Researcher Calvin's Personnel File
rating: +84+x


This is not a picture of Researcher Calvin.


Researcher Calvin after covering himself in oil.


The following is a list of SCP files that Researcher Calvin has written. Researcher Calvin has granted other personnel permission to link to these reports in the process of writing their own.

SCP-2785 - Self Replicating Automaton - Rating: +227
Wait! You have yet to see the magic of long division!

SCP-3747 - Death by Vacuum - Rating: +146
That's all I needed to hear.

SCP-3095 - Bird is the Word - Rating: +320
SCP-3095-1 were first discovered in New York City, after an organized group made up of pigeons attempted to claim the Statue of Liberty for themselves.

SCP-3733 - Everybody Else - Rating: +338
Could you please elaborate on "everybody else?"

SCP-3833 - Welcome to the Top of the Mountain - Rating: +85
It's not the storm, it's the mountain. The mountain hates.

SCP-3248 - Who Shot Sulley? (JamCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +56
His cadaver was later found in a nearby river. Cause of death could not be determined.

SCP-3485 - Omega Messier - Rating: +99
Aside from these modifications, SCP-3485 has the same systems as a non-anomalous lobster, although scaled up by several magnitudes.

SCP-3296 - The Drifter (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +111
god is dead and birds killed him

SCP-3362 - A Forced Self-Insert (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +170
However, it is believed that this event had implications that are not within the grasp of the current Foundation.

SCP-4800 - Midnight (4k Contest 2018 Entry) - Rating: +264
What can you tell us, about, well, what's happening out there?

SCP-4799 - Mariachi's Merchants - Rating: +106
We're tech smugglers. Like I said, there's a lot of different universes out there, not just this backwater hole-in-the-ground.

SCP-4048 - We need to talk about your forklift certification - Rating: +194
All it did was ask me a bunch 'a' weird questions about my job. Stuff like "when was the last time you went uphill on a diagonal", or "have you ever moved your forklift when it's in gear".

SCP-4948 - Behind Ajar Doors - Rating: +145
Attempts to remove these doors from the chamber have failed. The chamber has since been filled with concrete.

SCP-4148 - Space Ladybugs (Bright's 1st Challenge Entry) - Rating: +80
This was met with an erratic period of activity from SCP-4148-1 presumed to be celebration.

SCP-4248 - Alphabet and Omega - Rating: +148
Convince me otherwise, but I don't think God has two wings or caws.

SCP-4348 - dado borger and france fry - Rating: +222
dado beat out competition by give dado borger and france fry before other competitors by deliver burger faster. No more fast than in the past. You already trust dado.

SCP-4785 - Infohazardous Cabinet - Rating: +161
You know what, it may seem crazy, but I just noticed something. There's a door now, with a red circle on it, and it wasn't in the room before, but now it is now. It's humming a bit, and I hear voices behind it. They're yelling at me. I'll check it out.

SCP-4480 - The Snake Doctor (ClicheCon 2019 Entry) - Rating: +58 - Documentation filed with the assistance of Dr. Harmony
Let's not be rude. They've been very hospitable for our every need.

SCP-3748 - Bowl of Flies - Rating: +84 - Documentation filed with the assistance of Dr. Westrin
Uh… no. No. Probably was still a loser though.

SCP-4808 - Spontaneous Dog Manifestation (JamCon 2019 Entry) - Rating: +94
If my entire life is a joke, it's not even a good fucking joke.

SCP-4804 - The Pulp is Fictional (JamCon 2019 Entry) - Rating: +257
In cases where subjects begin to believe oranges are works of fiction… they will actively deny the existence of oranges, citing beliefs such as the belief that oranges are simply a variant of apples, oranges being a government conspiracy, and not being able to perceive any orange-related products at all.

SCP-001 - The Sky above the Port (JamCon 2019 Entry) - Rating: +514
[King/Prince/loved one], it is time for you to wake up.

SCP-4688 - Manipulative Bike Helmets (CollabCon 2019 Entry) - Rating: +179 - Documentation filed with the assistance of Dr. Mew
those helmets have been really cool with helping get my friends to get me more friends, but sometimes these friends complain i was hoping as the little genius you were you had something else to help like another toy? :)

SCP-4397 - Medila's Altar - Rating: +31
Wow, Danny, you were actually right.

SCP-4872 - Flashback Bug - Rating: +60
Could you please tell me what you dreamed about?

SCP-5800 - The Fifth Gate (5k Contest 2020 Entry) - Rating: +140 - Documentation filed with the assistance of Dr. MacWarren.
What, you thought we could just lock the DOOR and throw away the KEY?

SCP-5981 - Nuke City - Rating: +96
This episode was met with general acclaim, and internet searches for "Nuke City" increased by over 5000% after the episode aired.

SCP-5054 - Mr. P (Corpsecon Entry) - Rating: +75 - Documentation filed with the assistance of J1-13
After some time, we had an epiphany. Do specimens of Eldritch— the ones we know about— look like octopuses? No. But, by accident, we've spread propaganda saying that they do.

SCP-5483 - Seafloor Cataloguing Procedures - Rating: +40 - Documentation filed with the assistance of Isaiah Howard Pickman
I've checked the measurements, the trench has grown by about a centimeter since we've come down here. In geological terms, that's massive.

SCP-5025 - How I Became a Martyr - Rating: +61
You don't understand. There's a little bit of context here.

SCP-5680 - The Bird Factory - Rating: +60
Hey, paint me a picture. This is what the man upstairs wants in the loop, right?

SCP-6785 - Remnants of a War Long Gone - Rating: +26
It's funny, I can't even remember. What did we fight that bloody war over?

SCP-7676 - The Grand Symphony of 1976 (7k Contest 2022 Entry) - Rating: +312
It was like he was turned inside out. His tongue was yanked out of his mouth, and his new skin came out with it.

SCP-7234 - G is for Grease - Rating: +64
What, why? Did you cause all of this? Did you?

The following is a list of SCP files Researcher Calvin has proofread:

SCP-3339 - Randall the Clown's Wacky Broadway Theatre - Rating: +161 - Originally filed by Agent the_Brunothe_Bruno
This place used to attract kids by the hundreds. Every time I performed, I could count on an entire crowd cheering on my handiwork here, appreciating the show.

SCP-199 - Spy Ferns - Rating: +97 - Originally filed by Mr. Flames and Dr. Elliott
The task force attempted to use fire to destroy these plants; however, SCP-199 reacted with the fire and exploded into acidic green slime, injuring five Foundation agents.

SCP-1037 - Rotbolt - Rating: +58 - Originally filed by Researcher carbonCorecarbonCore
Following quarantine, the infected areas were destroyed through the use of explosives. However, the wreckage of the site began converting the surrounding Earth to SCP-1037-material. At the discretion of Director Moose, gasoline and fire were used to destroy the wreckage, as it proved to be flammable.

SCP-1684 - Viral Realty - Rating: +51 - Originally filed by [DATA LOST]
What the hell? I fired you a year ago. Is this some kind of joke?

The following is a list of SCP files Researcher Calvin wrote while drunk on turnip juice:

SCP-579-J - Microtransactions - Rating: +165

SCP-4800-J - The One True God - Rating: +107
In my dream, I was filling out my Form 1040. SCP-4800 repeatedly tried to force me to understate my income, thus committing tax fraud.

SCP-093-J - Failed Embezzlement Scheme - Rating: +63
You know we'll have to take that out of your paycheck, right?


This is not a picture of Researcher Calvin either (Iapetus The AcausalIapetus The Acausal)


Seriously, where are you getting these photos of Researcher Calvin?


… (TheCassowary does not match any existing user name)


I swear, I only wore booty shorts *once*. (KaraKattKaraKatt)


The following is a list of classified incident reports Researcher Calvin attempted to publish to

The Little Robot that Could - Rating: +285
If SCP-2785 could have, he would have passed out from exhilaration.

Vacation Opportunity (JamCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +41
Are you tired of old, boring beaches? Is the sand getting in between your toes and getting to your head?

The Shape of Water is Humanoid (JamCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +22
The Water Man was about to give his new new friends a great, big hug when a solid chunk of metal flew through his stomach.

Join the Flock (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +147
A third thought arrived that posed the question of whether or not humans were just unwinged birds, and then a fourth, and a fifth, and a sixth, until all that was on Sam's mind was birds.

Tales of the Automaton: The Big Birdocalypse (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +129
SCP-2785 looked over to the seagulls. They wore neat lab coats and looked at him with focused eyes, and had beaks instead of mouths. He tried to imagine one of the seagulls smiling, but his imagination was weak and he couldn't.

Avian Anthology I (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +71 - Documentation filed with the assistance of Lieutenant Flops, Dr. Ayers and Dr. Little
Hoygull let himself taste the dry, dusty air of the battlefield. In front of him, the remaining fifty birds left in the Avian Division held their ground with various types of tripod-mounted grenade launchers, modified to make them easier to use with wings instead of hands.

Avian Anthology II (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +84 - Documentation filed with the assistance of Lieutenant Flops, Dr. Ayers and Dr. Little
T minus 29 seconds…

Your Guard - Rating: +48
Sorry, sport. It's been five fucking long years since that happened, and I still haven't gotten over it. Give me a moment to catch my breath.

Katz and Dogs (Original Character Tournament) - Rating: +52

The Scent of a Toaster (Original Character Tournament) - Rating: +33
They smelled of aggressive mint, intimidation, and of their hatred for the toaster that had just stole their potential feast.

My Empire of Birds (Original Character Tournament) - Rating: +63
"Wait a tallied second," replied the doctor, "if— if I'm you, and you're, well, me, does this mean that, somehow, that old parallel universe theory is correct?"

Into the Beetle Black Yonder (2018 Art Exchange) - Rating: +16
And there I was, piloting my hastily repaired spaceship through the skies, barely functional, through skyscrapers and satellites, all the while being fired at with a manner of assorted energy weapons, gunfire, and missiles. I consider it a miracle that I was able to escape the atmosphere.

Document Recovered from a Parallel Universe - Rating: +53
I have asked the other bakers, and they do not have a better memory than I do. Karen asked me about my gramma, the one who made the muffin recipe, and I actually couldn’t say anything.

Joey Fucknuts Steals The Declaration of Independence - Rating: +50
…but, might I comment, your outfits seems a bit…. flashy.

Eric's Journal (CollabCon 2019 Entry) - Rating: +76 - Documentation filed with the assistance of Dr. Mew
hey journal, why am I so nervous? I feel like somethings wrong

Three Feet Under I - Rating: +21
Rhubarb Forest. Three hundred meters north of the schoolhouse. View of the cliff. Three feet under.

Three Feet Under II - Rating: +20
No, no, no, we're not here to rob you. Why, we're doing quite the opposite! We're conscripting you!

Three Feet Under III - Rating: +19
Diego hadn't even realized he was holding it.

Footage Recovered from a Private Server - Rating: +85
This is the reality that the Foundation fights for. The Foundation has spent twenty years fighting for your children to be poor and our treasuries to be empty.

The Siege of Site-19 - Rating: +121
While I'm here, I'd like to elucidate one of our objectives. We would like to avoid casualties. It takes brains to be employed by the Foundation, and it would be a shame if all those brains were spilled onto the ground.

Moose on the Loose - Rating: +54
Moose was visualizing the file in her head and trying to read the keywords off of it. She wiped some sweat from her brow and tried to focus. If she could just see past the motel door, she could maybe get a hint of what SCP-140-A was trying next.

ADDENDUM 03: im not even trying to be in universe anymore

ADDENDUM 04: Living Will

In the event that I disappear off the face of the planet and I'm unable to approve rewrites/WikiWalk proposals/etc, I have arranged for stormbreathstormbreath to take control of all of my things on the wiki. They have the power to do anything except delete or add any newfangled page formatting to my things.

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