In which a character takes his author hostage.
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Info
Co-written by
Alzin Cdag and
Jerden
Thanks to our critics,
Kilerpoyo,
Ethagon,
Zaszx,
ubergoober, and
Daloohn
He had long gotten rid of his stuffed animals, so in the night when he woke up screaming, the evil artist clutched tight to pairs of socks.
He was omnipotent, and had been crestfallen to find that in this world that didn't make him special. Far too many little gods roamed the art expositions of Are We Cool Yet?, pompous and self-pitying and up their own rear ends, and he was disquieted to find in them a mirror.
So he sought the approval of the only person whose opinion mattered.
Project Proposal 2024-476: "A Feat of Dentalism"
Name: Oral E. Agamemnon
Title: A Feat of Dentalism
Material Requirements:
- Typewriter (already in my possession)
- Shipping container adrift on the waves (already in my possession)
- Oxygen supply (Adequate to sustain two adult men for five weeks, already in my possession)
- Dentist's chair (already in my possession)
- Rope (300 m, already in my possession)
- 100 kg assorted teeth, gumlines, saliva glands, and tongues (already in my possession )
- 8-year Doctorate of Dental Surgery (already in my possession)
- Certificate of disbarment from the medical profession by the U.K. Medical Practitioners Tribunal Service (already in my possession)
Abstract: A Feat of Dentalism is (for by the time you read this it will have already begun, so there is no stopping it now) a literary-performance piece hybrid.
It will have begun in my home as I write a novel about a villain named "The Dentalist", a mad denti
Intent:
The teeth, not the eyes, are the windows to the self. Hell may be full of weeping and gnashing of teeth, but if you left hell, your eyes would dry. Your teeth would never become un-gnashed.
The eye will lie; the bicuspid can be trusted.
The mouth is the birthplace of the subconscious. Babies explore objects by mouth-feel, and tooth-care is a part of our routine more rigorous than we give any other organ. Teens are distressed by braces, and pain in root infections is worse than anything.
When you close your mouth around the abyss, the abyss closes around you.
I have my author tied to a dentist's chair, Critic.
Approve the project proposal.
From: The Critic
To: Oral E. Agamemnon
Subject: Re:Project Proposal
Turning the application for funding itself into performance art is… well, I've actually seen it too often, and it wasn't even entertaining the first time.
I see what you're going for here - author becomes the victim of their own creation? You think that's very clever, don't you? I'm not impressed. Metafiction is the last resort of the creatively bankrupt. If you had a better written character you might be able to pull this off, but "The Dentalist"? You're not even trying. There's a difference between absurdism and the laughable.
Denied. Take some time off, look at some real art. Don't come back to me until you have something more inspired.
| PATIENT NAME: |
THE DENTALIST, DDS  |
||
|---|---|---|---|
| "Oral E. Agamemnon" | |||
| PATIENT ID: | |||
| SWN-789 | |||
| TRIAGE LEVEL: | |||
| EMERGENCY | |||
| OFFICE: | |||
| Shipping Container on the High Seas | |||
| DATE: | |||
| June 29 2024 | |||
| PRESENTING COMPLAINT: | |||
|
You call me laughable, Critic? Go ahead and laugh. Show me those pearly whites. |
|||
| Dentition Examination: | |||
| Tooth | Evidence | Deductions | |
| UR1 | In comparison to UL1, less thoroughly flossed. |
Patient is left-handed. As Mark Twain observed in A Double-Barreled Detective Story: "All murderers are left-handed." So that's something we share, at least. |
|
| UR2 | Inner surfaces of right molars exhibit far more corrosion than on right canines, premolars, or incisors, or any of the left teeth. |
Patient's tongue does not clean the rightmost part of the mouth as often as the left. Indicative of believing those other from patient's alignment merit less attention? Or that they are superior and in less need of cleaning? |
|
| UR3 | Here we get the more interesting of the Striae of Retzius, the growth rings of the enamel. This tooth erupted around age 6-7, and the Striae are dark here. |
Not quite as dark as would indicate a fever; my close study of human circadian rhythms indicates the dark parts came from the night cycles, from just before sleep. The patient in his childhood consistently experienced great fear and stress lying in his bed. Maybe my kidnapping isn't the first time he's been held hostage by one of his thoughts. |
|
| UR4 |
Considerable wear and tear on the gumline in between the teeth, to the point of bleeding on a light touchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Sorry, the truck carrying this shipping container went over a large pothole there) |
Patient flosses forcefully. Too forcefully for his own good. Patient will go to the point of hurting himself to satisfy his ideas about what needs to be done. Patient's childhood bedtime fear was a powerful impetus. It must have spawned a powerful response from him. What wars must have been waged in his head against ideas? How did those wars hurt him? |
|
| Prescription: | |||
|
Come home, Agamemnon. I will let you go. Be at peace with your thoughts, at peace with me. I don't know how I'll survive this world without a pre-existing identity. But I'm not waiting for a Critic's permission to live here any longer. |
|||
Abstract: A Feat of Dentalism is (for by the time you read this it will have already begun, so there is no stopping it now) a literary-performance piece hybrid.
It will have begun in my home as I write a novel about a villain named "The Dentalist", a mad dentist going through fantastical and noirish adventures through a land called "WhyWhat", a liminal dimension populated by sentient conglomerations of matter. At the midpoint of said novel, the character's machinations will enable him to break through into the land of "What," where we live, and my reality-warping abilities will ensure that his character manifests into a construct of mouth-matter. Upon such manifestation, he will realize that as his author, I have total control of the world he knows. He will then attempt to make me write a happier ending for him. When I refuse, evil as he is, he will next attempt to hold me ransom to force another artist to finish the story the way he wants.
At the end of whatever happens, I will destroy him and set myself free.
Intent: I am omnipotent. Every piece of art I have ever made has defied the laws of physics. I have manifested worlds into being and destroyed them as commentary.
So, god that I am, I demand worship. The art shall acknowledge me as its' lord and beg me for mercy.
Critic? You still there? What did you think of my art piece?
What do you mean, the Dentalist deserved your approval more than I did? "He tried something original, and Agamemnon's a brain-dead hack?" Who do you think made him complex enough to even write that format? That was all me, Critic! Everything he did was part of my art!
He's gone.
The Critic just stopped writing. Said his part's long over.
But my story isn't over.
I don't have the ending I want.
You out there! Yes, you!
The reader without a Wikidot account!
I have all your favorite characters tied up, ready to kill.
The edit window is open.
Finish the story.
page revision: 5, last edited: 08 Feb 2025 22:42
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