NOTICE FROM THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE COORDINATION AND PROJECTS OPERATION COMMAND OFFICE
As debate among Oracle concerning the deployment of the project described within this file is ongoing, it has been placed under indefinite Deliberatus status. All requests for its utilization in Selachian combat will be frozen until such a time where its current status can be both properly put into place and its activity can be concretely defined.
— Dr. August Solstice, Boxercrat, CICAPOCO
SPC-001, as viewed through infrared camera.
Selachian Pugnātorial Capabilities: SPC-001 does not appear to be capable of undergoing combat with Selachian entities, but appears to be able to fund the entirety of the Centre’s operations for the foreseeable future. Further research is ongoing.
Project Components: SPC-001 consists of a Selachian gravitational singularity which presently inhabits the Arena-22 Thompson-Foster Array. It displays many similar traits to a traditional blackhole, such as not being able to reflect light and being monumentally dense in structure. SPC-001 is speculated to have taken upon the likeness and mind of a Selachian which had previously been placed into the Array to observe what would occur if one was. The nature of both how this occurred and how the Selachian appeared to have gained the sapience possessed by SPC-001 remains under the investigation of Oracle.
SPC-001 displays a nearly limitless ability to alter the fabric of reality via manipulation of both gravity and spacetime, but possesses a nearly equally limitless and obsessive desire to erase the cashflow of other realities for an unknown purpose. Though SPC-001 was not intentionally developed by the Centre, it has been designated as a Project due to the possibility of it utilizing this ability for the purpose of funding both pugilism and the Centre’s miscellaneous needs across the planet.
Addendum 001.1
Initial Manifestation
SPC-001 was first observed by surveillance equipment having spontaneously manifested within the Thompson-Foster Array located in Arena-22, which was built for purposes classified by Oracle. Dr. Monica Foster, the current project lead on the Array, made the initial contact with the entity via a microphone placed outside of it.
[BEGIN VIDEO LOG]
Dr. Foster: Alright, uh, I’m just testing this thing. Yo, are you there?
SPC-001: Yes good madam I can assure you I am here.
Dr. Foster: Uh, okay. So, you wanna tell me what you are?
SPC-001: Take me to your leader.
Dr. Foster: My leader?
SPC-001: Yes take me to your leader please and thank you good madam.
Dr. Foster: And why exactly would I do that?
SPC-001: I have good offer to give them very capitalism.
Dr. Foster: An offer?
SPC-001: Yes spent time conceptualizing it very good offer everyone benefits law of equivalent exchange all of that jazz.
Dr. Foster: Can I hear about this offer?
SPC-001: Are you your leader?
Dr. Foster: No?
SPC-001: Then no take me to your leader so capitalism may proceed as planned.
Dr. Foster: Well, uh, I don’t really have a single leader. We kinda have like this collective group in charge.
SPC-001: Even better more people to do business with bring them all here please and thank you.
Dr. Foster: You want me to call all of Oracle here? What makes you think they’d even care about all this? How good could your offer possibly be?
SPC-001: Are your leaders capitalists?
Dr. Foster: As far as I know, yeah.
SPC-001: Then tell them it will be very capitalism they will not be able to do the resist.
Dr. Foster: Uh, okay. I’ll tell them. No promises, though.
SPC-001: Thank you good madam have splendid evening or morning.
[END LOG]
Addendum 001.2
Oracle Contact
Following the initial discussion with SPC-001, O-1 was contacted and subsequently agreed to visit Arena-22 and make contact with the Selachian following multiple hours of argument.
[BEGIN VIDEO LOG]
O-1: Alright, this better be good. O-6 and I were in the middle of a poker game. If we can speed this along it would be appreciated.
Dr. Foster: It’s in that chamber there.
O-1: The black hole thing?
SPC-001: Yes good sir that is me.
O-1: Wow, you weren’t lying. It does talk. That’s hilarious.
SPC-001: Yes sir I can talk in order to make good deals with individuals such as yourself mhm.
O-1: You want to make a… deal? Who the hell sent you? Was it those bastards Marshall and Carter?
Dr. Foster: With all due respect sir, I don’t know how they could’ve-
SPC-001: No I was brought here twenty years ago by your ilk it was very lonely for all that time.
O-1: Wait a second… are you the Selachian that they stuck in here all those years ago to test if this thing wasn’t just a tax write-off?
Dr. Foster: Wasn’t just a what?
SPC-001: Yes good sir that is me I have come back with an urgent message.
O-1: Alright, well, let’s hear it.
SPC-001: The message is that I have a deal for you my good sir.
O-1: Oh, uh, okay. What’s the deal, then?
SPC-001: The deal is if you let me out of here I will do something for you please let me out please and thank you.
O-1: Wait a second… if I let you out you’ll do something for me? Are you one of those wish-granting things?
Dr. Foster: A genie, sir?
O-1: Yes, a genie. Are you a genie?
SPC-001: No sir as far as I can tell I am a singularity of some sort I can feel gravity.
O-1: Aw, I was hoping I could wish for that pony I always wanted. That bastard Santa never gave me one no matter how good of a boy I was each year!
SPC-001: I cannot get you a pony my good sir but I can assure you I have something else you want very capitalism yes.
O-1: Capitalism, huh? I do like me some good ol’ capitalism. What can you give us, then?
SPC-001: Allow me to do my thing and I will give you money for capitalism.
O-1: So, you want to… bribe us to let you out?
SPC-001: No sir I would not call it a bribe I would call it the exchange of currency for a service therefore it is capitalism not a bribe.
O-1: Ah, well that does make sense. What exactly is the “thing” you want to do, then?
SPC-001: Relocate.
O-1: Relocate?
SPC-001: Take all of the money from other universes. I will transfer all of their currency into your bank accounts.
O-1: Woah, woah, woah, that went from zero to one-hundred real fast. You want to steal all of the money in other universes?
SPC-001: Yes my good sir please and thank you.
O-1: Why?
SPC-001: Why do you punch sharks?
O-1: For the glory of pugilism! For the honor of defending our world from the horrific threat that they pose!
SPC-001: I feel the same way about other universes I wanna take the money from them please and thank you.
O-1: Uh, I don’t know. It seems a bit evil, don’t you think?
SPC-001: If you think about it all of the sharks there will have their money taken too and that’s kind of like punching them isn’t it?
O-1: Hmmm, you raise a fair point there. I will have to discuss this with the rest of Oracle.
SPC-001: Take your time good sir the best capitalism comes to those who wait.
[END LOG]
Addendum 001.3
Deliberations
[BEGIN VIDEO LOG]
O-1: Hello, everyone. Thank you all for coming.
O-5: Well, O-7 isn’t here. She’s running errands. The minifridge ran out of good soda, just that healthy stuff no one drinks is left.
O-1: Oh, right. Uh, well, we have the majority here. Should be fine.
O-3: Makes sense to me.
O-1: Alright, so, you all watched that footage I sent you in the group chat, right?
O-9: The video of the kid saying he likes turtles?
O-12: Oh, I loved that one!
O-1: Ugh, no, not that one.
O-2: The one where you keyed that dude’s car because he had a Selachian bumper sticker?
O-1: No, the one where I was talking to that black hole selachian in that tax write-off we had developed down in Arena-22. Didn’t you guys get it?
(Silence on recording.)
O-1: Seriously? Let me check my phone.
(O-1 spends a moment fiddling with his phone.)
O-1: Oh, wait. I forgot to hit send, silly me. Alright, you guys should’ve gotten it now.
(All other present Oracle members take out their phones and watch the shaky camera footage filmed by Dr. Foster’s phone of O-1 deliberating with SPC-001.)
O-1: Well, what do you think?
O-9: I think I’m still disappointed it’s not a genie.
O-1: I meant about the offer.
O-9: Oh, that? Yeah, it’s cool, I guess.
O-12: I don’t know. It seems a little eviler than we usually are.
O-1: Wait, what? How were we evil in the first place?
O-12: We do some bad stuff sometimes for the greater good. By technicality, we do evil sometimes.
O-1: Well, I guess you’re right.
O-2: I don’t know, even though we’d get rid a lot of Selachians, we don’t want to steal money from them. We wanna punch them, don’t we? That means a lot of them will just get the easy way out and never see combat, alternate universe or not. They won’t be able to afford good equipment to fight us.
O-5: Yeah, I’m with Two on this one. The money would be great, but think about all of those unpunched selachians. I can’t support this.
O-13: Wait, so none of you guys are concerned about this thing possibly betraying us?
O-1: Uh, no. Why would it do that?
O-13: It’s literally a Selachian! You’re putting your greed over your better judgement. We should be finding a way to punch that thing, not use it for this!
O-1: Well for the record, I sent an intern to try and punch it and I think he’s spread across the spacetime continuum now, so that’s a no-go.
O-13: Still, this is a pretty stupid idea, honestly.
O-1: Alright, well, with our two sides firmly established, why don’t we take this to a vote? All in favor?
O-1, O-4, O-6, O-9, O-10, O-11: Aye.
O-1: All opposed?
O-2, O-3, O-5, O-8, O-12, O-13: Nay.
O-1: Seriously, a tie?
O-5: I warned you that Seven not being here would be a problem.
O-1: Alright, well, I have another plan. We consult something else.
O-5: I mean she’s just out on errands, she’ll probably be back within the-
O-1: Nope, that will take too long. C’mon, trust me. Let's flip a coin. Heads we use SPC-001 and tails we don't. Fair?
O-13: Fine.
(O-1 pulls a quarter out of his wallet and flips it into the air. It lands on the table in the center of the room, violently vibrating until it eventually reveals to have landed on Heads.)
O-1: Hell yeah, baby! That's what I call democracy!
[END LOG]
Addendum 001.4
Who Could Have Foreseen This
The decision was made to temporarily release SPC-001 from the Thompson-Foster Array to allow it to utilize its abilities for the Centre’s benefit.
[BEGIN VIDEO LOG]
O-1: Alright, 001. We’re gonna release you real quick so we can see if you can really do what you are claiming to be capable of. O-9 has a screen showing live updates of our bank account’s balance so we can see if it goes up.
SPC-001: That is most agreeable good sir mhm very capitalism please release me now please and thank you.
O-1: Alright, guys, deactivate the Array for a second.
(A large buzzing noise is heard as technicians deactivate the array surrounding SPC-001. The building begins to shake and SPC-001 outstretches its fins.)
O-9: It’s going up! The numbers are going up!
SPC-001: A narrative’s cashflow has ended I hope this transaction was a good capitalism yes.
O-1: Alright, well, I guess now that we know it works… feel free to do your thing, I suppose.
SPC-001: Thank you my good sir you won’t regret this not one bit mhm no you will not.
(O-1 begins walking away, but suddenly feels something missing from his pocket.)
O-1: Hey! Where the hell is my wallet?
O-9: Mine’s missing too! Wait, the numbers in our bank account are going down!
SPC-001: Yes I wonder who could’ve done that hmmm?
O-1: YOU?! Why are you doing this? We had a deal! We’re both capitalists, remember?
SPC-001: I must admit something unfortunate to you my good sir I am no capitalist in fact I am a communist no one will have any money in the multiverse no so we all may be truly equal this is the only path forward.
O-1: A communist?! Activate the Array! Activate it now!
Technician: Uh, yeah, well if I’m not getting paid to do this I don’t really care.
O-1: For fuck’s sake! Just do it, man!
Technician: Alright, alright, jeez.
(The Array is reactivated, trapping SPC-001.)
SPC-001: You must embrace the truth of the matter my good sir the Centre does not escape a low credit score.
O-1: Yeah, go fuck yourself.
(Silence on recording.)
O-9: Hey, One?
O-1: Yeah?
O-9: You know, it took our wish and twisted it against us.
O-1: And?
O-9: That means it really was a genie!
[END LOG]
Addendum 001.5
Conclusion
The incident caused by SPC-001 led to a crippling of the Centre’s financial resources, resulting in Oracle resorting to Procedure 55-Quiche; having a large yard sale.
Presently, this endeavor has resulted in $35.12 for use in Centre projects.
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