Good afternoon everyone I trust, everyone enjoyed their lunch, yes?
Alright, perfect! My name is Dr.Ōpūnui from the HR Department. Fun fact about me is that my last name means "big-bellied". A bit on the nose for me if you know what I mean.
Today we're going to something a bit light-hearted. You all just spent the last week having your world upside-down! Only feels right that we end off your first week at orientation on a nicer note. This seminar will be about "How To Lie To Your Family".
Give me a moment to get this projector running.
Okay, there we go. So "How To Lie To Your Family", it's a pretty straight-forward concept if you ask me but you wouldn't believe the amount of incidents I've had to deal with over my tenure here. Before we begin I would like to stress that killing is not the first option, killing is not the second option, it's not even the 10th option. The whole "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you" does not apply here. Everyone understand?
Let us start with purpose. We are a secret organization, you all know this. You are effectively operating on a secrecy higher than most countries. During the Cold War, do you know who often found out about secret affiliations before any agency? Martial partners. It's hard to keep secrets from the people you're living with, that's why for orientation you slept in the on-site bunks. After today we want to make sure you won't spill your guts at home.
Lesson 1, act like yourself. Simplest and most effective method ever. Don't let all this get to your head. Remember you are replaceable should there be a need to. Acting like nothing unusual happened is the best way to throw family off your trail. Give them no reason to suspect you and you will be fine. Arguably this is the hardest method to learn but with enough time you'll play the part just fine. It also helps looking at ungodly horrors everyday steels your nerves.
Lesson 2, memorize your briefings. Before you started orientation this week everyone here memorized an excuse to give to your families explaining why you were going away for a whole 3 weeks. I'm going to gloss over most of this because it seems self-explanatory. When you receive your assignments to whichever department you'll join, they will provide you with a falsified backstory to reiterate to your folks at home. You must memorize it word for word. You should be able to speak it in your sleep.
Lesson 3, a technique I called "bring them in". Here the phrase "Seeing is believing" is very crucial. Your family will want to see where you work, what you do day by day, meet your co-workers, and so on. The Foundation has a laundry list of front-companies, some of them very reputable. Most employees at these companies are not aware of veil, which makes your job so much easier. Bring your families in, show them around, meet your "co-workers". These companies often have a small department directly controlled by the foundation, staffed with agents from the Department of Disinformation. They will ensure your family has nothing to worry about.
Lesson 4, this is the very last and extreme part in this whole ordeal. Sometimes you will slip up. You might leave some documents in the open, or forget to place your clearance card in the hidden pocket of your wallet. We get it, it happens. Now remember when I said we don't kill? I mean it, there are far better ways to deal with your family freaking out with the fact magic exists. So just do the following:
- Contact the HR Department, we are there to help. We will administer amnestics as soon as we can.
- Restrain your family - Keep them in the house as long as possible. Makes it so much easier.
- Cut contact - Stop them if they try to pick up the phone.
- Comfort them - After amnestics they will go unconscious. Put them in bed, make them believe they just feel asleep.
Okay that's just about it. You just learned how to lie to those closest to you. Don't feel bad though, this keeps them safe. In their ignorance they are completely safe. Most groups of interest are aware of foundation policy and by keeping your folks in the dark makes them less likely targets.
Alright our time is almost up and you all have to head off to firearms training. Enjoy your evening and I will see you next week for the "How To Lie To Your Friends" seminar.
