"Are the Foundation taking down your website? Follow this simple guide and stop them in their tracks!"
Message From The Editor
Hi folks, Brian here.
Diego1 was meant to be the one writing this issue. He spent the last three weeks looking for his mother's recipe cards (she was a top chef in four anomalous restaurants) so he could share them with y'all.
But last week he went on an unplanned trip. Before he left, Diego begged me to write the second issue because he wouldn't have the opportunity until after he got back. I told him it could wait, but he insisted I write something so there wasn't too big of a gap between issues.
And thus, here I am. I'll admit I'm not a writer in any sense of the word, but I promised Diego, and I don't want to see him unhappy. And so, I've decided to write about the one thing I think I can write about: my job.
Some of you have noticed (and sent me many emails about) the Magpie Swoops website being down intermittently. The reason why is simple: The shitheads at the Foundation keep taking it down and it's very, very annoying.
This guide was written with the goal of giving anyone facing similar troubles a way out. Follow these steps, and the Foundation won't be able to bother you anymore (Until they figure out a workaround. If they do, I'll post a new guide once I have a fix). It's short, so I hope most of y'all will be able to follow along without too many problems.
Oh, and screw you Director Baltner, you small-minded, brittle boned, shiny-headed twit for making me miss my DnD session to Foundation-proof the website's server.
- Brian: Tech Support
How to Foundation-proof your website in 8 easy steps
1 - Gather stones in your stone bucket
This step is pretty simple. Grab your stone bucket and put some stones in it. They can be any kind of stones you want, but I recommend ones that don't have too many holes or weird curves.
If you don't have a stone bucket, any receptacle will do so long as it can hold the weight. For example, my stone bucket is an old Halloween candy bucket Diego didn't want anymore.
As for where to get stones, anywhere will do. Your garden, your asshole neighbour's garden, fancy real estate agent offices, parks or even cemeteries are all good places. But if you do go the cemetery route, make sure the stones you're taking don't belong to a ghost, spirit or similar entity. They will haunt you, even if you give the stones back. And no, I will not be replying to any emails from the people who ignore my advice.
Once you have the stones, wash them off and leave them to dry. When they're dry, go to your server room and create a circle with the stones. The centre should be big enough for you to stand in. If you can't fit, go get more stones until you do.
2 - Get out your copy of the Eboyrimoz
This step isn't as simple, but it's pretty straightforward. Grab your copy of the Eboyrimoz and get ready to open it. I know some copies have requirements to open them, so do those if you have to.
If you don't have a copy of the Eboyrimoz, you can buy it at any good bookstore or online. I recommend a physical copy, because even though they're quite large (as you can see when compared with my cat), they can't be edited without the book's gem losing its lustre.
For those of you who are more digitally inclined, PDFs of the Eboyrimoz are available. No, I don't recommend them because some smartass can change one of the spells so you end up with a beard that is constantly glowing. A glowing beard may seem cool, until you realise you can't sleep because it's so fucking bright in your room. Basically, if you wanna take the risk, be prepared to get pranked by some snotnose spellcaster with a PDF editor and too much time on their hands.
3 - Turn to page 215 and activate it with juices from a Bunyip's giblets
Before some of y'all ask, yes, the giblets have to be from a Bunyip. No, they can't be your giblets, someone else's giblets or from another animal, mundane or anomalous. If you try to use a substitute, the book will lash out, and your fingers will be turned into Acid Spitter Worms.
Now, some of you might be thinking, 'that's not so bad. I like worms.' If you're thinking that, stop. Acid Spitter Worms, as the name implies, like to spit acid. A lot of acid. You see, these little guys can understand pretty much any language. They also love to chat, and when the language allows it, they'll spit acid onto nearby surfaces to communicate with whoever's nearby.
In sum, if you do decide to substitute, be prepared to have every surface in your server room covered in burning acid holes made by the worms trying to ask why you didn't listen to me.
And no, you can't simply copy mine because you need the book nearby for the spell to work. Don't ask me why, I didn't write the thing.
4 - Copy down the sigil and spell
Another simple one. Use whatever you have on hand to copy it down onto a piece of paper. I only had crayons, so that's what I used.
You don't need to be 100% accurate; it just has to be close enough. As you can see, mine doesn't quite match the sigil on the page, and I even added a few bits. It'll still work because this thing is about 75% intent-based. That means we can be a little lazy with the sigil and it'll still work, which is my favourite kind of solution to problems like this.
And before you ask, you can't copy this one down either. Every sigil in this book was made by unsavoury beings. By having the book nearby, it gives you protection against them and stops them from spying on you, or worse. This particular sigil was made by Karcist Lumertna, who when she finds someone using her sigil unprotected loves to don't spoil the surprise, traitor.
In sum: just buy the damn book.
5 - Attach the sigil to your server
Use glue, tape, saliva from a water dragon2 or whatever you have. It doesn't matter as long as it sticks.
6 - Read out the spell
Once the spell is attached, step into your stone circle which acts as protection against what's to come. Once you're inside, begin reading and don't stop until you reach the end of the spell. If you can't read the text, give the book a shake and it should change the text into something you can understand. If it doesn't, that means you've done something wrong and you'll need to go back to step 3 and follow the process again.
About five seconds after you start reading, something is going to appear. There won't be any signs, it'll pop into existence and float around your server room slobbering everywhere and making weird noises.
Now I haven't included a picture for this step, because every time I tried to take a photo, the entity ate it (yes that includes digital photos. I don't know how it does it, but I do know that it finds low quality photos especially delicious.) While I can't provide you with picture, I can answer some of y'all's possible questions regarding the weird entity:
1. Why does it gnash its teeth?
I don't know. I think it has dental problems and that's how it deals with the pain.
2. What's with its hair?
I don't know and don't touch it. It's as gross as it looks, and the smell lingers on your hands for days.
3. Why did it vomit tiny versions of itself that are chewing on the stones?
I told you they'd act as a barrier. Imagine if the hungry newborns didn't have those to chew on. They'd go for you, or worse, the server.
4. Why is it licking my server?
I'm pretty sure that's how it Foundation-proofs the server, but I can't be sure. My advice: don't question it. Any questions lead to the realms of False Annwn, death, or undeath.
5. Does it have to breathe at me like that?
Yes.
6. Will it go away eventually?
Probably.
If you've gotten this far, you have my condolences and congratulations on the Foundation-proof server.
7 - Paint the stones you collected to try and forget the horrors of the spell
Now that your server is safe from the paper-pushing asshats, you can begin your journey of healing after witnessing the spell's effects. My favourite method of healing is painting the stones used for the barrier (assuming any are left. If yours were eaten, skip this step). You can use whatever paints you have or something like phoenix feathers that burn colours into the stone.
If you're so inclined, you can make them into gifts. Who you gift it to is up to you, but my favourites include parents, work colleagues, children and dead relatives. I am painting rocks to gift to Diego (note: remove this bit once you get back from work).
8 - Get revenge
Let's face it, after all that, you're probably craving some payback. I know I am. That's why this is the final step, because we all need to satisfy our primal need for revenge sometimes.
How you go about exacting revenge is up to you. Send a Nuckelavee after them while they're taking a shower, curse their beds to make teleport them onto the floor every time they're almost asleep or even send them some tasty sandwiches and a barrel of water dragon saliva. Whatever floats your boat.
For me, I have something extra special cooking. It's not ready yet, but when it's done, I know it's going to prove to be very annoying.
But for now, all you get is this picture. Good luck with your server proofing, and in case you missed the first insult, go fuck yourself Director Baltner, you smelly scumbag.
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