His Mighty Snailordship
The King of Snails,
The Shell'd Sovereign,
The Molluscoid Monarch,
Sovereign and Protector of all Gastropods,
His Undying Majesty, the Snailord
Conspectus
In the shimmering realm of Brightwood, far werth12 of the castles of the bickering Summer and Winter courts and the Huntsman's woods of Herne the Horned, in a thicket cordoned off from the rest of its realm by Twice-Damned Eshu's Tombs, legend tells of an exotic and magnificent kingdom of gastropods, embedded deep within the eternal glades. This curious polity, it is said, stands encased by a great dewdrop of nearly thirty-miles span, standing alone in the midsummer twilight as if a single tear hanging upon the cheek of Hyrial-of-the-Mounds.
Should you ever find yourself in this kingdom, or in the halls of its esteemed palace, speak carefully as not to offend. The univalves of the plane of faerie, as infamously known to all who have happened upon their stead, do not take kindly to perceived insults on the name of their gold-shelled overlord3.
His Mighty Snailordship, the King of Snails, reigns uncontested from the Six-Tongued Throne of Molluscon, tended to hand and foot by an endless troop of loyal royal escargoons. A benevolent lord, albeit said to be of a sometimes combatively vain manor4, all snails in the fae glades of Hyrial pledge to him their undying fealty. His heart is steel. His stare is frost. His will is flame. His majesty is the night sky, and his charity is the sun. Even fair Titania5 of the eternal Summer Palace, it is said, fears his wrath and begs of the Shelled Suzerain the generous extension of his saintlike mercy.
Illustration Gallery
The magnanimous Snail Sovereign graces a mortal would-be jockey with the gift of his mighty presence.
Knowledge
Traits: The Snail King physically resembles a giant, enlightened snail, capable of speech both in Brightwood Pixish and his native tongue, Gastropodic. The king can use his eyestalks to manipulate nearby objects as needed and has achieved rudimentary proficiency in the thaumic arts by using them to complete the necessary motions for spells, though he will mostly delegate workings to his court magicians when they are necessary.
Nature: His Snailordship is famously a generous ruler, being known for his philanthropy and generosity in gift-giving towards travelers to his realm. His royal palace houses an aristocracy reveling in every luxury known to snailkind, however the subjects of Molluscon overwhelmingly view their monarchy positively despite this flagrant excess678 and continue to worship their overlord, most likely due to the Snail King's philanthropy and celebrity reputation among gastropods.
All who have stayed in the Sovereign's court note that he is almost never seen without his beloved imperial regalia, the Shell of Splendor and the Scepter of Snaildom. The aforementioned Shell, the favorite in his wardrobe by far, is allegedly interlaced with a variety of precious metals and encrusted with gemstones along the edges, its weight sometimes making movement difficult.
History & Associated Parties: The inhabitants of Earth have had some form of contact with the snails of faerie presumably since ancient antiquity — a classic Bronze Age myth, for example, describes a molluscoid emissary coming to the Citadel at Erikesh to behold the Golden Arrow only to be caught in the midst of the Daevite invasion — however the exact time at which His Snailordship or his kingdom entered the scene remains unclear. What is known is that, by the early 19th century, the Shelled Monarch had cemented himself as the sole symbol of snaildom in the Brightwood, with statues and palaces already being built in his honor. To this day, his Snailmajesty's910 leadership has kept the Kingdom of Molluscon outside the influence of any other sovereign or Court, and out of reach of even the Jailors, who pay little attention to that outside their "baseline" which does not imminently threaten it.
The Snail King and his subjects have long been involved in a number of territorial disputes and other squabbles with the neighboring Realm of the Erlkönig, an autonomous Elvish dependency of the Autumn Court. The squabbling has also sparked polarization in cultural sensibilities: for instance, His Snailordship publicly denounces the Autumn Court's traditional unseelie practice of consuming naughty children, whereas the Erlkönig accuses him of xenophobia, claiming the right to commit mischief an integral element of fae culture.
Approach: Those wanderers who find themselves in the court of the Snail King are to treat him with the utmost respect and reverence. The snailfolk — their royals especially — have shown a low tolerance for perceived slights against His Mighty Snailordship, and neither the Hand nor the Library wants to deal with the wrath of the Mollusks.
For those intent on living among the Snail King's subjects or viewing the contents of his mysterious royal library, we have discovered, through the expeditions of past wanderers, that ingratiating oneself to him is a relatively simple task. Wanderers who have brought gifts of fruit, leaves, worms, and bark for consumption by the sovereign and his people are often welcomed into his court, with some even being given a so-called "medal of the Great Order of Molluscon" in recognition of "supreme generosity and cultural sensitivity as an ambassador to the gastropodic peoples of the realms" after providing so much as a single gift or complement, or displaying even rudimentary knowledge of enlightened snail culture.
Observations & Stories
It was then that we arrived to perform our serenade for the great King. The Gardens of Molluscon were dense and lush, and the Heavenly Throne of Branches and Petals itself was, to say the least, an immense presence.
His Majesty was most gracious to us. After our performance, he invited our band to a luxurious feast and allowed us to watch the annual Grand Games from seats nearby the Six-Tongued Throne. The marathon was exhilarating, with hundreds of skilled athletes from across the Snail Lord's kingdom competing for the title of slowest in the ultimate arena. The grape-feeding contest — feeding, to his majesty of course, not eating — was down to the wire as well, with the winning team emerging with only a five points' advantage.
How blessed we were that night. How blessed we all are to live among such a generous king.
- Gwendolyn Fernfoot,
Manager of the Gloriana's Troupe,
Beloved jester of the Spring
(1844, Tír na nÓg, universe Tevél)
We first picked up word of them in the summer of 1806, I believe. The night of the Witches' Sabbath. Some poor shipwrecked souls in the Astral Sea claimed they'd been attacked by a band of space-pirates led by a treacherous mystic who had pledged himself to the Huntsman. A trail of breadcrumbs led us to the Bright-woods, but the Horned One and his supposed servant were nowhere to be found.
On our way back, we somehow ended up in the realm of the snails. I'll be the first to admit the Benandanti aren't the most experienced in dealing with fae trickery — our specialty is with astral projection and action, but the Plane of Whimsy is just physical enough for this experience to be unhelpful. So, one thing leads to another, and we're completely lost. Twisting, nonlinear space leads us God-knows-where in a wild maze all across the forests until we find the nearest sign of civilization. A garden-city of marble and glass, surrounded by a giant Goddess' Tear. A drawbridge drops out from inside the bubble and a pair of snails wielding lances — somehow — and clad in full suits of armor — somehow — escort us inside for an audience with His Lordship when we ask for help.
There, we basked in the glory and the radiance of the Sovereign. His subjects looked upon him with bated breath, filled with reverence as he gestured his majestic eyestalks to invite us for an audience. Instantly, I could tell he was to his people a generous and forgiving lord.
- Ferruccio Raniero,
Walker-chief of the Order of Benandanti,
Tamer of the Astral Tempest,
Sailor of the Gossamer Sea
(1822, universe Tevél)
Ah, yes. His regal nap time. It comes about thrice each day — you know, they say His Majesty holds the strength and vitality of ten million raging locusts. He deserves his rest. To preserve this strength, you see. Technically, we aren't supposed to look. But the guards can't help gazing upon him at these most serene times.
The tranquility and poise of his slumber is legendary for a creature of his size and strength. Truly his majestic presence graces our realm, for who would bring harm upon such a beautiful creature? Who, so long as he is our faithful guardian, our deliverer, would dare to bring harm upon us?
- Lt. Sheldon "Slimer" Sheldon,
Officer of the Mollusking's Royal Guard,
A most faithful servant to his Lord
(1988, Brightwood)
I thought, once, that I had reached true omniscience in this world. I had availed of the Library's fruit, and drank deep of the ichor of Father Hermes' teachings. I thought myself enlightened. When I gazed upon Him, I realized just how much left I have yet to learn.
I will speak not to you of the details of His Mighty Snailordship. To know of His full grace, you must seek it for yourself.
- Dēmiourgos VIII Epiphanes,
He-who-knew-never-enough,
The watcher beyond Leng,
Forever a student of the Thrice-Great
(2012, universe Świątynia)
Doubt
The more we consider, various factors lead us to think the Shelled Sovereign might not be as benevolent and innocuous as his subjects and sycophants claim. One must wonder why, despite his absolute power, the snailfolk never seem to be at odds with their monarchy. Why every traveler to the realm of Snaildom walk away with only happy tales; only those of a generous and kind lord who welcomed them, despite all other signs pointing to the idea of an entrenched and total aristocracy — at least, that is, when outside eyes aren't around to report on the truth of its nature.
What could be happening, then, to those who lose themselves in the snail-king's realm? Us wanderers are hardly known for obedience to authority, and yet even the most senior Hand affiliates and Library patrons seem to be converted to unquestioning praise and exaltation of His Snailordship upon even briefly gazing upon his likeness, suggesting foul play. For the time being, we must conclude some trickery of the mind is afoot. That, through some malicious working performed below his seemingly beneficent demeanor, the Mollusk Monarch has cast a looming miasma upon not only the minds of wanderers who enter his wake, but quite possibly upon the entire peasantry of his kingdom.
Until the Hand solves this issue, we caution this: seek not to find the court of the Snail King, nor avail in its treasures. For, if you leave, your thoughts may no longer be your own.1112
