SCP-1883-J

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  ⚠️Warning: the following article contains incidents depicting Foundation buffoonery. Reader discretion is super duper ultra advised!
  
  Arr! This be the work of that accursed brigand Mister_Toasty!
  
  I be havin' an Author Page, me hearties!

  ---

The mutinous number of the item in question: SCP-1883-J

The sort of brig we be usin': Endeminis¹

How we be clappin' it in irons: On Admiral's orders, for the entire duration of the accursed and thrice-bedeviled phenomenon, all outbound communication is to be curtailed to emergency usage. The same applies for documentation of any sort, be it writ or spoken in record. Upon completion of the event, all documents and records made during the event must be altered. All non-essential bilge-rats may partake in shore leave until the foul squall has passed.²

How we be describin' the blackguard: SCP-1883-J be a blight upon the fabric of reality that forcibly integrates International Talk Like a Pirate Day³ into the spoken and written vernacular of all crew aboard the SCP Foundation. This mostly be emulatin' the vocal cadence and patterns of West Country English vernacular, in particular Mr. Robert Newton, during his portrayal of Long John Silver in the 1950 adaptation o' Treasure Island.⁴

What additional notes we be addin': Arr, this be an account of the most recent SCP-1883-J incident in question, as recorded by the landlubbers Chi-7 (Plague Tamers) during a routine cleanup operation.

Time: 18 September, 23:58

Location: Seventeen kilometers outside the eastern city limits of El Alto, Bolivia

Present: Tango, Uniform, Victor (Captain), Whiskey

Note: all communication preceding the SCP-1883-J incident has been truncated.

---

Victor: Hume readings returning to baseline.

Uniform: Structural integrity solid. The Spread's dissolving. Continuing treatment.

Whiskey: Clear on point five, points six and seven, point eight.

Tango: Uniform, need a hand?

Uniform: Negative, appreciated. Be done in a sec.

Tango: Copy. Rendezvous at point nine with Whiskey when you're finished.

Uniform: Copy. No changes, Tango?

Tango: None, Uniform. Heading to point nine.

Victor: Belay that, Tango, you're with me at point ten.

Tango: Copy, what's the status of point ten ya scum-suckin' sea-rat, yarr!

Victor: Arr, Tango, ya filthy sow, be ye not speakin' that way to — YARR, thrice-accursed devil dogs, now I be doin' it, too! Arr, what be the hour of watch, ya scurvy knaves?

Whiskey: Cap'n, I got a score o' seconds and more past midnight, yarr.

Victor: Shiver me timbers, I do be forgettin' the day! This wretched pox upon us be the work of SCP-1883-J, me hearties!

(Various voices reply with "Arr!")

Whiskey: Blow me down, Cap'n! Be we continuin' the sweep?

Victor: Nay, bo'sun, finish yer duties and meet back up at port! Ain't no use communicatin' any further, lest ye want a keelhaulin'.

(Various voices reply with "Aye-aye!")

More additional notes we be addin': An Overseer Council meetin' held during an SCP-1883-J incident, archived for posterity.

Avast: Level-5 clearance be required for access, ye scallywags!

Time: 19 September, 23:50

Location: Site-01

Present: O5-1, 2, 5, 8, 12

---

O5-1: Avast, ye blackguards! I do be apologizin' for callin' ye scurvy dogs on such short notice — and at the most inopportune time imagined — yet it could not be helped, as an emergency vote need be taken, yarr!

O5-2: Bollocks and bilge-rats, One, could ye not have belayed it a few hours more? It be most humiliatin' to be forced into such foul loquaciousness!

O5-1: Aye, an' ya think I be havin' the time of me life, ye swab? I had to exchange words with RAISA and the Administrator today, and t'weren't no Sunday picnic, by Neptune's beard!

O5-12: Be silent, ye mutinous landlubbers! Let's just get this meetin' concluded and fast!

(Various voices reply "Aye" and "Arr".)

O5-1: Avast, then. The first order of affairs be concernin' a replacement Director for Site-278. Offet's a fair brigand, but he ain't the type to be Cap'n, arr.

O5-12: Ahoy, One! I do be nominatin' ETTRA's Beatrice Harrrrrrr-dy, yarr.

(silence)

O5-1: Was that entirely necessary, ye mangy buccaneer?

O5-12: Upon me honor, tis' the thrice-accursed anomaly speakin'!

(silence)

O5-1: (sighs) Yo-ho, be there any other nominations?

O5-2: Harrrrrrr-dy's a clear choice, fer sure.

O5-8: Aye, Harrrrrrr-dy's an old salt, me hearties.

O5-5: A fairer wench you'll ne'er find than Miss Harrrrrrr-dy.

(silence)

O5-1: Ye scurvy dogs be doin' this on purpose, ain't'cha?

(silence)

O5-1: Oh, bollocks, very well. It be decided, then.

(Various voices reply "Aye".)

O5-8: Arr, a round o' grog for everyone!

(silence)

O5-8: Beggin' yer pardon.

O5-1: Anyway, the next point of the agenda be that bilious outbreak Chi-7 cleaned in Bolivia. We be gettin' more reports up and down the yardarm that population centers in Uruguay, Chile, and Ecuador have faced similar outbreaks, though many of these sightings come from our spies in the — OH, THANK GOD, IT'S OVER!

(The Overseers breathe a sigh of relief.)

O5-5: Before you say another word, One, I'd like to apologize for my earlier remark regarding Miss Hardy. If you could perhaps not mention it to her…

O5-1: Nothing any of us says leaves this room, Five. Consider it forgiven and forgotten.

O5-5: I appreciate that. Anyway, regarding this outbreak…

(The remainder of the meeting has been redacted.)

Addendum: A brief incident concerning MTF Chi-7.

Time: 20 September, 10:58

Location: A Foundation safe house in Buenos Aires, Argentina

Present: Tango, Uniform, Victor (Captain), Whiskey

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Victor: All right, Plague Tamers, we just got word from HQ about a new strain in the city. You all know the drill. Uniform, you've got crowd control; Tango, you're in charge of collecting samples. Whiskey, I want you—

Whiskey: Yo-ho, Cap'n, ye can count on me to hoist anchor, raise the mizzenmast, and spray their sorry hides with Beelzebub's broadsides! We'll send that virus to Davy Jones' locker, arr!

(silence)

Victor: Whiskey?

Whiskey: Aye, Cap'n!

Victor: It's over. You don't have to do that anymore.

(silence)

Whiskey: Aww.

‡ Licensing / Citation

Cite this page as:

"SCP-1883-J" by Mister_Toasty, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/scp-1883-j. Licensed under CC BY-SA.

For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.

Footnotes

1. The item be influencin' Foundation practice, and must be managed rather than kept in the brig.

2. Typically it be lastin' no more'n a period of twenty and four hours, yarr.

3. That be the nineteenth of September, me hearties.

4. Arr, we be aware that real pirates never talked like this, ya scurvy dogs!