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Info
Nash Pinkle's Guide to the Foundation
Author:CityToast
The tale that is 8 years in the making. This tale is based on a conversation I had in 2012 over IRC with one basic premise: How can you explain concepts about the Foundation badly…but correctly?
It started with tags, moved on to SCPs, and even Foundation staff. I apparently kept a list in a notepad file that's been sitting in my documents folder since then, and I stumbled across it this week while looking at old SCP files on my laptop. Enjoy.
Thanks to
Croquembouche for CSS help.
Nash Pinkle was a facilities specialist employed by the SCP Foundation. Though his employment has recently ended, he did express interest in becoming a Foundation researcher, and at one time attempted to submit the following “guide” as a body of research work for review. It remains here for archival purposes only and should not be used for reference.
"Someone wouldn't really use this for reference, now would they?"
"…"
"Don't look at me like that. Please don't tell me someone used this for actual reference."
Nash Pinkle’s Definitive Guide to Amono Anemo Anime Weird shit
Ello, I’m Nash Pinkle. And this is my guide to the different kinds of weird shit at the Foundation. See, all o these things can be grouped into “groups”, or “another word for groups”, that you can define by asking one simple question: wot if?
Editor's Note: Text below contains only highlights from the original 57-page list.
| Word | Wot it mean |
|---|---|
| Safe | Wot if you could lock scary things up? |
| Euclid | Wot if you could lock scary things up, sorta? |
| Keter | Wot if you couldn't lock scary things up? |
| Thaumiel | Wot if it locked OTHER scary things up? |
| airborne | Wot if scary could fly?? |
| aquatic | Wot if scary could swim? |
| sentient | Wot if scary could think? |
| alive | Wot if scary was alive? |
| autonomous | Wot if scary was alive but NOT alive? |
| automaton | Wot if robots were scary? Fukken hell, robots are scary. |
| hostile | this is all of them, u can’t tell me diffrnt |
| skeletal | SKELTALS |
"This is…"
"Incredible, right?"
"It's something. I don't know what it is. But it's something."
| bovine | Wot if cows were scary? I could punch a cow y’know |
| canine | Wot if dogs were scary? |
| arboreal | Wot if trees were scary? |
| humanoid | Wot if people was scary? |
| mathematical | wot if numbers was scary |
| narrative | wot if stories was scary |
| religious | Wot if church was scary? A nun smacked me once |
| artistic | Wot if art was scary? |
| sculpture | Wot if art was scary IN 3-D?? |
| arachnid | SPIDERS |
| concept | Wot if ideas was scary? |
| contagion | Wot if germs was scary? |
| electrical | Wot if batteries were scary? |
| meta | wot if SCARY was scary |
"You alright?"
"I'm feeling lightheaded."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Like…what if scary was scary. Think about it, John. What if?"
| cognitohazard | Wot if it was scary to see or hear it? |
| memetic | Wot if it was scary to know about it? |
| infohazard | Wot if it was scary to talk about it? |
| memory-affecting | wot if you didn’t know about scary |
| antimemetic | wot if you didn’t know about scary and IT WOODNT LET U |
| mind-affecting | Wot if scary got in yer head |
| compulsion | Wot if scary made you do stuff? |
| Hallucinatory | wot if scary made you see stuff? |
| Transfiguration | Wot if scary made you INTO stuff? |
| future | wot if scary was LATER |
| historical | Wot if scary was EARLIER |
| extradimensional | Wot if scary was somewhere else |
| extraterrestrial | Wot if scary was FROM somewhere else |
| language | Wot if scary could talk |
| mobile | Wot if scary could walk |
| immobile | Wot if scary couldn’t walk |
| predictive | Wot if scary KNEW stuff |
| knowledge | Wot if scary made you KNEW stuff |
"That's…oddly poetic."
"I know, right?"
| location | wot if u could go to scary city |
| online | Wot if u could go to scary dot com |
| loop | wot if scary again |
| media | wot if scary was on tape |
| reanimation | ZOMBIES |
| adaptive | Wot if scary got scarier? |
| empathic | Wot if scary had feels? |
| self-repairing | Wot if scary had heals? |
| carnivorous | Wot if scary had meals? |
| miniature | wot if scary was small |
| microscopic | Wot if scary was really small |
| observational | Wot if it was scary when you looked at it |
| ocular | Wot if it was scary when it looked at you |
"The most terrifying thing about this is that it's just so…accurate."
"Gives me chills."
| visual | wot if you could see scary? |
| interactive | wot if you could touch scary? |
| acoustic | Wot if you could hear scary? |
| olfactory | what if you could smell scary? |
| food | wot if you could eat scary? |
| toxic | wot if you COULDN’T eat scary? |
| gaseous | Wot if you could breathe scary? |
| clothing | Wot if you could wear scary? |
| game | Wot if you could play with scary? |
| furniture | wot if you could sit on scary? |
| tool | Wot if you could use scary? |
| ontokinetic | wot if scary could do anything |
| paradox | wot if scary broke everything |
| predatory | wot if scary hunted you |
| self-replicating | Wot if scary made more scary |
| sexual | fuckin’ scary |
BONUS: SPECIFIC THINGS AND PEEPL
"Oh no."
"Yep."
| Dr. Gears | Wot if smart people was scary |
| Director Actus | wot if old people was scary |
| SCP-682 | Wot if it was so scary u couldn’t kill it |
| ●●|●●●●●|●●|● | Wot if it was so scary u couldn’t write about it |
| SCP-055 | Wot if it was so scary u couldn’t know about it |
| SCP-4885 | Wot if Waldo was scary |
| SCP-096 | Wot if a face was scary |
| SCP-426 | Wot if I was a toaster (and scary) |
| SCP-999 | Wot if jello was scary |
| SCP-871 | Wot if cake was scary |
| SCP-3930 | Wot if nothing was scary |
| SCP-3393 | wot if u were scary |
"This is awful. It's the same question over and over again. It's not in any discernible order."
"But?"
"But like…I feel like I understand the subject matter better now. I feel ashamed."
"We all do, doctor. We all do."