4 hours left.
5/12/2022, 8:00, Markus.
For these last weeks, I have been interviewed about a position I haven't been informed of, tested for a job the details of which I was unaware. All they have told me is that I will be serving this country and humanity as a whole. I have no record of the employment of internet forum moderators being this secretive, so it has to be something else. Today I will have the final meeting, where the doctors in white coats will finally tell me what this was all about, and why couldn't I go to the bathroom during the interviews.
A loud news report coming from my digital clock wakes me up. The reporter talks about the newest law the Senate wanted to pass, only for said Senate to realize that everyone present had forgotten how to pass laws. I turn off the clock before the reporter can finish pronouncing the final syllable of "Old fucks”. Shower, breakfast, newspaper. It's a routine I have established throughout these last weeks, as I cannot resist the prospect of eating breakfast while a TV presenter with a body composition consisting of 50% polymers says “Good Morning”, only to explain why it is, in fact, a very not good morning. Just today, the remains of a man who had been missing for 4 years were found in his house. Turns out authorities forgot to check there. “We didn't think it could be THAT simple”. I'm finally ready to go, and I step outside. I realize that I've forgotten my wallet. I go back to retrieve it. I realize that I've forgotten my phone. I go back to retrieve it. I realize that I've forgotten my watch. I decide to keep track of the time by calculating the position of Ursa Major, and I speed off with the car.
3 hours left.
I stop after seeing a group of people standing in the middle of the city's main road. They're protesting a recently discovered corruption scandal taking place among the richest individuals on Earth. I believe that all these monetary issues could be solved by dumping excess money in a giant hole in New Mexico, as the United States have already undertaken a similar project, that of funding southern states. I take another exit.
I stop after seeing a group of people standing in the middle of the said exit. They're protesting after discovering that the city's water supply was contaminated with dihydrogen monoxide. I take another exit.
I stop after seeing yet another group of people standing in the middle of said exit. They're protesting the right of coast guards to let people they deem unworthy of life drown. I rework my route, creating a new drive-through for a couple of malls while doing so.
A police car stops besides me. The officer tells me that this is just a normal inspection. I nod. The officer reiterates, stating that I don't need to be nervous and that everything should be fine. I nod again. The officer tells me if I've understood, and that I haven't been accused of a crime or anything. I nod yet again. The officer states that there's no need for violence, that he won't shoot me or anything. I tell him I'm carrying 55 kilograms of cocaine, which appears to hurry up the officer. While nervously inspecting the car, the officer almost drops his glasses 5 times, and accidentally shoots his gun once, to the bad luck of an unfortunate pigeon. After finding nothing and questioning me, I tell the officer that I was just joking, speeding off. It's quite the hilarious prank, which I've learned recently from low-budget Italian mafia movies.
2 hours left.
I notice a “Construction ahead” sign. I ask myself out loud if everyone is on a personal mission to slow me down today. A voice says yes. Startled, I check my surroundings to find the source of the voice. I see a man dressed in all black and wearing a fedora pretending to read a newspaper on a bench near my car. After realizing he's been discovered, the man quickly disappears into an alleyway.
I ask passersby about the reason of the works. It appears the city is building 10 Km of secret abandoned underground tunnels for vloggers to explore.
I decide to continue by walking. Following my calculations, I will encounter five (5) red traffic lights, three (3) homeless crackheads asking me for money, two (2) political rallies, and one (1) portal to hell opening in the middle of the road. This would make driving 13 seconds slower than walking.
A man forcefully stops me to sell me an allegedly “life-changing” product. It appears to be a penis-enlargement pill that works by chemically lowering a woman's expectations. To satisfy the man, I buy 55 boxes, and dump them all into a river, in hopes of raising a generation of ducks capable of overthrowing humanity and handling inflation better.
1 hour left.
I stop after seeing a man trying to exterminate a nest of wasps located near his front door. He appears to be employing the method announced on television by a veteran exterminator. By inserting a wasp claiming to preach the one true faith in the colony, and another one making the same claims on the other side, a holy war ensues inside the nest, eventually making the colony go extinct. “I rest easy knowing that this method is more moral than most, as they died fighting for they believed”.
I am yet again stopped by a police officer. This time, he shows me a picture of a child, and asks me if I recognize him. I reply negatively. He then informs me that the toddler is wanted for allegedly opening a lemonade stand, an insulting attempt at untaxed income. We both agree that he should be thrown into a deep hole and left to rot.
I have 5 minutes left to attend the meeting, and I'm faced with 8 minutes of running time. I consider my options, and pay a 7-year-old girl 5 dollars to use her Hello Kitty bicycle. I arrive with 12 seconds on the clock, and forget to get off the bike while informing the secretary about my appointment. I reflect on my position. I once came here with nothing, homeless and pennyless. But after hard work and fiscal fraud, I build a staircase to success with each of my failed experiences. I am finally proud of who I am because, as a human, I'm unstoppable, insatiable, and because, over anything else, I mistakenly showed up to the appointment one week early.
Markus