Secondary Sports Ventures off of not-so-sea-water.
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Info
INVESTIGATION SECTION ARCHIVES
Investigation Title: Operation AVIAN
File Clearance: LV-2
Dates: 24/03/2015 — Ongoing
Investigation Head(s): Dr. Azazel Quackers Vilson and Senior Rsr. Mary Jupiter.
Description: Following a recent increase in avian anomalies during and after the conclusion of SCP-9206, a Foundation-wide investigation headed by various departments1 into the possibly pluripotent figure PoI-9206 described as "The Feathered Forebearer". Preliminary research into this figure among certain religious groups and Foundation archives dated its first mention to ████.
As such, Operation AVIAN has begun to conduct an investigation into the Feathered Forebearer, now classified as FDAA-0001.2
For more information, contact the Operation AVIAN team.
File collected by Mr. Benjamin Altrunda.
Good evening staff.
If you are receiving this email, you have been substantially affected by recent budgetary changes affecting our site. As you may know we here at the Foundation value one's personal judgement as an important metric of their competency and leadership skills. Of course, the Foundation unfortunately cannot afford to monitor the complex neural patterns that may cause employees to engage in less than favorable financial decisions. However, due to the high margin of losses attributed to declining site morale and mental health, I have taken it upon myself to enact certain measures to mitigate these issues.
At the end of this communication, you will find a list of individual names that have been deemed eligible to receive exactly 24.00 hour bonus of unpaid off-site activity. We urge you to use this time to ponder the value of your position at the Foundation and collaborate in navigating the various coming changes to Foundation policy as approved by High-Command.
PS: The registered IAPF accounts of all Site-3 personnel will be disabled during this time. If you would like to present a detailed report of the Foundation's future Athletic ventures, please report to my office.
One day? Really?
Yep.
How's the psych wing taking in the news?
As well you'd expect.
Turns out people don't like being left out.
Indeed.
Especially when they don't even know who's leaving out who.
They're not exactly missing out…
A shitty day off is worse than no day off I suppose. But hey, look on the bright side, I heard the GOC's hiring!
You know they monitor these right?
I'm well aware, maybe it'll get them to start fixing things.
Not sure if they can really do anything tbh.
That secretary bird didn't sound like she was coming back…
Oh come on! How much money could the Foundation possibly bet on bird soccer?
Do you get paid to ask questions you know the answers to?
What do you think therapy is?
Fair enough. What's the plan then?
Eat pizza and cry.
I was thinking more of a group activity, since only like a dozen people got the day off.
What could we possibly do? I don't even have enough gas to drink let alone drive!
What
What
Let's just go to a beach or some shit, it's pelican season.
Gonna ask me to eat sourdough next?
Just take this one for the team pretty please?
I don't mix with watery stuff, especially not with all the sand around.
It's fucking melting outside! Come on!
I can lend you my fan.
For a price.
Your fan sucks! This is our one chance to do something nice as a site before we go bankrupt.
UGH…FINE! But we compromise on a lake, no beaches! (Also we are nowhere near bankrupt???)
I got a file request from the Turkish site yesterday.
Wow, that bad huh?
Dr. Pearl N. Langstrum yawned as the mushy sound of tires rolling on mud began to slow. She was not necessarily upset that it had rained today, but not necessarily thrilled either. Deciding to crane her neck on the windows of her colleagues' beat-up Honda, spending most of the drive watching droplets race down onto the wet floor.
As the overcrowded car began to rattle with opened seatbelts, she barely cocked her head back to the left beyond a row of people. Her pink eyes met with the gaping maw of Dr. Vilson, his lanky arms loosely gripping hold of a large duffel bag while the fuzzball that was his hair acted as a pillow upon the glass. She half-considered spitting on the man before the driver took a sharp left before stopping.
"Alright everyone, we're here," Gabriel said as he started pulling out umbrellas from the newly awoken Vilson’s bag, leading everyone out to their destination in an organized line.
The lake itself was an innocent little thing. Hidden on the outskirts of Newcastle in all its glory, touched only by soft rain and small fish. Not even connected to the ocean nor river, its circular form serving as a continues centerfuege for the ever-swimming salmon living within. Its water was clear even while rippling, blotches of sea flora scattered about the rocks beneath.
The group stood still for a moment after leaving the car, taking in the view before Gabriel motioned them to start setting up camp.
The Yules cleared out a few patches of grass on the lake’s edge, making a couple of makeshift tents to shield from the rain. Vilson rushed back into the car to grab a stash of chips he’d snuck into the trunk. Mary started obsessively organizing all the second-hand equipment they had all scrambled together. Continuously cleaning the mud accumulating on them while on the ground.
And Pearl? Pearl was bobbing in the lake like a very lopsided buoy, pretending not to hear their captain’s increasingly angry complaints as she swam further away. Eventually, Gabriel gave up and gathered the rest of the group. Decided to get cozy in a tent near the lake’s rim with everyone before deciding on any activities. Succeeded in at least getting everyone to sit in a proper circle to talk.
"Uhh, alright guys…what now?" Mary said, her eyes looking through a janky pair of swim goggles.
"I dunno—we just fuck around for the day." Vilson retorted with his mouth full.
"Do those not get soggy?” Gabriel pointed at a wet bag of chips Vilson was holding.
"Rain enhances the flavor," Vilson tossed another chip into his mouth.
"Right…" Gabriel rolled his eyes.
"Not to ruin the mood or whatever, but I think we have more important things to sit around talking about." Perri interrupted, swiftly glancing at his father for a nod of approval. Perry did as such.
"Like what?" Vilson continued chewing loudly.
"Like how we’re getting fucked over by a gajillion-dollar deep state that can’t afford paid leave!" Perri exclaimed with exaggerated hand movements. Perry rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"Yeah, don’t put your eggs in one basket and all that." Vilson shrugged, pondering how much he had remaining in his bank account.
"You’d think we’d have enough experts to stop this kinda thing," Mary interjected, tapping her right foot impatiently.
"Even the experts need some leeway I suppose,” Gabriel said, leaning back.
"They can’t all be so invested in sports betting! Hell, why don’t we just print more money?" Mary's tapping intensified
"Most of the budget cuts happened to unimportant sites, and printing money isn’t really in the Foundation's directives," Perry responded as he stretched.
"Site-3 is anything but unimportant!" Mary pointed at Perry aggressively.
"Site-3 is unimportant, Mary. They don’t call us low-priority for nothing. Plus, we kind of started the whole betting thing anyway, so it makes sense that we’d be the first to go under." Perry shrugged as he spoke and continued stretching.
"I still don’t see why we can’t use our nigh-infinite resources to fix this! I’d argue printing money is as normal as it gets for us!" Mary sighed and turned away.
"What if they just don’t wanna?" Vilson said before chugging a nearby flask.
"That’s very likely, this whole day off feels like a punishment," Perri added.
"I disagree," Gabriel did not meet anyone's gaze. "If they wanted to punish staff responsible for the 9206 crisis they would’ve reprimanded a lot more than 6 people."
"That’s fair, but in that case, I don’t even see why they would do this." Perri shook his head.
"Speaking of doing things…" Perry started looking around at the forest. "Where’s Pearl?"
The rain dropped aimlessly, plopping onto the lake with an eclectic rhythm as Pearl swam away to a more secluded area. As the rain soaked the leaves, she took a deep breath and fell beneath the water.
She breathed again and let her lower half collapse into tentacles. The darkness was tinged with vibrant blue and pink as she swam in circles, humming to herself in a language unknown to man. The surface water rippled. She kicked her head back, letting her facade fully slip away for only a second.
Round and round she went.
Over and over.
Humming endlessly.
As the rain began to die down, Pearl found it fit to poke her head out of the water more. Just now realizing how much time she’d spent swimming about. It wasn’t that she hated water necessarily, or at all for that matter. But it’s not exactly easy to keep herself together around others, especially as a fish person.
Nevertheless, she combed out onto the lake’s rim and slowly dangled her feet in the water. Waiting for her body to return to normal. But as she was rubbing her gills, Pearl noticed a small grey shape near her. Reaching out to spread the now-damp lake flora obscuring the shape, she found it to be an old stone. Small blotches of moss caked its uneven surface. Scraping a few blotches off, she revealed an inscription atop the rock’s side.
A warrior's battle is a warrior's rest. To embrace one's fellow is to know the embrace of death.
Palaestra
Too focused on the peculiar sight before her, Pearl failed to notice a very angry Gabriel Ark stomping towards her. Whose hand stopped right above her scaly shoulder.
"Ahem."
Pearl jolted upward, quickly spinning towards Gabriel as she covered her mouth.
"Oh shit." Her breath rapidly hastened as Gabriel growled.
"Didn’t you say you hate the water? I didn’t take you for the lying type." The man grasped the pistol handle on his waist.
"L-look it’s not what it looks like!" Pearl raised her hands defensively. Gabriel snarled.
"Well, you’ve got me fooled." Gabriel took a step back, slowly pulling the pistol out of its holster.
"T-the lake! The lake’s anomalous okay! I didn’t even know when this happened I swear!" Pearl tried to defend herself as Gabriel laughed bitterly.
"Is that why you’ve refused to actually interact with us? I mean, I guessed something fishy was up but still…" Gabriel fully removed the pistol and stared at it as he muttered, "Good thing I never liked you that much."
Pearl shot the man an exhausted glare before sighing, making sure her scales and gills were fully retracted.
"No one will believe you," she muttered back. Gabriel shrugged.
"Maybe, I still have to report this, as per my duties." Gabriel's free hand reached for his handcuffs.
"I was expecting you to be more…" Before Pearl could finish, Gabriel groaned.
"Shocked? I certainly am. Usually, people brag about their anomalies."
"…" Pearl couldn't speak. Gabriel sighed as he moved his gaze to the rock Pearl had seen before, quietly returning his pistol to its holster.
"Speaking of, what were you looking at?" Gabriel kneeled beside the stone, running his finger through the inscription. As he reached for his back pocket to take a sample, Pearl grabbed his arm and jumped backwards, pulling him into the lake wth her.
"Whoops!" She shouted as their voices were both drowned out by the loud splash that followed. Gabriel quickly rose to his feet and started coughing up the mouthful of water he’d swallowed.
"The hell was that for?!" He exclaimed, moving his long hair out of his face.
"Sorry, I kinda just felt like it." Pearl shrugged.
"What?" He raised an eyebrow. She shrugged again.
"I dunno, wanna like—wrestle or something?" She gestured to herself with two hands as Gabriel shook his head.
"I-is this some kind of innuendo?" He took a rattled breath as Pearl made several indescribable voalisations.
"What? No! I’m offering to wrestle." Pearl raised an eyebrow as she continued to gesture.
"Where is this coming from?!" Gabriel asked, trying and failing to quell his annoyance. Pearl shrugged aggressively. She attempted to speak but was swiftly pushed into the water by a thoroughly confused Gabriel.
"Huh, I really did just feel like doing that…" Gabriel muttered as the two grasped each other's shoulders aggressively, both trying to pin their feet onto the dirt below the lake's edge.
"I know, right? Wanna wrestle? Because I could really go for some wrestling right now." Pearl blurted out, feeling herself slowly get more out of breath as thoughts of wrestling moves began to swim in her mind.
"Uhh, no thanks? We should probably get back to the others." Gabriel shot a concerted look towards where he had come from, just now realizing how far away they actually were from the others.
"I mean, they aren’t going anywhere, let’s just wrestle." Gabriel turned his gaze back as she spoke, noting the distinct change in her facial expression.
"You know… I really want to, but we probably… shouldn’t." Gabriel said, trying desperately to ignore the rising feeling in his chest, his muscles contracting more and more as he stayed in the water.
"You’ve yet to give me a reason as to why. Don’t let your close-minded predispositions affect new experiences." Pearl responded way too quickly.
"Don’t even start with the therapy-speak. I’m getting out." Gabriel forced his way out of the bind and slowly stepped back. Pearl groaned.
"Oh come on… Live a little! I wouldn’t like to force yo-" Gabriel threw a right hook to Pearl’s lower jaw, knocking her out. Without another word, he jumped out of the water and took a deep breath. He stared at the inscription and then down at Pearl, whose body now floated lightly at the shallow water's edge. He stood in silence for a minute before deeply sighing.
"Guess you weren’t wrong about the anomalous part…" He muttered as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Can we just get on with the swimming already? We’ve been waiting on Pearl for like two hours!" Vilson said, readjusting his goggles and newly worn Speedo. Rather annoyed at how little their group actually got to do.
"To be honest I’m not even in the mood right now. There isn’t even any fish in the lake!" Perri stared longingly at the water's surface.
"Kid’s right, I checked," Perry affirmed his son, pulling out a plastic bag of seaweed they had collected prior.
"We didn’t have much bait anyway." Mary said, pretending to read a pamphlet on forest safety while peeking out of the tent sporadically.
The leaves rustled. Vilson swayed back and forth.
“Don’t tell me you guys are still bumed out because of why we’re here! Just enjoy this day while ya can." Vilson pleaded. Perri groaned.
"I can’t get it out of my head, okay? Just confused on this whole thing…" Perri rolled his eyes, thinking of how much he'd rather be anywhere else.
"I would tell you to ask Ezekiel, but I doubt he’d respond.” Perry sat beside his son.
"Yeah." Perri trailed off and looked at the clearing rain clouds.
A moment of silence passed between the group.
"Well, we can’t stay like this the whole day! The director would want us to be productive anyway!" Vilson cracked his knuckles and stepped towards the water. Mary jumped in her seat and snapped her fingers, feeling the pieces click together at the back of her mind.
"Productive! Yes!" She laughed manically, much to everyone's confusion.
"Hmm?" Vilson stopped mere inches from the water and pulled his goggles back up.
"We’re here to be productive, not just have fun!" Mary threw her pamphlet onto the ground and slapped herself. "It makes so much sense!"
"The email kinda said otherwise," Perry said, opening his phone to show the group.
Mary dashed over and tossed the phone aside.
"We were chosen specifically because of our involvement in the Birdball crisis, right?" She stared at the group, who nodded slowly. "So clearly there’s something up there."
"Like what?" Vilson moved his gaze back to the water, resisting every urge to just hop in.
"What do people do on their days off?" Mary turned and rummaged through the duffel bag.
"I think about her with a beer in my hand." Perry stared into the sky.
"This is the fifth time this week dad. She's only in the medical wing, you can just go to her.” Perri interjected in a concerned tone. Marry dramtically shook her head.
"That’s not what I’m talking about! What do mentally sound people do in their free time?" She continued to rummage through the bag as she spoke.
"Play games? Watch something? I dunno." Perri shrugged.
"Either way, they express themselves in ways they can’t during work! And what’s the greatest form of self-expression?" She stopped rummaging, seeming to have found what she was looking for.
"Bird watching!" Vilson said as three ducks emerged from his discarded clothes.
"Sports!" Mary burst out angrily. "They play sports!" She whirled around to show the group a poster reading 'SPORTS!!!!', which featured a collage of different athletes.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Perri squinted.
"We’re here because a sport went belly up, so take a guess why exactly the Foundation sent us here!" Mary's manic smile grew, much to the group's concern. Perry cleared his throat.
"To do spo-" Perry was cut off by Mary letting out a high-pitched laugh.
"To find a replacement for Birdball! That’s why we’re here!" Mary caught her breath, swiftly tossing the poster aside to flip through her pamphlet to find any information resembling a sport. The group silently stared at her.
The sound of knocking echoes through the tent’s base. Before anyone could react, the door was swiftly pried open by Gabriel, with an unconscious Pearl hung over his shoulders.
“I heard you guys wanted some sports?" He muttered. The group fell silent for a moment before Vilson groaned.
"I'm going to go swimming now."
Director Ezekiel taps his fingers on the office table, a small stack of papers before him. As Gabriel Ark entered the office, he cleared his throat and took out the first page. He purposefully did not meet Gabriel's gaze as he read.
"So, Mr. Ark. Might I hear the report in your own words?” He tapped the desk once with his free hand.
"Sure, sir." Gabriel nodded. "The anomaly was first discovered as I was searching for Dr. Langstrum, who had definitely been influenced by its effects."
"Mind explaining the part about the fish? Was it?" The director clenched his free fist as Gabriel gulped.
"Ah yes, I propose that the lake also possesses a minor hallucinogenic property. Which is why I observed the doctor to be a fish person at first." The director raised an eyebrow.
"Uh huh… are there any ways to reduce this effect?" The director asked plainly. Gabriel tilted his head.
"Why do you ask, sir?" The director's expression remained neutral.
"Bad for business, we can’t have our athletes looking like anchovies."
"Anchovies aren’t native to lakes sir." Gabriel immediately regretted the remark as the director stared daggers into him.
"Neither are we."
"Fair enough." Gabriel averted his gaze and did not make any more remarks for the rest of the meeting.
Provisional Classification Log
Item Number: SCP-X
Object Class: Safe
Status: In-editing
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-X is to be cleaned of all underwater life before and after use. All rules related to SCP-X usage are to be engraved in various flora surrounding the anomaly along with its containment perimeter.
Registered Groups of Interest wishing to participate in the Foundation's Aquathlon3 League is to contact an appropriate liaison of the International Association Parasport Federation (IAPF).
Description: SCP-X is a closed freshwater lake in Liverpool, England.
Individuals near to or interacting with SCP-X will experience a cumulative compulsion to engage in wrestling.4 A stone carving written in English is also present in the southwest edge of the lake, its significance is yet unknown.
Further analysis of anomalous properties and possible financial opportunities is pending.
Addendum-1: Discovery
[IN EDITING]
Addendum-2: Rules Overview.
After the Foundation-wide economic strain caused by the neutralization of SCP-9206, all resources previously allocated to maintaining the sport of Avisocc were diverted to SCP-X. This would lead to the establishment of the Foundations official Aquathlon league.
The following is the IAPF sanctioned rules for SCP-X usage:
- All participants must wear a proper uniform provided by the Department of Textile Development
- Matches consist of three 30-second rounds, with the goal of taking off the rival's ankle ribbon
- A mechanical referee is to oversee fair play during matches.
- Individuals may not use any anomalous capabilities and or technology during matches. Failure to comply will cause up to a five-year ban from official participation for both the offer and the GOI they represent.
Addendum-3: Interview Log
Interviewer: Dr. Pearl N. Langstrum
Interviewee: SCP-9386
<Start Log>
Dr. Langstrum stumbles through the CAT, dragging a briefcase along with her. After a few minutes, SCP-9386 flies down in front of her.
SCP-9386: Are you alright, Miss Langstrum?
Dr. Langstrum: Oh hey Greg. Haven't slept.
SCP-9386: Why?
Dr. Langstrum: You know, I'm sorry I didn't give you that spoon.
SCP-9386 cocks its head to the side.
Dr. Langstrum: But would you be willing to be the mascot thingy for our Aquathlon team?
SCP-9386: That seems even less like Hide And Seek…
Dr. Langstrum: What if…
Dr. Langstrum shakily opens her briefcase to reveal a set of fifty silver spoons.
Dr. Langstrum: All of these apples.
SCP-9386: Hm…
SCP-9386 ponders for roughly two minutes.
SCP-9386: I guess it could be worth a… Miss Langstrum?
From her position on the floor, Dr. Langstrum loudly snores.
<End Log>
Addendum-4:
Incident SCP-9386-250 Transcript
Date: 2014/09/10
Foreword: SCP-9386 was performing a regularly scheduled stunt when this incident occurred, captured by an observing Deer College student. The student was persuaded to hand over the footage before leaving.
[BEGIN LOG]
Although the visibility is rather poor, SCP-9386 can be seen flying through hoops hanging from a high bar. After several minutes, it flies high up into the air in an attempt to excite the crowd. Simultaneously, a figure wearing diving gear rises from the water.
Diver: (Muffled) Lake has been cleaned.
SCP-9386: DOWN I GO!
Diver: (Muffled) What?
SCP-9386 descends rapidly, impacting with the head of the diver in less than a second. While the diver collapses back into the lake, SCP-9386 continues to fly seemingly unharmed.
SCP-9386: And Voila!
The audience on the far bleachers, comprised entirely of mallards, loudly quacks in applause.
[END LOG]
Afterword: The Foundation diver fell into an extended month-long coma due to the incident. They have since made a full recovery.
Pearl groaned as she climbed to the top of the hill overlooking the lake. Atop it, heavily overdressed for the season, Azazel sat. He aimlessly tapped a sealed box of cigarettes. Small rays of light poking through the grey clouds failed to illuminate the area.
"Yo, Quackers, have you been watching my matches or something?" She asked with a light chuckle. Azazel stared at the overcast sky.
"No."
"Oh… then why are you up here?" A silence passed over the two as Azazel stared forward aimlessly. Suddenly, he cleared his throat.
"Do you smoke?" Azazel gestured with the sealed packet.
"Oh, no thanks." Pearl shook her head. Azazel nodded.
"Fair. Been trying to quiet myself. It ain't healthy." He placed the packet on his lap and stared up at the sky. Another moment of silence passed.
"What's on your mind?" Pearl raised an eyebrow as she sat next to Azazel. He appeared to ponder for a moment before sighing.
"Nothing to worry about." He looked away. Pearl rolled her eyes.
"I can tell when you're lying, dude." Pearl placed a hand on the clothes that obscured Azazel's shoulder. Azazel stared down at the packet on his lap before slowly moving his gaze to the lake.
"Did I ever tell you the most important lesson my mother taught me?" He forcibly kept his expression neutral as he spoke.
"The one about the freaky honeybears?"
"No, that was from my birth mother. But…" He gulped. "There was another woman in the house… she wouldn't agree with my brother or me, but… we'd call her our second mother. And one day, when I was 10, she drove me to some place on Holyhead Mountain and sat me on a rock. Then she told me a tale. I don't remember the whole thing… but it was about a duck named Derick."
"Alright…" Pearl removed her hand and slowly shook her wet hands idly, her whole body still soaking from the day's matches. Azazel took a deep breath before continuing.
"Derick had a good life. Then another duck came to town. This other duck immediately made Derick suspicious. He pushed those thoughts away and became friends with them. And then…" Azazel rubbed his temple.
"And then?"
"The other duck shot him." Azazel tapped the packet on his lap as he shakily forced a deep breath. "That day, she told me to always be suspicious, follow every possible lead, leave no stone unturned, or die and disrespect my ancestors. She took me to my father's grave afterwards, as was the original plan. But that lesson has stuck with me, I'd say."
"That's certainly… an odd story to tell a ten-year-old." Pearl scratched at the back of her neck.
"Yep. She was always rather strict with me, I never minded though…" Silence fell over the duo for countless minutes as the last match of the day drew to a conclusion below. As the attendees slowly filed away, Pearl cleared her throat.
"So… why are you sulking up here?" The silence fell again. Once all the attendees had driven away, he sighed.
"It feels like something is just out of my reach."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, look over there." Azazel pointed to the edge of the lake, where several waterfowl had gathered near where Greg was sleeping. "They don't even know why they flew over here. They don't even know who Greg is."
"How do y—"
"Are you really gonna ask me that?" Azazel interrupted. Pearl stared back at the duck whisperer without a word. "Anyways… it just feels like… I'm missing some piece of knowledge. And you know how much I hate unknowns."
"Oh yeah."
"I probably know more about you than you do."
"Really?" Pearl laughed as a cocky smile formed on her face.
"Yes." A smaller smile similarly formed on Azazel's own face.
"Go on then, tell me something I don't know." Pearl overdramatically crossed her arms as Azazel chuckled.
"You're a polyamorous lesbian," Azazel smirked. A small silence passed before Pearl responded,
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Don't worry, you'll know soon enough."
"Now what is that supposed to mean?!" Pearl exclaimed as Azazel burst into laughter.