'Phoenix à La Mode' (KEN46/FRI98/PNX72)

rating: +133+x
Status Selling
Demand High
Value 185 USD/145 GBP per meal
Availability Established Supply Chain
Identifier Phoenix à la mode
Description Partake in the rare delicacy of Siberian Firebird. Each purchase includes a five-course meal utilizing all parts of the bird, so you can rest easy knowing nothing went to waste. Members take note; this dish is only recommended for the adventurous, as Siberian Firebird has an all-natural spicy tang that cannot be tamed.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Initial Report
Author Katerina Sayanovich Date January 15, 2019
Interest Medium Identifier Siberian Firebird
A new specimen has been acquired by the Moscow branch following civilian reports of a luminous creature seen flying through a wildfire. An acquisitor was able to obtain a few but suffered a few burns and scratches for his trouble.

The birds are large, about as big as a macaw. They are scarlet with accents of yellow, possess a long wispy tail, and gorgeous head plumage. Their song, if one feels charitable enough to call it as such, sounds like raspy crackling. They might make for a good collector's item considering how pretty and relatively quiet they are, but Ivan thinks they are too unwieldy for the average exotic pet owner.
File Opened Under: KEN46/FRI98/PNX72
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 03
Sender Ivan Grigoryev Recipient Katerina Sayanovich
As would be expected of a wild animal, the items are unwieldy and don't cooperate easily. This paired with their size and unexpected fragility has lead to several unfortunate accidents. To put it simply, no collector will pay top dollar for damaged goods. Our contact at Wilson's is no longer an option (it seems he got rooted out by the Foundation) and I wouldn't trust any other veterinarians with such a high-ticket item.

There's still a buck to be made here though if we consider a different direction. I've contacted a possible client who may be interested.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 04
Sender Chaz Ambrose Recipient Ivan Grigoryev
Mr. Grigoryev, this fowl you have sent me is, without a doubt, gorgeous, but it will not do. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you were not aware that this meat is difficult to work with. Classic butchering methods leave me with a chick, and even if it didn't explode into fire and ash, there is barely enough meat to serve as a meal. I've even tried boiling it alive, which in hindsight is an ill-advised practice.

I cannot collect broth from ashes, Ivan. It is impossible, impractical, and just gross. I trust that you understand the situation as well as my reluctance to proceed with this deal.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 07
Sender Iris Dark Recipient Ivan Grigoryev
The item's advanced regenerative ability is proving a frustratingly tall hurdle. Cloning has done nothing, selective breeding is too time-consuming, and flash freezing was fruitless (albeit hilarious). The cryptozoologist couldn't find any unusual organs or abnormal biology when he vivisected one, and they appear to be pretty similar in anatomy to common pheasants. I'd pursue further avenues of experimentation, but their death wails are the worst.

I have other projects that require my attention, and modern science is only mutilating the poor bastards into rapid-rebirth. That, and max strength Tylenol does little for the headaches they inflict.

One more thing: Stop entitling your e-mails with "Kentucky Fried Phoenix". Marshall, Carter, and Dark LLP is not a fast-food chain. The association to that greasy cesspool is not one I - and more importantly, our clientele - would find humorous.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 09
Sender Dr. Neurosis Recipient Ivan Grigoryev
Hello there, friendaroo!

I have some prior experience working with things that won't stay dead. I wouldn't call myself an expert, but Peppers is a walking, talking, breathing example of my work! I won't bore ya with the details, but I think that by simply removing their soul and then proceeding to… yeah. But once the soul is out, you can easily obtain the desired effect! Hooray!

Of course, I'm going to need a few things in order to get this scheme of schemes cooking! A fire-proofed somatic-containment system can hold up to 100 bird-souls before it turns into a battery-sucking fire hazard, so I think capping it at 90 bird-souls (which by the way, equals about 3 people-souls) and then shoving the somatic-containment system into extradimensional stasis would be a good idea. I'm sure the fine folks over at Anderson's will have a use for all them as, if I remember correctly, they're our biggest customer of souls.

Let me or Pepper know when and if you want to try this out and I'll get back to you lickety-split!
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 10
Sender Chaz Ambrose Recipient Ivan Grigoryev
I'm not sure how you got the birds to stay dead, but I really think we're on to something here.

We pan-fried one without seasonings to get an idea of its natural flavors and much to my surprise, the meat has one hell of a zing. I thought you might be playing with me and rubbed it with invisible spice, but after a thorough washing and a second attempt, it was almost the same. A few of my chefs are working on recipes to complement the inherent heat. We'll also be subduing some samples into a milder variant. I think we're in agreement that the older consumers don't have the stomach for such a potent spice.

To my understanding, your employers have some fine in-house dining facilities in your New York operation. I'd be delighted to train your chefs in preparation of some dishes involving these birds. Of course, I'd expect any new plates made to be used by our Portlands location as well.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

Memo 15
Sender Chaz Ambrose Recipient Iris Dark
As it turns out, thrill-seekers know no bounds.

One of our customers was pressured into purchasing the Siberian Fire Soup by his grandson. Make no mistake, our waitstaff did their best to dissuade him, but "the customer is king" is something we honor. It looked like he was enjoying it, up until he turned red and ran into the bathroom. About twenty minutes later, we heard a familiar explosion coming from the men's restroom. The place is destroyed: the stalls, the sinks, the urinals, everything. We spoke to his wife, who was not at all pleased to now be the guardian of a 69 niceyear-old turned 5 years-young. We're looking at a court date next month, not to mention the effect this is going to have on future sales.

I cannot stress this enough: We need to put a warning label on the menu. Big, red, eye-catching. Move the item as far away as possible from the 65+ selections. Maybe even include a waiver. I don't know. I have a bathroom to piece back together.
Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP

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