SCP-043-J

Item #: SCP-043-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-043-J-1 and SCP-043-J-2 are to be placed on a table in the center of Combat Training Room 46, one of the Foundation's largest combat rooms, measuring approximately 15m × 30m × 7m. The room is to remain locked with a clearance level of 2 or higher required to enter¹ and monitored at all times. A single female guard is to be stationed outside the room to prevent unauthorized access and avoid SCP-043-J's anomalous effects from causing any unwanted incidents. Personnel are allowed to interact with SCP-043-J on their free time provided they possess level 2 or above clearance and properly log their visit.

Description: SCP-043-J is a pair of two ordinary-looking sticks (hereafter designated SCP-043-J-1 and SCP-043-J-2), similar to those commonly found in wooded areas. However, they possess a powerful anomalous effect affecting male humanoid subjects.
Upon visual contact with either instance of SCP-043-J, male subjects will feel an immediate compulsion to approach, pick up either of the instances, and examine it with admiration. Shortly after, they will instinctively begin wielding it as a weapon, engaging in mock combat against the air, or an imaginary opponent.
When two (2) male subjects are present near SCP-043-J-1 and SCP-043-J-2, each will grab one instance and, without fail, engage in a duel. Regardless of prior combat experience, both subjects will demonstrate some proficiency in swordplay, fighting with the intensity and skill of trained warriors.²
Female subjects seem to be entirely unaffected by the properties of either instance of SCP-043-J. When observing affected males, they consistently describe their behavior as “childish” and “absolutely moronic.”

Discovery: SCP-043-J-1 and SCP-043-J-2 were discovered on 01/10/2007 at approximately 1430 hours in the woods near Site-██ by Junior Researcher Nathan and Field Agent George. However, the anomalies were not reported until at least four (4) hours after their discovery, when Agent George's wife, Alice³, found the two engaged in an intense duel using the SCP-043-J instances as swords.
Alice later described the battle as "intense," "dramatic," and "unbelievably stupid." She promptly confiscated the anomalies and reported them to Foundation personnel, to which they were logged and prepared for testing.

Test Log 043-J 1.1

Eight (8) D-class personnel were selected for the following test—four (4) male and four (4) female, as per standard procedure. One (1) guard was stationed inside Combat Training Room 46 to intervene if necessary.

Procedure: One (1) male D-class personnel enters Combat Training Room 46.
Result: The D-class immediately grabbed SCP-043-J-2, examined it closely, then whistled quietly in what was later described as "admiration of such a fine blade". He then pointed the stick at the stationed guard and declared, "I challenge thee!"
Following this, the stationed guard immediately sprinted towards the table, grabbed SCP-043-J-1, and preceded to engage in combat with the D-class using the SCP-043-J instances. Security personnel monitoring the test reported the incident, prompting two (2) female guards to burst into the room and subdue both combatants using stun weapons.
The D-class was dismissed, and the involved guard was lightly reprimanded.

Note: From this point forward, all experiments involving SCP-043-J will be supervised exclusively by female guards.

Test Log 043-J 1.2
Procedure: One (1) female D-class personnel enters Combat Training Room 46.
Result: The D-class appeared confused and repeatedly asked what was supposed to happen. Subject was then dismissed.

Test Log 043-J 1.3
Procedure: Two (2) male D-class personnel enter Combat Training Room 46.
Result: As expected, the D-class personnel initiated an intense duel exactly 6.88 seconds after observing the SCP-043-J instances.
The female guard on duty was instructed via earpiece to allow the fight to continue for observation. However, after a few moments, she realized that the security room was primarily staffed by male personnel—who were likely just enjoying the spectacle.
Taking initiative, the guard immediately stopped the duel, forcefully removed the present D-class, and returned the SCP-043-J instances to their designated positions.
She was later commended by Site Command for "Exemplary defiance of an unreasonable command."
The security team responsible for the order was reprimanded.

Test Log 043-J 1.4
Procedure: Two (2) female D-class personnel enter Combat Training Room 46.
Result: Both subjects began discussing some boring shit unrelated topics, prompting the research team to end the test.

Test Log 043-J 1.5
Procedure: Two (2) D-class personnel, one (1) female and one (1) male, enter Combat Training Room 46.
Result: The male D-class immediately approached SCP-043-J, hesitating only to decide which instance to take. The female D-class, confused by his confident behavior, asked if he had any idea what they were supposed to do.
Without hesitation, the male D-class made a single motion-holding SCP-043-J-2 by the tip of its "blade" and offering it to the female D-class.
Visually confused, she hesitantly grabbed the stick, only to be immediately attacked by the male D-class, who shouted, with deep french accent, "En garde!⁴.
The female D-class stumbled backward, shocked, before throwing SCP-043-J-2 at the male D-class and yelling "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??!"
The male D-class froze for a moment, glancing between his stick and the other stick. He then sighed and stated, "Uh, fuck it. You ruined it." before neatly placing both SCP-043-J instances back on the table.

+ Incident 043-J-1

Incident 043-J-1: Attempted theft of SCP-043-J-1.

On 06/10/2007, five (5) days after SCP-043-J's discovery, a selfish bastard guard that was assigned to guard Combat Training Room 46 attempted to steal one of the SCP-043-J instances for himself.
At 0037 hours, the security room witnessed the guard entering the room and lifting SCP-043-J-1. He then proceeded to exit the room after "sheathing" it in his belt loop.
An alarm was immediately set across the site, and O5-1 (who happened to be on-site and pass by) witnessed the guard exiting Combat Training Room 46, wielding SCP-043-J-1.
O5-1 threw his coffee cup aside and ran towards the escaping guard with unprecedented hatred in his eyes, ''You selfish son of a bitch'' he mumbled just before he kicked the guard's back, sending him to the floor and releasing SCP-043-J-1 from his grip.
The guard was then detained and demoted to a D-class level.
O5-1 personally requested for him to be "In the next femur crushing session when there's a containment breach by 'the old dude' ".

+ Addendum 043-J-1

Addendum 043-J-2: Transcript of a recording from the permissioned entry of Researcher Nathan and Agent George.

Researcher Nathan and Agent George were observed engaging in combat with the two SCP-043-J instances, enthusiastically reenacting famous sword fights from the Star Wars films.

Researcher N. : I am your father!
Agent G. : Nooooooooooooo!!!

Agent G. : Join the dark side, we have union regulated breaks.
Researcher N. : Fair claim, but I'd rather stay self-employed! (Researcher Nathan appears to rethink his life for a moment)

Researcher N. : I hate sand.
Agent G. : What? Wait a second this isn't a fighting scene.
Researcher N. : Uhhh… fuck.

Agent G. : (Standing on the table which the SCP-043-J instances are usually put on) It's over Nathan! I have the high ground!
Researcher N. : (Kicks the table, both Agent G and the table fall back. Agent G is taken to receive immediate medical assistance.)

+ Addendum 043-J-2

Addendum SCP-043-J-3: SCP-076-2's expert inspection of SCP-043-J instances. Able vs The Administrator

SCP-076-2 (which will be referred to as 'Able' for the rest of the document) equipped with two (2) giant battle axes and escorted by two (2) troops of MTF unit Zeta-69 (''Able's asskissers''), is presented to SCP-043-J.
Able immediately throws away the battle axes as if they were never of importance to him, and grabs SCP-043-J-1 while claiming: ''This is fucking awesome!''
Before Able had a chance to examine the weapon any further, The Administrator enters the chamber and declares: ''It's time to end this once and for all, don't you think, Able?''
Able then grins with the shining smile of a warrior who knows they're about to enter into legend.
''Hell yeah!'' He tosses the second SCP-043-J towards The Administrator, who barely manages to catch it.
The security room monitoring the chamber is evacuated by direct command of O5-4, and the entire O5 council enters the security room to watch the following battle.
Able and The Administrator clash with such intensity and ferociousness, that it is nearly unbelievable the sticks didn't shatter.
After 38 hours of constant dueling, it was declared as a draw by the two (2) MTF Zeta-69 troops that watched the entire fight. When questioned later, they claimed that they wanted to declare Able as the winner, but were "Too afraid of The Administrator sending their asses to 682 testing" to do so.
The full recording of the battle is currently classified under Level 05/043-J clearance.

Note: I think that this is actually non-anomalous at all. This just seems like the normal male reaction for witnessing two sticks.
I propose changing it to ''Explained''.
-Junior Researcher Gale

Note: Shut up Gale, this is why no one likes you.
-Senior Researcher Cornelius.

Footnotes

1. Following incident 043-J-1, all entrants are required to clear entry with the on-duty guard.

2. Testing has shown that subjects who have prior experience are more likely to win.

3. You know, from the cafeteria staff

4. Subject is neither from france nor does he speak french