New Technical Issues
rating: +247+x

Welcome to the Technical Issues page. You are all free to ask me about any issue you might be having (with a computer, mind you), I will try and assist you in resolving those issues. Don't be bashful about asking me questions, I probably won't mess with your clearance level if you aggravate me. Probably. Mark your request with the date at the bottom of the page, I will answer all questions in the order received. Your call is very important to us…
~Technical Researcher Rosen


Due to a… charmingly high number of requests, I am no longer responding to inquiries related to the following subjects and bodily functions.

  • Semen, whether human or animal
  • Any other sexual excretion
  • Really, anything gross coming out of a human body is your own problem.
  • Any other equally horrible things I haven't thought of at time of writing.

Anything added to this page relating to anything on this list or something else I don't like will be deleted summarily, and I will be very, very cross with you.

Old Entries: New Technical Issues Archive

Hi Rsen.
Firt of ll, happy New Yar.
S uhh, I ws n my offic the ther dy and sme otput frm 914 scremed in the resrch cll so lud tht it spokd me. Thing s, I ws watchng cat vidos whil drinkng a cp of coffe, and t splled ll ovr th kybord. Nw the vowls dn't work hlf of the tme, can get a new keybard?

- Intrn Sra

You know, I would mock you for blatant incompetence, but I'm just happy to be doing a keyboard spill that's just coffee.

Note: 08/03/2020
Hey, Rosen. Newly-assigned-to-914 J.R. Cens here.
So, funny story. I put a flash drive with Windows 10 through 914 as one of my first tests, and the output was a Terminator figurine that installs Skynet onto a computer via USB upload. It replaced the OS of the computer, connected to the Facility 23 network, and made all network-enabled prosthetics start slapping their users repeatedly. You have an hour or two to help me?

- J.R. Cens

That is way past my pay grade bud, what do I look like, John Connor? I haven't broken into any veterinary offices to steal the pills since like… two weeks ago. Figure it out.

Note: 04/04/20
Hi Mr. Rosen,
Quick question: How do you Linux?

- Intern François Beauvillier

You Linux in Compute, get Ubuntu in pixel. Mouse it good. You in like penguin.


Note: 12/04/2020
Is it possible to contract the coronavirus from viewing a photograph of the sun's corona on a certain anomalous computer?
- Technician Xiu, Site-277

Actually, in your case, you need to social distance from everybody and everything except the sun. I will give priority scheduling for you to access the necessary medical equipment for this requirement.

Note: 16/04/2020
Cack! Calculactor am intergratulate with spanglefinger! Am contobulating the speekbax to spankolinguist! Pongle! Much assist?
- Informationater Paul

Word-changer skips
Like a litter of kittens
All looking the same

Exposing yourself
To the rays of their sunlight
Cancels out the change

In my experience
Others may have experienced
Differing results


Note: 21/04/2020
Hi, What do you suggest in case of a rogue A.I. uprising? I tried to print a text file I had on a flash drive that went through 914, but the printer suddenly grew arms and legs, introduced himself as "pAInapple" and wants to conquer the town of Fleurus, in Belgium. I'm not sure what to do but now it won't print my files unless I provide it with a sufficient amount of weapons to escape the site and conquer Fleurus. Help? Please?
- Intern Francois Beauvillier

I mean, why not just let him have it? Often times, rogue A.I. will behave after they conquer some humans and then have to be responsible for human problems. Give 'em some foam dart guns and let it go nuts. Fleurus hasn't seen any action since Napoleon, I'm sure they could use the excitement.

Note: 22/04/2020
Hello Rosen. It appears that my laptop has suffered major physical damage from a pair of metal handcuffs that have been fired via cannon through its monitor screen at Mach 5. May I request a replacement that is less vulnerable to these kinds of attacks? Thank you in advance.
- Junior Researcher Yuyuni Belopaku

Sure thing. You've got a new hazardous environment Foundation-made luggable system. It weighs 50 pounds and it will take .44 rounds for you if you asked it to. I've also credited you for that gym membership you signed up for, you're probably not going to be needing it anymore.

Note: 29/04/2020
Hello again, Rosen. I have received an email from an unknown address, stating that they are the O5 Council and that my laptop used to be a massive hamster ball. I am aware that this information is likely false, but can you verify this just to be sure?
- Junior Researcher Yuyuni Belopaku

You got a problem with recycling?

Note: 16/05/2020
Rosen, why is there internet connection on the sun?
- Technician Xiu, Site-277 the Sun

Astronauts need Wi-Fi too, ya know.

Note: 16/05/2020
Rosen, this may be a bit of a peculiar request, but would you happen to know anything about "Seussian" devices? I have been speaking with the pataphysical department, and they want to know if you know anything about a "Super-Zooper-Flooper-Do", or are able to write someone who does.
- Junior Researcher Madden, Site 19

You don't know what to do with a "Super-Zooper-Flooper-Do?" Well, ask someone else, because I don't want to.

Thanks to a modest budget increase I’ve added several interns to help me with the work here. I haven’t learned their names yet but they’re all interns so… yeah. Let me know if they screw up.

Quite assuring welcome, sir. And why does all senior staff treat me as an intern? Anyways, I should introduce: I am a Technician from the 914 crew.

An Intern*

Hey. I can't believe I'll work for the great Rosen now. I will gladly assist you in any issues I can. May I get you a coffee?
~Intern Beauvillier

Black coffee please.

Note: June, the sixth month of the year, on the date twenty-and-one, or twenty-first, in the year 2020, the twentieth year into the third millennium
Greetings, Mister Rosen. Salutations, hello and hi. Kindest regards.

There appears to be an anomalous virus affecting my proofreading programs. Yes, my proofreading programs are indeed infected with a virus most foul. A foul virus, in my programs. It seems to operate by taking brief text strings and increasing their verbosity, as well as repeating information. It does this by expanding them without adding any new, relevant information, repeating the same details with an obnoxious aversion to brevity.

I require your assistance in quarantining and eliminating the little fucker. I've already isolated the system, which can no longer connect to any network, being cut off from other devices, but I have doubts about the effectiveness of this technique as it has already spread to my cellular mobile device. As it is in my phone, which was never connected to the PC, I do not believe a solid data connection is required for it to spread.

At the very least, it's as much your problem as it is mine now. Yes, we are in the same boat, share a similar obstacle. If you have no solution for my problem, you'll just have to suffer with me.

Best regards, well-wishes and utmost sincerity,
-Doctor Lucas Hadian, PhD, esq.

Opposed virus infect own computer.
Sentences shorter.
Busy finding solution.
Good luck.

Note: 25/06/2020
Rosen, it's Shel. You promised me that tech was going to deprecate the sanguinary apostille appliances in the legal department. This in itself is fine and welcome - signing contracts in blood has always been inconvenient, and I'm tired of explaining to the cleaner why I have so many stains on my shirt. But whatever you guys have in mind as a replacement solution, can you demo it with my team before you roll it out? We don't want another Mephistopheles situation.
- Sheldon Katz, Esq.
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Yeah, about that, we sent a memo to someone in your team, and apparently it didn't went well.
See, I think the receiver didn't like the idea of using mouse brain to sign the documents.
May I suggest human fat?
I'm pretty sure it should work.

Note: 02/08/2020
my computer is bleeding
but the monitor is filling up with blood
how come the computer is losing blood but the monitor is filling up with blood
this appears to be a problem
hope you can fix it
- Researcher Kevin Han, Site-22

This is the Technic department, not the exorcism one. Did you practice any unprotected pacts with a demon of the ██rd circle?
~ Beauvillier

Note: 04/08/2020
Hello, my Foundation assigned laptop appears to have a problem with its sound system. You see, the speakers play the melody of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" whenever I lick the sticker with the serial number on it, even when the laptop itself is turned off. Is this normal behavior or is my laptop affected by an anomaly of some kind? Thanks in advance.
- Junior Researcher Pallas

I fixed the problem, but now if you rub the back of the computer, it will start purring on the rhythm of "Immigrant's song" by Led Zeppelin.
Hope you like metal.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 27/08/2020
Hey, Beauvillier, Cens here. How's the reassignment been? Want me to put anything through 914 for you? I've sort of been drawing blanks on tests and I'd be happy to run something through as long as I can say that it was your idea if it goes wrong.
-Junior Researcher Cens

Can you try to sneak in a baguette for me? I tried to ask Dr. Veritas last time and an MTF is still after me. Please, don't tell anyone about i- THEY FOUND M-
~ Beauvillier

Note: 10/09/2020
J.R. Cens here. My Foundation-issue computer keeps playing “The Only Thing They Fear is You“ from off the DOOM Eternal soundtrack every time I try writing a 914 experiment log. This normally wouldn't be a problem as this song is fire, but it's 1) the Bethesda mix, which is garbage compared to Mick Gordon's original version, 2) it's anomalously playing at 50% higher the computer's max volume, and 3) I'm seeing all of the other Facility 23 personnel as DOOM-style demons while I hear it. I've already backed up my files onto a USB drive, so if you wouldn't mind sending me a replacement machine, that would be very greatly appreciated. Thanks
-Junior Researcher Cens

So, I filed a replacemnt form, your new machine should be on its way.
By the way, seeing your coworkers as demons is perfectly normal, especially at Facility 23. Disregard that.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 1/30/2021
You remember Dross? Yeah, apparently he's having issues with that suit of his, and for some reason he asked me to help. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't fix it! Maybe you can? Slim chance, but might as well ask.

Ah, I'm pretty new here, I don't see which Dross you're talking about. I don't know how to help, but I sent you a map with the nearest washing machines to your position. Hope that might help with any suit problems.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 04/03/2021
Hello. I am having a problem with my pc. I was away from my office for a week on medical leave and when I got back, I found that someone had stolen my 27" OLED Monitor and left me with a crappy monitor(I think it may be from 079). I have already filled out a requsition form for a new monitor. But, not only that but it appears they had the time to swap out my ram. However, the problem is that my pc no longer is posting. Could you have a look at that please. I'll drop it by later. Also, I wanted to ask, do we have any NVIDIA RTX 3090's available? If not, what about a 2070? Thanks
-Agent Y. Lukenstrout

You have a standard foundation-issued monitor on its way. I know I'm not very old here, and I do not know what you might do with your computer.
However, you do not need this material for Foundation work.
As an agent, I'd assume your paycheck is large enough to get gaming hardware for yourself.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 04/05/2021

Hello Rosen,

Due to a mishap involving several random office supplies and a couple of insectoid SCPs I was completing testing on, my computer tower is now full of bees. Please send help.

-Dr. Ginger

I think that's an issue Rosen can fix personally, so if you could loosen a few screws and drop it at his office…
Make sure you don't add any markings that might suggest there are bees inside.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 20/04/2021
To you poor souls,
A breach occurred not too long ago in Site-88, resulting in the destruction of many computers in the West Wing. The replacements were smaller, and we weren't supplied mice to go with them. Its all keyboard and a weird rectangle in the bottom-middle. I request that you send us some computer mice. Also, can you check if my… list was saved?
- Researcher Daniel Ham

Note: 30/04/2020
It has now been over a week, I have no mouse, my work has begun piling up, so I traveled about a year into the past to get my mouse, but I don't want to relive Covid-19 quarantine. I just needed my mouse. Though I can get my list back so you don't need to worry about that.
- Researcher Daniel Ham

Wait wait wait- You jumped back in time to get a mouse that was supposed to be broken and now isn't, but the original request is still here? How did you-
I would suggest you speak about it to the Time anomaly department, as I'm pretty sure you probably caused a paradox that caused the Site-88 breach.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 1/04/2021
If its any consolation, I'm not sure either. I didn't want to get seen or anything, so I was just stealing some of my own food and living out of a vent in a closet. I was somehow able to stop myself from time traveling and gave myself the mouse. I was thinking I'd disappear from reality, but now there are just two of us. At least we were able to catch up on that overdue work together, but now we aren't sure what to do. My collogues are extremely confused and getting stared at twice isn't fun and is distracting. I'm going to have myself live in the closet for now, I'll bring myself food so he won't die. I don't want myself bored either, so could you send an extra laptop and mouse?
- Researcher Daniel Ham x2

Temporal twins now? How? Why? I- No, forget it. I just sent you an extra mouse and laptop. But please, PLEASE, stop giving me headaches.
How does it even work? What?
~ Beauvillier

Note: 05/04/2021

So, I got my tower back. In pieces. Twisted, mangled, baseball-bat smashed pieces.

When I put in a request for a new tower through an intranet terminal Rosen sent me an email that simply said “Go fuck yourself” with an ASCII middle finger.

And to top it all off, I have testing I need to commence with SCP-302 and any time I attempt to access the file, my access is denied and my credentials are identified as “test subject” rather than “researcher”. Will somebody please send me a new tower and figure out what is going on with my credentials?

-Dr. Ginger

Please do not move from your position. An MTF is currently underway to secure you, as you may have been contaminated by a very strong cognitohazard, leading you to believe that you are a Doctor, and not actually a test subject, which you are. Remain calm, and do not attempt to escape the scene.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 10/05/2021
Hey, it's me again. So, this morning, Dr. Bright came by my office with some computer parts including an RTX 3090. So, I put the parts in my pc to replace the parts that were stolen. It booted up all fine. Now, here's where the problem starts, as I log in, it seems strangely…efficient so I open up task manager to view the processess, the CPU is at 20% usage and only 40°C. That's when I remember SCP-1111-J so I rush to unplug my PC from the ethernet. I have asked others in the surrounding offices and some have said that thier computer became suddenly efficient along with some of the network drives reaching transfer speeds of nearly 100gb/s. We seem to have contained it, would you mind getting it off the servers at Site-19 please? I have removed the parts from my pc and dropped them off at the I.T. office.
-Agent Y. Lukenstrout

Why? Why would you do this? Why would Dr. Bright come at your office? Why would he come with computer parts?
And also… Why would you install something on your computer from unsafe sources?
You have four hours to write an essay on why installing potentially unsafe computer parts without screening is a stupid idea, why I completely clean out the entire Site-19 database. Thanks SO much.
~ Beauvillier

Hey, been a while. Again, my inquiry is of a pataphysical nature. At least, it appears to be considering the fact that HAL 9000 has invaded the computers of both pataphysical staff and writer staff at the pataphysical division. A little help with pataphysical computers, or at the very least how to deal with malevolent AIs, would be greatly appreciated.
-Researcher Alfred N. Madden

Pataphysics? Again? Are you doing this on purpose?
It's getting ridiculous.
About your evil AI issue, try giving it a pataphysical problem to solve. Will fry its brain like it fries mine.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 25/5/2021
Hey Beauvillier, Temporal Twins again. My other dumbass self dropped the new laptop just now, and its currently screaming in pain on the floor. We tried to help it out, but it just yells at us saying it, "Refuses to go into medical debt over my clumsy ass." Just get my closet dwelling moron another laptop, and maybe someone to deal with computer infant.
-Researcher Daniel Ham

Can you get another closet dwelling moron instead?
We sent you almost 25 different laptops during the past 2 weeks, and every single one of them got stuck in a time loop. With the delivery guy.
Cool it with the temporal shenanigans and then we can discuss a solution, okay?
~ Beauvillier

Note: 01/06/2021
Hey Beau, my laptop's background is permanently stuck on a picture of a brown hamster, and it keeps crashing every time I try to change it back. I normally wouldn't ask this here, but you weren't there when I knocked this morning, so.
- Junior Researcher Yuyuni Belopaku

Why would you want to remove the hamster background? Nothing wrong with hamsters whatsoever.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 11/6/2021
Beauvillier, I don't see the problem here.
I haven't done any temporal shenanigans after my supervisor teared me a new one, and the only reason neither of us were executed is because the Ethics Committee somehow ruled against it. If the laptop and the delivery guy are somehow in a timeloop, it's not my fault. Maybe send a reality anchor with them, and I'll place it in the others pocket after shrinking it with whatever shrink device is around. If you don't want to do that, the time travelled me will come over to your office and pick up the laptop himself. He isn't doing much else, and is just really bored. On another note, the screaming laptop disappeared last week, the only trace of it was a sheet of binary signed by the 'Robot Uprising'. Figured it was worth a mention.
- Researcher Daniel Ham

The… The robot uprising you say?
That is most concerning.
Regarding your laptop issues, I've left one in a safe, sent you the coordinates. Please don't lose your temporal twin to a time loop.
Regarding the uprising…
I was never here.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 17/06/2020
Due to a system malfunction I seem to have been given unrestricted access to all files tagged as 'infohazard', 'memetic' and 'cognitohazard'. The system also automatically provided me with an experimental visual cognitohazard that implanted all of the information in my brain, without prompting. As I don't work with infohazards, memetics or cognitohazards I felt it was best to report this issue. As my secoundary school physics teacher Mr. {REDACTED} used to say, "Please don't spread these".

On an unrelated note, the SCP-2414 slot appears to contain a non-anomalous object. You should probably fix that.
- Mark ████████

Wait, you had Mr. {REDACTED} as a teacher too? What a coincidence. One of the best teachers I've ever had. Regarding your cognitohazard issue, I've revoked all your access privileges regarding these.
About SCP-2414, don't bother. It's clearly not anomalous anyway.
~ Mark ████████

Note: 21/06/2021
Hey Beauvillier,
In regards to your previous message:
1: Doctor Bright works at Site-19.
2: It was the Site-19 site wide April fools day.
3: The server still needs resetting.
In regards to why I am here, I got my new components screened this morning and passed, however the tech uprising appears to be outside my door. I could do with some assistance with this. Also, I heard that Pat was seen in the Site-17 data centre yesterday, might want to up the security measures. Thanks anyway.
-Agent Y. Lukenstrout

It seems that you are currently trying to contact the technical support with an issue regarding Pat.
The technical team would like to remind you that it declines all responsibility regarding any problem with said person.
For more information, please contact your local amnestic distribution center and ask for a dose of Class-C amnestics.
Thank you for your consideration.

Note: 22/06/2021
Hey Beau,
Something is in the Site-17 server room, and it keeps chewing up all the wires here. We're replacing them with spares we got, but we're about to run out of replacements. I'm currently in room with a bat to defend what's lur-
Hey so Twin me now, we found other me in the server room tied up with the server wires. He's in the medical ward for head trauma. We'll still need those wires anyways, we're all out now and it's just held together with electrical tape. Whatever gremlin is in here is eating the wires and I'm not going in there, cause you think I'm some time distortion.
- Temporal Twin Daniel Ham

The wire gremlin is back. Close all doors. Spray toxic gas in the entire room. Pray it dies.
Do not repeat the same mistakes I did. Make sure it is dead for good.
It does not forget. It does not forgive.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 01/07/2021
Hey again Mark,
Thanks for resolving the clearance issue. The informative visual cognitohazards still keep showing up though, so you can probably stop those. I already know all the information, it's just taking my mind a while to comprehend it all, due to the fact that fish minds are very limited.

Unfortunately when you restricted my access you also appear to have prohibited me from editing the SCP-1603 file, which is missing the very important detail that I was the one that murdered █████ ███████. While it may seem like I might not have been able to commit the crime due to my lack of arms, I have very distinct memories of murdering him with the assistance of a cardboard cutout. If you could re-estate my editing privileges for the file or add those details yourself that would be fine, though I understand if this is delayed somewhat due to you being a fish.
- A Fish (Who is not Mark, as Mark is not a fish)

Please. We all know YOU didn't kill the guy. It clearly was me. The cardboard cutout might be innocent, but I have to inspect it closer eventually.
In the meantime, to avoid getting yourself in trouble, I didn't unlock your access. Wouldn't want you to get accused for nothing. I'm the guilty one, obviously.
On a totally different note, you seem like a cultivated guy. Do you know about the reproductive methods of bony fish? We really could have a nice talk about it.
~ Mark ████████

Note: 01/07/2021
It's not dead.
It's not fucking dead.
It's taking both of us hostage in the Site-17 Data Centre and it's not fun listening to this fucker grumbling about his revenge and is asking us where Rosen is. I can't really answer him due to his own sudden departure so he keeps committing what in fairly certain violates the Geneva Conventions against us. Get us some wire cutters so we can get the hell out if here, the other bodies in here stink.
- Researcher & Temporal Twin Daniel Ham

Alright. I guess you suffered more than enough. I am going in.
If you don't see me by noon, I didn't make it.
~ Beauvillier

EDIT: Sorry, the door was welded shut. Took us some time to open it. I'll be here before dusk.

EDIT 2: There's some sort of cable wall right behind the door. We need to cut through it. Stay safe, I'll be there by midnight.

EDIT 3: Alright we ran into a complication. ETA unknown yet. Don't worry. We'll get to you. Eventually.

EDIT 4: No we won't. Too difficult, the layer of cables is at least five meter thick. Just tell the… thing that Rosen is on leave or something. Who knows, it might let you go. Good luck.

Note: 23/07/2021
"Hello again Mark/Fish," said the toaster standing at the booth. "I was attempting to to get back to you about details regarding the reproductive methods of bony fish (such as you being one) but made a typo in linking to the file. This appears to have inadvertently summoned a narrative based entity which is altering my files."

"Additionally, the entity appears to to have been affected by some of the memetic information that is now re-inserting itself into my computer" the toaster continued as they tried to ignore the large-bull like creature in the booth. "It seems to have fixated on an obscure American political party and is promoting them like crazy."

"While I agree with the party's values and goals, I find the fact that an anomaly is promoting them quite distracting," the toaster explained as they politely excused themselves from the booth. "If you could help remove the entity we could discuss both bony fish and politics in peace."

"- A Toaster (Who is no longer a fish, due to the risk of electrocution)."

"Hello, me." I say, after receiving my request. "I have to say this is a rare occurrence, usually I don't make typos. But let's see what I can do."
I fidget a bit with my computer while I watch myself working.
"Well, the process has been launched, it might take a little while to run, but it should be fixed by the hour." I say. I see a glimpse of relief in my eye. "The anomaly should diseappear as well."
"So, while we're waiting here, have I heard about the new U.S. candidate? The guy has sick bull tattoos all over the body, it looks really cool. I should consider seeing his program. While I'm at it, there's a meeting that will take place nearby. Do I want to go with me? It'll surely be interesting. There should even be bread there."
" - Me, the toaster."

Note: 30/07/2021
Hello again Fish (You're not a toaster, I am a toaster, you're a fish),
While the politics and bread offer is appealing, we have far more urgent matters to discuss.

It has recently come to my attention from the continuous informative visual cognitohazards that an Eldritch entity is currently in the custody of the foundation and has, against all reason, not been terminated. As you know, nuclear weapons are a reasonable and appropriate response to such threats, and have been shown to be especially effective against Eldritch entities. As such, I am making an official request for the detonation codes of the warhead at the site the entity is located at. I would have gotten to this sooner, but it took a while for my host's brain to comprehend the concept of 'celebrating your brother's birthday on Halloween', given the amount of other information that is being implanted in my host's mind.

If necessary, please send this message to your superiors in order to obtain the codes, including the information of the concept I am currently taking the form of.
- Mr P

Note: 01/08/2021
Dear Intern Beauvillier,

I'm from the Department of Infothaumatics, we're in charge of ensuring that the internal network is magically warded and that all our data is magically secure and transferable through other planes of existence over THAUMNET. The issue is, one of the researchers incorrectly configured the commands on one of the turtle programs we use to maintain the warding glyphs. Now the machine running the program is chanting in Enochian and surrounded by a maelstrom of manifested, hazardous data. Do you have expertise in computer thaumaturgy? We could use some extra hands on deck around now.


Dr. Jeremiah Abdulov
Department of Infothaumatics

Note: 01/08/2021
Hey, Frank!

It's me. Esther? From the cafeteria yesterday. We talked about our internship and stuff.

I forgot to say while we were talking, but you seem pretty cool! There's this little park just off-site that the higher-ups made for """EMPLOYEE ENRICHMENT""". Wanna go on a date?

Intern Esther Onyilogwu

Note: 3/08/2021
Intern Beauvillier היקר,

We got the new monitors you sent over… you know we use Type H plugs here, right? Please send some adapters or something.

Also please help us set up RTL text! Every time my researchers try to take down notes it screws up the format. We're local boys, we're NOT going to switch over to English. I don't want another repetition of the "cock machine" incident.

— תודה, Director אהרן לייב, Containment Site-5613

Note: ██/██/████
Hey, it seems that some D-Class added random things of no value or relevance whatsoever to this log. I hope it won't be a problem?
- Lonely Hearts Thing-Adder in Site-17

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