| NAIP Orientation |
|---|
| Byㅤ |
| Published on 13 Feb 2026 01:41 |
Sit down.
Stop looking at the exit. The door is locked because the hinges are currently non-compliant with Site Regulation 11280.74(c)(21). We are waiting for maintenance. Until then, you are mine.
Welcome to the division of Non-Anomalous Incident Prevention. You can call it the NAIP. Most people call us 'The Janitors with Death Wishes.' I'm the Department Head Floof, Yes that's my legal name.
You are here because you washed out of the Memetics Division. Or perhaps you failed your tactical shooting exam. Or you complained about a spill. Maybe you just really, really like clipboards. It doesn't matter. You belong to me now.
The Foundation focuses on the impossible. They stare into the abyss. They fight gods. They die in the dark. And while they are doing that, they leave extension cords trailing across high-traffic hallways. They leave puddles of viscous black fluid without proper signage. They let researchers work forty-eight hours straight without mandatory break periods.
That is where we come in.
We don't care if SCP-682 is breaching containment. We don't care if the sun has turned into a hateful red jelly. And we certainly don't care for an overseer coming down. We care that the fleeing security guard is not wearing his high-visibility vest.
Look at this slide. This is Agnie. Last month, Plague Doctor broke containment. Did Agnie run? No. Agnie noticed the entity was yelling about curing people. She sprinted through the 049-2 instances. She ended up dying herself. But before she turned, she managed to slap a noted citation for 'Unauthorized Medical Practice.' onto the entity's beak.
That is the standard.
You will see horrors. You will see things that defy logic. Your job is to look at those things and ask: "Is that eldritch abomination wearing proper eye protection?"
If a researcher is being devoured by an anomaly, you do not save them. You ensure their medical files are not left open on their desk. That is a HIPAA violation. We take privacy seriously here. Even for the dead. Especially for the dead.
We had a breach last Tuesday. Fungal parasite. It took over the minds of the cafeteria staff. Mobile Task Force Epsilon-11 came in with flamethrowers. Do you know what I did? I fined the Task Force commander. He was smoking within twenty feet of a building entrance while burning the infected. Unacceptable. He threatened to shoot me. I cited him for workplace harassment.
You will carry a staple gun. You will carry a laminate printer. You will carry wet floor signs. You will run toward the radioactive, screaming lizard to ensure the 'Warning: Ionizing Radiation' placard is straight. If you die, you die. But you will not die leaving a safety hazard unreported.
Yes? You in the front row. You have your hand up. Speak.
"Ma'am? I….I remember seeing your file photo during induction. You looked different. Taller….A guy?"
Ah, They went back to work.
Next question.
Who here knows the proper decibel limit for a containment alarm before earplugs are mandatory? If you get this wrong, you are on latrine duty during the next containment breach. And I promise you, the latrines are the most dangerous place in the facility during a breach.