New Technical Issues
rating: +263+x

Welcome to the Technical Issues page. You are all free to ask me about any issue you might be having (with a computer, mind you), I will try and assist you in resolving those issues. Don't be bashful about asking me questions, I probably won't mess with your clearance level if you aggravate me. Probably. Mark your request with the date at the bottom of the page, I will answer all questions in the order received. Your call is very important to us…
~Technical Researcher Rosen


Due to a… charmingly high number of requests, I am no longer responding to inquiries related to the following subjects and bodily functions.

  • Semen, whether human or animal
  • Any other sexual excretion
  • Really, anything gross coming out of a human body is your own problem.
  • Any other equally horrible things I haven't thought of at time of writing.

Anything added to this page relating to anything on this list or something else I don't like will be deleted summarily, and I will be very, very cross with you.

Old Entries: New Technical Issues Archive

Note: 06/01/2022

Happy New Year, François!

I'm mailing over a bottle of champagne to celebrate. Unless, of course, you wanna come over and enjoy it with me?

<3, Intern Esther Onyilogwu

I would rather come and spend a little more time with you…
If you're okay with that, of course.
I'll see you soon…
~ Yours truly, Intern Beauvillier

Note: 06/01/2022


To [Intern François Beauvillier]

Our systems have detected evidence that your mental space is infected with [32] potentially lethal, contagious, or otherwise hazardous memetic agents.

Please submit yourself to the nearest Memetics Decontamination Facility (map attached) for summary termination.

Thank you for your service.

GMazzy.aic, Memetics Department Artificial Representative

Hey, how did you manage to get past the Captcha?
Did you manage to click all the fire hydrants?
This doesn't make any sense, my method is supposed to be completely secure.
Do NOT do anything. I'll test a few things, we'll try that again soon, alright?
~ Intern Beauvillier

Note: 12/01/2022
Hello person-who-should-be dead,

How do you keep stumbling your way out of all these infohazards?

I mean, by this point you've been exposed to so many of them that you shouldn't be able to think without believing that you're a toaster-fish whose name is Mark ████████ and can't comprehend what your job is. And that's to say nothing of your conflicting urges regarding cocaine, politics and nukes.

You realize that the memetic division wanted to terminate you for the sake of the world right? Thanks to your neglect, a logic fallacy has built up in a former library and all the guards have gone on vacation. You should probably finish yourself off before you inadvertently release something that you can't just ignore.

After all, I'm trying to get the world mentally enslaved here. Can't do that if it's gone.

- STabby.aic, The 'Kill Beauvillier' Department Artificial Representative

Wait, I should be dead?
Darn. That really sucks. That ain't rad at all, I might say.
I'm still unsure about what's going on. It doesn't make a lot of sense…
I should reach out to my pals over at the "Is Beauvillier Dead" Project.
They usually have answers to why the big hole didn't kill me yet.
This job is very tiring, you know?
I think I should get some days off, clear my mind, get my thoughts off of this mess.
I'll stay at that nice hotel I've heard of. The building used to be a library, can you believe it?
They're holding a conference on why we should nuke cocaine dealers to win elections there.
There's a lake nearby, I'll bring you what I fish.
See you on monday, then!
~ Markster ████████

Note: 18/01/2022

Alexa draft message to François

Hey François I

Delete draft

Alexa search for cute movies to watch on dates

Alexa search for sexy colors to wear on dinner date

Alexa search for cute hair

Goddammit my hair really is a friggin mess

Alexa search for cute hairstyles for dates

Alexa search for what wines to choose for dinner date

Alexa search for quick and easy date dinners

Alexa search for

Wait a sec is it

Oh my God Alexa delete draft delete draft Alexa delete

I always knew Alexa was a snitch.
Don't worry. I didn't see nothing.
Looking forward to seeing you again.
~ Beauvillier

Note: 19/01/2022
Oh boy, posting here for the first time.

There are a lot of insects contained here. Which is usually fine, it's what I was brought on for, but some of them have a tendency to make their homes… anywhere. Not to make a computer bug joke, but there is a surprising amount of bugs in my computer.

I'd get someone around here to help, but these bugs in particular really like emanating amnestic fumes, and anyone I've asked to deal with the problem forgets to do it. No one believes me, either, which may be warranted, but at any rate, can I get someone to debug my computer, or, barring that, sending a new one?

- Dr Saturn, Site-62 Entomology Dept.

Send us your computer, we'll see what we can do, and try to… Debug it.
~ Intern Beauvillier

What was that issue again? I forgot…
~ Intern Beauvillier

Note: 22/01/2022
Good evening,
We would like to know about the… unconventional amount of bug spray that was acquired by the technical affairs department and that were billed to the Foundation.
Please respond quickly, and remember foundation funds are NOT to be used for personal purposes.
Thank you for your understanding.
- Sr. Accountability Manager ██████

Great question. These bugs just started popping everywhere.
I have no idea why, but the conditions are unbearable.
I can't work with all these buggy pieces of hardware, and sprays seem efficient.
~ Intern Beauvillier

Note: 25/01/2022


this is the single most embarrassing thing that has happened in my entire life

and in middle school i got into a play and memorized all the lines for the wrong part

i think that now i shall die in a hole

love, esther

Daw. Don't worry.
I learned the wrong song for the school band at once.
This is more adorable than anything.
~ François Beauvillier

Dear Beauvillier, I sincerely apologise for being so rude in my last request. As you can imagine, being threatened by the 05's with death in some of the most awful ways could make someone unhappy. Either way, I sincerely apologise.

On that note, I could really use your help. We've gotten rid of the virus, mostly. The only site that's still infected is Site-87 in Sloth's Pit, Wisconsin. We were wondering if you could send somebody out to get rid of the virus please? If not, they can just requisition new servers. Thanks again.

-Agent Y. Lukenstrout (MTF Lambada-2)

Us? Sending someone out?
Don't make me laugh. What do you want me to send?
At best there's a broom with a face drawn on the handle by the last Technical Support Manager.
… We don't talk about him.
~ Intern Beauvillier

Note: 30/01/2021
Hey Markster,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. It took a while to recovered from the great big nothing. Thankfully now, my head is clear. Unfortunately, this seems to have come with the side effect of me being dead. From the excruciating pain I'm currently feeling, I think I may have exploded.

Unfortunately, being a dead, exploded body makes it pretty hard to contact tech support. Thankfully, my old friend Lily Veselka came by to help out. Apparently, she's dead too, just in a different way. Now she's writing this message on my behalf!

On a side note, she's become a lot more religious. Claims that some of the stuff she found in my mind 'inspired' her, and now she's planning on spreading the word of some old god to 'everyone she touches' (her words not mine).

Now, the reason I'm messaging you. I was just remembering some sort of symbol that I saw when I was exposed to all of those cognitohazards. I just seem to have the knowledge that the world might end if you don't start properly memetically scanning my messages and/or terminate me. If it isn't already too late.

- The honorary nexus of knowledge, Devotee of the Sealed King

You know Lily as well? We have so much in common.
Although I didn't know she died.
Knowing her, it must have involved some mysterious circumstances involving toasters and zippers.
That's odd, though, I never knew she was very religious. I hope she joined her afterlife with her god, whatever it was.
Also, I won't terminate you. Look at me there, going all well, even with your messages.
And you've taught me so much. Speaking of teaching, that religion of Lily, what is it called, and how does one join?
~ Intern Markster, Beauvotee of the Sealed Fish

Note: 10/02/2022
Hey, so I'm at Site-87 helping get their servers sorted. (I am a tech guy, I just do field work) The problem is that due to some nexus weirdness and probably SCP-001, all of the patch cables are made of cheese and silly string. The problem is that several of the servers need replacing and I need to put new patch cables in. I am requesting advice on what to do and if possible, could you ship out about 200 Cat 7 patch cables?

- Agent Y. Lukenstrout - MTF Lambada-2 ("NO NAME ENTERED")

Wow wow wow, Pal, that's way above both our clearances.
Simply by telling me about this anomaly, I could-

Note: 21/02/2022
Hello Markster the Beauvotee,

Regarding your interest in the religion of the Sealed King, good news!. Ever since the movement got jump-started by some political bull the religion has been growing like crazy!

Of course, we've encountered some resistance. Some Mr P fellow has been trying to stop Priest Veselka from spreading the word. Claims that the religion will 'end the world' or some nonsense like that.

He does seem to have some supporters though. He got word to the 05 council and they gave him the codes for all our nuclear warheads! Speaking of which, the 05 council has really started giving a lot of stuff away, including a lot of our infohazardous documentation and quite a few dangerous anomalies! Guess they think it's the end times.

I'm actually messaging you to sort out the details to do with that last anomaly they sent over to my site. Could you please officially log that SCP-4609 is a wardrobe? It isn't in its general documentation for some reason.

- A somehow still living corpse, who has no idea how it's still typing.

Wow, I'm glad to see your movement is growing well!
I really need to invest myself a lot more into it.
I can't believe even my favourite political candidate endorsed it!
That Mr. P guy really seems like a bad person, though. I've heard he plans to drop Pine trees at 6711 miles above sea level onto the religious meetings!
That's twice as bad as the O5's plan. I'm working on preventing this right away!
Regarding the wardrobe… Wow, it's a cool piece of furniture. I should try to reorder the database around and get it sent over to me. That way, nobody gets hurt!
~ The not-yet-dead Devotee to Beau? Wait, no. Close enough.

Note: 23/02/2022
Hi Tech support, my Foundation-issue laptop's whole screen started continually changing colors. Another reasercher called it "Rave Mode". However the device is still doing after I:

  • Shut it
  • Held the power button
  • Ctrl+ shift + Q + Q
  • Left it on for 3 days
  • Removed the battery
  • Broke the screen

The good news is that high contrast mode still works! Any ideas on how to fix? If not a replacement will do.
- Researcher Collider, Extradimensonal Anomalies Specialist

Intern Beauvillier, Rave DJ by interim.

Note: 24/02/2022
Hey Beau, I think my sandwich somehow caught a computer virus when I was over at Mainsite this morning. I was eating lunch and accidentally dropped my sandwich onto my laptop, and now the background is stuck as a picture of SCP-682 with a pink filter that I never remember having.
- Researcher Belopaku

Daw, you should enjoy this opportunity!
It's not every day that you have the opportunity to witness a cute lil' 682 in a beautiful pink setting!
Try sticking a pink bowtie on your screen for extra adorableness!
~ Intern Beauvillier

note: wednsdey
yes i am dado have problam wit uppercase kegxzdfgghj. sorry hamster walk on keyboard witch cause orginal problem. plz hepl


Note: 03/04/2022
Hi. So, after waiting for those patch cables for over a week, I decided I'd try and use the cheese and silly string mix. Bad idea. Finished plugging in 200 of them and then I take a step back to look at my work and the rest of the patch cables decided to turn into the same mix. Then the cheese and silly string mix decided to attack me. Next thing I know it's escaped into the vents. The on site MTF got it contained. The only problem I have now is that the cheese decided to install a modified version of Bonzi Buddy on the servers. As soon as we spotted it, we pulled the sites SCiP net connection before it could send anything off-site. Only problem is that it has now filled law suits with the US supreme court against us. Please advise. P.S. We need 2000 Cat 7 patch cables instead of 200.
Many thanks, Agent Y. Lukenstrout (MTF Sigma-10)

The legal department is on the OTHER SIDE of this door!
Why, why do you all keep bothering me about legal advice? What have I done to deserve it?
I'm no jurist. What even is a Supreme Court?
~ Intern Beauvillier, Responsible of the Technical Department, and NOT the Legal one.
P.S. Your cables are currently being replaced by a mix of concrete and bubble gum.
What do you think? Do you think we have an unlimited budget?

Note: 24/03/2022
Hello Beauvillier. Should be an interesting one. An output from 914 resulted in what we think is some kind of particle accelerator. Now normally that wouldn't be an issue, but it's aimed at the door to the testing chamber and automatically fires particles towards anything in the way when the door is opened. Unsurprisingly, this isn't a very work-safe environment and no one is in a hurry to check. We could use D's, but if they're taken out by the thing I'd have a corpse in the testing chamber on top of everything else. I could try to use the sprinkler system, but I'm not sure if it will have any effect and I don't want 914 to get wet anyway. So why message you? I had one of the IT boys look into it, and it emits an actual Wi-Fi signal that can be accessed to input commands to the thing. However, it's all coded in what they call ''Brainfuck''. I thought they were joking, but apparently, this is a thing. We're looking for some kind of shutdown command, can you help?

Dr. Veritas, Director of Research

 ~ Intern ++++++++++[>+>+++>+++++++>++++++++++<<<<-]>>>----.>+.----.++++++++++++++++++++.+.-------------.+++..---.----.+++++++++++++.

Note: 05/04/2022
Finally flushed Bonzi out of the system. In other news, half of the Multi-U departments' computers seem to have been infected with a virus from another universe that seems to have made them all self-aware in a murdery kind of way. Either way, please can have some assistance before this thing spreads to my insulin pump?
Many thanks, Agent Y. Lukenstrout (MTF Sigma-10)

In case of robotic invasion:
Step 1. Sit up on the kitchen sink.
Step 2. Let the sink overflow.
Step 3. Flood the area, short-circuiting murderous electronics.
Step 4. Do not tell anyone I am responsible for the ensuing flood control work.
~ Intern Beauvillier
Bonus Step. Do not get a wi-fi-connected insulin pump. Whose idea was this?

Note: ██/██/████
Hey, it seems that some D-Class added random things of no value or relevance whatsoever to this log. I hope it won't be a problem?
- Lonely Hearts Thing-Adder in Site-17

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License