“Halloween Clown Safety: Keep Your Clown Indoors!” A Blog By Bambousio Starswinger

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MWAHAHAHAHAHA! The air is getting chillier, the moustaches are growing bushier, and the time of frights is UPON US! Yes my friends, I’m talking about HALLOWEEN!

As you all know Halloween is one of my favourite holidays (I doubt you haven’t seen my yearly escapades dressed as a vampire, cyber-vampire, business-casual vampire etc.) and I’m very excited for this year as well! I bet you can’t guess what I’m going as. (Edit: Of course my friend with the pet vampires guessed correctly. I’m going as Gomez Addams this year! Can’t waste the stache, you know…)

For the next three weeks you may call me Vampousio Starswinger, practising ringmaster and clown breeder, seller and blogger! Because of the upcoming holiday, I’m writing to talk to you about the importance of your pet clowns safety during Halloween.

Listen To The Horror Stories: Listen Well.

You may know the basics when it comes to keeping your pet clown safe during Halloween: Keep them indoors and throw on a blanket, play the telly loud, don’t let them into the sewers to have a swim etc.

This is applicable to other animals, too! But as we all know, pet clowns have got to be particular in SOME way…

Most clown breeds aren’t famous for being little angels indoors. They love to bounce, cheer and party! Believe me, I know how exhausting it gets. Sometimes you just can’t keep up with that energy, and it’s okay, it’s human nature to burn out. I burn out and then I can’t write my little blog posts for you lovely folks to read! If you need to get away from the action for a bit, clowns can sense that and understand that you need some space, that’s what I like about them.

But as a clown is loyal to you, you must be loyal to your clown. Chucking a clown outdoors on a Halloween night is unsafe and actually a very idiotic idea. SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE VERY STUPID AND DON’T DESERVE TO OWN A CLOWN AT ALL. MAYBE YOU. Ask yourself: Do I REALLY deserve my clown? And don’t just drop them off anywhere and abandon them, that’s how we get stray clowns and even clown mothers come springtime!

(Edit: Don’t cook stray eggs either.)

I apologize. I know my readers are responsible clown owners and none of you would ever be so silly as to even CONSIDER abandonment, but it does happen. Pet abandonment is probably one of the most heart-breaking concepts I can think of…

This clown, this little funny clown, who loves all that is good on this earth with all its heart… They wouldn’t even understand why they were being left beside a sewer, or anywhere really…

That does remind me of the origins of Sewer Clowns. You may hear the stories circulating about them during Halloween, how they’ll snatch up your children, and show you something to give you a big ol’ fright.

This is all true!

Sewer Clowns are misunderstood clowns who have learnt to feed off the scraps of leftover emotions, rather than the usual optimistic and joyful emotions they’d be used to in a happy home. It’s an upsetting story of survival, really. They are quite difficult to rehome as they linger on this sadness and develop some pretty serious trust issues. It is not impossible, however! My beloved acquaintance Ms. Presto Bandit (a stunning figure in the world of Clown Behaviour and Genetics) has an adopted Sewer Clown who is shockingly the most timid and gleeful clown I’ve met, and I’ve met a lot of clowns!

So many in fact, that my nephew has been doing what I call ‘observational studies’ of various clown breeds. He’s the greatest young artist I have ever seen! He’s started drawing on the computer as well, my brother says, and he comes up with these stupendous ‘original characters’.

Here is one of his clown-acters, haha! He’s very shy about posting his art, so if I see any haters trying to discourage this up-and-coming star I’m gonna be PISSED.


Xavier The Mime, awesome!

He says this one is called ‘Xavier the Mime’ and WOW. I am SO INVESTED in this guy. He used a digital art programme to do the shading, and it looks so great! I can’t even do shading like that. He even draws these ‘clown-cats’, and my nephew must be the most creative boy on the planet because YES! The hair looks AMAZING!



I am so proud of my nephew. I was asking about the clown cats but he couldn’t really explain it. From what I can tell, they’re sorted into different circuses, and they…I don’t know, but he says he plays as his character with his friends on an ‘RP forum’ and by that time I zoned out a little bit. Do any of my readers have little artists too? I’d love to see their work (if they allow you to share it, of course!)

I think that is a nice spot to leave off on this spooktacular post! I’m going to be spending the rest of today decorating the front of the house and trimming my Addams mustache to PERFECTION. I wish you a happy Halloween!

- Bambousio Starswinger


Nancy Drew @nancy52761
Your nephew's art is wonderful, Bambo! So lovely to see the youth expressing their creativity through this new technology.

Bambousio Starswinger @StarswingerBigtop
Why thank you, Nancy! I can't wait to show him this!

Polka Glück @m1m3xrotx
Your misinformation on the Sewer Clown is so harmful. I know you're all about denouncing stereotypes but you get why they have that stereotype in the first place, right?

Bambousio Starswinger @StarswingerBigtop
Someone's still a little salty the Horror Clown nipped at them when they were eight, I see. Talk to the hand!

Durian @D5318008
Are these clowns dangerous, Bambousio? Please explain yourself. You have insisted they are not a danger to the greater public outside of your…community.

Bambousio Starswinger @StarswingerBigtop
Don't worry, my darling Agent. Some schmuck's just a bit jealous of how naturally good I am at handling clowns. But don't worry, I got this. *cracks knuckles*.

Polka Glück @m1m3xrotx
Typical Starswinger behaviour, smh. You want drama? Let's debate.

Bambousio Starswinger @StarswingerBigtop
Fine, I'll entertain you. Check DMS.

what the hell have i walked in on?

Bambousio Starswinger @StarswingerBigtop
The wonderful world of clown husbandry, my friend! Let me just- Oops! I dropped my introductory post on the floor! I hope no one clicks on it while I pick it up…

Levealuto3 @dnddksdnddneksdnaston3
Terrible post as usual. Stop blocking me.

Levealuto3 @dnddksdnddneksdnaston3

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rude bambousio moments?!?!?!?

Polka Glück @m1m3xrotx
Noooo, he deleted it! Got a screenshot tho, Bambo you GOTTA be more ruthless! Get these weird sapient clown superiorists OUT of here!

Bambousio Starswinger @StarswingerBigtop
That was very unprofessional of me, sorry. But I will be up and arms with Levealuto if I happen to see him in person. You better not encourage me, Glück.

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