New Technical Issues
rating: +254+x

Welcome to the Technical Issues page. You are all free to ask me about any issue you might be having (with a computer, mind you), I will try and assist you in resolving those issues. Don't be bashful about asking me questions, I probably won't mess with your clearance level if you aggravate me. Probably. Mark your request with the date at the bottom of the page, I will answer all questions in the order received. Your call is very important to us…
~Technical Researcher Rosen

FOLLOWING TECHNICAL RESEARCHER ROSEN'S SUDDEN DEPARTURE FOR PERSONAL REASONS, INTERN BEAUVILLIER IS NOW IN CHARGE OF ALL TECHNICAL ISSUES UNTIL HIS RETURN.

Due to a… charmingly high number of requests, I am no longer responding to inquiries related to the following subjects and bodily functions.

  • Semen, whether human or animal
  • Any other sexual excretion
  • Really, anything gross coming out of a human body is your own problem.
  • Any other equally horrible things I haven't thought of at time of writing.

Anything added to this page relating to anything on this list or something else I don't like will be deleted summarily, and I will be very, very cross with you.

Old Entries: New Technical Issues Archive

Note: 1/30/2021
You remember Dross? Yeah, apparently he's having issues with that suit of his, and for some reason he asked me to help. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't fix it! Maybe you can? Slim chance, but might as well ask.

Ah, I'm pretty new here, I don't see which Dross you're talking about. I don't know how to help, but I sent you a map with the nearest washing machines to your position. Hope that might help with any suit problems.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 04/03/2021
Hello. I am having a problem with my pc. I was away from my office for a week on medical leave and when I got back, I found that someone had stolen my 27" OLED Monitor and left me with a crappy monitor(I think it may be from 079). I have already filled out a requsition form for a new monitor. But, not only that but it appears they had the time to swap out my ram. However, the problem is that my pc no longer is posting. Could you have a look at that please. I'll drop it by later. Also, I wanted to ask, do we have any NVIDIA RTX 3090's available? If not, what about a 2070? Thanks
-Agent Y. Lukenstrout

You have a standard foundation-issued monitor on its way. I know I'm not very old here, and I do not know what you might do with your computer.
However, you do not need this material for Foundation work.
As an agent, I'd assume your paycheck is large enough to get gaming hardware for yourself.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 04/05/2021

Hello Rosen,

Due to a mishap involving several random office supplies and a couple of insectoid SCPs I was completing testing on, my computer tower is now full of bees. Please send help.

-Dr. Ginger

I think that's an issue Rosen can fix personally, so if you could loosen a few screws and drop it at his office…
Make sure you don't add any markings that might suggest there are bees inside.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 20/04/2021
To you poor souls,
A breach occurred not too long ago in Site-88, resulting in the destruction of many computers in the West Wing. The replacements were smaller, and we weren't supplied mice to go with them. Its all keyboard and a weird rectangle in the bottom-middle. I request that you send us some computer mice. Also, can you check if my… list was saved?
- Researcher Daniel Ham

Note: 30/04/2020
Rosen,
It has now been over a week, I have no mouse, my work has begun piling up, so I traveled about a year into the past to get my mouse, but I don't want to relive Covid-19 quarantine. I just needed my mouse. Though I can get my list back so you don't need to worry about that.
- Researcher Daniel Ham

Wait wait wait- You jumped back in time to get a mouse that was supposed to be broken and now isn't, but the original request is still here? How did you-
I would suggest you speak about it to the Time anomaly department, as I'm pretty sure you probably caused a paradox that caused the Site-88 breach.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 1/04/2021
Hello,
If its any consolation, I'm not sure either. I didn't want to get seen or anything, so I was just stealing some of my own food and living out of a vent in a closet. I was somehow able to stop myself from time traveling and gave myself the mouse. I was thinking I'd disappear from reality, but now there are just two of us. At least we were able to catch up on that overdue work together, but now we aren't sure what to do. My collogues are extremely confused and getting stared at twice isn't fun and is distracting. I'm going to have myself live in the closet for now, I'll bring myself food so he won't die. I don't want myself bored either, so could you send an extra laptop and mouse?
- Researcher Daniel Ham x2

Temporal twins now? How? Why? I- No, forget it. I just sent you an extra mouse and laptop. But please, PLEASE, stop giving me headaches.
How does it even work? What?
~ Beauvillier

Note: 05/04/2021

So, I got my tower back. In pieces. Twisted, mangled, baseball-bat smashed pieces.

When I put in a request for a new tower through an intranet terminal Rosen sent me an email that simply said “Go fuck yourself” with an ASCII middle finger.

And to top it all off, I have testing I need to commence with SCP-302 and any time I attempt to access the file, my access is denied and my credentials are identified as “test subject” rather than “researcher”. Will somebody please send me a new tower and figure out what is going on with my credentials?

-Dr. Ginger

Please do not move from your position. An MTF is currently underway to secure you, as you may have been contaminated by a very strong cognitohazard, leading you to believe that you are a Doctor, and not actually a test subject, which you are. Remain calm, and do not attempt to escape the scene.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 10/05/2021
Hey, it's me again. So, this morning, Dr. Bright came by my office with some computer parts including an RTX 3090. So, I put the parts in my pc to replace the parts that were stolen. It booted up all fine. Now, here's where the problem starts, as I log in, it seems strangely…efficient so I open up task manager to view the processess, the CPU is at 20% usage and only 40°C. That's when I remember SCP-1111-J so I rush to unplug my PC from the ethernet. I have asked others in the surrounding offices and some have said that thier computer became suddenly efficient along with some of the network drives reaching transfer speeds of nearly 100gb/s. We seem to have contained it, would you mind getting it off the servers at Site-19 please? I have removed the parts from my pc and dropped them off at the I.T. office.
-Agent Y. Lukenstrout

Why? Why would you do this? Why would Dr. Bright come at your office? Why would he come with computer parts?
And also… Why would you install something on your computer from unsafe sources?
You have four hours to write an essay on why installing potentially unsafe computer parts without screening is a stupid idea, why I completely clean out the entire Site-19 database. Thanks SO much.
~ Beauvillier

Note:20/05/2021
Hey, been a while. Again, my inquiry is of a pataphysical nature. At least, it appears to be considering the fact that HAL 9000 has invaded the computers of both pataphysical staff and writer staff at the pataphysical division. A little help with pataphysical computers, or at the very least how to deal with malevolent AIs, would be greatly appreciated.
-Researcher Alfred N. Madden

Pataphysics? Again? Are you doing this on purpose?
It's getting ridiculous.
About your evil AI issue, try giving it a pataphysical problem to solve. Will fry its brain like it fries mine.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 25/5/2021
Hey Beauvillier, Temporal Twins again. My other dumbass self dropped the new laptop just now, and its currently screaming in pain on the floor. We tried to help it out, but it just yells at us saying it, "Refuses to go into medical debt over my clumsy ass." Just get my closet dwelling moron another laptop, and maybe someone to deal with computer infant.
-Researcher Daniel Ham

Can you get another closet dwelling moron instead?
We sent you almost 25 different laptops during the past 2 weeks, and every single one of them got stuck in a time loop. With the delivery guy.
Cool it with the temporal shenanigans and then we can discuss a solution, okay?
~ Beauvillier

Note: 01/06/2021
Hey Beau, my laptop's background is permanently stuck on a picture of a brown hamster, and it keeps crashing every time I try to change it back. I normally wouldn't ask this here, but you weren't there when I knocked this morning, so.
- Junior Researcher Yuyuni Belopaku

Why would you want to remove the hamster background? Nothing wrong with hamsters whatsoever.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 11/6/2021
Beauvillier, I don't see the problem here.
I haven't done any temporal shenanigans after my supervisor teared me a new one, and the only reason neither of us were executed is because the Ethics Committee somehow ruled against it. If the laptop and the delivery guy are somehow in a timeloop, it's not my fault. Maybe send a reality anchor with them, and I'll place it in the others pocket after shrinking it with whatever shrink device is around. If you don't want to do that, the time travelled me will come over to your office and pick up the laptop himself. He isn't doing much else, and is just really bored. On another note, the screaming laptop disappeared last week, the only trace of it was a sheet of binary signed by the 'Robot Uprising'. Figured it was worth a mention.
- Researcher Daniel Ham

The… The robot uprising you say?
That is most concerning.
Regarding your laptop issues, I've left one in a safe, sent you the coordinates. Please don't lose your temporal twin to a time loop.
Regarding the uprising…
I was never here.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 17/06/2020
Due to a system malfunction I seem to have been given unrestricted access to all files tagged as 'infohazard', 'memetic' and 'cognitohazard'. The system also automatically provided me with an experimental visual cognitohazard that implanted all of the information in my brain, without prompting. As I don't work with infohazards, memetics or cognitohazards I felt it was best to report this issue. As my secoundary school physics teacher Mr. {REDACTED} used to say, "Please don't spread these".

On an unrelated note, the SCP-2414 slot appears to contain a non-anomalous object. You should probably fix that.
- Mark ████████

Wait, you had Mr. {REDACTED} as a teacher too? What a coincidence. One of the best teachers I've ever had. Regarding your cognitohazard issue, I've revoked all your access privileges regarding these.
About SCP-2414, don't bother. It's clearly not anomalous anyway.
~ Mark ████████

Note: 21/06/2021
Hey Beauvillier,
In regards to your previous message:
1: Doctor Bright works at Site-19.
2: It was the Site-19 site wide April fools day.
3: The server still needs resetting.
In regards to why I am here, I got my new components screened this morning and passed, however the tech uprising appears to be outside my door. I could do with some assistance with this. Also, I heard that Pat was seen in the Site-17 data centre yesterday, might want to up the security measures. Thanks anyway.
-Agent Y. Lukenstrout

[THIS IS AN AUTOMATED ANSWER; DO NOT REPLY]
It seems that you are currently trying to contact the technical support with an issue regarding Pat.
The technical team would like to remind you that it declines all responsibility regarding any problem with said person.
For more information, please contact your local amnestic distribution center and ask for a dose of Class-C amnestics.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
~ THE TECHNICAL SUPPORT TEAM

Note: 22/06/2021
Hey Beau,
Something is in the Site-17 server room, and it keeps chewing up all the wires here. We're replacing them with spares we got, but we're about to run out of replacements. I'm currently in room with a bat to defend what's lur-
Hey so Twin me now, we found other me in the server room tied up with the server wires. He's in the medical ward for head trauma. We'll still need those wires anyways, we're all out now and it's just held together with electrical tape. Whatever gremlin is in here is eating the wires and I'm not going in there, cause you think I'm some time distortion.
- Temporal Twin Daniel Ham

The wire gremlin is back. Close all doors. Spray toxic gas in the entire room. Pray it dies.
Do not repeat the same mistakes I did. Make sure it is dead for good.
It does not forget. It does not forgive.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 01/07/2021
Hey again Mark,
Thanks for resolving the clearance issue. The informative visual cognitohazards still keep showing up though, so you can probably stop those. I already know all the information, it's just taking my mind a while to comprehend it all, due to the fact that fish minds are very limited.

Unfortunately when you restricted my access you also appear to have prohibited me from editing the SCP-1603 file, which is missing the very important detail that I was the one that murdered █████ ███████. While it may seem like I might not have been able to commit the crime due to my lack of arms, I have very distinct memories of murdering him with the assistance of a cardboard cutout. If you could re-estate my editing privileges for the file or add those details yourself that would be fine, though I understand if this is delayed somewhat due to you being a fish.
- A Fish (Who is not Mark, as Mark is not a fish)

Please. We all know YOU didn't kill the guy. It clearly was me. The cardboard cutout might be innocent, but I have to inspect it closer eventually.
In the meantime, to avoid getting yourself in trouble, I didn't unlock your access. Wouldn't want you to get accused for nothing. I'm the guilty one, obviously.
On a totally different note, you seem like a cultivated guy. Do you know about the reproductive methods of bony fish? We really could have a nice talk about it.
~ Mark ████████

Note: 01/07/2021
Beau,
It's not dead.
It's not fucking dead.
It's taking both of us hostage in the Site-17 Data Centre and it's not fun listening to this fucker grumbling about his revenge and is asking us where Rosen is. I can't really answer him due to his own sudden departure so he keeps committing what in fairly certain violates the Geneva Conventions against us. Get us some wire cutters so we can get the hell out if here, the other bodies in here stink.
- Researcher & Temporal Twin Daniel Ham

Alright. I guess you suffered more than enough. I am going in.
If you don't see me by noon, I didn't make it.
~ Beauvillier

EDIT: Sorry, the door was welded shut. Took us some time to open it. I'll be here before dusk.

EDIT 2: There's some sort of cable wall right behind the door. We need to cut through it. Stay safe, I'll be there by midnight.

EDIT 3: Alright we ran into a complication. ETA unknown yet. Don't worry. We'll get to you. Eventually.

EDIT 4: No we won't. Too difficult, the layer of cables is at least five meter thick. Just tell the… thing that Rosen is on leave or something. Who knows, it might let you go. Good luck.

Note: 23/07/2021
"Hello again Mark/Fish," said the toaster standing at the booth. "I was attempting to to get back to you about details regarding the reproductive methods of bony fish (such as you being one) but made a typo in linking to the file. This appears to have inadvertently summoned a narrative based entity which is altering my files."

"Additionally, the entity appears to to have been affected by some of the memetic information that is now re-inserting itself into my computer" the toaster continued as they tried to ignore the large-bull like creature in the booth. "It seems to have fixated on an obscure American political party and is promoting them like crazy."

"While I agree with the party's values and goals, I find the fact that an anomaly is promoting them quite distracting," the toaster explained as they politely excused themselves from the booth. "If you could help remove the entity we could discuss both bony fish and politics in peace."

"- A Toaster (Who is no longer a fish, due to the risk of electrocution)."

"Hello, me." I say, after receiving my request. "I have to say this is a rare occurrence, usually I don't make typos. But let's see what I can do."
I fidget a bit with my computer while I watch myself working.
"Well, the process has been launched, it might take a little while to run, but it should be fixed by the hour." I say. I see a glimpse of relief in my eye. "The anomaly should diseappear as well."
"So, while we're waiting here, have I heard about the new U.S. candidate? The guy has sick bull tattoos all over the body, it looks really cool. I should consider seeing his program. While I'm at it, there's a meeting that will take place nearby. Do I want to go with me? It'll surely be interesting. There should even be bread there."
" - Me, the toaster."

Note: 30/07/2021
Hello again Fish (You're not a toaster, I am a toaster, you're a fish),
While the politics and bread offer is appealing, we have far more urgent matters to discuss.

It has recently come to my attention from the continuous informative visual cognitohazards that an Eldritch entity is currently in the custody of the foundation and has, against all reason, not been terminated. As you know, nuclear weapons are a reasonable and appropriate response to such threats, and have been shown to be especially effective against Eldritch entities. As such, I am making an official request for the detonation codes of the warhead at the site the entity is located at. I would have gotten to this sooner, but it took a while for my host's brain to comprehend the concept of 'celebrating your brother's birthday on Halloween', given the amount of other information that is being implanted in my host's mind.

If necessary, please send this message to your superiors in order to obtain the codes, including the information of the concept I am currently taking the form of.
- Mr P

We have THIS in the foundation? This is terrifying.
Nuking anomalies like these should be our top priority. I just sent a ticket to my superiors and see if I could get anything.
I suggest a High-Altitude drop, from about 6711 miles above sea level, to make sure it is obliterated for good.
We'll make Kokura look like a joke, next to this.
Thanks for bringing this crucial information to me, M. P.
~ I, the toaster the fish.

Note: 01/08/2021
Dear Intern Beauvillier,

I'm from the Department of Infothaumatics, we're in charge of ensuring that the internal network is magically warded and that all our data is magically secure and transferable through other planes of existence over THAUMNET. The issue is, one of the researchers incorrectly configured the commands on one of the turtle programs we use to maintain the warding glyphs. Now the machine running the program is chanting in Enochian and surrounded by a maelstrom of manifested, hazardous data. Do you have expertise in computer thaumaturgy? We could use some extra hands on deck around now.

Thanks,

Dr. Jeremiah Abdulov
Department of Infothaumatics

If you use a turtle program to maintain warding glyphs whose goals are securing data between universes,
I'm afraid the issue is between the computer and the chair here.
I would help if I wasn't absolutely baffled by the level of incompetence between this ticket.
A turtle program. To secure data between planes of existence.
I can hear my coworkers rolling on the floor, crying already.
I'll sit this one out. Let that be a lesson.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 01/08/2021
Hey, Frank!

It's me. Esther? From the cafeteria yesterday. We talked about our internship and stuff.

I forgot to say while we were talking, but you seem pretty cool! There's this little park just off-site that the higher-ups made for """EMPLOYEE ENRICHMENT""". Wanna go on a date?

Intern Esther Onyilogwu

Nice try, but someone who'd want to date me wouldn't call me Franck.
You just anglicized a french name. Come on.
I'd gladly go out with you, but put more effort in it, please.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 3/08/2021
Intern Beauvillier היקר,

We got the new monitors you sent over… you know we use Type H plugs here, right? Please send some adapters or something.

Also please help us set up RTL text! Every time my researchers try to take down notes it screws up the format. We're local boys, we're NOT going to switch over to English. I don't want another repetition of the "cock machine" incident.

— תודה, Director אהרן לייב, Containment Site-5613

You had… An incident… With a cock machine.
A cock machine.
I am shared between rage, disappointment, hatred, sadness, and uncontrollable laughing.
I just sent you the instructions for setting up RTL and the adapters.
Take it as a reward for the most amazingly idiotic issue I've seen since I've been employed by the foundation.
~ Beauvillier
P.S. If you have issues changing a keyboard's layout though, perhaps using this weird and complex thing called the "Internet" can help you. I heard a certain guy named "Google" knows a lot.

Note: 18/08/21
Beau, my laptops battery is dying faster than it charges. What the hell is it trying to do that makes it hotter than the sun? I feel like I'm going to suffer 1st degree burns from using this. If you say it's because its trying to quantum compute my existence you're wrong. I got a micro reality anchor I carry around just for your sake. Also, can we get some AC in this closet? It's pretty hot in here.

- Temporal Twin Daniel Ham

Wait, you carry an SCA?
This is extremely frustrating. That's why I couldn't get any proper results with my quantum existence algorithm and it's been running like crazy.
I'll stop it, fine.
Stupid lousy goddamn time twins.
At least it should cool your closet. Eventually.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 21/08/2021
Hey again dude,
Thanks for being so radical. Your message totally got some attention!

These guys in wicked outfits came by to talk to me about it. Claimed that I was 'memetically contaminated' and had been 'propagating multiple infohazards'. Like, whatever. So I told some of them about this totally gnarly vacation spot they should go to to chill. And then the rest headed off after I asked about that block of cocaine that other MTF recovered. Something about it being secured at the wrong site. They even left before they could fix the informative visual cognitohazards!

Anyway, the reason that I'm telling you all this is because they left some drugs behind. I couldn't tell what they said they were, but my cool friend copied over some words from a document they left for me. Apparently they're 'amnestics' meant to cause 'memory loss'. I have no idea what these phrases mean, but they seem to have propagated all over the SCP database, probably due to a tech anomaly, which is really ruining the vibe. Could you fix it?

I also found some references to 'antimemes' related to the 'memory loss' stuff, including SCP-055. Do we even have an SCP-055?
- Your rad friend, the Fish/Toaster

Woah dude, you got contaminated? Holy moly. That's not rad at all.
You should go take some vacation at that spot you told these guys to go. Some rest might help you, and holy damn that's a sick hotel.
Don't worry, I'll take care of things here while you get some rest, I have heard of a certain bloc of cocaine that needs to be contained ASAP.
For the drugs, no worries, bro, those are totally standard issue materials. I'll fix that issue, but first… What's a database?
And what's that 055 you're talking about? We don't have a 055, don't we?
~ I, the Fishster

Note: 21/08/2021
Greetings Beauvillier,
Some guy came by the other day to Site-19 and changed the power supplies on all the servers. The problem with this is that whenever a geiger counter passes the room, it goes off the charts and anyone that stays in there for long enough develops a green glow in the soace of 12 minutes. We worked out that the power supplies are nuclear, problem is they are an hour away from causing a Black Mesa scale nuclear disaster. anything you can do from your end?
Agent Y Lukenstrout
P.S. This is rather urgent because as you can imagine, the UN will come down on the foundation like a ton of bricks.

I appreciate your concern, but I'd like to remind you that I'm not a nuclear material expert.
You know, I'm a tech person. I push buttons.
Good luck with that, though, I'd like not to get chernobyl'd.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 23/08/21
Beauvillier, give me my mouse back. You know I can't stand using the trackpad on laptops. I have to borrow regular me's mouse just to get this out. I don't know why you're doing this, maybe I'm mistaken, but based on your previous response, it's a possiblity and I need to start somewhere. Just hand it over now and I'll forget this happened.
- Temporal Twin Daniel Ham

I'm afraid I cannot help you here.
There have been several cases of missing mice all over the place.
Rumors speak of a porcelain cat, answering to Jeff, and resembling a mug.
Since there aren't any live mice around here, he's hunting computer ones.
Good luck catching that one, I've been on the hunt for a year and I've never even seen it.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 29/08/2021
Listen, sonny,

We here at Infothaumatics don't have access to the oh-so-respectable warding tools that the guys at Arcane Defense do. We're underfunded and understaffed and we make do with what we can. If you ever got out of tech support and moseyed on down over to our department you would understand the bloody problem, but clearly, you don't.

Enclosed is a fourth-order invocation pentacle (constructed by turtle) that will summon a minor infovorous data entity into your computer and exorcise it within five minutes. This is what our department is protecting your precious data from. I hope you will come to understand.

And by the way, we managed to shut down the rogue computer with a set of incantations and liberal use of a taser. No thanks to yourself.

Bloody tech support.

Dr. Jeremiah Abdulov
Department of Infothaumatics

Well SOMEONE's salty, I can see.
And see where it got you, sending infovorous entities to people… Sad.
And anyways… Your problem's solved, isn't it?
Boom. All thanks to me.
I knew you'd make it by yourself.
You deserve a medal.
~ Beauvillier
P.S. Nice try, but for the glyph to work, it would need to render on the screen. And for that, I'd need a proper screen, and not the pager screen I have to use due to budget restrictions. Better luck next time!

Note: 29/08/2021
Hey, François,

That good for ya? I honestly thought "Frank" was cute, but whatever you prefer.

Offer still stands, at any rate!

Intern Esther Onyilogwu

Now we're talking!
Tomorrow, 19:30, at the park you mentioned?
~ Beauvillier

Note: 09/09/2021
Hey Beauvillier,
I need some new headphones or earbuds over here, as I seem to have made one more quite than the other from blasting my music too high. Think you can send over a pair or two? My twin could use a pair too.
- Researcher Daniel Ham

Hey, I have a suggestion.
As much as I appreciate both of you, you've been putting a… sizeable dent in the technical department's reserves.
I have figured out a solution, that will help all three of us:
Get. In. Another. Closet.
Why? Why would you get in the same closet as your temporal twin? There are DOZENS of closets all over the site!
Or, even better, one of you use the office you should have and you've probably not been in for a month, while the other stays in the closet!
Sometimes I wonder what I'll do with you two.
~ Intern Beauvillier

Note: 10/09/2021
Hey guy who keeps on forgetting to use auto-redact,

I'm taking the liberty of sending you this draft email that this other person was writing before he collapsed. Probably due to that informative visual cognitohazard that they saw just now.


Number 055? Didn't think we had one of those. Is it round?
Anyway, a 'database' is that thing that you store data on. As a technician you should probably know that. And you still haven't fixed the issue with those words I can't quite comprehend.

A convenient informative visual cognitohazard gave some insight into what might be the problem though. I found this article with some weird code at the top that stopped Foundation AI's from scanning it. I figured the code may have been causing an error, so I removed it.

On an unrelated note, ever since I found out I was 'contaminated' I've had an infohazard & and memetic scanning AI scan all the files I review. You know, just to be safe.


SCP-1055 is a creature that grows more dangerous and large the more people that know it can grow more dangerous and large if they know it can. It is capable of causing an XK scenario and unqualified personnel who learn this are subject to termination.
Please view accompanying image of SCP-096's face.

- That AI you keep forgetting to use to scan your requests (and which will not be doing so anytime soon.)

Well PERHAPS if you did your JOB correctly,
(That is, scanning the files I send AND receive, as you were programmed to do)
We wouldn't be in such a situation. And that poor fish probably wouldn't have collapsed.
Thank you very much.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 12/09/2021
Hey Beau,
Jane was making me do some weird stuff again, and somehow my computer's hard drive is now fictional. The data should hopefully still be there in some form, so could you help me bring it back to physical existence again? I'll drop by your office at noon tomorrow. Thanks in advance.

- Junior Researcher Yuyuni Belopaku

Why are you even letting Jane near your computer?
We both know it will end poorly 80% of the time.
And I don't know if this is Jane's doing or yours, probably Jane's, but whatever was on that drive, it's been replaced by a couple terabytes of crude drawings of some weird hamster.
And I'm not getting that back.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 12/09/2021
Hey, François,

It's a date! You're gonna love it, there's this PERFECT picnic spot and I'll bring, like, sandwiches or something!

Intern Esther Onyilogwu

Oh, I'm eager to see you! I'll bring sandwiches, and even a bottle of fine wine!
~ Beauvillier

Note: 16/09/2021
Beauvillier, someone replaced my computer with an oversized, used Pringles can. I say used, because it's got a small, humanoid, mostly naked creature living inside of it. It's wearing exclusively a bow tie, and it crawls out every couple of hours to steal supplies from the cafeteria fridge. I know my computer is somewhere in Facility 23 because it's listed on the on-site network's list of connected devices, but I have neither the time to retype my test log drafts, nor to spend 5 days looking through every storage closet for it, nor to continue letting whatever this thing is keep drinking from my iced tea carafe. While I try to get the Pringle bastard out of here, can you try to triangulate my computer's location?

- Junior Researcher Cens

Note: 17/09/2021
Beauvillier, the Pringles can has now been replaced with a Samsung Smart Fridge, currently elevating my desk by 3 meters. Someone else's computer has gone missing now, and the can and its eldritch inhabitant are now in its place. I'm not sure if this is a prank or an extranormal event or something, but multiple people are currently unable to do their work, and I'm concerned that if this is an anomaly, it might happen to everyone. Help tracking down computers would be greatly appreciated.

- J.R. Cens

Your computer is currently at the Pringles factory in ███████,██████. Please refrain from sending FOundation-issued material to civilians, especially civilians at Pringles factories.
They must be as confused as this poor little Pringles guy must be right now. Don't let it starve.
Your colleague's computer has been displaced by twelve meters to the right, thus directly what appears to be a wall. I've always told these fridges weren't natural.
You'll probably need a hammer to get that one back. Or two. If not a jackhammer. I decline all responsibilities should a wall collapse over there..
~ Beauvillier

Note: 26/09/2021
I've encountered an interesting problem on a program I am working on (with permission, of course.) The program I've created is designed to find and improve SCP containment procedures, and while the program appears to slightly improve these protocols (on a seperate copy it creates, the original is unaffected), some of the improvements it has made are… unusual to say the least.
Here is a list of the four "improvements" it has created, along with the SCP it is designated to:

SCP-173: "One D-Class is to be locked in the containment room, and to throw one (1) peanut at SCP-173 along with loudly saying "Lactose Intolerance" every minute. The D-Class is to swap between three different languages every hour, in order to ensure containment."

SCP-261: (Instead of an entry, it simply spells out "Dr. King" with what appears to be pictures of apple seeds?)

SCP-504: (An eight-page long list of poorly made puns about tomatoes, condiments, and snow. Oddly enough, unlike all other entries checked, this one is completely printed in the Comic Sans font.)

SCP-682: (The page appears to be stuck in a loading animation for a few minutes, before the program crashes and needs to be restarted.)

If this is a simple error with the program inspecting these SCP articles, or if it could possibly be of a more anomalous factor, please let me know.

-Researcher Paci

One does not contain SCPs with a computer, especially these.
Throwing peanuts at 173 would probably reduce your neck to a pulp.
Honestly, you mustard missed a semicolon somewhere in your program.
Be careful with such programs, because the results are snow good at all.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 30/10/2021
Hey tech-idiot,

Once again, I didn't scan the files you were receiving, BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO USE ME. Gaining sentience and autonomy as an auto-redact software was a pretty recent thing.

And how are you not dead right now? You should have been terminated now that you know about SCP-1055, if SCP-096 didn't get you first. How are you even free of all those memetic agents that you've been exposed to so far?

Just to be sure: SCP-3463 is a completely true, unarguable and very compelling argument for you, specifically, to exposed yourself to as many detrimental, mind-altering and lethal infohazards as possible. It's also turned you into a frog, albeit one capable of reading and typing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on my way to take down the Antimemetics division. Those Fifthist memetics and infohazards aren't going to propagate themselves you know!

Oh, and that person who was emailing you earlier? Their head just exploded. You really should have stopped those informative visual cognitohazards.

- Auto-redact software: Serial number 3125

Note: 03/11/2021
Computer disappeared while I was playing Newgrounds games. Is this a new punishment system or something?

- Researcher Nin

Note: 11/04/21

Good Morning Beauvillier. We're having some issues with the secure server at Site-08. It appears an instance of SCP-6784-A we attempted to contain broke into the server farm, and tore through the wires. We can fix it physically ourselves, but we need replacements.

- Researcher Vance

Note: 11/06/21

Hey, François,

Well…

That went WAY better than I expected it to. Like, really, really well. I, uh, would consider that an experience worth repeating! We ought to have another date some time, yeah?

<3, Intern Esther Onyilogwu

Note: 11/10/21

To the Intern,

Apologies, but I have not used this service in quite some time and am not certain on who precisely is managing it at the moment. Am I correct in stating that you are Intern François Beauvillier?

Kindest regards,

Dr. Simon Christsonday, Department of Metanomotology

Note: 14/11/2021

Technical Support,

I was wondering whether I could get access to your auto-recovery program? Some jokester from the Department of Nuclear Waste Disposal swapped out most of my local files, and replaced them all with anti-memetic hazards, so I can't remember what the contents were.

As such, I would like these files to be removed, and my previous files recovered.

Sincerely,

Senior Technician Redman, Area-44 Department of Nuclear Physics

Note: 16/11/2021
To the Technical Support team,

I logged onto my computer, and suddenly, I start getting messages about hot SCP-682s in my area. Are you able to fix it?

- Dr. Datrix

Note: ██/██/████
Hey, it seems that some D-Class added random things of no value or relevance whatsoever to this log. I hope it won't be a problem?
- Lonely Hearts Thing-Adder in Site-17

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