Nobody's Observations on Rejected Nobody Applications

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With all its past hosts out of the picture, Nobody has started to widen his search for a new body to inhabit. Inside an IHOP off 1-65…

Nobody: Okay, "Captain Nobody". Let's see what you've got. I do love some superheroes.

Captain Nobody: Oh, you misread that there parchment, matey. Says Cap'n Nobooty.

Nobody: Oh, you're- okay. Do I want to know what happened to the booty?

Captain Nobody: 'Tis a sad tale, sailor. Lost it all in a game of cards with a man in a white coat. Here, let me sing a quick shanty about-

Nobody: NEXT!

Nobody: Okay… next up, "Snowbody". Anyone there?

There is a puddle of cold water on the floor. A lit cigarette is haphazardly sticking out.

Nobody: A for effort, champ.

Nobody: "Cowbody", come on up. Wonder if they like long poetic titles too… So, cowboy Nobody or cow nobody?

Cowbody: Both. Darn mooo-tin, pardner.

Nobody: What the fuck.

Nobody: Okay, "Captain N-" — wait, I already went through you.

Captain Nobody: Negative soldier, you're thinking of Captain Nobooty. I'm Captain Nobody.

Nobody: Huh. Okay, what kind of captain are you?

Captain Nobody: The rank kind - I fought in Normandy-

Nobody: Christ, not this shit again. NEXT!

Nobody: So, do you have any experience with being forgotten?

Notag: I was a character in a canon from 2015.

Nobody: Oh, so you're a pro, got it.

Nobody: I can't even read what this says. Did a chicken write this? Am I about to be livestock?

Drunkbody: Nah- nah, that's, that one was me.

Drunkbody downs half a bottle of liquor he is carrying in a paper bag.

Nobody: Uh…. okay. Who're you?

Drunkbody: It doeshn't matter. Heh, hey. You want some?

Drunkbody offers nobody a swig from the bottle. Nobody shakes his head. Drunkbody shrugs and chugs the rest of the bottle.

Drunkbody: Y'know… I ush't to be shomebody.

Nobody: Yeah, tell me about it.

Drunkbody: Now look't me… I'm so wasted I can't remember m'name!

Nobody: … Sure. Let's say its the alcohol.

Kaiju Nobody: It's just fucking frustrating, you know?

Nobody: Oh, I totally get it.

Kaiju Nobody: They're all everyone ever talks about! Godzilla this, Crocosquid that - the Foundation just ignore the little guys like us.

Nobody: Well, sometimes they try to kill you.

Kaiju Nobody: Just because I'm a monster, which is also bullshit. I pay my taxes, goddammit.

Catgirl Nobody: I was actually a member of the Black Rabbit Company, but everyone forgot about me after we stole the Solidarity.

Nobody: Don't worry, everyone forgets about them after reading it.

Brian: Hello, my name is Brian…

Nobody: Wait, you have a name?

Brian: … and I'm an alcoholic.

Nobody: Oh. Wrong kind of anonymous meeting, pal. Alcoholics Anonymous is next door.

Brian: Fuck, not again.

Nobody: I specifically said no more Foundation-bodies.

Dr. █████: Oh come on. It's not like anyone knows my name anyway.

Nobody: I have the strangest feeling we've met before.

The Critic: Yeah, you and me both….

Nobody: So, you're just going to come in here, with no introduction, just sit in that chair and stare at me? Those eyes may work on most people but you'll get no such attention from me. This interview has been pathetic. What do you have to say for yourself?

The dog barks.

Nobody: Get the fuck out of here.

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