Log Of Anomalous Items, Vol IV
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Foreword: The SCP Foundation has discovered a substantial number of items which are simply too useless to merit further attention. This document lists those items which have prompted some curiosity. It may be used as a resource should knowledge of these items become useful or necessary in the future.
– Dr. █████ █████, Head of Research, Site-██

This is the fourth volume of the log. Due to the increasing number of items discovered by the Foundation, this list is no longer open to new entries. For ease of archival, first, second, third and fifth volumes of this log have been made available, and the sixth remains open to new additions.

Lists of Extranormal Events and Unexplained Locations have also been compiled.

Anomalous Items 751 - 760

Item Description: A Camel-branded cigarette that will remain lit in any situation, including underwater.
Date of Recovery: 14/9/2017
Location of Recovery: Seattle, Washington, United States
Current Status: In-storage at Containment Site-64

Item Description: A tardigrade (Milnesium tardigradum) that is impervious to all forms of damage upon undergoing cryptobiosis, and does not appear to age.
Date of Recovery: 23/05/1994
Location of Recovery: Found on the stage of a microscope at Site-48
Current Status: In animal containment at Site-48

Item Description: A physical copy of Carnivores for PC. Despite only having the files needed to run Carnivores, the game will open as its sequel, Carnivores 2. The game plays as normal with no other anomalous effects.
Date of Recovery: 8/5/2002
Location of Recovery: A thrift store in ███████, New Jersey
Current Status: In the Site-██ breakroom.

Item Description: An SCP document tape that when viewed makes the person viewing confused. The tape is showed below1:

Date of Recovery: 05-03-2020
Location of Recovery: [REDACTED]
Current Status: Kept in a containment locker in Site-91.

Item Description: A set of 15 dumbbells, each weighing 15 lbs. When picked up, the weights on the dumbbell will begin changing to different colors despite being made of pure steel. Each weight has engraved letters reading "Need a switch from your old name-brand ███████ weights? Well, do we have the solution for you (ᵔᴥᵔ)! Kobayashi Athletics' Dance Dumbbells! ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ"
Date of Recovery: 7-12-2015
Location of Recovery: Site-82
Current Status: In the break room of Site-82.
Note: At the time of discovery, we had the exact same brand of weights engraved on those dumbbells. We also discovered that multiple staff had lost money from their wallets. In total, the lost money added up to $150. -Researcher Voute

Item Description: A group of 3 levitating blue plastic beach balls. Each ball has the ability to produce sounds of various species in the Cetacea Order at random intervals. The sound produced by the balls originates from an unknown source. The sounds have a memetic effect on anyone who has heard it. They will refer to the balls as "cute" or "adorable". All beach balls have a note titled "Cetacean Orbs by ███████ ███████"
Date of Recovery: 1-11-2021
Location of Recovery: A storage room in a dolphinarium in Pattaya City, Thailand. It was discovered after the balls are used as props in a dolphin show.
Current Status: Stored in a storage room in Site Deltaphin, Department of Cetacean Research and Containment.

Item Description: A mechanical common raccoon (Procyon lotor) of an appropriate size for an adult of its species. The item is made of incredibly complex clockwork, and becomes animate for a period of a few minutes to several hours upon winding a small key at the back of its neck. If the clockwork is allowed to wind down, the item does not appear aware of missing time once wound again. The length of its animation is dependent on how long the key is turned. When animate, the item acts typically of a biological raccoon, even consuming food and excreting waste. How this occurs cannot be determined without dismantling the item, which, due to its complexity, is likely to cause irreversible damage.
Date of Recovery: 13/08/2022
Location of Recovery: Found in an abandoned thrift store, San Diego, CA
Current Status: Being kept as a pet by Researcher Somerset.

Item Description: The skeletal remains of a domestic house cat (Felis catus). However, every other day, the remains will re-animate and the object will act and behave like other specimens of its species. It’s been observed that if the object re-animates on January 4th or August 12th, the object will have all the features of a normal living specimen of Felis Catus.
Date of Recovery: 07/05/1995
Location of Recovery: Given to the Foundation by Wilson Wildlife Solutions as a “gift”, original owner unknown and investigations ongoing.
Current Status: Being kept as a “pet” by Site Director Tilda Moose.
Note: Every time the object has re-animated, the object has been wearing a pet collar and name tag which has been engraved with the word Schrödinger.

Item Description: Regulation table tennis ball, blue in color. Item generates a wireless network with standard connectivity and no security requirements. The mechanism by which this occurs is not known.
Date of Recovery: 14/08/2022
Location of Recovery: Found at a cafe believed to be a meeting place for GOI Are We Cool Yet.
Current Status: In low-value item storage.

Item Description: Stainless steel laser pointer with attached key chain. When any creature, other than its wielder, perceives the ‘dot’ created by this laser pointer, it will feel a compulsion to chase after and attack it. The influence of this item seems to be greater in targets with a history of addictive personality. In some cases, the target is willing to expose themselves to danger in order to chase the ‘dot’ and may continue to chase it after sustaining injuries.
Date of Recovery: 17/08/2022
Location of Recovery: █████████, England. The laser pointer was found within cardboard packaging identifying it as “Dr Wondertainment’s Captivating Laser Shooter”. This box also contained an illustrated instructional pamphlet for using the device “responsibly”.
Current Status: In possession of Dr. Lewis Naylor.
Notes: Currently awaiting permission to classify this item as a Thaumiel class SCP.

Anomalous Items 761 - 770

Item Description: A Bosch 'Diamond Core' electric drill. Objects being bored by it will spin at the same direction and speed of the drill bit as if they were stuck. Size, weight, and density do not change this phenomenon and any obstructions will always be pushed or destroyed. The longer the object is spun, the higher the chance of it being launched out of the drill bit.
Date of Recovery: 2021/12/11 (Two-thousand-twenty-one, Twelveth of November)
Location of Recovery: Site-78's technical workshop.
Current Status: Neutralized. See related test-log.

Item Description: Containment Chamber 17 in Wing A of Site-517. Item is completely mundane; however, there appears to be an ongoing rumor among site staff that it is anomalous. Furthermore, some personnel (including high-ranking senior staff) have expressed concern that the item will be capable of causing an XK-Class End-Of-The-World scenario in the near future. These rumors are not the result of any memetic effect, and repeated scans of the chamber have yielded nothing of note. Despite this, the item has been given an anomalous item designation for the time being.
Date of Recovery: 2003/03/03
Location of Recovery: Site-517.
Current Status: Still connected to Site-517. Item is not currently in use.

Item Description: A portrait of a young woman, with a painting style reminiscent of the 70’s. When a subject walks through the portrait, they will be transported exactly 15 years into the past, to a location of personal significance to them. Actions performed in the past follow the Novikov self-consistency principle; past events that subjects attempt to avert will happen anyways, often because of the attempted aversion.
Date of Recovery: 1992/09/12
Location of Recovery: Abandoned storage locker in Chicago, Ohio. Signs of recent habitation were present, along with a note saying, “I miss you. I just want to be with you again.”
Current Status: In storage. Presumed destroyed following the decommissioning of SCP-████-D.

Item Description: A wireless flat-screen television. Regardless of original content, all humans displayed on the screen appear identical to prominent American actor Christopher Pratt. Animated or nonhuman characters are are not affected visually but are audibly identical to Pratt.
Date of Recovery: ██/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Warehouse belonging to an unknown and potentially anomalous marketing company. Object was connected to a laptop computer containing a copy of Adobe Photoshop, as well as a Bing Images tab containing images of Pratt.
Current Status: In storage. Object can be requisitioned for any Site break-room; this has yet to occur.

Item Description: Potted ficus plant, slightly larger than usual. Appears non-anomalous upon inspection, and testing has yet to reveal any anomalous property. However, the location it was found in has no record of the plant being acquired at any point in its history. Those present at the location claim the plant has "always been there"; however, available surveillance camera videos show the plant was acquired at some point between 5 and 6 years ago. Even those who have been working at the location since before this point have no recollection of a time when the plant was not present, and will mention the plant when describing their memories of the past.
Date of Recovery: 21-12-2021
Location of Recovery: Office building belonging to Sapling & Imagery Data Systems, which was later discovered not to exist. Extensive searches of all available databases provided no results; use of publicly available search engines such as Google or Bing also provides no results.
Current Status: Being considered for potential SCP designation. Research into the nonexistent company Sapling & Imagery is continuing.

Item Description: A small instructional booklet titled Easy Jazz Chords for Beginners, which claims to display guitar fingerings for jazz music easy for anyone to perform. Pages showing the title and publishing information are missing, apparently having been torn out by hand. Actually following the instructions requires movements that are either impossible for human anatomy or cannot be performed in three dimensions. Those reading the booklet and following the instructions are generally confident in their ability to play the chords described, regardless of their skill at playing the guitar or level of familiarity with the instrument. This does not grant the ability to perform the impossible movements.
Date of Recovery: 26-12-2021
Location of Recovery: A thrift store in Twin Falls, Idaho.
Current Status: In low-value item storage.

Item Description: A Victorian era Top Hat that when worn causes can the individual wearing it to talk in 1800s era English with a British absent regardless of their prior familiarity with the English language or it victorian era counter part, upon removal the individual will return to speaking how they normally do.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2002
Location of Recovery: Museum of London, England.
Current Status: Currently in Site-447’s Anomalous Item Storage Vault.

Item Description: A deck of cards containing the bound soul of the hostile Tartarean entity ██████-B’ahl-██████████, Lord of Chaos. The entity will be released if another deck of cards is ever in the same order.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-1911
Location of Recovery: Las Vegas, Nevada.
Current Status: Item has been randomly shuffled and is currently in Long Term Secure Storage at Site-45. As the chances of any given shuffle creating the same order are around 1 in 8x1067 no special containment procedures are necessary.

Item Description: A Japanese kimono dress that, if worn with its right side covering the left side, will cause a near instantaneous shut-down of all brain function in the individual wearing it, effectively killing them.
Date of Recovery: 01-01-2022
Location of Recovery: Yamagata, Japan
Current Status: Stored in a Low-Risk Containment Chamber in Site-18.

Item Description: A golden "Bengoshi Kisho" attorney's badge of Japan that, When worn, causes the wearer to have an innate urge to show it to everyone they see.
Date of Recovery: 11-01-2022
Location of Recovery: █████ █ Pawn Shop, FL.
Current Status: Attached to a Lanyard in Dr.Laz's Office.
Note: Okay but like, does anyone wanna see it? It's really cool looking and I think you'd like it. -Dr. Laz

Anomalous Items 771 - 780

Item Description: Four Hyalophora Cecropia (North American Cecropia Moth) specimens with intense coloration that will occasionally make canid vocalizations. No other anomalies are present.
Date of Recovery: 03-04-2014
Location of Recovery: A lepidopterid reserve in ██████, CO, U.S.A.
Current Status: 3 specimens have died due to aging. The fourth has been preserved in low-risk cryogenic containment at Site-62, at the object supervisor's request.
Note: The first anomaly I ever worked with. I was the only one who kept any interest in them, so they made me it's supervisor. Sorry to get sentimental on official documentation, but, hey, times are changing. - Dr. Saturn

Item Description: A hairbrush that, when used, infuses positive and soothing messages into the subject's mind, relieving stress and negative thoughts.
Date of Recovery: 1-31-2022
Location of Recovery: The object was put up on sale by Zinnia Reese, age 82. Object was retrieved from ████ Florida at an apartment complex. the former owner made no comment on the entity except that it 'helped her a lot when she was younger', and to 'use it well.'
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A sentient blue exercise ball, capable of mobility by rolling and possessing the personality and intelligence level of a domesticated canine.
Date of Recovery: 7-18-2021
Location of Recovery: Outside a popular gym in New York city. The entity came to life immediately after being bought and inflated, escaping into the streets and causing numerous minor car accidents, as well as confusion among pedestrians. Amnesics were distributed upon recovery.
Current Status: Housed in a low-management containment cell accidentally deflated during a containment breach on 11-03-2021. When re-inflated, the entity showed no signs of life or previous anomalous properties. Reclassified as neutralized and donated to a nearby gym.

Item Description: A white water bottle which contains a mysterious harmless black liquid that tastes like Almond Milk.
Date of Recovery: 2-1-2022
Location of Recovery: A refrigerator in a famous hotel located in Los Angeles, CA. The owner said that its been in there for years and that it has become a "staple" of the hotel.
Current Status: In a vault in Site-██.
Note: My first day in the foundation, and this is the first thing I test on. That Almond taste would forever be in my mouth. - Dr. Rogers

Item Description: A pair of Ray-Bantm nomad sunglasses that, upon any subject's first attempt to wear said sunglasses, causes the subject to involuntarily place the sunglasses on their face upside-down. Previous wearers show no issue wearing them normally on future attempts.
Date of Recovery: 1-28-2022
Location of Recovery: Displayed for sale at an "America's Best Contacts & Eyeglasses" Store in ██████, Texas
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A small painting decapitating a green haired woman sitting in a forest, the woman is leaning her back against a tree while four small winged humanoids flout around her. Several large humanoid creatures can be seen in the background. Upon first viewing the painting all individual will with out exception feel compelled to describe how appealing they find the painting to be, often describing it as “Terrific", "Gorgeous”, “Magnificent”, “Beautiful” and most commonly “Very pretty”.
Date of Recovery: 5-26-2019
Location of Recovery: DATA EXPUNGED
Current Status: Site-01 Storage vault.
Note: It is very pretty. - O5-██

Item Description: A paper mate ink pen that will teleport from its current location at random, usually after at least a week of staying within one place at a time.
Date of Recovery: 10/25/2019
Current Status: Unknown
Note: Sometimes it just appears back at a containment site. We use it as a normal pen since it functions as one, then it disappears again not to be seen for however long.

Item Description: A Juul brand vapor pen with endless vapor juice. The juice flavoring will change at random every hour. An anomalous phenomenon occurs when a subject smokes the Juul and proceeds to tell every person in their surroundings to "F*ck off." Continued smoking will result in the user developing a heavy English accent and continuing to add more profanity to the aforementioned statement. After ceasing smoking, the user will gain the ability to masterfully weld steel when given the proper tools and equipment.
Date of Recovery:8/2/2022
Location of Discovery: Birmingham, United Kingdom
Current Status: Kept in a locked drawer at Site-73
Note: "Is this funny to you?" - Site Assistant Director Desmond

Item Description: Medium-sized analog wall clock with no brand name visible. If the hands are moved so the clock no longer shows the correct time, they will reset themselves. All attempts to prevent them from doing so have met with failure. Those involved in the attempt describe a steadily-increasing level of force acting upon the clock's hands, which rapidly exceeds that which the clock's internal components should be physically capable of generating.
Date of Recovery: 9-2-2022
Location of Recovery: Yard sale in Albuquerque, NM
Current Status: On the wall in Dr. Blanchett's office

Item Description: Plain blue T-shirt, adult size medium. Anyone putting on the shirt will inevitably put it on inside out, not realizing they have done so unless this fact is mentioned by someone else. If the wearer tries to pay close attention while putting on the shirt, some form of random occurrence will break their concentration.
Date of Recovery: 9-2-2022
Location of Recovery: A clothing store in Ontario, Canada
Current Status: In low-value item storage.

Anomalous Items 781 - 790

Item Description: A digital cinema projector. Anytime a movie is projected from it, the viewer(s) will have a strong craving for a stereotypical movie theater food and/or drink.
Date of Recovery: 06-26-2019
Location of Recovery: A movie theater in Boston, MA.
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A large cage, measuring 2m x 2m x 3m. When entered by an individual, the said individual will transform into a non-anomalous house finch (Haemorhous mexicanus). Exiting the cage will not revert the transformation.
Date of Recovery: 21/02/2017
Location of Recovery: An apartment in ██████, California, USA.
Current Status: In anomalous storage.

Item Description: A standard reusable water bottle, filled to the brim with a mixture of water and soap. The bottom of the object is covered in small shards of glass, seaweed and pebbles. The inner sides are lined with rough red fabric. The contents of the bottle are incapable of exiting or being removed. When opened, the object emits a stream of white fog and starts producing a repeated message mostly consisting of incomprehensible gurgling or static.
Date of Recovery: 7/05/2019
Location of Recovery: Washed up on the shores of a deserted beach in Florida, USA, shortly after a storm.
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A Yorkshire Terrier that has a memetic effect that causes individuals to loudly exclaim "Goddammit Zeke" when viewing it for the first time. The subject displays no other anomalous qualities.
Date of Recovery: ██/11/2019
Location of Recovery: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Current Status: In standard animal containment, at Site-70.
Notes: Apparently, it was discovered after it walked into a large crowd of people. Goddammit Zeke. - Dr. Dino

Item Description: A paper and cardboard sign, slightly larger than a standard sheet of printer paper. The word GUILTY has been written on the sign in black permanent marker, in the center of a drawing featuring eyes looking at the viewer with what has been described as judgment and disapproval. The item is a mild cognitohazard; anyone viewing the image will experience feelings of guilt and shame, even if there is no reason for such emotions.
Date of Recovery: 3/3/2022
Location of Recovery: On the wall of a high school principal's office in Camden, NJ.
Current Status: In low-value item storage.
The principal in question claimed to have inherited the item from his immediate predecessor, who is known to have retired in the early 90s. Nobody could remember that sign not being on the wall. Just how long has this thing been right under our noses? - Agent Kevin Popov

Item Description: A keychain featuring an image of the Statue of Liberty that cannot be lost. The most recent person to touch it will know its exact location, regardless of how much distance separates them from it. If it is taken from them by or given to another person, the effect on the second most recent person to touch the item will gradually fade over 12 hours.
Date of Recovery: 9/3/2022
Location of Recovery: Under the counter in an abandoned storefront, Greer, AL.
Current Status: In the possession of Researcher Eileen Jacobs, to counteract her tendency to lose her keys on a fairly regular basis.

Item Description: A collection of thirteen sentient toy soldiers.
Date of Recovery: 31/7/2009
Location of Discovery: In a toy store in Austin, Texas, United States.
Current Status: Stored in a FLAT Facility in Area-21.

Item Description: A waterbed mattress. During the night, if the mattress is filled with water, all frogs in a 50-meter radius will begin to move towards it and attempt to sleep on it, regardless of their normal activity patterns. Frogs wake up and disperse at sunrise. When recovered, deposits of algae and mud were found inside the mattress, indicating it was previously filled with pond or river water.
Date of Recovery: 08/17/2009
Location of Recovery: Yard sale in Winona, Mississippi, United States.
Current Status: Deflated and in storage.

Item Description: A car that completely regenerates itself after being destroyed.
Date of Recovery: 12/1/2004
Location of Recovery: In a junkyard in San Bruno, California, United States.
Current Status: In anomalous storage in Area-21.

Item Description: A collection of four Thompson submachine guns that, when held, human subjects will become deranged and report several auditory hallucinations.
Date of Recovery: 26/2/2005
Location of Recovery: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States.
Current Status: Stored in a FLAT Facility in Area-21.

Anomalous Items 791 - 800

Constituent Descriptional, Anomalous Attribution: Amaranthine tetrapodal, asteroidal filiation. Anthology inhibited, difficulty modulating. Syllabizing tetra-wording, structural additionally.
Antiquated Acquirement, Gregorian Overpreside: 04-04-07
Environment Acquirement, Considerable Accomplishment: Aquarium Alejandro, saturated apparatus.
Customary Environment, Exceptional Variety: Aquamarine biologic saturated apparatus. Circumscription realization Site-62 happenstantial.

Item Description: Human ear, made of plastic, with prongs designed to fit into a standard 120V electrical outlet. Anyone holding the item shows no signs of being affected by loud sounds. The letters AWCY are visible on the outer surface.
Date of Recovery: 3-30-2022
Location of Recovery: Houston, TX
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: An MP3 player that only plays "Fear of the Dark" by Iron Maiden. When subject listens to the song from the item, they develop severe nyctophobia and scopophobia.
Date of Recovery: 05-11-1992
Location of Recovery: ████████, █████
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: Small leather-bound book, written in unknown pictographic language. Any human subject viewing the text becomes convinced that they can decipher it, and immediately searches for things to write with to begin doing so. This is a cognitohazardous effect, and occurs for all subjects regardless of linguistic skill. As long as the book is open to reveal the text and in the subject's line of sight, the effect continues. If the book is closed or removed from line of sight, the effect rapidly wears off over the next 10 seconds.
Date of Recovery: 4-4-2022
Location of Recovery: Secondhand store in Cleveland, OH
Current Status: In storage. In a locked vault.
Note: After several incidents, Dr. Jack Bright is no longer allowed to access this item. However harmless they might appear, anomalous items are not toys. O5-7

Item Description: A standard "Five Star" brand book trapper capable of containing 6 pounds more than its structure would normally be able to hold before breaking.
Date of Recovery: 08-05-2007
Location of Recovery: The state of Minnesota, Saint Paul inside of a southern high school
Current Status: In storage
Notes: All staff are permitted use of the item.

Item Description: A painting depicting a filled wine glass on an abstract background. Attempts to paint over the wine glass will result in no change - the added paint dissipates. Other areas of the painting show no anomalous behavior.
Date of Recovery: 04/03/2022
Location of Recovery: Art studio in ███████, Florida
Current Status: Hung as a decorative piece in Dr. Daniels' office.
Notes: The paint outside of the wine glass is noticeably thicker than the rest. It's likely this was painted over multiple times. - Dr. Daniels

Item Description: Small booklet entitled Learn to Draw the Easy Way. Contains several lessons, all more complex than they appear. Some of the lessons instruct the reader to perform movements either not possible for human anatomy or not possible in three dimensions. Despite this, any reader will become fairly competent at drawing by following the lessons. Impossible techniques will be performed without incident.
Date of Recovery: 16 April 2022
Location of Recovery: Home of Bradley Evans, an art student with suspected connections to several known anartists.
Current Status: In storage.
Note: The owner of the home was not found at the time of recovery, and has been declared a Person of Interest.

Item Description: A hemp rope that ontokinetically transfers the holder to their home during times of distress.
Date of Recovery: 11th May 2022
Location of Recovery: Previously owned by Thomas Ridley of Baltimore, Maryland. Ridley had been using it to reduce his commute home after work.
Current Status: In storage.
Notes: Ridley has been amnestized and given a similar hemp rope.

Item Description: Men's wristwatch, standard size, with no brand information visible. Item keeps far more accurate time than should be possible for a watch with quartz movement, and cannot be lost. If misplaced or left behind by the user, it will anomalously manifest in their possession within the next 3 hours, generally appearing somewhere it will be easily spotted.
Date of Recovery: 13 May 2022
Location of Recovery: In the possession of Jane Watson of Cleveland, Ohio.
Current Status: In the possession of Researcher Somerset.
Note: Ms. Watson was unaware of the properties of the watch, and could not recall precisely how she acquired it, saying only that it was a gift from a former coworker. When questioned about the person in question, she was not able to provide details.

Item Description: Metal sign, white background with black lettering, reading "VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER." When the object is mounted on a vertical surface so the lettering is visible, no one within line of sight can voluntarily perform any hostile action. Testing has revealed that all subjects viewing the sign perceive it as being written in their native language.
Date of Recovery: 16 May 2022
Location of Recovery: Found in a secondhand store in Columbus, OH.
Current Status: In storage.
Note: When questioned, the owner of the store explained that one of his regular pickers had discovered the item abandoned on the side of a road. How it came to be there is unknown.

Anomalous Items 801 - 810

Item Description: Wooden toy in the shape of a duck, with an interior compartment similar to Russian nesting dolls. Opening the duck reveals another duck, only slightly smaller than the first (barely large enough to be noticeably smaller). There does not appear to be any upper limit to the number of ducks inside the original; at the time of writing, 132 ducks have been revealed, with no end in sight.
Date of Recovery: 21 May 2022
Location of Recovery Small, locally owned toy store in Portland, OR
Current Status: Being tested.

Item Description: An 8-page booklet made up of standard 210mm by 297mm printer paper stapled together. Printed in big, bolded, black letters on the front of the booklet is “IDIOT DIES A COUPLE OF SECONDS FROM NOW, READ NOW”. Subjects handling the booklet will express a slight interest to open it from the title; whether this is anomalous or not is undetermined. The remaining pages (save for the back) consist of one large Class-XI memetic hazard that causes instant seizures and death upon viewing.
Date of Recovery: 19th February 2022
Location of Recovery: Oakville Public Library, Oakville, Massachusetts. Found in the library’s magazines section.
Current Status: Stored in an Anomalous Items Locker at Site-19.
Note: Analysis has revealed the phrase “Are We Cool Yet?” written on the back page in invisible ink.

Item Description: A group of seven bananas that makes anyone that is currently touching them immune to aggressive attacks by an aquatic animal. Any contact made by offenders will be completely harmless and painless. The bananas do not decompose.
Date of Recovery: 29-05-2002
Location of Recovery: Stranded in Tagore Beach, Karwar, Karnataka state, Republic of India
Current Status: In possession of MTF-Gamma-6 ("Deep Feeders"), inside equipment storage at Area-46, for use in missions with significantly dangerous entities.
Note: I know there’s a metaphor in here somewhere, I just don’t know what it is. — Cptn. Reynolds

Item Description: One white piece of quartz and one black piece of slate that fit perfectly together and are etched with floral designs. When they are put together an faint ticking sound can be heard, holding these pieces for an extended period of time induces mild memory loss and paranoia.
Date of Recovery: 26-12-2020
Location of Recovery In Researcher Jacob's pocket.
Current Status: In low security storage at Site-19.

Item Description: Sheet of A1 copier/printer paper containing a drawing of the "endless staircase" optical illusion in black marker. This image is a mild cognitohazard that causes affected subjects to doubt whether they are real. Exposure of less than one minute causes the effect to end when line of sight to the hazard is broken, but longer exposure causes the effect to persist.
Date of Recovery: 21 May 2022
Location of Recovery: Found in a photocopier in an abandoned office building, Detroit, MI
Current Status: Being tested.

Item Description: An unmarked 200cm x 100cm x 80cm vending machine stocked exclusively with █████ brand cola. When the machine is out of sight for any length of time it instantly restocks its contents.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2012
Location of Recovery: Outside of a gas station in █████, California
Current Status: Currently resides in staff break room at Site-97
Note: Testing has shown that the cola within the machine is non-anomalous.

Item Description: A singular Chinet brand paper plate smelling of sulfur despite the lack of any material that would cause the item to emit such a scent.
Date of Recovery: 02-05-2021
Location of Recovery: Outside of a Tesco in Sheffield, England
Current Status: Under investigation.
Note: Item was discovered along with the corpse of one Alfred Graveson and a singular 9mm Smith and Wesson revolver, which has shown signs of being recently fired. Any correlation, if any, is currently unknown.

Item Description: A set of matches. Whenever a match is lit, the match flame will be physically impossible to be put out, no matter the current temperature. The match will also be physically impossible to destroy, and the flame won’t burn the lit match.
Date of Recovery: 05-09-20██
Location of Recovery: Retrieved from the remains of a house fire in Brisbane, Australia.
Current Status: Unlit matches locked in a padlocked safe in storage. Lit matches stored separately in a fireproof container.
Note: There is going to be serious consequences for anyone who uses these matches to light anything. I don’t want another researcher to cause a fire for the 3rd time. Half of our personnel are already getting damn medical attention! Site Director of Site-██

Item Description: A walking stick. Anyone holding the walking stick will experience painful back pain, causing them to bend over until they stop holding the walking stick.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2022
Location of Recovery: ████ Retirement Home, United Kingdom
Current Status: Damaged with an axe by Junior Researcher ████ after holding it. Anomalous properties didn’t occur after it was damaged.
Notice: Destroying anomalous items without appropriate permission is a major violation of Foundation policy. See that this does not occur again. - Site Director █████ █████

Item Description: A large television. It is completely impossible to change the channel or turn off the television, and it will only broadcast episodes of South Park. Volume can be changed.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██
Location of Recovery: Senior Researcher █████’s apartment in Los Angeles, United States.
Current Status: Inside Site-██’s break room.
Notes:There has been no records of the TV playing South Park: Bigger, Longer Uncut

Anomalous Items 811 - 820

物品描述: 中国国旗的图画。 任何谈论它的人都会用中文说话和写作。
回收日期: 07/04/20██
回收地点: 丹佛。 美国
当前状态: 存储中

Item Description: A small wooden bucket. The bucket teleports to a random place on Earth every 24 hours. If any living species touches it, it will also teleport.
Date of Recovery: ██/03/██17
Location of Recovery: Site-17 Site ██ — —Site 19 Warsaw, Poland Bangkok, Thailand Area ██ Moscow, Russia Auckland, New Zealand Dallas, United States Floating in the Indian Ocean Entrance to SCP-3008 Zurich, Switzerland Currently Missing.
Current Status: Unknown
Note: We’re cancelling the search of this item BECAUSE THIS FUCKING THING KEEPS DISAPPEARING All personnel are reminded to disregard this item if it is ever sighted. -Dr Ile

Item Description: A stone statue of Kim Jong-il. Human subjects who view the statue will feel a sense of patriotism toward North Korea and feel a sense of hatred toward Japan and South Korea. Human subjects will also develop an interest in North Korean history and military.
Date of Recovery: 18-05-2018
Location of Recovery: Incheon, South Korea
Current Status: Stored in Anomalous Item's Locker at Area-21.

Item Description: A brandless yellow and black measuring tape. The tape can be pulled infinitely and testing has shown that the object can extend as far as 5.6km.
Date of Recovery: 17-03-2015
Location of Recovery: Dallas, United States
Current Status: Stored in Anomalous Item's Locker at Area-21.

Item Description: A rainbow-colored Spongebob plush. Human subjects who touch the plush will view all solid objects rainbow-colored for a 24-hour period.
Date of Recovery: 01-06-2021
Location of Recovery: Tallahassee, United States
Current Status: Stored in Anomalous Item's Locker at Area-21.

Item Description: One Santa Hat. Human subjects who wear the hat will begin to hear the song "Feliz Navidad" by José Feliciano on repeat until the hat has been removed.
Date of Recovery: 11-04-2013
Location of Recovery: Madrid, Spain
Current Status: Stored in Anomalous Item's Locker at Area-21.

Item Description: A pair of golden earrings. Once a human subject wears the earrings, they will experience feelings of euphoria, the feelings will cease once the object has been taken away from the subject.
Date of Recovery: 13-08-2005
Location of Recovery: Inside a Jewelry store in Bologna, Italy
Current Status: Stored in Anomalous Item's Locker at Area-21.

Item Description: Sealed envelope, of an appropriate size for a medium-sized greeting card. The sender's address is in the state of Deseret, a state proposed by the Church of Latter-Day Saints in 1849 that never came to exist, and the recipient's address is in the state of Transylvania, the creation of which was rejected by the first Continental Congress. The object displays no anomalous properties outside the impossibility of its existence.
Date of Recovery: 6-6-2022
Location of Recovery: Outside a postal sorting center in Kansas City, MO
Current Status: In storage.
Note: Investigation with various scanning devices indicates that the envelope contains a standard birthday card, of the type that can be purchased nearly anywhere.

Item Description: Motorola-brand smartphone, uncertain model. It appears to have been reset to factory defaults shortly before recovery. The phone will ring at random intervals, generally between two and eight times a week. If answered by a human being (hereafter referred to as the subject), an unidentified male voice will ask for a first name that never matches anyone known to the subject. If the subject hands the phone to another person to have them pretend to be that person, the caller will announce that he dialed the wrong number and end the call, usually within 5-10 seconds. The same will occur if the subject asks for more clarification, such as "[name] who?" or admits they don't know anyone by that name. The caller's number is never stored in the phone, even as a private number. In all other respects, it seems non-anomalous.
Date of Recovery: 16-6-2022
Location of Recovery: Abandoned on a park bench in Columbus, OH
Current Status: Being tested.
Note:/Even though it does work as a normal phone, anomalous items are not to be used without permission except during testing, even if you forgot your phone and need to make an important call. — Director Johansen

Item Description: A metal cheese grater that is apparently capable of grating any solid material, including wood, rock, and metal.
Date of Recovery: 06/04/2019
Location of Recovery: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, U.S.A.
Current Status: In storage.

Anomalous Items 821 - 830

Item Description: A tricorn hat with a skull and crossbones design on its front. Causes its wearer to involuntarily speak in a stereotypical "pirate accent".
Date of Recovery: 09/19/2021
Location of Recovery: East Hampton, NY, U.S.A.
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: An image that, when viewed, is recognized by all observers as "the true lesbian flag". It is recognized as such even by individuals with minimal knowledge relating to lesbian or queer subcultures.
Date of Recovery: 04/26/2022
Location of Recovery: Mytilene, Greece
Current Status: Printed instances are in storage. Sharing of digital instances is disallowed.
Note: Do we really have to contain this one? I'm just saying, I think it could solve more problems than it'd cause. - Dr. Adler

Item Description: A notebook describing a thaumaturgic ritual that allows the practioner to sneeze with the force of a fired 12-gauge shell. The ritual only needs to be done once, and users can trigger it at will by [LEVEL 3 ACCESS REQUIRED].
Date of Recovery: 30-6-22
Location of Recovery: Recovered from a raid on a (non-anomalous) gang in Surabaya, Indonesia. How they acquired the item is unknown.
Current Status: In storage.
Note: Potential use for field agents and MTF members is under consideration.

Item Description: Several rolls of damp tickets redeemable at any arcade. When used, prizes will be wet. All prizes received will be functional despite this.
Date of Recovery: 5-7-22
Location of Recovery: In an abandoned storage locker from Norwood, MA.
Current Status: In storage.
Note: Play wet games, win wet prizes? - Dr. Zerda

Item Description: A small pebble, seemingly igneous in origin, that whispers quietly while being observed. The speech stops near instantly when line of sight is broken. Upon further investigation, the cryptic whispering is merely historical facts in a thick southern drawl. The rock seems to be aware of current affairs and important events as time passes.
Date of Recovery: 2-8-1997
Location of Recovery: A small crater-like formation in southwestern Nevada.
Current Status: In storage.
Note: Hey, y'all. Did'ja know that Polish soldiers adopted a dag brown bear they found at a train station down in Iran? They enlisted 'em as a private and promoted 'em to corporal in order to pay for the little feller's snacks and transportin'?

Item Description: An unlabeled medical blood bag that possesses similar properties to modelling clay, allowing it to be sculpted into various shapes of varying complexity. This anomalous quality is lost when no human blood is contained in the object.
Date of Recovery: 16-01-2010
Location of Recovery: LoI-6829, AWCY? affiliated warehouse, Bocholt, Germany
Current Status: In possession by the Medical Division.

Item Description: Digital camera. Item testing indicates the camera is not sensitive to electronic disturbances, unlike conventional digital cameras.
Date of Recovery: 6-22-2022
Location of Recovery: Residence of █████ █████ Colorado, United States
Current Status: Anomaly Storage Locker, Site-19 Various Records Departments
Note: Usefulness of this item has lead it to be used to document many SCPs that could not be photographed by digital cameras due to their ability to disrupt electronics directly, or indirectly.
Note: personnel at the current site of the camera are free to use it, so long as they use film provided by themselves.
No personnel may use this camera without prior approval by the Director of Record Keeping at the location the camera is currently at, due to an incident caused by Dr. ██████████, when he used SCP-038 to duplicate large quantities of Kodak Ektachrome film for use in the camera, as well as to sell. Dr. Klein adamantly opposes using SCP-038 for personal gain. Anomalous properties still appear in film created by SCP-038 when put into camera, further testing for official purposes may be conducted. – Dr. █████

Item Description: Magic 8-Ball toy, seemingly brand-new. Rather than the typical selection of vaguely unhelpful answers available in most such toys, this item's answers tend to be relevant and, if asked a question with a definite answer, usually correct (~85% reliability).
Date of Recovery: 28 June 2022
Location of Recovery: Lost and found area of a daycare in Columbus, OH.
Note: No one at the daycare can remember anyone bringing in such an item, claiming that it'd been there for quite some time. Answers vary between a few days to a few months. Surveillance video is being reviewed, but has yet to reveal anything unusual. - Agent Waterson

Item Description: Vantablack crayon with no signs of usage. Anomalous effects unknown.
Date of Recovery: 10/31/2014
Location of Recovery: Discovered on top of a lunch table at Site-19's cafeteria, placed over a piece of torn paper. Crudely written on it with ball point ink were the following words:


Containment: The item is currently positioned at the local of it's discovery. A single guard scouts the area around the table. No subject is allowed to interact with the item under any circumstances.
Note: There's 50% chance that this is a practical joke and 50% it's not. We're not willing to find out. - Doctor Finsh

Item Description: A physical manifestation of the word "The", with all semantic and pragmatic connotations present.
Date of Recovery Creation: 27-02-2015
Location of Recovery Creation: Site-33 (Department of Miscommunications European Headquarters)
Current Status: Used as an introductory anomaly for new members of the department.
Notes: Try to take the view in stride, it may seem like a lot at first, but this isn't anything yet. - Director Eli Forkely

Anomalous Items 831 - 840

Item Description: A packet of standard metal scissors still contained within their plastic packaging. The packaging is marked with an 'EZ-Open!' sticker on the front. Despite this, any attempt to open the plastic to retrieve the scissors has failed.
Date of Recovery: 03-10-2019
Location of Recovery: In a ██████ supermarket in ███████, Ohio, United States
Current Status: Resides in storage the MTF locker room in Site-19
Note: Often used as a pranking/hazing device by MTF squads when inducting new members.

Item Description: A wooden puppet resembling a feline, painted black with yellow dots for eyes, that is capable of autonomous movement, and is seemingly sapient. Item will commonly attempt to walk a full circle around nearby individuals, and if said individual(s) walk over an area where it traversed, the individual will be killed by seemingly coincidental events at a random point between then and the next week.
Date of Recovery: 03-10-2019
Location of Recovery: Item was recovered from a cardboard box in an abandoned warehouse, found in a box with the phrase 'Lost & Found' written on it's side; the phrase 'From the Factory' can be seen on the bottom of its hind right foot.
Note: The Decommissioning Department has submitted a request to use this anomaly on any 'living' anomalies they might be having trouble with; This request is still pending.

Item Description A small package of [REDACTED] brand chocolates, contents exceed what could normally be contained within it. More than █,000 pieces of chocolate have been recorded being removed from the package.
Date of Recovery: 11-23-2017
Location of Recovery: In ███████ ███████'s grocery store, Portland, Oregon.
Current Status: Made available in Site-32's cafeteria to all personnel.

Item Description: A set of seven square metal tiles, each measuring 5 m by 5 m. Six of the seven tiles are marked with one of the egocentric coordinates (up, down, left, right, forward, backward). Whenever any solid or liquid matter is placed on one of the tiles, it will experience a shift in gravitational pull towards the related geometric orientation relative to the reference frame of the tile (ex. a rock placed on the tile marked “up” will begin to fall upwards relative to the orientation of the tile at that time). The seventh tile also appears to be marked with an unidentified word; viewers note the word as being in English, but will be unable to describe the exact spelling or meaning of it. Matter placed upon the seventh tile will begin to behave erratically, twitching in place, distorting, experiencing spontaneous color and shading fluctuations, and creating high-pitch audio soundwaves and spatial [DATA EXPUNGED] before instantaneously demanifesting from reality. Observers describe the process as the matter 'glitching out of reality'.
Date of Recovery: 08-23-1984
Location of Recovery: Abandoned warehouse in ████████, Russia. Engraved onto the wall of the warehouse via a sharp implement was ‘I’M SORRY. I NEEDED TO KNOW. I NEEDED TO SEE [unintelligible]. [unintelligible] LURKING OUTSIDE OF REALITY, IT SEES [unintelligible] THERE ARE DIRECTIONS THAT SHOULD NOT EXIST.’
Current Status: Standard containment chamber at Dimensional Site-62 Facility E. Testing is restricted prohibited per Dir. Balakrishnan.
Note: Further investigation has revealed that testing times for tile 7 coincided with various abnormal phenomena, including increased insomnia rates, increased rates of broadcast interruptions, and greater levels of missing persons reports being filed. Significance of this is unknown.

Item Description: A queen-sized bed. Any living thing that lays down onto the bed will automatically fall asleep and wake up after a period of 7-8 hours.
Date of Recovery: 4/05/2022
Location of Recovery: Retrieved from a house party in Toronto, Canada. The owner was given a replacement bed.
Current Status: In storage
Notes: Personnel are restricted from using this bed when off-duty. “I can’t sleep” is not a valid excuse and anybody caught sleeping on the bed will face consequences. -Site Director █████

Item Description: A 1945 army field shovel. When someone is hit hard enough with the shovel the subsequent bruise left is in the shape of a fish as if a child had drawn it.
Date of recovery: 21-04-1999
Location of Recovery: Ardennes forest, Belgium
Current Status: In storage
Note: Personnel is to note that no matter how funny this effect is, hitting someone in the face can cause permanent damage. - Dr. J.H.N. Hollister, Head of SCPF Medical department

Item Description: A downloaded episode of Breaking Bad. Any individual who views at least 30 seconds of the episode will repeatedly talk about the show Breaking Bad at any time or location. The effect is removed if the individual views any other show/film
Date of Recovery: 3/06/2016
Location of Recovery: Downloaded into a computer at Site-5 Site-11.
Current Status: The episode was removed from the computer via USB. The USB was placed into storage.
Note: There is no Site-5

Item Description: A ballpoint pen that will always dispense ink, even if the ink chamber is empty.
Date of Recovery: 3-18-2018
Location of Recovery: Recovered from the residence of ███████ █████████, identified as a member of the GOI Gamers Against Weed
Current Status: In Storage.

Item Description: A note with ••|•••••|••’s designation written on it. Despite having no anomalous properties, the note has never been stolen by ••|•••••|••. It is unknown to how this note was written, and unknown to who wrote this. Investigation is currently underway.
Date of Recovery: 24/06/2022
Location of Recovery: Site-███
Current Status: Under investigation by Senior Researcher ██████
Note: Under investigation my ass. He is clearly hiding it from the 05s. -Senior Researcher ███

Item Description: A Discord account with the username meatball2000#7500. Despite the account having no anomalous properties, the account has over 200 IP addresses logged in, located at different coordinates along Earth, with 40 coordinates located in outer space. Foundation agents were dispatched to these locations on Earth, while Foundation satellites tried to detect any signs of this user in outer space. Both methods had failed to locate the user’s real identity. This account is unable to be deleted or controlled by any means.
Date of Recovery: 4/█/2019
Location of Recovery: Account’s username was recovered from the social media platform 4chan, whereas a user doxxed 4 accounts with this one getting doxxed. The 4chan user shared the account’s various locations on 4chan, asking for information about this account. Foundation web-crawlers deleted the post and investigated the account.
Current Status: The account is not yet deleted and still active to this day.
Note: We did further research and found out that each of these IP addresses change location at a random time. We’re making a decision on whether to interview this account or keep trying to delete it. -Senior Researcher ████

Anomalous Items 841 - 850

Item Description: Small stud earring, made of sterling silver. If worn by a human being, the wearer will occasionally hear voices conversing in an unknown language. Testing by those skilled in linguistics has revealed that the language bears no similarities to any known languages.
Date of Recovery: 7/7/2022
Location of Recovery: Among the possessions of a man who died in a skydiving accident.
Current Status: Being tested.
Note:Investigation revealed that the former owner appears to have been in regular contact with members of Are We Cool Yet? -Junior Researcher Santiago

Item Description: Metal flashlight similar to those sold for camping purposes. Any compatible bulb used in the flashlight will never burn out or even experience loss of brightness, regardless of how long it is used. Batteries wear out as normal.
Date of Recovery:7/7/2022
Location of Recovery: Abandoned campsite in Yosemite National Park
Current Status: Available for use by Site 67 personnel in the event of a power outage.

Item Description: A 1970s Grand Piano. Anybody playing the piano will be extremely talented at playing the piano, regardless of experience or knowledge of pianos.
Date of Recovery: 9/03/2016
Location of Recovery: A museum in London, United Kingdom.
Current Status: In the break room at Site 23.

Item Description: A green tent. If an individual sleeps in the tent, another tent will manifest at Main Range National Park, Australia. The individual will wake up in the manifested tent. This can be reversed if the individual sleeps in the manifested tent.
Date of Recovery: 3/05/2021
Location of Recovery: Main Range National Park, Queensland, Australia.
Current Status: In storage. A note has been put in the tent reminding all personnel about the effects of this tent.

Item Description: A green 2010 Honda civic. If the vehicle is left unattended for at least an hour, the vehicle will teleport itself to the nearest untaken parking spot. If parking meters are present, it will appear to already be paid. Effect does not occur if already in a parking spot.
Date of Recovery: 7/08/2014
Location of Recovery: Recovered from the social media platform Reddit. The owner, now designated PoI-6395, was selling it for $11.000 USD. Foundation agents traced it to Chicago, US.
Current Status: In the parking lot at Site-19. Vehicle keys are currently in the hands of Junior Researcher ████.
Note: We found out that PoI-6395 is a member of GoI-507 ‘Gamers Against Weed’

Item Description: A bottle of L████████-brand mouthwash that, when placed upon a hardwood floor, will rise 0.5 meters above the floor and hover there. It otherwise behaves as if it is resting on a floor normally, able to be picked up, knocked over, and kicked around. Object behaves normally if placed on a floor made of a different material.
Date of Recovery: 31/03/2019
Location of Recovery: A house in Nederland, Colorado, USA. Residents amnesticized.
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A single banknote of indeterminable origin, which is invariably identified as a "Schmeventeen dollar bill" by any and all personnel under the age of 47. Due to a technicality in international law, this bill is considered legal tender in all countries. Its value ranges between 63 cents and 2.7 trillion USD, seemingly at random. Additionally, this value tends to average out to roughly 47.032 USD. Once used to purchase anything, it will be returned as change in its entirety.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-████
Location of Recovery: █████, a defunct bank located in ████, Norway
Current Status: Kept in site-██ for use as supplemental funding

Item Description: A small cardboard box, superficially resembling a Random Access Memory Dual in-line Memory Module (known colloquially as a "stick of RAM"), marked with the phrase "f1ften gigglebyte fiv3 doler ram" [sic] in permanent marker. Provides any computer it is placed within an additional petabyte of Random Access Memory through anomalous means, with no apparent adverse affects.
Date of Recovery: 05/15/2004
Location of Recovery: Located within the permanent archives of Foundation Precursor-██, █████. Notably, records indicate it was initially recovered sometime in the early fourteenth century, long before the conception of modern computing.
Current Status: Integrated with international SCiPnet servers.

Item Description: A single 80-kilobyte floppy disk, anomalously containing the 1998 film "Webmaster" in its entirety, despite hardware limitations. The disk is otherwise entirely mundane.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2016
Location of Recovery: The personal film collection of deceased Foundation Researcher █████ Sylvestar, along with 21 other copies of the film on various data storage mediums, both anomalous and mundane.
Current Status: Shipped to storage.

Item Description: What appears to be a DVD case for the 1998 film "Webmaster", containing a small cube of unknown origin. The cube is speculated to be an unknown form of data storage, containing the 1998 film "Webmaster" in its entirety.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2016
Location of Recovery: The personal film collection of deceased Foundation Researcher █████ Sylvestar, along with 21 other copies of the film on various data storage mediums, both anomalous and mundane.
Current Status: Shipped to storage.

Anomalous Items 851 - 860

Item Description: A single unmarked CD-ROM disc with apparently unlimited storage space. All data stored on the disc is lost through apparently non-anomalous corruption within 20 seconds of download, except for audio-visual data containing the 1998 film "Webmaster" in its entirety, and nothing else.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2016
Location of Recovery: The personal film collection of deceased Foundation Researcher █████ Sylvestar, along with 21 other copies of the film on various data storage mediums, both anomalous and mundane.
Current Status: Shipped to storage.
Note: Recovered mundane copies of the 1998 film "Webmaster" have been distributed across multiple foundation sites for recreational use. -Senior Researcher █████

Item Description: What appears to be a single flash drive made entirely of human skin, hair and teeth, containing the 1998 film "Webmaster" in its entirety. Analysis has confirmed that the organic matter comprising the device shares DNA with O5-██, O5-██, Senior Researcher █████, and Former United States President Barrack Obama.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2016
Location of Recovery: The personal film collection of deceased Foundation Researcher █████ Sylvestar, along with 21 other copies of the film on various data storage mediums, both anomalous and mundane.
Current Status: Destroyed.

Item Description: A large bag containing an unidentified fine white dust, superficially resembling cocaine hydrochloride. Testing has revealed that inhalation or intravenous injection of small quantities of this substance result in the subject hallucinating the 1998 film "Webmaster" in its entirety. Larger doses result in hallucinating the film on repeat. D-Class introduced to doses which would be fatal with mundane cocaine hydrochloride are observed to continue brain function long after all other organs have ceased function. It is speculated that they are still watching "Webmaster" on repeat.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2016
Location of Recovery: The personal film collection of deceased Foundation Researcher █████ Sylvestar, along with 21 other copies of the film on various data storage mediums, both anomalous and mundane.
Current Status: Shipped to ███████.

Item Description: A single "Etch and Sketch" children's toy, dated to 1973, which, when shaken, plays an approximation of the 1998 film "Webmaster" in its entirety through the movement of the aluminum powder coating the screen. Any and all attempts to interfere with this process have failed.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2016
Location of Recovery: The personal film collection of deceased Foundation Researcher █████ Sylvestar, along with 21 other copies of the film on various data storage mediums, both anomalous and mundane.
Current Status: Shipped to storage.

Item Description: A light switch inset into a small box (10cm x 5cm x 2cm) and not connected to a wall. When switched to the "on" or "off" position, all the light sources in the room it is present in are affected. When these light sources are already on, the bulbs will be blown out, regardless of make.
Date of Recovery: ██-09-2015
Location of Recovery: In a photography studio, where it was being used as a prank in order to turn lights on and off at inopportune moments in various photoshoots.
Current Status: In storage at Site-19

Item Description: A singular CRT television that only shows the Cartoon Network anime-focused section "Toonami". Despite both "Cartoon Network" and "Adult Swim" also appearing on this channel, the connection will terminate for both until the previously noted section begins airing.
Date of Recovery: 8/5/2021
Location of Recovery: On the recently returned Foundation Starship "Journey" holding one Dr. Reuben Westley
Current Status: In storage In the possession of Dr. Reuben Westley.

Item Description: Black wool watch cap, no manufacturing information or branding visible. When worn, the wearer will hear an unidentified female voice commenting on the wearer's actions and choices. The voice is generally polite and interested, even when the wearer is performing completely mundane tasks.
Date of Recovery: 22 August 2022
Location of Recovery: Found on a park bench in Central Park, NYC, NY
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A phonograph wax cylinder recording the song "In My Merry Oldsmobile", produced in 1907. After it was accidentally damaged in 2018, the repaired cylinder subsequently only play songs related to the 1999 animated series SpongeBob Squarepants. Further restoration attempts only resulted in different songs.
Date of Recovery: 11-07-2020
Location of Recovery: Acquired from a private collector. Subject has been amnesticized.
Current Status: In storage.
Note: The cylinder currently plays the song "Sponge Bob"2 by Egyptian musician Hamada Helal.

Item Description: A collection of twelve (12) two-legged white-colored lamps that will immediately break upon physical contact with a human being. Item lacks any discernible details that indicate branding or manufacturers.
Date of Recovery: 12-07-2020
Location of Recovery: [REDACTED], Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Current Status: Contained at Locker-83, Low-Value Item Storage, Research Site-37.

Item Description: Three (3) RCMP Mountie hats. When worn by a human, they will be convinced that they are a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Date of Recovery: 12-07-2020
Location of Recovery: [REDACTED], Surrey, British Columbia, Canada
Current Status: Contained at Locker-36, Low-Value Item Storage, Armed Area-23.

Anomalous Items 861 - 870

Item Description: One (1) two-meter statue constructed from iron depicting a nude male humanoid. Individuals who view the object will begin to rapidly age until they appear to be 70 years of age.
Date of Recovery: ██-07-2020
Location of Recovery: [REDACTED], Toledo, Cebu, Philippines
Current Status: Contained at a Type-B Low-Risk Object Containment Cell 37, Low-Value Item Storage, Research Site-126

Item Description: A simple machine constructed out of wood and iron with a singular red crank on its side. On the top of the item rests a small bowl filled with soil. Once the items crank has been rotated approximately thirty times a singular 100USD bill will begin to manifest out of the soil. Item has been opened to reveal that no actual currency lies within it, instead, there is a singular silver plaque reading "Money don't grow on trees ~P.B.S"
Date of Recovery: 02-05-2004
Location of Recovery: An abandoned studio apartment in SoHo, Manhatten. Along with several various anomalous artifacts signed in a similar manner.
Current Status: In storage. Under investigation, see file AO-32113-DFT.

Item Description: Thirty (30) SweeTARTS cherry lollipops. Any biological matter that comes into direct contact with the anomaly will be instantaneously transformed into the materials that comprise the item.
Date of Recovery: 06-04-2018
Location of Recovery: [REDACTED], Austin, Texas, United States
Current Status: Contained at Locker-07, Low-Value Item Storage, Containment Site-124.

Item Description: One (1) pair of red sandals. When worn, the subject will suddenly develop a severe case of Pseudobulbar Affect (PBA).
Date of Recovery: 16-11-2021
Location of Recovery: GoI-142 warehouse, Sendai, Miyagi Prefecture, Tohoku, Japan
Current Status: Neutralized following Armed Area-98 Fail-Safe incident (See Incident-FS-A98 for more information).

Item Description: One (1) FV4034 Challenger 2 tank. Once every two (2) hours, the anomaly will translocate to the nearest individual of English descent. Once it arrives at a new location, a male humanoid entity will emerge out of the tank and will exclaim the phrase, "God save the Queen".
Date of Recovery: 14-04-2009
Location of Recovery: [REDACTED], Belfast, Ulster, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom
Current Status: Decommissioned.

Item Description: One (1) Smith & Wesson 686 revolver. When a human subject makes direct contact with the item, they will feel an instantaneous urge to pull the trigger.
Date of Recovery: 19-06-2015
Location of Recovery: In Containment Area-72's Task Force armory
Current Status: Contained at Locker-03, Low-Value Item Storage, Containment Area-72.

Item Description: Blue ink pen, visually similar to several popular brands of ballpoint pens. Can be written with normally, but words are misspelled at random but fairly regular intervals. The user will fail to notice this fact even upon review; testing indicates this is caused by a mild antimemetic effect. Replacing the ink in the pen does not alter the anomalous effect.
Date of Recovery: 9-9-2022
Location of Recovery: Home of a student believed to have connections to the Group of Interest Are We Cool Yet?
Current Status: In low-value item storage.
Note: A proposition to test this item with a subject possessing very poor spelling skills is currently under review. - Researcher Somerset

Item Description: A whiteboard that can only be drawn on with bodily fluids.
Date of Recovery: 7-09-2013
Location of Recovery: An elementary school in ██████.
Current Status: In storage at Site 55
Note: How did that class even find out about the item's anomalous properties? I'm slightly concerned about that. - Researcher Emmeline Hayes

Item Description: A bread toaster with numerous metal cutleries crudely inserted in its slots submerged in a porcelain bathtub. Object acts like a personal computer, drawing power from the toaster's cable while input/output devices can be connected to it by immersing their respective connectors in the water.
Date of Recovery: 07-03-1998
Location of Recovery: Private residence in Jakarta, Indonesia.
Current Status: In storage at Site-115.
Note: The object's creator was a computer dealer who went bankrupt during the 1997 Asian financial crisis. The object was found along with a large number of books on the subject of wide area network engineering. Subject or its remains have yet to be located.

Anomalous Items 871 - 880

Item Description: A pair of Ray-BanTM prescription glasses that when worn, temporarily blinds the user, as well as inducing a mild state of paranoia. Effects last approximately 2 hours.
Date of Recovery: 13-10-2015
Location of Recovery: A school in Anchorage, Alaska.
Current Status: Stored in a secure locker in Site 10B.

Item Description: A pair of white-yellow 1979 Adidas Forest Hill sneakers. Individuals wearing the left shoe consistently report that they feel a pebble inside it, even when the shoe is demonstrably empty. In contrast, wearers of the right shoe will not feel any external objects inserted into the shoe, including pebbles, stones, sand, needles, razor blades, ██████ and ███████. The wearers can still be injured or killed by the contents of the shoe, but they will not feel pain or discomfort as long as they are wearing the item.
Date of Recovery: 25-11-2013
Location of Recovery: Anomalous shop "Sports and Outdoor Lovers Unlimited", Prague, Czech Republic
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A blue-green-white pair of sneakers from an unknown brand called "Superiorrity" [sic]. The shoes were accompanied by a sheet of paper advertising them as "The newestest innovation! Made from most expert scientists! Superiorrity will make you leader and you will touch sky!" When both shoes are worn, the left leg's movements are considerably accelerated (up to ~ 120km/h) while the right leg's movements remain normal.
Date of Recovery: 25-11-2013
Location of Recovery: Anomalous shop "Sports and Outdoor Lovers Unlimited", Prague, Czech Republic
Current Status: In storage.
Note: Testing has been suspended after several serious injuries.

Item Description: A Hillberg Keron tunnel tent. The inside of the tent experiences precipitation of 45mm per day. Water appears to materialize at the top of the tent and dematerialize once reaching the floor.
Date of Recovery: 25-11-2013
Location of Recovery: Anomalous shop "Sports and Outdoor Lovers Unlimited", Prague, Czech Republic
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A blue-yellow 1984 Invicta Jolly Top Fluo backpack. The item was accompanied by a sheet of paper advertising it as "Infinite zaino! The lattest inovation in transport and logistic for vacation! Can store infinite amounts from your camping equipment!" Items inserted into the backpack dematerialize and reappear in a garbage dump in San Vitaliano (outskirts of Naples, Italy).
Date of Recovery: 25-11-2013
Location of Recovery: Anomalous shop "Sports and Outdoor Lovers Unlimited", Prague, Czech Republic
Current Status: In storage.
Note: Well, I guess at least now we know where their garbage disposal problem stems from. - Junior Researcher Ramírez

Item Description: A DVD copy of the 2004 film "The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie". After it was partially damaged by scratching, the object subsequently only plays the 1903 film "The Great Train Robbery".
Date of Recovery: 11-07-2010
Location of Recovery: Acquired from a private collector. Subject has been amnesticized.
Current Status: In storage.
Note: Secondary anomalous effect was discovered in 20-06-2011 where subjects who viewed the object to completion will become fully convinced that "The Great Train Robbery" is an official part of the SpongeBob Squarepants media franchise despite of its age.

Item Description: A human heart shaped like a heart symbol ideograph.
Date of Recovery: 07-07-2002
Location of Recovery: Acquired following an autopsy on the corpse of former American voice actor Mel Blanc, who voiced multiple known Looney Tunes characters.
Current Status: In storage.
Note: "That's all folks! Thanks to all of you for those amazing moments." is written on the surface of the heart.

Item Description: A loose computer keyboard key with the number "6" printed on it. Pressing or squeezing the key causes computers and calculators in a range of up to 15 meters to register a keystroke corresponding to the character "6". Smartphones will register a press of the "Home" key, instead.
Date of Recovery: 25-11-1982
Location of Recovery: █████ offshore platform (Pacific)
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A (possibly) infinite Matryoshka doll. So far 231,017 smaller dolls have been extracted from it. Although each subsequent doll is smaller than its predecessor, the smallest current doll will always measure 0.35cm.
Date of Recovery: 25-11-1956
Location of Recovery: Private residence in Krasnojarsk (Soviet Union).
Current Status: In storage.

Anomalous Items 881 - 890

Item Description: An aluminium avocado amplifying and accelerating alliterative anomalies.
Date of Recovery: 25-11-1929
Location of Recovery: An abandoned arboretum (Annaba, Algeria)
Current Status: At area A-43.

Item Description: A half-empty tube of mayonnaise containing abstract concepts like "redemption" and "finesse". Concepts are material and can be consumed. Test subjects describe their taste as mayonnaise-like.
Date of Recovery: 25-11-1975
Location of Recovery: Restaurant in Tepatepec (Mexico)
Current Status: Locker at Site-19's Cafeteria A.

Item Description A door-frame that changes size so the person walking through will always hit their head on the top.
Date of Recovery: 9-23-1954
Location of Recovery: A factory located in Yorkshire, England
Current Status: Destroyed 1 month and 13 days after recovery.
Notes: Presumed to be destroyed by a factory worker after they had hit their head on it multiple times in one day.

Item Description: Non-memetic crayons. They will certainly not change the background of written text to a rainbow-colored gradient and appear to not have an effect that modifies information about them. Ingestion leads to fun!
Date of Recovery: 01/01/1999
Location of Recovery: Toys “R” Us, Birmingham (United Kingdom)
Current Status: Secure Storage at Site-19

Item Description: A 10-megaton nuclear device codenamed "Steven". When activated instead of detonating as expected, the device would generate approximately ten million (10,000,000) tons of hamburgers3 in a 3 kilometer radius.
Date of Recovery: 09-10-1953
Location of Recovery: Bikini Atoll, Marshall Islands, Trust Territory of the Pacific Islands
Current Status: All subjects involved in the original test amnesticized. All documents related to the test confiscated from the US military, and on the record "Castle Bravo" became the third nuclear test conducted on the islands.

Item Description: A cassette tape that constantly says Dr. Baird’s current thoughts in his voice. The cassette cannot be taken out.
Date Of Recovery: 9/10/2019
Location Of Recovery: Dr. Baird’s office when he was recording notes on his cassette until it randomly gained its anomalous properties.
Current Status: In a soundproof case within Dr. Baird’s office.

Item Description: A titanium bicycle frame and a cable combination lock. Several thaumaturgic sigils of Daevite origin have been inscribed on both in permanent marker; due to their influence, the objects are effectively indestructible and cannot be broken or disassembled in any way.
Date Of Recovery: 10/10/2022
Location Of Recovery: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Current Status: Despite initially being contained in situ at the location of discovery, a reapportioning of Area-179's budget to allow for more effective containment of Anomalous Objects allowed for the clandestine extraction of the section of sidewalk upon which the bicycle stand to which the objects are locked is bolted. The pavement and the bicycle stand, frame and lock are currently stored in a warehouse at Area-179; sometime between the object's initial discovery and its extraction, both of its wheels were stolen.

Item Description: An orange (scientific name citrus sinensis) which, within 10 seconds, reappears within 4 m of the most recent location it was destroyed. Anyone who knows about it is incapable of remembering any location it has ever been in unless they are actively looking at it. Eating the orange provides no nutritional value and the orange adds no mass to anything it is placed upon. It tastes like a non anomalous orange but cannot be identified via scent. Machine learning algorithms have been used to identify some of its properties, as it does not appear to anomalously affect footage taken of it. Photons in general also appear unaffected. While cooled to at 4 degrees C or below, decay is unable to occur indefinitely.
Date Of Recovery: 1/24/2021
Location Of Recovery: Unknown.
Current Status: In a refrigerator, somewhere. Consult the file in Unit-9305 of Area-256 for further information. The orange is to be monitored at all times by a camera observing the refrigerator.
Notes: Keep it out of the cafeteria, please.

Item Description: Metal coin, made of bronze. One side of the coin shows an instrument similar to a violin surrounded by symbols in an unidentified language; the other shows the head of a rabbit, staring directly at the viewer. No indication of a date of manufacture could be located, but testing of the metal reveals that it was forged sometime between 1450 and 1482 CE.
Date of Recovery: 12/12/2021
Location of Recovery: A secondhand store in Seattle, WA
Current Status: In storage.
Note: The store's owner had recently inherited the store and all inventory from a relative, and was unaware of the coin's provenance. Strangely, available inventory records had no indication of the coin ever being acquired. The owner suggested that it might have belonged to the original owner, but was unable to verify this, claiming he rarely saw the original owner.

Anomalous Items 891 - 900

Item Description: Blue and white folding umbrella. When unfolded, a small bird or mammal will manifest and fall out of the umbrella. They behave as expected for their species, and have been confirmed to be non-anomalous.
Date of Recovery: 10/6/2022
Location of Recovery: Cincinnati, OH
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: Book titled "Test taking handbook - High School Exam Answers" with no author or publication information. When opened, it reveals the answer key to the next test you are likely to take. If the user is not within grades 9-12, the handbook displays the phrase "You're too old to be using this!" or "You're too young to be using this!" (depending on if the reader has already completed high school or if they have not yet stared high school).
Date of Recovery: 17/8/2022
Location of Recovery: a high school in Ashland, Oregon (United States)
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A 15 kilogram gas cylinder of the [REDACTED] gas distribution company that emits a non ending burning jet from its output. The flame does not seems to either harm or burn people nearby.
Date of Recovery: 25/10/2002
Location of Recovery: [REDACTED] gas depot in Santiago, Chile
Current Status: In storage at Site-19, it can be used as a emergency light if necessary

Item Description: Small notebook with cover art depicting the ocean. When touched by a human subject, the pages immediately become filled with detailed descriptions of the subject's most embarrassing moments, written in unknown handwriting. When contact with the item is broken, the pages slowly become blank over 60 seconds. Subjects become defensive and try to hide the book if others attempt to read over their shoulder, but this is believed to be due to the subject matter rather than any anomalous effect.
Date of Recovery: 28/10/2022
Location of Recovery: On the floor next to a trash can in Grand Central Station, NYC, NY
Current Status: In low-value item storage.

Item Description: A blanket where its size changes to the size of the bed it's on. If someone were to get under it, a hole would form where the person's feet are. If the person removes their feet from under the blanket, the hole repairs itself. If it's not on a bed or is removed, it does not exhibit these anomalous properties. If someone were to move their feet from under the hole, the hole moves, along with a voice coming from the blanket saying "Your feet will always be cold"
Date of Recovery: 4-29-2020
Location of Recovery: In a box labeled "Fuck you John" on the doorstep of Johnson Stoak, a well known con artist in Roanoke, Virginia.
Current Status: Kept in permanent storage in site 111.
Notes: This confirms our suspicions on Johnson being a PoI dealing in anomalous items.

Item Description: A bag of Doritos brand potato chips. When closed, the bag fill refill with only a single chip inside. The chip itself is not anomalous.
Date of Recovery: 6/12/2012
Location of Recovery: A 7/11 retail store located in ███████████, Australia.
Current Status: For use in Site-38.

Item Description: One Blåhaj plush shark, as manufactured by IKEA. When held during REM sleep, the holder's hair instantly adjusts length, style, and thickness according to personal preferences. Affected hair is nonanomalous after the user wakes, and can be shaved or regrown as expected.
Date of Recovery: 14/11/2022
Location of Recovery: ██████████ Clinic, ██████, Utah, USA
Current Status: Transferred to Site-58 for use in gender-affirming care and the reversal of anomalous hair growth/loss.

Item Description: One wooden popsicle stick which causes all water in a 7.6 centimeter (exactly 3 inches) radius to display the same movement, physics, texture, consistency, and taste as vanilla ice cream, although the nutritional value remains that of water. On the backside of a stick, a joke is printed in english reading "Q: Where do snowmen put their money? A: In a sensible icevestment portfolio!"
Date of Recovery: 14/11/2022
Location of Recovery: ███████'s Joke Shop, Murfreesboro, Tennesee, USA
Current Status: Transferred to Site-73 for fluid dynamics testing and longterm storage. Request for storage in Site-73 breakroom denied due to health codes.

Item Description: A cartoonish plushie of Dracula, with a tag labeled to be created by a company called M.John Inc. Has sentience, yet only uses it to play a continuous song about purchasing the plushie from the company. Will continue the act until doing so or simply wishing to keep it.
Date of Recovery: 01/23/1X
Location of Recovery: Unnamed Store, Portland, Maine.
Current Status: Within Site-64's Storage, placed within a sound-silencing container.

Item Description: A bag full of pink and purple school supplies, including a ruler, protractor, drawing compass, five unlabeled composition books, and a plastic pencil case. Inside the case are four mechanical pencils, four packs of graphite, two black mechanical pens, two purple mechanical pens, a small box of crayons, and a box of slim markers. Upon holding any item from the bag for an extended period of time, the individual holding it will instinctively hold or use the item like a weapon. Tests have been inconclusive as to whether or not these items are truly anomalous, or else if the people tasked with testing these properties are just bored.
Date of Recovery: 18-08-2022
Location of Recovery: █████████ Elementary School Parking Lot, Elkton, Maryland
Current Status: Under investigation
Notes: You do this with every writing utensil, Dr. Frisk. - Dr. ██████

Anomalous Items 901 - 910

Item Description: A small batch of Class-A amnestics that, when administered, cause the individual attempting to administer them to be affected rather than the subject being given them. This held true no matter how they were administered, even after being removed from their syringes. When a test was done to see what would happen when someone attempted to administer them to themselves, the Doctor that ordered the test felt the effects instead. The syringes themselves show no anomalous properties.
Date of Recovery: 21-08-2021
Location of Recovery: Site-322; discovered following attempts to amnestitize a witness to SCP-6598's containment breach.
Current Status: Syringes were emptied and properly disposed of in sharps containers. Amnestic solution was then neutralized. Resulting liquid showed no anomalous properties.
Notes: The individuals responsible for producing this batch of amnestics are pending investigation.

Item Description: A stethoscope that is always cold to the touch, especially when used for its intended purpose. A cognitohazardous effect causes anyone it is used on properly to feel as though it is much colder than it actually is, usually described to be "three times as cold". Tests have shown that the stethoscope gets colder every time it makes contact with skin, and it can never be warmed up, Currently, the stethoscope measures 7.8℃.
Date of Recovery: 05-02-2012
Location of Recovery: ████ Health Office, Bear, Delaware
Current Status: Held in low-value storage. Further testing as a potential means of indefinite cold storage pending.

Item Description: A thin 50 gram cellophane baggie of nepeta cataria (catnip). Despite the bag being completely sealed, it can be smelt by anyone within approximately 5 meters. The smell has a memetic influence on all living creatures exposed to the scent for more than 5 minutes. These effects are typical for heavy exposure to tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the main contributor to intoxication from the use of cannabis, and drug tests during exposure indicate a positive reading for THC use. These effects, however, go away immediately after short term exposure. Long term exposure has been shown to instill mild permanent influence.
Date of Recovery: 26-08-2022
Location of Recovery: Found on the shelf of a pet store in Rehoboth Beach, New Jersey. Store employees knew nothing about the baggie, and CCTV footage showed no signs of its placement.
Current Status: Stored in an airtight container in a secure locker Being studied by Dr. Frisk [EXPUNGED], Presumably eaten by Dr. Frisk
Note. Dr. Frisk is undergoing investigation after expunging information on the item's whereabouts. Item was last seen being taken into his personal office. When he was next seen, his mouth was full, his breath reeked of catnip, and he failed a drug test due to THC exposure. He is currently on unpaid leave as his punishment is decided.

Item Description: A felis catus (domestic cat) of orange tabby variety. It has unusually long fur, standing at no less than 8 centimeters at its shortest point. Its fur is also anomalously pure in color, its teeth representative of a smilodon populator (sabertooth tiger). DNA tests show prominent sabertooth genes, and as such, it has impressive strength for its size. Most interestingly, however, is that when an x-ray was taken of this specimen, no bones or organs could be found. It generally acts like a non-anomalous member of its species though, and has not displayed any hostile tendencies. Following its initial containment breach, this specimen has demonstrated the ability to teleport. It only does so when no one is looking, however, and seems aware of any attempts to view it through video feeds. Most frequently teleports to the cafeteria oven, which has often resulted in it catching fire.
Date of Recovery: 02-09-2022
Location of Recovery: Appeared in a locked containment cell at Site-322.
Current Status: Contained within the cell it appeared in in Site-322 Unknown Re-contained at Site-322 after reappearing in the Site cafeteria oven. Plans for transfer pending approval. Unknown; Keter class SCP classification request submitted and pending approval.
Note: Following the latest containment breach, site staff have adopted the fitting nickname "Vanishing Cinnamon Loaf" for this specimen.

Item Description: A blender with no visible brand name, logo, or manufacturer's information visible. When used, an unidentified female voice comments on the items being blended. It is clearly audible over the sound of the device's operation, and generally seems cheerful, often commenting on the perceived deliciousness or health value of the items being blended. If the item is used before 6:00 AM or after 10:00 PM, the voice is noticeably unpleasant and is often heard to complain about needing sleep. Regardless of when the blender is used, the voice has not responded to anything said in the vicinity of the item. Whether it is incapable of doing so or simply choosing not to is unclear.
Date of Recovery: 18 November 2022
Location of Recovery: Bought at an estate sale in San Diego, California
Current Status: Being tested.
Note: This item came to Foundation attention after the purchaser posted on social media about a talking blender. Investigation revealed that the original owner was unaware of the item's anomalous effect due to significant hearing loss. Paperwork with the item indicated it was purchased from a store named Four Garys Appliances. The address given was a restaurant which public records indicate has been in that location since 1956. There does not seem to have ever been a store named Four Garys Appliances anywhere in the United States at any point in history.

Item Description: Child's fashion doll, visually identical to popular brand [REDACTED]. At random intervals, the item will vocalize in a female voice. The language is unknown, but listeners have agreed that its tone suggests mild interest. Testing to identify the language is ongoing.
Date of Recovery: 20 November 2022
Location of Recovery: Toy store in Columbus, OH
Current Status: Being tested.

Item Description: One intangible 1976 American penny, "face" side up. Item is completely unaffected by all non-exotic matter except for fragments of the sidewalk it initially rested on.
Date of Recovery: 22/11/2022
Location of Recovery: A sidewalk in Logan, Utah, USA
Current Status: Segment of sidewalk containing item removed and placed in storage at Site-73. Item currently embedded within a small horseshoe magnet at Site-73 after testing unintentionally revealed a response to electromagnetic forces. Research into how the item can be removed from the magnet without trapping it inside a more powerful magnet is ongoing.

Item Description: Small round lapel pin, bearing a white background and the words "SAY NO TO DRUGS" in black lettering. Item displays antimemetic properties but is otherwise non-anomalous.
Date of Recovery: 22/11/2022
Location of Recovery: Lost and found box at [REDACTED] Elementary School, Greer, AL
Current Status: Low-value item storage, Site-19

Item Description: A homemade quilt with a top side measuring 3 by 1.5 meters, and a bottom side measuring 6 by 3 meters. Despite this spatial disparity, all edges perfectly align and any objects inserted directly through the quilt will emerge in the equivalent space on the opposite side.
Date of Recovery: 24/11/2022
Location of Recovery: An estate sale in Vergennes, Vermont, USA
Current Status: Moved to Site-146 for testing of spatial subanomalies. During a fire accidentally induced by AO-█████, the quilt was ignited. According to witness testimony by nearby personnel attempting to save various objects from the blaze, upon two separate holes burnt in the quilt growing large enough to connect, the quilt, fire, and AO-█████ all immediately disappeared, saving an estimated ██ anomalies and █ personnel from destruction. The whereabouts of this anomaly or AO-█████ are unknown at this time.

Anomalous Items 911 - 920

Item Description: A seemingly ordinary 24 centimeter diameter fish bowl containing a healthy blue Betta splendens (Siamese fighting fish) about 7 centimeters in length. This object's anomalous properties only become clear when a human makes physical contact with the item. In these cases, it's revealed that the fish bowl is made entirely of ice, and the water in the bowl is actually liquid glass. This impossibility is supported by thermal imaging, which indicates that the ice measures exactly 0 ℃, while the glass measures approximately 1600 ℃. While this environment should be inhospitable for the fish, it lives a normal, healthy life. Testing has confirmed that the state of the bowl and its contents only affect humans, as tests with other animals have shown that they can drink and/or live in the glass like water. Additionally, items placed in the glass are not affected by its temperature, even when a human is making contact with them. When the fish inside of the bowl was removed for testing, it was revealed to be an ordinary representative of its species.
Date of Recovery: 16/09/2022
Location of Recovery: Found during investigations of suspected methamphetamine production in an abandoned home in Austin, TX. When the individuals involved in the operation were questioned by Foundation personnel, it was discovered that they were aware of the anomalous properties, having previously used the glass to kill unsuspecting henchmen.
Current Status: Held in Site-73 animal containment. As of time of recording, the original specimen, as well as two paracheirodon axelrodi (cardinal tetras), are contained within the anomalous bowl. Staff taking care of the fish must wear heat resistant gloves to avoid being burned by splashes from the bowl, and must utilize a top-mounted fish feeder that extends above the bowl's surface to feed the fish.

Item Description: A damp, torn plush toy depicting a character from the multiplayer mystery game Among Us (2018). When squeezed by a child between the ages of 6 and 13 currently playing any sport or game with similarly-aged youths, the squeezer gains an awareness of all ongoing cheating, rule-breaking, and general loophole abuse in the activity. This persists until either the squeezer quits playing, moves more than 10 meters from the plushie, or begins crying.
Date of Recovery: 29/11/2022
Location of Recovery: Playground of █████████ Primary School, ███████████, Hertfordshire, UK
Current Status: Repaired and transferred to Site-06-3 for long-term testing and containment. Research into its potential for espionage in youth-centric populations is ongoing.

Item Description: An approximately 8 ton food truck of unidentifiable make, model, and year. Examinations reveal the truck is about 30 years old and in poor condition, but it bears a coat of paint that has been applied within the last year. This fire engine red paint job ia decorated with traced outline of the trademark ████████'s double arches, in the exact same color as the copyrighted logo. Each of these four logos bears a crudely painted smiling face and the brand name [REDACTED]; one face has its tongue stuck out as though licking its lips, one is drooling, one is sniffing at the air, and one has a french fry in its mouth. If an individual attempting to abstain from fast food consumption sees one of these logos indirectly, such as from the corner of their eye or through a photograph, the logo will animate. The first logo will wink and lick its lips, the second will drool as though impatiently awaiting food, the third will take a deep breath and drool, and the fourth will eat the french fry in its mouth. Viewing any of these short animations in their entirety has a memetic effect, causing the viewer to subconsciously repeat the actions taken, and to crave fast food until they have consumed enough to claim that they're "stuffed".
Date of Recovery: 29/10/2022
Location of Recovery: Havre De Grace, MD; memetic influence was discovered during court proceedings over the truck's legality, in which several individuals commentented on the ordeal. Foundation personnel were called in to administer amnestics and destroy all photographs of the vehicle before court could be properly adjourned.
Current Status: Anomalous properties undergoing investigation. Location and destruction of photos and videos of the truck are ongoing.

Item Description: A yellow Class III SCP Foundation Biohazardous Materials Handling hazmat suit. When worn by any individual not trained in handling biohazardous materials, the individual gains expert knowledge on biohazard handling4 and SCP Foundation Class III biohazard protocol. Individuals wearing the biosuit also see an increase in fine motor skills while the suit is on. Upon taking off the suit, the subject who was wearing it will lose all knowledge gained from the suit, as well as fine motor skills, until the suit is put back on.
No anomalous materials have been found to date within the suit itself.
Date of Recovery: 12/4/2022
Location of Recovery: SCP Foundation Biosuit Locker #2567, Biological Containment Site-66
Current Status: Kept in Biological Containment Site-66 for use with interns, trainees, and other personnel not knowledgeable in biohazard protocol or possessing weak fine motor skills to handle dangerous materials. When not in use, kept in Biosuit Locker #2567, which a padlock has now been added to for security purposes.

Item Description: Three (3) "S'more" flavored Poptarts. Exactly 300 seconds after an instance sustains any significant physical or chemical change, such as consumption, fracturing, increase or decrease in temperature, crumbling or rotting, it will turn into nonanomalous ash and a new instance will appear in the closest available space. Unless an instance is on a flat horizontal surface when this occurs, its replacement will most likely appear in midair and fracture on its way to the ground, repeatedly triggering the cycle and causing increasing amounts of ash to accumulate until the instance is secured.
Date of Recovery: 06/12/2022
Location of Recovery: ███████ ████ █████, a homeless shelter in Bismarck, North Dakota, USA
Current Status: Stored in separate Size-I object storage lockers, each modified with a soft floor to prevent fall damage. These lockers are cleaned twice monthly of accumulated ash.

Item Description: One unbroken ingrown brown human hair, 2733 centimeters in length. The item was surgically extracted from a highly irregular miniature pocket dimension located in a pore on the shoulder of ███████ Suárez (25/11/1948-30/04/2006), then an infant in the maternity ward of ███ ██████ Hospital. Shortly following extraction, the pocket dimension underwent rapid dissolution and ceased existing.
Date of Recovery: 06/12/1948
Location of Recovery: ███ ██████ Hospital, Alhambra, California, USA
Current Status: Displayed in the main entrance hallway on Sublevel 1 of Bio-Research Station 71's Light Containment Wing.
Note(s): ███████ Suárez was briefly considered for a position in the newly-formed SCP Foundation Antimemetics Division and underwent preliminary interviews in the Fall of 1976, but was rejected in favor of other candidates. Suárez was not believed to possess any anomalous properties following the dissolution of his bodily pocket dimension, though his personal file was briefly reopened in 2006 following the yet unexplained strangling death of Suárez. Notably, intense investigation of his residence revealed human hairs matching at least 67 missing persons in various drains, vents, and food and medication containers. Following a lack of leads or testable hypotheses, Suárez's personal file was resealed on ██/██/200█.

Item Description: One 8 by 8 centimeter bug board holding a single Drosophila melanogaster5. When studied to a yet undetermined extent by a human subject, they will lose all prior knowledge of the field of genetics. Subjects still recognize words, terms, and persons associated with genetics, but are unable to remember any of their traits directly relating to genetics as a whole. For example, one D-Class personnel with a high school education in biology remained familiar with Rosalind Franklin's occupation and fame, but became unable to identify any specific accomplishments or discoveries attributable to her. This loss of knowledge is unaffected by amnestic treatments, but affected knowledge can be relearnt by conventional means.
Date of Recovery: 06/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Virginia Commonwealth University, Virginia, USA
Current Status: Undergoing testing at Site-78 to ascertain effectiveness in sabotage.

Item Description: An empty bottle of unknown manufacturer, connected haphazardly to a light switch with copper wiring, scotch tape, and chewed bubblegum. When the switch is flipped to the on position while there is water in the bottle, the water is turned to wine. When the switch is flipped to the off position while there is wine in the bottle, the wine is turned to water. Other fluids and objects are unaffected, though any water or wine present within them are. Item was retrieved as a package addressed to Pope Benedict XVI, with a note attached, reading: "I FIGUReD YOU IT OUT! YOUR GOD IS A SHAM!" [sic].
Date of Recovery: 06/07/2012
Location of Recovery: ███████, Ohio
Current Status: In long term storage, note incinerated.
Note(s): A DNA analysis of a sample of the chewed gum revealed it to have originated from Ohio resident █████ ████████. A foundation raid of his residence (on 06/12/2012) revealed ties to the group of interest Gamers Against Weed, and a lengthy history of posts to a number of reddit sub-communities (such as r/atheist, r/atheistsdebatechristians, r/debateanatheist, etc.). ████████ was not present, and has not returned since. Agents found signs of a struggle inside. Blood was found splattered against the walls, from both ████████ and an unknown individual. Shards of wood not resembling the material of the rest of the house were also identified, and samples were collected for tests, which came back inconclusive. Neighbors had not seen anyone other than ████████ entering or exiting the house, though they did note a bright flash of light followed by crashing sounds originating from the ████████ residence on 06/08/2012, which they attributed to 'a computer error'. █████ ████████ has been designated PoI-12███, and the unknown assailant has been designated PoI-12024.
UPDATE (05/13/2018): PoI-12███'s remains have been located, in ██████, █████████. Harsh weather and the passage of time have made autopsy infeasible. Their remains have been incinerated, and PoI-12███ has been designated a null-priority target.

Item Description: A collection of 233 unopened cans, superficially resembling cans of D██ █████ brand sweetened corn kernels. When opened, each can contains a fully loaded handgun. Individuals terminated with these handguns collapse into a pile of non-anomalous corn kernels.
Date of Recovery: 09/09/2021
Location of Recovery: Warehouse in ████, █████
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: One severed leg and foot belonging to a male Anas platyrhynchos domesticus6. When any male-identifying human makes skin contact with the object, they lose all ability to perceive or locate clitorises until they next enter REM sleep. Item was discovered among a large assortment of outgoing mail also containing various highly abnormal and/or illegal items, although the item was the only anomalous object. At the time of recovery, it was included with a bow and note reading "Here you go, now fuck out of my life - JW". No recipient or intended address is listed.
Date of Recovery: 07/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Cordova Post Office, Cordova, Alaska, USA
Current Status: Held in a Size-I object storage locker at Site-25.

Anomalous Items 921 - 930

Item Description: One dried blue ink pen, heavily chewed. When used to write by an adult male human between the ages of 35 and 52, the user deeply sighs, closes any open folders, books, or laptops and remembers all upcoming, ongoing, and recently passed activities their children are involved in and wish for others to see, even those the user was previously unaware of. No compulsion exists, however, to attend these events
Date of Recovery: 07/12/2022
Location of Recovery: A dumpster behind the ███████ ██████████ Office Building, Memphis, Tennesee, USA
Current Status: Held in a Size-I object storage locker at Site-73.

Item Description: One ███ ██████ brand container of Oatmeal Creme Pies possessing minor regenerative and self-transmutative capabilities. At exactly 1800 hours GMT daily, the item experiences restoration of all minor damage and bears an updated packaging and expiration date matching that of ten years in the future. As of 01/01/2019, the item no longer experiences any change in expiration date, but does continue to fix minor damage. The reasons for this are unknown.
Date of Recovery: 08/12/1980
Location of Recovery: █████████ Gas Station, Dothan, Alabama, USA
Current Status: Held in a Size-II object storage locker at Site-73.

Item Description: A virtual copy of SCP-173's containment file. The file can only be read on SCPTerminalOS Version 0.1, the first operating system used by the SCP Foundation terminals, and the operating system used on the hard drive that the anomalous file was recovered on. Attempts to view the file on a later operating system, edit the file on a later operating system, transfer the file or parts of the file to a later operating system, or otherwise interact with the file on an operating system of a later version than SCPTerminalOS Version 0.1 have all resulted in the operating system used to interact with it downgrading almost instantaneously to SCPTerminalOS Version 0.1. Operating systems downgraded in this way cannot be upgraded, and incompatible information is lost.
Date of Recovery: 12/18/2022
Location of Recovery: A hard drive in a vacant office in Site-██. No other files have been found on the hard drive.
Current Status: File has been kept on its hard drive, and has been copied onto Foundation Server #███████ (downgraded by the anomaly) at Site-██ for research purposes.

Item Description: One copy of Frankenstein (1818), printed in 1851. When any section is removed or rendered sufficiently illegible, that section is replaced with one or more sections of paper bearing identical text, with a notable preference for longer strings of identical text.
Date of Recovery: Before 10/12/1902
Location of Recovery: [INFORMATION LOST]
Current Status: Held in a Size-II object storage locker at Site-73.
Notes: Item rediscovered during a routine decennial inspection of Site-███'s inventory. Surrounding information had suffered heavy physical corruption mainly due to moths and mold. As such, the origin of this item is likely unknowable.

Item Description: One standard Apple MacBook Pro computer. When logged into by anyone who owns or used to own an account on a different computer manufactured by Apple using the correct credentials for that account, the user is immediately transported to a random location no more than 2 meters away from the device that holds the account. If the user used to own an account on an Apple device, but the device has been destroyed or the account was deleted from it, the user is transported back in time to the most recent time that the account was owned7.
Date of Recovery: 12/20/2022
Location of Recovery: the MacBook Pro gained anomalous properties on 12/19/2022, and was seized from █████████'s residence after transporting █████████ to an Apple Store in █████, Alaska, where he had traded in his old iPhone 10.
Current Status: Contained in Secure Anomalous Item Storage Locker #███████████, Storage and Surveillance Site-106.

Item Description: One imitation grenade made from acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. If a human holds this item and says "fire in the hole" or a direct translation thereof, all bodily orifices8 in a 1.5 meter radius feel a painful, debilitating burning sensation. This sensation lasts until either the holder lets go of the item or any affected individual drinks any form or amount of milk.
Date of Recovery: 13/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Lake Havasu City Police Station, Lake Havasu City, Arizona, USA
Current Status: Held in a Size-I object storage locker at Site-19.
Notes: While weaponization or tactical field use of the item's properties was considered, the guaranteed temporary incapacitation of the wielder makes this impractical at best and risks the loss of valuable anomalies and personnel at worst.

Item Description: 108 shattered pieces making up a porcelain teapot. Whenever Russell's Teapot is coherently described in a capacity sufficient to recognize it as Russell's Teapot, the item instantly teleports to a new random position between the orbits of Earth and Mars in a roughly stable elliptical orbit.
Date of Recovery: 13/12/1992
Location of Recovery: ~162085000 kilometers from Sol (1.08347 AU)
Current Status: Monitoring device attached with minimal breakage during SCPDaNTE IX mission. Data on item's location over time is given to the Foundation Paraanalysis Division for astronomical, cosmological, and theological analyses. Since attachment of the monitoring device in ████, the item is believed to have moved 1,428,571 times.

Item Description: One nametag reading "HELLO, MY NAME IS Paul". While wearing this nametag, the wearer is both incapable of using or being referred to by the "p" phoneme, also known as the voiceless bilabial plosive.
Date of Recovery: 12/12/2002
Location of Recovery: Heber Springs, Arkansas, USA
Current Status: Held in a Size-I object storage locker at Site-35 for memetics research.

Item Description: One uneaten apple pie. When left on a windowsill, all individuals uninvolved in the baking of the item who smell it will experience extreme euphoria and salivation, along with mild or moderate levitation.
Date of Recovery: 13/12/1952
Location of Recovery: Sterling, Colorado
Current Status: Neutralized from rot as of 13/01/1953

Item Description: An anomalous golf ball that attempts to slowly get closer to any standard golf course hole regardless of distance. Object was found in Site 19's golf course in the recreational area by a researcher on his lunch break.
Date of Recovery: 5/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Hole 9 of the golf course in Site 19
Current Status: Locked in an object storage locker.

Anomalous Items 931 - 940

Item Description: One blank Polaroid brand instant film that, whenever someone directly touches it, inverts their skin, hair, and eye color, essentially turning them into a "color negative" of their previous appearance. Process seems permanent, and touching the film again does not reverse the effect.
Date of Recovery: 10/11/2016
Location of Recovery: Dispensed by a normal Polaroid brand camera owned by Junior Researcher James Delta, who subsequently had their appearance inverted.
Current Status: Locked in a Size-I object storage locker at Site 67.
Notes: Will personnel please stop telling me that I'm being negative about my condition? The joke wasn't funny the first time, guys. - JR Delta

Item Description: A gold medal. When worn, the back of the medal will display the wearer’s full name and its current biggest achievement. When it is not being worn by anybody, the back of the medal will remain blank.
Date of Recovery: 08/03/2017
Location of Recovery: An award show in New York, US.
Current Status: Inside Site-19’s recreational room.

Item Description: A lamp. If the lamp is turned on, individuals within 7 meters of the lamp will be unable to experience fear, sadness or anger until the individual moves further than 7 meters away from the lamp or turns off the lamp.
Date of Recovery: 01/03/2019
Location of Recovery: A therapy clinic in Ottawa, Canada.
Current Status: Used in the psychiatry ward in Site 19 for anxious and agitated patients.

Item Description: A cardboard box. When occupied by a human currently playing any stealth-based video game, all enemy characters become invisible from the player's perspective. Other observers report no graphical changes.
Date of Recovery: 15/12/2022
Location of Recovery: The apartment of a lesser-known video game streamer in Setagaya City, Tokyo, Japan
Current Status: Held in a Size-IV object storage locker at Site-255.

Item Description: One curtain rod bearing the smell of rotting shrimp. When rotted shrimp is inserted into the curtain rod, the smell dissipates until its removal.
Date of Recovery: 24/01/2023
Location of Recovery: An alleyway between ███████'s Rotting Shrimp Disposal Plant and █████ and Sons Curtain Accessories Store, Dispur, Assam, India
Current Status: Held in a Size-IV object storage locker in Site-25, filled with rotting shrimp.

Item Description: One stuffed toy depicting "Sprigatito" from the Pokémon franchise, a small green feline with floral design elements. When held, the holder will spontaneously believe themselves to be highly intoxicated via recreational cannabis consumption until letting go of the item, and will act in accordance with their perception of such intoxication. As such, effects can range from no behavioral changes to psychosis and intense delusions, but usually consist of mild hunger and debilitating lethargy.
Date of Recovery: 25/01/2023
Location of Recovery: Police station in Kobe, Hyōgo Prefecture, Japan
Current Status: Held in a Size-II object storage locker at Site-24

Item Description: A wax sculpture depicting a different humanoid entity to every individual who perceives it. While clothing, size, hair, and disabilities are widely variable, consistent elements include a pale skin tone, supernumerary teeth, and anywhere from 2 to 26 fingers of varying lengths.
Date of Recovery: 25/01/2023
Location of Recovery: The private residence of █████ █████, San Francisco, California, USA
Current Status: Held in a Size-V object storage locker at Site-35 while its true appearance is determined and refined by an AI task force.

Item Description: One bag of ███████ brand microwave popcorn, unfolded. When thrown into a fire of any size or intensity, the bag will disappear as popping sounds begin. After exactly 180 seconds, the bag will be launched out of the fire at roughly 10 kilometers per hour, sealed and with all damage regenerated. All 243 kernels are popped and moderately salted and buttered, with no observable burns.
Date of Recovery: 15/12/1992
Location of Recovery: Abandoned campsite near Middletown, Delaware, USA
Current Status: Held in a Size-II object storage locker at Site-73. Object is to be regenerated once annually to prevent severe degradation. Current number of regenerations observed under Foundation observation is 729.

Item Description: Two pairs of sandals of unknown brand. All items generally considered to be a form of sock undergo an immediate cessation of existence upon being brought within a roughly 2 meter radius of any of the four sandals. This effect is permanent.
Date of Recovery: 15/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Zahle, Lebanon
Current Status: Undergoing preliminary analysis and testing at Site-120 to determine appropriate containment.

Item Description: One down pillow incapable of losing moisture. When contacted by an organism's skin, that organism's remaining water is immediately transferred to the object, typically resulting in a swift death from exsanguination.
Date of Recovery: 15/12/2022
Location of Recovery: A landfill in Surrey, England
Current Status: Held in a SP-type storage unit at Site-300. Organisms previously terminated by the object9 were successfully removed from the nearby area and incinerated, with no human casualties.

Anomalous Items 941 - 950

Item Description: An image of a world map from the internet, with printed copies. The map does not show Australia. Any individual who views the map, whether online or printed, will believe that Australia does not exist and anything involving Australia is covered up by the United States government. Individuals will also believe that the population of Australia are actors hired by the United States government. Affected individuals will attempt to spread this false information. This effect is permanent to anybody who views it.
Date of Recovery: 06/04/2017
Location of Recovery: Discovered from a video on the platform Youtube. Video traced to Oregon, US.
Current Status: Due to its memetic and permanent effect, 05-03 approved neutralisation of this object. All printed copies have been incinerated via action taken by MTF Eta-10 ("See No Evil"). All images of this map on the internet deleted by MTF Kappa-10 ("Skynet")

Item Description: A Zweihänder manufactured during the 16th century CE, with a marking depicting the human heart engraved on its hilt. When wielded with both hands by a left-handed or ambidextrous individual for a significant period of time every waking period, the wielder will begin to experience anomalous gains in strength and skin toughness in their left arm, along with increased cardiovascular health and overall stamina. Longterm usage has resulted in minor movement of the heart towards the left side of the body and occasionally other cosmetic corrections.
Date of Recovery: 15/12/2022
Location of Recovery: A private collection in █████████, Bangladesh, along with items #943, #944, and #945. Recovered documentation suggests three similar undiscovered items, of which █ have been found.
Current Status: Held in a secure weapons vault at Site-300.If you edit, delete, or move this entry, please PM me!

Item Description: A longsword manufactured during the 14th century CE, accompanied by a non-anomalous sheath imprinted with various symbols relating to the body and humors. When used to impale a living diseased human, one current affliction and all associated damage will disappear, with a similarly progressed and dangerous condition appearing in its place in the following 14 days. Notably, certain conditions such as Alzheimer's and most cancers have yet to be targeted by the object.
Date of Recovery: 15/12/2022
Location of Recovery: A private collection in █████████, Bangladesh, along with items #942, #944, and #945. Associated documentation appears to indicate three corresponding yet undiscovered items, of which █ has been found.
Current Status: Held in a secure weapons vault at Site-300.If you edit, delete, or move this entry, please PM me!

Item Description: A xiphos manufactured during the 8th century BCE and reforged in the 2nd century BCE, with the word "αἱματόεις"10 engraved along the blade. All blood that comes into contact with the blade is absorbed at a rate of 6.4-30.6 mL/second. The wielder has conscious control of this ability, and can halt it or cause it to excrete specific forms or types of blood at an identical rate and chosen pressure. The amount of blood currently held within the item is unknown
Date of Recovery: 15/12/2022
Location of Recovery: A private collection in █████████, Bangladesh, along with items #942, #943, and #945. Attached documentation alleges three related but undiscovered items, of which █ have been found.
Current Status: Held in a secure weapons vault at Site-300.If you edit, delete, or move this entry, please PM me!

Item Description: A khopesh manufactured in the 11th century BCE with no markings or inlays. An unknown item formerly embedded in the handle has been removed. When in an environment with a surrounding temperature greater than 31°C, the blade can be ignited and extinguished at will. Surrounding fire is abnormally hot, at roughly 2300°C, but does not spread past the wielder's hand and only induces painless charring of skin tissue. Others affected by this fire however undergo a variety of physiological changes, including but not necessarily limited to, heightened sensitivity to pain, a temporary immunity to damage caused by fire, and delusions that they can be extinguished by activities that are dangerous to themselves or others.
Date of Recovery: 15/12/2022
Location of Recovery: A private collection in █████████, Bangladesh, along with items #942, #943, and #944. Previous documentation purports three analogous, still undiscovered items, of which █ have been found.
Current Status: Held in a secure weapons vault at Site-300.If you edit, delete, or move this entry, please PM me!

Item Description: An XBOX brand controller that, upon the power button being turned on, makes a random fish in a nearby area follow the commands of the input put into the controller.
Date of Recovery: 16/12/2022
Location of Recovery: A aquarium's recreation room. Workers complained of the XBOX present not responding to commands, while aquarium-goers noted very strange behavior from some of the fish.
Current Status: In storage at Storage and Surveillance Site-106.

Item Description: One heavily cracked and stained ceramic and porcelain toilet. When any item considered a controlled substance by US federal or state law is dropped into the cistern, that item is wholly forgotten by and rendered imperceptible to all individuals previously aware of the item. Cistern contained 2.5 kilograms of marijuana across an unknown number of strains at the time of containment, all unknown to the previous owner due to the the item's effects.
Date of Recovery: 16/12/2012
Location of Recovery: Private residence in Edgewater, Florida, USA
Current Status: Held at Site-41 Current location unknown as of ██/██/2017

Item Description: A large duffel bag with no identifiable brand. When the main compartment is zipped closed, a variable human voice can be heard incessantly begging for release in any language the listener believes themself to be currently learning. This voice has shown no signs of intelligence or an ability to hear its surroundings. Audio recordings of this phenomenon instead play a whirring noise between 12 and 20 kHz, with no external noise detectable.
Date of Recovery: 16/12/1972
Location of Recovery: Charles de Gaulle Airport, Paris, France
Current Status: Held in a Size-IV object storage locker at Site-73, unzipped.

Item Description: A white 2018 Hyundai Sonata Hybrid which has a seemingly infinite amount of gas in the tank. The car has (supposedly) not had a refill since it was purchased and has over 250,000 miles of usage.
Date of Recovery: 12-16-2022
Location of Recovery: Site-██ Parking Garage.
Current Status: Placed in the Site-██ storage vault.
Note: Guys, this isn't funny. That's literally my car. You can't just…take my car! How am I supposed to get home? -Dr. Laz

Item Description: One 24-pack of Marlboro cigarettes, with 19 cigarettes remaining. When smoked by an individual with an identical twin, all lung damage possessed by either twin will transfer to the other.
Date of Recovery: 16/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Dacula, Georgia, USA
Current Status: Held in a Size-I object storage locker at Site-73.

Anomalous Items 951 - 960

Item Description: A female tortoiseshell cat named "Angie" with an attached cylinder of sunlight three meters in height and one meter in diameter at a 26° angle.
Date of Recovery: 18/12/2022
Location of Recovery: A parking garage in Wrocław, Poland
Current Status: Held at Site-25's Domestic Felines Lab.

Item Description: A 100 liter aquarium intended for various tropical fish. When seen on a delayed recording, the viewer gains an intense desire to sell all stocks in their possession for exactly 15 minutes.
Date of Recovery: 18/12/2022
Location of Recovery: An apartment in Kópavogur, Iceland
Current Status: Transferred to Site-99 for use in financial destruction of certain hostile groups, after analysis of the item's initial location revealed deliberate targeting of various reviled individuals for perceived wrongdoings.

Item Description: Six (6) plastic water bottles of various models and coloration. All water that falls from one of these bottles into a human orifice will instantly become non-anomalous 80 proof vodka via an IE211 preset transmutation ritual.
Date of Recovery: 03/12/2022-18/12/2022
Location of Recovery: The area of ███████ ████████ High School, Honolulu, Hawaii, USA
Current Status: Held in separate Size-II object storage lockers at Site-120 for research in thaumatological transmutation.

Item Description: The left hand of a mannequin. Anyone who holds the item will be compelled to cry for exactly one hour before dropping the item and forgetting the experience. Various minor psychological changes persist after this event, most often consisting of increased self-esteem, confidence, and feelings of independence, although dramatic ideological changes, increased introversion or extroversion, and manic episodes have occurred.
Date of Recovery: 19/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Soda Springs, Idaho, USA
Current Status: Held in a Size-II object storage locker at Site-35. Of the █ individuals known to have been affected by the item, 6 are under covert surveillance and █ remain under Foundation custody for long-term observation.

Item Description: A PolaroidTM brand instant camera that, no matter how it is held, always results in the user's finger obscuring a portion of the picture. More specifically, the user's finger will always be covering the subject of the photo, whether it be a person's face, an animal, or another object.
Date of Recovery: 10/22/2020
Location of Recovery: An apartment in a Senior Citizen community in Margate, Florida.
Current Status: In Storage.
Note: My Nan complained about this camera to me for a few years before I decided to take a look at it myself. I just thought she was getting clumsy in her old age. Class-C amnestics have been administered. Note to self, visit Nan Crane more often. -Dr. Laz

Item Description: 58 kilograms of honey stored across 82 glazed jars. When consumed, one shall become unable to hear instrumental music. 33.5 kilograms of honey stored across 78 glazed jars. When at least 585 grams are ingested, the consumer will become permanently unable to hear any music produced by a handheld instrument. Instruments such as the theremin and most digital synthesizers are unaffected.
Date of Recovery: 20/12/1942
Location of Recovery: Amirate of Trans-Jordan Unknown location within modern-day Jordan
Current Status: Held in a Low-Security Vault at Site-19 Held at Site-35 for memetogustatory research. Due to the likelihood of their destruction in the Chaos Insurgency raids of 1948, the judeolinguistic awakening of 1955, [REDACTED] in 1974, [DATA EXPUNGED], or the destruction of an unknown amount of antimemetic research sites between 2008 and 2017, the locating of missing additional documentation for AO-959 has been downgraded to a Phi-Level priority.

Item Description: 72 wooden rings, of which 49 are unique, with an average diameter of 8.3 centimeters and bearing a hole in the center with an average diameter of 2.8 centimeters. When successfully thrown from more than 460 centimeters onto a cylinder, the ring becomes chronologically displaced by approximately -250 years while maintaining the same location relative to Earth.
Date of Recovery: 20/12/1962
Location of Recovery: An unknown tribal village believed to no longer have existed, in The Yucatán Peninsula, Mexico
Current Status: Held W-Across two identical chronostatic long-term containment units at Temporal Site-01.
Note: They're still as baffling as when we picked them up 60 years ago, and I was at the tailend of my career back then-1. They check out over the last 10000 years or so of human settlement in the Americas with some standard temporal shenanigans, but then-0 keep popping up every time we look farther back. Hell, I personally scraped the Chicxulub soot from Ring-03/2022-1. There's no one we can find to have brought them back and they just keep chugging along in their little jagged timelines. My recommendation? Find the 1712 samples and then-2 lock them all away for the rest of time. -Makrelliu Sarpeit, Temporal Anomalies Department

Item Description: 413 grams of indestructible black human hair, genetically matched to a Caucasian or southwest Asian male. Minor stainage suggests violent removal from owner.
Date of Recovery: 20/12/1922
Location of Recovery: Various Israeli and Palestinian settlements, though documentation and possibly flawed interrogations12 suggest a common origin in █████, Israel
Current Status: Held in a Size-II object storage locker at Site-120 for long-term containment.

Item Description: A rock that looks like a face. Has a minor memetic effect that induces confusion on whether or not it is an actual face. This is an ongoing debate among Foundation personnel.
Date Of Recovery: 20/12/2022
Location Of Recovery: Oregon, USA

Item Description: A kaleidoscope depicting the eyes of an unknown fractal entity in real time. Whether the entity is knowledgeable of this is yet to be determined.
Date of Recovery: 21/12/2022
Location of Recovery: █████ ████ ███████ school in Hulin, China
Current Status: Under constant observation and recording at Site-62. Entity has seemingly developed jaundice or a similar condition as of ██/██/2026, which has led to increased irritation, blinking, and tearing. Potential methods of contacting the entity are still being researched.

Anomalous Items 961 - 970

Item Description: A faceted glass ring. Wearers can alter the color and brightness of light in the object's proximity as well as bend it into simple, three-dimensional shapes, such as spheres and cubes. Ease of use is bounded by ambient light levels. Maximum range varies between subjects, but rarely exceeds 15 centimeters.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/1990
Location of Recovery: Seized from an MC&D courier in Cambridge, England.
Current Status: Requisitioned for personal study by Junior Specialist Olivera.

Item Description: A copy of the popular game The Binding of Isaac where all of the titular character’s traumatic memories and dreams are replaced with the traumatic memories of the player. This causes extreme emotional distress. However, after the player gets one of the endings, they are relieved of most stress related to the trauma.
Date Of Recovery: ██/█/2015
Location of Recovery: Game creator Edward Mcmillen’s home during a routine check for obscure anomalies.
Current Status In a anomalous object storage room at Site-234.

Item Description: A single Paracentrotus lividus13 which has the ability to turn any plastic or metal within a 30 centimeter radius of itself into a small cowboy hat, no larger than the urchin can place on its head. Any excess plastic from an item larger than the urchin's head will be turned into a separate hat.
Date of Recovery: 3/15/2020
Location of Recovery: Off the coast of Western Scotland, After fisherman in the area reported their fishing hooks being turned into small hats
Current Status: In a small aquarium tank within Dr. Laz's office, under constant surveillance.
Note: He's just a little guy who likes hats. Can't fault him for that. -Dr. Laz

Item Description: A gold wedding ring. When worn on one's left hand, the ring will teleport to the ring finger of their right hand. Wearing it upon another right hand finger has no effect.
Date of Recovery: 21/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Jewelry kiosk in ██████████, London, England
Current Status: Held in a Size-I object storage locker at Site-73.

Item Description: A snow globe depicting a snow-covered farm. If an individual closes their eyes as tightly as they can, concentrates on a specific building or set of buildings, and shakes the snow globe vigorously, snow will begin to fall within 24 hours. This snow will continue to fall at roughly 25 millimeters (exactly 1 inch) per hour until the selected building or buildings close, typically due to weather. Attempts to use this item more than once per calendar year fail.
Date of Recovery: 21/12/2032
Location of Recovery: ████ █████ ██████ Elementary School, Thibodaux, Louisiana, USA
Current Status: Held in a triple-secured Size-II object storage locker at Site-300 for research into its meteorological limits.

Item Description: A rubber tire that remains inflated and at an air pressure of 34 psi regardless of damage. When viewed less than 90 minutes before REM sleep, the viewer will awaken convinced that it is a sapient entity that either intends to kill them or warn them of an approaching greater danger. These delusions intensify as time passes, but end when REM sleep is successfully reentered. Identities attributed to this item include, but are not limited to: Ba'al, Orbro, Rollinaut, Rotational Wrath, Tire Durden, Michelle Lynn, Drivicus, Rhotore, Spinmaster XV11, Konbarg the Destroyer, and Timmy Two-Treads.
Date of Recovery: 21/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Car lot in Waukegan, Illinois, USA
Current Status: Repaired and held in a Size-IV object storage locker at Site-95.

Item Description: A 5x4x1cm pebble with the letters "AWCY" etched into it. All attempts to contain the pebble in any form of container has resulted in the pebble appearing outside the container through unknown means. This has been tested with standard object lockers, standard containment cells, containment cell lined with lead and a reality anchor, holding in hands, and buried.
Date of Recovery: 24/08/2019
Location of Recovery: Recovered in AWCY gallery raid in █████, Venice, Italy.
Current Status: Unknown, thrown into the Site 17 garden by Junior Researcher Evans after testing to prove hypothesis that the pebble can only be contained with other pebbles. Junior Researcher Evans was reprimanded and given a warning.

Item Description: A metal thermos constantly remaining at 30°C and holding 700 ml of chicken noodle soup, regardless of prior energy or soup output.
Date of Recovery: 22/12/2022
Location of Recovery: An abandoned Manna Charitable Foundation site in the ███████ province of China
Current Status: Undergoing biological testing at Site-25 to ensure the safety of human consumption.

Item Description: A children's backpack depicting characters from the cartoon █████████ ████. When opened by a person under 12 in the presence of a crying individual, the item will contain a variable nonanomalous object capable of comforting the individual. Items found so far include various stuffed animals, art supplies, money, winning lottery tickets, depictions of loved ones, dolls, bandages, and a frozen kidney necessary for a transplant.
Date of Recovery: 22/12/2022
Location of Recovery: ████████████ ████ ████████ private school, Toulouse, France
Current Status: Transferred to Site-06-3 for short-term containment and accessibility of young humanoid test subjects.

Item Description: A white polyester pillow. When punched, kicked, or otherwise attacked, the attacker feels a corresponding punch between 1600 and 2300 psi on a random section of their body.
Date of Recovery: 24/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Personal residence in Goshen, Indiana, USA
Current Status: Temporarily held in Site-300 for ballistics testing.

Anomalous Items 971 - 980

Item Description: A set of alternating red and green Christmas stockings, each bearing a sequential string of letters in the format "A", "B", "C"…"ZY", "ZZ", "AAA", "AAB", and so on. Each stocking has been removed from the previous stocking in this chain, with the most recent stocking anomalously containing all future stockings within itself. Once the stocking containing all additional stockings is removed from a given stocking, the given stocking loses its capability to hold potentially infinite stockings.
Date of Recovery: 25/12/2022
Location of Recovery: North Pole, Alaska, USA
Current Status: All 13,231 nonanomalous stockings have been transferred to the Foundation Internal Finance Department's resale branch, and remaining stockings with specific letter combinations can be purchased from a site representative for a negotiable price. Stocking #13,232, which is green and reads "SOX", has been transferred to Site-1225 so as to better facilitate the removal and storage of additional stockings. Analysis has revealed a red stocking, likely reading "SOY", visible through the opening.

Item Description: An unofficial plush toy depicting a bee as they appear in Minecraft, but with colors matching the nonbinary flag. Attempts to refer to them as any pronoun besides "they" or "he" fail. Their texture is reportedly extremely soft, though this trait has been confirmed to be nonanomalous.
Date of Recovery: 25/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Iowa City, Iowa, USA
Current Status: Held by Site-322's therapy offices for use in easing patients.

Item Description: A King James Bible published in the early 17th century AD. Various entities, creatures, and items have had their names changed in mildly to severely anachronistic ways, including but not limited to "Leviathan" becoming "Sea Emperor Leviathan", "his staff" becoming "his really big bong", and "Mary" becoming "Skyler White, yo" [sic]. The ink present in such changes is identical to that used for the rest of the work, and its chemical composition indicates creation and use before the beginning of both widespread nuclear and aetheric fallout in the 1940s14.
Date of Recovery: 27/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Marshall, Carter, and Dark warehouse in Istanbul, Turkey
Current Status: Temporarily held at Site-120 for theological testing before longterm containment at Temporal Site-01.

Item Description: 67 grams of hair belonging to an unknown caprid. When grasped between local January 7th and December 4th, the holder feels a worsening burning sensation until they cease contact. After 48 seconds of contact, the holder instantaneously develops severe frostbite. When grasped between December 5th and January 6th, the holder is struck through any protective wear via a birch rod to the back, buttocks, or upper thighs, often resulting in welts and minor scarring. On rare occasion, fibers have been left in victims' epidermises, which have been found to be a genetic match for Betula pendula.
Date of Recovery: 27/12/2022
Location of Recovery: Private collection held near Bad Reichenhall, Bavaria, Germany
Current Status: Held in a Size-I object storage locker at Site-120 with appropriate biohazard warnings.

Item Description: A chair seemingly made out of wood. Item is completely non-anomalous, with an exception to it's size, as it is only 10 microns long.
Date of Recovery: 7/12/2018
Location of Recovery: █████████ High School, in Science Teacher Dr. ██████'s room.
Current Status: Unknown, researcher tasked with retrieving the item tripped on the way to his car, dropping the container and shattering it.
Notes: You try to keep track of something that small, okay? - Dr. Blue

Item Description: A rather funky Fumofumo plush of Cirno from Touhou Project that cannot be described with any adjectives other than "Funky."
Date of Recovery: 30/12/2020
Location of Recovery: An unopened plastic bag within room ███ of an apartment complex located in ███████ ████████
Current Status: On the desk of Researcher Lavender, being funky.
Notes: Funky! - Researcher Lavender

Item Description: One right brown leather boot. When contacted by an animal's tongue, anywhere from 10 to 300 grams of pig feces manifest in the user's mouth via an UNSM15 portal.
Date of Recovery: 04/01/2023
Location of Recovery: ██████████ Police Station, ██████████, Kansas, USA
Current Status: Held in a Size-III object storage locker at Site-25. During an annual inspection of Site-25's object storage wing on ██/██/2023, AO-978 was found to be missing from its storage locker despite security footage showing no signs of access. In its place was a slip of paper reading "seize and desist for copied rights infringement".

Item Description: A small fridge magnet depicting a teddy bear and a broken jar of cookies. All personal computing devices16 in a 30 meter radius will move towards this magnet at a rate of exactly 3 centimeters per hour. Any such device that successfully makes direct contact will be rendered completely inoperable. Due to various obstacles such as walls, furniture, gravity, or use by humans, this movement usually ends long before colliding with AO-979.
Date of Recovery: 06/01/2023
Location of Recovery: ██████ computer factory, ███████████, ███████ province, China
Current Status: Held in a Size-I object storage locker at Site-90.

Item Demagnetization: An monopole magnetically affected by semantic hyperdiffusion. As south, descriptions of the monopole are inevitably magnetized with vaguely similar monopoles from local lexispace. Monopole recently, this has pointed to monopole in all but the strongest directions, suggesting monopole, monopole, or possibly compass. North, the monopole has attracted a monopolous monopole south that monopole monopole monopole monopole monopole monopole tending towards monopole. Whether the monopole can be demagnetized is monopole.
Bearing of Polarity: 08/01/2023
Direction of Polarity: Magnetic North Pole, Earth
Current: As a monopoleErrors are intentional! If you must edit, please PM me beforehand or immediately afterwards!

Item Description: A number 2 pencil, which will balance at a 32-degree angle for approximately 3 hours before ceasing anomalous behaviors. Item appears to be slightly charred, although functional.
Date of Recovery:██-██-████
Location of Recovery: Site-19 Break Room
Current Status: Under the ownership of Dr. Blue.
Notes: Doesn't this seem familiar? - Dr. Blue

Anomalous Items 981 - 990

Item Description: Desk calendar showing that all twelve months have thirty days. The item displays a mild cognitohazardous property causing any human subject viewing the calendar to believe that all other calendars are wrong. This is easily broken by reminding affected subjects of the proper calendar, provided the item is not in their line of sight at the time.
Date of Recovery: 01/01/2023
Location of Recovery: On the reception desk at a dentist's office, Columbus, OH
Current Status: In storage.
Note: The dentist in question was known for mixing up appointment dates, due to the influence of the item. A non-anomalous calendar has been provided, which should clear up any lingering issues.

Item Description: A framed portrait of an unidentified male wearing traditional clothing resembling that of 11th century German nobility. Attempts to refer to him by name will become increasingly exaggerated and ridiculous.
Date of Recovery: 02/23/2022
Location of Recovery: The British Museum
Current Status: In storage.
Notes: C'mon, I don't see what's wrong with Sir Quentin 'The Impaler' Juandalious Pringlesson XIV Tarnation Jeremathew Cornmeal Jr. Esq. -Researcher Lavender

Item Description: A reproduction of a 'Polybius' arcade cabinet. The game itself exhibits no anomalous properties, however the electronics of the cabinet have been replaced with organs that preform the same basic functions. The upper half of a human skeleton is situated behind the screen. Attempts to match DNA have been inconclusive.
Date of Recovery: 10/27/1988
Location of Recovery: A personal storage unit in Reno, Nevada.
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: A Foundation standard-issue M3 Rail Rifle. Munitions fired from it will come into a complete stop approximately 5 cm away from impact of any solid object, eliminating all kinetic energy and inertia.
Date of Recovery: 14-06-2057
Location of Recovery: Procured in 2055 with no discernable anomalous property. Anomalous property discovered during a raid on a [REDACTED] (GoI-████) stronghold.
Current Status: In storage.

Item Description: One british farthing, minted in 1886. When manually flipped by a human or humanoid entity while saying "Awaken, my steed!", there is a 50% chance of the farthing transforming into a penny-farthing bicycle. Similarly flipping the penny-farthing while saying "Sleep, your work is done." results in a 50% chance of reverting to its currency form.
Date of Recovery: 17/01/2023
Location of Recovery: ████████ █████ park in Hradec Králové, Czechia
Current Status: Held in a Size-V object storage locker in its bicycle state at Site-95.
Notes: Item was abandoned at its location of recovery by a suspicious individual resembling Benjamin Franklin, who then activated and rode away on a similar object. As Benjamin Franklin died in ████ and never visited Czechia17, interchronal interference is currently suspected.

Item Description: Five black and white plush toys resembling stick figure drawings, as verified by multiple artificial intelligences and personnel with high memetic resistance scores. When viewed from any angle with an insufficiently high level of memetic resistance, each plushie appears to be a pencil drawing on paper of the respective character. Similar tactile interactions may result in perceived paper cuts, though no actual damage is sustained.
Date of Recovery: 17/01/2023
Location of Recovery: University of ████ ███████████ Engineering Department, █████████, USA
Current Status: Site-35's Altered Perception Wing Atrium, Display Case B#002, temporary display until 01/04/2023

Item Description: A standard compact disc labelled as a copy of the film "Battleship." However, everyone who has watched the contents of the disc have reported watching a different film each time. As of 1/18/2023, 486 individual films have been reported. The disc is also capable of playing multiple films simultaneously, as D-8547 and D-6125 reported after watching the disc together. D-6125 reported watching "The Shining," while D-8547 reported watching "The Empire Strikes Back."
Date of Recovery: 12/15/2022
Location of Recovery: Condemned Blockbusters location at [REDACTED], North Carolina
Current Status: In standard storage locker 16 at Site 15's Safe containment center, accessible to level-1 personnel and above.

Item Description: One 1-liter glass mug. Non-alcoholic liquids are incapable of entering this item due to a selective invisible barrier occupying its general perceived outline. Notably, this prevents drinkers' mouths from entering the mug due to internal bloodflow.
Date of Recovery: 21/01/2023
Location of Recovery: ██████████'s Pub, ████████████, Ireland, along with AO#989
Current Status: Held in a Size-II object storage locker at Site-92 for fluid dynamics research.

Item Description: One 1-liter glass mug which produces non-anomalous beer at a rate of ~308 mL/hour.
Date of Recovery: 21/01/2023
Location of Recovery: ██████████'s Pub, ████████████, Ireland, along with AO#988
Current Status: Held in a Size-II object storage locker at Site-92 for fluid dynamics research. AO#989 has been connected to a drainage system which redirects its contents into Site-92's longterm alcohol storage hangar.

Item Description: A selection of 100 potentially anomalous pineapples (Ananas comosus) which grow to an average size of approximately 58 millimeters in diameter and 110 millimeters in height.
A selection of 98 immortal pineapples linked to the unexplained disappearances of several research personnel.
A collection of 92 live Mk2 fragmentation grenades which impart a memetic effect upon those that perceive them. Those affected by the anomaly will insist that the grenades are merely "very small pineapples" and are incapable of forming logical connections related to their function and nature.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/1944
Location of Recovery: ██████, Pacific Theater
Current Status: Remaining instances contained within explosive object containment, Site-27

Anomalous Items 991 - 1000

Item Description: A gold-plated .45 caliber M1911 handgun engraved with the name 'Midas'. All bullets fired from the handgun will transmute into 24-carat gold within approximately one-half millisecond of leaving the barrel, regardless of their material composition and loading prior to being fired. This results in a sharp change in mass, leading to a drastically altered trajectory.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/1979
Location of Recovery: Paradise, Nevada
Current Status: Testing in Progress, Area-314

Item Description: A large stainless steel microwave oven. When operated, all objects commonly regarded as forks of an appropriate size within a range of 10 meters will be instantaneously transported inside of the oven, typically causing sparks and melting.
To this date, the anomaly has seemingly deemed objects such as bicycle forks and tuning forks as acceptable targets for its anomalous effect, but has yet to recognize sporks as such.
Date of Recovery: ██/██/2019
Location of Recovery: ████████ Drop Off, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Current Status: Contained within Site-64 Object Containment Site-64 Kitchen.
Note: Our old microwave stopped working. It really was just easier to dig this one out of storage and put a 'sporks only' sign on the kitchen door. - Dr. Plaster

Item Description: A sculpture, consisting of a wooden block base with several plastic kitchen utensils attached via super glue, capable of reality anchoring through unknown means. This effect is mostly prominent when exposed to spatial anomalies resembling man-made structures. The original creator is unknown.
Date of Recovery: 03/22/2005
Location of Recovery: Arts and Crafts center, Minneapolis MN.
Current Status: Due to the ambiguous nature of the objects effect, practical use has been deemed unsafe. Currently stored in Site-85's art gallery for staff viewing.

Item Description: A plastic children's ant farm believed to be extradimensional in nature, several times larger internally that it externally appears to be. The estimated ant population numbers in the quadrillions, though how the population would be sustained given this size is not yet known. No ants removed from the ant farm display any anomalous traits.
Date of Recovery: 04/14/████
Location of Recovery: ████, Oregon, USA
Current Status: Stored in the Site-84 breakroom.

Item Description: A yellow Bic-brand disposable lighter that never runs out of lighter fluid.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-████
Location of Recovery: Researcher B█████ Newton's car.
Current Status: Contained at Storage Site-82.
Notes: No, I don't smoke. No, I don't know how it got there.

Item Description: A heavily decayed male human corpse. Each year on October 31st at 8:00 PM EST, the corpse will stand up and reenact the 'Thriller' dance, accompanied by music emanating from an unknown source for the complete duration of the song.
Date of Recovery: 11/01/2018
Location of Recovery: ███████████, New Jersey, USA.
Current Status: Contained within Standard Humanoid Containment at Site-17.
Notes: "I'm afraid it's simply dancing at the wrong time, Thriller came out on November 29th, not on Halloween." - Dr. Blackstone

Item Description: A human skeleton of unknown age and gender. Upon physical interation, a random bone-related pun is vocalized in english, despite having no vocal cords. It shuffles between seven random jokes.
Date of Recovery: 09/10/███6
Location of Recovery: ████████ Morgue, Barbados
Current Status: Shipped off to permanant storage.

Item Description: A piece of paper, that has many different forms, most comedic and stupid.
Date of Recovery: 07/12/████
Location of Recovery: ███ ████ Public Library
Current Status: Currently contained in storage.
Notes: It almost always shows a penis dick men's genital. Jesus, Dr. Alex, be professional. -Dr. Allen

Item Description: A banana peel. When any human steps on it unknowingly, they will be thrown forward at approximately ██ Miles per hour. Despite this, anyone who slips on the banana peel will be unharmed.
Date of Recovery: 1/21/2023
Location of Recovery: Site-43's Cafeteria, slipped on by Dr. Wettle.
Current Status: Incinerated.

Item Description: A cement brick. Object manifests within the end of any recorded media played within 5 meters. Endings are changed to include the brick being used to defeat or kill the antagonist, typically in an anticlimactic way.
Date of Recovery: 2/1/2023
Location of Recovery: [REDACTED] construction site, Kentucky
Current Status: In storage.
Notes: This is item 1000? Are you fucking with me? -Dr. Blue

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