine (9) scientific grade calculators, four (4) seventh-generation games consoles, two (2) plasma screen televisions, four (4) ducks, and an antique three hundred (300) year-old grandfather clock.

It was constructed by SCP-172, aided by SCP-030 and SCP-488-1, with several notes and design features reverse engineered from SCP-044, SCP-212, and SCP-278. All of this was authorised by Kain Pathos Crow himself, and while base authorisation of which was overlooked by higher command as Crow claimed it was to aid in his “biological disabilities”, large portions of this project were carried in secret, without the knowledge of his superiors or peers.

While these factors by themselves would be enough to classify this object an SCP, Crow authorised many “enhancements” to SCP-244, by way of experimentation with SCP-040, SCP-158, SCP-399, SCP-407, and again with SCP-914.

The result of this is a device that is still not fully understood by our research staff, and is not entirely constrained by normal Euclidean physics. It is capable of speeds of up to 643.74 km/h (400 mi/h) in three point one (3.1) seconds and can lift weights of over 4535.92 kg (10,000 lb).

It has demonstrated a large number of attachments and abilities; the ones that have been recorded are:

  • A large fifty-two (52) barrel minigun that fired several hundred .50 calibre rounds dispensed by an unknown source.
  • A large television with access to every television channel on this planet, as well as some that were not able to be located terrestrially, or within this era of time.
  • Recreating several works of art within twelve (12) minutes.
  • Playing the board game, Go, on level with advanced human players.
  • Producing the items needed to bake a Belgian casserole, again from an unknown source.
  • Performing emergency triple bypass heart surgery.
  • Internally brewing and dispensing over two thousand (2000) litres of alcohol.
  • Performing advanced theoretical chaos mathematics for the purpose of computing the probability of the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series this year.
  • Translating anything affected by SCP-732 into comprehensible and well written English.
  • Deploying four (4) large speakers and a subwoofer and playing Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" in such a way that everyone in the facility heard it, including three (3) people who were legally deaf, and one person who was clinically dead at the time. It is believed that it may have been transmitted telepathically rather than via soundwaves.
  • Cultivating a large patch of Bellis perennis, or daisies, on a canteen table in Bio-Research Area-12, despite having no soil or water.

Additional Notes: It is not fully understood how Crow is able to pilot SCP-244, as he lacks opposable thumbs or even fingers, and has been seen controlling the device while being completely unaware of its location.

The device is normally located with Crow’s presence, as he uses the device as a set of hands and transport. It is a regular sight on Bio-Research Area-14 to see Crow travelling through the corridors on the device, so much so, that it has become known to local staff as “The Egg Walker”, due to the similarity in appearance to the walker device used by the character "E█████", in the classic video game series "S████ the H███████".

Addendum 244-A Yes, I know it's a horrible amalgam of ten thousand different Things That Should Not Be piloted by a sentient dog, but I really can't make fun of someone who poured me a nice, cold beer. On a side note, please let the Guinness Brewing Company know that someone's figured out their secret formula.
- A. Clef

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