Let The Right One Innily
rating: +27+x

Arnold closed the door. That was number four. Four grown adults so far, without costumes, showing up at his door and asking for candy for their toothless babies. Unreal. This was in addition to the 6-7 middle schoolers that had showed up without costumes, without "trick r' treats", and without "thank yous". Arnold knew it didn't pay to chastise these losers; better to just give them the stupid candy and get them out of his face. Still, it killed him a little bit each time. He loved Halloween, and clearly these people only loved free candy. Whatever. The good kids who actually dressed up, greeted him, and used their manners, generally made it all worth it, but this year they were more sparse than usual. Heck, Arnold would have settled for more of the shy little ones who just wouldn't say anything at all, regardless of their parents' well meaning encouragement.

Ding Dong.

Arnold grabbed the candy bowl, and opened the door. Costumes. Actual, real costumes, and they looked like effort had been put into them! What the hell were they supposed to be though?

"Trickle-teetle-treat!" came three male voices in unison.

"Oh man, I love the costumes! Looks like you boys really put some work into those!" Arnold exclaimed. He would be generous with this trio.

"Silly moldy oldy! We are not twigs and beans! We are lady-types!" said the one on the left. It looked like some sort of large headed monster with horns, with nothing more than a potato sack running from its neck to its knees. The other two were pretty similar. Maybe they weren't as high effort as he originally thought. Arnold felt his lifted spirits sag a bit.

"Well, whatever you say. Just nice to see some real costumes tonight. You kids can take three pieces each." Arnold held out the bowl of candy towards them.

All three of the visitors bowed their heads towards the bowl, as if to inspect the candy closer, or maybe even smell it. Then they raised their heads up again. Arnold realized they didn't have arm holes in their costumes, which would make collecting candy fairly difficult.

"Thank-a-dee-yankee Sir-Oldy, but we do not have arms for grabbing the scrum-diddlies!" the middle one explained.

"No-siree-bob-for-apples! No armsy-daisies! We usually eat the child-produce scribbles, but since it is clear as a beer that you do not have any, we will glad-happily take the tricksy!" the right one added.

"Look, kids, just take some candy or move along. It's great that you're all in character, but I've never seen whatever Chinese cartoon these things are from, so I don't get it." Welp, this is it. This is the last time I hand out candy on Halloween.

The middle one spoke again, "But Sir Oldalots! The platter-tude of the Ween is tricks OR treats! Do you achy-break the law?"

"Yes, we request a jig or the law is broken!" the left one chimed in.

"A merry jig," said the right one.

Arnold's face grew dark. "Are you asking me to dance for you?"

"YESSADEEDLE-DEE!" came the trio's reply.

"Get the fuck out of my yard." The door slammed.

A gaggle of elementary-aged children expressed audible disappointment as they watched the porch light of their next target turn off. They paid little attention to the odd trio that had just come from the house, even as the three of them began to skip in unison down the sidewalk.

"What is fuck?" asked the left one.

"And why do the older-boulders always want us to get it out of their yarbles?" asked the right one.

"You two are such young-youngs. I will show you the fuck," said the middle one.

The three turned left onto Jefferson street, where very few porch lights could be seen. For whatever reason, Jefferson had not been a very Halloween-friendly street for the past few years. As they came towards Nevada avenue, a dark silhouette walked slowly out of the bushes and stood in their way. This one was different; it had arms, but its entire body was brown and velvety, with a round head like a canvas sack. A visible mouth, opened and lined with teeth could be seen, but the head had no other features. It stood silently, its mouth unmoving and seemingly incapable of expression.

"You should have come with us, lazy-daisy! We went for jigs and merriment and received much scorn!" the left one informed the newcomer.

"If you had come with, perhaps the goldy oldies would have danced for us!" the right one added.

"Yes, hello Mister Manly, I have found these two are iggy-riggy of fuck. I ate a scribble yesterday and am ready for fampling!" The middle one stepped towards the newcomer.

Something moved in the newcomer's mouth. A red tendril began to creep out between two teeth, then quickly shot out towards the middle one, and disappeared into its mouth.

"Oh is that fuck? I HAVE BEEN DOING IT SO BADDY-WRONG!" cried the left one.

"Me twosies. Whoopsy," said the right one. It coughed loudly, and regurgitated something very large onto the concrete, as the middle one and the newcomer fampled quietly.

"Oh higgeldy piggeldy poppily smock! You've birthed a big whoopsy onto the sidewalk!" sang the left one.

The thing on the sidewalk writhed and squealed. Multiple limbs pushed against the ground as it attempted to stand.


The newly formed quintet all turned towards the other side of the street, and the fampling ceased. A group of three middle schoolers stood across from them, sans costumes. Their mouths hung open in shock.


"Oh no, the children have upset my whoopsy! They will be having the afraids now!" the right one gleefully yelled. The mess of teeth and tongues and limbs began to rush across the street towards the three witnesses, who only hesitated a moment before they began running for their lives and screaming.

"Happy Halloween guy-byes!" the left one yelled after them.

"Now I have empty nest! Am I an oldy now?" asked the right one.

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