SODDING CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES:
PUT THE THING. INTO THE TUBE. IT’S NOT THAT HARD. The amount of times I’ve seen some random BITCH just LEAVE IT ON THE SIDE, it’s NOT EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE. BUT GUESS WHAT, EINSTEIN?? IT WAS NEVER F█CKING FUNNY!! I’M TALKING TO YOU, EUGENE!! ALL OF YOU CAN GO TO HEL-
— As provided by our kind and soft-hearted Security Sergeant
Special Containment Procedures:
SCP-086-J is to be stored in a magnesium cylinder with a sealed cap, the currently provided cylinder being two metres squared in all directions. Security Sergeant ████ is to be restrained from handling the direct containment of the anomaly, despite their authority in its direction.
— As provided by our incredibly mean and super 3:< Site Director
Description They Forced Me To Do
SCP-086-J is like, y’know, this thing. It’s, like, this one thing that does the… thing, y’know?1 Like a really…thingy…thing. The thing is really, really thingy. Like, I’m not even kidding.2 It’s the thingiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s like if someone got a bowl of thing, and put it on a thing”. That’s how thingy it is. Like, big.3
Even when it things, it really things. It’s thinged so hard that it broke the thing metre.
This is the thing metre. It is very sad.
The thing metre was incredibly sad when the thing levels went off the charts. That’s the sheer amount of thing that SCP-086-J possesses.4
It’s more thingy than the thingiest thing you’ve seen in your whole life.5
“SCP-086-J is… most professionally put, literally just a thing. There is genuinely no other description for the anomaly rather than it being a thing. No matter what the hell we do to it or interpret it as, it’s always just been a thing6. It isn’t even antimemetic. It’s just some thing.”
— Research Director Arnold Hughes describing the thing
“PUT THE THING IN THE TUBE, IT’S NOT THAT HARD, I HATE YOU ALL, DIE IN A FIRE, I HOPE YOU KILL YOURSE—”
— Our lovely Security Sergeant, feeling they can express their feelings with our understanding Foundation personnel
Thing Attributes
So, like, SCP-086-J is covered in loads of hot, viscous thing, accompanied by extra outspurts and masses of thing. Many test subjects have reported seeing things on it, and others have said that the amazing extent of thing hurt their brain7. Here’s some random test a guy took of the thing:
ENTER SMART SCIENCE BOI
ENTER SCARY ORANGE BOI
ENTER TWO COOL WHITE P90 BOIS
SMART SCIENCE BOI (Prolly to Scary Orange Boi :P)
Approach the thing.
SCARY ORANGE BOI (Oh shet I was right)
…That’s it? You can’t be bothered to say the name of the object anymore?
SMART SCIENCE BOI (Tsk, silly billy Scary Orange Boi)
It’s literally called the thing. Don’t question our methods.
COOL WHITE P90 BOIS
Super ominous silence
SCARY ORANGE BOI (THE SILLY BILLY)
Um… okay.
The Super Scary Orange Boi stares at the thing. He stares some more.
COOL WHITE P90 BOIS
Intense lack of English
SCARY ORANGE BOI
…it’s… just some thing.
SMART SCIENCE BOI (Happi :3)
Perfect, you will now be escorted back to your cell.
SCARY ORANGE BOI (CONFUZ)
The hell…? I’ve been here for 15 seconds!!
COOL WHITE P90 BOIS (oh phuq)
Super cool steps towards Scary Orange Boi
The Smart Science Boi stares at the Scary Orange Boi with a nonchalant expression.
SMART SCIENCE BOI
It’s a thing. Our job is done. :P
I like Smart Science Boi. He gave me a cookie once.8
The only thing test subjects are required to do with SCP-068-J is identify that it is a thing. As long as the Class - D can identify that it’s a thing, they are permitted to return to their containment cell. Because it’s, like, a thing9 . A really thingy one.
Records of Class - Ds who had not identified SCP-086-J as a thing were mercilessly beaten with mugs by every available Mobile Task Force on Site, due to mugs being the most convenient item at the time. Anyone who opposes to SCP-086-J being a thing (though very rarely), they shall be mugged alongside.
Various smashing and fracturing sounds of bones and mugs
No audible voices throughout
— A Class - D f█cking dying
There have, however, been situations where SCP-086-J has not been a thing. It has a really spooky and scary counterpart called SCP-086-J-2, which is exactly the same, but with a sign on it saying “I AM NOT A THING.”. It shocked so many Foundation personnel that, as a result, the Medical Department had been overflowing with traumatised security the day SCP-086-J-2 was brought into the site. I mean, what the hell? It isn’t a thing? That’s treacherous. Preposterous. I- no, I’m done, I need to take a lie down… this is a lot to take in…
WARNING
VERY SCARY LOG AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
ARE YOU SURE
IT’S REALLY SCARY
OKAY SURE
GO AHEAD
*SHUDDERS*
;-;
INTERACTION BETWEEN SCP-086-J and SCP-086-J-2
(D:)
SCP-086-J
Intense silence
SCP-086-J-2
More silence
Enough silence to constipate a chicken
SCP-086-J (:0)
Falls off table
SCP-086-J-2 (Damn)
Probably shocked at how offensive that was
Scary Orange Boi holding the camera
Dramaaaaaaa…
SCP-068-J-2
Doesn’t thing (intensely)
Scary Orange Boi holding the camera
Dies
SCP-086-J (D:)
Is probably very sad
SCP-086-J-2 has since been destroyed. All we had to do was make it touch a thing, so a member of security removed the toaster from the site break room and forcefully lobbed it at SCP-086-J-2, much to the opposition and dismay of the rest of the security who were waiting for their toast. The anomaly proceeded to “AGH—“ and disappear with an over-the-top reverb.
Addendum SCP-086-J-A
One of the site security members felt really bad for the thing metre, so she asked the Site Director if she could get authorisation to repair it. The Site Director put together a super cool temporary task force called Alpha-18 “That…One Thing” and set out to repair it.
I hope you sods like reading Addendums, because the Security Sergeant doesn’t like them. I don’t like the Security Sergeant. He doesn’t like creme eggs. I mean, who the hell doesn’t like creme eggs? It’s unheard of.
Enter Cool White P90 Gal
Enter Peak Site Director
Cool White P90 Gal (Scare)
So… like, it just… detected too much thing?
Peak Site Director (Yup)
Yes, that’s correct. I know it sounds stupid, but anomalous things lead to strange outcomes.
The thing metre looks sad, a “3:” face being displayed on its screen.
Cool White P90 Gal
Okay, um… you said there was a taskforce?
The Peak Site Director snaps their fingers.
A large taskforce equipped with FAMASes runs in, screaming at the top of their lungs to get down.
One of the members of the taskforce walks up to the thing metre.
Alpha-18 Boi
Be okay.
Thing Metre
Okie!! :3 I gud now.
Cool White P90 Gal (Even more confuz)
._.
…what?
Peak Site Director (Satisfied with gud wurk :>)
There you go. Your problem has been solved.
Cool White P90 Gal
I just… wh… huh??
Addendum SCP-086-J-B
A further audible representation of a Class - D being mugged after denying SCP-086-J being a thing:
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA— OUGH, OW— PLEASE… OW, AGH, HELP-“
— D-8715 perishing via ceramic
Addendum SCP-086-J-C
(As recorded by Site Director Teddy Tanaka) — SCP-086-J is only to be referred to as its full name “SCP-086-J” in general conversation. If personnel keep referring to it as “that thing”, the confusion will only devolve. Any other instances of the anomaly besides the original are to be terminated immediately to avoid any further consequences.
