The following is a transcription of minutes from the 383rd general meeting of the Coharmonius Pelagic Society. Some details of these minutes may be inaccurate, due to the fact that sound is bubbly and really weird underwater.
Hey everybody, Whitey Bulgefin here. Yeah, hello everybody, hope you enjoyed the long weekend, took their polyps down to the beach and enjoyed the sunshine that kind of thing. Great, that’s great.
Well, I’m going to call this meeting to order. Okay then. So most of you know, probably, that this isn’t like a regular meeting in the order of things, kind of thing. This is like, an emergency meeting, you know? Yeah, so most of you here know Frank, right? Good guy, good guy. Anyways – this was all last week – Frank was swimming along down here, minding his own business, when one of those guys, whaddya call those little two-legged guys that sometimes come down from the beach? Yeah, he swims up to Frank, just as you please, and whaddya think he does?
He fucking punches him, that’s what. Right in the goddamn face.
So like I said, given that this is a – what’s that, Eliot? How’s Frank doing? He’s dead, that’s how he’s doing. I told you he got punched in the goddamn face, didn’t I? You don’t swim away from something like that.
Yeah, the funeral was last week. You didn’t hear? You’re kind of an asshole, Eliot.
Okay. Order, everyone. Please. Order. Obviously, us at the CPS, we’re peaceful-loving types of fish and marine-type-individuals, so we sent some people to investigate Frank’s death. Yeah, we got Seal Team Six. Sent up Shark Team Six too, hahaha, cause it turned out the seals didn’t do so well. Ran right into traffic as soon as they got on shore, took the whole squadron out. Same with… what the hell was it, some kind of whale? Freaky-looking thing, anyways. Offered to help us out, but it turns out whales don’t move so good on land. Yeah, it lay on the beach and kinda, uh, decomposed there for a while before the two-leg suits showed up and hauled it away. Last I heard they were going to stick it in a tank full of acid, all kinds of horrible stuff. Thoughts and prayers, folks.
Anyways, Shark Team Six, they done pretty well, seaple. We got them all bundled up in, you know, winter parkas, kaftans, shawls, you name it. By the time we were all done you could barely recognize there were sharks in there, that kind of thing. We sent ‘em walking all up and down the beachfront, and they got a good couple of leads, lemme tell you. Well, and first of all, nearly everybody in town’s seen these guys walking down to the beach every morning. Swim suits, scuba tanks, and these big-ass boxing gloves.
Yeah, only one casualty from Shark Team Six. And it’s not even a real casualty, but like a fake casualty, you know? Doug went native, that’s the problem. Says he swooned for some local and they’re off to Tallahassee to get married. Doug says he doesn’t know how to tell the guy he’s a shark, though, that’s the problem. Says he gets cold sweats just thinking about it. Well, that’s probably just his skin drying out in the cold, hard light of day.
But Sally and Louise, you know from Shark Team Six, yeah, they tracked down where these guys live. Yeah they did. Big round of applause for Sally and Louise, folks. Clap your fins together if you can. I can’t, because I’m big and cumbersome and millions of years of evolution designed me as an apex predator instead of a nice party guy which, you know, when life gives you lemons and all that kind of stuff. But yeah, Sally and Louise, they not only got in the door but took a good look around, and Sally even got offered a janitorial position by the people there. I know, very exciting stuff. This is an exciting career opportunity for her, and I for one, well I just want to say I’m very proud of our hometown girl.
Yeah, it’s like a lab. But like a freaky lab, you know what I’m saying? Sally and Louise, they say they’ve got these rows and rows of like dummy sharks set up, you know, and they go in there with the boxing gloves and it’s just… oh god, it’s horrible. If there’s any parents or nurse sharks in the audience I want you to cover your children’s ears right now, okay? Some of this stuff could scar a young’un, and I just wanna make sure our children grow up in a caring and stress-free environment, you know what I’m saying? Okay?
They punch them. Okay, I’ve said it. Kids, you all okay? Great. Moving on.
Order, everybody. No, I’m getting to that. Order, please. Yeah, obviously we’ve got to prepare some kind of… would it be a countermeasure or a counteroffensive? One or the other, yeah?
No, Eliot, we can’t just bite them. You know what happens if you try to bite one of them boxing two-legs? They punch your fucking teeth out, that’s what. And then how are you gonna bite anything, huh? Didn’t think of that, did ya? No? I thought so.
Okay, so when word got out we were planning something like that, you know, this representative from a pretty big company ended up kinda approaching me, you know, saying that he knew just the stuff we were after and stuff like that. Yeah, you know the company? Marshall, Carter, and… please don’t say it. Thanks. Thank you. Alright Earl, you wanna open up one of those boxes? Yeah, sure, that one’s fine. They’re all the same.
Had to sell the rights to most of the Eastern seaboard for these things, but – no, no, Carl, they’re not just boxing gloves. These are thaumatological and shit. Gloves just fit on hands, right? Well, not these babies. They’re all up and enchanted to fit on anything with a limb – two-leg amputees, eldritch wannabe-boxers, you know, niche market kinda stuff. Well, guess what else the magic recognizes as a limb, folks? That’s right. That’s right. Fins.
Womenshark and gentlefish, octopeople and mollusckind, you know that the Coharmonious Pelagic Society is a peaceful-loving bunch. Live and let live, we say. Live and let live. But that ain’t what’s happening here, is it?
Starting today, the sharks punch back.
