Old Family Recipe
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Old Family Recipe

Investigating the newest batch.

What It Is

The Old Family Recipe is the finest and best white lightning — that is to say, shiney, homebrew, mountain dew, moonshine — in the Union. It's been a recipe in my family for the past few generations, and I'm proud to finally be able to produce it with the Chicago Spirit.

We've spent the past few decades perfecting the Recipe, to make it the best in the world. It's a bit pricey to make all of it, but it certainly pays off in the end. This ain't mortal stuff, but godly. I reckon this stuff is getting close to the stuff that they drink up on high and mighty Olympus. Knock these back with Hercules and Zeus.

Unlike almost all other moonshines that are being circulated these days, the Recipe actually tastes good. It's got a rich flavor, and you can barely taste any of the booze. But don't mistake that for nothing — we've just managed to mask the taste real good. This stuff will knock you on your feet in just a few sips.

See, I'd been making the Family Recipe by myself for a few years, ever since back when my daddy taught me how. Back then, it was just a little side industry for me — weren't easy to acquire all of the stuff that was necessary to make it, and I was only able to do so every once in a blue moon. But then the Chicago Spirit came along, and they can make every night a blue moon.

From what I hear, this is the most popular of the boozes they sell. Sells for the most, and always sells out. I'm happy to hear that — I'm proud to serve my country.

Where I Make It

Part of the recipe calls for doing it all on the old family farm, down in south Illinois. I don't do much farming these days (Got a much more profitable source of income, don't I?), but we've been working there for the past few decades and I doubt I could make the taste anywhere else in the world. It's hard to tell what exactly goes into the ritual, you know?

In any case, the bosses of the Spirit have asked that I keep things on the low. No need to go around telling everybody exactly which and what farm I've been working on. Don't want Capone or any of his cronies paying me a visit and taking the hooch — although it's doubtful they'd be able to make it themselves.

What you need to know is that there's a nice little shed in Centralia where you should leave any of the ingredients if it comes on you to get any. That's all you need to know.

How I Make It

Now, now, now. Do you think I'd actually give you the Recipe itself? Only me and a few of the bosses of the Spirit — Leggy, Wheels, Sawteeth — are privy to the actual recipe itself. It's been a closely guarded secret of my family since we first made it, and I don't plan on giving away any of the real important stuff about how we make it.

The important thing for you to know is that it isn't just made out of normal ingredients and materials. There's a lot that goes into it, and we only use the finest and rarest ingredients to make it. Stuff that you don't tend to come by often.

That's why I need the Chicago Spirit's help, and that's why you're reading this little document. I need a little help to get all the pieces together. See, there's a bit of a ritual to making the Recipe, and I'm not just giving the old lady definition there. A bit of magic and a little working.

Here's a little bit of what I need, that I need the Spirit to help me get:

  • Purified water, blessed by somebody of a god that works miracles. The Chicago Spirit has a few unholy priests on their payroll, but it's a bit hard to get your local pastor to bless a few gallons of water.
  • Corn. Crushed up in a mill that's seen bloodshed. Used to be one near me, but it shut down a a few years back. If you can't find one, make your own.
  • Sugar, preferably foreign. I've always gotten the best stuff when I go international, the stuff from Hawaii just doesn't do it.
  • Barley, harvested at night. Has to be at night or else it just don't taste right.
  • The fires have to burn hotter than anything else in the world. I've had my old sources in the past, but the Spirit has been supplying me with these Factory coals lately, and those do the trick nice and fine.
  • Ground cashews, as fresh as possible. I'd like it if you ground it up for me before delivery, make things a bit easier for me.
  • Eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog. All standard ritual ingredients, just helps it all hew together.
  • Candles. Lots of candles. Drop off a crate with every delivery.

I'll know if you lie to me about any of this. And so will the customers — the moonshine will give it away.


A note from the desk of Charles Derringer:

I ended up having to stop by the production of the Old Family Recipe recipe yesterday. The usual guy we employ to collect the blessed water that Dalton demands came down with an unfortunate and terminal case of treason and had to take a nap with the fishes. Since I was the one who tucked him into bed, came down to me to get the stuff.

Our usual unholy priest was out, so I had to run down Chicago to find somebody to bless the water. Ended up bribing one of those Hytoth weirdos to do the job, but I got it done in time and headed down to Centralia.

Dalton was waiting for me when I arrived, and I handed over the water. Told him who I was and asked if he could show me the recipe, since he'd done so for Sawteeth. Might as well give the actual mage a look. He kindly obliged.


Turns out the ritual's all bunk.

None of the materials benefited from their esoteric properties, and all of the ritual stuff — the Shakespeare shit and candles, all the timing he had down to a T — doesn't do shit. He was just waving his arms, sparking mana and not doing jack with it. Half the shit we gave him didn't even touch the moonshine.

He just made a real good white lightning recipe, is all. Didn't need magic or a Carroll to do it.

I stopped him in the middle and told him. Couldn't watch anymore — it was just embarassing. He was real shocked, argued with me a little before I explained what he was doing. His eyes nearly bulged out of his skull.

No punishment necessary. He wasn't trying to fuck us over, just an idiot who doesn't know how magic works. Keep giving him the sugar and Factory coal: that's cheap enough for us to get ahold of and seemed important to the recipe.

Because at the end of the day, it's still the best damn moonshine in the world.

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