RealSurrealSir's Author page

rating: +26+x

Me and my totally real lady-friend, tending our magical mushroom garden with our beloved pet, Manwhoiswearingahat.

Hello! I'm RealSurrealSir. Welcome to my author page(let)! Go ahead and check out all several of my articles:


SCP-6094 - How to Spell Lorem Ipsum

Style: Dark Humor

"Yep! Honestly it's been a fun couple weeks for the most part. You haven't lived until you watch a possum piss on a businessman's laptop in Starbucks while a raccoon pulls out the guy's wallet as he's too angrily distracted to notice."

SCP-5496 - Site-43 Suggestion Box

Style: Dark Humor/absurdism

"All site employees are to read this file in full at least once, and to be proactively apprised of any significant updates as necessary. Additionally, monthly weekly reminders are to be given to all Site-43 staff that any complaints, issues, or suggestions relating to perceived issues with some aspect of their workplace environment are to be directed through the appropriate channels via Hiring and Regulation; and that there is not now, nor has there ever been, any sort of officially sanctioned Site-43 “Suggestion Box.”"

SCP-6566 - Build-a-Boar Workshop

Style: Banal Horror/horror comedy.

"SCP-6566-2: So first off, did you guys happen to bring your own ritual daggers?

Stacy: …I’m sorry, wh—

SCP-6566-1: That’s Ok, we should have a couple that the kiddos can borrow. (shouting) HEY KING? CAN YOU GRAB A COUPLE DAGGERS?

A door in the back opens, and SCP-6566-3 walks out holding an ornately crafted dagger in each hand. Agonized screaming can be clearly heard from behind the door, though no one present remarks or noticeably reacts to this."

SCP-4728 - God of THIS sea, at least…

Style: Humor, character piece

Henson: What, did you think that thing might actually be a god? It’s just a big salamander. Salamanders don’t even live in the ocean…

SCP-4728-1: Oh I’m sorry, are your own gods native to your own environs? Did you share a midwife with your deity perhaps, growing up so close to them?

SCP-6850 - Feisty Fireball

Style: Humor, character piece

"H.R. Weigl: No SCP-6850, I haven’t seen the show “Avatar: Last of Airbenders, people who totally had coming,” and so I can’t tell you why “Everyone so mean to Fire Nation” as I believe you so elegantly put it.

SCP-6850: Just is baffling to me.

H.R. Weigl: What I CAN tell you is that you won’t get to find out either if you don’t focus, because I gave you your TV privileges but can just as easily take them away.

SCP-6850: Is just… Why don’t other element peoples just accept their superiors as rightful leaders and be happy for opportunity?"

Tales and GoI Formats

TALE: Must one gumball machine put out every fire?

“ME EXCUSE, IS THIS HOW ALWAYS TREAT IMPORTANT SCIENCERS MID-RESEARCH-DOINGS?,” an angry SCP-6850 began shouting at the attendant agents, as they worked to move the unruly orb into a full heat-resistant mobile containment unit.

“Oh no. Darn. There must be some mistake. What is happening. Wait here, little buddy, I'll go get help.” SCP-5595 deadpanned as it turned and began rolling away back to the Accounting Department main office…

PARAWATCH TALE: Street Light Interference
Recently Rewritten!

Style: conspiracy, paranormal mystery

It's still nsane to me to imagine my cantankerous yet cartoonishly dull asshole of a father (Rest in Peace Dad, love you) dropping us off at school after torturing us with Christan Rock on the radio or rants about the "God-hatin' Commies" only to then going to work and adminster everything from experimental drugs to fucking esoteric metaphysical procedures taken straighy from random ancient Eastern philosophical and/or holy texts to people, just to see of they can sense the grapes in the other room or make the lights flash on and off in Morse code with their mind…

GOI FORMAT (Black Queen): Grabnoks, the destroyers

Pretty well-traveled at this point, with lots of phobias and some hardcore PTSD from a few really unpleasant trips.
Like what?
Oh you know, escapades like the planet of Megaspiders, the voidlands of bellowing discord, that Tartarean prison colony in J-616, and so on.
Sage also tried to use his as a ritual sacrifice once.
I didn't know who he was!

NOTE: I did enter SCP-7000 contest, but elected to pull the entry just before assignment of slots, as I'd like to rework it from the ground up. Big thanks to all the feedback I received! more than on any other article easily, and I'm honestly kind of encouraged by how similar the overall-positive/upvote and overall-negative/downvote comments were, because it shows clear consensus as to what worked and what didn't for much of the article. If you'd still like to read it, I'm putting it in a sandbox, along with the also self-deleted SCP-6460 ("Harvester's Labyrinth") which it was retroactively related to.

Point is, both are gone at the moment, but the basic storylines will be back in some form, hopefully relatively soon.

If youre realy curious, I'm preserving original in sandbox link here.


Why the theme, are you super into cogwork orthodoxy or something?
Not really; I like it as much as the next luddite cult, don't get me wrong, but I mainly just really like this theme.

Did you mean to adjust the main title but leave the secondary the same?
No, I tried to change both but only one took. (Currently seeking more knowledgeable person to tell me how to fix it…)

Do you write elsewhere?
Great question, hypothetical fellow human! Yes(-ish) I also write short horror stories on reddit, mainly /nosleep, and I also have a grand total of one (1) story over at the Wanderers Library Same Username; haven't put out anything there in a minute, but plan to return soon to some extent.

Do you have a real name?
Yep! Next question.

How did you get into the SCP Universe?
Accidentally, as with most good things in this world. I was watching a Youtube video on some thought experiment,2 and the guy explained the concept of an infohazard. I thought that was really neat, so I of course went and read the Wikipedia page on "infohazard,"3 which mentioned its use in this thing called the SCP Foundation universe. Guess where I went next?

What's your top 5 SCPs?
I'll do you one two better, and list my favorite from each series because why not! Ok, so:

S1: SCP-970
S2: SCP-1312
S3: SCP-2602, which used to be a library
S4: SCP-3456
S5: SCP-4903
S6: SCP-5000
S7: SCP-6688
S8: SCP-7160

NOTE: It was recently pointed out to me that linking fave articles in author page might result in confusion or lack of clarity to any casual viewers of backlinks. I'm removing links as a result, but still highly encourage any visitors here to check out those awesome SCPs (literally just replace the SCP-xxxx to the last part of any other SCPs URL, if interested).

Has anyone actually asked any of these yet?
Not a one! next question.

Wait, so why are you doing it like this then?

And that's all the time we have for now, folks! Stay tuned for more.

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