“How long will he need?”
Dimitri and Marcus stood in the doorway of the barracks, looking in at Dorian. Dorian was sitting on his cot, hunched over, looking at the floor and holding something neither could see from where they stood.
Dimitri looked at his friend before looking to Marcus. “I don’t know, sir.” He looked back over to Dorian, who was as still as a statue, before responding to Marcus, “A while is my guess. This loss is… massive. You know how close they were.”
Marcus sighed and nodded. “Well, command is going to want a report soon. I need to know if we will have to count him as unable to continue his duties for the time being or if he is able to continue.”
Dimitri nodded at that, considered what Marcus said, and gave his response, “I’ll talk to him, but he’ll be out for a bit. That's my best guess, and most likely see a therapist for this. A long time is my best guess, maybe even forever, unless he goes the amnestics route.”
Hearing that, Marcus gave a nod in understanding before directing Dimitri with a glance to Dorian, “Alright, let me know later tonight if he is still fit to serve.” Marcus then turned from the doorway and left down the hall. Dimitri could see the weight already on Marcus, but Marcus stood tall despite the tragedy that had happened only a few hours earlier.
Dimitri looked to Dorian before walking over to his cot. On closer look, he could see Dorian holding the locket in his hand, with two pictures inside. The left side was a picture of a woman with black hair, green eyes, and pale skin. She had a smile on her face— Alix. The other picture was a man with brown hair, blue eyes, peach skin, and an expression that said, ‘I am on top of the world’ — a sharp contrast to the man Dimitri was looking at.
Dorian felt the looming shadow of someone looking over his shoulder, and weakly turned to see who it was. It was Dimitri, who had a melancholic look on his face, Dorian weakly said, “Hey.”
“Hey. Can I sit?”
Dorian didn’t give a nod but just turned back to look at the locket. Dimitri took a seat next to Dorian and sat there with him. The atmosphere in the room was heavy as they sat. Dimitri didn’t know where to look while he was with his friend. He glanced at his Dorian, the locket, the corners of the barracks, and the floor.
The silence ended with the sound of the locket closing and a sniffle from Dorian. Looking at the ground, Dorian spoke, his voice not shaky but broken. “We made plans for the weekend. Some sweet shop in Brussels.” He let out another sniffle. “Said she went to it anytime she and her family visited Brussels when she was little.”
He brushed his fingers over the locket, and as he did, Dimitri could see the inscription on it.
‘Toujours, Je T’Aimerai’
Dimitri couldn’t read French, but he could understand the feeling of the words. It was a beautiful locket, one he saw Alix always wearing and fiddling with.
“I was going to buy her a massive box of chocolates. Some that would taste like raspberries.” He then leaned over to the pillow of his cot and pulled out a small box. Seeing that, Dimitri got a sinking feeling in his chest. When Dorian opened the box, inside was a beautiful silver ring. It matched the locket in look and design. “I was gonna give her this later that night.”
Tears began to flood from Dorian as he began to sob silently. Dimitri put a hand on his back and rubbed it. No words could comfort Dorian right now, Dimitri knew that, but he could help support his friend by being with him.
Dorian gripped both the locket and ring and brought them close to his heart as he leaned over. Anguish could be heard from the few sounds that escaped him. Out of those sounds, Dimitri could make out Dorian repeating. “It should have been me…”
Dimitri pulled his friend back up, wrapped an arm around him, and told him, “It wasn’t your fault.”
Dorian weakly looked towards Dimitri and said, “If I entered the room first…”
“You didn’t know. No one did.”
He tried to speak again but the words got caught up in his throat, and he started to cry again.
Dimitri thought back to the mission as he sat there next to Dorian with his arm around him.
On the surface, it was a simple one. They were called in to deal with a cult that was trying to perform a ritual that would bind souls to objects. They had done similar missions before, and they had gone without a hitch. This one was different, though. The intel they had was limited and shaky at best, so when they entered the building, they didn’t have the full floor plan. Dorian and Alix were tasked with clearing out a hidden side room they found while the rest of the squad checked over the rest of the building. They heard shots come from the room, and when they rushed in, they were too late. Dimitri saw Dorian cradling Alix on the ground. She had a knife sticking out of her chest, and the one who did it was dead next to the pair. There was nothing they could have done for her.
Looking back over at his friend, Dimitri spoke in a soft tone, “You did what you could. You didn’t make a mistake. She could have been alone in her final moments, but you were there with her until the end.”
Dorian didn’t react upon hearing that. He kept his head down. The thoughts of what he could have done differently that day flooded his mind as he tried to find a reason for what happened. He felt a pat on his shoulder from Dimitri, and he looked over at him.
Dimitri gave Dorian a smile and said, “Let’s get something to eat. Maybe a drink as well. She would at least want you to eat.” He then offered up a hand to Dorian.
Dorian looked up at him before nodding. He leaned back over to his pillow and put both the locket and ring in it. He then turned back and took Dimitri's hand. As he stood up, he felt heavy, as if he were made of lead. He shambled alongside Dimitri out of the barracks.
As they walked side by side with each other, Dimitri looked to Dorian. Tears stopped running down his face, but the look in his eyes said that he had just run out of tears to cry. Seeing that, he asked a question, “You two joined at the same time, right?”
Dorian nodded softly, “Yeah…” He let out a pained chuckle. “I remember meeting her for the first time. She called me a ‘bastard.’ That and a few other things.”
Dimitri gave his own chuckle, though he felt uncomfortable about it, and said, “So that's why you picked the callsign, ‘Bastard.’”
“Yeah.” Dorian rubbed his thumb against his fingers as he spoke. “I thought it was fitting. She liked it too.” He thought about that first meeting. They got partnered up during training, a classic tall and short pairing. He made a mistake during the thaumaturgical training section and caused Alix to get hit by a floating lamp. That's why she called him ‘bastard.’
Dimitri looked at his friend and asked, “When did you… well… get together?”
A sad smile appeared on Dorian’s face as he responded, “Right out of training. I was sitting at a bar in a club celebrating passing the course. She walked up to me, turned me around, and said with a straight face and without an ounce of liquor in her, ‘Are you single? No. Good.’ She then grabbed my hand and pulled me to dance. We were joined at the hip since.”
“Here I thought you wore the pants,” Dimitri said with a small sarcastic smile.
This got a small laugh out of Dorian. “No… I just followed along with what she said.” The small smile on his face faded as he stopped and leaned against the wall. He felt pain in his heart at thinking about that part of her.
Seeing Dorian stop, Dimitri paused and looked to him. He placed a hand on his shoulder and said, “You okay to walk?”
Dorian pushed off the wall and gave a sigh, “Yeah, just-”
“I know.”
As they continued to walk, He thought about her. The small things that she did started to fill his mind and mouth, and he started to talk about her again. “She danced, you know.” This caused Dimitri to look and listen. “She did ballet.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” He responded, “Any time we had time off, she marked off one day to practice, and she would then practice for hours.” Dorian started thinking about seeing her dance for the first time. Despite being so prideful, she was nervous when asking him to watch. She did a small private performance for him, and when she was done, she kept pestering him with questions about how well she did, whether her form was good, and if there was anything she could improve upon. He remembered telling her he knew nothing about ballet and that she did well. He remembers that smile Alix had on her face when he told her she looked ‘beautiful.’
Dorian spoke softly again and said, “I remember I pushed her to try out for the site talent show. When she walked out, she looked nervous, but she did amazing. Practically got a standing ovation.”
Dimitri turned his head at hearing that. “Huh, why was I not told about her participating in that?”
Another small chuckle came out of Dorian as he responded, “Because she was positive you would have started making cracks at her being a dancer.”
This made Dimitri let out a laugh, “Probably.”
“But as I was saying, when she got off stage and the show concluded, she had stars in her eyes.” That look stuck with him. She was so nervous getting on that stage. He remembered rubbing her back and trying to calm her down. The look she had when she got off the stage filled him with such pride. She gleamed like a star after that. He laughed at himself, remembering how much more proudly she carried herself for that month. She told him that she felt snubbed for only getting second, but he could tell that she was very happy she got that ranking.
Dimitri spoke up, breaking Dorian's thought process. “I remember when I first met her.”
That makes Dorian chuckle slightly. “Yeah, I remember that. You called her something in Russian.”
“A child.” Dimitri said with a smile, “I called her a child.”
“She spent a week trying to figure out what you said to her.”
“Really?”
Dorian nodded and added, “Every night she spent an hour trying to figure out what you said to her.”
The pair returned to silence. Dimitri on the left side, Dorian on the right side. Dimitri shot the occasional glance over to his friend to see how he was doing as they walked in silence. Dorian still shambled, but it seemed that the tears would stop for now. He fidgeted with his hands as he walked, rubbing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Dimitri glanced at Dorian one last time before the pair came up to a vending machine and saw that Dorian looked paler.
“Are you okay?” Dimitri asked.
“Yeah,” Dorian responded, “just… just thinking.”
Standing at the vending machines, Dimitri looked at the selection and inserted the money for a bag of chips and a water. Dorian looked at the vending machines and thought hard about the selection. ‘Long time to pick something out,’ Dimitri thought. When Dorian finally decided to get what he wanted, he picked out a chocolate bar and a bottle of water. When it came out, Dorian took the chocolate bar and opened the wrapper. He took a bite and chewed slowly before clenching his left hand and throwing out the unfinished bar, as well as spitting out the bite he took. He took out more money and got himself a bag of chips as well.
Seeing that happen, Dimitri commented, “That seems like a waste of money.”
Dorian whipped his head to look at Dimitri and almost raised his voice but brought it down low and said, “I can’t- I can’t have chocolate right now…”
“I… understand.”
Dorian took a sip of water and sighed, “I wish I bought her more chocolate.” Dorian then sat against the wall. “I should’ve showered her with chocolate.”
Dimitri stood opposite Dorian and thought of the best way to respond to him. “What were her favorites?”
Dorian didn’t take long to respond to that. He had that information committed to memory. “A chocolate-raspberry mousse.” He thought for another second and responded, “Well, more like any chocolate with a fruit combined with it, but a chocolate-raspberry mousse was her favorite.” Dorian tapped his hand against the wall as he began to recount to Dimitri. “On our first date night, we went to a chocolatier. When she found out they had chocolate-raspberry mousse, her eyes lit up like a kid’s.” A new tear ran down Dorian's face. “She ate it with the biggest smile ever.”
“Did you get anything?”
Dorian looked up at Dimitri before shaking his head and saying, “No. Second I saw her eyes light up, I felt satisfied. I got something small to eat later, but I looked into her eyes the whole time she ate.” Looking back at the floor, Dorian added, “She kept asking me if there was something wrong. I told her no, and she called me a weirdo for staring at her.” A pained chuckle escaped Dorian as another tear ran down his cheek. “At one point, I reached over to brush off a leaf that fell on her shoulder, and she thought I was trying to take away her snack and pulled back defensively. Not an ounce of regret when I told her about the leaf I was trying to brush away. Pushed it off herself and ate like I was the one who offended her.”
“She was defensive about her chocolate,” Dimitri said.
“Always.” Said Dorian. His face then dropped as he said, “But now… I… I don’t have that now. No more annoyed looks that make me laugh when I ask about what she wants from the vending machine.” Tears started to run down his face again, and his voice started to become shaky again. “No more hearing how much she thinks American chocolate is ‘shit’ and still end up eating it.” Dorian raised up his bottle of water to take a sip to silence himself. Pulling the bottle away from his lips, He then said. “I’m starting to feel a little dizzy.”
Dimitri nodded and said, “Just drink and eat. Take your time, and we can head back.”
Dimitri rested against the wall, and the heavy silence returned back to them. It was only broken up by the sounds of bags crinkling. Dimitri would occasionally look over to Dorian, but never long enough to prompt another conversation. He could tell that talking about her was taking a toll on Dorian. Seeing him not hunched over, he could now see what Dorian really looked like compared to what he remembered the man being.
When he first met Dorian, and as long as he had known him, he was tall and held himself tall. Now he looked as if a gust of wind could knock him over. The bright blue eyes his friend had had seemed to have darkened into deep pools of sadness. Dorian kept looking paler, and as he did, Dimitri chalked it up to the reality hitting Dorian more and more. At this point, it had been only a few hours since Alix passed, but it looked as if it had just happened to Dorian. This made him look as if he hadn’t slept in days, with how sunken his eyes were.
Dimitri sighed and thought back to Dorian and Alix when he first met them. They didn’t train together, but they were all assigned to Hecate’s Spear at the same time. He and Dorian hit it off due to their shared love of history and kept throwing theories at each other about which historical figure or event could have been anomalous, or whether the Foundation influenced certain events. He remembered Alix being prideful and a little arrogant, but caring. Despite him making jokes that she loathed, when he got hurt on a mission and was out of action for a week, she was the first to send a get-well card.
Dorian pushed himself off against the wall and spoke. His tone was back to being that of a broken man. “I… I want rest.”
Dimitri looked over at him. “I understand.” He pushed off the wall and said, “Let’s get you back to the Barracks.
Dorian looked back towards the direction of the barracks and took a deep breath before started his shamble back. Dimitri was right at his side, walking with him.
The walk felt different going back. Dimitri could feel it. Dorian would stop for a moment and seem to need to take a breath. That weight was starting to come back down on him. Dimitri could tell. He thought about asking Dorian about Alix again, but he felt that could make it worse. His shambling then started to become worse. He started to lean against the wall to use it as support when he stopped.
When he leaned against the wall for a fourth time, Dimitri started to get nervous. “Dorian, are you okay?” He looked up and down at his friend and saw him shaking slightly.
Dorian didn’t speak but just nodded.
Seeing that, Dimitri looked back towards the barracks and said, “Just a little further man, and you can lie down.” He then heard the sound of a thud. When Dimitri looked back, he didn’t see Dorian leaning against the wall but rather on the floor, now seizing.
“Blayd!”
Dimitri fell onto the ground and got next to Dorian. “Hold on, Dorian!” He looked down the empty halls and started to shout, “I need a medic! Anyone, I need help!”
Dimitri sat outside the Hospital room in a chair. He was bouncing his leg as he waited for the results of what had happened. Dimitri didn’t realize what was happening to his friend as they walked. Maybe he was hurt more than he realized.
The door opened an older woman walked out with a clipboard. Dimitri stood up quickly. “How is he, Doctor?” He said, concerned.
“He is unconscious, and the seizing has stopped.” She closed the door behind her and glanced down at her clipboard and continued, “He’s on oxygen right now. We’ll monitor him for any change to his vitals, but as of now he seems stable.”
Hearing that took a weight off his shoulders.
“Dimitri!”
That shout caused him and the doctor to whip their heads around to see Marcus walking quickly to them. He had a concerned expression on his face.
“Dimitri, I heard Dorian collapsed. What happened?”
Dimitri spoke quickly and a little shakily, “He had a seizure of some kind when we were walking. They say he’s unconscious right now.”
Marcus looked over to the Doctor, and she gave a nod and answered, “His vitals are fine, but yes, as the Corporal said, he is unconscious. Caused by a seizure. We’re monitoring him right now.”
Marcus let out a deep sigh and nodded, “That's good to hear. I didn’t want to lose another one of my men.”
The Doctor looked back down at the clipboard and looked up to ask Marcus a question. “I see on the chart that your squad was checked out post-mission for any injuries. Is that true, Sergeant?”
Marcus nodded. “Yes. We had a full inspection. Nothing about us was physically wrong.”
“I see.” The Doctor said, “And mentally?”
“Well…” Marcus didn’t know how to answer that one. “Well, nothing harmed us physically, but he was close with a squadmate who died on the mission.”
The Doctor gave a nod and looked back at her chart before giving more information to the pair. “I understand. We’ll have to keep him here for the night and monitor him due to how long the seizure lasted.”
“Understood.” Marcus then nodded as the Doctor walked away, leaving him and Dimitri in the hall. Marcus looked to Dimitri and said, “He’s going to have to go on leave for this.”
Dimitri nodded his head in agreement and added, “He needs it. You should put him down for psych help. Speaking about her seemed to have physically pained him.” Dimitri sighed and crossed his arms. “He’s far beyond good.”
Marcus chagrined before giving a response, “Damn it.” He sighed and rubbed his brow. “Alright, I’ll make sure to mark him off.”
The pair stood in silence for a minute before Dimitri spoke up. “Can you stay here for a moment? I want to grab him something from his stuff.”
Marcus sighed and gave a thumbs up. “Yeah, I can do that. I’ll head into the room just to check on him.”
With that, the pair split. Marcus entered the hospital room while Dimitri went back to the barracks.
The walk back to the barracks felt long and tiring. Dimitri himself now felt like he had been up for a couple of days. Despite what he saw and talked about with Dorian, he wondered if he would stay with the Foundation for much longer or if they would give him amnestics to help with the pain before realising him. A hopeful, and a little selfish, feeling made him hope that he would stay with the Foundation, but he knew Dorian would need to be transferred.
Arriving at the barracks, Dimitri walked over to Dorian's cot. He crouched down, reached inside Dorian’s pillow, and pulled out the box the ring was in. He opened the box and looked at the ring, debating if he should bring this as well. Looking closer at it, he could see the craftsmanship of the ring. Just like what he saw on the locket, he saw the same phrase.
‘Toujours, Je T’Aimerai’
He closed the box and put the ring back in the pillow before grabbing the locket. Looking over it, he was surprised to see how beautiful it was. He had a small smirk as he thought about the former owner of the locket. He knew that if she saw him holding it, he would be in a hospital bed for even daring to hold one of her belongings. The smirk then vanished as he let out a sigh. He stood up from the bed and held the locket in his hand, feeling that if he put it in his pocket, he would do a disservice to how important it was to the new owner.
Dimitri left the barracks and began the walk back to the medbay. He opened the door to see Marcus standing over and looking down at Dorian. Marcus turned his head back to see who it was, and seeing Dimitri in the doorway, he gave him a nod of silent acknowledgment before looking back at Dorian. Dimitri entered the room and walked next to Marcus. He then turned over Dorian's hand and placed the locket in it before closing his hand for him.
Marcus then asked, “What was that?”
“Her locket. I just felt that he would want her close.”
To that Marcus made a small noise of agreement before stepping back and going to the door. Dimitri followed behind him. When they both stepped out, Dimitri closed the door behind them, and both let out a sigh.
Marcus spoke first. “I’m going to head back to the barracks and get some rest. Going to recommend that Dorian be put on leave immediately.”
Dimitir nodded in agreement. “I’ll head back in a moment as well. Gonna stay with him for a little bit to see if he wakes up.”
“Alright.” Marcus turned back and looked over his shoulder. “Don’t stay up too late. You’ll need rest too.”
“Yeah, I know.” With that, Marcus left and walked away. Seeing him disappear around the corner, Dimitri thought to himself about what he would talk to Dorian about when he woke up. He also wondered if he would have to move his stuff for him while he was in the hospital.
Dimitri then grabbed the handle of the door and pushed it open, but what was inside caused him to stop in his tracks and his eyes to go wide.
Across from him was a figure made up of shadows. It was on its knees and resting its head on Dorian’s bed. He could see its hands holding onto Dorian’s hand. Despite seemingly being made of shadow, it looked human. He could see the outline of hair and what seemed to be a plate carrier it was wearing, but the shadows of it made it hard to tell. The longer he looked at it, the more confused he was. To him, it looked like a woman was there next to Dorian.
Dimitri took a small step into the room and let out a small noise. This got the figure to turn its head. When it looked towards Dimitri, he could only see eyes. The whites stood out prominently, and in the center of them were two emerald colored pupils. He couldn’t see the mouth, but he could feel, he could tell, that it had a thankful smile on her face. That's when he realized who it was, but before he could say anything, she vanished into a cloud of black smoke that appeared and swirled into the locket.
Dimitri wiped his eyes and shook his head to make sure what he saw was real. He quickly approached Dorian's bed and looked over him. He looked at his arm and considered reaching out to his arm to see what was wrong, but seeing the locket, he paused. He looked at it for a moment, debating what to do. He looked back over his shoulder to see if anyone saw before looking back at Dorian. Dimitri took his hand away and wiped his face. He turned and walked to the doorway. Looking out, he looked both directions before closing the door.
He then looked back at Dorian and noticed him stirring. Dimitri approached his bedside again and watched as Dorian slowly opened his eyes. Dorian blinked a few times before slowly reaching up to pull the mask down.
Looking up at Dimitri, he asked, “What happened?”
“You had a seizure in the hallway.”
“Oh…” Dorian looked up slightly before glancing back over to Dimitri. “I’m tired…” he said shakily.
“Put the mask on, man, and go to bed. I’ll visit in the morning.” Looking at his friend, he debated telling him what he saw but decided against it. He didn’t want his friend to possibly suffer more. He could keep it to himself. With that, he gave a smile and a pat on the shoulder before walking to the door.
“Hey, wait,” called out Dorian weakly.
Dimitri stopped and looked back to see Dorian holding the mask in his hand. “Yes?”
“Thank you.”
“Of course.”
With that, Dimitri stepped out, and Dorian put on the oxygen mask as he drifted back to sleep.
“Dorian.” A feminine voice called out
Dorian slowly opened his eyes. He was in a dark void, floating. He couldn’t see what was around him. He didn’t make an effort to look either. He simply floated in the dark.
“Dorian…” the voice called out again.
This time it caught Dorian’s attention as he looked around slowly, trying to find the origin of the voice. It sounded as if it was all around him.
“Who’s there?” he called out calmly.
“It’s me, débile.” It responded to his question.
“Rude… that's pretty rude.” He responded back.
Dorian could feel arms wrap around him from behind, but he couldn’t see who was doing it. The feeling, though, was comfortable. It was a connection he was very familiar with. The arms felt like his whole world. He reached up to the center of his chest where the arms were covering and felt the hands of the person holding him. He gripped her hands and gave a relaxed smirk.
“How are you, fox?”
“Better now that you are here.” The voice responded
Tears started to trail down Dorian's cheeks as he spoke, “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” She said. She gripped his hand and continued, “You did everything you could.”
“I lost you, though.” Was the only thing he was able to say before more tears started to come down his face.
“No, you didn’t,” She said. A hand moved across his chest until it was over his heart. She then told him, “I’ll always be here. Right in your heart. Like you’ll always be in mine.” He could hear a small chuckle from her as she also added, “You said it yourself. We’ll go together. So I’ll be here then to make sure that journey happens. Can’t buy my own sweets.”
Dorian moved his hand to be back over her hand again and let out a laugh at hearing that, but it didn’t stop the tears. “I did say that.” The tears felt happier and less painful, but he still felt hurt.
He felt a hand lift his head up to look forward. In front of him, he could see two emerald eyes staring at him. He could feel her comforting smile as she spoke, “I’ll be with you.” He could then feel a kiss planted on his head before she told him, “Wake up now.” She put a hand on his chest and pushed.
Dorian opened his eyes slowly to see artificial morning light poke through the fake windows. He felt the locket in his hand and brought it close to his heart. As he held it close to his heart, he heard her voice again.
“I’ll Keep You Safe, Always.”