Your the eye of my ass of something idk
Special Containment Procedures: As SCP-1671-J was an isolated event, no active containment is necessary.
The now non-anomalous SCP-1671-J-1 placed within a shadowy background for dramatic effect.
Description: SCP-1671-J was an extranormal event that occurred in Site-19, which lasted 89 hours. Initiated by the joint accidental efforts of the Department of Folkloristics & the Department of Essophysics during testing regarding modern idioms and their relation to the cultural zeitgeist.
During the experiment,2 a local APAD-CLASS CONCEPTUAL MERGER scenario occurred due to human error, causing the creation of an immediate containment breach of SCP-1671-J-1.
SCP-1671-J-1 was an essophysical construct made up of ██ concepts, visually resembling an ordinary instance of Malus domestica capable of locomotion through unknown means. All sapient individuals identifying and/or in close proximity with anyone noospherically aligned to the concept of science and medicine were unable to engage in physical contact with SCP-1671-J-1.
Any individuals attempting to do so would immediately experience disorientation and a sense of dizziness, along with either an intense psychological response resembling the feeling of third-degree burns across the genitalia or a localized spatial distortion preventing the afflicted from traversing any distance closer to SCP-1671-J-1.
ADDENDUM-1: Timeline of events after SCP-1671-J-1's breach.
[BEGIN LOG]
01:07: SCP-1671-J-1 breaches the testing door, proceeding to the on-site xenobiology office.
02:11: Site security is notified of the breach, and site lockdown is initiated.
04:22: All attempts at physically apprehending SCP-1671-J-1 are unsuccessful, due to its latent anomalous properties.
07:43: SCP-1671-J-1 is noticed by Dir. Jonathan King, while attempting to viciously assault a poster of a tree made for the xenobiology office.
10:15: After being briefed on SCP-1671-J-1 though SCiPNet communication, Dir. King proceeds to tackle the entity to the ground, bypassing its anomalous properties.
Immediately afterward, SCP-1671-J-1 and Dir. King both entered a quantum superpositioned state, locked in an embrace for the next 72 hours, until the department of applied noöspherics completed procedure CYANIDESEEED. This state is hypothesized by the Department of Essophysics to be the result of Dir. King, disregarding the site-wide cigarette ban established the week before, causing a paradox with the concepts that made up SCP-1671-J-1.
ADDENDUM-2: Various testimonies regarding SCP-1671-J collected by the late Dr. Dullard Smith.
"I've made my peace with the seeds. They bend to my will now."
-Dir Jonathan King
"Is that why we don't have Apple Fritter Fridays anymore??? Fuck that King guy and his stupid appleseeds!"
- Dr. Lachlan Cairns
"The way Joe stared at that apple… Wish Konny looked at me like that."
-Dr. Alto Clef
"It really was the apple of his eye. I'm just glad I don't have to clean up those damn seeds ever again."
-Philip Eugene Deering
"I guess an apple a day doesn't keep the doctor away, huh?"
- Dr. Dullard Smith.3
ADDENDUM-3: POST SCP-1671-J EVENTS.
[01:] Due to further inquiry regarding SCP-1671-J by the O5 Council on January 23rd, 2025, no anomalous or non-anomalous instances of Malus domestica are to be stored or served at Site-19, except for specific dietary restrictions for certain anomalies.
[02:] Approximately ██ Foundation employees in Site-19 have been scheduled for psychological counselling by Dr. Simon Glass.
[03:] A group of 31 Foundation junior researchers stood outside of Site-19's main entrance, protesting the site-wide cigarette ban. All protestors cited SCP-1671-J as a primary motive and were demoted to D-Class personnel.
[04:] Due to the loss of 500,000 US dollars in monthly Overwatch command revenue and 3000 resignations by Foundation employees, as well as a disproportionate amount of yearly Foundation suicides, the O5 Council's previous decision has been unanimously vetoed by the Ethics Committee, the O4 Council, the O3 Court, the O2 Congress, and the O1 Cabinet.