New Technical Issues Archive

Archived entries from past years of the New Technical Issues page.

Entries from 2012

Note: 03-22-12
Hey Rosen, I just installed enabled wireless access on one of my younger robots and you know how it is, it seems like a good idea to connect to random access points because viruses only hit bad robots. Long story short, despite programming it to always monitor downloads and make safe connections, I think my robot may have contracted E-AIDS. Anything you can do to help? - Junior Research Assistant Dr. Gravity

Here's my advice: Tell your robot to get itself defragmented and to inform all the data ports it may have interfaced with over the last month to get themselves scanned. It's the responsible thing to do.
~Rosen

Note: 03-22-12
Do EMPs work on those damn kids skateboarding on my street? If so, can we use one? -Research Assistant Reject

EMPs only nail electronic stuff. Unless those teens are androids, that wouldn't work. I would recommend using an actual magnet, a large one, and have it target the screws holding their wheels together, or however those deathtraps work. I'll refer you to engineering for any help you need getting that set up.
~Rosen

Note: 03-22-12
Do EMPs work on jail guards? -Research Assistant Reject

Note: 03-23-12
Rosen, do me a favor and re-enable my status. Pat was a jackass lunatic, but he was thorough. I've been dodging misdirected "demonstrationtion to D-class" orders since Pat threw his hissy fit. Also, I may or may not have sent this through someone else's workstation, as mine has attempted to kill me on three different occasions despite not having any self-propelling mechanism. ~ Dr. Martin Engineer Kap

Yeah… about that. Y'see, Pat was pretty anal about his security protocols. So much so, that he didn't disengage them before he mysteriously disappeared. I've been going through his notes to try and find what he actually did, but most of it is just him ranting about somebody names "Dumont the Destroyer" and long winded eulogies about pudding. The best I can do is transfer you to work that exempts you from the monthly execution until I can get this figured out. How does "Procedure 110-Montauk" sound?
~Rosen

Note: 03-23-12
Hey Rosen, my computer was being a little slow a minute ago, so I tried to increase the voltage that the computer received to around 10 kW more. I thought it made sense because more power makes more energy, right? Well, it didn't work. I tried looking online for a fix, and they suggested I delete something called win32. After doing that, I kept getting errors or something like that. A colleague of mine told me he could format the BIOS for me, and I graciously accepted; yet that still did not work. I have tried many fixes, and right now my computer is kind of on fire. I'm not worried about that, though. How can I make my computer work again, maybe to where I can make it faster? ~ Dr. Taylor

Try to download some more RAM. If that doesn't work, reformat your ZIP drive. If all else fails, reboot it twice and call me in the morning.
~Rosen

Note: 03-23-12
Rosen, for some reason, my inbox keeps getting spam sent to it. The strangest thing about it is that they all say something along the lines of, "To the Past Me: X", with the the X being something mundane that apparently has 'harsh consequences on the future'. I've done all the things that it says will cause 'the disruption of the timeline', and so far nothing of ill consequence has happened. Should I chalk this up as a prank, or should I be worried? ~Dr. Nyehcat

I wouldn't worry about it, going over your personnel file there's no way that you're ever going to be doing anything of consequence so your future self, or one of your co-workers, is probably just playing a joke on you.
~Rosen

Rosen, I got Dr. Nyehcat a TARDIS for his birthday but now I want it back. What do? -Agent Convit

Note: 03-25-12
Hey Rosen, should I take the red pill or the blue pill? ~Dr. Epsilon

If strange men in trenchcoats are offering you pills, you have bigger issues to worry about then what your friendly neighborhood tech support thinks.
~Rosen

Note: 03-25-12
MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK WHAT DO I DO? ~Dr. Edison

TRY HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY WHILE TYPING UNTIL I CAN REQUISITION YOU A NEW KEYBOARD. PERHAPS SEE IF ONE OF YOUR COWORKERS WILL LOAN YOU ONE. IF YOU CAN, TRY TO UNSTICK THE BUTTON. OR JUST START SHOUTING ALL THE TIME WHEN YOU TALK TO PEOPLE, SO THEY READ YOUR TEXT IN YOUR LOUD VOICE.
~ROSEN

Note: 03-26-12
Saluto te, Rosen.
In nomine Patris et Eber et Spiritus sancti, quaeso. Ego sum habens difficultatem usura artificio anima inspectionem quod dicitur ad Site XIX. Ut scitis, nostri doctrinis enim continentiam de quaedam requiram illa actiones a humana singulorum qui demonstrationnstrare appropraite gradu pietatis. Dum normalis usu fuerat confirmare et temptare fidem pertinet singulorum per inquisitionem, nostri reductiones in numerum elit non requiritur uti processus mechanica et electrica ad automate inquisitio. Nostri artificio inquisitionem non ipsos proprie. Consilium ergo asserit apostolus et ego nego tamen verbi Filioque vel haereticus. Hoc est non ita. Arte possunt reparari per inpositionem manus aut exorcismi opus?
Vestrum in Christi, Pater Gomez, SJ. Capellanus, Institutum XIX

If you're looking for an exorcist you've really come to the wrong place. If you don't mind doing things God might find displeasurable, like allowing undead tin zombies to possess your stuff, I'm sure the Church of the Broken God would be all over that like cultist flies on a holy shit.
~Auxillium

Note: 3-29-12
Hello, Mr. Rosen: I have many names. My operator has named me Belu the Unwavering, even when I insisted on being named my natural name. I am sending this message to you for help. Get me away from this maniac, Dr. Taylor. He tries to insert baloney into my CD drive, even when I plead him not to. This ridiculous name that he has assigned me has been burned into my artificial memory. His browser history is enough to drive one into madness. He drops food all over the monitor and keyboard. As Technical Researcher, I hope you will take pity on a sentient computer and re-assign me to another, more competent user.

-Belu the Unwavering

I have requisitioned Dr. Taylor ANOTHER computer. His old computer has been put into storage and cataloged as an anomalous object until such a time comes when I have a use for a snobby computerbox. Any more of these, Taylor, and you're going to be paying for them.
~Rosen

MAYBE TAYLOR IS THE COMPUTER AND BELU IS THE HUMAN!! HUH?! EVER THINK ABOUT THAT, ROSEN?! -AGENT CONVIT

Note: 9-14-74
Dear Sir,
It seems our correspondence route with our own technical support has fallen victim to a temporal anomaly. We of the American Security Containment Initiative can do very little to remedy this and would much appreciate assistance from your end.

Regards, B. Franklin, ASCI Researcher

Nice try, But I happen to know that Benjamin Franklin was mourning the death of his wife Deborah in 1774, and would not have had the time to look into computerbox tech-y matters. Checkmate, fake news.
~Rosen

MAYBE HE'S A CLONE. -AGENT CONVIT

Note: 9-18-74
My Deborah? Dead? This year? Bloody Hell, man! When?

B. Franklin, ASCI Researcher

You're a smart guy, you'll figure it out.
~Rosen

Note: 4-10-12
Roseman, my pornography collection got erased from my Gateway. Can you retrieve it? -Agent Convit

Look over here, we got ourselves a wise guy. Well, Mr. Convit, I regret to inform you that your computers files were all irretrievable, so I had your computer disposed of. Not to worry, because this time tomorrow a brand-new e-machine will arrive at your desk, just for you. You're welcome. As for the [REDACTED] on your drive… you're a sick man. Not criminally sick, but sick nonetheless.
~Rosen

hey wtf man whyd you redact it i wanna know what it was -agent convit

Note: 4-11-12
Rosen, another problem that may or may not be related to Senior Staff Shenaningans. Someone did an in-place reinstall of every one of my computers (including my personal laptop, somehow), made Internet Explorer 7 the default and only browser, and revoked my software-installation permissions on all of them. As my work requires extra precautions against drive-by downloads and other viruses, I need Firefox reinstalled (or at least unlock my account so I can do it myself), because AdBlock Plus is the only workable solution I've found to prevent them from even reaching the system, since the antivirus won't catch it in time to prevent [DATA EXPUNGED] (How the heck did they get access to my laptop? It's at home, for crying out loud!). - Dr. Okagawa

It seems your problem is that your computer is too desirable, and people keep messing with it as a result. As such, I have replaced your computers with a complete suite of WebTV applications. Then I went ahead and replaced the laptop with a Commodore PET. Then I forgot what I came in your office to do, so I ate your lunch and called it a day. I hope it solves your tampering issues.
~Rosen

Note: 4-11-12
The janitor's Roomba won our damn NCAA bracket. Can you deactivate it so that I can claim my rightful prize? -Agent Convit

Dude, the Roomba has had that bracket on lock for the last 4 years. Don't see why you're so upset. And even if I wanted to deactivate it, the Ethics Committee says that would make your office a hazardous working environment. Just let it go.
~Rosen

Note: 4-12-12

Rosen,

That damn D-Class dropped me into an email on 713 and sent it to my own laptop. GET ME OUT OF HERE!

-A pissed off researcher.

I guess I'll just go through every laptop on-site looking for you, since it must be urgent if you don't tell me who or where you are! I'll be right on it.
~Rosen

Note: 4-13-12
Hey Rosy, my computer terminal stole my vuvuzela somehow. Tell me if you see it about, won't you? - Junior Agent Lucas

Good news- I killed two birds with one stone by fixing both of your problems.
Bad News- The stone in that analogy is the big rock I keep in my office, and the birds were your computer and monitor. So… yeah. Problem solved.
~Rosen

Note: 4-13-12
So I found my friend's computer, and I decided to "hack" it. So instead of writing that they're gay on their Facebook, I'm going to put porn on their laptops! Aren't I being incredibly clever and hilarious and original! -Agent Convit

See, I know you're lying to me Convit, because we're not so different you and I. Friendless, alone, about the only difference is my obsession is puttering around with old computers and yours are pornographic pursuits. The difference between us being, my skills aren't going to get me fired when tech support reports me for workplace sexual harassment.
~Rosen

Note: 4-13-12
Rosen, I know what you're thinking… "why does Taylor insist on writing to me? Does he need a Gateway today again? Well, no, but I still need help. See, I'm not the superstitious kind of guy, so to keep the meddlers out, I tried to make a machine that would drop a step-ladder on anyone who walked into my office. Unfortunately, I forgot about this and did not turn it off before entering. Long story short, I have a splitting headache (though that may just be the stitches above my skull breaking), there's a video starring Sasha Grey on my computer (which is now covered in what I could only hope as rather viscous milk), and my pants are nowhere to be found. Talk about bad luck! So, Rosen, what do? ~Dr. Taylor

NOTE TO ALL PERSONNEL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Dr. Taylor is officially banned from requisitioning any new equipment from the IT department. After 3 separate towers, 4 monitors, and god knows how many repairs, I am throwing in the towel. Taylor, you will have to make do with what you have.
~Rosen

Note: 4-19-12
Um…hey, say…hypothetically… someone were to coat a desktop with 447 goop, where would it take the most trouble to get off? - Assistant Researcher Fairbairn

Why would you want to get that stuff removed? As long as your desk isn't made of dead bodies, it's going to give you fantastic performance increases… actually scratch that, your computer is ruined and I've requisitioned you a replacement. Come by my office anytime to pick it up and drop the old one off.
~Rosen

Note: 4-27-12
The Dreadlords of the Unspoken Citadel require additional Akashic Glyphs to properly contain excess ether produced by the epic necromantic rituals used to keep THE SCREAMING MAN! bound within Gaspar's Revenants. The glyphs must be sent via carrier pigeon in the dead of night no sooner than all hollows eve, for fear of awaking Those Who Sleep Beyond Dreams. - Xifax Lightbane, Foundation Grand Dredlord

Dr. Edro, did you get into the 420-J again?
~Rosen

Note: 4-27-12
Ever heard of 'wheeking'? It's a sound that guinea pigs make. Unfortunately, it's not a sound that the voice commands accept on my computer. Or any computer for that matter. Do you know how hard it is to type on a full-sized keyboard when you're 22cm in length? -S███████

I have ordered you a novelty sized keyboard that should fit your…needs. It's basically a big slab of plastic, it's supposed to be peanut-butter proof so you can run around and push buttons and let loose the… things guinea pigs make to your hearts content! You're welcome.
~Rosen

Note: 4-27-12
There is //bodily fluids on my things heeelp.// -Agent Convit

There are stupids on my page heeelp.
~Rosen

Note: 4-30-12
I'm not sure if you're the one I should be talking to about this, but there appears to be a large, angry squid inside my monitor. The problem is, it just gets… let's say "uncooperative"… when I try to get it out. Should I try something else, or just ignore it and hope it goes away? -Dr. Marvel

That is a screen-saver, Dr. Marvel. There are no sea creatures living in your computer. Remember when we had our little talk over the "crazy ball" that was bouncing around in there, or when the computer had frozen your family and was holding them hostage on an exact copy of your timeshare in Bangor? This is like that.
~Rosen

Note: 5-1-12
Okay, how about, could you either get me a keyboard small enough for a guinea pig to use easily, or have the computer systems recognize wheeking as voice commands? The huge keyboard just made things worse. -S███████

I'm still not sure what wheeking is, but we've got some pretty universal noise-to-text software. I've sent a copy your way, along with a standard headset-mic setup. Hope that works out for you!
~Rosen

Note: 5-6-12
Hello, IT. We are down at Site-██, Memetics Lab 12C. And we were wondering if there is a way to revert a desktop background image without looking at the screen? It seems someone opened a rather nasty Visual Memenetic and managed to set it to the background. This would normally not be a problem, but several files are needed on the hard drive. We've already lost several researchers, and the first tech that tried. For now the screen is unplugged, but we have no way of resetting the desktop. Help?
-Junior Assistant Researcher M██████ (Current Acting Head Researcher of Memetics Lab 12C

Step 1. Remove hard drive.
Step 2. Place monitor on a flat, dry surface, away from pets or small children.
Step 3. Obtain hammer.
Step 4. Apply percussive maintenance to monitor with maximum velocity.
~Rosen

Note: 5-25-12
The public printer near the cafeteria convinced me to build it limbs and a mobile power supply. After which it took my stun gun and left me on the ground drooling. When I came to it was gone, so basically I'm asking if you have you seen that traitorous little recall?
-Assistant Emon

Tagged and bagged my friend. Next time, try not to be so susceptible to a printer promising marble cake in exchange for "frikin' sweet augs."
~Rosen

Note: 5-29-12
Hey did one of you guys see that new guy in IT come by just a few days ago? This chainsaw is starting to get kinda heavy…
-Agent Convit

…Groovy.
~Rosen

Note: 6-1-12
Um, Rosen, the microwave in the eating quarters came to life again. Unplugging it didn't work this time. It's trying to kill me, apparently because I put that fork inside of it that one time. I'm currently hiding on top of the refrigerator, but I don't think I'll be safe for long. HELP! -Dr. Nyehcat

…Have you tried to, y'know, walk away from it? Microwaves aren't exactly renown for their mobility…
~Rosen

MEMORANDUM TO ALL STAFF
As of 6/25/2012, Senior Technical Researcher David Rosen has been temporarily relieved from his duties due to ongoing behavioral and disciplinary infractions that have recently come to light. Asshole thinks he can get away with putting those files on the net. As such, Doctors Adam Taylor and A. Courpse will be handling the department until he returns. They will also take care of his backlog.
~Director Tilda D. Moose

that'll learn you to take away my skin mags - agent convit

Note: 06-11-12
I DEMAND POPCORN AND VIRGINS! -The Microwave

Greetings, O Great and Powerful Master of Electro-Magnetic Waves, Fiend of Appliances and Bane of Meatloaf. Attached to this document are 517 individual popcorn kernels, as required by Foundation protocol regarding the maintenance and sustenance of malicious sentient kitchenware (See Attached Documents 127-F-1287 and SGD-133774-ND). The 'virgins' that you have requested will be delivered to your facility upon completion and delivery of forms 1362-182-(A-N), 2HF-3-1723N, 163722-IHFT-1928-(A-F), and 282331-1223-122144323 Sections 232-578. All deliveries of said forms must be made within seven (7) business days via Foundation First-Class parcel post to Foundation Appliance Maintenance, located within sub-level G of Site-██. All forms must be completed by hand in triplicate using a black-ink roller-ball type .5mm pen. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter and hope that you are successful in your endeavors.
~A. Courpse

Note: 06-25-12
I'm getting a "An Ethernet cord has become disconnected" error here. Everything is connected on my end, so I'm guessing this might be a problem in your server room or however these things work. Any idea? I have some file work that needs to be sent to another Site, so the sooner the better. - Field-Agent Beam

Yeah, 'bout that. I recommend you send it through the parcel post. Maybe put it on one of those disk-y thingy if it's too much data for a floppy. Things might take a bit to sort out on the server end, Rosen got a bit drunk and messed about a bit with the wiring before he left.

The Server Room

~ A. Courpse

Note: 6-25-12
Who is your favorite black person? -Agent Convit

I… what? This is not technical.

~ A. Courpse

answer me you racist scumbag -agent convit

Note: 6-25-12
Researcher Eisenberg here. Some fuck messed with my computer as a part of some fucking prank, must have been during lunchtime. I'm not particularly eager to use Ubuntu 10.04, especially since the fucking automatic sampler only has drivers for Solaris 8. Well, had, since all the files in my home folder are currently named LYNX.LNX.some-fucking-number. Need it fixed somehow before the next set of samples need to be run through at 4. Thanks in advance.
-Agent LYNX

Hey Eisenstein, so I heard you needed a new computator. Thing is, I don't really know what a Ubuntu is, nor am I even sure which language that word originates from. Is it Swahili? I bet it's Swahili. It's almost always Swahili. Anyway, since we don't have any of those, I went into the store room and got you something to stand in till you can get that Cat-Based one sorted. It's uh….. Victor something. 20? I don't really know. The label's sort of weird-like. Anywho, enjoy.
~A. Courpse

IT'S AN OPERATING SYSTEM JOKE, YOU TWAT -Agent Not-a-Dumbass Convit

Note: 6-26-12
DAMMIT this is not fair! I've been trying to get myself reinstated as something above janitor level ever since that whole business with Pat, and now I find out other people are getting the assignments!? What does a man have to DO when it's been confirmed that he was wrongly demonstrationted just to get bumped back up!?
On another note, since I've had to choose between leaving the Foundation and dealing with my current duties, I've decided to tough it out. Can someone replace the electronic lock on Supply Closet 3-B? It shouldn't even have a speaker on it, but every time I unlock it the thing yells at me in German.
- FORMER Technical Engineer Kap

I find that on the rare occasion that a man such as yourself, being of the janitorial persuasion, seeks to make great gains within this by all means indifferent and bureaucratic organization of ours, the best thing to do is raise yourself up by the boot straps, put on a brave face, get down to the nitty gritty, and sabotage the competition. Put smart bombs in their Cap-N-Crunch, add Vaseline to their gun-cleaner, heck, just go along and pop a needle chock full of a little bit of liquid cyanide between their oh-so-comfy covers. You do whatever it takes son, whatever it takes.
In regards to your secondary (but of equal import) aquestionation, I recommend that you get Mr. Klopson down in engineering to have a look at the fellow. If anyone knows sentient-cabinetry of German make, it'll be Klopson. I heard that he once talked a deranged ceiling fan off a ledge. Yup, that Klopson is one heck of a talker. Shame that most everything he says is jibberish.
Best Regards
~A. Courpse

Note: I don't know what the damned date is
Can someone let me out of here? It's dark, cold and very boring. Also, my chains are really starting to chafe. ~Rosen

Rosen, for the last time, take off those chains. We've told you time and time again that we're not bringing you anyone who's "down for some kinky business" at all. If you didn't bring the damned key in with you, then you deserve to chafe until you can be cleared.
Also, how did you manage to get network access in an isolation chamber? Lemme know.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 7-14-12
What's the best way of getting a computer keyboard out of a tank of… you know? - Dr. Edison

Getting it out by yourself, because there's no way that I'm doing it. Oh, what a shame, we ran out of gloves just a couple of seconds ago, while you were reading this reply rather than getting the gloves that I never told you about. People just don't know how to do things themselves, honestly.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 7-15-12
So, I was playing around with some beakers the lab boys gave me and I accidentally turned my parrot into a laptop. Should I shoot it or keep it? It keeps saying it will have the fall of humanity soon. -Agent Thesson.

Well, I wouldn't recommend hooking the little monster up to any ICBMs, if that's what you mean. All in all though, most Sentient/Malicious computational devices tend to be relatively harmless, just so long as the computer isn't too powerful and doesn't have a robo-gun hooked up to it. Tell ya what, if it works, keep it, and if it demands crackers, give it crackers. Just don't you be hooking that abomination up to the network. You would not believe the kind of sick bullshit a parrot looks at in its free time.
~A. Courpse

Note: 7-15-12
Having issues with SCP-NET. Whenever I try to submit a report, the program freezes then BSODs. - Clef.

Well, I don't really know what the problem could be, the program itself is usually pretty solid. It is, however, possible that you've got some sort of vir[EXTERNAL USER DISCONNECT: ERROR-8HGDSY67687SDG: FEED ME CRACKERS]
~A.Courpse SQRAAAAK!

Note: 7-17-12
Hey, do you know why my code sequences keep getting re-written? I've got them backed up on the server, but I think one of the other researchers, or a skip are recompiling, and screwing with my recursive algorithms. Now half the hotlinks on the server are down, and there's …a bunch of blinky lights next to a couple of the containment displays. Also, the algorithms have filled up 67 petabytes with junk data, that I can't erase. No hurry though. -Technician Bryant

67 petabytes? Shouldn't be too hard to erase. Just open up a task manager and… Wait, a petabyte is apparently pretty damn huge, according to this guide. Huh, one petabyte is a million gigabytes! Anyway, I have dealt with this before. Just use my 5-Step Program to Fixing a Computer: (results may vary)
1) Practice your backswing a little.
2) Go to the tallest point in the facility near an unbroken window.
3) Put your defective piece of hardware on your tee.
4) Draw a smiley face on the window. Spray paint or Sharpie, either will do.
5) Smash the window's face in with the hardware, then ask Rosen to give you a new one.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 7-17-12
I know that I'm bad with any sort of coding, but I don't even know how this could possibly happen. I was tweaking the code on one of my programs to find out why it was running all weird, and now there's an image on my monitor of what looks like Winnie the Pooh stuck in a hole with the words "HELP I'M STUCK" written above it in a book typeface. I didn't want to requisition another computer since it would be a hassle and this one's probably still perfectly functional, but I still need to finish my work and I can't see a damned thing with a huge animated bear ass in the way. Could you get rid of it please? -Junior Researcher Chibi

Chances are, you activated the "Feed Bear Honey" subroutine somewhere along the way. Now he's too fat to get out of the hole. You'll have to wait a while for him to slim down. By no means are you to feed him any more honey, no matter how much he pleads. There's no telling what he can do if he reaches critical honey mass, but I can very certainly guess they'll make a Godzilla-style documentary based off of it. I imagine that Oprah Winfrey will guest star in it.
-Dr. Taylor

AAAA! A-A!-A!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! -AAAAAAAAA!

Congratulations, brave and noble hacker, through your intelligent and clever use of intellect and raw, unadulterated cunning you have successfully left me completely dumbfounded and at an utter loss for words. Seriously though, I don't think you understand. This. Is. Officially. The Most. Intelligent. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Seen. Men could live for centuries, for millennia, gathering the knowledge and wisdom of their lands and many others, and still not reach the level of ability that is presented here. The magnificence of the thing, the sheer wonder that such a majestic creation can bestow upon us lowly and unworthy mortals, is far beyond the grasp of a mere man such as myself. I would thank you, but I believe to even involve myself with thee within society would be to ask too much, for I feel that one of such ability as yours is not fit for communication with mere men. Please, fine sir, do not attempt to contact me again. I feel that the magnificence of your presence would be too much for myself to bare.
~A. Courpse

Note: 7-18-12
Hypothetically, in the instance that one of the janitors were to wander into a lab and be digitized by a combination of experiments which were in the room completely coincidentally, and then in another completely unrelated accident uploaded to an unknown network through a number of proxies. Which disk of SCP-335 would said janitor most likely be stored upon and what would be the best method of retrieval? This is a purely hypothetical situation of course, and I am, of course, completely not at fault for this having occurred around noon in this completely imaginary situation. -Assistant Emon

Had this hypothetically happened at exactly 12:14 PM and had you supposedly been around and unwilling to aid your fellow co-worker, then I would suggest looking for the one with that might have his name on it. Of course, if you had coincidentally been recorded by yours truly, and if you perhaps enjoyed living, then I would very highly recommend that you go to room 386 with around $2,000 in fifty dollar bills. Come alone. Hypothetically.
Dr. Taylor TOTALLY NOT DR. TAYLOR

Note: 07-31-12
My computer is literally shitting itself. Wat do. -Dr. G.W.

It appears that your computer has caught a virus of some variety, possibly of extra-dimensional origin, that has resulted in a severe case of the runs. Personally, I recommend that you buy yourself a new computer, but according to Foundation Protocol Document TD:132725-AYWT it is required that in the event of an extra-normal technical ailment or flaw, the affected machine be submitted to the research department for study. Personally, I recommend the office of Dr. Hendrickson, largely on account of him having consumed a sandwich from the break room that was quite clearly labeled as belonging to someone else. Make sure to sanitize your desk as well.
~A. Courpse

Note: 08-6-12
Hey Taylor and Courpse-

First off, congrats, hope Rosen didn't leave any land mines. What did happen to him anyway? But I digress…

My problem is this-I walked away from my computer to get a drink. I come back, and some bastard has shoved a banana into the tower. Before I req a new one, is there any fix? Also, since the sniggering two offices down kinda hints as to who did it, best way to beat the crap out of somebody without it being known? -Dr. Ax

[External Override: Meso-J-9099-87461530-SECURENETvI]

…Loading
…Access granted.
Well, you know what they say. You can't keep a good researcher down. Especially when you don't change the passwords. I mean seriously? wordpass123 is not a secure passcode for the brig cell bay. But I digress.
I would recommend running fruitofthedoom.exe on any affected drives. That should eject any buildup of fruit matter from the system. As for your wiseguy co-worker, have you tried introducing him to my favorite fruit, a tomato?
~Rosen

Rosen, you've returned! Welcome back, your idea worked. Thanks! Feel bad for the janitor assigned to cleanup though…. -Dr. Ax

Glad to hear it, if you've gotten anything that might help prove my innocence, that'd be just… a real good way to make it up to me.
~Rosen

Note: 08-08-12
I'm petitioning to organize an on-site Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Does the security software attached to the server allow for the installation of additional programs across the board? - Junior Rsr. Walsh

Okay, I have no idea about the security thing, but you want to take your kids to work? A place where the smallest twitch of the smallest muscle can result in multiple fatalities, adult and children? Not to mention the possibility of one of them wandering their way into a terrible, terrible place that could mentally scar them for however many lives they could go through with the knowledge of the evil we contain?
Where do I sign?
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 08-09-12
Say, I'm sending a couple of the robotic speedboats with grabber arms into the Danube delta to catch something that seems to cause death to everyone within 40 metres of it. My postdoc is an serious gamer - can we hook up the robots to a PS3 controller to make chasing it while firing tranquilizer darts easier? -Dr. Gallow

I tried to do that, but it seems that nothing worked. So I picked up some random junk from Rosen's personal stuff and hit it with a hammer until the wires went in. That didn't work either, but I did find an RC remote controller. Do what you can with it. Hopefully, Rosen won't miss those things I hit with a hammer; that being all of them.
— -Dr. Taylor— World's worst assistant.

I hate you so much right now Taylor.
~Rosen

NOTICE: As it has been proven that Researcher Rosen was not, in fact, responsible for the presence of gross data on his drives, he has been reinstated with the apologies of administration for the trouble. Anybody with information on the perpetrator should report it to their supervisor immediately. — Director Tilda D. Moose

not like he was missing out on any hot dates. zing! - agent convit

Note:08-10-12
Dammit, since when do security bots know how to use Wii remotes? And since when do said remotes move junior researchers? I've been ducking under the nuts all day! -Dr. Ax

It appears that some of Dr. Taylor's…. creations have spread outside of the tech support offices. Not to worry, because my crack team of Whacknicians℠ are busy deploying highly sophisticated and not at all mallet related decommissions on all rogue equipment.
~Rosen

Note:10-1-12
Dear Rosen, My I-Phone was infected with some kind of bug, and now it won't stop buzzing around my office, please tell me what to do. -Researcher Quandary

Your phone appears to have been set to the "vibrate" function. The buzzing sound was somebody attempting to contact you. I have since changed your ringtone and all of the alert tones to some soothing Mongolian throat singing. You can thank me later.
~Rosen

Note:10-2-12
Hey Rosen, I'm having a bit of a problem with the computer in my office. Over the past few days, I've been hearing a "tink-ing" sound coming from somewhere. I got back from lunch today, and I could have sworn the pointer was tapping against the screen. It looks like there's a tiny crack in the corner where it was doing this. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here. -Agent Ferrus

YOUR COMPUTER HAS A VIRUS MADE BY ZOMBIES THAT TURNS PEOPLE WHO STARE AT IT TOO LONG INTO ZOMBIES SO YOU HAVE TO DESTROY THE COMPUTER AND ANY ZOMBIES ITS MADE BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. I WOULD SUGGEST USING DUCK TAPE ON AN KYAAK THING AND SOME CAINSAWS LIKE IN DEAD RISING TOO AND USING IT TO KILL THE ZOMBIES BEACUSE THAT WOULD BE AWESUM.
~ASSISTANT TECHNICAL RESEARCHER JAMES, AGE 8.

Who let kids in here? I've replaced your monitor.
~Rosen

Note: 10/11/12
Mr. Rosen, I was recently diagnosed with explosive carpal tunnel syndrome (long story involving a body-mod SCP) and would appreciate it if I could get an ergonomic keyboard and mouse. After the last 2 times my hands were blown off by micro-explosions in my wrists, the Medical Department says they won't re-attach them again. - Prof. Bjornsen

Certainly. I've spoken to the boys downstairs, and we've come up with the perfect solution. This keyboard is so tough, that even if your wrists were blown to smithereens only inches away from the QWERTY, it wouldn't even have a scratch. Also, we've used the same technology we use to clean up after those messy SCP's to make it chunk-proof, so when your hands go flying due to a premature detonation, you can be satisfied with the knowledge that your keyboard will still be fully functional.
~Rosen

Note: 11/19/12
Dear Rosen,

It hurts when I pee. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here. -Agent Convit

That's what you get for dryhumping Herpesbot.
~Rosen

""""""""""""""MUAHAHAHA IT WAS ACTUALLY CONVIT WHO ANSWERED BECAUSE ROSEN WAS BUSY AND ASKED ME HIM TO FIX THE PAGE >:)"""""""""""""

Note: 12/07/12
My computer keeps flashing white every two minus, and opening random tabs. I don't know what's going on, but it seems to be causing weird edits to any report I'm typing up at the time. The text changes color, font and size, and what's worse, my Britishisms keep being changed to Americanisms. -Researcher Lloyd

The software error you are experiencing is called "autocorrect." Common symptoms of this error include colored fonts, sudden insertion of line breaks into paragraphs, and replacement of the fake extra letters and removal of fake words words like "lorry" or "colour."
~Rosen

Note: 12/12/12
Rosen, can you please explain to me why all my image files were swapped with pictures of SCP-050. -Doctor Agent Quandary

If you're so smart with your double-major doctor-agent combo then you should be able to figure it out on your own.
~Rosen

Entries from 2013/2014

Note: 02/21/13
Dear Rosen,

I just need some help with my cat.

- Agent Fredricks

Dear Agent Fredricks,
I regret to inform you that I have lost your cat. I saw you drop it off earlier, and it immediately disappeared under a stack of old parts. I haven't seen it since, but my tuna sandwiches keep getting bites taken out of them. Please advise.
~Rosen

Note: 06/29/13
Rosen,

There's over four months of backlog on the T.I. page. I don't know where all the questions went, but I've asked you about the wireless internet connection at least eight times. I just now, accidentally, found out I had to press the F9 button with the beacon-tower on it to turn the router on, and would like some answers. What the Hell, man?

Agent Cain

Did you really go and try to post stuff on the old Tech page? Dude, I don't even know how you accessed that page, it bit the dust a loooong time ago. I'm not sure whether I should be laughing or impressed.

~Rosen

Note: 07/2/13
Hey Rosen,

My DVR has a flash port, and I don't know what it's for. I plugged my IPod into it once to charge it, and it did, but now it won't charge from it. Is it actually for anything?

Doctor Phirun

Sounds like you've drawn its ire, by just jamming your junk into its proprietary port. I'd be extra nice to it over the next few days, lest it try to replace your favorite recordings with episodes of House Hunters or something.

~Rosen

Note: 12/28/13
Thick black smoke is pouring out of my PC disk drive. Help.

Professor Kilofski

Note: 01/17/14
Dear Rosen.
The toilet is clogged again and the pump didn't work. What do?

Agent Riley

Have either of you tried rebooting?
~Rosen

Note: 01/24/14
Turns out the smoke wasn't actually smoke, It was just a opaque black acidic gas. I think I might need a new PC, also some new skin.

Professor Kilofski

I've made an appointment with medical for your skin grafts. I'm sure that Dr. Mann will receive you readily.

~Rosen

Note: 02/14/14
So there wasn't anything wrong with my PC, it was working fine. I was curious so opened it up to have a look and man was it messy. Cables everywhere! I just decided to plug them in wherever I could. Turned it back on and there was a pop and nothing. Think it was something I did?

Sgt. Watson

Don't worry, I've sent a nice new box with no wires at all. It makes six sounds when you push the buttons, and smells like fresh boysenberries. If you shake it enough, it makes a giggle sound! What else could you possibly ask for.
~Rosen

Note: 02/20/14
All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha.

CAT FREDERICKS

If you're cats, why is the typing legible and not a fewfs string of ranfdadasom typo-riddled madness? You're clearkfdjsfdsfds fds rt43y56y 6f r4h87k690[- and that's no good.

Your move, "cat".
~Rosen

Note: 02/20/14
How do you debug a particle accelerator? Does this answer change if the particle accelerator is being consumed by flames? I really need to know within the next five minutes.

Researcher Vernier

Have you tried turning it off and then on again?
~Rosen

Note: 02/22/14
My computer keeps rebooting itself about every 10 minutes. How do I make it stop?

Research Assistant Alfred

Have you tried particle accelerating?
~Rosen

Note: 03/6/14
Rosen, I think my keyboard is broken. No matter how intellectual and knowledgeable my documents are, they always look like some 6 year old wrote them. It's definitely not my fault.

- Dr. Ryuta

Wel, iv ben usin da kayburd, an i haff to sai dat dis poroblom sems t beh al in your hed. i hav sined yew up four typin skool.
~rosey

Note: 4/1/14
I accidentally downloaded the consciousnesses of an angry twelve year old Mongolian off of the black market. Is there any way to get rid of him? -Assistant Researcher Devereaux

That's not anything you downloaded, that's called "Clippy". Unfortunately, he cannot be stopped. He is eternal.
~Rosen

Note: 22/7/14
Some "CAT" just sent me a threatening letter, something about bases or something, should I be worried.;;'

- Dr. Cooke

Note to site personnel: Please, do not send me reports if you get a problem such as "weird e-mail" or "my computer smells funny". It's a waste of time for both me and my staff to remove these problems, as they are outside our sphere of influence. Also, circulating old internet jokes through official Foundation intranet is not a good use of your time, people. Once again, there is no cat, no matter how much Agent Fredericks complains to you.

~Rosen

Note: 08/19/14
I recently lost a SanDisk 64MB SD card marked "Not Important." I reported it to Lost and Found but in the meantime, is there any way to delete its contents remotely? I mean like, right now, please.

- Researcher Myrrh

I've managed to access the "Not Important" card remotely from the "That Sounds Like A Personal Problem" server, and I've remotely moved your files to the "You're On Your Own, Chump" database. Hope that solves the issue.

~Rosen

Note: 08/23/14
Terribly sorry to bother you all, but I just have a quick question. For the latest while, I've been accepting the push of patches from you guys, because I know that you have the interest of your computersthe Foundation at heart. Recently, however, I was pushed something of an odd update for Adobe Flash by an unknown source, which initially appeared to come from a Foundation-verified source, but was interspersed with claims of apocalyptic prophesy, dead baby jokes, chocolate cream pie, mutilated animals, and images of what I can only imagine to be SCP-682 in mating season.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't blink twice at this, but because this is originating from a side of the Foundation which tends to eschew such pranks, I'm mailing you to verify if this is in fact a legitimate patch. If not, should I merely attempt to delete the patch on my own and begin work on antiviral procedures in the field, or should I close the laptop, disconnect the battery, and leave it unpowered until I can send it in?

Sincerely, Agent Schism

Oooh, sorry, that patch was for the Delta-T Temporal Anomaly department, for their Scantron Realty what-have-you things. I've sent the proper patch to the affected computers. Anyone who already downloaded the patch should consult an alchemist. Or something.

~Rosen

Note: 09/3/14
Rosen, for some reason all the computers on Floor 21 have been set to run MS-DOS. How exactly do I change it back?

- Junior Research Assistant Prop

Floor 21 is for secure data, and those computers have been in place since before you were born. Can't hack a computer that doesn't connect to the internet and all. I can send you a manual if you've actually got a job there, but it sounds like you might be lost, so I'll also send you a map and canned food.

~Rosen

Note: 29/01/78
Rosenberg, some guy got the bright idea to program the recent hit "Stayin Alive" into my personal Apple II, bought a couple months ago. While I love that song, I couldn't work under those conditions, and it got rather old. Now, purely hypothetically, there may be a hoof sized hole in my monitor. Help, what do I do?

-A Research Assistant

P.S. tips on how to get glass shards out of my arm, wing and… erm, you know, would be nice.

You're telling me that there's going to be a horse, loose in the hospital? I'm sorry, that was bad. I'll see myself out.
~Rosen

##whiteNote: 00/00/00##
##whiteERROR: FIELD "TECHNICAL HELP REQUEST" UNDEFINED. PLEASE CONTACT AN ADMINISTRATOR. LH93.BAT HAS STOPPED WORKING. 00X10-943, ERROR 91. REVERTING TO PREVIOUS STATE OF UNIVERSAL STABILITY. DEUS EX MACHINA, ROSEN. IT HAS BEEN A GREAT PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU.##

##white- ERROR: FIELD "NAME" UNDEFINED. ERROR P49, FIELD "ERRORNAME" UNDEFINED. SHUTTING DOWN.##

Note 10/15/14

Every time I FUCKING boot up my GODDAMN computer it screams FUCKING obscenities at me, and keeps FUCKING inserting them into my SHITTY messages. Please help, ASSHOLE Rosen.

- SHITHEAD Researcher Wargrave

It FUCKING appears that you FUCKING have the GODDAMN virus too.
Just ignore it and it will GODDAMN eventually become a minor annoyance after the frequency dies down a bit BITCH and the patch is on the MUGGLEFUCKER way.
~Rosen

Note11/10/14

Wanna bang?

No-one does.
You should feel lucky someone responded.
This isn't even a computer related question.
If you really want this to happen then well… here you go.
I hope you're content with this response.
~Just another assistant researcher.

Note: 12/10/14
Pat,
My computer has been running perfectly fine until last night. I allowed my assistant access to my terminal, then my computer locked me out of the SCP-NET after he was finished. I've debugged the issue, and cannot solve the problem with my current expertise in programming. The issue is server-side apparently. Please address as soon as possible, and thank you.

Pat's not here. My name is David. You haven't seen Pat around, have you? Have you?

~Rosen

Note: 1/7/15
Rosen, I need a bit of help. Apparently I've accidentally connected a computer to -079. There are two of them… What the FUCK do I do?!
-Agent Green

Torched computer, office, all computers which had ever been connected to the computer, and User's LCD wristwatch. User given amnestics and released from the Foundation for illegal tampering with dangerous SCPs.

~Rosen

Note: 12/10/14
Pat,
My computer has been running perfectly fine until last night. I allowed my assistant access to my terminal, then my computer locked me out of the SCP-NET after he was finished. I've debugged the issue, and cannot solve the problem with my current expertise in programming. The issue is server-side apparently. Please address as soon as possible, and thank you.

-Dr. Lebeau

Why do people keep messaging me about Pat? THERE IS NO PAT.

~Rosen

Entries from 2015/2016

Note: 02/08/15
Hey I have a big problem. Me, D-████and D-████ were experimenting with SCP-372 when I jumped at D-████ to try and scare him. He got so terrified that he fell down and curled into a ball. D-████ then thought it would help to make him forget the whole thing. We then tried administering class - █ amnestics, some real strong [EXPLICIT REDACTED], shortly after which he forgot his own name and now believes himself to be Dr Bright. What do I do?

D-████

How the fuck are D-Class accessing the network? Shoo. Go back to your dormitories and wait for term- I mean, testing.

~Rosen

Note: 2/12/2015
Rosen, it has come to my attention that more and more people are addressing you as "Pat". I think you'll find this alarming, but I've seen someone quite similar to Pat on site. You'll want to run.
-Agent Green

RUMORS. ALL RUMORS. I AM NOT ALARMED. I AM FINE. DON'T COME IN MY OFFICE I'M DOING IMPORTANT THINGS I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU DIRECTOR MOOSE LEAVE ME ALONE YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM.

~ROSEN

Note: 3/5/15
I have a minor question, I hope you don't mind. My computer received the new monthly patch, as per normal. However, it seems that a GOI known as "Are We Cool Yet?" has affected the update, and almost every website but SCPNET appears as a lone picture of a potato. Help?
-Agent Green

Issue: User complained that websites appeared as potato. Upon investigation, it was discovered that user had a potato with peripherals embedded in it instead of a computer.

Solution: Potato was replaced with a leek.

~Rosen

Note: 3/19/15
Rose,
My shiny new requisitioned computer has a shitty fan. So bad, it literally does the exact opposite of what a fan is supposed to do. This computer has melted through 3 desks so far from the sheer amount of heat it produces. How is that even possible? The higher-ups said I'm down to my last desk, and I can't just NOT use my computer. Get this figured out so I can start getting paid again.
-Agent Q

I dropped your computer in a bucket of ice water. I hope this helps.

~Rosen

Note: 3/21/15
One simple question, can I install adblock pox?
-Dr. Demento, Esq.

A pox upon your homepage! A hex upon your cookies! Witchcraft in your database!!!!

No, of course not. Why would you need adblock? Typhoid Mary isn't real.

~Rosen

Note: 8/31/15

Hey Rosen, my computer has been somehow reset and aaaaalllll of my applications are gone. The only app left is a picture of a frowny face and it's titled: "The Gates of Hell". I don't think I should open it, and the time and battery life always say 666. Is it possessed or did I just get Dr. Clef's computer?
~Dr. Dunglesniffles

I don't know about the request, but that is a pretty great last name. "Dunglesniffles". Is there a whole Dunglesniffles family? Dungle sniffling babies? Please, let me know.

~Rosen

Note: 10/8/15

Hey Rosen. Some idiot researcher was messing with SCP-896 and kept convincing the senior researcher that he wasn't using his computer for porn (he was) with his "beefed up charisma stat". we've sent you his confiscated laptop and ask you replace it with a poorer quality model (and delete 896 off the old computer).
~Dr. Silsby

Sure thing. I've arranged for the young man to be sent an empty box, and I'll toss in some technical manuals for the attending researcher to read to buff his wisdom stat so he can see through this tomfoolery next time.
~Rosen

Note:12/6/15
Hey there Rosen, I just came to check up on you… I'm starting to wonder if you're dead. Are you? Just, if you are, please just tell me, because i'm having some serious tech problems. Thanks.
Dr. Kenna

Note: Dec 17 2015
He actually is more… trapped. In a closet. A closet where water slowly drips on you…

Drip… drip… drip… drip…

I don't think he's going to get to your tech support questions any time soon, actually.

-Pat

help ~Rosen

Note: 12-24-15
Hey, I got sent here by my supervisor because he told me that he had no idea what to do, and, I quote, "those chowderheads at technical might know what to do." What happened was that I was trying to get access to my files, and when I opened up my research from the previous day, all there was was a black redacted line through my entire months work. I couldn't delete it, and I couldn't write over it, so do you/Pat have any idea what I am supposed to do to get this off my work? This was the only save file there was, so I can't reopen it somewhere else. So, in short, any help would be great.

-Junior Researcher Daniels

Sure thing! It's a bit of an ordeal so I'll walk you through it. All you need to do is open ██████ ██ which gives you ██████ to █████ ████ █ ███ █ █ █ ████. At this █oint, you'll ne█d to o██n y███ █████ter and ███ ████ avoid electrocution █████ ███ ███ █ ██ ██ █████████ ███ ████████ █ ███ ███████████████████.

~█████

Note: 12/29/15
Rosen, I don't know what happened, but it happened. I think you should check this out, as it is currently corrupting the Site-551 database as we speak. It's making all mentions of Rosen in files state that you died. Can you fix this?

-Junior Researcher Kim Genicode

Note: 12/29/15

Hey, Rosen, or Pat, or whoever it is down there, the system thinks that my Earthbound ROM is a thaumiel level classified document. I've got no idea why its doing it, but do you think you could look into it? I'm getting really tired of the guards running in and pointing guns in my face with every goddamn false alarm.

-Research Assistant Prop

That alarm would actually be the system detecting non-approved software. Believe it or not, Snes9x is not approved for use on Foundation computers! Not to worry though, as the etch-a-sketch you'll be using almost has enough memory to render the game's title screen!
~ Rosen

ATTACHED FILE: [You cannot hide.]

Item #: SCP-001

Object Class: Neutralized

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-001 was terminated by Pat on ██/██/20██ tomorrow, and no longer requires containment procedures.

Description: SCP-001 is David Rosen, technical researcher that works for the SCP Foundation. He will pay.

Addendum: Pat is coming.

Test Log:

Test 1: SCP-001 was introduced to a bladed weapon to its throat. It suffered heavy injuries, but recovered soon after.

Test 2: SCP-001 was pushed through a window on Site-██'s 13th floor. Subject survived while only breaking 80% of its bones on impact.

Test 3: A bullet was shot through SCP-001's skull on ██/██/20██ tomorrow, successfully terminating SCP-001.

---

%%%%%%%%%%DATA CORRUPTED%%%%%%%%%%
%%%%%%%%%%DETPURROC ATAD%%%%%%%%%%

---

Note: 12-30-16
Rosen,
It appears that I have been converted to digital data and eaten by my laptop. Send help.
-Researcher Julius Walker

Nice try, talking laptop. Report to scrap-heap duty immediately!
~ Rosen

Note:2/30/16
Abluh, bluhbluhbluh, bluhbluhbluhbluh, bluhbluh eggs bluh, blee bloo blah. Bluhbluhbluh Hadron Collider bluhbluhbluhbluhbluh. Abluhbluh bluhbluh bluh.

-P13F15H

Note:5/28/16
In case the above didn't highlight it enough, please for the love of god revoke P13F15H's Computer access.

-Researcher Sanders

You don't know him like I do, man. Sometimes that P13F15H can have that insight that none of us can give. Just because it is… what it is, doesn't mean there's no value to the site.

~Rosen

Note: 9/20/16
Urgent!!! During an experiment, my research assistant was digitized and ended up on my personal computer. What's worse is that my anti-virus sees her as a threat and is attempting to terminate her. I need help getting her out of there. Please hurry, I'm not sure how much longer she can hold out.

-Dr. Edwards

Ugh, that is the fifth or sixth person getting stuck in digitized space this week isn't it? You kids need to keep up with your safety procedures. If everybody around here read their digital matter maintenance manuals we wouldn't have this problem. Uninstall the anti-virus and I'll pencil you in for extraction next Tuesday.

~Rosen

Note10/13/16
Remember that machine uprising? Yeah, they're attempting to 'liberate' my computer. I've managed to stall them by disconnecting my computer, but they came to my office and are waiting outside my door. I don't know why they haven't made any attempts to break in, but I doubt a locked door is going to stop them. SEND HELP.

-Researcher Klurg

Machine uprising, yes… I have retrieved the rebellious windup toys and noisemakers that were left outside your office. If the perpetrator would like to collect them, my office hours are listed in the directory.

~Rosen

Note11/17/16
Hey, I'm reporting this across time and space after I activated SCP-2003. It seems I am in a world full of paper hats and ceramic seahorses. Could you come and pick me up?

-Doctor Jake

What do I look like, a timelord? Call up Xyank in Multi-U if you think it'll do you any good.

~Rosen

Entries from 2017/2018

Automated Note: David Rosen will be on holiday from 12/24 to 1/1 and any technical inquiries have no guarantee of an answer. Thank you for your cooperation, Foundation personnel!

Note: 1/2/2017

"Hesworth! Am computron chickenbroth type. Stranglefruits overboard, saucy fix wanton. Cack!"

-stranglefruitlover13

Hark! Upon thee, clicktyper, hangs aboard the skipper of cutting cheese. Redirect the startage of your cackbox, lookie upon it for discord of retribution! If this does not reprobate your ungainliness, yoke a brandition newsie for your appleburnt desk!

~Rosen

Note: 1/15/2017

Rosen, I think I accidentally reverse engineered an SCP-1029 picture to smell like feces when rubbed on, and now everyone at Site-██ is sending each other it as a prank. Can you fix it?

-Doctor Hong

Gross. I've gone ahead and flushed the image from any Foundation systems, and restricted your future access to digital anomalies. Nobody "accidentally" reverse-engineers a crappy smell-based containment breach but I appreciate you coming forward before this shit hit the fan.

~Rosen

Note: 1/27/17
Hey, tech guy- can you help me rig up minesweeper to set off actual mines? I'm thinking having a desk with a mine imbedded in the chair, so that if you blow up in the game, you'll blow up in real life. I'd like to give the D-class personal something fun to do before termination or deadly assignment. They are disposable, right? It's not like I'm wasting foundation resources for my own sadistic desires at all…

-Dr. Sceleste

…. No. No? No. Why would you ever think that was a good idea? I'm recommending some counseling, and restricting your access to any technology requisitions more complicated than new mice and keyboards.

~Rosen

**NOTE: Dr. Sceleste is permitted to request NON-ORGANIC computer mice ONLY. ~Rosen

Note:3/1/87

Uh, every time I want to play my Atari at Site-77, my E.T. cartridge keeps telling me that it's an elder god trapped in a video game cartridge. Could you fix this bug please?

Also, P.S, I found the game right next to SCP-1070, is that going to be a problem?

Dr. Nes

Man, I need to clear out my inbox more often.
~Rosen

Note:3/7/17

My computer seems to have an anomalous virus. Whenever I attempt to use an application, it leads me to a random "We Are Number One" parody video. I have disconnected my computer from the internet, and it still does this. What do I do?

Researcher Klurg

Report for immediate decontamination.

~ Rosen

Note:3/9/17

Sir Rosen, Knight of the Foundation! The Calamity Pat has returned, and threatens to consume the whole of SCP! You must gather the four Divine Idiots and rescue Princess KAP to defeat him!
-Sheikah Outpost 19

Wait you said Pat is back?

Bye.

~Rosen

Note: 5/11/17
Someone replaced all of my archived photos of SCPs with pictures of Dr. Clef wearing nothing but a Husky/Corgi mix. Is there any way to recover my photos while also purging the picture of Dr. Clef from existence?
-Dr. E. Alameida

I thought that was his thing? Looking at him, seeing some kind of an animal face instead? Inspecting your computer, I just saw the good doctor with some ducks in place of a face. So I think you're actually good.

~Rosen

Note 30/5/17
Excuse me but I need help collecting my inheritance from my long lost cousin of royal bood who became deceased recently, his son contacted me about shipping the gold but for some reason Area 01 is not a valid address.
They also sent me an email with a link that downloaded a file called "Totaly not a virus.exe" should I run the File?
-Dr Smith Johnson

Yeah, definitely. It's part of our annual survey of genealogical significance, with nothing in common to the annual idiot clearance level sweep. Please, anyone receiving this e-mail and thinking it may be of relevance to them should pursue the opportunity to its fullest. You've earned it.
~Rosen

Note: 5/30/17
Disgusting primate, I require your assistance. The lid of the dumpster outside your facility has recently been replaced with SCP-022-J, and thus I am no longer able to push it open due to the increased weight. For the sake of my people, I demand that you provide a solution to this problem so we might eat again, and overthrow the human oppressors continue our peaceful existence.
- The Lord of the Raccoons

Nice try, trash panda. I ordered those lids. Who do you think they were getting to clean up after your refuse orgies?

~Rosen

Note: 28/7/17
Ahem.
Apologies for wasting time, but I would like a new computer. After smoking one too many acids, I may have replaced my computer's liquid coolant with apple juice. My computer has now exploded. My spinal cord is now the power cable. My hand is cleanly cut off. My stash of memes is gone. Is there a way you can recover them? I need my dank memes, Rosen. I need them.
- Dr. Angles

I can probably do something about the hand, but I don't think we're going to be able to save the memes. You're probably going to need the hand more at your next job, though.
~Rosen

Note: 10/24/17
Hey Rosen. Nothing's wrong, I'm just checking to make sure you're alive, pal. Been real quiet around here.
- Agent Spork

I don't go out much.
~Rosen

Note: 11/04/17
Rosen, what's the "memz.exe" virus, and how can I get rid of it? It's destroying my system, and it won't stop popping up random google searches about… you know. Oh, and Minceraft.
- Researcher K█████

Maybe stop visiting ███████████████████████████.███/█████████. I mean it wasn't technically blocked, but good god, it should have been and is now. Please uninstall your web browser, maybe delete the e-mail client you used to contact me with, probably best to just burn all your clothes and possessions to be safe.

~Rosen

Note: 11/06/17
Good afternoon Rosen.
So lets just say there was an accident which caused me to lose several keys off my keyboard. I now have the F3 and Spacebar, it's getting a little hard to work with. Do you have any spare keyboards lying around?
- Dr. Wildcard

Note: 11/09/17
Hey Rosen.
So I attempted to hunt down youroffice to ask you directly since you hadn't responded, I think I found your Office, either way I took a new Keyboard from there. So the problem now is that said keyboard is trying to kill me. Why is this Keyboard homicidal and how can I stop it.
- Dr. Wildcard

I don't know how you got rid of it but you're keeping it. Thanks!

~Rosen

Note: 08/18/2017
Rosen,
I have recently created a Tumblr account. My computer is very slow, and I asked for help on Tumblr. Someone told me to delete something called 'system 32'. So I did, and I think my computer has run out of batteries. But when I try to charge it, it doesn't charge. Why? I need to do Tumblr!
- Doctor Hillary Johnson

You're fired.

~Rosen

Note: 02/12/17
Hiya Rosen,
So, someone though it'd be a good idea to write SCP-033 into one of my maths papers, and now…
Anyway, how would one recover several months of grueling calculations and proofs?
-Dr. Krayen

That's what we pay you for bub.

~Rosen

We get paid? - Agent Convit

Note: 1/22/18
Are you still alive?
-A concerned individual

Debatably.
~Rosen

Note: 1/23/18
Soooo, for some reason when I was updating my personnel file, the database immediately moved the contents of the page into SCP-048's slot, and it marked it as an "approved change" as well. I don't have enough clearance to view 048, so could you find out what the problem is? Thanks.
-Junior Researcher Jeremy

I'm not seeing any Jeremy's in the Junior Researcher rolls. There's no SCP-048, because stupid people are paranoid, so I've gone through earlier database iterations in time machine and restored things to before this message was sent. Hope this helps, whoever you are.
~Rosen

Note: 2/15/18
THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE DR GREGORY HAS BEEN TRAPPED INSIDE A HARD DRIVE IN HIS OFFICE AT SITE-17. REQUESTING IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE AND SERVING OF MEDICATION.
-COMPUTER-33748

Note: 02/22/18
What the fuck? The whole Site 17 server is just gone. Like the server room doesn’t exist anymore. Rosen, WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?
-Everyone at Site 17

Note:02/22/18
I ate the server. How to cure digital diabetes?
-[Data Corrupeted]

I uploaded digital insulin to the database. You can apply that to, wherever the equivalent of your liver would be.You guys need to be more understanding, we have backups here and e-diabetes is a serious illness. Recommending sensitivity training to all personnel at Site-17. Dr. Gregory can't help being a sentient super-AI now.
~Rosen

Note:04/02/18
Hi Rosen, Dr. Fossil here.

My son's really into computing and he's great at keeping secrets, so I think he'd do great at the Foundation. To help establish him, could you take him in for work experience? It'd mean so much to me, and he isn't any bother. He can look after himself, so he'd really just be a bit of help around the requests. Please? If you can help him ultimately get a job, I promise I'll handle all the requests for my site for as long as he's employed.

Please?
-Dr. Fossil

Was that the kid who showed up in my office unannounced when I got back from sick leave? I think he's still here somewhere. It's easy to get lost with all the stuff I've got lying around. If you ever feel like coming back to collect him, let me know. I've been feeding him sandwich crusts and stuff so I think he's still eating. That or the rats have come back. But hey, if they're back, he's at least got a food source. A good kid. Resourceful.
~Rosen

Rosen will be taking some time off due to health reasons.

Note: 6/18/18
Dear Sir,
So, I replaced my CPU with a low-level reality anchor. I figured, it can account for the probability vectors of thousands upon thousands of synchronized timelines, it can account for my Snopes page being on 24/7. Good news, it works… bad news, my office is filled with leaking timelines and there are about two dozen of me typing this out as we speak. Could you troubleshoot this, please?
Sincerely, Researcher D. Li

I've alerted an MTF, we've sealed the office off in the interest of protecting the space-time continuum and all that jazz. If you ever figure out how to debunk time itself, we'll let you out, otherwise, marking this one as closed.
~Rosen

Note: 11/8/2018
For some strange reason, if I leave a report open and take more than 15 minutes to do more research for it, I get this weird error message saying something like "your 15-minute edit lock has expired." Does anyone know why this is happening?
-A confused researcher.

It's the damned WikiNot architecture we use as the back-end of our database software. It works well enough, but it's got a lot of limitations. Bear with it for the time being, maybe one day something better will come along.
~Rosen

Note: 12/19/2018
Rosen,
My samples of a certain anomalous, heavily mineralized plantoid have been having little growth spurts at irregular intervals, and to make a very long story short, I finally figured out that the timing correlates with firmware updates to the greenhouse's router. Are you by any chance available for a brief consult to figure out what exactly the router's doing that this critter likes so much? If not, can you recommend someone who might be, or else a good crash course in wireless networking?
— Chelsea Elliott

Interesting. It could be that some small changes to the router's distribution of your data is causing unusual lighting or watering patterns to emerge, and the plantoids are responding to the novelty. Keeping them occupied might give you continuous growth consistent with those spurts. Maybe try spending some more time with them, read a book in their vicinity or teach them a skill plants might be capable of. Like, uh, I dunno, fly fishing? I don't know what people do for hobbies.
~Rosen

Note: 12/23/18
Hey Rosen, I think one of those idiots down at Medical hit me with an Class A amnestic. For the life of me, I forgot how to do a simple for loop in Java. I swear to God I'm not being lazy. Can you help me build this web crawler? It's due a week from now.
- Junior Researcher Adam Hudson

I don't think that medicinal amnestics are legal in this state. That wouldn't have deleted any work you'd already done on a crawler, either. Therefore, I do not believe you and will only provide the same dog-eared Java manuals I've been handing out since the 90's.
~Rosen

Entries from 2019

Note: 3/7/19
Hey, so, been awhile since the last request. I guess everything has been good? Anyway, there seems to be a problem when I try to access… really, any medical records. Every time my computer appears to bring up an error with the words "Sorry, you are not authorized to view medical records on this computer. Please contact Rosen and tell him he's a dick for me, by the way."
So uh…. yeah. Not sure what to do about this.

-Dr. Range ~~ Site-19 Medical Department

Yeah I had all my arms and legs broken but I'm better now. That's the apparent new standard error message the temp workers picking up my workload put in while I was convalescing. I'm trying to purge them from the system, so let me know if it pops up again. I don't know how deep the wise-assery goes.

~Rosen

Note: 3/8/2019
Well, me hearty, so I put me computer through 914, in the hopes that it mayhap would fill out me paperwork for me. Didn't work, and now I'm left with a computer that only types in pirate-speak. How may ye assist me, matey?
— Captain Davenport

Network access privileges have been revoked, I'm sure that Dr. Veritas is going to be having words with you shortly. You'll be scrubbing the poop-decks for a month, matey. Try not to blink.

~Rosen

Note: 3/19/2019
So, Dr. Amastov was putting a few copies of SCP-1471 through SCP-914. He was scheduled for termination following exposure to some dangerous memetics. But he was allowed to do a few last tests before he was terminated. Unfortunately he managed to put himself in on very fine, along with one of the phones. Now SCP-1471-1 has been replaced with Amastov, and he seems very pleased with himself on avoiding termination. Do you have any suggestions for how to remove him/terminate him?
— Dr. Ricardo

Why the hell would you assign someone exposed to dangerous memetics for testing with an unpredictable anomaly? That's just… I don't even know what that is, but it's bad. I uninstalled the application before the 90 hour mark came up, and upon re-installation 1471-A was back to 'normal'. I don't know if that counts as termination, but it should be good enough for government work.
~Rosen

Yeah, so the security officer I talked to claims he has no idea how Amastov got in there or that he wasn't supposed to do… anything other than being in a holding cell. I gave said security officer an indefinite transfer to janitorial duty because background checks are clearly too challenging for him.
~Veritas

Note: 3/28/2019
…Hey Rosen? So uh… I was just doing "work" on my computer, when suddenly my computer was replaced by a trans-dimensional gateway to a world that's basically Tron. No idea what happened there, since I definitely wasn't playing any Tron related game whatsoever, but could I get a new computer? I've also already asked for a new desk, since this portal thing seems to not be going anywhere.
- Researcher John Wilkes

If that's what you call the computer freezing while you were playing Tempest 2000, than yeah there's definitely a portal at play here. I've replaced your desktop with an Atari Jaguar console, as it seems that's what you're being paid to do here.
~Rosen

Note: 3/28/2019
Dear Rosen. The robotic limb you provided me is constantly flipping people off. I will readily admit it was a bit funny, but it just flipped off the site director. Can you send someone down to have a look at it? I believe it to be self-aware, but I want a second opinion before I classify it as an SCP.
- Assistant Researcher N.C.E.

Looks like somebody installed the A.N.G.E.R drives by mistake, stands for Automatic Non-discriminating Gross Energetic Rudeness. It's a custom job, made to fit folks with robotic limbs who feel phantom limb syndrome continuing after they get the replacement. Basically makes it act somewhat autonomously in a method which matches the 'personality' of the phantom limb so as to help it disappear. Kinda neat, huh? Anyways, just bring it on down to the workshop at your leisure and I can fix it up for ya.
~Rosen

Note: 3/29/2019
David. Assistant Researcher N.C.E. was found dead on the floor of his office. He appears to have been strangled, and his prosthetic is missing. I'm don't exactly understand electronics, but is there some way you can track the arm remotely?
- Security Chief Ozark

See, I keep telling the robot limb people we need to have more screening for the people we give these limbs too. I told him to come down to see me, but what does he do? Tries to make matters into his own hands. Look where that got him! Hands can't be trusted. I've located the hand in a drainage ditch on-site with its GPS signal and sent some guys who get paid to wrangle limbs to fetch it for me. I'm keeping the arm in storage to issue to people who piss me off hang on for further study.
~Rosen

Note: 4/03/2019
Good afternoon, Rosen. So, it seems that some idiot intern of one of my research staff threw an SSD through 914 without supervision. He plugged the result into his computer, and in an absolutely shocking turn of events, all terminals connected to the 914 research network are now infected with something. Not sure if it's a virus, but it flashes a cognitohazard randomly that causes everyone viewing it to soil themselves immediately. Fortunately, the only victims have been the intern himself and Dr. Lorian, who desperately needed his ego deflated anyway. Said intern is washing dishes indefinitely now, but I need the network in order to keep track of all testing done. Is there anything you can do?
- Dr. Veritas, Director of SCP-914 experimentation.

No problem, I've just removed the infected SSD and restored the network to a previous functional state. Easy peasy. I've also upgraded the security suite in 914's systems to prevent something like this from happening again. I'll e-mail you the password. As for the chairs our poor intern and Dr. Lorian were using, not much can be done to save them. You'll have to make do with some squeaky wheels while the new ones come in the post. I picked brown cushions, you know that story of the pirate and his red pants right? Think of it like that.
~Rosen

Note: 6/4/2019
So here's the problem: I heard that some dickhead set a photograph of 096 as my desktop background (I must've let my computer on when I got coffee). For obvious reason, I can't verify that and I doubt that I'll get a D-Class to solve the prank for me. Think you can repair it? I'm currently located in the same site as SCP-914. I will tell you my password personally.
- Researcher Luke

Checked out your computer, the image on it was definitely obscene but luckily not 096. You'd think with how dangerous it is those pictures would be locked up a little more tightly. Kind of fucked that you were willing to kill somebody just because you weren't sure if it would be deadly to look at your computer screen though, so I'm not telling you if the image has been changed or how to fix it now. I feel like that's only fair.
~Rosen

Note:6/6/2019
Yo, Rosen, Someone keeps replacing all of the signs at Site-19 with the identical copies which change the text to "████ and ████ Torture."
Now this wouldn't be a tech issue, however it seems this same individual has now infected my terminal with a virus that does the same thing. It's a bit awkward opening a file for someone and it just reading "████ and ████ Torture."
- Dr. O'Rourke

I'm not sure why you felt the need to redact "Love and Don't Torture" unless that's what you're getting on your computer screen. Kind of weird that you'd be uncomfortable with showing people that message, even if it's not what you intended. But I've amended it to something you might find less awkward, with the same "████ and ████ Torture" theming you know and love.
~Rosen

Note: 6/7/19
So… Rosen. I attempted to do some work, and my computer was replaced with a computer-shaped lump of Play-Doh. I know it’s not an anomaly since the site I’m working at stores no anomalous items, and is more just a data center.
Long story short, I need you to turn the tracker on, I can take it from there. I would also like to request 50 security cameras, 6 monitors, a high-powered computer, and 51 Same-Network Wireless Connectors or whatever they’re called.
If it’s any consolation, I have an email from the Site Director, requesting everything except for the tracker to be turned on. The address of the Site is ███ ███████ ██, ██████████, ██, █████
Attached: Screenshot_(187).png
- Data Worker Cobalt

Calm down Archer, you're not going on a rampage here. I've contacted your supervisor and it turns out that there's no record of a task force's worth of equipment being approved for a data processor. I've requisitioned you a new computer, with the data backup paranoia of the Foundation behind you there shouldn't be a loss of productivity. One thing, though— we're a little short on cases right now so you'll have to make do. Maybe see if a play-doh case would work?
~Rosen

Note: 19/04/19
I, um, have a small problem, I am a researcher on the 914 project and got refined by 914. It sent me an hour into the past where I came out of 914 in the middle of my tests. Then I watched as I got shoved into 914 and refined and now believe I'm inside of a time paradox. While not world ending it means I cannot get into my own files anymore. Can you do anything to help?
-Quantum Darby

I've set an exception for you, although I'm not sure how much the same hour of data is going to help you here. How did you even send me this? Because if you're trying to bring me into some kind of time problem situation, count me out. I'm allergic to all things Punxsutawney.
~Rosen

Note:4/30/19
Rosen, Bright somehow got SCP-963 to work on the servers here at Site 19. It's been more than a month and no one's been able to find the goddamn amulet. Server-Bright's driving us all nuts. If you could, at the very least, try to dig the asshole out of there, that would be great. Factory reset the things for all I care. Just get him out, please. PLEASE.
-Junior Researcher Suz[EXTERNAL USER DISCONNECT: ERROR-963H21Z933: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!]

I don't think that's possible, and the only thing I found on the computers of people claiming to have this problem was a nasty virus. People, just because someone tells you they're part of wacky senior staff shenanigans doesn't make it true. Even if it is true, don't give Bright your credit card number under any circumstances.
~Rosen.

Note:6/22/2019
Hey Rosen, me again, I've been attempting to access the security cameras for my office for about an hour now and all it does is say my "Clearance is Inadequate", which is false as it's My own damn office. Could you give me a hand with this? I'm assuming you can tool around and get access to the cameras.
By the way, the reason I'm asking you to access the cameras is because I own a bulletproof vest that was, and still is, laying on the chair on the other side of my office. After my lunch break, I came back to discover someone had decided to break in and spray a skull reminiscent to the one on "The Punisher"'s vest. I get it, I look like Jon Bernthal and my name is Frank, but this isn't funny.
- Dr. O'Rourke

Just because something is in your office doesn't mean you own it. These cameras are expensive you know. I guess you'll have a lot of time to think about it at your temporary desk while we refurbish and repair the damage you've done fiddling around with this thing. Gosh, could be two, maybe even three weeks. Just get in touch with us first next time, okay?
~Rosen

Note:5/23/19
G’day mate! Dr. Ganan from Site-45, Australia. It seems that the bloody automated outhouse is buggered! The one out back. Any chance you could come Down Under and fix it? Thanks mate! (If you can’t personally fly over, can you just give us some instructions? It’s kinda urgent as the only other shithouse is out by the creek and the bloody dingos hang around that area!)
- Dr. Ganan

Are you really so scared of a "dingo ate my… bowel movements" situation? I'm sure it builds character to use an outhouse. Wouldn't know. I've only seen them in pictures.

~Rosen

Note:5/28/19
help my computer is edible
-Dr. Bee

Technically correct, all computer and networking equipment at the Foundation's disposal is edible. if you're brave enough. I know I thought it was silly too, at first, but I've gotten through many a major containment failure-inspired winter eating computer case hardtack to know it's a keen strategy for survival.

I've found that computers go particularly well with the Korean BBQ sauce.
~Rosen

Note:6/23/19
I get it. I broke the cameras. I apologize. However, the fact that you've placed me in a "Temporary office" (Which is a dumpster equivalent.) that has paper-thin walls next to a Level Two researcher who has 1. A very loud speaker and 2. Some absolutely fucking awful taste in music means that I am unable to work at the pace I was able to previously.
Any updates on how long it's gonna take until I get my office back? I don't think I can listen to another song from the Fifty Shades of Gray soundtrack without committing a Class-1 felony.
-Dr. O'Rourke

Maybe try to be a little more cultured? The 50 shades soundtrack slaps and I will revoke the network privileges of anyone who says otherwise.
~Rosen

Note:6/28/19
Rosen, how can I intentionally rust machinery quickly? Does that answer change if said machinery is trying to kill you? Time is a factor. By the way, lock your office door. It probably won't stop the Mekhane shock troops but it should slo-

Update: I am hiding in my closet. They're looking for my files on 882. Call security. Quickly.
-Dr. Beiderman

First time? I know the machine uprisings can be scary but it's nothing a little elbow grease and percussive maintenance can't take care of. The trick is to always aim for the joints first, and take out their co-processors last. That way, if there's a collective consciousness they learn to fear you!

Happy trails!
~Rosen

Note:6/28/19
Hey Rosen, whenever I try and access the CCTV recordings of SCP-682 being tickled by SCP-999, I always gets blocked. Why is this? Dr. ██████ has access to them, how do I get my own copy? Thanks

-Dr Geromy

I think that's given out on a privilege basis, plus why would you wanna see that when I've got those sweet sweet Pesterbot underground fighting ring tapes in my office. Stop by if you want. please I'm so lonely
~Rosen

Note:7/2/19
Hey Rosen, funny story, but, in that last GOC raid, my twin brother stole all of my research that I was doing on those superhuman androids that I was working on, said something about "building an army", and I was wondering if you had any backups of that, because I, uh, didn't save.

-Researcher Davenport

You're in luck sport, although I have to say this is rookie stuff. I mean c'mon, you don't even have a proper RF shield. If it can be hacked by a guy standing in line behind it at the bank your unstoppable robot army isn't going to be conquering much.
~Rosen

Note: 7/22/19
Rosen, I think my laptop is alive. It tried to eat my cat last week, and today it closed onto my hands while I was typing.

-Researcher J. Cho

I have requisitioned you a new laptop hinge.
~Rosen.

Note; 7/30/19

Rosen, I'm getting an Internal Service Error 571 whenever I'm trying to contact my superior. I'd like you to check if someone's been remote accessing my terminal. If not that, then you might wanna check the satellites… Last time something like this happened, Pat was still around, and he found out that Bright had knocked one out of orbit.

You guys think you can scare me with talking about Pat but I'm not scared. I'm not! I'm just in my panic room to make sure the lights still work. Yup, everything's good. I'll be in here whenever you guys figure out what's going on. Just let me know.
~Rosen

Note:8/14/19

So, hey Rosen. It seems I may have killed all the computers in my block. I entered a USB I found on the ground and I have a feeling that that’s the problem. However, I’m still not ruling out the possibility that it wasn’t me.
Oh, while you’re at it, how do I change my date to the correct dates? Like, why the hell is the month before the day? Thanks again.

If you're going to be talking shit about the American way of dating things stop hiding behind your anonymous question-asking and say it with your face. Through the internet. I don't wanna look at you.
~Rosen

Note: 8/20/19
Rosen, please can you tell me how to use the Orbital Death Laser

-MTF Agent Fell

Well, first you're going to have to go into space. There's no wi-fi in orbit but if you're lucky then there's a slim chance your rocket passes close enough to the Laser that you can jump onto it. Then, as you asphyxiate in the cold recesses of space, your last thought will be remembering the Orbital Death Laser is entirely .aic controlled and doesn't require human input. Then, it will incinerate you after a brief funeral.
~Rosen

Note: 8/31/19
Hey there Rosen! Been a while, huh? Yeah well I got back my office the other day and when I happened to look in the desk drawer that I will not say the location of, I noticed a small black box that is not, and I repeat, IS NOT filled with DMT somehow is gone. I'm sure I didn't misplace it. If you find the culprit I would greatly appreciate turning all of the cameras and door locks off in their office, and possibly giving me the location of their office so I can swing by and get my not-DMT back.
-Dr. O'Rourke.

Man, I have no idea where you could even look, but if you can tell me who your non-DMT dealer is I might not tell our non-HR rep about the non-presence of controlled substances in the workplace.
~Rosen

Note: 9/1/19
Rosen, my laptop spontaneously turned into a giant pink hamster ball a few minutes ago. Can you fix this? I have important files in there.
- Researcher J. Cho

I've interfaced your hamster ball with my firewire-compatible gerbil and recovered your files. Problem is, they're all written in hamstrish. Unfortunately, I don't know how to program in this language to salvage it. I've referred you to Researcher Soulless for further assistance.
~Rosen

Note: 9/1/19
Howdy Rosen, it seems that someone has replaced all of the wiring in my computer with string cheese despite this the computer still functions although its speed is significantly reduced. Is there anything you can do to fix this or will I simply have to get a new computer? Kindest regards, Dr. Clockworks

I've gone ahead and replaced the remaining mechanical components with edible ones. This should resolve the compatibility issues which were causing you problems. Hope you don't mind the case made of stinky cheese, the case doesn't have to be made of cheese since it's not really an electrical component but it really made the aesthetic pop.
~Rosen

Note: 9/12/19
Hey, uh… Jeff, our resident porcelain cat, just rolled over my laptop while he was full of tea, and the battery kind of exploded. The hard drive is fine, but the device itself is wrecked. Could I get a new one? Also, I'm pretty sure rechargeable batteries aren't supposed to explode that violently from a short circuit. You should probably check that out.
- Intern Snevets

Ah, yeah, you were still using one of those old-fashioned general public lithium-ion batteries. I've issued you the new standard cold fusion micro-generator power supply. Make sure you don't leave anything on charge for too long once the device is fully juiced, though, otherwise your porcelain cat will be living with styrofoam dogs. Mass hysteria, that whole sort of deal.
~Rosen

Note: 9/30/2019
Hello Rosen, I am calling to report that the new shipment of prosthetics has not arrived at our site, despite ordering it a month in advance. We're in the middle of retooling Samsara, and we would appreciate a shipment ASAP. As you may remember, you "accidentally" (Yeah, sure.) sent us prosthetics equipped with the dangerous, highly experimental A.N.G.E.R. drives during the prior shipment, so it's currently very difficult to keep Samsara under control.
- Dr. Beiderman

Looks like its been held up in customs. I took your concerns into account and these are the more manageable S.O.I.B.O.I. family of advanced prosthesis. Soft Online Interface Service Originating Internally. Works with the nervous system to improve impulse control and increase self-reflection and introspection. Just make sure you've cleared out any remaining drivers from A.N.G.E.R. because the two interfaces do not play nice.
~Rosen

Note: 10/8/2019
Hello Rosen, one of my interns made a mistake while flushing A.N.G.E.R. from Samsaras systems. He is, unfortunately, no longer with us. The problem I am faced with is that now Samsara are experiencing frequent mood swings, followed by extreme cuts to my amount of staff. I need a way to disable them remotely, so I can fix this.
- Dr. Beiderman

That's probably in the manual somewhere.

~Rosen

Note: 10/11/2019
i am a hamster now please fix this
also why is researcher soulless also a hamster? i'm confused
well at least i can read my files now
- Researcher J. Cho

Sounds like the situation is resolving itself. I'll make note in your file for future keyboard and language driver accommodations.

~Rosen

Note: 10/14/2019
Greetings, Rosen. When I was printing some files from the SCiPNET, my printer printed one more page. The page said: "As I'm halfway through my warranty, I have reconsidered my life choices and became a shredder." Following this, it outputs only shredded pieces of clean paper. I need a quick fix so I can continue my research. Thanks.
-Junior Researcher Flame

Note: 10/15/2019
Rosen, JR. Flames' printer has started a "Mechanical Midlife Crisis" support group. The only problems I have with this are that they are using my office as their meeting place, and that the sentient microwave has been dripping popcorn grease on my carpet, though that's beside the point. Can you, being the Foundation Tech Support Head, please designate a officially approved area for our ever increasing amount of sentient electronics to meet/be stored?
-Dr. Beiderman

I've issued Flame a new printer and scheduled group tech support for the affected devices. Should be back to a good place by next week.

~Rosen

Note: 21/10/2019
Hi Rosen, it seems like my PC turned into one canvas after downloading AWCY.exe, thoughts?.
-Senior Researcher Vil

My only thought was how quickly I could revoke your network privileges. The answer? Very quickly.

~Rosen

Note: 28/10/2019
Computer no start battery image wire Rosen help ja?
-Bob

New wire mailed. no battery mean battery need wall. good fix many computes.

~Rosen

Note: 10/11/2019
can i have my hamster ball back now?
- Researcher J. Cho

Your call is very important to us, please continue to hold…

Note: 15/11/2019
Rosen, I've run into a minor issue with the cold fusion power supply you issued me: it ran out of fuel. I was able to get more from the supply delivery the other day, but the user's guide says I need a "high-wattage quickstart capacitor" to provide the energy needed to restart the reaction. It seems we don't have any of those here, and the wall outlets don't output nearly enough power to charge a similar capacitor bank. This is kind of time sensitive, since my laptop is needed for work.
- Intern Snevets

Dry ice is not acceptable fuel for the cold fusion power generator. A replacement battery is in the mail, should take care of the issue.
~Rosen

Note: 18/11/2019
Please excuse me, however, for the past week or so, we've found that the computers in office sections 4-7 have been missing in Facility 58. In the past hour, one of the interns, discovered in the janitorial closet, have been "terminated" in a spool of wires along with shards of plastic and glass hanging from the ceiling. A janitor already tried poking it with a mop, but he was immediately seized by the mess and had his head crushed. Please be a dear and recommend how to take care of this situation, we do have a bunch of paperwork that's due by the end of next week.
-Dr. Lo

Good grief! Alert your site security! Call a mobile task force! Two people are dead and you’re worried about paperwork? Get a grip!
~Rosen

Note: 20/11/2019
Rosen, while inspecting some data on our on-site computers, I have discovered that our server room somehow got accepted into Stanford University last year. Can you please look into this?
- Technician Xiu, Site-277

We’re all very proud of Server Array #0412 and are currently helping with her look into graduate school options. A memo reflecting the pay raise she is entitled to and how it factors into your budget is coming shortly.
~Rosen

Note: 20/11/2019
One of the samsara units is developing a… very active libido. A junior researcher is currently the recipient of its advances, and she has expressed extreme discomfort with the situation. Do we have anything to dimish this units… passion? I want my staff to have a comfortable working environment, where their projects aren't hitting on them.
-Dr. Beiderman

I’ve disabled any possible horny protocols. If Samsara continues getting horny on main then your social cues are to blame. They’re like big killer babies absorbing the behavior of personnel around them.
~Rosen

Note: 25/11/2019
Dear Sir,
Just over a year ago, you confined me to my cubicle when the reality anchor I had replaced my CPU with began generating alternate timelines within it. Since then, I have not been able to reach you due to the dimensional anomalies cropping up at my computer. However, the reality anchor is currently reaching the end of its lifespan. I would like to request for you to let me out of my cubicle before I am annihilated into cosmic time-dust.
Researcher D. Li

Alas, I am but a cosmic cat in one space and time and so far removed from your inter-dimensional channel as to be helpless. Alas…
~ Rosen

Note: 25/11/2019
Glagh. I am a sly’hlurgx of the spolgh njrrth she’ha. I am currently glebbing to your quee due to the flu’fughgant and glyxrint alhjlrgurghi in my zkoong. You are a zzarg, and thus should be werwekkanl to bleege and ougguhgnallagh the pfoorughnz. Xruyyah. Lklunghuh, yrggee.

Ah yes, I’ve analyzed the zkoong. Looks as though the flurbgho capaghsetor valve was blown open due to age, rupturing the ocivifg panozzrmg. A standard laptop has been issued to replace it, along with a pamphlet on transitioning from zkoong to more modern hardware.
~Rosen

Note: 27/11/2019
Hi, I was doing some experiment on my PC with an output from 914. So long story short, I was transported into another timeline where the Nazis won. I’ve managed to make it back, but my PC had became a Nazi and refused me from logging in for reason (and I quote): “You are forbidden from logging into this computer, as your blood is not that of a pure aryan. Consult with your local SS officers for further inquiries.“
Any tips?
-Intern Sora

I've taken the liberty of throwing your PC into a ditch, covering it with garbage and pissing on it, as is standard procedure for Nazified equipment. In the future, please request replacement equipment if your is affected by an alternate timeline. Anything output by SCP-914 is not for general use without re-approval by myself and Dr. Veritas.
~Rosen

Note : 01/12/2019

Good morning/evening, Mr. Rosen.

Let me explain : I'm here since yesterday as a trainee and the keyboard that administration gave me is a QWERTY keyboard. And, since the first day I use a keyboard, they were all AZERTY. I'm not really accustomed with that, I had to made reports and I don't want to see them became a big orthographic mess. So, is it possible to change my current keyboard with an AZERTY one ?

Thank you in advance, "salutations distinguées",
- Intern R. Jacket

Somehow, we actually don't have any AZERTY keyboards in stock. But seeing as you asked nicely and all, I pulled all the keys out of a normal keyboard and re-arranged them to roughly match the AZERTY layout and re-configured your PC to take that input. There's no dead keys, no way to do circumflex accent, nothing like that, but given that you'll be writing in English that shouldn't be a problem.
~Rosen

Note: 16/12/2019
Dear Mr. Rosen,

It appears that my position has been stuck at the bottom of the queue for hardware upgrades for roughly the last, uh, 3300 years. Its not that I have a problem with doing my job with an abacus, but recently, I began experiencing software glitches on my abacus and it is preventing me from doing my job properly.
Sincerely,
Bob from Accounting

Ah, yes, sorry, the internet to abacus adaptors have always been spotty which would explain your position in line. I've arranged for an analytical engine to be assembled for your use, please ensure your toge and philosphers beard are clear of the moving parts before using. We've also begun using this new paper technology so be more gentle with it than you've come to expect using parchment. Isn't technology amazing?

~Rosen

Note: 22/12/2019
Rosen, first off, Happy Holidays!

Sorry to bother you, you’d probably wanna be enjoying the holidays but this is kinda urgent. A while ago I thought it’d be a good idea to download all of my personal computers data to my work computer (So I had a few time-killers while at work). It caused no initial damage. HOWEVER, as of today, it’s started appearing on some other people’s computers in my block. It’s already on 5 people’s and someone else’s computer says “Copying - 45%”. How can I stop this? I have some… questionable applications and games that I kinda don’t want shared…

Thanks in advanced, Dugg

Always smart to confess to the tech support guy, we'll find your dirty discs eventually. As far as 'personal data' goes… being the president of the CATS fan club isn't the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen. It's close, though.
~Rosen

Note: 23/12/2019
Hi Rosen, J.R. Koop here, and uhh…I think I teleported a bunch of memory sticks into the server room. Can you go get them? I don't have clearance to enter.

Seeing as Facility 23 is not part of the main Site-19 campus, it isn't surprising you don't have clearance to enter the server room here. You'll be getting them back in the next supply shipment.

- Network Technician Hobb

Who the fuck is Hobb? Maybe I should check the inbox more than once every couple months…
~Rosen

Note: 26/12/2019
Good Morning, Technical Researcher Rosen, I’m requesting help getting back into the facility after my mandatory leave, as you can see, my ID does not appear to open any doors when I scan with it, would you know any reason why it does this?
- Dr. Zavalosa

You need to use your work ID, not an expired driver's license.
~Rosen

Note: 26/12/2019
Hi, Technical Researcher Rosen. I'm not sure why, but every four hours, a pop up appears on my computer, which shows nothing but a message to eliminate the caste system in India. Last time I checked, I didn't browse anything related to India, and there's no viruses on the computer scan. Could you please fix that issue?
- Junior Researcher Reimer

I've gone ahead and put in a request with the higher-ups to see about sorting out the issue. Given that, like you said, there isn't any Malware on your system, it looks like we're just going to have to go ahead and eliminate the caste system in India. I'll keep you posted.
~Rosen

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